episodes xanax would cause blackouts and it's not just. because of him which is pretty nightmare because. you can't get off of it. and build it is kind of you just try to go out there for america sometimes i have episodes for i won't be able to. i think something will trigger me and which i'll just keep on working and working and working. for like seventy two hours just so exhausted and. i can take and build. a show out or. something every morning i go right to free j u k b i could've made a lot more money out of it i wanted to i just it depends on what we're doing up until. they kept saying on the news that there were rebuilding iraq you're working to rebuild iraq. i was kind of sick of hearing c.n.n. and fox news like bark each other about one say oh it's. you know the

horrible things they are iraq and i kind of way to see it for myself you know. i joined the military when i was a teenager nineteen in basic training. like halfway through my tour i told my unit that i was willing to kill any any human beings. i start. asking this one question are you willing to do your job if i was a say no it would have been like oh this guy's be insubordinate throw in jail you know to be so like i came to conclusion like they're basically in slavery we hear i have to say yes you know i'm actually walking the town with a rifle but instead of using the camera. this is one of the

girls and it's her town. one boy they don't know where one of the other bullet hit a little girl on the shoulder and she ended up dying from that shoulder injury it was the last leg bit a happiness i had i was who a breaking point i was i was you know near suicidal yeah. and during that period they saw me to a chaplain i sat and talked to a chaplain for about two hours and he tried to basically convince me that killing so. if you're in that situation where you're having that struggle you're going on that struggle yeah and one of my going to when i had to call my mom in tow i was struggling with that stuff i was bawling her eyes out you know i mean like who am i going to talk to about it you know i mean.

well. i just had my first and last december and she went to the c. section and panic she was frightful but i was completely. i think

crying when he was born i was just completely like. war mode kind of like i had to get a mission done. maybe i should've cried to my dad told me i would but my dad hasn't seen the things i have seen a lot of. and from all the combat i've seen soldiers that i've lost over time it gets easier that's the thing that frighten me the most. if i've killed the enemy. i don't feel it in more. it's harder but i am happy that i had to be an army wife because not a lot of people get to do it it's definitely a privilege and an honor being made to someone he serves the country so.

it's not an easy lifestyle. and i had family members who were in the military so i knew he was going to be gone i knew i was going to be home alone a lot you know it wasn't from a dog. but here i was. no i just turned nineteen in the picture and i was you know just graduated college. went off to get married. this was the day he came home i did these on my phone so they're kind of blurry but this was when he came home it was just he kind of just wanted to sit for a minute and just like i think soak in the fact that he's not there anymore he's back in the mainland he's able to just breathe and not worry about any thing exploding behind him. you mean. you're.

here. this is a reef that i made when my husband came home from deployment the material that you see here is what they call a c u from their uniforms. he wore these were actually his pants and he wore them in iraq so when he came home i just thought it was kind of symbolic just to make this wreaths you know to show he made it so next time he comes home from another deployment i want to make another one. first time when he came back it was it was scary. there was a lot of rage there's a lot of anger a lot of hurt and. he drank

a lot. my husband used to be one of those people a suicidal thoughts you know. he talks a lot when he's drunk and he'll talk about the worst kind of ramble on and i let him ramble. in a listening. you know. if. there is. one of them. and if. he leaves again this summer that will be a second deployment and he's gone for anywhere from twelve to fifteen months at

a time. did you ever think if i can what was the record and i still think that. you need to do that before you leave. we know for sure he's going to iraq. that can change any minute he can go to afghanistan and kind of hoping he stays in iraq it's safer somewhat savor. for. your close. you're one of those. give your breath. you. get.

there for breakfast i was about and i usually make him breakfast in the morning but he are coming home kind of late today so he's probably going to go to the d. fact which is the cafeteria. is hard some. morning. i'm sorry. it's. not. really. or in my. order in the middle of it. just he's so busy right now where the train schedule. and give you ready to leave so he's got a lot of stress on him. she

. i want a baby before he deployed speakers if something were to happen god forbid i would have got part of him here with me. being the. little boys. girls. with direction normal teenage thing. i

see people trying to find their way and a very wicked world. it's like leading the lambs to slaughter you know they don't know. do i admire them and respect them and have great pride in knowing their intention yes now i want to cry sorry because. they have extremely good intentions in defending freedom. on our respect generations that america was founded on but i think that maybe they're slightly this. so how it's hard for me it's hard as a mother you know because i think my kids. this.

is. twenty two years old. and i must kill thirty people. just the same thing that you were given badges for in iraq you know you would have you considered a serial killer over here and that's you know that's a very weird thought to have running around in your head. in the morning you know it's very easy to sort of think bright happy thoughts and sort of put a correct kind of. spin on it but when it's dark. going to

sleep or late at night or tired it's not as easy. you have been using all stories to share prime i would even say off tori terry and matt fans like spying and persecution and restrictions and definite detention for being on the rise how do you explain these paradox one thing we do know about them pi is this stuff they collapse with exception their street is brutally c.e.o. .

he he says

. i won't go more than three minutes without saying about our rights. it's always.

here the roadside bombs i've had twelve of them. partially my vehicle twelve times . the night he goes off you react in ways you think are right at the moment. and when it went to hit our vehicle. cartridges for i heard my gunner start firing which to me means he had a target my gunner was very good he wouldn't make that mistake. and i jumped out of the vehicle and i shot a shot three people before any more lives what was going on and they started running from us and i shot thank two more before. before my driver grabbed me and he said what he doing. and. that snapped me out of it now realize that i was shooting at people because they

were there. this one as my grandfather in vietnam it was a pilot i was an analyst six months. my first trip to iraq was only six months so that's a year my second trip to iraq was a year the trip to afghanistan was a year my last trip was fifteen months this was a dream. is to. me i'm oldest boy whose mom. and. mom are somebody. i'm very proud that i have been in the military i'm proud that i've been to war but however good people do get hurt and i've hurt good people and. there's

a reason i'm getting out of the army retired cop that's the reason. i have a. chronic p.t.s.d. post-traumatic stress disorder. to be honest with you i just got out of a mental institution took weeks ago. i was there for thirty days. to help me with my p.t.s.d. . and it's from the stuff i've gone through the stuff i've done and are. how serious just because we go to mental institution producers. all the people in that place with me they were all military. everybody else there except me had tried to kill themselves i was getting ready to go kill other people

when you get ready. to get in my car and drive up and start killing people. instead i grabbed my wife and we drove up to the hospital. you know how do you know are you getting ready to kill people. because the thoughts just kept going through my mind and i was making my plan. at the time it was i had a problem with people being happy because i had i'm not happy most of the time. so are we going to drive down the road here and find the first person i saw that looked happy in the house as. far as going to start with them. i was either going to shoot them but i doubt that i probably would have just beaten

to death. or. yes. i don't go places. where you return or stick to those house or our family that's a. cave that i'm familiar building. the church is one place i don't feel i have any symptoms. from both the church.

down to us to have my gun on me yeah i did. church. because i'm a radical person where they're likely to strike while the most vulnerable target which would be the church because who would have an entire profession in charge nobody but me. the worst one for me was cleaning up other people's brains. and i can deal with shattered human remains like pick up someone's heart. the brains are different because it's. you don't know if you're hauling

a piece of someone's memory from their kit or. you don't know if you're holding a piece of their members being married remember that you're holding a piece that. and that that was them being soldiers don't know and that's that's the worst for me because all i want to own you boil it down all this arrest of this is nothing but meat and bone and. but people don't want to have conversations about that they want to buy you a beer and give you a clapper and shake in the airport and be on their merry way you know. it puts a strain on my marriage for sure. a lot of marriages have been around because the wives just don't understand and don't have the capability of understanding and you know their husband gets home and they think well the husband going to help me discipline the kids and take care of kids but he end up with three kids and

a grown ass man and we've been in the corner drunk off as cradling a gun. no one teaches anybody how to deal with it you know and it also gets back to the in the military it's the john wayne mentality of if you don't show emotion you know allowed to admit that you're sad or upset or anything ever it's not manly. i don't let myself to become upset because when i do i don't get a little upset i get stage five defcon want to upset like at the world and i just don't trust people at all. i get really. people.

doing what i do that no. am i tend to do yeah. the temptation is there. way and you know.

they love. a. gold zero zero zero zero. i'm honored to be here today today in the presence of so many heroes to our nation and those who do good work i'm sure they are not forgot. about remembrance for those who have sacrificed so much. and we'll fight. for foreigners to our nation has made a world of pain and i'll have a system of this great nation the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of sacrifice. i

can think of nothing more honorable confirming your nation. our military and their families how come i didn't appoint people freedom that no one nation well. this is the part of this nation our military service. freedom which is. only known as normal. and your town. but friends is not i am walking out. of mourning for vietnam afghanistan and iraq and because of the bravery and sacrifices of the heroes we honor. freedom. it is. no worry about me. but i'm over there are going to be thinking what might happen after. i don't care what the after masses son.

did after after will come after us was called after.

the civilized world produces more food than it needs. well people die of hunger in other countries. millions of victims every year. where a meal is the most of. these flood or droughts to blame. was a bad year for the train. we couldn't plods anything. but there was great hunger. as it did help comes too late and without good intentions. diplomacy and business.

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protests rage in egypt are reports of at least four people dead and dozens injured as supporters and opponents of the president. calls for morsi to step down. european states are outraged at the u.s. placing a key trade pact in jeopardy after the latest leaks from n.s.a. whistleblower snowden show america has been bugging. meanwhile snowden is still. pointing at russia to decide his fate.