about six years ago. you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now. women like skiers. so what? you can't meet anybody. you're going out with susan. yeah, right. see those women over there? i almost dated the tall one. she's in the closet business. closet business? what's the closet business? what is it your business? i'm interested. she reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. she looked into my closet. you thought she looked good and it would be a good way to meet her. yeah. so what happened? she mentioned her boyfriend, then it hit me-- why do i need more closet space? hi, marla. jerry! george, marla. marla. george. jerry, stacy. stacy. jerry. george, stacy. stacy. george. george. jerry.

marla. stacy! so, how was your trip to berlin? trip to berlin? remember? that's why you put off doing the closets. oh, right! right. the wall had just come down. you wanted to be part of the celebration. i did, but watching it on cnn-- they covered it so well-- i thought why knock my brains out? you know, my boyfriend went. really? i told him about you. he got excited and went. did he like it? i don't know. he never came back. anyway we met with nbc about a month ago, and they gave us the green light to write a pilot. we're meeting with them tomorrow. they got to approve the story first. wow. what a great job-- a writer! oh! not a bad way to earn a buck. sounds great. well, i tell you, stacy, it's a lot of hard work,

but it comes fairly easy to me. some people write symphonies. this is my gift. captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television

you going out with her? i might. and susan? what? i'm not married. i can't date somebody else? it depends. on what? many factors. like what? well... how long you been seeing her. what's your phone call frequency? are you on a daily? semi-daily. four--five a week. saturday nights-- you ask or is a date implied? it's implied. she got anything in your medicine cabinet? might be some moisturizer. uh-huh. let me ask you this. is there any tampax in your house?

yeah. well, i'll tell you what you got here. you got yourself a girlfriend. oh, no. are you sure? a girlfriend? i'm looking at a guy on a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on saturday night. do you believe my luck? first time i have a good answer to "what do you do?" i have a girlfriend. you're going to make a very good father someday. it's not fair. it's just not fair. i'm getting out of this thing. break up, but you know what this means? the script, pilot, tv show--all over. why? what do you mean? she's one of the executives at nbc that decides whether they pick up the show. you drop her, think they'll pick us up? oh, right. oh, no, man! it's a very interesting situation. you have a job that could help you get girls, but you also have a relationship.

if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. you see the irony? yeah, yeah, i see the... what--what about this? what if i find some way to break up so she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal? oh, yeah. wait. hear me out. don't dismiss this. you're very quick to dismiss. don't dismiss. she's got a big crush on david letterman. she always talks about him. suppose i go up to david letterman? he works at nbc. i work at nbc. i explain my situation, he agrees to meet her, they go out, fall madly in love, and she dumps me for david letterman. this is your plan? no, no! i'm just thinking. i don't think you are.

let me tell you what i see. be brutal. i have no closet sensitivity. are you fussy about your pants? i don't think i am. i have a radical idea. can you handle it? try me. here's what i'm proposing. we'll eliminate all this-- the hangers, the bar, the shelves-- and in its place install a series of hooks. we'll put everything on hooks. everything? everything-- shirts, pants, sports jackets, pajamas. we can get 80 hooks on here. you're quite mad, you know? [tv plays] oh, i don't believe this. hey, what are you doing? i'm watching the bold and the beautiful. this is not a good time. five minutes. why did you give your tv to george? i've been watching too much. it's an addiction. i couldn't stop! it was destroying my brain cells. but now you're here all the time. well--whoa.

hello. marla, kramer. go out. it's nice out. there's nothing out there for me. there's weather. weather? i don't need weather. weather doesn't do it for me. i'm telling george to return your tv. i don't want it back. you gonna watch the knick game tonight? i don't know. will you tape it? kramer. oh, yeah. you... so your boyfriend never came back from berlin? never came back. you must've been devastated, being left for a wall. well... it was about to end anyway. there was this problem. uh-huh. [intercom buzzes] excuse me one second. yeah? it's me. come on up. it's elaine, just a friend. i don't why she's here now. [intercom buzzes] i'm sorry. what? [elaine] i didn't get it.

so, you were saying there was this problem. well, he wanted me to move in with him. snapple? no, thanks. go on. i wouldn't move in because... yes? well, because... well, because i'm a... virgin. hello! hi. um... marla, elaine. sorry. didn't know you had company. i wanted to return your tape. thanks a lot, two weeks late. cost me $35 to see havana. i'm sorry. i just kept forgetting. i should go. no, no, no. i'm leaving. i like that hair thing. this woman was selling them at this crazy party last night. you'll appreciate this. snapple? no, thanks. i was talking to this guy and happened to throw my purse on the sofa,

and my diaphragm goes flying out. so i just froze, you know? aah! staring at my diaphragm. it was just lying there. this woman who sold me this hair thing grabbed it before he noticed. so big deal, right? so i carry my diaphragm. who doesn't? like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. you never know when you're going to need it. ahh! i should be going. so, uh... we'll talk about the hooks then? yes. what? was it something i said? she's a virgin. she just told me. well, i didn't know. it's not like spotting a toupee. well, you think i should say something?

should i apologize? was i being antivirgin? no, no! i mean... 'cause i'm not antivirgin. i'll be right back. elaine. elaine! [intercom buzzes] yeah? it's george. she's a virgin? a virgin. so what are you going to do? i don't know. i'm attracted to her. that accent is so sexy. i don't think i could do it. they always remember the first time. i don't want to be remembered. i want to be forgotten. you need a little pioneer spirit. see, you don't have any lewis and clark in you. you know, sometimes those guys don't make it back. i'm really hungry. yeah, me, too. i don't want to go to that meeting on an empty stomach. let's get some chinese. then we got to work. let me just see if kramer wants anything. hey, we're ordering chinese food. if you want anything,

let me know what it is and, uh... i'll order it... for you. i'm in. let's go for it. what do you want? i don't care. whatever. let's get a couple of dishes and share. what are you getting? chow fun. what's a chow fun? it's a broad noodle. broad noodle? a big, flat noodle. well, i don't want a big, flat noodle. what noodle do you want? who says i want a noodle? i'm getting the chow fun. you don't have to have any. you can't have my pea pods. fine. get extra msg. look, marla, this whole sex thing is totally overrated. now, the one thing you've got to be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. something happens to their personality. it's really quite astounding.

it's like they committed a crime and want to flee the scene before the police get there. so they just leave? yeah, pretty much. yeah. well, the smart ones start working on the getaway stories during dinner-- how they got to get up early tomorrow. it's always about being up early. they all turn into farmers suddenly. wow. it must be really good to put up with all that. eh. let's go. the meeting's soon. where's the food? what happened to ping? don't worry. he'll be here. with one good story idea, we'll get through this meeting. [intercom buzzes] there's your food. hey, what about this? i'm in a car accident. the motorist is uninsured. you with me? my car's totaled. it's all his fault. he has absolutely no money. there's no way he could pay, so the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.

your butler? right. he cooks my food, cleans my house, does my shopping. that's your program. what about me? don't worry. we'll find something for you. [knock on door] that's the stupidest idea i ever heard. sentenced to be a butler. ping, what happened? there was a bit of an accident. head hurts. head really hurts! what happened? marla and i went for coffee. afterwards i was crossing the street. he was biking towards me. i got out of the way, but he ran into a parked car. something happened to the food? could only save one bag. should i call an ambulance? want to see a doctor? i'll get some ice. the pea pods? all you saved was the pea pods? hey, you got the food? yeah, here. what took so long? ping! kramer. where's yours?

he dropped it. oh, that's too bad. you should slow down. it's dangerous to go fast. i have green light. you jaywalk. are you watching oprah? i did not jaywalk! you're giving him back that tv! i don't want it back. i slap a suit on you! we've got work to do. look. an hour with patrick swayze.

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begin ink discharge. watch tough stains disappear right before your eyes with clorox 2 stain fighter & color booster. see for yourself. lose the stains. keep the color. month and a half, see forwe did nothing. and today we did nothing because elaine apologizes to a virgin, jaywalks, and knocks over a chinese delivery boy. now we'll make fools of ourselves. we got nothing. you're not even in show business. i got a reputation. you'll drag me into the sewer with you. i've been on tv, buddy boy. know how fast word spreads in show business? like that! just like that! one bad impression, you're out of the business!

let's postpone it. let's go. they know we're here. i'll fake an illness. my back! i can't move my back! no, no. would you get up? i could do this, jerry. no. i'll tell them that my sister died. oh, my poor sister died! she was standing on the street and then she was laughing and then they shot her! that's the kind of sick city we're living in. they shoot you for laughing. i must comfort my poor family. take me home so i can comfort my--my poor family. what? that's david letterman. i just saw david letterman. be right back. mr. seinfeld, they're ready for you. yes, i was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star. jerry. hey, jerry! how you doing? nice to see you. rita kierson.

nice to meet you. where's russell? he had to go to l.a. there's a problem on the set at blossom. oh, poor blossom. he asked me to sit in for him. where's george? he's talking to david letterman. david letterman's on the floor? yeah, he just walked by. well, i think we should get started anyway. yeah. good idea. how are you coming along? good, good. we've got a number of ideas. good. have you ever been to a chinese restaurant and they say 5 minutes and you wait 30? well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doing is waiting for the table... because we've all been in that situation. you know, you're waiting and you're hungry

and you bump into somebody you know. when is russell coming back? so that's the idea? well, no. that's one. we have many others. we have an idea where, um... uh...i, um... i get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. and he has to cook for me, clean my house, and he's doing my shopping. and i'm walking around with one of those big neck collars. those collars are funny! you see somebody in one of those collars, you start laughing immediately! you telling them about the butler story? is that beautiful or what? hey, i'm sorry i'm late... russell. i'm rita kierson. ah, rita.

hey, mr. shermack, how are you? good to see you. hi, sweetie. yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful! is that a killer? i thought i was getting the butler. we'll find something for you. so letterman didn't spark to your idea? said there was nothing he could do and i should break the prozacs in half. hold it down. i'm watching jeopardy!. would you give him back the tv? george, susan called a minute ago. they're probably doing somersaults about us. think they get butler stories like that every day? who was joseph cotton? giddyup! hello? hi, it's me, georgie boy. what's going on? what's going on? what's going on? i'll tell you what's going on.

i'm fired! fired? why? because you kissed me! you kissed me, you stupid idiot! rita called russell, and he fired me over the phone. what is pi? ooh, giddyup again. i'm killing 'em. but i didn't-- i had no idea-- i didn't realize... you didn't realize? how could you not realize? you're stupid! you are a stupid, stupid man! i just feel terrible. it's terrible. what is the cha-cha? yes, indeed. i'll speak to you later. this is great! he fired her! this is incredible! he fired her! i'm out, baby! why? because i kissed her in the meeting! russell found out. he fired her by phone. finally my stupidity pays off! what is here come the judge? you can't break up now. her life's shattered. you got her fired. you gotta be there for her.

at least wait until she gets another job. another job?! a couple of interviews. oh, this is unbelievable! i'm stuck! every time i think i'm out, they pull me back in. are you going to want to leave after it's over? you know, if we have sex? what, leave? where? why? you know, the apartment. why would i leave? this is my apartment. what if it was mine? who said i'd want to leave? elaine said men like to leave after it's over. i wouldn't put much stock in anything elaine says about relationships. she comes from a broken home. i mean that literally. a tree fell on the roof. her parents got along beautifully, but the house was in bad shape. maybe i should be going.

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hey, your chicken noodles ringing. ring ring. progresso. hi, may i speak to my oggy please? thank you. i'm sorry, who? my grandma. this is obviously her chicken noodle soup. only hers tastes like this. just put my oggy on the phone. thanks so much. hold one moment please. another person calling for her grandmother. she thinks it's her soup huh? i'm told she's in the garden picking herbs. she is so cute. okay well i'll hold. she's holding. wha? she's holding. tell her its karen. (announcer) progresso. you gotta taste this soup. good choice. only meineke let's you choose your service, choose your savings. like an oil change for just $19.95. meineke. what else did you tell her? nothing. just the straight dope. more like a dope was giving it to her straight. more coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent. there was a lot more i could've told her. what's this about leaving after sex? did i ever leave?

you might've if i had stayed. so, you know what? i got served with papers today. ping is suing me. your virgin's my witness. be nice to her. i was trying to be. look at george. he lucked out, huh? oh, you're not kidding. who'd have figured susan would break up their good thing? yeah. since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying job. yeah, they had a real good thing going. what do i do? well, actually, i'm a writer. in fact, i'm writing a comedy pilot for nbc right now. a sitcom? how can you write that crap? carol, this guy's writing a sitcom! a sitcom? oh, let's go.

a sitcom! can you imagine? and he actually tried to use it to hit on me! captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television

this is another. new total blueberry pomegranate cereal gives you 100% o the daily value of 12 essential vimi andiners. plushe bold new taste of blueberries and pomegranate with crispy whole grain flakes and crunchy oat clusters. total, a truly delicious way to get vitamins and minerals how are you ge0%? vit totaer and t a freeame. me already have breakfast. hey, hey, no "monster" in the kitchen. all right,verybody, take five. remember where we were. robert: oh, cereal. okay, i'm just going to go hit a bucket of balls.

i'll see you later. hey, hey, hey, before you kick up your heels and skip to the car, just at least pour the kids some juice, all right? all right. oh, we're out of orange juice. why is that in there? i put it back in to remind you that we're out of orange juice. i'll get orange juice. no, that's okay, robert. no, no, that's okay. it's not a problem. mom is fully stocked. can i go with you? i'll be back in a second, sweetie. now eat your breakfast, okay? he's great, isn't he? yeah, yeah, he's great. he's my hero. all right, i'll see you later. you won't see the kids later. no? you found a buyer? robert is taking them to the zoo. oh, yeah? oh, well, that's great. he's great.

yeah. that's great. okay, i'll see you guys later.

what? what's going on? you see the kids? look. what? they're eating. look. oh, yeah, it's cute when they do that, huh? what do you mean when they do that? they do this? you know, once in a while. well, why are they doing robert's thing? i don't know. they love him. well, how come i never see them imitating any of my things, which are quirky without being ridiculous? like what? you know, like the face i make when i comb my hair.

and it bothers you that the children haven't taken that up? i'm just saying that if they're going to imitate somebody, then they should aim higher. what, are you threatened by robert? no. hey, kids. hey, guys, what do you say we stop eating like this? but that's the way uncle robert eats. yeah, but what uncle robert didn't tell you was that's how he ruined his face. oh, would you stop? look, watch -- watch how daddy eats. mmm. normal... and if you want to do something after, do this. go ahead. try that. yeah, all right. that's almost -- yeah. got it. oh, robert, thanks.

i shouldn't have told ma you were out of orange juice. she said she might start checking things around here more often. well, someone should check to see if my head is in the oven more often. all right, kids, let's finish up, and then who's ready for the zoo-zoo-zoobily-zoo? all: yay! wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, guys. instead of the zoobily-zoo, how about if daddy takes you to the better zoobery-zoogery zoo? what are you doing? nothing. i'm just thinking that i should take them to the zoo. well, i thought you had golf. well, my children happen to be more important than golf. what are you doing? right now i'm eating in a normal human way, and then the zoo. ray, may i see you in the other room for a moment, please? yes, and i'd like to have a word with you, too, raymond.