news are following the developments in russia abroad, stay with us, mom, mommy, mommy is back, it’s not mom, another aunt, but she was transporting furniture for a man, in general, he has children, two daughters, and his wife died last year , very beautiful, what do i mean, this is a knife with my mother.

i don’t like it, if i find out something , i’ll kill you, daughters, on friday on rtr, rtr planet, it’s more than just television, it’s a piece of russia on every screen of the planet, we’ve flown, the most... loudest premieres, how did i get here, and you're having a corporate party or something, what are you, and you you don’t know bender well, you don’t need a motive for murder based on cunning, that it was on the strip, i don’t know, it’s a dog in my opinion, exciting series, we’re putting together an orchestra , we’ll perform shestakovich’s seventh symphony, whoever doesn’t take risks, luck doesn’t smile, we have everything it will work out. i will operate

, i’m scared, as if i’m not me, unfortunately, neither the motive for the murder nor the connection between the murders is visible, but it exists, and we will find it, i remind you once again that this is my investigation, come on let's agree in advance, you are the coach, i am the player, a dizzying show and the best music, and you generally spend most of your life on your feet or on your head, i don’t even know if he wants to read, please read, people on foot can’t read, turn on the music. blogger, hope, my home is underground , it rests on the song of russia, in general russia is a very beer-drinking country, inimitable humor and entertainment for every taste, i poured a basin of hot water on myself, i told my wife, i ’m leaving, i looked around, she had already packed my things , peek-a-boo, meeting the stars, what is more difficult, becoming a good person or staying, the question is of course.

we remember with you, everything that you cannot imagine russia without comes through these doors, only on the rtr planet channel. hello, hello , hello, again a day off in our lives, some may have a question: either urgently take care of the accumulated household chores, or still relax for an hour, sitting down on the sofa, set yourself up for humor, humor, humor, and thus for the whole day the choir will be charged with...

the mood, they say, sinners will burn in hell, oh, i doubt it, you look at some... what are they doing here and think, there in hell, there is not enough firewood or cats for them, as they say, god gives some golden hands at birth, some a bright little head, and some a little adventure, but on the other hand, how to get to heaven , if five of the seven deadly sins are for you... they are lurking all the time, but i don’t count terrible sins, there are murders, god forbid, or something else, everyday ones like that, it’s no coincidence that one guy said: the list of mortal sins looks suspiciously like mine plans for sunday, well, let's figure it out, here

so let’s discuss everything in order, everything is ambiguous, the bellies say it’s a big sin, but for us, eating to your heart’s content is a hobby, on the page he won’t eat three plates of jellied meat, ours , after three plates, shouts: light, cook a couple more packs of dumplings, eat the dumplings eyeliner, you can call this a sin, in my opinion no, whoever disagrees with me , leave the hall, your money will be returned or taken away, but on the other hand, of course, to get rid of excess weight, one woman told her husband: now there are amazing medicines, anti-fatness, cellulite disappeared, the weight is lost by itself, he says: you don’t need to spend money, you need it, you need less

fat, we don’t go near the refrigerator with our backsides anymore, one fat lady hung it in her kitchen... she hung a reminder on the refrigerator: i don’t eat after 6, husband i finished writing this morning, such miracles happen in our lives. the next sin, if you went to the left , i agree, is a big sin, but an even greater sin if you had this option, but you didn’t... go, it turns out that your pride is stuck, yes, well, really, everything is ambiguous in this matter , she gave him sex only after the wedding, he

if you marry her, call her, but on the other hand, let’s look at this example, on my balcony opposite... my neighbor is sunbathing without anything, so who can say whether it’s a sin to look at her or not, i can’t help but look, cover it up for me i put a band-aid on my eyes, but i’ll still see what i need, guys, who can help but look at her, raise your hand, not a single one, the hall is full. sinners, but there are such, no, there is one, he raised something, yes, because of him our birth rate is falling, well

, really, he appears on tv anechka semenovich, i can’t look at her and listen to her at the same time, i can’t. i was flying to finland on vacation , which means there is a stewardess there with big breasts bigger than semenovich’s, and at the same time, a large neckline bent over in front of me, i almost choked on my saliva, do you want tea or coffee, i’m already losing consciousness, i asked which one, what? i came to finland, there some finn gave me a lecture about how the champions of leftist adventures are estonians and finns, i argued with him, i say, while your estonian

persuades a woman, a caucasian will become three times dad, well, it’s true, but when men gather , what do they talk about in front of each other, the american says: i had so many women, that’s how many leaves there are on this tree, the frenchman says: i have as many as there are stars in the sky, the caucasian says said: “semolina, you know?”... seven bags, and the conversation is over, the next sin is to get angry, swear, sin, so i was at the dentist, he pulled out four of my teeth at once, then shouted, oh, sorry, i confused you with another patient, let's make sure that you... this will somehow compensate that patient, i i won’t tear anything else, let the bastard

suffer, i didn’t get angry with him, why be angry, i just sent him, left, well , my friend knows, he applauds, they say, it’s a sin to be angry, so to speak, swearing is a sin, yes, but our swearing. circles have nothing to do with it, this has also been proven by scientists that on the slippery porch the number of cultured people decreases sharply, if our people didn’t know how to swear, how many people would have been killed, but so he sent a man and he went, and you can’t sit, and saved his life, hurray. tightly word

helps out a lot, he is a group of those lost in in the jungle of our tourists, she was found by swearing parrots, envy is a big sin, in the west women envy other people’s beauty, ours don’t envy, there’s nowhere to put theirs. ours, if she sees that her neighbor has beautiful legs, without any envy, she just looks at her, the neighbor will break those legs, and you don’t walk on beautiful legs, well, it’s been proven, it’s very easy to become an alcoholic, a drug addict and a slut, just walk through and not say hello to the grandmothers sitting near the entrance. the next sin, taking bribes is a sin,

but on the other hand, not taking bribes is also a sin, it turns out again, his pride is stuck, he’s in tambov, what happened, the prosecutor’s office caught a woman who gave a bribe to the chief of gai, not with money, right in his office. to such an extent that the shirt of one of them was tucked into the trousers of the other, the drunks in

the wine department, what are we going to take, give us three bottles and some nuts, but what are the nuts for? the squirrel will come and give you something to feed. this results in laughter and sin, what in the west is called sin, in our country we call survival. here's a simple example: an old woman on the street found a wallet with 10 thousand dollars, and how an honest, decent person, she did not act. who can say whether this is a sin or not? but no matter what they say, it will still be wrong, but because we have been told for so many years,

be patient, tomorrow everything will be fine, be patient, tomorrow everything will be, and you wait for this tomorrow, well, it’s already dawn, where it is, it comes today, you know, today, it’s no coincidence that he... said that longevity is pensioners’ revenge on the state. by the way, i was a pensioner in social security, they told me: “dance, you have been given benefits, you are allowed to ride on the roofs of electric trains for free, no being tied up, walking around construction sites without helmets, crossing the street at any light and swinging on high-voltage wires

as much as you like, thank you very much. here’s an interesting arithmetic: to pay off a mortgage, a two-room apartment using maternity capital, i just calculated that you need to give birth to 60 children, if you take out a mortgage of 4 million, that means you need to pay it off for 25 years, if you steal 4 million, you have to sit for 7 years. many people are haunted by these numbers. by the way, when the tax office building was on fire, our people were responsive, they helped in any way they could, with firewood, gasoline, coal. and when the fire spread to the neighboring bank building, the sinner fireman ivan petrovich

stood idle, stood and... fucked up, because the bank was burning, the loan was extinguished, well, what to do, everyone has their own problems, nothing can be done, at any level, not only among people, excuse me, even at the bun, yes, on the wedding night, the bun lay in bed and thought, my grandmother, the bastard, didn’t finish the job, i wish you to survive without sin, your chronic health, progressive happiness, the hypertensive salary of an eternally pregnant person wallet without the threat of miscarriage. thank you.

you promised to call, here everything has piled up so much and you can’t breathe out at all, three hits, in the stomach area, and he’s like new with us, he’ll brighten up any holiday, only a high-profile crime can bring the whole team together. well, a scandal, again a scandal for the whole city, or marya sergeevna’s birthday, gentlemen, ladies, attention, surprise! this is for you, where are you going? secret investigations, again with us, good job, thank you, continuation,

look at rtr on monday. many of you check your email first thing when you wake up and... i'm certainly no exception. do you want to get a sea of ​​positive emotions? tours to abkhazia, i spent a week relaxing in a skirt, barely in...

on rtr. it is for you. well, did you get enough sleep? gentlemen, just a moment, attention. today is a big day, a big holiday. dashing. it's been a while since we 've seen each other. daring. bela, well, you know, for every cool fighter there’s an even cooler one... you fell in love with them, but who is dearer to you, your wife or your boys, don’t ask stupid questions now, they are still loved, you? you are responsible for your words, i am always responsible for my words, hero of my time, beauty, reppin, the whole brigade, just on the platform,

look, i still have my mother, father, brother in donetsk, i don’t have anyone right here. touches the very heart and i miss seryozha very much. i don’t know if you managed to see it from above, a little surprise for you, in our hall, come here everyone, how long have you not seen your family, you missed your brother, once as a boy, he wanted to fly and flew, it turns out it’s possible , when i come. circus, i always cry there, the bird is faster than the earth, the blue bird is the anniversary season,

sunday on rtr, h.g. wells joked: “each of us has a time machine. what takes you into the past are memories, and what takes you into the future are dreams, after all, a time machine exists, if you fly to israel, for example, it turns out that from our time we will find ourselves in 5783, in china we will find ourselves in 4720, for the thais the year is 2564, in nepal now... 2079, perhaps flights to the past, yes, in bangladesh, for example, the year is 1428, to pakistan and iran - 1443, in

india 1943, i think the time machine will still be invented in this way, its the creator will return to the past, give it away, and give it back to himself. himself drawings of a machine, which will allow him to create a machine ahead of time , something like that, we’re flying far, we’ll anoint our century with our hand, quietly, where are you going ahead of me, so what, i don’t know where we ended up - then, i don’t know, a time machine, a time machine, you need to drink less, let’s go home,

fathers, is there some kind of homeless person here? look, he wants to, i don’t know , sniff something, maybe he smells the burner, son, what’s your name, i’m homo sapiens, aba, are you from the baltic states, wait, no, i local, and where we ended up was in the stone age. “take your hands away, wow, you’re a limp sausage , you’re sticking something in, you broke my device, what should i do, come on, we can stay, maybe

it’s good here, son, how do you live here, is this really life, the earth in the porthole , the earth is in the porthole, and i’m already in from the cold , the ptyrodactyls have become lazy and all the mammoths have died out, the period...” has arrived, there’s heating in the caves, there’s heating in the caves, so far it’s not working at all, instead of juicy meat we eat until we’re stupefied, with taste dinosaur doshirak, dream we don’t see mother’s tramp, we don’t see kiwis, we don’t see bananas with barbecue, we see an ordinary stupid woman. and felt boots and a helmet with a vidak, be scared!

how do you know about telex? i’m talking straight from the top, what kind of sheepskin coat do you have, a good one, where did you buy such a sheepskin coat, the world of fur and leather in raskolnikov, the skin of a dinosaur, turkish, it’s true that it’s really blowing hard, in chat, do you want to take part in the action, in what promotion, collect 10 terodachtel teeth and send to picantrap.ru, having received prizes, a stone mug and a varnish, i already sent it, really, me too, lookout, and to you this doesn’t remind me of anything, but wait, wait, little one, let’s try to stay, we ’ll be the smartest among them, little one, you and i are in ancient egypt, building pyramids.

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not life, just a miracle, a week before second, come, it will be cool , a five-star hut awaits you, relaxation, comfort, there are scorpions, crocodiles, pharaohs everywhere, they will hang out with you, if they don’t devour you in an hour , for a week, until the second, come, it will be cool, in a year, in the sands of egypt, i’ll dig up yours skeleton, ability to tell jokes, special skill, person with a great sense of humor.

may not always have such a skill, here you need not only a good memory, but in order to remember a funny joke on the go, here you also need to have, i’m introducing a new term, homemade artistry, why homemade? but because we know this kind of stage artistry well, should you try telling a beard joke in a group so expressively, when everyone present knows it?

who are good at telling jokes in company and on stage, someone said, jokes relate to the storyteller like needles to a hedgehog, in themselves they are sharp. but it’s much more interesting on a live hedgehog, so igor mamenko has a live hedgehog, even when he talks about a needle with a beard, they meet their two blondes, one says: well, did you pass your license? she says: i don’t know, the instructor died, how come the blonde comes to visit, hello, how are you fine, do you want me to show you a trick, come on, look, you see, the light is on, well, look carefully, you see, no, no, where is he? ? who, light, i don’t know, look, the refrigerator opens

, here it is, you can have different attitudes towards such a genre as black humor, some accept it, some don’t, i think that if it’s truly funny and relatively soft, then why not. a couple of examples, a friend comes to visit his to a friend, he says, he just visited the doctor, he said, i have 7 hours to live, i came to you, who else are we friends with since childhood, let's kill it as we know how, let's give it until the morning, let's kill it as we know how , until the morning, let 's get drunk, you're great, i won't get up tomorrow, i have to work in the morning, he's so short, i'm very, very sharp. here a man comes into the tram station with his nose sticking up to the hilt in his back, doctor, it only hurts when i laugh, and a couple of jokes from my ukrainian collection, which i simply adore, a ukrainian wedding,

the groom fell asleep with his face in the salad, his friends will be there, wake up, you're crazy, i mean, what do you mean wedding, you're the groom, what's serious, i 'm serious, toby, i say, you're the groom, oh, and the bride, he... vesta : what’s their name? but i don’t know, you literally got married in two days, chi galya, chi polina, chi polina, a godfather comes to visit his godfather, he sits, legs in a basin, dumplings, a glass, everything is ready, a man is resting, a day off, this so economical, take two empty buckets with you, hi, how are you, fine, i need to fill two buckets from your well, no more i need it, i really need it, please, is it possible, for god’s sake?

like a detective, a carrot sneaks behind him there, he looks, he comes into his yard with all the water in his well, wow, well done! a little lucky, he was sent to india, they gave him a business trip, he comes to india, no luck in india, lost money, documents, everything right there, well, he went, wandered somewhere in the trash heap, looked for something, found

a beautiful ampha , such a beautiful indian jug, well, he thinks, at least i’ll bring something home, there’s no chance of childfree, he’s lost all his money, he’d like to get there, well, he somehow wanted wipe, well, as in a fairy tale, the genie alya khatabych appeared, as it happens in a fairy tale, i will fulfill any wish for you, he says, well, i don’t know what wish, i haven’t had much luck in my life at all, make me lucky, now constantly, he speaks, i listen , i obey, and he’s gone, that’s it, then according to the fairy tale scenario, he finds money, a suitcase of money goes to the zoo , they don’t take money from him, it’s an open day, he’s already lucky, he came to the restaurant, ate, you are the thousandth visitor today, you don’t need money, you’re lucky, he came to the casino, a one-armed bandit he plays, there is roulette, he carries cards everywhere , a casino, the owner shot himself, he went to another, the same situation, the richest man, after a week he no longer knows what to do with the money, the glyph sewed pockets so that he could get money there, well, he decides to celebrate this matter, rents the shiraton hotel, they kicked everyone out of there, gave serious money, and until the morning there is such a thing that

local gypsies came, whoever was there, a man was walking, wakes up in the morning, doesn’t remember anything, fell asleep in a terrible state , wakes up, you look, he’s lying, he’s lying next to him a girl of extraordinary beauty , an indian girl, and like all indian girls have a volbu... i was always interested in what they had, a sticker, a tattoo or paint, it’s interesting how he took a coin so... neatly there is a lada inscription there, a person is lucky, his happiness has come, in general , happiness is a different concept for everyone, everyone measures their happiness in their own way, i want to say about myself, if today you all bring home at least one new joke for you and tell your friends and family, for it will happen to me too real happiness, thank you, be happy, thank you. “there are a lot

of questions, god grant that there is enough time to discuss everything, everything that 2023 will be remembered for, one branch of the northern stream two remains, today is the decision, tomorrow we turn the valve everything , and the gas flows, without digging someone else’s hole, into it ourselves you will fall, so they fell into this hole, everything that is important for the president, there is no need to step on the same ones.” success awaits us. results of the year with vladimir

putin. on december 14 at 12:00 moscow time, the president will answer live questions from citizens and journalists. representatives of the media will gather in the program studio, and you can ask your question now through the website moskvadefisputinu.ru by phone +7 495 539 4040 +7 499 550 4040.

petrovich on sunday on rtr, when a person is left alone with the war, these are hostages wars, civilians when they see us. then they have hope that they are not alone, their work is necessary, important, mortally dangerous, there is a line of fortifications that our poles are now holding, the enemy is ahead, i prefer to always go exactly to the front, to show exactly the combat operations, their task is to convey the truth to everyone, the military correspondent is such a new force, which in many ways defends the rights of the simplest truly. people, this is the same as the military who defend their homeland,

we do the same for our part, we look at the world through their eyes, we tell the truth and we understand what is happening, they trust when you tell the truth, they they have a huge audience, the whole country knows them , their opinion is guided by them, the guys are preserving russia, military correspondents, this is the best work in the world, premiere documentary on monday on rtr. he comes back, oh, i missed you, sklefosovsky, the city falls asleep, wakes up, eight new episodes, discharge, all seasons at once, an amazing person, he simply has the talent to always be in the center of events.

now we will see a number where a man and a woman are arguing, her stubbornness is arguing with his invention, well, what to do, it happens, women first look for a man. to be behind him, like behind a stone wall, and then begins to hammer this wall with his hammer drill. i continue to be amazed at how calm a woman is get along. two such incompatible concepts as a bad girl’s memory, and i, you asshole, will never forget this, and really, what can i say, you can eat borscht at your neighbor’s, just yell that she over-salted it, then you need a wife.

over the 60 years of my service to the stage, i have had many partners on the stage, among them were outstanding artists and unknown ones, men and women. these are the artists of my miniature theater, and the artists of the crooked mirror theater and so on and so on, well, on television, oh, how many partners have i had, for example, once upon a time so...

it turned out, i was making a parody of myself, in a word, we wanted to be naughty, thank you,

thank you very much, thank you very much, start, viktor mikhailovich, i’ll be second, i’ll go slowly. in the subway i run to the searcher down from behind , the man says faster, i'm faster, he says even faster, i jump out onto the platform even faster, we jump onto the train, he says we had time, i say, i'm eating in the wrong direction , i'm going crazy, i'm going crazy, i'm late for work, the boss says why are you late, i'm talking to the old lady across the road translated he says there is no in our city the street is so wide to walk now, i say so, i led it along. i’m going crazy , i came to a friend’s place, we drank, he fell asleep, and his wife tells me, finally we’re alone, i

say, i don’t understand, she says, i’m giving myself to you, i say, my birthday is only in six months, i’ll say crazy, i went to a psychiatrist, he says, just don’t worry, i’m not napoleon, he says, of course, because i’m napoleon, and you’ll be kutuzov, i say, only kutuzov didn’t have one eye, he won’t deal with that . i'm going crazy, i'm slipping, i went to a psychic, says: you need to check the biofield of your body, undress, i undressed, he took his things, left the store and did not return, horror, nightmare, i’m going crazy, one woman invited a colleague to engage in sadomasochism at her dacha, he thought that she was inviting him to do gardening, took a shovel and came, she whipped him...

one old woman wrote a letter to the state duma asking to ban advertising of sanitary pads, and they answered her, we can ban menstruation, but advertising is not allowed, nightmare, horror, simply, nightmare, one patient came to the clinic with runny nose, and he was prescribed a diagnosis of sleeping, he... immediately forgot about his snot, another was prescribed to massage his little groin, but they didn’t tell him where it was, he massaged it for six months, and then found out that it was the tailbone, what an experience, horror, horror, i tell my wife, if it’s on my salary, maybe only for work back, maybe i shouldn’t work? she says: it’s better for you not to return home, but there’s no order at home , i went to take out the trash, and my wife slammed the door and

asked for 2 hours who was there, my son too, showed me the diary, there were only two grades, i said, you should kill for such grades, he says i'm the same the teacher said, he decided to keep a cling to the beam, bought a small yellow one that ate it and didn’t grow, it turned out to be lumps. the mother-in-law also says: you need to insure your life, i say, nothing has happened to me in 30 years, she says: don’t worry, when you insure, what will happen, it’s a shame, it’s very, i tried the berries at the market, then i ask what it’s called, the seller says, it’s a wolf, i say, it’s poisonous, he says, give me the money, i’ll save you, i gave everything i had, he says, you’re saved from the blueberry. nightmare! the policemen chased the mercedes in their uaz for 2 hours, so the distance between

them during this time decreased only by 5 m, and that was because there were two drivers of the mercedes. i began to smell the same, a nightmare , i was going crazy, there was perfume on the right, a homeless man came in and i was immediately sickened by everyone, in the evening, but we don’t remember our apartment anymore, i remember, i just had to take the elevator, last time some guy came in , he says, your ticket, i say,

they don’t take tickets in the elevator, he says they don’t take tickets in the elevator, but this is an electric train. i'm going crazy, i went out in the evening street, i see a star is falling, i wanted to make a wish, and so it’s a lesson, i’m really confused, what has it come to, mounted police were introduced in moscow, i say, no, because it’s easier to come to an agreement, my wife says he’s a fool, it’s because loshki don’t drink . i say, well, so what, i also haven’t drunk for 2 days , i’m not a horse, she says: you’re an ass, i say, what did the eagle say before the wedding, she says, i mixed up the letter with, what has it come to, one guy gets paid for putting up ads, another for tearing them down, i got both jobs at once, i glued it, tore it off, on the third day someone laid it,

now i can only glue it with my nose and tear it off with my teeth. horror! one woman wanted to bewitch a married man, she gave him a charmed boar, but he lost it, and some homeless person found it and ate it. now this woman cannot leave the house, the homeless man is waiting for her. nightmare! horror! one producer says to a young singer, let me promote you, took 300,000, and then put me on a curousel and rode you around for 2 hours. kochma, another husband called his wife on a mobile phone from the next room and said: i love you, and then entered i asked the room: who called? the wife says: friend, go, horror, at school

they conducted a survey about what you want to become, so the majority. most girls want to become fashion models, most boys want to become killers , only one person wanted to become an astronaut, the teacher, it’s a shame, it’s a shame, a stranger came home from work earlier in the room, i hit him on the head with stools, and this is an electrician, now the apartment is dark, there are criminals in the cell they call me, i have a switch, it’s a shame, but i really want it to be in my soul. joyfully.

thank you. thank you, at least i can stand with flowers stage, let the wife watch, and next to evgei boganovich, thank you, thank you, good saturday evening, on the air, hello andrey, soloist of the group, no, 29, your favorite age yet.

the victim’s fourth negative, we don’t have one like that in the hospital, i have a fourth negative, they say some millionaire, a cool guy, wow, tatyana kolganova, this is marina. the fourth negative ask the prime minister today on rtr, he will give birth, the hay is shaking,

big changes have come, into the new season with a new renovation, with a slight movement of the hand we are from this is... in reality, as you look, let it into your home, big changes, every sunday on

rtr, love is when you look in one direction, look, look, look, you want to look, look, let's see, look, well, look to the screen. look at me, understand, look, look, agreement , sign, we sign at the same time for one, two, three, sign, look, look, maybe we’ll go to me, just watch a movie, who collects what, i know a person who is in made a collection in a notebook stupidest crimes? here are examples: the notebook is there, and i am that same collector, a young man with a shotgun entered the store and demanded cash from the cash register,

after he took the money, he saw a large bottle of whiskey and immediately demanded that it be included in the money, but was refused, the seller doubted whether he had reached 18 years old, argued, after which the robber took out his passport and showed it to the seller, he read it and gave the bottle, they parted for a while, after 2 hours the robber was taken by the police in his own apartment, since the seller reported the name and address indicated in the passport, such incompetence of the robber, so...