stress tests my department ran on the nation's 19 largest banks. this was an effort to determine each bank's fiscal soundness, following last september's $700 billion federal bailout. tonight, i would like to reveal to you, the american people, the results of part two of the stress test, the written exam taken by all 19 banks' ceos last saturday. [ light laughter ] initially, my department had planned to give each bank a numerical grade of 1 to 100, 100 being a perfect score. but then we decided that that might unfairly stigmatize banks who scored low on the tests because they followed reckless lending practices or were otherwise not good at banking. [ laughter ] so, we changed to a simple pass/fail system. however, on reflection, a few of us felt that that system was too rigid. so, we changed it once again to pass/pass with an asterisk.

[ laughter ] this seemed less judgmental and more inclusive. eventually at the banks' suggestion, we dropped the asterisk and went with a pass/pass system. [ laughter ] tonight, i'm proud to say that after the written tests were examined, every one of the 19 banks scored a pass. congratulations, banks. [ cheers and applause ] but that's no reason to just rest on our laurels. there's always room for improvement. none of the banks answered all 50 questions correctly, and most got less than half right. one bank in particular, citigroup, seemed to think the whole thing was just a big joke. [ laughter ] shame on you, citigroup. this is a serious matter. i was deeply disappointed with citigroup's attitude towards

this entire project, and frankly, if citigroup weren't too big to fail, i would have failed them. that's how disgusted i was. [ light laughter ] but apart from citigroup, who are a bunch of smart-ass punks, the other banks at least took this test seriously. and since we can all learn from our mistakes, i thought we'd take a moment to look at the most commonly missed questions. number 11 -- "for every 10 million in commercial loans outstanding, a bank should have?" >> the answer we were looking for was "10% cash on hand". jp morgan chase wrote, "knicks tickets." [ laughter ] wells fargo wrote, "gulfstream jet". [ laughter ] and citigroup, of course, wrote, "geithner sucks." [ laughter ] grow up, citigroup. question 23 also stumped several banks. "if federal bank examiners determine your bank to be

undercapitalized, the bank's board of directors should?" goldman sachs wrote, "flee the country." [ laughter ] state street of boston said, "shred documents." [ laughter ] and capital one said, "eliminate eyewitnesses." [ laughter ] actually, none of these is correct. the correct answer is, "issue common stock". now, question 30, which most banks got wrong, really has no one correct answer since it would vary with each bank. we asked, "in the event of a nationwide run on the banks, how much in total cash assets does your bank have on hand to pay depositors?" bank of america wrote, "not enough, that's for sure." [ laughter ] citigroup said, "geithner sucks." and gmac answered, "taxpayer bailout." [ laughter ] as you'll notice, that last answer doesn't make sense, and that's because gmac apparently answered, "taxpayer bailout" to

every one of the 50 questions. although that did turn out to be the right answer to 30 of them. question 41 tripped up a few banks. "given their historic underrepresentation in banking, women should be encouraged to enter the field as long as they are --" obviously, we were looking for, "qualified". morgan stanley wrote, "do-able." [ laughter ] bank of new york mellon said, "immediate family members." and citigroup wrote, "hey, geithner, we've got a job for your mother." [ laughter and applause ] now, i don't know if they're serious about that job or not, but i think my mother would be really pumped. [ light laughter ] finally, what was the most difficult question? apparently, this one from the multiple choice section. "banking executives should be given bonuses for -- a, good

performance. b, mediocre performance. c, poor performance." the correct answer is "a, good performance". surprisingly, all 19 banks got this wrong. [ light laughter ] who knew? well, thank you for your kind attention. together we'll get through this. and live from new york -- it's saturday night! [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: it's "saturday night live." with --

featuring -- musical guest ciara. and your host, justin timberlake. ladies and gentlemen, justin timberlake.

captions paid for by nbc-universal television announcer: ladies and gentlemen, justin timberlake! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, thank you. thank you, thank you. thank you very much. thank you. it is great to be here hosting "saturday night live." [ cheers and applause ] i can't believe i'm hosting for the third time, because -- ♪ the first time that i hosted

the whole thing was a blur ♪ >> i love you. >> i love you, too. [ laughter ] ♪ i was terrified it was quite awry could not believe that it occurred ♪ ♪ but now i'm back at old 8h on familiar ground ♪ ♪ going to make myself comfortable ♪ [ laughter ] >> this is awkward. say hi, to america. >> hey, america. nice to see you again. ♪ because i think i know my way around ♪ >> i love this place. >> hey, justin. >> hey, jason, how are your parents, dan and kathy? >> oh, they're good. >> wasn't their anniversary yesterday? >> oh, yeah, yeah. i forgot, but they loved your flowers and note. >> oh, great, well -- it's the least i could do.

>> good people. >> yeah, they are. ♪ i know my lines i hit my marks i got my blocking down ♪ ♪ tonight i will get the drill ♪ i think i know my way around ♪ >> anything i can help with? >> i'm trying to explain to him i can't have anything with peanut sauce. >> oh, let me help. [ speaking in foreign language ] >> he says there's no peanut sauce, and then i made a dirty joke. >> thanks, justin. >> yeah. ♪ yes, i'm back at "snl" in my favorite town ♪ ♪ and when i can't lend a hand i think i know my way around ♪ >> you the man! >> hey, man. ♪ i think i'm getting the hang of it ♪ ♪ thanks to this great cast they're sweet, they're kind they're generous and their talent kicks ass ♪

♪ i'm supposed to look real sexy but this dress does not feel right ♪ ♪ may i make a small adjustment now you're ready for tonight ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> i lied about the looking sexy thing. i just wanted him to do that. >> yeah. no need to explain. >> yeah, yeah. ♪ since my last time i traveled the world i've grown leaps and bounds ♪ ♪ but now i'm back where i belong i think i know my way around ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ >> it's -- justin. >> justin! >> yeah. [ laughter ]

♪ the third time here hosting the third time is the charm ♪ ♪ number three you'd agree put my all into it you can see ♪ ♪ because i'm back it's a fact the season fantastic ♪ ♪ i watch every host whether home or on the road ♪ ♪ from affleck to phelps franco to rogan malkovich, laurie ♪ ♪ our friend tracy morgan from bradley cooper and neil patrick harris ♪ ♪ mcgraw, zac efron the cute anna faris ♪ ♪ brolin, hamm rosario dawson baldwin, martin dwayne "the rock" johnson ♪ ♪ anne hathaway tina fey ♪ ♪ but now i'm here and i got to say ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> we got a great show tonight. ciara is here. so, stick around. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] hi, mom. >> hey, ben. guess who got arrested? >> who?

>> kevin summerland. >> who? >> you know, calvin sonogram. >> oh, do you mean kiefer sutherland? >> yes, that's it. >> moms, they love us and they take care of us. but the one thing they can't do is remember celebrities' names. [ laughter ] now you don't have to waste hours a day trying to decipher which celebrity your mother's referring to with the new "mom celebrity translator". simply enter the name as pronounced by your mother. >> kite carbinaw. >> then enter whatever vague information your mother knows about this person. >> she's on tv and she's crazy. >> and seconds later you'll have the translation. >> oh! kim kardashian. yeah, she's crazy. >> honey, who do you think is cuter, rabbi renaldo or champ crawdady? >> oh, you mean ryan reynolds or chase crawford. yeah, neither. i like jake gyllenhaal. >> who? >> it even works backwards. >> sorry, joe geronimo. [ laughter ] >> i love joe geronimo. he was so good in "break dance fountain."

>> and the mom celebrity translator even comes with audio play back so moms can hear the right pronunciation. >> keith ragu. >> keanu reeves. >> oh! [ laughter ] >> the mom celebrity translator. look for it wherever mom products are sold. so, ann taylor. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to target. let's see. yard gloves, tomato seeds. fertilizer. hey, pat sajak, i'll solve the puzzle! gardening! [ light laughter ] it's going to be $42.11. >> here you go. >> a $50! [ light laughter ] and it's legit. i get to put this under the tray. >> i'm sorry. i'm in a hurry. >> hey -- you know what fertilizer is, right? >> excuse me? >> it's part dirt and part feces.

it's my job to let you know what you're buying. i just thought you should know you're buying a big bag of feces. [ light laughter ] >> thanks. >> someone left a bag of feces on my doorstep once. it was halloween and they rang the bell. but when i got there, they were gone. but they left their feces bag. they must have forgotten it. [ light laughter ] i put it in my garden. but it didn't help any of my plants. i think because it came from a person. [ laughter ] i'm sure this will work because this manure came from a chicken. wow, i haven't seen anything move that fast since i went to an illegal mouse race. it was a weird, weird night. >> did somebody say weird? >> peg! [ cheers and applause ] >> hey, girlfriend. >> hey. >> so, i strained my neck. >> how did you do that, girlfriend? >> i was pushing a washing machine up a hill when my fashion sandal got caught on a decorative yard cricket. is that not classic peg? [ laughter ]

>> classic peg. >> so, then i tripped and tried to brace myself on the washer lid, but i ended up breaking it off and falling inside. i rolled all way back down the hill inside of it. i mean, i was holding on to the cup that holds the softener, and my legs were clenched around the agitator pole. can you believe it? i mean, is that not just classic peg? [ laughter ] >> so classic. >> so, the next thing i know, i'm peering my head out of the machine, it's 8:00 in the morning and i'm behind the dunkin' doughnuts by the private airport. classic peg. [ light laughter ] >> so, what brings you to target, miss thing? >> two words, potato sticks and karl. i got a date tonight. >> yowza! >> well, you know how i roll. oww! [ laughter ] i'll be right back. >> hi, can i pay for these? >> i forgot my coconut water. just classic peg! [ light laughter ] >> look how long your hair is. i bet if you put it up in a bun it would look like you were wearing a hair- covered kaiser

roll. [ laughter ] let's see, sunscreen, nose plugs. i wear nose plugs around the house when my neighbor cooks broccoli. [ laughter ] what's this? arm floaties? >> yeah, you blow them up with air. they're for my son to help him swim. where're you going? >> excuse me. is this register open? >> yeah, i guess. but the lady just took off. >> is it a white lady that has a haircut that looks like she got bangs that go all the way around her head and never stop. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> do she sound like her voice box is covered in egg. >> that's her. >> yep, i thought so. i'm waiting in the other line. >> i found them. i'm going to blow these up and put them on antique bean cans and fill them with pencils so i can write thank you notes in the tub. [ laughter ] peg, you're back! >> you are never going to believe what happened to me, girl. i was checking my mascara in one of the fish tanks when all of a sudden, i felt this tiny pinch on the edge of my panty band.

i looked around, pushed my slacks down to my ankles and found something crawling on me. it was a black widow spider! >> those are poisonous! >> i know. so, i flicked it on the ground and realized -- get this, it was a half flattened licorice jelly bean -- [ laughter ] so, there i was laughing with my comfort slacks around my ankles by the fish tanks at target. classic peg. then guess who runs into me? my preacher from church. and guess what he said? >> that heaven has a target? >> no. [ laughter ] he didn't say that. classic peg. >> classic peg to the max. >> and look what else i found for my date tonight. [ laughter ] >> satin handcuffs. where are those? >> they're with the bachelorette party stuff. i think it was aisle 12. [ cell phone rings ]

>> this peg. [ laughter ] yes, i did call for a full body waxing except for the neck. yes, it usually takes about three hours with two breaks. yes, i can hop on my scooter and be there in 20. oh, i got to go. my friend's coming back. >> wham, bam, thank you peg. i'm going to put these around the trunks of my indoor palm trees to make sure they grow parallel to one another. >> well, listen, i got to go. i got to get to my waxing. my barbara bush is getting bigger by the minute. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] i call it that because, well, it's white and a bunch of people took pictures of it in the '90s. [ audience groans ] >> tmi, miss girl. >> i'm thinking about making cabbage tacos for us tonight. maybe i better pick up some air freshener. >> how about instead you get a scented candle, we have vanilla and lavender breeze, stress relief. i think there's peppermint in that. [ cheers and applause ]

♪

♪ oh, look, ellis island. the new world is upon us. i can smell it in me nose. >> just think of it, a chance to start a new life for our children. >> and our children's children. >> i someday hope me great-great-grandson might own his own land. >> and i hope my great-great-grandson will be a learned doctor. >> oh, what about you about cornelius timberlake? [ laughter ] what do you hope your great-great-grandson will be like? >> well, i know he'll be very handsome. >> all: oh! >> and -- he'll be a millionaire. >> a millionaire?

from fur trapping? >> from coal? >> no, from popular songs. [ laughter ] >> what sort of songs could make a man millions? >> i don't know. maybe something like -- ♪ cry me a river [ laughter ] >> so, he'll be a girl? >> no! [ laughter ] that's a perfectly normal way for a man to sing. >> all: oh. >> okay, okay. >> okay. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> and he'll be world famous by the age of 16. >> all by 16, how? >> at a young age he'll go to work with a band of boys. [ laughter ] >> like in a sweat shop? >> sort of -- [ light laughter ] sort of like a sweat shop. then i imagine he'll branch out on his own, growing more and more handsome every day. he'll strut about in tiny vests, thin ties and outdated hats. >> oh, that will look dreadful. >> no. on him it will work. [ laughter ] >> that will probably frustrate other men. >> aye, it will.

[ light laughter ] i actually dream of a day when my great-great-grandson will bring sexy back. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> bring sexy back, what does that mean? >> it will be gone. and he'll bring it back. [ laughter ] >> where did it go? >> just trust me, people, and be on board. okay! [ laughter ] >> well, it sounds like he'll have his pick of the ladies. >> aye, indeed. i'd like to think at first he'll date a popular female singer. publicly, they'll claim to be virgins but privately -- he hit it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]

then -- then he'll make love with women so beautiful and so often that it won't be enough for him, and he'll -- i don't know, maybe try some stuff with guys. [ laughter ] whoa, i mean, wait, he'll be straight, but -- well, never mind. forget that part. [ laughter ] everything else will come true, but forget that part. [ laughter ] >> okay. >> fine, fine. >> okay. >> forgotten. >> his life is going to be a nonstop orgy of fame and money. he'll sing, he'll dance, he'll act. he'll even make surprise appearances on a saturday night comedy show. [ light laughter ] there will be great excitement. and then he'll appear again and again, many times a year. >> won't that lessen the excitement, though, each time? >> no, no! [ laughter ] right? it will be good, right? >> oh, it will be good. >> who are you?

>> my name is moisha samberg. [ laughter ] your prediction has inspired me. maybe someday my great-great-grandson will also make songs. >> do you think he'll have a beautiful voice? >> eh -- [ laughter ] he'll have a voice, you know. a fine, workable voice. it will be more about charisma with him. >> oh -- >> aye, aye. >> and maybe in this new land of opportunity, our grandsons will collaborate. >> you know what, jew -- >> there it is. [ laughter ] >> you're all right. to the new world! yeah! [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]

♪ oh, damn what is it dawg i forgot its mother's day ♪ ♪ didn't get a gift for her ♪ ♪ other plans got in the way she'll be so disappointed ♪ ♪ damn i forgot it too ♪ ♪ this could have been avoided ♪ what the hell are we going to do ♪ ♪ my mom's been so alone ever since my daddy left cold ♪ ♪ no one to hold her tight life has put her through the test ♪ ♪ i know just what you mean my mom's been so sad and gray word ♪ ♪ my dad can't satisfy her in the bedroom ever since he passed away hold up ♪ ♪ you thinking what i'm thinking i'm thinking i think it too ♪ ♪ slow up what time's it, dawg it's time for a switcheroo ♪ ♪ we both love our moms women with grown women needs i say we break them out ♪ ♪ show them how much they really mean ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm a mother lover you're a mother lover we should [ bleep ] each other's mothers ♪ ♪ [ bleep ] each other's moms ♪ ♪ you've seen that place where you came out as a baby ♪ ♪ ain't no doubt this

[ bleep ] is crazy [ bleep ] each other's moms ♪ ♪ 'cause every mother's day needs a mother's night ♪ ♪ if doing it is wrong i don't want to be right ♪ ♪ i'm calling on you 'cause i can't do it myself to me you're like a brother ♪ ♪ so be my mother lover ♪ ♪ i'll be waitin' on the couch waiting for your mom clutchin' on this lube and roses ♪ ♪ i got my digital camera i'm going make your mama do a million poses ♪ ♪ they will be so surprised we are so cool and thoughtful can't wait to pork your mom ♪ ♪ i'm gonna be the syrup she can be my waffle ♪ ♪ shout out my mama loves bubble bath with chamomiles ♪ ♪ straight up give it to my mom d-d-d-d-d-doggy style ♪ ♪ this is the perfect plan for a perfect mother's day ♪ ♪ they'll have to rename this one all up under the covers day ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm a mother lover you're a mother lover we should [ bleep ] each other's mothers ♪ ♪ [ bleep ] each other's moms ♪ ♪ you've seen that place where you came out as a baby ♪ ♪ ain't no doubt

this [ bleep ] is crazy [ bleep ] each other's moms ♪ ♪ break it down it would be my honor to be your new stepfather ♪ ♪ it would be my honor to be your new stepfather ♪ ♪ once you're in my mother make me another brother yeah ♪ ♪ when i'm in your mother i'll never use a rubber ♪ ♪ 'cause every mother's day needs a mother's night yeah ♪ ♪ if doing it is wrong i don't want to be right ♪ ♪ i'm calling on you because i can't do it myself ♪ ♪ to me you're like a brother so be my mother's lover ♪ ♪ they blessed us both with the gift of life she brought you in this world so, i'm a sex her right ♪ ♪ this is the second best idea that we ever had ♪ ♪ the choice can be no other ♪ ♪ be my mother lover happy mother's day ♪ [ cheers and applause ] (woman) i'm taking an antidepressant, but i think i might need more help.