in the world corrupted, you need to descend, have join us in the depths or remain in the shallows. is e l e the fish tanks? that's it wouldn't be okay with a roll. i know that you're there with your dog, with your dad. with it

if i could go somewhere then. oh boy. good do there you oh good. oh oh for

sure. what is she p employees anything more

ah yes. and my father, thank you for the way that you have blessed and guided us and thank you for our family by this occasion. b as special as it is unique. we pray in jesus' name, a man oil in looking back. sometimes i may, this was a difficult memory for all of us to unpack and the try to address it. sometimes it helps, but one of the things was what were we initially concerned about in those early days? i still wanted taylor to be

a happy little boy and i don't know if how he would be able to handle it. i didn't want the memory to haunt you all your life. obviously, the huge concern about your lawyers, agin sion. you know, he was out land hole in. so what is he going to have to go through? i was young and i didn't understand what was going on at the time and it was difficult for me to process. and i looked back as like, i guess it wasn't the greatest naina. sure everybody are from, from me i guess a member and distance from people in his house just the way of the way i've been dealing with it but but known through family and everything. it's all about us closer and i appreciate they all done for me is changing my perspective on life.

and i know that that. oh, i think about daily is how we're matthew expect me to me an example. now where do you want me to live as a kind of big brother, how would it warranted and improve

well, and we probably all needed to say they say well, probably needed to be able to express this because to a great extent we have suppressed our failings in order to be protected in order to hope all of this would turn out. well, let me sign it. oh oh see so a de la that way? he is strong. yeah, she is on oh,

i see so clearly. huh. it's so fucking lily to the balcony itself, very warm from october, referred to a trophy. i remember washing the tree branches away. i felt peace for the 1st time. and once

i got a telephone call from a detective about 2 in the her noon. she was in intensive care and if they hadn't told me it was kristen, i don't think i would have known that it was. she was just virtually unrecognizable . it was the next morning when we went to her apartment and i went out on to the balcony. and there were bandages bloody bandages needles, but the most dramatic thing i remember, and i still have a very hard time with this. there was actually still a piece of her jaw that was on the, on the full or the apartment, the floor, or the balcony. and i don't think i've even told crist on this before, but that is probably what brought the whole thing

most dramatically home to me. so look at that dr. you. now i remember those ceiling issues and now it's a so unreal ah thought about what it must have been like from my friends. i have to clean up. there were pieces of teeth, i'm phones and so much life. and i can't imagine what hartford was said for them to has to face that

it's so weird to go back in to that mindset to see that balcony and think about, well, it's going to my head as i shop there. i ah when i'm in jails, you know, in mckinney briefly that i can leave in the browser and unlock the reason why

i'm walking out the way the way down the steps to the last norris i a shot in i a few more steps was up on a pool, my friends, so screaming on the ground. these graham is lee. so look around the pole 2. i will corner i see 3 missed in it. like all 3 of those. so i'll pull my gun out slowly. and in missed she missed up. i turned around to start shooting twice in her when i 1st got 10 gun because it was so loud. and i seen tamera's fall. they had to ground tennis,

but i picked him up this funding. well, when i look in a walk over, there was a one as for as one back from a direction. so i just turned around and as well i was away from. i 1st heard it. i feel i said, well, the reason being is because i always justify to myself that someone does something to me or try to take my life then it was justified everything i dental and there realize how many labs i impact my to get his life.

oh my belief is the in the dime all the things that you have done is recorded yoga all your good. these are william bad. ah ah. what else was the most basic or could i feel that vehicle he did? who bought i bought off the dial tomorrow. i'm more than you wait, but i know from politicians to athletes and movies. delta musicals, does it seems every big name in the world has been here?

let's see. okay. mr. mccarthy could i see below? ah, what do i see a button when you get a call when you finish with booklet? it doesn't give me a glover you sport but she said basil makes dreams come true. the every one who falls in love with people like what me. when i see black america, i see part of myself. when i was growing, young, black americans spoke to me, went white australia did not. those who say black lives matter is a movement we are importing from america. no, nothing is who we are. i lived in a world where white lives mattered. and i was not white. like ms. newman

and i wasn't known from black america. i learned how to speak back to whitefish aboriginal people of iraq law every day. we are out wanted system. now with the police were out with she states, i'm scared that my children are going to grow up in the country that think says no racism, but they're more likely to end up in the criminal justice system. then they're all the hello friends in daycare. ah any guys come to your house and they do what happened? a beer you gig whatever measures? yeah. do you protect yourself and those around you the prosecutor.

try to do everything you good to find charges to push. yes, we have it cuz you guys were in my house. and i didn't know if they were armed or not. there was dark windows were closed. i saw him standing there, i told him to stop. they wouldn't stop. they kept, i don't know where they were doing. and i said, okay, i mean my life had as it who i say the whole thing when we last about 230 seconds and then i got ugly. oh, it took almost a half an hour before the police showed up in age. not gonna come in and do a dang until this scene secure in the scene wasn't secure because it took the guy 40 minutes to die. as a long time,

told the guy that somebody he kept reaching onto his belly wouldn't, it wouldn't roll over. and he kept reaching in his pants. i didn't know what it was reaching for. could have been a gun and i have, i don't know what he was reaching before he'd stare at me. he'd crawled towards me, new collapse and i don't know what his intentions were. he wouldn't, he wouldn't say a word so, you know, i was still a certified medical person at that time. and if i so the scene was safe, i don't know what i could have done, but i would have done something, you know, trying to help the guy but hours a longer 3040 minutes in my life. i knew the guy was going to be on our scene of death. my life, my career. i knew there's, there's nothing new to this guy. i

wish i could put it behind me and move on like, never happen. i know i never will. i don't think anybody ever good was here we get over it. i doubt if i liked by to me there's room . i felt i had become

a burden to everyone. i now i had a gun in my room in case someone broke and i'm going to do a new what my phone is now annoying to end everything. and so wish ping and things are just gotten out of control. c c i don't know. c any under way something to walk out in the balcony. and um, i'm gonna sit here for

a minute and think about the 5th home and i've loved the people that of me and gone to forgive me for an amounts ill. c i'm going home community i ah ah.

and mom pulled the trigger and i'm not feeling any pain for me. i can't see my in. i'm hearing my roommate screen. and then there's 3 weeks later i woke up from a coma and i wish i survives my stuff every day. i'm alive. i'm alive.

her for allergies. mm. i'm doing my normal routine down to the bathroom. i can a shower, brush my teeth and get my hair done. as more matthew, us,

he was in the bathroom as well. he was up on the counter. i'm not sure why is up on the counter. he just was for santa walk to my mom's room. i think i'm lying there on the underneath the left side of the med and i pay it up and i walk back into the bathroom where the gun on my hands out of curiosity, is looking at it and trying to figure out what it does and how to work it and i slowly proceed to take the safety off. and then from there on, i got the gun back. putting a around in the chamber. and i just remember i matthew says to me,

you know, that was a gift from papa to mom for safety and i didn't answer and then i just hear a gunshot. and so at 8 o'clock that same night, december, 1st, one by one. we say good bye and i'm the last one. so like why did

cleaned over with my forehead against his a little buddy. he's going to do great things for god. i love you. i'll see you in the morning and had a lot in a lot of ways he feels like the morning has never come

hour to ah ah ah ah

ah ah ah ah ah ah for ah

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