and it's not just. because of him which is pretty nightmare because. you can't get off of it. and vilified it is kind of fish to fry coauthors for america sometimes i have episodes for i won't be able to. i think something will trigger me and which i'll just keep on working and working and working or less. like seventy two hours just so exhausted and. i can take and build. a show out or. something i very much. like the for it you gave me i could have made a lot more money out of it i want to i just it depends on what we're doing up until . they can say on the news that there were rebuilding iraq we're working to rebuild iraq. i was kind of sick of hearing c.n.n. and fox news like barky each other about one say oh it's. you know the

horrible things they are i and i kind of way to see it for myself you know. i joined the military when i was a teenager nineteen in basic training. like halfway through my tour i told my unit that i was willing to kill any human beings . i certainly. asking this one question are you willing to do your job if i was a say no it would have been like oh this guy's be insubordinate throw in jail you know i mean so like i came to conclusion like they're basically in slavery we here i have to say yes you know i'm actually walking the town with a rifle but instead of using the camera. this is one of the girls and it's her town. one boy they don't know

where the other bullet little girl the shorter. and she ended up dying from that shoulder injury it was the last leg bit a happiness i had i was who a breaking point i was i was you know near suicidal yeah. and during that period they saw me to a chaplain i sat and talked to a chaplain for about two hours and he tried to basically convince me that killing so thank. you for your in that situation where you're having that struggle you're going on that shuttle yeah and one of my going to when i got to call my mom in tow i don't struggle with that stuff i would be bawling her eyes out you know i mean like who am i going to talk to about it you know i mean.

i just had my first signs last december and she went. in panic she was frightful but i was completely. crying when he was born i was just

completely like. war mode kind of like i had to get a mission. maybe i should have cried my dad told me i would but my dad hasn't seen the things i have. assuming a lot. from all the combat i've seen and soldiers that i've lost over time it gets easier that's the thing that frightened me the most. to where if i killed the enemy. i don't even feel it anymore. it's harder but i am happy that i get to be an army wife because not a lot of people get to do it it's definitely a privilege and an honor being married to someone he serves the country so.

it's not an easy lifestyle. and i had family members who were in the military so i knew he was going to be gone i knew i was going to be home alone a lot you know if it wasn't for my dog i'd go talk to my. but here i was nigh just turned nineteen in the picture so i was here just graduated college. went off to get married. this was the day he came home i did these on my phone so they're kind of blurry but this was when he came home it was just he kind of just wanted for a minute and just like i think soak in the fact that he's not there anymore he's back in the mainland he's able to just breathe and not worry about any thing exploding behind him. you may or may.

not get. there. this is a reef that i made when my husband came home from deployment the material that you see here is what they call a c u from their uniforms. he wore these were actually his pants and he wore them in iraq so when he came home i just thought it was kind of symbolic just to make this wreaths you know to show he made it home so next time he comes home from another deployment i want to make another one. first time when he came back it was it was scary. there was a lot of rage there's a lot of anger a lot of hurt and. he drank a lot. my husband used to be one of those people are

suicidal thoughts you know. he talks a lot when he's drunk and he'll talk about the words kind of ramble on and i let him ramble. it was and. you know. if. whatever. he leaves again this summer and i'll be a sec. and he's gone for anywhere from twelve to fifteen months at

a time. did you ever think you can model some record in the states. if you have before you leave. we know for sure he's going to iraq. that can change at any minute he can go to afghanistan and kind of hoping he stays in iraq it's safer somewhat saver. and. here goes. here goes. here your breath.

now for breakfast i was about and i usually make him breakfast in the morning but he got home kind of late today so he's probably going to go to the fact which is the cafeteria and he. is hard sometimes. morning like. i'm sorry. it's. not easy morning and usually. or in my. order in the middle of the day. just he's so busy right now where the training schedule. in getting ready to leave so he's got a lot of stress on him. i

want a baby before he deployed speakers if something were to happen god forbid i would have got part of him here with me. being the. little boys. girls. with direction normal teenage thing. i see people trying to find their way and a very wicked world. it's like leading the lambs to slaughter

you know they don't know. do i admire them and respect them and have great pride in knowing them and intention yes now i want to cry sorry. because. they have extremely good intentions in defending freedom. on our respect generations that america was founded on but i think that maybe they're slightly this. so how it's hard for me it's hard as a matter you know because i think my kids so it's.

twenty two years old. and i must kill thirty people. the same thing that you were given badges for in iraq you know you would have you considered a serial killer over here and that's you know that's a very weird thought to have running around in your head. in the morning you know it's very easy to sort of think bright happy thoughts and sort of put a correct kind of. spin on it but when it's dark. going to sleep or late at night or tired it's not as easy.

crosstalk rules in effect that means you can jump in anytime you want.

i know c.n.n. the m s n b c news have taken some not slightly but the fact is i admire their commitment to cover all sides of the story just in case one of them happens to be accurate oh yeah that was funny but it's close and for the troops in the might think. i'm ok it's because one whole attention and the mainstream media works side by side the joke is actually on we're going to be coming back. at our teen years we have a different approach to the good o.l. because the news of the world just is not this funny i'm not laughing dammit i'm not i. but i bet.

you guys stick to the jokes that will handle the stuff that i've got to. if the main competitor on the market is mother nature. may customers struggle with to. fight for each drop from an old dirty supply. let people think i are prices pure water. bottled life an auntie. they use it up there and wash their hands in it and flush their toilets when the same water the mysteries is selling and spraying water. we speak your language not at the. school music programs and documentaries and spanish what matters to you breaking news

a little tonnage of angles couldn't stories. you hear. destroy all te spanish find out more visit. all tito it's calm. i won't go more than three minutes without thinking about our act. it's always there. you hear the roadside bombs i've had twelve of them. partially my vehicle tops. the night he goes off you react and ways you think are right at the moment. and

when it when it hit our vehicle. back to this war heard my gunner start firing which to me means he had a target my gunner was very good it wouldn't make that mistake. and i jumped out of the vehicle and i shot a shot three people before any of them realized what was going on and they started running from us and i shot i think two more before. before my driver grabbed me. and he said would be doing. and. that's not me out of it now realize that i was shooting at people because they were there. this one is my grandfather in vietnam he was

a pilot bosnia was six months. and my first trip to iraq was only six months so that's a year my second trip to iraq was a year trip to afghanistan was a year my last trip was fifteen months this was an interesting one from the from his to. me and my oldest boy who is now. and. a mom are somebody. i'm very proud that i have been in the military i'm proud that i've been to war but however good people to get hurt and i've heard good people and. there's a reason i'm getting out of the army or part up that's the reason. i have a. chronic p.t.s.d. post-traumatic stress disorder. to be honest with you i just got out of

a mental institution a couple weeks ago. i was there for thirty days. to help me with my p.t.s.d. . and it's from the stuff i've gone through for the stuff i've done and iraq. how serious is the reader to me in the institution producers. all the people in that place with me they were all military. everybody else there except me had tried to kill themselves i was getting ready to go kill other people when you get ready. to get in my car and drive up and start killing people. instead i grabbed my wife and we drove up to the hospital. you know how do you know

are you getting ready to kill people. because the thoughts just kept going through my mind and i was making my plan. at the time it was i had a problem with people being happy because. i'm not happy most of the time. so i was going to drive down the road here and find the first person i saw that looked happy in as. i was going to start with them. i was either going to shoot them but i doubt that i probably would have just beat them to death.

yes. i don't go places. where you return or stick to those house or our family that's a. cave that unfamiliar building. the church is one place i don't feel i have any symptoms. from both the church. down to us to have my gun on me yeah i do the. church. because i'm

a radical person where they're likely to strike while the most vulnerable target which would be a church because i would have an entire profession in charge nobody but me. the worst one for me was cleaning out other people's brains. where i can deal with shattered human remains like pick up someone's heart. the brains are different because it's. you don't know if you're holding a piece of someone's memory from their kid or. you don't know if you're holding a piece their members being married remember that you're holding the peace that.

that that was them being soldiers and that's that's the worst for me. because all i want to you boil it down all this the rest of this is nothing but meat and bone. but people don't want to have conversations about that they want to buy you a beer and give you a clap or a handshake in the airport and be on their merry way you know. it puts a strain on my marriage for sure. a lot of marriages have been around because the watch just don't understand and don't have the capability of understanding and you know their husband gets home and they think well the husband going to help me discipline the kids and take care of kids but he end up with tears three kids and a grown ass man we've been in the corner drunk off as cradling a gun. no one teaches anybody how to deal with it you know and it also gets back to the in the military it's the john wayne mentality of if you don't

show emotion you know allowed to admit that you're sad or upset or anything ever it's not manly. i don't let myself to become upset because when i do i don't get a little upset i get stage five def-con i want to upset like at the world and i just don't trust people at all. i get really. people. do what i do that no. m.-i tented yeah. the temptation is there ok.

a and you know. they love.

a. lowly zero zero. zero zero zero. i'm honored to be here today today in the presence of so many heroes to our nation and those who do good work i'm sure they are not forgot. about remembrance for those who have sacrificed so much freedom and will fight. for foreigners through our nation has made a world of pain and i'll have a son who's the no this great nation the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of my sacrifice. i can think of nothing more honorable confirming your nation. our military and their families how come i didn't appoint you don't recall that no other nation well. this is the part of this nation our military service member.

places. only known as normal. and your town. but friends does not want to now and morning. for vietnam afghanistan and iraq and because of the bravery and sacrifices of the heroes we honor. freedom. it is. no worry about me. but i'm over there are going to be thinking what might have been asked is. i don't care if it was the after masses stuff. that after after will come after us was called after.

leg it was a terrible mistake now i'm very hard to make out a lead once again a little longer a plug that never had sex with the target there's no lens let's play. lists and le may. have a. i

live. in the street. you. will. please. leave good. in and. out of mind i mean very little in the.

latest news in the week's top stories from r.t. washington fails to get the world on its side for an attack on syria with scum support from the g. twenty in the e.u. russia is taking a firm stand against saying the syrian rebels are provoking a foreign intervention. to seize the brutality of that civil war first time does the syrian army tries to clear an ancient christian village of al qaeda linked rebels. also in the headlights officials in afghanistan say a nato air strikes killed civilians including women and children something the alliance did nice we take a look at the legacy then that coalition troops is set to leave in that war ravaged nation when they withdraw all forces next year. on polling stations close here in moscow acting city chiefs.