why'd you do that? oops. why did you do that? i didn't. you did do it. you just did it. come here, baby. tonight on... we deliver the goods... that'll make a fan out of you... and the horse you rode in on. so grab your friends... and join the club... because we're racing your way... tonight on "america's funniest home videos." and now the man who aced the hosting segment of his sats -- tom bergeron! thank you! thank you very much. how nice. thank you.

thanks. hi, everybody, welcome to the show. great to see you. i was talking to vin di bona -- he's the executive producer of this show -- vin thinks i should have what they call a "signature gesture." you might remember johnny carson had the golf club swing, right? david letterman tosses cards out the window, and if you've been in rush-hour traffic, you have your own signature gesture there. i, uh, i don't mind confessing to you. years ago, i was a mime, and -- i'm in a 12-illusionary step program now, sir. don't worry. but i have some, you know, gestures that i learned there, and a mime is a terrible thing to waste, so i thought i'd -- i'd use some of those. like, you got the, you know, illusionary wall. that could be a signature gesture or the classic pulling against the non-existent rope or -- vin di bona, everybody! [ applause ]

mr. di bona thinks we should go, ahem, right into the clips. ooh! you broke my nose! ooh! you fixed it! a tropical island is a great place to relax and get some relief. i was thinking about coming in myself. you are? well, do you think it would be worthwhile? man: do you want to go with me? come on! come on! tom: finally, a dog sled race where the dogs can relax. woman: good one! tom: while the man in the back runs the engine, the guy in front does the fishing.

many people love the smell of musk, but did you know it has to be carefully extracted from the muskrat? [ vacuum turning on and off ] sometimes, baby needs a diaper change. sometimes, a light dusting. poor jane. she still pines for the old days with tarzan. this is a video show, so i thought i'd teach you a little video terminology. what you're looking at right now is a wide shot. rob, can you give us a medium shot? okay. and, of course, a close-up.

all right. i don't know who whistled, but i owe you 20 bucks. and now let's try the extreme close-up. and now here are some people who are ready for their close-ups, too. some kids just love their close-up. boy: on your left -- on your right, i mean. tom: oh, man, i am going to be so late for my safety class. boy: just kidding! woman: are you all right? yeah, i'm fine. i'm sorry. that's okay. that's completely my fault.

okay, rex, no more cappuccino kibbles for you. [ barking ] sometimes, the quiet is deafening. this is what happens when you use a fisheye lens. man: objects are closer than they appear. boy: okay. okay, do it! tom: okay, i finally decided. i'll take door number two. throughout history, the world has often been divided into two distinct factions. communism vs. capitalism, church vs. state,

oil vs. water, stuffing vs. potatoes. now, it happens here, as videos square off against videos in clip-to-clip combat, in a quaint little segment we call "vs." [ bell rings ] gymnastics always start out strong, and today is no exception. but babies have been here before, and they know how to play this game. oh, i like what i see. it's the double-man handoff. spectacular! but babies just won't be denied. the ducky always scores with the judges. look at this. gymnastics is really piling it on!

but the babies really came to play. it's a race to the finish, folks, and the winner is... join us next week when babies take on kickboxing... on "vs." we've got a lot of things coming up... so don't make us get rough. come on back to "america's funniest home videos." what is that i smell?

i have to have one. no... i don't. research shows that extra helps reduce snack cravings. you're good, you. extra lasts longer than your wavering will power.

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the 17th century philosopher and really smart guy rené descartes said "i think, therefore i am." these people said, "i don't think, therefore i am on 'america's funniest videos.'" okay, fellas, i've had about enough for today. see you later. i'm going to go wait in the car. it's a garbage truck! it's a garbage truck! it's a garbage truck! it's a garbage truck! oh, look, it's a garbage truck! it's a garbage truck! it's a garbage truck!

oh, my goodness! woman: there's the beginning of the toilet paper. david, go ahead of me. let's show where it goes. this is too hysterical. turn on the light. i found the end of the toilet paper. oh, david. tom: it's cool, but it's not rocket science. bird. dog. bird. dog. bird. dog. bird. dog. bird. dog. bird. dog. bird. dog. bird. dog.

bird. dog. bird. dog. man: i'm going to use this to scare my lovely wife tina. she is afraid of almost every bug there is. aah! aah! man: honey, it's me. i did it. brad! you jerk! that's not nice. honey, i was taping you. i'm sorry. honey, i'm sorry! that's not nice at all. ah, yes, it is so difficult to meet that special someone. just when you think you've found them, those little things that were so endearing at the beginning start to drive you crazy. her cute high-pitched laugh starts to sound like a bagpipe in a blender. there's a knowing laugh from some of you.

the way he picks his teeth at dinner makes you want to staple his lips to the table. well, ladies, you can stop looking for mr. right. we've found some bachelors who will solve all of your problems. kenny's got his finger on the pulse of what women want. and when he wants something, he goes after it. he's looking for a girl who doesn't speak english and doesn't want to learn. terrence is a real clotheshorse who once almost met bette midler. in his spare time, he attends supermarket openings. he's looking for a woman with a lint brush or a curling iron. philip hasn't dated in a while... ever, actually. he likes blue, his favorite word is pancake, and he makes decorative candles from his own wax. his dream date will visit him on weekends and help him shop for medical supplies. come on, ladies, don't you want to take a peck out of philip?

[ philip imitating chickens ] kyle is a standup guy whose hobbies include alphabetizing and kabuki theater. he's allergic to shellfish and bees, but eats them anyway. he's looking for a girl who's the female heavyweight champion of the world. stanley's been hurt in the past and is tired of putting up walls. are you that special lady who's going to help find his inner man, or should we just leave him where he is? eric has a bit of a temper, but don't let that scare you. deep down, he's as loveable as he looks. he loves the fact that he tastes like bacon and hopes that this will be the face you wake up to every morning. now, maybe this is just me. the eyeball guy's creepy, right?

no getting around it. he's creepy. but somehow i'm more troubled by the vacuuming guy, not that he's vacuuming in his underpants -- that's fine, done it myself -- it's the suspenders. what's that? i love listening to music in my car with my underpants and suspenders, sailing along the highway at a responsible speed, the music cranked and punctuated by the occasional percussion of a bug splattering against the windscreen. music and cars -- let's face it, they're made to go together. ♪ well, the midnight headlight ♪ find you on a rainy night ♪ steep grade up ahead ♪ slow me down, makin' no time ♪ gotta keep rollin' ♪ those windshield wipers slappin' out a tempo ♪ ♪ keepin' perfect rhythm with the song on the radio ♪ ♪ gotta keep rollin'

♪ ooh ♪ i'm drivin' my life away ♪ lookin' for a better way ♪ for me ♪ ooh ♪ i'm drivin' my life away ♪ lookin' for a sunny day ♪ well, the midnight headlight ♪ find you on a rainy night ♪ steep grade up ahead ♪ slow me down, makin' no time ♪ gotta keep rollin' ♪ ooh ♪ i'm drivin' my life away ♪ lookin' for a better way ♪ for me ♪ ooh ♪ i'm drivin' my life away ♪ lookin' for a sunny day

♪ ooh ♪ i'm drivin' my life away ♪ lookin' for a sunny day join tom bergeron for all the fun and surprises... yes! on "america's funniest home videos". - [horse neighs] - aah!

june 1st, 1991. remember when you were a little kid, you couldn't wait to get older? well, that changes when you grow up. for example, you never hear your grandfather say, "i'm 87 1/2." it's my tribute to dick van dyke's old man. [ imitating old man ] so, anyway... here are a few kids in a real hurry to grow up. here's a kid who wants to be the first minor in the majors. boy: time out. for the next two years, you will not see your mother or your father.

i will be your mother, and i will be your father. you will do as i say! if you are asked a question, you will answer with a loud and clear "yes, sir!" is that understood? [ woman laughing ] is that understood? mommy! there will be no more -- [ child crying ] this kid just can't wait to grow up to be an architect or a demolition expert. he should skip finger painting and go right to anger management. i can't believe... my nice little daughter could beat...

the sun, mercury, venus, earth, mars, jupiter, saturn, uranus, neptune -- it's not "your anus." when i said "your anus" some kids started giggling. giggle, giggle, giggle. some people want to become doctors, lawyers, teachers. some people just want to be famous. they don't care for what, they just want to avoid doing any real work and get a good table at spago. so, here's some folks who can't wait to be famous, and here's their chance. one of the first things you've got to learn is how to make an entrance.

there's a first time for everything! hey, hey, hey, all you guys and gals out there... even when you're working at your day job, you've still got to find a quiet place to practice the talent that's going to make you the idol of millions. [ tchaikovsky's "nutcracker" music playing ] this fella's already on his way to fame and fortune. who else can conduct like that? you can't build a career on looks alone. you need a gimmick to hold their attention.

there is one thing that all of us have in common -- here and all of you watching at home. we have all experienced the miracle of birth firsthand. i don't remember much about my birth. my mom was there. she tells me it was hilarious, actually. truth be told, she says that was the first time that i was a little pain, but we now present you with 8 pounds, 6 ounces of little miracles. i'm guessing it looks more like the father. here's another of nature's miracles. now, would this be part of a litter or a flock? the midwife seems to be doing a good job,

but i think what they really needed was a veterinarian. what is it? what came first -- the chicken or the kitten? that was remarkable. you'll never see anything like that again. you know what the most painful part of childbirth is? the watching it.

you think this is rough, imagine what the baby is going through. [ screaming ] coming up -- dogs who don't bark... and a day at the park... when "america's funniest videos" returns.

( ding )

what is that i smell? i have to have one. no... i don't. research shows that extra helps reduce snack cravings. you're good, you. extra lasts longer than your wavering will power.

as you might expect, we get a lot of tapes sent to us every week. some are good, some are bad, some are... summer -- about summer, i should say. the key to relaxing is doing it by yourself. ahh, the hazy days of summer. man: that's funny stuff, i swear to god. are you ready?

the toughest thing about water skiing -- the takeoff. they seem to be enjoying their afternoon, taking in all the park has to offer. climbing trees and everything. it's true. the park is very relaxing. w-what are you doing? huh? nothing. you keep doing that! we have a rule at our family picnics -- nobody eats until everyone is seated. okay, who's hungry? here's a boat that's so advanced, it practically steers itself.

and summer wouldn't be summer without fireworks. well, that's summer. no, that's summer! as you could see in those clips, most people get on our show because they weren't thinking. well, here's a guy who got on our show for thinking differently, and let his success be an inspiration to all of us. now who hasn't dreamed about being a cowboy? ever dreamed about being a cowboy?

play along, for heaven's sake, huh? yes, mr. host, i have. you get to gallop into town on your trusty steed, save the day, and ride off into the sunset. of course, the movies never mention the saddle sores, or the fact you survive by eating nothing but beans. keep that in mind while you watch these here cowpokes. [ gunshots ] just because you're allergic to horses doesn't mean you can't enjoy the thrill of riding. sure, we know how the west was won... but do you know how it was lost? are you okay? black bart could lick any man in town.

when his tail stops wagging, you better draw. we all know that anywhere a cowboy hangs his hat is home. if you thought having a dog was a great way to meet girls, try getting a horse. and did you ever wonder what cowboys did before the invention of the saddle? ow! every once in a while, scientists give us some good news. it turns out eggs aren't as bad for you as they thought. butter is better than margarine. and did you know that laughter is chock full of vitamins?

so as you watch that -- [ laughing ] see? see? they vitamized themselves, which is a new word. we've actually extended your life by a minute and a half with these clips. you've heard of the boy who was raised by wolves. who knew they had a nice suburban town home? she's not -- she's getting cleaner. nobody likes a good practical joke quite as much as god. you know, there's a place for everything. whoa! excuse me. a place for everything. i just fell on my face. it's all right. that's the problem with hot dogs -- they're mostly water. oh, look at that.

look at that thing. it's scared. it's just looking for someplace safe where no man will find it. that little guy is shaky. it's a good thing they put up a handrail. yeah, i'll give you a hand if you can't make it. oh, she ran up. some people do everything different. what the heck did she do? oh, dear me. when people first get a video camera, they're so excited, they start taping all the mundane tasks they do just for the novelty of seeing themselves on television. have you guys ever done that? yeah. have you really, or are you just playing along?

you're just playing along. okay. of course, if they're lucky -- or should i say unlucky -- their mundane task will go horribly wrong, and everyone will get to see them on television. thanks a lot. we've all done this -- gotten up a little bleary-eyed and tried to get breakfast going without waking the family. there we go. we set now? let's check the flame. how we doing there? oh, shoot. wrong one. wouldn't be good if we got a fire going here. i guess we haven't all done this.

[ alarm beeping ] made a little bit of a mess. good morning. i turned on the wrong burner and lit the newspaper on fire. i'm going to get a little fresh air in here. good morning. approaching, approaching...

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you have probably read that research has shown that on average, attractive people succeed more than unattractive people. it's true in school, their careers, social lives. and i don't have a problem with that since i've gotten where i am today based on having incriminating pictures of the producer. but i think we should look into the inner person, because beauty is only skin deep. one thing about high fashion -- what's in today is gone tomorrow. these girls know that being beautiful

means staying in shape and being limber, because if you don't stretch, you could get hurt. oh, that's victoria's secret. that's the most visible panty line ever. help. help. i can't get out of it. this is why i didn't want to put it on. help! this is what a french poodle looks like before it puts on its makeup.

everybody likes to have a nice manicure, but have a professional do it. thumbs up, mike. give us a thumbs up. unfortunately, when you're beautiful, some people are jealous of your looks, and they'll stop at nothing to try and make you look bad. they'll even get you in the powder room. [ laughing ]

most of us spend years trying to prove that we have what it takes to succeed, that we can march through life with assurance and dignity. then someone with a camcorder catches us on a bad day. if these cars get any smaller, they won't have room for drivers. hey! it's doing better without him. he's enjoying that sucker. he's got nothing but candy on his mind. today he plays on the dock.

tomorrow he visits one. you know when you get the perfect gift and you just can't find the words? aah! oh, my word! aah! my word! oh, my word. oh, my word. oh, my word. oh, my word. oh, my word. oh, my word. you've heard of a pitch and putt. ever heard of a pitch and roll?

jared, your clubs! jared! people don't know, but if a squirrel goes long enough without eating, they'll take down a deer. when bizet's opera "carmen" opened in paris over 100 years ago, he dreamt that one day his music would also be played to a montage of people whacking themselves with piñata sticks. monsieur bizet, dreams -- they really do come true, eh? bon appétit. on your mark, get set, go. [ bizet's "les toreadors" playing ]

the great groucho marx once said he'd never join a club that would have him as a member. that's a shame, because we'd have loved to have had him as a member of this next club, providing he'd send us a videotape that won 10 grand. ladies and gentlemen, the still groucholess and extremely exclusive $10,000 club. woman: here we are, getting a buzz for the summer. hi, chip. you're going to look so handsome. i am? i am? mm-hmm. this is your ballgame today, too, huh? man: oh! [ gasp ] the thing fell off. just a minute, dear.

do you like it? yes, now let's see. the clippers fell off. that's what happened, huh, honey? daddy's really a good hair cutter, but maybe next time we will go to the barber shop. i don't know -- i don't know how many clips we've seen tonight, but only three of them are eligible to win $10,000, and they are... "super scooper," sent in by james yates from ann arbor, michigan. jasmine, come back around here. why'd you do that? why did you do that? i didn't. you did do it. you just did it. come here, baby. "skateboard of education," sent in by art spiegel from atlanta, georgia.

on your left. on your right, i mean. oh, man. i am going to be so late for my safety class. just kidding. yeah, i'm fine. and "breakfast bonfire," sent in by steven and margie norman from seattle, washington. wouldn't be good if we got a fire going here. [ alarm beeping ] good morning. all right, audience. do what you always do at this point in the show.

vote. jess: one of these clips is worth $10,000. will it be "super scooper," "skateboard of education," or "breakfast bonfire"? find out which one when "america's funniest videos" returns.

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(announcer) transform your water. women who drink crystal light drink 20% more water. crystal lit. make a delicious change. the votes have been counted, and here are the results. the second place $3,000 winner is... "breakfast bonfire," sent in by steven and margie norman from seattle, washington. my favorite in that is when you -- "good morning. good morning." "burning the house down, honey." and the winner of the $10,000 and tonight's funniest video is... "super scooper," sent in by james yates from ann arbor, michigan. all right. congratulations. hey, there you go, james. hi, alinia, how are you?

see, david? david, see? you got in trouble that day, but now you got $10,000 for that, right? you'll be throwing snow into everybody's face next winter. now, alinia, you were 4 years old when that happened? is that right, hon? you're 6 now, huh? do you remember what it felt like when your brother nailed you with all that snow? wet. and you know it was an accident, right? it was definitely an accident. a very lucrative accident, as it turns out. congratulations to all of you. not only have you won the $10,000 today, but, you know, if you learn how to drive a snowplow, who knows what you could make? now you're also -- irrespective of that -- eligible for the $100,000 drawing later in the series, okay? so congratulations, david and james and alinia. whoa...whoa... there you go. good for you.

by the way, just a little note now that i'm acting as david's agent, if you live in his neighborhood, next winter you want him to do some shoveling, $10,000 is the going rate, right, david? okay, good enough. as far as shows go, this one is over. how about you go to abc.com, keyword "afv," to see some of our best all-time videos and some that have never been seen on tv before. how's that? keep sending those tapes, because if you get it on tape, you could get it, like david and james and alinia, in cash. good night, everybody. take care.

[captioning made possie by warner bros. domestic television distribution]