i wrote ♪ ♪ you might want to sing it note for note ♪ ♪ don't worry ♪ be happy ♪ don't worry, be happy now ♪ ♪ ooh doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ tonight, on "america's funniest home videos"... we'll stop you in your tracks... and pump you up. this isn't a snow job... ...and we promise it won't be a drag. the party's just beginning... so come on in. the water's fine. tonight on "afv." and now, a man who's a shoo-in for the hosting hall of fame, tom bergeron.

thank you! thank you very much. thank you. thank you. greetings, everybody. welcome to the show. as you're probably aware, it's amazing what you can do with these new video cameras. you can add your own titles, do special effects. they even have stereo sound now. charlie chaplin didn't have any of these things in his entire career. all he had to fall back on was...genius, really. luckily, today you don't need genius or even talent, and here's proof. you're watching the fastest way to scrape old wax off your snowboard... and get the wax out of your ears. every once in a while, we like to bring in a ringer. okay, now -- big finish.

just when they got him to stop drinking out of the toilet. hey, look -- it's the new kidnap-yourself kit. aah... you know, a trampoline will last a lot longer if it gets even wear on both sides. could someone help him out, please? oh, yeah -- that's it. squeeze him out. woman: don't make a mess. be awful careful. that's a good boy. you know how to do that, don't you? this is an old family recipe. now we've got to put it in the refrigerator, okay?

grandma's about to pass it down to the next generation. wipe your hands off. better let me do this. oh, gosh. it's so heavy, i might spill it. be careful, kids, or we're gonna drip -- oh! [ laughing ] look what grandma did now! i'll tell you, that's a grandmother who knows how to show a kid a good time, huh? you know, it's true -- dogs are a man's best friend. think about it -- you pay for their meals, they mess up your house, and whenever you do something dumb, your dog is right there to turn up his nose at you. now, if that's not a best friend, i don't know what is. watch. you'll see how your 4-legged friends always seem to appear at just the right time. what this man is doing is called a "2-man job." got it.

oh, and there's the dog. when playing at night, always have a well-lit area so you can see where you're falling. man: you okay? [ laughing ] and there's the dog. the keyword in "inflatable hot tub" -- "inflate." [ laughing ] and there's the dog. always look both ways before crossing the yard. and there's the dog. you know what they say -- three on a hammock is bad luck.

and there -- well, you get the idea. isn't it amazing -- you always see the dog come in. don't you wonder where the cat is? video clips are like politicians -- they have their supporters and their detractors. when trying to decide which clips are best, we could do it like they do in washington -- with mudslinging, backstabbing, and those charming nicknames. but we decided to let the clips do the talking and fight it out amongst themselves in a segment we call "vs." amusement parks rocket out of the gate and jump out to an early lead. [ screaming ]

the pigs counter with their signature circle move. a laugher and a screamer -- that's got to be worth some points. [ laughing ] oh, no. a major miscalculation by pigs. look -- he's gonna blow. you know how the judges love that. but this is spectacular -- he's rolling! rolling! it's a brilliant tactic, but is it enough? and the winner is... [ bell rings ] ...amusement parks! [ both screaming ]

join us next week, when amusement parks take on... mountain bikes! on "vs." you've already got the whole thing about the show -- you saw the mountain bike, you saw the log, you were going, "oh, no!" you were ahead of that clip. bungee jumping looks pretty thrilling. how many here have bungee-jumped? anybody? just a few people -- the very short ones. have you ever wished you could try it without the danger and the crying and the begging to untie you? well, now you can. man: all right, is the brakeman man #2: brakeman's ready. todd's ready. counting. both: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 -- bungee! a-a-a-a-ah! whoo! whoo-hoo!

whoo! [ wind gusting ] there's still plenty of show, so come on back, and bring some friends. "afv" will return in a moment.

keep it performing at its best with benefiber. the clear, tasteless fiber that helps restore your natural digestive balance. while helping rid your body of toxins. that's the beauty of benefiber "afv's" mysterious mysteries of mystery -- freeport, bahamas -- suspect enters witness protection program... buys hat... hat looks good.

pompano beach, florida -- garbage goes on strike, refuses to be collected. sydney, australia -- australian football team washed in hot water, shrinks. australian-rules football still a mystery. hades, ninth circle -- hell freezes over. checks in mail finally arrive. kirkland lake, ontario -- kids warned to stop staring, don't listen. eyes stay like that. tokyo, japan -- uh, nothing new to report. business as usual.

have you ever put on an old pair of pants, you stick your hand in the pocket and find embarrassing stuff you haven't seen in years like your lucky mood ring, a ticket to a christopher cross concert, your missing hamster, freddy? look what i found. the cool thing about mopeds is they're so easy to use, anybody can just hop right on and go. they practically drive themselves. woman: are you okay? [ xylophone playing ] isn't it too cold to play outside? [ music continues ] when he's done, he's gonna make a snow piano.

[ music stops ] who says it has to be sad to spend new year's alone? [ woman laughing ] "sure, go back for seconds at the buffet! what could go wrong?" she says. yeah, sitting outside on a beautiful summer day -- it's a great way to clear your head. [ ennes revving ] man, last place -- if he's gonna make up time, he'd better take a shortcut.

i am sitting here with sade and amber, both of whom have little brothers. do you enjoy having a little brother, amber? most of the time. i'm just glad he doesn't borrow my clothes. yeah, i could imagine you would be. sade, how about you? do you like your little brother? sure. do you like to know where he is all the time? not really. we have found that it's when you don't know where your kid brother is, that's when you have to worry. ♪ 'twas the night before christmas ♪ ♪ and all through the house ♪ not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse ♪ ♪ all the stockings were hung by the chimney with care ♪ ♪ in hopes that st. nicholas would soon be there ♪ ♪ he's bringing lots of toys for girls and boys ♪ ♪ but wait until you see that merry christmas tree ♪

[ laughs ] always end with the bellybutton. at some point, everyone has tried to reinvent themselves. a lot of teenagers dye their hair green, middle-aged guys dye their hair brown. what does a biker do -- trade in his chopper for a station wagon and sensible wool slacks? watch this. you'll see an identity crisis can affect just about anyone. even if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it still thinks it's a dog. let go. let go. man: wake him up. wake him up. [ growling ] dad! [ roaring ] dad, look. boy: look at debbie.

[ laughter ] this poor galoot thinks he's a kitty. wasn't really a problem until he started using the litter box. prince was the town's best duck-hunting dog until he became a pacifist. and this dog thinks he's a 5-year-old child. and not a very bright one. the eskimos have over 3,000 words for "snow." the french have only one word for "montage." i can't, for the life of me, think of what it is.

so bundle up and watch this. ♪ oh, the weather outside is frightful ♪ ♪ but the fire is so delightful ♪ ♪ and since we've no place to go ♪ ♪ let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪ ♪ it doesn't show signs of stopping ♪ ♪ and i've brought some corn for popping ♪ ♪ the lights are turned way down low ♪ ♪ let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪ ♪ when we finally kiss good night ♪ ♪ how i'll hate going out in the storm ♪ ♪ but if you really hold me tight ♪ ♪ all the way home i'll be warm ♪ ♪ the fire is slowly dying ♪ ♪ but, my dear, we're still goodbye-ing ♪ ♪ but as long as you love me so ♪

♪ let it snow ♪ let it snow ♪ let the north winds bluster and blow ♪ ♪ just as long as we're alone here together like so ♪ ♪ let it snow join tom bergeron for all the fun and surprises... yes! on "america's funniest home videos". - [horse neighs] - aah!

i generally don't like to carry a wallet during the show because it's so big and bulky. unfortunately, that means i can't show you pictures of my family. but i have the next best thing -- pictures of other people's families. [ motor running ] you know what he's going to do with that tree? he's going to use the lumber to build a garage for his new car. [ man shouts ] when they're done making toys, santa's elves like making whoopee.

[ farting sound ] [ laughter ] woman: here he comes. don't drop them. hold your hand out flat. oh, yuck! yuck! i hate elephants! [ laughing ] oh, yuck! oh! very fast greens today... and not much of them. oh! man: yeah! [ laughing ] he did it! you can take an animal out of the wild, but it never loses its instinct for foraging.

uh-oh! oh, my goodness! ...squash him. oh! next time, you might want to get a cage. [ growling ] [ both growling ] you know, i don't like to be photographed when i'm having dinner, either. [ growling ] you probably don't need me to tell you this, but hmo's have become so restrictive that, tragically, one of the hottest trends in this country is home dentistry. you should try it. you save money, you finally get to use that drill you got for christmas.

sometimes, as you'll see here, dds stands for "dad's dental strategy." i... i got it right there, and then i pulled really hard. woman: well, maybe it's harder for you. maybe daddy should try. no. man: relax. i'm not going to do anything unless you want me to. how about mommy? boy: mommy's really good. she pulled six of my teeth. she's pretty good. i thought i pulled one of your teeth. no, you didn't pull any of mine. it doesn't -- [ sobs ] woman: you'll get it over with, andy. why don't you let one of us help you? okay, open up so i can get... [ sobs ] okay. okay, 1... 2... 3 -- it's out. woman: hooray! [ screams ]

yes! yeah! yeah! [ screaming ] here. you can hold it, but be very careful. good job! it didn't hurt. i enjoy not only having the studio audience here to laugh along with us and applaud, but also when i feel i lack something as a human being, i turn to members of the audience like sven here. hello, sven. how are you? give it up for sven! [ cheers and applause ] i consider myself a capable enough host. one thing i cannot do -- i can't dance. i'm not a good dancer. when i dance, i get that, you know, dread white man's overbite thing where you do that. it's a scary thing. so, sven, you've agreed to, just kind of for about 10 seconds, show me how it's done. you're dressed to the nines. ladies and gentlemen, teaching me how it's done, the dancing prowess, for 10 seconds, of sven!

take it away, sven. [ dance music plays ] like this? [ cheers and applause ] uh, that's -- that was good. that was... that was noble, and it was very, very brave. thank you. oh, he might be a cpa all week, but come saturday night, it's just dance, dance, dance. shake your moneymaker. it's earning 5.3% interest. with the success of 'nsync and the backstreet boys, everybody's putting together a boy band.

this fella is out to prove that middle-aged, balding guys can't dance as well as anyone. later tonight, he's joining his homeys at the bowling alley. you're gonna see some moves once he gets his dancing shoes out of the car. [ record scratching ] yo, yo, yo! it's grandmaster bust-a-hip! don't run away, we won't bite.

[ dogs barking ] "afv" will return in a moment.

what? okay, ah. verizon's high speed internet and phone package give us more for less - speed, security and online storage! that's the edge our small business needs. tom, look what i found. verizon could help us be more productive within our budget. well done, mary! i know.

boss, i found the perfect solution from verizon... great work tom. (tom) yea, well, you know. tom stole my thunder. i'm a machine. thunderstealer-tom. (announcer) want the perfect solution built for your small business? switch to verizon and get more for less. call the verizon center for customers with disabilities at 800-974-6006 tty/v and for just $79.99, you'll get it all: a dedicated high-speed internet connection from our office to yours, unlimited nationwide calling, 50 gigs of online storage and our award-winning internet security suite. that's high speed internet, phone, storage and security for just $79.99 a month for 12 months with a 3-year contract. call the verizon center for customers with disabilities at 800-974-6006 tty/v today and switch to the complete solution built for your small business. on this day in "afv" history... april 19, 1996 --

ready? man: yeah. [ all screaming ] [ screaming ] every generation hates their parents' music, and parents tend to hate their kids' music. it's not right. we want to do something about it to bring the generations together. so here's some music we can all hate. you're about to hear the best sound that ever came from an accordion. aah! ooh. [ singing indistinctly ] do i hear grandma, or do i hear grammy? man: rock 'n' roll, grandma. [ playing up-tempo boogie-woogie ]

[ singing indistinctly ] "etc '94" -- yeah, they sing and what else? ♪ these are the ninja turtles ♪ she don't wear no girdle ♪ he ain't got a big muscle ♪ but i'm the one that's doin' the hustle ♪ ♪ for $10,000 ♪ it sure makes you holler ♪ ooh ch-boop boop-boop-boop boop boop ♪ [ playing extended high note ] [ note fades, stops ] [ applause ] a lot of rock stars today, they have one big hit... man: look behind you! ...and then they disappear.

i used to collect comic books as a kid, and one thing i never understood about superheroes is what's with the bad costumes? i mean, think about it -- tights. if you're going to fight ballet dancers, i understand, but to fight crime, no. and a cape -- it's bulky, it's hot, where do you keep your keys? here are some superheroes who got more than the costume wrong. look -- down the road -- it's a deliveryman... it's a paperboy it's the peddler! [ crowd cheering ] faster than a calico, more powerful than a siamese, able to clean himself in a single lick -- it's captain kitty! crime fighting can be a dirty business, but not for tighty whitey! he's got a heart of gold and buns of steel.

the swinging sisters are nearly invincible. their only weakness -- terry cloth. girl: are you okay, superman? superman has kryptonite. there's only one thing that saps the lumberjack's strength -- the knotty pine. america -- the home of the brave. we're always hearing about acts of heroism -- the guy who rescued a kitten or pulled a family from a burning building. nobody ever talks about cowards -- the heart surgeon who faints at the sight of blood, the cop who gives you his gun so you can check out that noise for yourself. without cowards, there'd be no one for the heroes to rescue. so all you yellow-bellies, come on out from behind the couch. here's something just for you. [ dogs barking ]

it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight the dog. [ both crying ] these kids hate taking a bath so much, they don't even like it when the car gets one. woman: hey, it's gone. it's gone. we're in the car wash, and maggie and reese are crying. i don't know why they're crying. the brushes are outside. [ both crying ] oh, come on. [ cows mooing ]

what is this, beef or chicken? i like my meat to go. mom! mom! man: what's the matter? what is it? there's a snake! what? daddy! snake! there's a snake? show daddy. what is it? snake? where? [ screams ] where? what's that? a snake! [ screams ] it's a snake? mommy! man: he's right over there to the right a little ways.

gayle's going out to feed the bear. who said she's a chicken? feeding wild bears -- stupid. feeding them in front of a practical joker -- stupider. [ banging ] [ screams ] [ laughter ] left to their own devices, some kids could eat candy all day. but under proper supervision, sometimes one piece of candy can last all day. dad? yeah? could i eat this? well...i don't know, bob. could i? did you eat all your dinner? did you eat all your lunch? did you eat all your breakfast? did you eat all the dog food? you didn't eat all the dog food? you should eat all the dog food first before you eat candy.

dad, dog food is not good for people. it's not? no. before you eat the candy, though, i have a question. do you want me to ask you the question first? yeah. okay, here's my question -- don't put it in your mouth yet. do you think that candy's going to taste good? yeah. how good? tell me how good it's going to taste. a lot. real a lot good? yeah. is it going to be the best piece of candy you've ever had? yeah. how do you know that? i'm going to just eat it. when are you going to eat it, though? right now. i have one more question to ask you, okay? okay. do you think you should share with your sister? she already got some. do you think you should share it with your mom? no, 'cause she always -- she doesn't get any. well, go ahead and eat it. before you do, though, i got one more question. what? who's your best buddy?

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what is that i smell? i have to have one. no... i don't. research shows that extra helps reduce snack cravings. you're good, you. extra lasts longer than your wavering will power.

(announcer) transform your water. women who drink crystal light drink 20% more water. crystal lit. make a delicious change as you know, it's impossible to determine the vector and location of a subatomic particle because when you take its picture, the camera alters the direction of that particle. i know what you're saying -- "we all know the heisenberg uncertainty principle, tom.

what's your point?" my point is people fall down in front of cameras. sometimes you can tell a lot about a couple from their subtle body language. ah, young love. sure, wiener dogs are good for push-ups, but for abs, you need a rottweiler. 1... 2... 3... 4... oh, look -- it's 5:00. woman: ithaca is stuck in the chair, and we're -- and daddy's trying to remove him. who do you call when this happens,

a fireman or a furniture salesman? ithaca, how in the world did you do this? boy: he was putting his legs through. it's 11:00 p.m.? they should just call it a night and try again in the morning. [ laughing ] [ grunting ] yay! yay! [ crowd cheering ] you're...out, and i'm out of shape. eric's got excellent ball control, just not in bowling.

even in the animal kingdom, there's a code of ethics. cats never take cars for joy rides. cows never swindle anyone in junk bonds. still, there's always a few bad beasts who live on the edge, some animals who play by a different set of rules. look -- it's old yeller... and young yeller. ooh! the amazing thing -- that arrow was straight when he started scratching. now it's curvy road ahead, bear right. when it comes to pet doors, it's location, location, location.

you know what a kangaroo really keeps in its pouch? attitude. man: franklin, you had to pee, huh? yeah. i read somewhere that a dog is 98% water. he's still going. holy mackerel! is he still going? he's still going. look. he's still going. good boy! still going. i felt relieved just watching that. the only way you can get into some of the fancier clubs

is by sneaking through the kitchen. but how much fun can you have when you've been washing dishes all night? tonight we can hold our heads up high and walk through the front door of the ultra-exclusive "afv" $10,000 club. boy: ready! [ girls shouting ] [ girls singing ] [ shouts ] [ girls shouting ] ow!

woman: oh! oh, steve! what are you doing?! you're on top of that, aren't you? oh, my god. you are so lucky that did not fall on you. it's bad luck in the theater to wish someone good luck. if you want them to have a good show, you say "break a leg." if you want them to have a great show, you tell them to break every bone in their body. theater lovers, join me in my private box. it is showtime. [ light music plays ]

in a perfect world, every clip would be nominated. but in reality, there's only room for three nominees, and they are... "something fishy," sent in by michael teague from spokane, washington... ♪ you might want to sing it note for note ♪ ♪ don't worry ♪ be happy ♪ don't worry... ..."oh, brother, where art thou?" sent in by tom harbick from kenai, alaska... ♪ he's bringing lots of toys for girls and boys ♪ ♪ but wait until you see that merry christmas tree ♪ ...and "to tell the tooth,"

sent in by beth and sean kerrick from puyallup, washington. okay, 1... 2... 3 -- it's out. woman: hooray! [ screams ] yes! yeah! yeah! all right, audience, people in dictatorships never get to vote for their favorite clips, so enjoy your freedom -- give it a vote. there can only be one winner. will it be "something fishy"... ..."oh, brother, where art thou"... ...or "tell the tooth"? we'll find out when "afv" returns. don't go away.

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the second-place, $3,000 winner is... "oh, brother, where art thou?" sent in by tom harbick from kenai, alaska. and the winner of the $10,000 and tonight's funniest video is... "tell the tooth," sent in by beth and sean kerrick

from puyallup, washington. [ cheers and applause ] all right, shawn, andy, congratulations. beth, congratulations. all right, close-up here, andy. america wants to see the smile. show some teeth or lack of -- oh, there we go. very nice. now, i understand -- where's the one that you, i hear, pulled yourself yesterday? where's that hole? right here. right there. congratulations. yeah, give it up for that. [ applause ] he's doing it himself. are you just pulling teeth like crazy now, is that what you're doing? yeah. and you had to be a little nervous, as a dad, pulling that out at the same time. he'd been trying to get it out for quite a while. we wanted to make sure it wasn't something that was traumatic. well, andy, guess what. that tooth was worth $10,000.

so congratulations to you and your parents. beth, thanks for coming. congratulations. and you're also eligible for our $100,000 prize later on in the season. but for that, you'll have to take all the rest of them out. congratulations again. good for you. [ applause ] okay, the show is over, but that doesn't mean you have to stop watching. just go to abc.com, keyword "afv," to see some of our best videos of all time and some that have never aired on tv before. and remember, keep sending those tapes, because if you get it on tape, you could get it in cash. good night, everybody.

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