have a good night and a great weekend. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, miley cyrus -- ali wentworth -- and music from andy grammer. with cleto and the cletones. and now, come a little bit closer, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, everybody. thank you. hi, i'm jimmy. i'm the host.

thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming and joining us. very nice. i appreciate it. thanks for coming on a holiday. today for those who don't know, today is national dog day. dogs as you're probably aware were widely considered to be man's best friend, until 2007 when the iphone was invented to replace it. i'm always curious as to how a holiday like this one gets started. i'm pretty sure dogs didn't start it. i know for sure squirrels didn't start national dog day. i went on the national dog day website. there is one. it turns out it was started in 2004 by an animal advocate who also started national puppy day and national mutt day. which i guess this person really, really likes dogs. on the site they have a list of 20 ways to celebrate national dog day. number one is to adopt a dog from a shelter or rescue, which

that makes sense. number two is make sure your house is safe for dogs. most of the ways to celebrate have to do with animal welfare. number six says, order a dog-shaped flower arrangement. which is insane. number 11 is, have a professional portrait painted of your dog. and number 15 is, give your dog a massage or holistic spa treatment. not a regular spa treatment, it must be holistic. seems like most dogs would be happy if you tie a knot in a sock and throw it. but anyway, all the dogs watching right now, i want to say happy national dog day and you're a good boy, yes, you are! dogs must think we're idiots, they really must. donald trump had a big night last night. donald trump presided over a rally in dubuc, iowa, where he touted his strong skills as a negotiator and showed off his considerable skills as an impressionist. >> i'm used to, you know, dealing with killers, people from grrrowgrrrow! negotiating with japan.

negotiating with china. when these people walk in the room they don't say, oh, hello, how's the weather, so beautiful outside, isn't it lovely, how are the yankees doing, oh, they're doing wonderful, great. they say, we want deal! >> jimmy: they do? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's how they -- is tonto from the lone ranger their spokesman? i don't know if donald trump will make america great again but he has certainly made cnn great again. [ laughter ] he also got into it with a very well-respected spanish language news anchor, jorge ramos from univision, who made donald upset when he tried to ask a question. >> who's next? yeah please. >> mr. trump, i have a question -- >> sit down, you weren't called. >> no, eye. >> sit down, sit down. go ahead. >> have the right to ask the question -- >> no, i don't. you haven't been called. >> i have the right to ask the question --

>> go back to univision. >> jimmy: he kicked him out of the place. he's not even president yet, he's already kicking mexicans out. you've got to be careful, guillermo. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: he's terrible. >> jimmy: i won't let him take you. they did let him back in the room eventually. he had him removed because he started ranting and rave like a madman, and you don't do that in front of donald trump, that's donald trump's thing. since it is national dog today and donald trump said "sit down" so many times i thought it would be interesting if we showed that clip to dogs to see what they do. will they listen to donald trump? and sit? let's find out. >> excuse me, sit down. you weren't called. sit down. sit down. go ahead. excuse me, sit down, you weren't called. sit down. sit down. >> jimmy: only the white dog sat down, by the way. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: you know, if it comes to donald versus hillary it will be lady and the trump. [ laughter ] i think we can expect a lot of people to dress like donald trump for halloween this year. they're selling donald trump masks. although looks more like a mask of abc news anchor sam donaldson. another news celebrity-oriented halloween companies soup is caitlyn jenner. there's a store that's offering a call me caitlyn costume that matches what she wore on the cover of "vanity fair." you know it's not a great costume when you're wearing a sash explaining who you're dressed as. there's an onlin petition demanding they stop selling this costume. over 9,000 people signed calling that costume transphobic. is it really? i think it's just dumb. if you want to be one of the five dumb guys at the party dressed like that?

go ahead. people are very sensitive. to me the most alarming part of the story is not that guys are dressing as caitlyn jenner. it's that there are people who are already thinking about what they want to be for halloween. it's august r -- august. go to work. [ cheers and applause ] we have a fun show tonight. another popular halloween costume celebrity, miley could i mile young people -- miley cyrus is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] as you probably know, the host of the mtv video music awards on sunday. everybody knows miley cyrus has a famous father, billy ray cyrus. she had a famous great grandfather. that's where she got the tongue ring thing. e equals mc squared. the mc stands for miley cyrus. miley is recognizable, so we decided to have some fun with that today. by making her unrecognizable. we disguised miley as an australian woman, a reporter. we sent her on the street to ask people what they think about miley cyrus, which could very well turn out to be uncomfortable. and, well, maybe it will be.

let's find out. here it is. miley cyrus in disguise in time for "eyewitness news." >> all right, everyone. janet here with? what's your name? >> karl. >> you're from california. do you know anything about what's going on in l.a. this weekend, the vmas, video music awards are coming up, mtv? >> i've heard of the vmas but i didn't know they were going to come here. >> they are. >> have you heard about who's hosting this year? miley cyrus as the host. >> that's cool, i guess. >> all right. >> if you like her. >> do you like her? what's your opinion? >> no, she's not one of my favorites. >> what do you not like about her? is it that her -- her shocking kind of -- >> really, her style. and her dad. i don't like her whole family. >> oh, really.

do you have any opinions on her? maybe what you think about her? >> well, miley cyrus, when i >> most of us, all of america, love her. >> because what -- what is her fafather's name again? he's the one -- >> what's miley cyrus' father's name? >> what would you say if miley cyrus was your daughter. if they were acting like miley cyrus would you have any thoughts? >> no, no problem, i just like taylor swift better. >> i heard that she is going to be hosting the show nude. what do you think about that? >> i would love to see that. >> oh, you would? >> you kind of look like her. >> that's why they hired me. i came in from perth, i'm here freaking out on hollywood boulevard. do you think billy ray -- >> that's the name, it came back to me. >> do you think he raised her to be that way or she lost her mind in all the hollywood madness? >> i think she lost her mind in the hollywood madness. >> he's got two daughters. if miley was one of your daughters would you let her out there dressing the way she is,

shaking her ass, what do you think? >> can i say hell no? >> hell no. absolutely. >> i think she's starving for attention, doing all the crazy. >> you took the words right out of my mouth. >> she's missing something somewhere. >> in her heart, probably. her deep soul. i know this is a big ask. could you sing a little? i'll sing with you. we can't stop >> you can dance like miley cyrus, i bet. can we get a little -- come on i'll do it with you. i'll do it with you. one, two, three, go. go. go. look into our camera and give her some advice and also america that kind of follows that lead. >> well, the whole fabric of america's falling apart and she's not doing anything to keep it together. >> absolutely. >> i think you're miley cyrus right now. >> what would janet say about that? do you want to check that out? >> janet --

>> does that look like miley cyrus? >> looks like miley cyrus. okay, yeah. >> deep it on the dl, that's miley cyrus' titties. janet up here, miley down there. >> jimmy: thank you, janet. we are going to take a break. when we come back we are going to empty out the youth hostel down the block to put foreigners to the test in a game of "hostel la vista." stick around, we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] 130 yards now... bill's got a very tough lie here... looks like we have some sort of sea monster in the water hazard here. i believe that's a "kraken", bruce. it looks like he's going to go with a nine iron. that may not be enough club... well he's definitely going to lose a stroke on this hole. if you're a golf commentator, you whisper. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. this golf course is electric...

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[ cheers and applause ] show. miley cyrus,ally wentworth, music from andy grammer on the summer's coming to an end soon. the streets of hollywood still packed with visitors from all

over the world. some of those visitors, mostly the young, stay a few doors down at a youth hostel, the hollywood samesun backpacker hostel, $30 a night, you share a room, a bathroom, weird foreign illnesses. we like to give young people staying there a chance to compete for a free room in a nice hotel and it's time to play "hostel la vista." cousin sal is outside with our -- wow. >> sal: what's happening? >> jimmy: that's a great look for you. >> sal: shut up. >> jimmy: i forget you're going to be dressing like that, then there you are. >> sal: yeah. >> jimmy: tell us who we have on the street. first of all, i see their names are -- >> sal: reese and kirstie, ready to go. >> jimmy: reese, where are you from?

>> from perth, australia. >> jimmy: that's where janet is having a good time in l.a. i got here two days ago. >> depends. couple of months. >> jimmy: it depends on what? have. it by ear. >> play by ear. >> jimmy: what do you do for a living? >> i do mining, saved up a bit of cash to come out and travel. >> jimmy: mining? >> i'll come back to it after. >> jimmy: it looks like that tattoo sleeve matches your tank top. yeah look at that. i don't know where the tattoo ends and the shirt begins. let's meet your competitor. that is kirstie. where are you from? >> hi, i'm from the scottish borders in scotland. >> jimmy: oh, very good. you're here on vacation? >> yeah i've been working at summer camp in pennsylvania and a bit of traveling around now that we're done.

>> jimmy: summer camp for kids? >> kids between 6 and 16, pretty cool. >> jimmy: very good. this is what you're playing for, just down the block. look at that they've got chairs, a bed, a couch at the end bed. no more carrying your own toilet paper to the shared bathroom. no more bunk beds, no more fleas. know something about us. our city and our state. and whichever one of you answers are you ready? >> ready. >> yes. >> jimmy: let's play. the title of this song. hooray for -- blank. hooray for -- we are off to a rough start. hooray for -- does that help? >> go for it. >> jimmy: well, i think the time is up. we're going to say -- it's hollywood. "hooray for hollywood." have you ever heard that before? >> never.

>> jimmy: oh, boy. >> good start. >> jimmy: that was the easy one. >> jimmy: we could wind up with you both back in the hostel is what's going to happen. next question. the state of california. reese. >> arnold schwarzenegger. >> jimmy: is that right, reese. >> jimmy: you are on the board. what sport do the los angeles kings play? reese. >> gridiron? >> jimmy: what? >> gridiron? football? sorry. >> jimmy: gridiron? >> sal: gridiron? >> jimmy: no, kirstie, do you >> basketball? hockey. >> jimmy: okay. next question. you're not going to get this. how about this. los angeles is known as the city of blank? the city of blank? >> angels? >> jimmy: angels is right,

reese, yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: in spanish that's what it means. next question, sprinkles is the name of what kind of food chain? >> cupcakes? >> jimmy: that's right, kirstie. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: cupcakes and there are thousands. there's one next to every medical marijuana shop here. >> i'm finding them then. >> jimmy: the university of california, los angeles, is known by what abbreviation? kirstie? >> ucla. >> jimmy: is that right, kirstie, that is right. wow this got really exciting. you guys know anybody here in town? have you met any friends while you've been here? >> yeah, yeah. >> not yet. >> i met a few people around, nightclubing the whole time i've been here. so it's been good. >> jimmy: well, you know, you could share the room if you want to end this now. >> oh!

it's up to you guys. sorry. >> jimmy: all right. our final question, hopefully someone gets it right. paula abdul was a cheerleader for what local sports team? paula abdul was a cheerleader for -- do you know paula abdul? >> new orleans? something like that? i don't know if that's even -- >> jimmy: not really local, no. >> well, talk about here. >> jimmy: what local sports team? that's a city, new orleans. kirstie, what local sports team, do you know? >> i have no idea. >> jimmy: it was the lakers, los angeles lakers. we'll go to the sudden death question. >> sal: this is really exciting. >> jimmy: the lakers play their home games at an arena named after what office supply store? kirstie. >> staples? >> jimmy: that's right! [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. i'm so sorry, reese.

cousin sal's going to load up your stuff and take you down the street to the hotel. reese, you are not going back to the hot tell empty-handed. we have a can of roach spray and a pair of rubber gloves. >> everything i needed. >> jimmy: thank you both, contestants. [ cheers and applause ] tonight on the show, music from andy grammer, ali wentworth is here, be right back with miley cyrus! [ cheers and applause ] all of our legendary racing heritage. all of our pioneering four wheel drive experience. come together in one amazing new vehicle. this is the all-new gle coupe. a mercedes-benz suv with the heart and soul of a race car.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight a very funny woman, she is the author of this book, it's called "happily ali after and other fairly true tales," ali wentworth is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is his new

single. it is called "good to be alive, hallelujah." andy grammer from the samsung outdoor stage. tomorrow night on the show we will become pierce brosnan, alicia deb natural carrie from "fear of the walking dead," music from lamb of god so join us for that. our first guest is a talented singer, songwriter, actor and all-around naked person. on sunday night she adds host to her resume as she presides over the mtv video music awards. please welcome mylie cyrus! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> to be honest, i'm a little cold. i would have worn a shirt -- actually, i wouldn't have. you could have warned me. >> jimmy: you are almost naked. >> almost. they always keep me almost on tv. >> jimmy: where do you get an outfit like this? >> really close to where we're filming, hollywood boulevard. >> jimmy: is that right. >> they have a lot of these. >> jimmy: i'm embarrassed now.

i don't know -- now, i can't help -- i'm going to have to -- >> this is the trick. you want to stare at my eyebrows. >> focus on the little eyes on your hat are what i will focus on right there. how are you? >> doing great. you know, you look really great with scruff. >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> all the ladies in my dressing room were saying, damn. we like the scruff. >> jimmy: very nice, i appreciate that. i'm still flustered by your outfit. yeah, by those -- yeah. by those. i know you probably get asked this awe all the time. >> go for it. >> jimmy: i have a 23-year-old daughter. what does your dad say when he turns the tv and he's like -- >> my dad doesn't know how did turn on the tv, he's a cave man. no my dad is actually -- my dad's cool. i'm sure head maybe rather me not have my tits out all the team. he'd rather have me have my tits out and be a good person than have a shirt on and be a bitch. [ cheers and applause ] i see a lot of people with their clothes on and they're kind of

[ bleep ]. i don't know if it's the clothes that turns you into a [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: it is, probably the clothes. >> when you have your tits out you can't really be a [ bleep ]. people are already judging you so it's like, you've got to -- you know. i feel better this way. >> jimmy: do you feel more comfortable like that? do you like -- do you feel more comfortable when other people are uncomfortable? >> actually, the -- not that it started this way. but i did the rock and roll hall of fame with joan jett. inducting her. talking to paul mccartney, i saw him not knowing how to talk to me, and i don't know how to talk to paul mccartney, so it made me him uncomfortable. sometimes it's a nice convo ice breaker. >> it's definitely an ice breaker. >> you can be stop staring at my tits! >> jimmy: okay, all right. keep your arms at your side would be better, probably. >> jimmy: it's funny. talking i'd probably be trying

to get a look. but since we're right -- >> having a good conversation is what you're thinking about. that's what they're always thinking about when i'm topless. >> jimmy: it's human nature is what it is, no two ways around it. >> what i've learned is that it's not the tit -- are you allowed to say tit? boob. >> jimmy: i think you are. >> it's like panty. the creepiest -- >> jimmy: you can say breast. >> breast. >> jimmy: the human breast. >> humans aren't afraid of the human breast, it's the nipple that's the issue. i'm showing my boobs and no one has a problem but the nipples are cover sod somehow that's okay. so america's fine with tits, it's nipples they don't like. >> jimmy: you're right, it is the nipples. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: which is what you have. >> i do have them. >> the nipple you can't show. the jug part that everyone doesn't have, you're allowed to show underboob. it feels like it's sliding. >> jimmy: i think i need to go to the hospital.

>> sticky glue and also tape. lots of tape. >> jimmy: does it hurt when it comes off? >> like a band-aid. >> sometimes it will leave the imprint of symbols -- pot leaf nipples or heart nipples or star nipples. you want. they have everything. these ones were cooler, they they have l.e.d. nipples. >> where do you get those, hot >> hollywood boulevard, pretty much my closet. how we -- >> it's interesting. instagram, girls are like hash tag! i'm like, hash tag tit pasty! a dollar for a pack of four! >> jimmy: you are saving a lot >> fabric, all of that, yes.

i'm very eco-friendly. i'm a vegan nudist. >> jimmy: you are a vegan nudist, aren't you. there aren't many of you, i would think. that are only us. >> jimmy: have you ever gone to >> i haven't had the joy. i'll probably move there one day. >> jimmy: i don't think you would. because i think it would not be a novelty. >> okay, no, here's the thing. i did go to a beach where you're allowed to be nude and it was insane the people that were choosing to be nude. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> i saw so much. i actually was like, yeah, it was extremely questioning of maybe i may never -- >> jimmy: it's a terrible thing. >> gravity is gnarly, yes. after a certain point, gravity takes a toll that is just so unforgiving. >> jimmy: not to mention hair. >> insane. and people that are on the beach spend a lot of time in the sun, which already dehydrates the skin, which is starting to sag. but then like on top of everything else it just -- it >> do you feel there will be an age at which you decide, i'm not going to appear in public nude anymore?

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>> jimmy: hello, there. we are back with mylie cyrus. the host of the mtv video music awards. are you excited about hosting the show? >> i am. >> jimmy: are you nervous? >> nervous isn't really the

word. i mean, i think i have little butterflies because i'm really excited and every day that is leading up to it has kind of been the best day ever. >> jimmy: really? >> i don't know, usually getting ready for those kind of shows isn't as much fun. mtv has been so awesome and they've pretty much let me do whatever i want, which is pretty crazy. >> jimmy: will you surprise them with anything? anything you've been holding back from them and you'll it is a live show, right? they haven't got to go through everything. i didn't even have the foam finger that everyone was so pissed about, 2013 vmas, i didn't have that in rehearsals. >> where that is? >> in my house. >> jimmy: maybe that should be sent to the smithsonian or something like that. >> it's thrown in there with all my other hoarding. >> jimmy: you posted this to instagram, a photograph, we see you, and snoop dogg, and your grandma. >> that's mamie. >> jimmy: how did grandma and snoop get along? >> it was pretty awesome.

but my grandma, i gave her a revised script. because there's obviously -- there may or may not be marijuana references in this scene. >> jimmy: oh, this is from a scene? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: i see. >> maybe i wasn't supposed to say that. my show. i'll tell you all that happened. my grandma has on an apron that says mary jane and she asked me who mary jane was. >> jimmy: oh. >> my mom and i looked at each other and snoop comes in and she had a good idea of who mary jane was. but she loved him and we called her to ask her to do this. i didn't know if my grandma would do this. we called, there's a rapper, his name is snoop dogg. she goes, well, i know who snoop dogg is. okay, sorry! then the whole way home she told my mom, he's so tall! now my grandma might be in love with snoop dogg. >> jimmy: he'd make a really great grandpa. >> grandpa snoop. i want a grandpa snoop. >> jimmy: christmas time. >> yeah. >> jimmy: grandpa snoop leaves

something under the tree. >> i want that. the tree -- >> jimmy: mistletoe. >> the mistletoe is smokeable, the tree is smokeable. [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: have you ever tried to get your grandmother to dress like you, like this? >> um -- no. my grandma is fresh. i got to admit. i see her and she's like always in like jumpsuits, like you know, terry cloth jumpsuits. >> jimmy: is that cool? jump suits. >> i think for a grandma. snoop wears them. they have similar style. grandpa snoop. >> jimmy: that's probably what it is. [ laughter ] >> grandpa snoop. yeah my grand may is the most fabulous person i've met. i cut my finger off one time in the blender, it broke my finger in half, and i was being rushed to the emergency room with my grandma. before i went in she slammed on the brakes and said, we've got to put on powder because you never know who's going to be in there. my grandma is an actual beauty queen. my finger is dangling off, blood pouring everywhere, dad's passing out from the blood and grandma's like, no, no, no. powder, powder. she's the beauty queen. >> jimmy: that sounds like a bad person to have around in a pinch. >> it is, it is.

yeah. >> jimmy: you have a pig at home. >> i do. >> jimmy: i saw a picture of you with the pig. where does the pig live? >> in the living room. >> jimmy: in the living room? >> with me. i've taken out all the furniture pretty much because she eats anything. any time you're sitting like this, you really have to like because she loves to eat them. >> jimmy: where do you get a >> at one of my concerts, someone had bought me a pig. actually, the dude that invented those bubba teeth. the hillbilly teeth. he brought me that. >> jimmy: there's an inventor behind those? >> oh, yeah. and i actually did my own line of bubba teeth and it was a trade -- like, give me the pig, i'll take the pig, make me some teeth. i had custom miley bubba teeth. he brought the pig to the a pig. obviously i took it. but i had other dates. i went to do other shows and stay at other hotels with this pig.

>> jimmy: you're allowed to bring a pig into a hotel? >> i don't really tell a lot of people what i'm going to do, i just kind of do it. i hope they don't find out. >> jimmy: what is the pig's name? >> pig. pig-pig. >> jimmy: double pig. eventually the pig -- >> it's huge. >> jimmy: will get too big to have? >> no, not too big to have. it just roams in the house so it's okay. but my dogs are getting a little terrified of this pig. >> jimmy: really? >> because it's huge. my chihuahua dog is scare have had the pig a little bit. i'm also getting a little scared of the pig. the other day she started to attack me. couldn't figure out what was happening. i was running around screaming. what, why don't you love me, pig, i love you so much! i just want to pet you. then i realized i was holding a peach. as soon as i dropped the peach out of fear she was fine. she wanted my peach. as long as you feed her, you can play with her all day. when the food runs out, you become the food. terrifying. >> jimmy: i feel like something

bad is going to happen with that pig. >> everyone's like, we have these nightmares of you passing out on the couch or something, my dad and some of my friends will tell me. >> jimmy: maybe it's time to take a break from being a vegan nudist and eat the pig. >> i can't do it. you know what? i wasn't always -- i wasn't always a vegan. i was kind of like the pig and all these animals. i love them too much, i could never eat them. >> jimmy: that's good to know. >> i don't wear clothes and i don't eat pigs. food quality. >> jimmy: not only are you not wearing leather you're not wearing cotton, anything, nothing. >> jimmy: i wish you luck at the show. i know you're giving kanye west the video vanguard award. >> jimmy: i hope that goes without a hitch. >> yeah. i hope he doesn't push me offstage. >> jimmy: yes, i hope he doesn't push you offstage. will you be completely naked at the show? or will you have some shred of clothing on? >> i can't say what i was going to say. they make pasties for other parts also. i can always just do that.

i want you leave some surprise. >> jimmy: why don't you shock everybody and come out in like a ski outfit or something, you know? maybe nice overalls and a frumpy sweater. >> never going to happen. >> jimmy: no? >> never happen. >> jimmy: we'll get to see you -- >> i'd like to see you in some of this. >> jimmy: no, wow wouldn't, believe me. i look like some of the people at the colony you were disgusted by. mylie cyrus! [ cheers and applause ] sunday night, vmas live on mtv, be right back with ali wentworth!

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>> jimmy: there you go. there are winners and losers in life. our next guest is a very funny and unusual person. her husband is in new york, waking up to go to work on "good morning america" right now, while she is here with her new book, "happily ali after" please

welcome ali wentworth. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's my lucky night. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, boy. >> as an old lady with saggy breasts i was watching mylie cyrus and i thought, all right. i'll play that game. >> jimmy: you look fantastic, by the way. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> we just bumped into each other and i went, mah! we went mah! >> jimmy: that's how people communicate these days. i have a feeling dvrs are being put to use with the rewind button and slow motion button. >> i can't wait until george stephanopoulos sees this on "gma" tomorrow morning. >> george is your husband, for those who don't know. >> george clooney. he's a movie actor. >> jimmy: will george be upset with you for doing that?

>> i've done far worse. >> jimmy: all right, all right. >> you know -- ali wentworth, single and alone and a cocktail waitress. no. come on. you had to do that. it's all about the boobs. >> jimmy: you did the right thing. you did the brave thing and you did the right thing. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: i heard you were in an accident on the way over here? >> this has been one crazy late-night talk show for me. >> jimmy: are you all right? >> totally fine. i was -- i was driving. i didn't have a car and driver. i come alone. lip gloss, zoloft, and my dress and i had my rental car. where to turn. anyway. now that i'm saying this on tv. it was my fault. >> jimmy: oh, no, you don't want to say that. >> it was my fault. >> jimmy: okay, all right. >> i think the boobs, everyone saying it's my fault. kind. you know, what am i going to do, it's my girlfriend's car.

and i said, i know this sounds weird but i'm a guest on "kimmel." see where it says "jimmy i have to go do hair and makeup. this is going to take hours. he said, insurance. i called your producer ken, who came running in sweating going, i've never done this for a crazy to handle this. >> jimmy: usually we send a car, >> we called -- i called the police. emergency? fender-bender. no. is there blood, are there bones -- is there a "law and order svu" situation? and i said no. and they said, we don't care. >> jimmy: they don't care. they figure we can work it out on our own. >> yeah. i said to the guy, i'll take care of everything. he said, i'm a camera operator. and i said, you know what? how about we call it a day. i get you a job on "kimmel." and he was like, you know, wow, high five. so his name is jacob and he starts on monday. >> jimmy: oh, great. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: i don't know, sorry, i don't know who's going to have to go but jacob -- >> probably him. probably that guy. he's not union, i don't know if that's a problem. >> jimmy: great, terrific. your book is funny. >> thank you. >> want to ask you a couple of things about it. one thing in particular that jumped out at me. i'll read a passage from it. >> gather round the hearth, people. >> jimmy: listen up, kids. my cousin lucy is a walk-awayer. any sign of marital dischord, she'll roll out of the moving car, submerge her head in water to escape altercation. lucy could be gorging on a lobster when her husband pete decides to confront her with some issues on their sexless marriage and she will claw still in her mouth, dart out the back door of the seafood restaurant." how does lucy feel about the fact that you have identified her sexless marriage? is she okay with that? >> well -- jimmy, lucy is not her real name.

>> jimmy: oh, it's not. >> no. >> jimmy: what is her real name? >> it's angeline. she's my second cousin. no, my husband george clooney -- [ laughter ] >> he will read the first draft of anything i write to make sure i don't get sued. >> jimmy: okay. >> that's from working in the white house when lawsuits were a-plenty. he will read a first draft and go, you can't say that, you can't call them that, you have to change his ethnicity, ex-boyfriend. so they're hidden. but lucy knows who she is. >> jimmy: i see, all right. are you going to drive yourself out of here? or are we going to -- i think we should have somebody drive you. >> i was told it was a fold-out couch. >> jimmy: you could sleep here if you like. >> and the snacks here are incredible. >> jimmy: and you've already got wardrobe. >> i already have wardrobe on my pale skin. do we have time for one more story? >> jimmy: i figure you'd say, do we have time for one more flashing incident? >> i know.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ali wentworth, everybody. after." be right back with andy grammer! [ cheers and applause ] live" concert series is

presented by samsung.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> i want to thank mylie cyrus, thanks to ali wentworth, apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but first, here with his new single "good to be alive, hallelujah," andy grammer! i've been crying so long been trying this for years and i've got nothing to show just climbing this rope right here and if there's a man upstairs he kept bringing me rain but i've been sending up prayers and something's changed i think i've finally found my hallelujah i've been

waiting for this moment all my life now all my dreams are coming true, yeah i've it's good to be alive right about now good, good, about now oh, hoo good, good, good, good to be alive right about now oh, hoo hallelujah let that baseline move ya' say yeah it's good to be alive right about now i was dead in the water nobody wanted me i was old news i went cold cold as cold could be but i kept throwing on fire burn sometimes you gotta get scarred to get what you deserve i kept moving on and now i'm moving up came up feeling blessed with all this love i think i've finally found my hallelujah i've been waiting for

this moment all my life now all my dreams are coming true yeah i've been waiting for this moment it's good to be alive right about now good, good, good, good to be alive right about now oh, hoo good, good, good, good to be alive right about now oh, hoo hallelujah let that baseline move ya' say yeah it's good to be alive right about now i almost can't cannot handle it i could get use could get use to this i almost can't cannot handle it i could get use could get use to this i think i've finally found my hallelujah, hallelujah hallelujah, hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah hallelujah, hallelujah it's good to be alive right about now good, good, good, good to be alive right about now good, good, good, good to be alive right about now hallelujah let that baseline move ya' say yeah it's good to be alive right about now good, good, good, good to be alive right about now good, good, good, good to be alive right about now good, good, good, good to be alive right about now good, good, good, good to be