mayor lee and i were a bit distracted last year. i want to thank supervisor w iener for stepping up and doing the work to get the bond measure passed. it is not easy. i want to thank him for the fund-raising work he did, for being such an able spokesperson all over the city to explain why we need to do this. we all know that in addition to the bond, your elected officials as well as everyone who's part of the capital planning committee and city leadership, we know we need to find an ongoing source to make sure the money we get is going to be a down payment on keeping our roads paved and working over the next decades of our city. we're all committed to that. the excitement of being able to attack the 800 miles of streets, the 300 building structures, the ability to make our roads safer for our seniors, the disabled, kids, pedestrians, cyclists, and

drivers, i could not be more pleased. i look forward to signing this of the mayor's new desk and look forward to working with you as we see improvements in every single district and neighborhood of the city. thank you very much. [applause] >> part of the program is dedicated to improvements that will bring benefits to the many muni riders. a key part of that is the mta. during his tenure, the bond was brought to life and successfully passed. it is my pleasure to welcome the director of the mta and former director of dpw. >> it is like the former director gathering. [laughter] having spent four years doing

right of way infrastructure work in san francisco, it is not sexy, it is critically important to the economy and quality of life for those of us in san francisco. this bond will make it easier and safer for people to get around san francisco on foot by improving sidewalks, intersections, better striping, countdown signals it will make it easier and safer for people to get around on bicycles by improving and adding more bicycle lanes, making them safer, separating them from traffic wherever we can. it will make it easier and more efficient to get around on transit because we will be improving our traffic signal controllers so the traffic signals talk to the others so that the buses move faster.

this will be helping -- happening on the smoother pavement that these dollars will bring to san francisco. it is an important investment in infrastructure. you put those things together making it easier and more attractive to walk, bike, and take transit. that is how we meet the goals set back in 1973. it is only with this kind of investment that we can become the transit first city we all want to be. i want to thank the leadership standing behind me, particularly a supervisor wiener, without whom the spawned would not have passed. i want to thank some people who worked hard behind-the-scenes to do the legwork, analytical work, the packaging of this. i want to acknowledge douglas legg, gloria chan, and others

from dpw. we stand ready to work with dpw, stakeholders, and the public. we're ready to go to work to invest for san francisco and create jobs. thank you very much. [applause] >> power agency also works very closely with the san francisco -- in our agency also worked very closely with others to address pot holes and provide smooth rides for bicyclists. we depend on the bicycle coalition and its members to give us information, assessments, and conditions of the streets. i would like to introduce the executive director to say a few words. [applause] >> you know we will tell you what we think. we will keep on that. i want to thank the political leadership behind me and the

amazing leadership of the family around me. we're so proud to be part of the bond passing. i bike regularly on 17th street. this is a very welcome news of the bond funds to repay the 17th street. it is a great example of how far our money can go. these planes were strike less than a year ago. we have seen noticeable increases in the number of people biking on the street. this has happened throughout the city. every time we have dedicated space to biking, we see increases in the number of people biking. we will see the same kind of improvements and changes in safety when our roads are paved and smooth. it could not matter more to someone on a bicycle. the numbers of people boking in san francisco -- the numbers of people biking in san francisco

are skyrocketing. that is good for our environment, public health, and quality of life. it is also good for our local economy. more people biking and walking means more people visiting our commercial corridors, shopping, eating, in the local economy. that is for all the neighborhoods in our city. there is a great new study by -- i have to get the name right and give them credit. the political economy research institute in baltimore. the new study shows infrastructure projects around biking and pedestrian projects create more jobs than traditional road projects. on average, the projects create 11 to 14 jobs per $1 million spent. traditional road infrastructure projects create on average seven jobs per $1 million spent.

we are really proud of that. we want to make sure we're pumping more money into our local economy with more jobs, more people biking, and frequenting our commercial corridors. we look forward to repaving 17th street and many more. [applause] >> one more important partner. we've touched on improvement for drivers, transit riders, and bicyclist. this bond will also repair sidewalks all over the city. what san francisco is premier pedestrian advocacy organization. i would like to introduce the executive director. [applause] >> walk s.f. is eager to see new investment in wider sidewalks

and smarter street design throughout the city. in san francisco, even though we all walk, we still see 800 people here get hit by cars. that is too much. thanks to the mayor's pedestrian safety task force, we know that only 7% of our streets are where over half of all of the serious and fatal injuries occur. that means we know where to focus our resources to save lives. smart investment will pay off for everyone in the city because more walkable streets means more foot traffic. that is better for local businesses. that means safer streets for kids to walk to schools, families to walk to parks, and for everyone to enjoy lives, works, and visits san francisco.

thank you. [applause] >> i will now turn it over to mayor lee. i will ask all of us to gather around as he signs the legislation at his ne >> today is 2/3. one there. i only have one of these pens. if i had more, everybody behind me would get one.

they're valuable things. otherwise, the tallest person. [laughter] [applause] >> thank you very much. >> let's get to work. >> good evening, and welcome to tonight's meeting of the commonwealth club of california, the place where you are in the

know. >> you just said this is where we came in. >> is this a trick? you can find us on the internet. i am from kcbs radio. your moderator. this is part of the good lit series. now it is my pleasure to introduce our special guest today, d and alan zweibel. they need no introduction. dave barry won the pulitzer prize for his insightful and funny commons -- columns in the miami herald, which he wrote for 21 years. is the best-selling author of more than 30 bucks, none of which has won the pulitzer prize. you may remember the tv series "and dave swirled," which was about his life. fortunately for us, his wife is running a lot longer than the tv show. he has written a show with alan

zweibel. please welcome dave barry and alan zweibel. [applause] >> thank you. >> thank you for the fairly lengthy introduction. those are going to go first. i am dave. first of all, we're thrilled to be here at the commonwealth club. i want to tell you a little bit about myself. i live in miami. i moved there in 1986 from the united states. [laughter] one of the things i always feel like i should do is to defend my city because it had a bad reputation, a bad image. the zogby does this organization -- and does this

poll were they asked people about different cities. many respondents thought miami was a dangerous and violent place. that hurts. when we see that, we want to attract those people down and kill them. [laughter] it is a wonderful city, it really is. it is a question of learning to adapt to the local culture. for example, you would never say out loud in miami, i do not know, i think you have to admit that castro has done some good for cuba. [laughter] anyway, what ever you have heard, disregard. it is a great town. we have a new attitude out there. the tourism motto is to come back to miami, we were not shooting at you. [laughter] i want to tell you quickly about my career. i have been a humor writer most of my life. i started out as a regular reporter. i worked at a little leaguer in pennsylvania called the daily local news.

very small town paper. not the best edited paper. we once ran a headline that said women would be raped. [laughter] but that is where i got my start in journalism. i was not great at reporting. i was an english major and went into journalism because i wanted to write, but i learned that writing is not the key skill in journalism. talking to people is the key skill. sometimes you have to talk to people who are intimidating or hostile. good reporters are able to do that indeed there train of thought and not get flustered. i was not good at that. after i became a columnist but was still dealing with news events, in 1982 i was in new hampshire writing columns about the new hampshire presidential primary. i spent a day following the then first lady barbara bush around. not as a stalker, but as a

member of the press corps. it was a big press corps, lots of people. the motorcade of us going and around and all these dignitaries in various events. at the end of the day, mrs. bush had a press conference at a hotel ballroom. the place was packed. i was taking notes for my humor column. when i thought it was all over, the photographer brought the press corps that had been with mrs. bush up on the stage. maybe two dozen of us. they put me right next to barbara rush, first lady of the united states, for this picture. this is a situation where i know in my mind to say nothing. i knew that in my mind. [laughter] your brain does not always tell the rest of your body what the plan is. there was kind of a quiet moment with these high-powered journalists and this room full

of people. i planned to say nothing, but for some reason my mouth came open, and i said to barbara bush, first lady of the united states, who i had never met. i said, a shot at the same supermarket as your son jebb. [laughter] i swear to you. i did shop at the same supermarket but this was before he became governor of florida. but i do not think the first lady was dying to know that. i do not think she was wondering if this fellow shops it is in supermarket -- she goes, well, who gives a shit? [laughter] not with her mouth but with her eyes. with her mouth, she said we just celebrated his birthday. i analyzed the statement.

they have nothing to do with each other. she was being gracious. she has probably seen this happen in million tons. the person is reduced to a blithering idiot because she is a barbara bush. she was pretending we were having a conversation about her son. we really were not, but she was bailing me out. very thoughtful of her. i knew she was doing that. i said, thank you, mrs. bush. that is what i was thinking with my mind. but in my mouth was thinking, whoa, we're really getting it off here. i heard myself say, following up on the fascinating fact that i shot at the same supermarket as her son, i said, he is very tall. i swear peter it is true, but i am sure the first lady was already aware of that fact. now she's looking around for the guy with the tranquilizer and dart gun. she said, he did not just grow

this year. thank god. they took the picture, and it was over. i had to get the ridicule from my federal journalist on the way back to the hotel, marveling at my interviewing techniques. wondering what i would ask that lee harvey of what it i had the opportunity. they talk about spontaneous human combustion were people turn into flames and the scientists cannot explain why. i can explain why. sometimes it is your best option but don't so that really is how i became a humor writer. i was not good as a journalist. i must liro did on my own. then i ran it -- i mostly w rote it on my own. i was in and and wrote some young adult fiction books with one of my band mates. i enjoyed the experience but i never would have thought about writing an adult kind of novel

with anybody else until i met alan. i want to tell you about alan. i do not know if you realize how major he was then in the comedy world. the remember the great 19709- 1980 "saturday night live"? a lot of that was this man here. how many of you have seen "700 sundays close " with billy crystal? he co-wrote to that. how many of you have heard the song "mr. budging goals -- mr. bojanles"? he had nothing to do with that at all. [laughter] any way, ladies and gentlemen, my co-writer -- i ask one thing of you. when we get to the questions, please, no questions or comments about the freakishly huge size

of his head. ok, that is all we ask. actually, you should not look at it right now. a huge head. it is like easter island. >> it is for radio. >> doug and i are leaning to our left because of the gravitational force. but, as i say, he is sensitive about it. [laughter] let's forget right now about alan zweibel's head. ladies and gentlemen, alan zweibel. [applause] >> you know, it is really amazing to me that i actually know dave barry and actually wrote a book with him. i remember as a 5 or 6-year-old kid, my grandfather used to read

a lot of dave's stories to me. [laughter] and here i am now. how did i become a humor writer? it is ironic, the whole thing is because, originally, it was not my idea to become a comedy writer. this was a decision that was made for me about 35 years ago by every law school in the united states. [laughter] went to college. my great point average was really good, but you had to take the law boards, which was graded from 200-800. if you could write your name, you got 200. if your einstein, you got 800. if you work alan zweibel, you got 390. that classified me as mineral. [laughter] i remember going home at easter,

and i told my long island jewish parents that i got 390 on at the louisiana board. and about a week later, this was just as they uncovered the mirrors -- [laughter] my father gave me $1,000, which i then it took in gave to a man named stanley kaplan. stanley kaplan has these schools all over the country where they teach you to take standardized tests. so i gave him the $1,000. for six months, i studied it to retake the louisiana board -- the law board. six months later, i reject the test. my score catapulted up to a 401. [laughter] i figured, at that rate, i would be about 90 before i got into an english-speaking law school.

so i started writing jokes for all comedians who played in the catskill section of new york. the hotels paid me $7 a joke. that was the going rate at the time the vso 21. they are 45. it was like writing for my parents' friends. but i tried my best. they would say to me, like, a sperm banks. sperm banks are in it the news. write me sperm bank jokes. 21, this is what was the foremost on my mind. they have this new thing now called sperm banks, which is just like an ordinary bank except here after making a deposit, you lose interest. [laughter] hey, $7, what do you want? [laughter] then i became the sperm bank guy. they would go, more sperm bank jokes. that i looked into the future. i said, i see a problem with

spurring banks. they're starting to freeze sperm. that will be a problem because it is herded up telling kids and they are adopted. how do you tell them they are defrosted? [laughter] $7, ok? i am living home with my parents. this is after college. i got a job in a delicatessen to supplement this great living i was making. my price went to $10 and $12. these were nondescript comedians always driving -- writing for. i was going nowhere fast. years later, it was easier to write for guys that had characters, like rodney dangerfield. he had that thing, i do not get no respect. it was easy to say, i never got any respect. even as an infant, my mother would not breast feed me. she said she liked me as a friend. [laughter] see, that was easy.

these -- the catskills were dying. i said, ok, i am going to live with my parents forever. i am go to work in this delicatessen forever. i took these jobs that these old guys would not apply for me, and i made it into a stand-up routine for myself. there were two big clubs in new york. i will go on stage, deliver the jokes, and maybe a manager or agent, the kind of people who used to hang out there, would like my material and give me a job. this is where richard pryor started and lily tomlin and others. the first date -- the first week of was working there, i met a guy who is also starting up. his name was billy crystal. he lived about 3 tons over from where my parents live. he had a little blue volkswagen, used to pick me up every night. drive into the city. we would get on stage, do our jobs. he would drive me home.

we would critique each other's jokes and our acts. i am about four months into this nightmare, this experiment of mine. one night at about 1:00 a.m., having the hardest time in the world making these four drunks from des moines laugh. i get off the state and -- i get off the stage and go to the board videos awaiting for billy. a man sits next to me and starts staring at me. staring at me. i finally go, what, what do you want? he goes, you know, you are the worst the media i have ever seen in my life. i said, thank you, i really need to hear this right now. thank you very much. he said, but your material is good. do you write it? i said, yes. he said, can i see more of it? i said, you bet. i even asked his name. ends up this is lorne michael, and he is going to the clubs in new york looking for writers for

this new show called "saturday night live" that was going to premiere in the fall. i go home to long island and a type of what i believe for a 1100 of my best jokes. two days later, i have to go back to the city for my meeting with lorne. i was so nervous. what should i wear? well, hip new show. i will dress hip. i put on my father's marroon polyester leisure suit. i looked like a big blood clot. i went to the city. he was staying at the plaza mattel. my meeting was like at 2:00 p.m. i do not want to be late. i was really nervous. i got there like at 7:00 a.m. in the morning. i see a pay phone, 1975, no cell phone. i went to the pay phone and call

billy crystal. he had been talking to lorne about the possibility of being on this new show. i said, do you have any hints you can give me so i can have a leg up in this meeting? he said, well, he used to write for woody allen. he used to produce monty python specials. oh, and he hates mimes. lorne hates mimes. the bulls up a chair and give him this poem with 1100 jokes in it. he opens it. he reads the first joke. egos, u -- he goes, uh-huh, good. then he closes the book. i wrote 1100 jobs over two days, and he reads one joke. i wrote a jokes and the post

office was about to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the united states. 10 cents, but if you want to lick it, it is a quarter. [laughter] he said, good. good. he said, tell me, how much money do you need to live on? i said, well, i am making $2.75 an hour at the deli. match it. [laughter] he said, well, tell me a little bit more about yourself. acted it to mean before he committed this kind of cash, he wanted to see what he was buying. i said, with the allen is my idol. i love monty python. but if there is one mime on the show, i