e fear is public speaking. number two is death. death is number two. now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

domestic television why can't i play kramer? you're not an actor. neither are you. why have two people in the show that can't act? how hard is it to act? say something. i'll pretend it's funny. my grandmother's in the hospital. your grandmother's in the hospital! this is real believable. you didn't think i was laughing? it stinks. you do it. say something funny. all right... i've never been to mars, but i imagine it's quite lovely. mine was better than that. look!

why are you two pretending to be laughing? we're acting. oh. real good. any word from nbc? no. they're supposed to be casting this week. maybe they're not doing it. let me audition. he wants to play kramer in the pilot. no way. i really appreciate you coming. that's ok. i don't have much time, though, so... all right, first of all, i want to apologize for all the phone calls. it's just--it's just-- i don't understand. we went out once. that was two months ago. i know. i just can't get you out of my mind. ever since that-- that day in that restaurant when... do you, uh, have a ketchup secret? no, not-- russell, you are the president of nbc.

you can have any woman you want. but i want you. god, i hate these mixtures. why don't they just put pretzels out on the table? or even peanuts would be good. i don't know who eats these cheesy things. is it something i said...or did? um... look, russell... you're a very sweet guy, but, um, i got to be honest with you. i don't like television... and that's your world. that's your life. maybe if you were in greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... i mean, come on, russell, you're part of the problem. we're doing some really very interesting things right now. we've got very exciting pilots for next season. we have one with a bright young comedian-- jerry seinfeld.

i've heard of him. he's that... "did you ever notice this? did you ever notice that?" guy. anyway, it's a groundbreaking show. really? what is it about? really, it's very unusual. it's about nothing. what do you mean it's about nothing? for example, what did you do today? um, i got up, um, i went to work, then i came here. there's a show. that's a show. russell, see, i'm really not interested in this stuff, and i do have to go to work. when--when--when are we going to see each other again? sorry, russell. i'm sorry. ok? bye-bye. hello. yeah, he's here. hey! it's for you. he's getting phone calls here now? hello. again with the sweat pants? what? i'm comfortable. you know the message you're sending out with these sweat pants? you're saying, "i give up.

"i can't compete in normal society. "i'm miserable, so i might as well be comfortable." hold on. i got another call. hello. yeah, he'll call you back. who is it? that's nbc. nbc? give me the phone! i'm talking. get off the phone. look, i'll call you back. you know i'm waiting to hear from them. who was it? russell dalrimple's secretary. now you're doing something to help me. hello. yes, jerry seinfeld returning the call. uh-huh. ok, great. thanks a lot. casting tomorrow at nbc. 4:00. we're in business, baby. the pilot's on. you're going to be successful. what if the pilot becomes a series? that would be wonderful. you'll be rich and successful. that's exactly what i'm worried about. god would never let me be successful.

he'd kill me first. you don't believe in god. i do for the bad things. do you hear what you're saying? god isn't out to get you, george. what... what is that on your lip? what? it's like a discoloration. it's white. yes. yes, it's white. why is that white? you'd better get that checked out. better get that checked out? i would. what kind of a therapist are you? i'm scared something terrible will happen, and you look for tumors? i'm trying to help you. are you like a sadist? no matter how bad somebody feels, you make them feel worse. you're rooting for a tumor. i think you'd better go. i'm going! where? right here. get out of here. it's nothing. excuse me. do you see anything on my lip?

yeah. it's like a discoloration. oh, my god. yeah. it's all white. it's all white, jerry. it's all white. would you stop? i'd get that checked out. again with the checked out. i'm not going to the doctor. he might find something. if you go, maybe they'll catch it in time. catch what? whatever it is. you think it's something? i hate these bums with their filthy rags. get away! get away! get away from my car! you know, these squeegee-- oh, my god! it's crazy joe davola. good luck on the pilot, jerry. i think i see it. it's like a white discoloration. what do you think it is? it's like a white discoloration. ok, are we ready to start? where's russell? i thought he was going to be here. i saw him this morning. i said hello.

he walked right past me. he must be worried about the fall schedule. it's a real bear. what's going on? we shoot the pilot, then it's going to be on tv the following week? yeah, right. this is mark matts. he'll be auditioning for the role of george. hey, mark. how are you? they've got to be kidding. this guy's perfect. ok, let's read this. i'll be reading jerry's part. anyone call for vandelay industries? no. why? i told the unemployment office i was close to a job with vandelay industries. i gave them your phone number. so when you answer, you've got to say vandelay industries. i'm vandelay industries? what is that? you're in latex. what do i do with latex? i don't know. you manufacture it. this is michael barth, another george. [all] hi, michael. how you doing? everything all right?

i just came from the podiatrist. i've got gangrene. they'll probably have to amputate. [loud laughter] any questions? what are we looking at here? is he a loser? no, not a loser. let's start with the second scene. you have it? a man gave me a, you know, massage. [laughter] so? well, he had his hands, you know, and, uh, he was, uh-- he was what? uh, he was, you know, he was touching and rubbing. [loud laughter] that's a massage. i think it moved. this is melissa shannon. hi. hi. how you doing? melissa is reading for elaine. it's like a bald convention out there. sorry. i, uh, made a faux pas. no, you didn't. he knows he's bald. how about that guy wearing sweat pants? is that for the part, or does he walk around like that?

ok, shall we start? you know what? i'll read with her. oh, great. oh. all right, want to start? yeah. ok. ahem. what was that look? what look? that look you just gave me. i gave a look? yes. thank you! thank you very much. next we have a kramer. hello. how you doing? hi. how you doing? good. what is this about? levels. levels? yeah. getting rid of all my furniture. i'm building... levels...

with steps... completely carpeted... with pillows. like ancient egypt. how can you be comfortable? oh, i'll be comfortable. very nice. very good. very nice. tom, that was terrific. thank you for coming in. it was a wonderful reading. yeah, really. well, bye. take care. take it easy. i thought he was really good, very funny. yeah, i liked him. what happened to the raisins? yeah, there was a box of raisins there! did he just steal the raisins? you think he stole them? this is martin van nostrand. why are you here? you two know each other? wait. i know you. you're in the calvin klein underwear ads. that's true.

i saw joe dimaggio in dinky doughnuts again, but this time, i went in. oh! uh, where's the bathroom? go down the hall. it's on the right at the very end. yeah. be right back. [groaning] man: sorry, buddy, full house. man: sorry. customers only. woman: hey, you need a ticket.

oh! oh! oh! oh! so who's playing elaine? oh, don't worry about it. very talented young actress. really? who is it? she's an eskimo, actually. oh, god. she was in the iditarod, got to the finish line, just kept going. she's got the dogs with her in the hotel room. listen, was russell at the casting? no, he didn't show up. you know, i'm a little bit worried about him. we had one date two months ago. am i that charming and beautiful? no. no, you're not. why do i keep setting you up? could we get a little more? ever since this new owner took over, the service here is really slow. yeah. have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management? mmm. they're putting lemon in the tuna.

i love that. besides that. look at the waitresses. yeah? what physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them? i mean, look at this. every waitress working here has the same proportions, wouldn't you say? do you think it's a coincidence? no. i haven't seen four women like this together outside of a russ meyer film. excuse me. who does all the hiring of waitresses here? he does. in fact, we're looking for another girl if you know anyone. you know what? that's discriminatory. that is unfair. why should these women have all the advantages? it's not enough they get men's attention? they get all the waitress jobs, too? good-looking men have advantages. you don't see any handsome homeless.

it's right here. it's a little white... oh, yeah, yeah. i've never seen this before. never seen this before? i'll have to take a biopsy on this. a what? a biopsy. a biopsy? yes. cancer? is it cancer? do i have cancer? i don't know what it is.

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and was named an iihs top safety pick. all for just $179 a month. and like all new volkswagens, it comes with 3 years or 36,000 miles of no-charge scheduled carefree maintenance. it's all part of why the jetta is the top-selling german engineered sedan in america. he took a biopsy. what did he say? he didn't know what it was. but when i asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here." that's what i wanted to hear. "cancer? get outta here." maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" personality. how could you be a doctor and not say, "get outta here"? it should be part of medical school training. "cancer? get outta here! "go home! what are you, crazy?

"it's a little test. it's nothing. you're a real nut." told you god would never let me be successful. i never should've written that pilot. the show will be a hit, and i'll be dead because of this. can't you die with some dignity? i can't die with dignity. i have no dignity. i want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. i live my whole life in shame! why die with dignity? hey. what happened to you yesterday? i got mugged. you got mugged? mugged? i wouldn't have minded so much, but i was running home to go to the bathroom. why didn't you use the bathroom in the building? it was full. i tried some other places, but that didn't work. it was an emergency, jerry. i was really percolating... so i decided to run home through the park.

then these two guys, they stopped me. [intercom buzzes] yeah? [elaine] me. come on up. but now i got a big problem, buddy. what is it? i waited so long, i--i missed my chance. you didn't go? no. and now i can't get it back. just don't think about it. how could you not think about it? hi. what's the matter with him? he's a little backed up. oh... elaine. so, i spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop. oh, the sisters. have you seen the waitresses in there lately? never had so much coffee in my life. so we decided i should go over there

and apply for a job myself. apply for a job? what for? because it's discriminatory. it's a coincidence. this is what you're wearing? you won't get it. exactly. [telephone rings] hello. oh, hi. yeah, i guess we could do that. what time? all right, i'll see you there. ok, bye. who's that? tv elaine. she wants to talk about the part. what about the dogs? they're having sex in the hotel room. so, the elaine character is based on someone you know, and she's really your ex-girlfriend. uh-huh, yeah. i want to get to know her from the inside. tell me about her. she's fascinated with greenland. she enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. she loves throwing garbage out the window,

yet she's extremely dainty. how would she eat a hamburger? with her hands. and pasta? also with her hands. seriously... i want to experience everything she's experienced. everything? everything. she cuts pasta with a knife. good. what's her favorite movie? shaft. you got to get me a picture. what about sex? she likes talking during sex. oh... dirty talking? no, just chitchat-- movies, current events, regular stuff. you know, sandi-- elaine. what? call me...elaine. all right... elaine. how does elaine kiss? well-- does she kiss... like this? actually, she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around. like this?

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thanks. i did it to let the judges know that my dog is the right choice. i got the idea from general mills big g cereals. they put a white check on the top of every box to let people know that their cereals have healthy whole grain, and they're the right choice... just like buttercup.

(announcer) general mills is the only leading cereal company to put healthy whole grain in every box. the choice has never been easier. for whole grain guaranteed, just look for the white check. ihop's gone nfl with an all-pro lineup, featuring afc and nfc stuffed french toast. [ grunts ] [ crowd cheering ] i like to eat spaghetti with just a fork. 'cause i can keep the strands long

and slurp it up to my mouth like this. look. [slurps] see? now, sex, i like the bottom. let them do all the work. you should be writing this stuff down. bran flakes...100%. i got a big problem. i'll have a hamburger. that's it. thanks a lot. oh, now, i like to play golf. this stuff doesn't matter to me. i'm doing the character like me, not like you. you got to play him like me. i'm kramer. i'm kramer. whoa. i'm kramer. what can i do for you? i'd like to apply for a waitress job. oh, have you ever waited on tables before? i've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. i've worked all over the city. these, uh, are my references. i'm sure you'll find that i'm more than qualified.

i don't think i need anyone else right now. you're in big trouble, mister, and i mean trouble with a capital "t." what? what did i do? there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. one is bigger than the next. it's like a russ meyer movie. who's russ meyer? oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the seventies with these kinds of women. he's obsessed. he's obsessed with breasts. that's hard to say. anyway, go on. um... there's not much more to tell. he was looking for waitresses. i went in to apply, and he looked me up and down, and he rejected me. paul, come here for a second. i want you to listen to this. hi. hi. woman here claims there's a restaurant on the west side that's only hiring large-breasted women.

really? captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

i've never seen this place so crowded. yeah, ever since marco took over, the food is supposed to be unbelievable. oh, thanks. was that stefania? no. which one is she? amy, you know, maybe we should eat somewhere else.

there's plenty of other restaurants where robert's ex-girlfriends don't work. no, no, no, she took my boyfriend. now she can take my order. yeah, but i just don't get -- oh, my god. how is this so good? this is just a bread stick! you got to taste this. no, no, i'm not going to eat. i want to be thin when i see her. listen, relax. i've seen stefania. she's nothing. you are beautiful. yeah? hello, debra! oh, hello. i am stefania. see? nothing.

you're stefania? si. and you are? i'm amy, robert's other ex-girlfriend. or as i'll be known from now on -- the plain one. you were also roberto's girlfriend? as a matter of fact, pretty much at the same time you were. i was looking at your red wines. which chianti would arrive the soonest? but roberto did not ever speak of you. yeah, he was good like that. if i had known... [ speaking italian ] bastardo! i'm not sure what you said, but i like how it ended. i am so, so sorry to you. you must hate me forever. oh, no, there's no need to apologize.

i'm not really mad at you. that's right. 'cause robert's the problem here. but he's out of both of your lives now. we are both very lucky women. amen to that. hey, mr. fogagnolo, is my pizza ready? is ready when i say is ready. that's a good policy. oh, look, there's my little "bastardo." [ all laughing ] hey. hi, ray. everything, uh, okay? what do you mean? oh, just, you know, just surprised to see you two hobnobbing. actually, we have a lot in common. we both hate your brother. oh, oh, that's nice. hey, did robert ever take you to the movies? uh, yes. that's fun, isn't it?

all his little rules. "shh! no talking! movie! no talking!" yes! "i don't like to share my good 'n' plenty." he is like idiot. hey, hey, hey, that's, uh, that's a little rough, isn't it? now is ready. papa, listen to this. roberto used me to cheat on this nice lady. he tells me he break up with stefania because he no like girls. americans. your brother -- he is no good. bastardo. this one i like.