>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, from "empire," taraji p. henson, matthew fox, "lie witness news," and comedian byron bowers, with cleto and the cletones. and now and furthermore, here's

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. debate night. tonight on cnn the mildly anticipated first debate between the democrating presidents. if you were in vegas tonight you get to see elton john, donny and marie, the juds, or you can go and see the presidential debate. there's really something for everyone. cnn has been running a countdown clock to this debate for days now. every minute on cnn, i'm not just sure cnn understand. it's something to lead to something exciting. they got a huge audience for the republican debate because of doesn't have a donald trump. this one has bernie sanders.

he looks like he's just barely living. he looks like he's on the verge of being alive. so they had to find a way to drum up excitement. the first thing they did was what they've been billing as the first ever virtual reality live stream of a news event in 3-d. it was. it was amazing when hillary came on screen it was like the pant suit was coming right at you. you had to have special equipment to watch it which means probably five people did. so their next move was to say they were keeping a spare podium open for joe biden in case he decided to enter the race at the last minute. and as if he's going to walk in and shock everyone like a spanish soap opera or something. you can't just leave an empty podium with an mike on stage like that. that's like an open invitation to kanye west to jump on stage. but i will say -- [ applause ] -- you do have to give cnn points for trying. at least they were honest with the promos that they ran. >> you heard from the

republicans, but tonight it's the democrats to enter debate. hillary clinton, bernie sanders, i want to say mark, is his name also mark? and john litko. which nondescript white guy will hillary clinton beat? tune in to find out, only on cnn. [ applause ] >> you know they all married kardashians we would know their names, right? meanwhile as the candidates for president are facing off the first round of the baseball is under way. cubs just beat the cardinals. they are moving on in the national league championship series. and some of the other series are starting to heat up in a almost sexual way. >> so hot right now that as opposing player and vp, if it wasn't the playoffs you would go up and rub on him just to get

some of his hotness on you. that's what you try to do is rub up on him to get om of their hotness, their feel. hopefully it will rub off on you one way or the other. >> jimmy: my goodness, it must be the wet hair to get him excited. we have a world class competition of our own going on tonight. we're going to put six lucky beer drinkers to a test of endurance, grit, determination, and sanity because it's time now to hold beers at arm's length at the samuel adams oktoberfest stein hoisting finals. our referee tonight is guillermo. he's with our six finalists. these are the best of the best stein hoisters in the united states. contestants, show us how you hoist the stein, for those who don't know. that's right. it's harder than it looks. you have to hold it out for a long time.

hoisting one liter steins of delicious sam adams octoberfest beer. tell white house you are and where you're from. >> justin from west bam beach, florida. >> mish sanmichigan. >> jimmy: were the matching beer a coincidence? >> i'm lori from new baltimore, michigan. >> jimmy: okay? >> rebecca from new york. >> jimmy: and? >> detroit, michigan. >> jimmy: all right. very good. welcome to all of you. good luck here. the rule, number one, whoever hoists the longest is the winner. number two, your back must be straight at all times. number three, you cannot bend your elbow. number four, you cannot spill your beer. >> guillermo: jimmy, if they spill it, i'm going to drink it. >> jimmy: are you ready? >> yes. >> jimmy: let the hoisting begin. guillermo, get them started.

ready, set, hoist! >> jimmy: guillermo, guillermo is supposedly making sure nobody cheats or bends. we'll check back in later and crown our stein hoisting champions. i like the lady on the end. she looks real solid to me. here's something that i have to admit as 47-year-old man really shocked me. playboy magazine announced yesterday they will no longer feature nude models, no more naked ladies in playboy. if you ever wanted to know what ms. february looks like with clothes on, you're about to find out. they're doing this, i guess, to try to weech a wider audience. they did it on their website and supposedly it resulted in more traffic and views, which doesn't seem -- it's kind of sad. when i was a kid "playboy" is how a lot of us got our first look at a naked woman. 12 years old, you find the "playboy "playboy" in your dad's dresser drawer. maybe suzanne somers is on the front cover.

now the kids go through their dad's browser on the laptop. speaking of kids getting into things that they shouldn't. this is posted to youtube. you will see a little boy who has questions for his mother that she would prefer not to answer. >> don't you use these on your butt? >> what you what? >> you don't use these on your butt? >> what do you mean? >> do you use these for your butt? at the old house, our house, our old house, don't you? >> no. put them up. >> i saw you, the other day. the -- a long, long time ago days, you -- you did use it sometimes. the older days. so you still want a pack of them? >> put it back. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and what's with that

one little piece of candy you eat every night before bed, is that -- mom? you will make a great detective/gynecologist one day. all right. back to the debate for a moment. as you know, most people have very strong opinions when it comes to politics. there's not much middle ground anymore. so yesterday we went out on the street and we asked people how they thought hillary clinton did in the debate last night. of course the debate is tonight, it was not last night. and this is the first debate hillary has been a part of. but did that stop pedestrians from weighing in on her performance? it's time to find out in tonight's hillary clinton debate edition of "lie witness news." >> how do you think hillary did during the debate last night? were you impressed? >> not really, no. >> what could she have done better? >> she just seemed lost overall and she didn't seem like she had a place, like her feet underneath her when she was playing her speech the whole

time. i thought she seemed confused by what she was saying. my outlook as an audience member didn't seem like she was doing. >> what did the people who were watching it around you say? >> they weren't paying attention to it. i was the only one watching it. >> where were you when you watched the debate? >> i think it was on youtube somewhere. you know, on my phone. >> what did you think about how hillary clinton was calling bernie sanders old man so much? >> well, you know, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. and i think hillary was trying to get away with a few jabs of her own. and so i think that was fair play. >> how do you think hillary did during the debate last night? were you impressed? >> no, i was not. >> what do you think she could have done better? what was your overall impression? >> overly prepared. i don't know if that is just because, um -- i just felt like she was over prepared. like she just doesn't brushed up

bit and -- i think she could have practiced more. >> seemed like she was making it up as she was going along? >> winging it. she was mott winging it well. >> didn't have the correct information. >> correct, correct. >> was lying. >> well, i think she lies about a lot of stuff, but i think a lot of politicians lie about stuff. i think they lie about stuff until they get caught. >> would you ever lie about something as serious as politics? >> no. i think that unfortunately in the united states we have a lot of checks and balances that we think are supposed to kind of help prevent that. and so people lie as far as they think they can get away with so they don't get caught in it rather than having the ethical standpoint i'm just not going to lie about stuff. winner. now. give that woman a show already. when we come back we're going to do something weird. my staff went deep into my personal past and found someone i supposedly know. my job when we come back will be

to try to figure out who this mystery person is. this person will be amidst a group of mystery strangers in a new game called "blast from the past." i'm not vouching for this yet. this could be a disaster. we'll check in with the sam adams stein hoisting. when we come back, we will be right back. wow, the trembling is really >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by sam adams. delicious octoberfest, get it while it lasts. sam adams, for the love of beer. i want to get the new iphone as little birthday treat for myself. oh, great! well, when you get an iphone from at&t, you get the network with the nation's strongest 4g lte signal. so happy birthday. thanks. but actually my birthday is not for another 5 months.

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>> jimmy: welcome back. we are hosting the samuel adams stein hoisting finals. how are you doing right now? is it possible to speak? >> i feel good, jimmy. >> jimmy: how about you? >> hanging in there. >> jimmy: do you guys know each other? >> no. we go back like car seats. not real far. >> jimmy: this is the first time you have met? >> yes. >> jimmy: how much longer do you think you're going to be able to hold out? >> we don't have time for matt damon. >> jimmy: all right. you've got the same amount of beer. how do you get good at something like this? do you drink a lot in general? >> i used to be a brewer. >> jimmy: you were a brewer? >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you had experience holding beer at arm's length? >> yeah.

>> jimmy: and how about you? oh, i don't know, is that arm strained? wait a minute. guillermo -- >> that's cheating right here. >> jimmy: do we have official judges or just one dressed up in a costume? >> guillermo: just me, but i think he is the winner. >> jimmy: you are declaring a winner? >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: his arm is straight and the other arm, i'm sorry to say, is bent. no, that doesn't help. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations. champions on stage, men's and women's champion to present the medals to our champions tonight. please welcome the founder of jim? >> congratulations. take your hat off? >> yes, please. >> go ahead, man.

>> jimmy: yes. >> these are the finest medals boulevard. >> thank you. >> jimmy: jim, what do they win? >> thank you, guys. thanks, guillermo. it's my pleasure to award each of you champions a trip for two to munich for the octoberfest. >> jimmy: wow. imagine the babies they would make. babies holding a bottle out of the end of their arm. >> can i have some? >> jimmy: yes. thank you, jim. thanks to both of our champions. i pray the international olympic committee is watching tonight because it is high time a gold medal for beer hoisting comes home to the united states. it's time to play "blast to the past." let's go to the wall.

this is a game that -- so this is -- there are eight people as you can see on the wall. one of the people on this wall is someone i either know or used to know. could be from 40 years ago. could be from last week. i have no idea. my family and staff colluded to try to stump me. what they don't realize is i am unstumpable. hello, everyone on the wall. how are you? >> hi, jimmy. >> hi. >> jimmy: i'm looking -- i'm going to examine your faces now and see if any of them look familiar to me. all right. there's number one. number two. number three could be related to me. number four. oh, number four looks like i would know him. number five looks like i would know him. number six looks like she could be related to me. number seven, probably not related to me, but could be someone i know. has a lot of presidents on the wall in the background. and number eight does kind of

look familiar to me. oh, my goodness. so i have to pick one of you and then you will tell me if you are the person that i know. i am going to go with number -- i'm going to go with number one. number one. number one. put number one up on the big screen. number one, are you the person that i know? >> jimmy, i am not the person that you know. >> jimmy: let's go back to the wall. not the person that i know. we could put him back on. all right. my second choice is going to be number eight. number eight, are you the person that i know? >> i'm sorry, jimmy, but i'm not the person that you know. >> jimmy: all right. maybe we'll get to know each other. all right.

back to the wall. boy, this is disappointing. i am next going to go with number five. number five, are you the person that i know? number five? >> jimmy, we have never met. >> jimmy: all right. we're narrowing it down. next up i am going to go with number three. number three, are you the person that i know? >> i'm not the one you know. >> jimmy: well, there aren't many left. next i'm going to go -- now i can't remember who i picked. four. number four, are you the person that i know? >> i do not know you. >> jimmy: this is a terrible game. all right.

there's only three people left that i haven't picked. all right, next i'm going to go with number six. number six, are you the person that i know? >> jimmy, i'm not the person that you know. >> jimmy: all right. i'm going to now go -- i'm going to go with number seven. are you the person that i know? >> jimmy, i am the person you know. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i knew i would get it. it was easy. >> really? >> jimmy: it was actually real easy, yeah. once i got through the first six, you know. wow. okay. so now i'm going to ask some yes or no questions. and then you answer them and i will see if i can figure it out. all right? did we go to school together? >> yes, we went to school together. look at this. >> jimmy: oh, we went to high school together. that is me. okay. did we have a class together? >> yes, i believe we had a class together.

>> jimmy: you believe we had a class together. that means we weren't particularly close? >> yeah, we was. i used to talk about you back in the day, in a good way. >> jimmy: oh, wow. have we ever made love? >> jimmy, no. >> jimmy: no. that's right. yeah, no, that would rule out everyone in high school. were we in art class together? >> yes, i believe we was in art together. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. did we sit near each other in art class because we had assigned tables there. >> oh, yeah, we sat by each other because i talked about you every day and you talked about me. >> jimmy: oh. is your last name gaston? >> yes!

>> jimmy: are you -- are you claudia gaston? >> i am clausia gaston. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. very good to see you, claudia. and i remember -- >> you, too. >> jimmy: i do remember something you said. i had a friend named elliott and you asked if i knew elliott. he was in another class with you and you referred to elliott, if i recall correctly, as a big ass feet mother [ bleep ], yes? >> oh, jimmy. that wasn't me. >> jimmy: well, it's very good to see you, claudia. it's very, very good to see you. >> but i have something for you. >> jimmy: what do you have for me? >> you told me, because we used to cap on each other and make each other laugh. i said whoever makes it big first have to buy the other individual a house because i was and you were the comedian. so what's up? >> jimmy: i guess you owe me a house. claudia gaston. >> you owe me. >> jimmy: i'll get right on

that, claudia. all right. here we go. that was fun. we're going to play that later. we're doing to play that later with taraji henson and someone from her past. matthew fox is here. tar ranlg >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by sam adams. delicious octoberfest, get it while it lasts. sam adams, for the love of beer. sonal info in these online shopping forms. hellloooo??? i don't have time to be filling out my address, i need to be buying a dress. that's why i use masterpass. less typing, more dancing. sfx: tango music como te llamas? yo soy camarones. dip me. the easier way to shop online. masterpass from mastercard and your bank.

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>> jimmy: tonight, from the new

fox is here. then a very funny guy from atlanta, byron bowers from the samsung comedy stage. tomorrow night from "castle," nathan fillion will join us, jalen rose will join us, and we'll have music from father john misty. and on thursday, justin theroux from "scandal," scott foley, music from duran duran. and next week we're off to brooklyn, new york, for five shows from the brooklyn academy of music with a lineup of that includes howard stern, jay-z, bill murray, michael j. fox, bradley cooper, misty copeland, paul shaffer, ryan adams, esperanza spalding, public enemy, donald trump, and just added tracy morgan. yes, that's right. it will be quite a week. our first guest is a talented actress who might be the most popular "cookie" in america right now. she's just ahead of toll house and way out in front of oatmeal. her crazy successful show is called "empire." >> uh-uh. white bitch, you got to go.

actually means she who owns 20% of empire. >> around that translates into she's staying. >> mom, we're mobiles now. let's just do this video shoot. >> okay, you're the boss. >> all right. settle down. settle down. good morning, everyone. as i was just explaining to jamal, lushs concept for the video is a post apocalyptic panther theme with the brothers fighting police open pregs. >> that's real subtle, lushs. >> "empire" airs wednesday night please say hello to taraji p. henson. [ cheers and applause ] >> hello. >> jimmy: how are you doing? you look fantastic. >> thank you. >> jimmy: were you wearing one of eddie murphy's concert

>> i thought i would give it a 2015 update by adding the chains to it. >> jimmy: the last time you were here you were just shooting the first season of "empire" and now it's one of the most popular shows in a very long time. it's unbelievable. when did you realize it had become really big? >> i guess it was like when the numbers kept growing. >> jimmy: when the ratings kept going up and up and up. >> like, this is out of control train. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but i love it. i'm on it. [ applause ] >> okay. so all of my fellow americans, we need music. please don't send me any more cookies because i can't eat them or i won't be able to fit cookie's clothing. >> jimmy: i was wondering about that. >> oh, my god, yeah. >> jimmy: there was a thought we would have cookies for you and then i realize that's stupid thing because everybody probably

thinks they're the first person to do it. but if you were to get cookies what kind of cookies would you want? >> anything with chocolate in it. >> jimmy: anything with chocolate in it. you know the cookies are now not going to stop. this happened to cookie monster many years ago. he actually wound up with diabetes as a result. >> well, you know, nowadays they make sugar-free cookies, vegan cookies. but again, no more cookies. i've had all the cookies. >> jimmy: we know that the first lady of the united states has said that she watches the show. >> yes. >> jimmy: which is pretty crazy. >> amazing. so i guess lee daniels went to the last state dinner he had, the first lady and president had. i was supposed to go but i had to work. and so lee calls me like as soon as it's over. he's like, oh, my god, you're not going to believe this. i'm like, what. you know how you're in the vine and everybody wants to shake the president's and first lady's hadn't. as soon as i get over there our

president says to me, now you know, lee, i would never call lieu shus. he would call me. he is talking at an episode from the first season. then he moves down the line and our first lady goes, where is taraji p. henson. i want to see her. you have no idea how much i love cookie. so i dropped the phone. what? >> jimmy: you know, she doesn't ever like cookie, she likes kale and healthy things. >> i know. but i play a very healthy cookie. >> jimmy: that's exciting. >> it's good for the soul. >> jimmy: you see the game we played before you came out here? >> yes. i'm a little nervous yks we have set this up for you. >> it's not an exlover, is it? >> jimmy: it might be. it might be. fortunately for me i have no ex-lovers so it worked out all right. but what we've done here is we got -- let's put them up on the board right now. we've got six people and one of

now is from your past. now, you can only ask yes or no questions, so if you want to pick one, and then we'll find out if it is the person -- >> i need my glasses. know you, okay? one of these people knows you. >> is it a timer? i got to hurry up? >> jimmy: no, it's okay. you know. >> oh, god. >> jimmy: look at their faces. >> ooh. i want to say number two. two. let's bring number two up. number two, are you the person that taraji knows? >> taraji, we don't know each other. >> jimmy: you do not know number two. >> he's really cute. i forgot. i thought it was like match making or something. my bad. my bad. go back. let's see. >> jimmy: this is not tinder. >> okay. >> jimmy: yeah. >> number three. >> jimmy: number three.

is number three -- number three, are you the person taraji knows? >> yes, i am. >> jimmy: oh. now, you can ask yes or no questions to see if you can figure out who this person is? >> have i sat on that sofa? >> no. >> jimmy: good first question. >> because it looked familiar. >> jimmy: it is a good question. >> did we go to school together? >> yes. >> jimmy: you did go to school together. >> we went to oxy hill? >> yes. >> god, i know your face i just can't put it. were we on -- >> jimmy: imagine with a crown on her head? imagine her with a crown on her head? >> homecoming queen court. homecoming queen. you were in the homecoming. yes, i remember. i see that picture. yes! there you are.

>> vanessa, yes! >> jimmy: vanessa. >> vanessa, i was like, there you are. >> jimmy: vanessa, do you remember anything about taraji that you can share with us from school? >> well, i always thought she was very sweet and quiet. and she was always smiling. but nothing like cookie. >> jimmy: nothing like cookie. look at this. there is -- vanessa crowning you. queens. and she was the year before you. >> i remember that. and i did -- >> jimmy: yeah, now you remember it. yeah. >> well, it didn't take me six tries. >> jimmy: thank you, vanessa. >> thank you. >> jimmy: taraji, well-done.

wednesday nights at 9:00 on fox. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you columbia sportswear.

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>> jimmy: for five-and-a-half

years our next guest was probably the most important person in my life, you love him from "lost." his latest alongside kurt russell is the western-cannibal thriller "bone tomahawk." it opens in theaters, on itunes, and video on demand one week from friday. please welcome matthew fox. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that would be if you came with a friend but since you're here on your own, this is the one to sit in. you know how much i miss you? and i'm going to tell you something, also. i talk still to this day, talk about "lost" at least once a week with somebody. >> yeah. >> jimmy: there are people who now with their children. they go back and start and the kids love it even now. >> that's true. there's a whole new generation of finding the show. >> jimmy: did you watch it with your kids?

>> no. >> jimmy: no. okay. >> my son did watch it. and he was really, really into it. he just turned 14 yesterday. happy birthday. >> jimmy: oh, how nice. nice. >> so he found the show with some of his buddies. and they watched the entire six seasons of it and absolutely loved it. and that was really cool for me. >> jimmy: that is pretty cool. >> yeah. >> jimmy: now, you are -- this movie you're in is like a western or cowboy cannibal movie. which is an underrepresented genre, i would say. has there ever been one before? >> i don't think so. i think this is the first one. it's ground breaking. >> jimmy: pretty miraculous that would happen. >> it's definitely very original. when i read the skrept i fell in love with it. i have always wanted to be part of a western. it's really a straight up western. >> jimmy: is this your first western? >> yes. >> jimmy: wow. you grew up in a western? >> i did.

wyomingnd grew up on horses and have always loved the western genre. i went through a period when i was 12 years old and read every louie lemoore ever written and some twice. >> jimmy: do you have sculptures with the bronze in your house with the guy roping something? >> no. i have this one on my belt. >> jimmy: how old were you when you learn how to ride a horse? >> i was -- you know, my dad would just put us on horses when we were -- could barely walk. i really started riding a horse on my own when i was 5 or 6 years old. >> jimmy: 5 or 6 years old? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: on your own? >> on our own. >> jimmy: riding off? >> we lived up 17 miles of dirt road at the base of the mountains in northwestern wyoming. and, you know, we -- he would let us ride only without a saddle, we had to ride bareback because if you fall off with a saddle you could get hung up. >> jimmy: wow. >> used to fall off all the time. on our own out a ways from the house. >> jimmy: what happens when

you're 5 and you fall off the horse? how do you get on to the horse with no sad until. >> that was a big part of it. you would have to find the closest fence and lead your horse. and sometimes that was a very long ways away. lead your horse up to that fence. climb up a barbed wire fence next to the post where you had like sturdy wire. climb up. get your horse is it chew waited. the horse had to be very old and very kid friendly. and then you would just dive from the fence on to the back of the horse, grab a bunch of mane and swing your leg over. hated you. >> no, they loved us. >> jimmy: stupid kids grabbing our hair and jumping off the fence. upbringing. >> i bet. >> jimmy: were you the best rider of the group of actors? >> well, i 19, curt, i mean, curt is a very good horse rider. man, also. >> amazing. and richard jenkins and patrick wilson. pretty much -- it was a really tough shoot.

but every day we would show up to work pretty much and all of us just like kids would be like rubbing our hands together going we're making a western. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> it was really fun. i had a great time doing it. >> jimmy: then you get to each other which is better. >> no, those are the bad guys, the cannibals. >> jimmy: why are the bad guys always the cannibals? >> got to have cannibalistic bad guys. >> jimmy: you -- last time you were here we showed this clip. i don't know how you got involved in this. because you don't do a ton of like shows and stuff. but you wound up on this crazy spanish language talk show. in the meantime, we found -- we came up with another clip of >> okay. >> jimmy: this clip is so you.

>> jimmy: you look like guillermo with the beer people. >> really, i can't believe that that exists. >> jimmy: has your dad seen this? >> no. no. please don't -- >> jimmy: put this kid on a horse when he was a zygo for nothing. good to see you. do people ever have a movie of "lost"? is that something you would ever do? >> no. >> jimmy: "lost in space" maybe? >> no. nothing with the word "lost." i had a great six years on the show but that story, it wrapped up. >> jimmy: i would like to have a nice like eight years or something like that. maybe it will come back as a sitcom. >> maybe. yeah. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. matthew fox, everybody. "bone tomahawk" opens in theaters, on itunes, and via video on demand friday, october

23rd. 23rd. we'll be right back with byron bowers. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" comedy series is presented by samsung. way back when, in the neighborhoods of new york... the working people, the people who really make this city work-- the beat cops, nurses, teachers, and engineers had affordable health care thanks to an upstart mayor, and a couple of non-profits called ghi and hip-- now called emblemhealth. because emblemhealth believes

so new moms and dads can breathe a little easier, and the young at heart can live healthy and strong. and today, emblemhealth is still doing what it did when it was ghi and hip, setting a national standard with neighborhood care-- not because of some new law, but because looking after your neighbors is just right.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" comedy series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: you may know our next guest from "why? with hannibal burress" and "the eric andre show." if not, you will know him from this. please welcome byron bowers. >> whew! how y'all doing tonight? [ applause ] >> you y'all doing in the back? oh, man. y'all must be like me, huh? feel luke i do. i still don't have no health insurance, you know? i don't. which i should because as a young black man i'm accident-prone according to the police. but health insurance, wasn't a priority to me. you know?

insurance than health insurance. that make sense? like i would rather have applecare than obamacare. because i'm pretty healthy. but if i drop my phone and the screen crack, i'm sick as hell. and obamacare don't cover that. i asked. you know you don't have insurance you got to do stuff differently. you know? it changed my lifestyle. i got to always remain safe. like i pee sitting down more. i ain't scared to admit it. i pee sitting down more. it's better for my knee, eases tension in my lower back. i be sitting down like, wow, this is why women live longer than men, right here. they pee sitting down. it's better for time management. both of my hands are free. i can pee and tweet at the same time. this is brilliant.

are looking at me with their rms crossed, i don't pee sitting down. i'm a man. even when i drop a deuce i pee first and then i turn around. life too short. i ain't got that kind of time. i'm not talking about in a feminine way, you know. when i fully tuck my private parts in and sit og the stool with my knees touching and i'm holding my head up from the bottom just having a real emotional sit-down pee. when i finish i roll up toilet paper and pat myself dry. no, i'm not talking about that. i'm talking about a masculine sit-down pee. my body parts, hanging down towards the water. fist on my cheek thinking about man issues like horsepower and isis and maybe i should put an exhaust on this toilet so when i flush it it sounds like whoo of whoo-woo. when i finish i don't roll up toilet paper and pat myself dry.

and i flush the toilet from the back, shoosh. then i put my chest out because i just had a ganggangsta pee. i sit down and pee like a boss. i grew up in london, in the south, atlanta, georgia. i call it london of the south because it's the south but it's cultured at the same time. like we got museums and stuff, you know? we got a sillcivil rights museum. which is weird to me. you know what i'm saying. i haven't been in. i was scared to go in. i actually stood outside and was thinking about, what's going on inside that civil rights museum. is it a place where people go in and read about what happened in civil rights or people can go in and experience what happened during the civil rights? like it's different rooms set up, one set up like a diner. you go in. sit down, eat your food. somebody come slap it out of your hand. we don't serve your kind here. you're like, oh, snap, baby,

this like the real thing. wow. this ain't bad. i almost was scared for a minute. whow. let's go see what's in the next exhibit. then they walk into the next exhibit. and they go in. they get hit by a water hose from a fire truck. the force is so strong it blows them all of the way into the gift stop where they can buy a dr. king dry-off towel. [ applause ] little baby loofah, martin luther king right there. it absorbs all of it. i was drenched in it. thank y'all.