back with more on those stories for you in less than half an hour from now in the meantime it's our special report on the epidemic of domestic abuse in the u.s. which delves into the psyche of both the victims and their abuses. no one really wants to touch on the subject of abuse because everyone's like you know that's a family affair that's what we know has been and a wife we're going to say out of it will want nothing to do with it at all his cousins as brothers everyone ran out the house none of his friends came to a they just left everyone just left. ft. they just let him beat me and left me when it's enough and you know it and god forbid i hate i would hate to say if i would have stayed in a year longer i probably wouldn't be sitting here today i had crappy day or sitting in jail somewhere in elam that's just honest to god true those are my only two options that i saw at that moment either i'm going to kill him i'm me in jail or

he's going to killing me it just spiraled to psych one thing after another it was like you know like i was in a black hole everything just start caving in on me everything that i thought that it was going to be you know when i met him and how the marriage was supposed to be when him and i knew we discussed while we were dating and our hopes and dreams and things that we want to do together everything just crumbled like a glass house you do is just throw one rock or shit what a b.b. gun and then we'll just shatter. if you don't care about yourself it doesn't matter it does not matter anymore it doesn't matter why are you here why are you living you don't want to live anymore you don't have self-love you know you don't want to live you know that's why women commit suicide you know that's why women you know people are going to drug abuse and alcohol abuse it's all about self-love any type of use is about self-love not having self love it's important because that's the

only thing that's going to get the situation is learning to love yourself again. people think she should have been able to get out of it why couldn't she get out of it i would never let that. happened to me i'd just leave those are sort of those famous last words kind of statements because this is an extraordinarily complex issue there is nothing simple about being a victim of domestic violence i will take your children away oh make sure that no one ever speaks to you again oh ruin your reputation i'll make sure you leave with no money i mean all of these things when you hear them time after time after time after time and he's beaten you time after time after time time and you work so hard you believe this you believe it with all your heart i made the decision that night to formulate a plan and that i would be out of there by the time my youngest son was ready for

kindergarten which i had two years so i now knew i had two years left of abuse before i could leave twenty two beatings in that two years there were violent episodes which would happen sporadically and of course every time i would try to convince myself with a lot of time and he would convince me this is never going to happen again in the third last time. but they continue to happen so i thought it was something i was doing wrong. i thought it was something i should fix it sounds kind of crazy but i won a quitter i wanted to make things work i wanted to i wanted to have a sixty year marriage like my family had and i always thought through thick and thin mint through thick and thin this is why they tell stories of prisoners of war that are actually kept captive with the doors open and no fences around the reason they don't leave is because the fear of what's going to happen if they try to is more overwhelming than staying there and taking the punishment it's

a true story it's all part of being prisoner and it's all part of living in the worst known. now. what we've really seen as a huge shift in policy to the way that we respond to intimate partner violence through the criminal justice system this largely came about in the beginning of the sixty's and into the seventy's and we're still refining this policy but really prior to this we've had a very hands off approach to incidents of domestic violence where the police were rarely called if they were called they were really mandated to do nothing the police would show. they would mediate the couple or they would separate the couple but then they would leave. and go to come. says he's going.

to take. some remember we didn't do it. so we're not allowed to they can just the burning bed as an interesting perspective because it brings about the idea that women will fight back are that when women to have had enough they're going to fight back. and today almost all of our states either have a mandatory or preferred rest policy this mandates that police officers when there is probable cause will make an arrest when they are called to the scene of an alleged domestic violence case and we now provide essentially under the law equal protection regardless of gender and regardless of the relationship between the offender and the victim went to court to go to war to. truly serve these classes and you know miscellaneous ones for me personally. just my feelings and communication was the biggest challenge in my relationship which led to

a lot of our arguments. and learning how to share them. i've been in that same old rut we all come into that with the same. class. and you know you just start like i said it self assessment kind of makes you look at yourself in a different light be educated. is this the road you want to go to they really don't see the emotional damage that they have done in the relationship because you're teaching them a whole different thing as far as emotions and how to use you know the words about emotions not just anger i do identify that underlying emotions such as hurt and frustrated and things like that are richard falls into that because when he first came. he he kind of minimized you know his actions and in spoke as you know it was just this it was just that you know when you hear them say just or

i only you know those are the key words that you know you know that they're trying to minimize or just of into their maybe in their mind they think yeah it was just that in this that however they don't realize the damage. we have to name the problem. and give it voice very loudly. and say stop now more until we have our healthcare system and waking up to the fact that you really need to look at prevention and root cause i think it's incredibly important that we start opening our eyes and asking the question is. the worst case of abuse that i had was a lady who came in actually. with

a fractured arm one of the things that really raises my suspicion when be injuries inconsistent with how the past. reports they happened or maybe an inappropriate response to an injury downplaying the injury or over reacting to an injury what had happened is that her significant other had basically broken her arm literally broke it and she was in a lot of pain. she didn't initially want to say that he did it you also kind of look at the relationship between the partners to see if it feels odd to you just kind of your human gut instinct just kind of trust your gut and you always have in the back of your mind could this patient be a victim of abuse we know that frequently these women may have several encounters with. health care agencies etc before they

except help and you just hope that you're the one that makes the difference any time we have concerns we can call our social worker and they can work with our patients to help them access any services that they need we have a lot of patients and a lot of women who are in these relationships who do not want to tale that they're being abused because they're afraid that they have nowhere to go or no one that's going to help them and they'll be out there by themselves there are opportunities for a patient to be alone for an exam such as x. ray i do not even accompany a patient to extra i without a leg am there are times that we can ask the abuser to perform a task for us to get a medication list or to get a insurance card or to make a phone call for the victim or something of that nature we also have security if we have great concerns that we are at risk that the patients at risk cetera we would

enact our security plan sometime staff will just let me know that there is suspect family violence and i just have to go in. meet with them and start to try to build reporter with them and see how much that take them is willing to open up to me the scariest time for a victim is when they're leaving the abusive relationship comments when the abuser can feel most threatened and want to take ownership and show possession so that can be the most dangerous time for them and that's why we do safety planning here at the hospital prior to them leaving even after returning to the several ation ship i think it would be a good thing to have mandatory screening for investing violence obvious the worry and then they did with forms and paperwork when we see a patient in this form is not going to slow down the process of treating a patient that large and it could be a good idea i think we can save lives and i think that if we try and to make this more of an issue and more of

a thorough meal put on the forefront to lead women know and educating our communities about domestic violence you know i think it would really help to prevent it and help to decrease the prevalence of if patients don't know that help exists. how can they be saved absolutely i think you can save lives if. you know any women's shelter around will tell you that that may have special precautions about you know how women need to prepare in order to be able to leave your house ok in a safe place ok. are you ok right now a shelter advocate that answers the phone is first and foremost just there to listen and to kind of hear what the person is asking about we try to assess the

situation and offer her the shelter in the services that we have and even. shelter is not what she's seeking or desiring her she's not thinking you know that she needs that or wants to come to the shelter we make sure she's aware of all the services through our outreach center and counseling and really encourage her to get some help for what she's going through a special place. where i go or where i can be i never imagined some of there is but the shelter is like a mother arms like a sweet voice be a home fill for because he's not only a room a clean bit plate of food so much more we feel so depressed so guilty so all. the money came to us and say. warry. would you want to be. your for we can help you.

get out get out of the cops no matter what he tells you you can find safety you can find safety you can and you will find safety he will say anything he wants to anything he can to keep you under his thumb to keep you right where he wants you. so he can keep abusing you and it's only going to get worse so when you are given you or if you got to make that step take that step of faith that faith in yourself you may not believe it's in there but it's there it's there you'll find it you'll find. a safety plan is a mechanism that is used to help an individual stay safe in their home they're

working environment to help them stay safe when they're traveling or with their children. it is pretty comprehensive and it involves evaluating where the high risk points are a lot of people don't consider. which rooms have ways that they could exit if they needed to which players have items in there that could be used as weapons you know you would think well you might want to go there because there's a weapon you could use but typically that's not a good idea because the person who's trying to hurt you could also use those weapons entry into a place like a bathroom a lot of people would want to go there because a small confined it feels safe you can lock the door but in fact you can't really get out of the bathroom easily and so it would be a dead end and that person could once they get through the door seriously and you. person you would want to have code words or something particular to communicate to

your children when nine one one needs to be called inform neighbors and that there is something that they should keep their eyes peeled for because there might be an incident that you can't get to a phone but if they hear something they know it's a problem and also to identify a person where they could if they get out of the house where do they go is there someone that's typically home is there someone that could help them in an emergency so those are the kinds of things that would be evaluated additionally traveling alone or independently is usually not a good idea and if someone does have to travel alone to vary that route whether you're going to work or to the gym to vary your routine so that it's not predictable to someone who knows you very well. but i think hospitals have

a wonderful position to deal with this epidemic and i will label it that. first of all my senses ben we've always been the catcher's mitt for society and what's going on a second were a safe haven for people and so the hospital itself is a place where people can feel safe and comfortable and the opportunity of hospitals to do assessment to do screening and then to offer opportunity for resources is something we have a great afternoon. the prosecutors can't do it alone the police officers the doctors and the service providers cannot do it alone but if we all work together and work together as a team to address every need an aspect of the victims situation then it is a game that we can win because when we work together we make a really form a. opponent be smarter than i am just because you have degrees or you

make a lot of money or you don't think you have a way out if you have no money there are support groups there are people that will help you find a way out. and anything in place is better. away from that environment if we could paint a picture of our brighter future one thing that we definitely have to do is we have to detach the stigma of domestic violence i think that there's this persona that domestic violence is what happens to other people it doesn't happen to normal people it doesn't happen to you know middle class people who go to their jobs and get educations and just live their lives but we know it does and it happens everywhere and people need to learn to speak out we need to empower women to ask for help to seek help when they're in these situations that we will believe them that there are places they can turn whether this are victim shelters or calling the

police calling nine one one going to a trusted friend a neighbor the local clinic the hospital but how can we stop it before it happens or when we start that cycle how can we intervene in the middle of it that's when we're going to have a brighter picture of tomorrow it's going to continue to be a journey and not only for me but for my children and perhaps for their children but we've got each other and god willing we are together to to work through it so that. this was just going to destroy my life and move destroy me that i had turned around to do something positive. and that's when we started. working with the shoulders and setting up scholarships let it go and move on. because life is too short you just have the past windows to my soul.

it's a little bit of everything it's a mixture of you know my hopes my dreams my desires and my aspirations and my vision myself doing these. i do believe in the concept of visualisation email if you can see it in you. vision yourself doing something it's going to happen. i really really realize that you are a strong woman then you want someone who's going to encourage you and love you and make you want to pursue your dreams that's important it really is important so just get out and move on you know it's better things are going to happen but you have in order to start something new you have to do away with the old you have to do it with the past and in order for good things to happen in your life you have to get rid of the bad first you know it's scary at first because you don't know what you're going to do it's ok it's ok it's ok to be confused it's ok to be angry it's ok to be scared but most importantly you're still alive to feel that way so that's

important you know at least you're still alive and you have another day to make a change but you have to start today. you have to i am now thirty five years so it's been ten years since my experience everything is falling into place for me it's. scary. remember when we couldn't say what the word breast the shame attached to a woman going in and talking about breast cancer twenty years ago was terrible. you know so we've really got a lot of work to do to be able to be able to go in and talk openly and honestly about abuse so that women can hear that it's ok to talk about it so we can move ahead like we have on breast cancer. so if you wonder for i'm going to live to see that happen i think i am.

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