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there was one particular incident that still disturbs me today i wish i could take that day back i give anything we went into an area near the baghdad stadium this came into our area and actually stopped about seventy five meters in front of my vehicle that tells you how far the vehicle came into our perimeter. and. which is

we lit it up. we had three of the. victims in the right key that there were expiring rapidly we pulled them out of the car and we started doing it for a state i called a corpsman the corpsman came and got the three bodies and took them back to the patel and surgeon. corpsman came back to dump the bodies on the side of the road i went over to the corpsman and i asked him i said what were you doing how can you bring him back you need to get him out of your you need to get him back to an area where they can see a surgeon corpsman so there's nothing we can do for him so you can leave you know you can leave the bodies on the side of the road

and i said yeah we want to do stuff. so i want to have a compatible up so they don't i'm on the side of the road and. the guy's brother you come running over to him and he just said they're holding them while they roll around on the. asphalt on a highway they're rolling around in pain they didn't even give many morphine. they got his brother they kept they kept running around and he had his hands in his and his and his face. he's just crying and sobbing and he's saying why did you kill my brother. we didn't do anything to you we're not terrorists.

member and i remember i just want to i wanted to close my years i didn't want to hear and just sat there and he's time that he said it. was like it was permanently being. burned into my brain. and. i lost that's the last night of ever gotten a good night's sleep the night before that.

i mean. i think you know i'm right in. the next morning lieutenant you walked up to me and he said sasser. are you all right you seem a little distressed a little agitated. no psoriasis not all right. so i'm pretty pissed off what we're what we're doing over here. he said it will give me your interpretation of what we're doing over here. or what we're trying to accomplish over here. i just looked at him and said it well so i'll say feel that we're committing genocide. and he didn't like my answer and he stormed off towards the. ceo's vehicle.

i knew at that point that my career was done i crossed the line and i knew i had to watch my back and grow eyes so after that night i pretty much slept with my nine millimeter underneath my poncho liner within easy reach. me in the door the door to us. when i first came back from vietnam and i turned sixty six i saw protesters speaking. out i want to hear it i did believe it to get away from it i put in a ten forty nine to go by. because i was what lights are and we'll wired. and i don't think it would have taken much for me to take one of the protesters out

failed had i stayed here i would have ended up killing some people and i could do it legally in vietnam so i put in a ten forty nine to go back but i think i was looking at just the four cation of doing what i would go out of killing. it was all a do on my second tour when i began to realize that something was wrong. when i came back to the states i wanted to washington d.c. to the white house or i talk to someone a mix and just say that i would not go back to vietnam. when i arrived back stateside i was ordered to report into the mental health clinic at twenty nine palms the. psychologist looked at me and she said

why don't deal with conscientious objectors and. just about lost it for then to label me as a conscientious objector that's the ultimate slap in the face you called be a conscience objector i just killed thirty plus individuals for you and you calling me a conscience which i can no. stood up when i was a man if you want to label me as a conscientious objector for not wanting to kill innocent civilians then i'll see you court. i went down to hard attorney. a man by the name of mr kerry meyers. mr mars was represented there in the may lie trials and. mr myers in the marine corps came to a very discreet mutual understanding i was ordered like distorts

december thirty first of two thousand and three and here i am. so i came back i think that that sense of a long term planning was gone i went for divorce some things i did recklessly probably in the back of my mind i would not have minded dying. but my. i went through a period when the p.c.p. complying. and i know about it and thought of mainz. up a long period of severe drug abuse. i finally got to the point where i had no warning. i had no more car i had long since

moved out of my house and could not come back home exactly where do you go from here. and it was when the national guard needed someone with my. experience and teaching people how to fly they armed helicopters the cobras and i was asked to come in and help train some of those folks and the money was. you know fifteen twenty thousand dollars a year for part time work and extra to retirement with even though i had and a change of heart about wars i needed the money you first come home and you meet lee forget about everything. and you go to

mcdonald's you go to all your favorite restaurants and you do all your favorite things and you're having a great time and you know and then all a sudden you wake up one day and you're like wait a minute i'm not having a good time anymore. i'm starting to think about this starting to think about that because all the newness has worn off your whole a lot i got my arm i got my legs i'm alive. but then the mind. and the mind starts catching up. with everything else. i saw myself going through my gear prepping like i'm getting ready to go to combat i mean i even look for suicide bombers you know anything out of the anything out of the ordinary. once you reach that level of your senses being that high it's hard to turn it off it's like being in

a cage tiger. and . i got back in december of forty four there is nobody you can talk to you know there was nobody who had been in combat around. i can remember still seeing that glow red glow on the tip of the chrysler and my god i was home. one day you're telling somebody they're trying to kill you and the next day you're sitting in a bar in new york city it's it's crazy. i don't nobody knows that your hand at work nobody you know if you've got a you've got a headache or you've got

a hole in your head you can't say. when i wrote home that i was rude. i had been in france from middle of august. that said to the newspaper reporter who interviewed him he was only there for a few years that was to me the only was a at that time not now was a real rejection of who i was as a man. he didn't make it he got it. and i think i didn't even understand it but that started a decline in our relationship which spiraled downward downward downward. so you don't talk about it. you sit on it. and say i was lucky

i didn't like why didn't i bow somebody you know guys do that or why did no probe me why didn't i do this i once tried i got on the stool and. i remember i was living in the why we were. totally alone i don't have to put my bathroom sascha around on it. and why i got. was because. my friends. i had made after the war who had been through the same thing i had and i felt if i get back to myself i would trade. the bond me.

coochie vietnam federer for what ain't nine hundred sixty six by eight thirty they call it hell's halfacre because of the american people. that have been still there counted dryland viet cong snipers have done most of the damage today was no exception on the second to tie in the twenty seventh and for troy the famed wolfhounds moved out to attack the snipers open up from such perfectly counted five positions but most of the a copy not the whole day with a c. in one of them the sergeant was hit in the shoulder leg as they've rolled over

a third shot rep to its back. a medic broke for the cover and rushed through with it as he dropped to his knees to be gay and given a bullet smashed into the stomach. of the sergeant in the addict i cannot tell a book roger was laid down to screen a squad going after the world especially as for what he wanted in the hip across the deadly fifty yards were thought of tears he was hit again this was no you're there yes it's hard. please bring back to me. brown all right still no threats and it will build an obstacle into the right eye so i think of my

grandson. they were probably where if they had to draft they would be drafted so i stop think you know. what i could do to protect them to keep them from. joining the military but the same reasons that the young people join now because it is the poor people out of people on the lower end of the economic scale while the ones that fight these wars. even though rob are my gma america came out years later and say if vietnam was a mistake it did not take the pain from me nor did it take the guilt that i carried for killing people when i went to vietnam was a car courts rule and i believed what i was going to run the right thing and i was

a good soldier but not one soldier on the other side and i think i'm just as good. i sold my soul a long time ago i'm just here trying to go. to europe or are you more. people as we want you free to go to prison i mean so you're saying you're a war criminal. brother omar in prison this is veterans for peace chapter zero nine nine western north carolina hoping that this moment registers in everyone's mind that this is one of the total costs of war.

sixty jesu never was a great whirlpool like a world war one wrote a vine war was a scene stuck their clocks though we met him grim and gay and i know people who got their clock stopped so badly they never got beyond drugs booze women suicide whatever you want to call and that happened to me and i think my clock was stopped for close to forty years before i got over the past i was ashamed i was ashamed that i had been wounded i was ashamed that i hadn't been a hero i never understood that my problems with

my parents my problems with my wife my ex-wife were buried in the fact that i got brought up i never i never understood preston totally and then. i can go to a coffee shop and i would hear the big bands of night hundred forty five and i would weep like a baby in public i had no idea that what i was doing like a reply to was going back and try to fly that little boy all night and what happened. the fall of eighty four i was driven to go back to fly to listen to spend the night there to rent a car and file find the place where i was wounded on september seventh one thousand forty four. and when suddenly.

i found the bridge that we crossed it had been blown when i had been shot. i discovered to the hour and the moment i had been moved to forty years before and i cannot explain it but that discovery began my feeling. my generation really were oppressed with the war was about we didn't want to talk about it we weren't allowed to talk about it and then slowly in the one nine hundred eighty s. and one nine hundred ninety s. this whole thing of the greatest generation occurred it was wonderful you know the greatest generation what a nice thing to call us and we forgot what we had done we forgot that we had been animals for a lot more is about one thing it's about killing you either learn to kill somebody else or you get killed or wounded yourself and that's why

i've come to so loaded the idea of war so i think that's a powerful. nama zatanna sconce not what may i think of it everyday. to fires back from the to memorise still go to counseling for. and. it's it's now worth it but what i did do was managed to find some good in that war . thing vietnam a me a better person it made me love people more. made me understand that we are all one one people throughout this earth has a certain amount of guilt i think you learn to live with you compartmentalize it or unite you rationalize you deny call the excuses i mean i really don't have to make excuses even if there are things i wish i had not done. but

there's no way to change. lad. when you come to the point that you're not sure you're actually much that the war is not the way to settle. and disagreement. and like the poster you can do more and i. loathe luxury.

good luck.

so. let's just. say. this is the. least we're going to. get. to do.

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any is easy to. see if he. gets to. say oh. oh.