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(indistinct conversations) (glasses clinking) (cheering) hey! look at you, miss popular! so are you having a good time over there? as if, and i don't know what idiot stuck me at that table, but every guy over there is just a boring stiff. all of them? what about... jerry? jerry's fun.

you mean mr. fatty hair plugs? oh, yeah, he's a blast. (imitates gunshot) um, how about steve? you know what? i hear his family has money. well, then maybe they could all chip in and buy him some deodorant. i'm through with those losers. i'm gonna stay right here with you. are you gonna eat that? (gasps) hey, look at you! (sighs) god, i hate wearing a tux. on my way in, bree's aunt fern asked me to park the car. she's got glaucoma. to her, you're nothing but a hispanic blur. (chuckles) let me fix your tie. hey, you're wearing mamá's pearls. yeah. oh! hey, julie! have you met my nephew austin? yeah, we've met. i just didn't recognize him with his shirt on.

she couldn't take her eyes off my abs. i felt violated. hi, edie. nice party, huh? it was. perfect. well, it's nice to see you two getting along again. we've sort of turned a corner. really? does that mean you're gonna be gettingack together? maybe. god, no! wow, is that shrimp? what would make you think i would even consider taking you back? well, you invited me to be your date. "guest," carlos. i said "guest." come on, you've been flirting with me since i came in-- "here, baby, let me fix your tie." i mean, for a woman who's not interested, you sure are sending some mixed signals. you want a clear signal? how's this? (band playing jazz music) ian! susan! what are you doing here? well, my--my cousin is--is dr. hodges' dental hygienist,

and her husband-- he--he couldn't join us since he'd come down with a spot of impetigo, so she called me, knowing how much i love a good garter toss, and so-- ian. yes, i-i'm such a terrible liar. i mean, impetigo-- where did that come from? hmm. so what are you really doing here? (sighs) look... i can't stop thinking about us, about how great we could be together, and i think you're making a mistake. ian-- susan, please don't go. can't we at least talk about this? i can't, 'cause i have... bridesmaid stuff. hi there. i just wanted to say you're doing a great job... tad. (chuckles) that's, um, that's such a masculine name. my boyfriend seems to like it. okay, here's the drill. my ex is here, and i wanna piss him off, so just act like you're all hot for me,

and there's a 100 buck tip in it for you. right. uh, so should i... cup your boob? no, i'll drive. (laughing loudly) oh! tequila, straight. hey, are there any decent single women at this wedding? not that i've seen. ah, damn it. not a one. hey, carlos. you should come over to our table. that's where all the hotties are. hey, everyone! i'd say it is time that we get bree and orson up here for their first dance as a marri couple. ladies and gentlemen, i give you mr. and mrs. orson hodge! (playing gershwin's "love is here to stay")

orson, you look so serious. i'm trying to remember my steps. you're upset, aren't you? you're still thinking about what i said at the church. which part, darling-- the "i do" part, or the "did you kill your wife?" part? i'm sorry, but i had to ask. that's my point. you had to ask. (up-tempo jazz music playing) (squealing) you are gonna rot in hell for this. hey, i just brought two lost souls together. okay, how about this? he cheated on my friend. he deserves every bit of... (singsong voice) crazy she's gonna rain down on him.

hell... rot... you. (slow jazz music playing) what are they doing? rounding second and heading for third. uh-oh. carlos! oh, hey, gaby. look, i made a new friend. yes, i've been watching you make your new friend, and it's disgusting! do you mind? we're trying to dance here. who the hell are you, anyway, and why the hell are you at this wedding?! this is not gonna end well. they're just two random people who met at a wedding. can't pin it on me. it was her! lynette scavo, i wanna talk to you! i'll see you at home. what are you thinking? i didn't invite you here

to embarrass me in front of my friends. oh, no, you just wanted me to watch while you sucked the zits off some teenage waiter! that's it. i take my invitation back. you are no longer welcome in my house. fine, i'll go! just give me back the pearls. no! gaby. carlos, no! they were my mamá's! no! (gasps) now look what you've done! mrs. solis! no, carlos! hey, give me that! give me those! pardon me. excuse me. get away! those are mine! no, the hell they are! mrs. solis? not now, xiao-mei! mrs. solis! oh, for god sakes, what?! (liquid splashes) (guests gasp) (woman) are you kidding? i think maybe it's time.

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announcer: there's a full serving of vegetables in every bowl of chef boyardee. it's obviously delicious. secretly nutritious.

and i wish you both a lifetime of happiness.

(rim shot, applause) wow. that was beautiful, aunt fern. thank you. hey, they mopped up all the amniotic fluid, so we should feel safe to start the conga line! (piano starts playing) actually, i'd--i'd like to say a few words. (piano stops playing) bree, orson, your love is an inspiration to us all. that's very sweet. hmm. how do you know him? i thought he was on your side. mnh-mnh. well, i know this is a second wedding for both of you, and i think you're jolly brave. so often, people find excuses not to fall in love again. they're--they're afraid. but it's rare to find somebody that you connect with, so when you do, you have to follow your heart. bree, orson, i salute you. all right, let's get the music cranking and the-- wait, actually, tom, could you just hang on a second?

uh, i-i also would like to say a few words. to bree and orson, uh, yes, what could be better than a second love? and this time you enter into it a little older, little wiser, but also-- and this is key--uh... with a bit of caution. because... while love can be spontaneous and wonderful, it can also be selfish. and sometimes the best thing you can do is just to walk away. uh... i--not you two. i mean, you two crazy kids are great. (laughs) congrats, yeah. well, then, let's-- hang on. i'd like to respond to that toast. bree, orson, sometimes walking away can seem the best choice. it's--it's certainly the safest. but... but what do you do when you find someone who makes you feel joy when you thought you never would again?

do you-- do you just let them go? no. no, i can't do that. (microphone feedback squeaks) you--you wanna... no. i'm good. all right then, let's dance! ♪ well, i thought you might need a change of clothes. you're still mad at me, huh? what were you thinking, setting carlos up with skank?! i'm sorry. i was desperate.

i had a little too much to drink. and you are divorcing carlos... no, lynette, carlos will never be fair game. you know the rules. you're right. you are right. you're right. i'm so sorry. it's just... what? i'm so unhappy. ever since that woman pushed her way into our lives, i-i can't even work up a smile. and the more she pushes, the more i resent tom-- tom, for something he did 12 years ago. and i'm afraid if i can't fix... this, that... the anger is just gonna fester until... lynette, listen to me-- you and tom will survive this. no, seriously, gaby, i am so tired of pretending to smile. you and tom... will survive this. yeah? how can you be so sure? because some marriages were built to last...

and some aren't. trust me, i know the difference. (applause) (both chuckle) i'm looking for bree van de kamp. right over there. could you excuse me for just a minute? mm-hmm. orson, congratulations. excuse me. are you mrs. van de kamp? it's hodge now. yes, i'm terribly sorry to barge in like this, but we need your husband to come down to the morgue. we may have found his wife's body. (grunting) push, xiao-mei. push. (groaning) okay, okay.

deep breaths now. you're getting close. it's time! i can't believe this is happening! i think i'm gonna cry. carlos, i am so sorry about the-- yeah, i--me, too. me, too. i was way out of line. i forgive you. it's worth it when you experience a moment as beautiful as this. (grunting) okay, i can see the head now. oh, get the camera! get the camera! (grunting) oh! (gaby) oh, my god! (baby crying) oh, man, i gotta get the color fixed on this thing.

i gotta get the color fixed on this thing. you'll love it. your old mop will just have to get over it... [ engine rattles ] [ man ] love stinks! ♪ love stinks! ♪ yeah! yeah! [ female announcer ] new swiffer wet jet is redesigned. it cleans deep in corners. its solution penetrates layers of dirt and its absorbent pad locks it away to clean better than a mop. the newly redesigned swiffer wet jet. ♪ love stinks!

closed captioning for desperate housewives is sponsored by: another take? new revlon doubletwist mascara. a revolutionary 2-in-1 applicator that combines a thickening brush with separating combs for massive volume and remarkable definition. new revlon doubletwist mascara. it's worth a double take. how could this have happened? what kind of half-ass fertility clinic are you running? uh, prior to implantation, our embryo was accidentally switched with another client's. so if we got theirs and they got ours, then--then it's possible... no, i'm afraid your embryo didn't take. again, on behalf of the clinic, i am so sorry.

it's rare, but these things do happen. excuse me. you screw up our lives, and the best you can do is, "that's the way the cookie crumbles"?! and who is this guy? why is he writing down everything i say? this is mr. darby, our attorney. we thought it wise to have him present. do you know what else would've been wise? sticking the right baby in the right belly! mrs. solis, please. that's not alma. are you sure? absolutely. thank god.

carolyn. what is she doing here? you didn't honestly think they'd take your word for it, did you? it's not her. well, that's it then. sorry for wasting your time. this means nothing. i'm telling you, that man is as guilty as sin! we know what you think. now would you please leave us alone? he's a cold-blooded killer. he's kind and decent, and nothing you could say will ever make me doubt him again. now please go. you deserve him. i hope to. darling, i am so sorry you had to endure that. are you all right? i'm fine. let's just go back to our guests

and forget any of this ever happened. all right. tu me manques, monique. well... yeah. i feel so... me, too. (chuckles) well, you know what the good news is. what's that? now that there's no baby, it'll make the divorce a lot simpler. yeah, that's something. so...

i'll see you at the mediator's. see you then. (engine starts) have you met the perfect couple... the two soul mates whose love never dies? the two lovers whose relationship is never threatened? the husband and wife who trust each other completely? if you haven't met the perfect couple, let me introduce you. they stand atop a layer of buttercream frosting. the secret of their success?

well, for starters, they don't have to look at each other.

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supplies all the nutrients of a complete breakfast. so kids get the protein and calcium they need to help build strong muscles and healthy bones. carnation instant breakfast essentials. good nutrition from the start. to me, governmentstant breakfast essentials. is basically parents for adults. especially the irs. the irs is like ward and june cleaver, and we're all wally and the beaver. your accountant is eddie haskel, showing you neat tricks to get away with stuff. that's fine unless you get audited. then you don't want some wise guy going, "you have a very lovely office here, sir." because jail is the government's way of sending you to your room. when you meet whitey and lumpy in the joint, there's really going to be something wrong with the beaver. i'm just a skeptic so i don't necessarily believe