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halloween. am i right? something nasty always goes down on halloween. really. what went down last halloween? nothing. the one before that? it's a new tradition. halloween. oh. i know this store. it used to be called mccabes. i grew up four blocks away. after school, all the kids would hang out right here in the parking lot drinking sodas and listening to music. that sounds like fun. oh, yeah. it was a lot of fun. i used to stand over there across the street. i had a perfect view. good times. good times. (stottlemeyer) hey, monk. thanks for coming. uh, it's kind of ugly. the driver stopped around 1:15 for lunch. he's on his way back to the truck when the shooter came up, grabbed his gun. shoots him four, maybe five times point blank range.

but he keeps shooting him even after the guy went down. oh my god. was he married? i don't know. any kids? i don't know, natalie. i just got here myself. with his own gun? there must've been witnesses. yeah, a few people from the store. caucasian. dark hair. maybe a blue sweater or jacket. we're going to question them again. how much did he get? the truck is empty. that's all i know. hey, get out of there. go. [claps hands] ho ho. get! i hate pigeons. like rats with wings. there's no defensive wounds. was there a struggle? how did--how did this guy get the gun? that's a good question. the m.e.'s gonna be here in a minute. we can ask him. what's this? this hasn't been here long. it's clean.

that's a clove cigarette. they make them in indonesia. people use them to try to quit smoking. they don't work. driver's? the driver has his own. [cell phone rings] i'm thinking it's the shooter's. well, run that down. every store that sells those. hello. no, sharona's not here anymore. uh, about a year ago. well, i don't know what happened. she moved to new jersey. sir, i don't know what happened. you'd have to ask her. who is this? mr. monk, it's your brother. ambrose? i can't. i, uh-- tell him i'll call him back. tell him i'm busy. your father called. my father? he's coming home.

see? you can trick-or-treat here. i'll go with you. oh, fun. trick-or-treating with your mom. she's at that impossible age, between 11 and 25. what? you okay? what do i say to him after all these years? you say, "hello, dad. i missed you." no. no, i can't say that. why did he leave just like that? it was my fault. i drove him crazy. he said that. no. then how do you know? i-i-i know. i-i just know. mr. monk, you can't blame yourself.

you wanna bet? julie, okay, be nice, okay? remember what we talked about? mr. monk's brother's ill. he's agoraphobic. i know. he never leaves his house. he left once. once in 34 years. at least he left. well, the house was on fire. i had to drag him out. [knocks on door] adrian. you talked to him? i told you he'd be back. he's in town on a business trip. he said he'd be here at 8:00 sharp. you gave up. but i never gave up. i never gave up. nev-- are you trick-or-treating? no. no. this is natalie, my new assistant. you spoke on the phone. enchanter de vous rencontrer. i'm ambrose monk, adrian's brother. ambrose monk. yes, i know. very nice to meet you, ambrose.

yes. uh... this is my daughter, julie. i like your costume. you're a cardiologist. i'm a doctor. no. you're a cardiologist. you see, that stethoscope has a built-in concave amplifier. it's called a stethron. cardiologists use it to listen for heart murmurs. guess i'm a cardiologist. it's all right. i made a mistake once. come--come in. wow. this is spooky. do you do this every year for halloween? do what? um, nothing. all these instruction manuals. yes, ambrose wrote them. that's what he does. wow, ambrose, you must be pretty handy around the house. yeah, you should've been there when we were putting together my malibu jenny bungalow. it took my mom five hours. i'm not surprised. mike gordon wrote that one.

he's a hack. the man can't tell the difference between a 3/4 inch retaining screw and a half inch lag bolt. i'm not kidding. he actually made that mistake. still can't believe he niz-em what? national society of instruction manual writers. oh. right. i've won five of them. can we see one? no. they're not here. they won't mail them. well, at least you won them. that's the important thing. [knock on door] it's the door. ambrose. [knock on door] the door. 'scuse me. trick-or-treat! trick-or-treat! wait. wait. not yet. trick-or-treat. i've accepted your terms, which means we now have an implied contract. by accepting this treat, you are in effect promising to refrain from committing any tricks against me or this property

now or in the future. are there any questions? yeah. do you have any peanut chews? there's only what's in the bowl. now, one per customer, all right? better? oh, yeah. it was cluttered before. (ambrose) what are you doing? you--you can't go in there. you cannot go in there. i--i'm sorry. i-i didn't know. what's going on? that--that is-- that's dad's study. we're--we're--we're not allowed in there. not allowed? yes. they caught me in there once when i was 12. what happened, ambrose? he grounded me.

for 30 years? it's all right, julie. ambrose... what's the big deal? we'll just take a look around. we're adults, right? you go in there, i will tell. you better not. i will! i--i--i'm telling. well, then i'm telling him about the shaving kit. don't! adrian, don't go in there. it has to be exactly the way he left it. it's daddy's study. okay. okay. i'm not going in. [doorbell rings] excuse me, natalie, uh, julie. i have trick-or-treaters. sorry. [knocking] [growling] how old are you?

[growling] 'cause i have a rule-- no one older than 14. only one per customer. what are you doing? only one per customer. did you hear what i said? no. no, only one per customer. (natalie) get out of here! hey! [growling] get out of here! (monk) hey! hey! ambrose, are you okay? ambrose, can you move? did he get more than one piece?

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write down frankenstein. no, it wasn't frankenstein. it was frankenstein's monster. frankenstein is the name of the scientist who created the monster. it doesn't really matter. captain, you can't just say frankenstein, it'll confuse everybody. [mouths words silently] okay, write down frankenstein's monster. (natalie) i saw the guy running south towards the park. maybe he's there. look, it's probably just some high school kid with the munchies. i don't think so. he was wearing dress shoes. they were italian. forzieris. you noticed that, right? i'm not familiar... they're imported. they cost about $420 a pair. it's not exactly something a high school kid with munchies would be wearing. okay, it was a rich high school kid with the munchies. look, i'm really sorry that your candy got spilled, but this isn't a priority for us right now. you might have heard that there was an armored car driver shot just down the street. right. right. how is that going? uh, nothing yet. but get this. the driver was off duty. the truck was empty from the start. it was empty?

(stottlemeyer) yeah, i guess the shooter didn't do his homework. anyway, we're off to question the cashier at the grocery store. do you want to come? i could use the help. i can't. my father. oh, yeah. i understand. i hope that goes well for you. i'll call you tomorrow. come on, lieutenant. what are you doing, lieutenant? oh, i'm just-- sorry, you can't take that. i don't have any extra. it's just candy. i know how much i need. every year, i have it down to a science based on current weather conditions, recent census data, and the demand from previous halloweens. last year, i ended up with just one extra candy bar. well, ambrose, that's, um... that's very... i don't know what the hell that is. come on, lieutenant, i'll buy you a snickers bar.

adrian, could i-- could i talk to you? yeah, one second. it's important. what? out here. stop it. stop. sorry. all right, this way. oh, no. so nobody can hear what we're doing. it's a little dusty. all right, come on. come on. [trips] ah! oh, god.

okay. ssh. [whispering] okay. okay. are you and natalie... what? involved? what? no. no. no. no. why--why would you even ask me that? well, it's been eight years since trudy. exactly! it's only been eight years. you're a widower. she's a widow. and i know how you are with the ladies. i remember, in high school, those girls calling you on the phone, talking to you on the phone, complimenting you, huh? ambrose... those were my teachers. so? what about mrs. flagan? yeah? natalie works for me. strictly professional, okay?

is she seeing anybody else? why? why? no reason. [doorbell rings] (kids) trick-or-treat! oh, you guys look amazing. i love it. here you go. hey, julie. hey, frankie. frankie's in my homeroom. so have you gone trick-or-treating yet? if not, you can come with us. please, mom? okay. be back by 8:00. stick together. you guys stay on this side of the freeway, all right? here's my cell phone. and don't eat anything until i inspect it! bye, mom.

(stottlemeyer) good job. thank you. and you've never seen this guy before? in the store? hanging around the parking lot? i don't think so. but i see a lot of faces. sure. it looks like kiefer sutherland. yeah, i guess it does. it wasn't kiefer sutherland, was it? no, sir. here's a receipt. this is from your cash register. this is him, right? mm-hmm. eight items at 89 cents. yes, sir. eight candy bars. eight candy bars? it really looks like kiefer sutherland. you know, maybe we should-- before we distribute it-- write across the bottom "not kiefer sutherland" just so that we don't disturb mr. sutherland. that's a really good idea. you think so? no. let's do this again. so he pays you, then he walks out. a minute later, you hear shots. you run to the window and see this guy shooting the driver.

yes. and then he looks in the back of the truck, sees it's empty, and he takes off. no, sir. he never looked in the back of the truck. really. [kids talking and shouting] [kids screaming] what's he doing? you'll see. ssh.

is he drunk? no, he's thinking. okay. now, he must have been following you all quite a while. can anybody tell me which way he ran off? he went that way. i saw him turn left on hamilton street. uh-huh. you sure you weren't hallucinating? mr. monk, he's 11 years old. he's not a real hippie. i got mine stolen too. about 20 minutes ago. mine too. okay, i want all of you who had your candy stolen by frankenstein to stand over here and the others stand over here. let's go. here. all right, here. you here. and you others. good. so why you... but not you? and why you... but not you? maybe he's afraid of karate.

ha! oh. or maybe he's afraid of pirates. no, that's just stupid. how many of you stopped by my brother's house? the big gray house near the end of oakview? you mean where the special man lives who never comes out? yeah. that's right. where the special man lives. how many... he's only taking candy from kids who went to ambrose's house? what's going on? i don't know. i don't know. wait a minute. (natalie) what? no. (natalie) what? no. it's a clove cigarette. like the one at the murder scene.

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who was it this time dracula? the werewolf. no, no. it was frankenstein. (all) frankenstein's monster. well, there's just no stopping that crazy creature. he wants candy. and not just any candy. he wants your candy. that's right, he's only interested in candy from this house. you know, i can't help but wonder why. the answer is here. it is right in front of us. and you're saying that this is somehow connected to the armored car thing. i-i bought all this candy at beach's market. they deliver. and that's where the driver was killed, right? plus, i found this where the kids were attacked. it's a clove cigarette.

actually, i researched these. they're common. 150 stores in this area sell them. okay, you're saying that there is a connection. i'm here. convince me. why would a killer who every cop in this city is looking for, hang around to steal candy from children? we don't know. you don't know. can i go trick-or-treating or not? no, not tonight, sweetie. you promised. i only got to go a little bit. honey, there is a nut out there. the only way you can go now is with a police escort. lieutenant disher. hmm? come trick-or-treating with me. or. i don't, uh... can i? no. adrian, why don't you go with her? what? natalie can stay here with me.

and help me get ready. that is such a good idea. right? it's not much of a costume, is it? sure, it is. i'm a safety patrol officer. hey! hey! wait! cross at the green, not in-between! it's amazing it still fits you. when was the last time you wore it? third grade? college. oh, i found some pictures. i hope you don't mind. no. no. [sniffs] is that your father? oh, that's him and ambrose. he named the turtle after you? he named me after the turtle.

oh, ambrose. [laughs] oh, i like this one. you look so happy. mom was worried about us because we never laughed. so she made us practice. that's us practicing. so now i can laugh... [chuckles weakly] if i have to. what about this one? that was taken the day before he left. he left because of me. i was driving him crazy. clinging to him. i was too needy. mr. monk says it was because of him. nah, he's just saying that to make me feel better. it was me. it was me.

(julie) gilstrap. that's a funny name. yeah. what time is it? um, ten to 8:00. we gotta get home after this. no. just a couple more houses. [knocks on door] trick-or-treat. trick-or-treat. hello. we have a doctor in the house. i'm a cardiologist. and you're a safety boy. i'm a safety patrol officer. well, i think you both look wonderful. no, thanks. i'm allergic. to chocolate? no, ma'am. i'm allergic to food that's been sitting in a bowl all night and that other people have been touching. oh, well, i love chocolate. i have to have a neptune bar every night before i go to bed or i can't sleep. well, i guess we all have our little quirks, don't we? i suppose we do. well, thank you very much. be careful crossing the street.

i guess i don't have to tell you that. maybe it's fast. it's one of the most accurate clocks in the world. i wrote the manual for it. they'll be here. natalie... could i ask you something? mmm. would you ever, uh... consider... going out with someone like me or to be more specific, me? of course, we can't actually go out. i mean, we can't go outside. but we can go anywhere else.

thank you, ambrose. thank you. but it's... it's complicated. okay. i understand. withdrawn. i never said it. it never happened. i'll--i'll get the ice. my father likes a lot of ice. i remember he--he used to like clink it. ambrose... sit down. please. i can't go out with you because... i work for your brother. you know, it would just get messy. you can understand that. yeah. but if i ever have another job someday, i hope you'll ask me again. really? mm-hmm. so you're not saying no?

that's like a... a maybe. you're saying maybe. i'm saying maybe. can i tell my father? that we--we might have a date someday? sure. i think he'd like that. oh, my-- what is it? did you bring your mom's cell phone? (stottlemeyer) hey, monk. i hope that's your costume. i'm a safety patrol officer. good for you. so what's so important?

(disher) what'd they get this time? three musketeers. milky way. it's a pigeon. well, does he look familiar? does he look familiar? take a closer look. at the murder scene, you kept shooing it away. this is that same pigeon. monk, you've had a tough night. captain, this is the same pigeon. i remember it had five little brown spots on its back because i remember thinking that it reminded me of the constellation cassiopeia. look. you see it? look. okay. okay. you see? okay. it's the same pigeon. so what? remember? it was eating something, from right near the victim's hand. and now, five hours later... it's dead. i think it's been poisoned. you want me to do an autopsy on the pigeon.

yeah. why? what would that mean? i don't know. but it would mean something. it would be another piece of the puzzle. okey-dokey. give me the pigeon. lieutenant, get that to the lab. [car starts] thanks. happy halloween.

he's not coming. he'll be here. why would--why would he call and not show up? because that's what he does. we're better off. don't say that. [slams table] don't say that! we're better off! don't you say that. don't you dare say that. thought you said you didn't have any extra. i don't care. it's my candy. you know what your problem is? you have never learned to wait. never! what's going on?

what are you doing? cleaning out his study. oh, god, it's so dusty. is it? mr. monk. [cell phone rings] hello. yes, sir. mr. monk. it's--it's the captain. hello! (stottlemeyer) you were right about the pigeon. the bird was poisoned. i had them go back and do a tox scan on the armored car driver. turns out he had been poisoned too before he was shot. the poison was called... tetrachlorodrine. tetrachlorodrine. very deadly. stronger than arsenic. it's stronger than arsenic. it came straight from the lab. it hadn't even been diluted yet. and get this. we just talked to the plant manager here. turns out some of the stuff had been stolen. they didn't realize it until today 'cause they caught the guy trying to put it back. wait. wait. he was putting it back? yeah, they had to let him go.

he denied anything and they didn't have any evidence. the guy's name is... gilstrap. gilstrap. he worked here part time fixing computers. gilstrap? paul gilstrap? ambrose! ambrose, don't eat the candy! i paid for it. no, spit it out. spit it out. it could be poisoned? what? that's what this whole thing has been about. it's been spiked with tetrachlorodrine. is there a neptune bar in here? not anymore there isn't. oh, my god! natalie, call 9-1-1. my god! thought it tasted funny. tetrachlorodrine? the guy down the street was trying to kill his wife. it's too late. don't say that. don't say that. just get up. get up now. natalie, help me. adrian. adrian. tetrachlorodrine is a synthetic insecticide. natalie, help me! there is no antidote. i'll be dead in five minutes.

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[alarm] adrian. i'm right here. i'm right here. tell me who did this. ssh. it doesn't matter. it matters to me. i don't want to die without knowing. ssh. tell me, adrian. okay. here's what happened... his name is paul gilstrap. he wanted to kill his wife. he worked in a laboratory where they made tetrachlorodrine. a few days ago, he snuck in there and he stole some of it.

i met his wife when i went trick-or-treating with julie. and she said that she ate a neptune bar every night before bed. (ambrose) oh. (monk) gilstrap poisoned her candy. but he couldn't poison just one. he wanted to make it look like there was a serial killer on the loose, so he had to poison a lot of other candy bars. put them back into circulation. so his wife would just be another victim. that's right. it's a good plan. ian) but he made a mistake. he got caught trying to put the poison back. (ambrose) ruined everything. (adrian) that's right. it ruined everything. because now if his wife or anyone else died from tetrachlorodrine, they'd know it was him. so he was desperate. he had to get all of the poisoned candy bars out of circulation.

he found them all except for two. (ambrose) right. (adrian) the armored car driver had one. he had already taken a bite. if the driver dropped dead like that, there'd be an autopsy. gilstrap had to think fast. he grabbed the driver's gun and shot him repeatedly. who would bother looking for poison in a guy who had been shot five times? which left just one candy bar. the one i ate. that's right. he's been trying to get it back all night. [alarm] how much further? 20 blocks. adrian, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. what are you talking about? dad. oh, no.

i drove him away. no. he couldn't stand me. he couldn't stand me, adrian. it was my fault. no, i'm sorry. it was me. you're a good brother, adrian. i love you. i love you. don't cry, adrian. be strong now. that another neptune bar? where's the wrapper from the one he ate? it's right here. what? what? this one expired 11 months ago. that must be the candy bar left over from last year. from last halloween? that's why it tasted funny. that's why it tasted funny.

so this--this is the-- this is the poison. that's why it tasted funny. [laughter] that's why it tasted funny! [laughter] this is the-- this is the one with poison. [laughs] i had a stomachache. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. everyone got so upset. (disher) paul gilstrap. (stottlemeyer) boo. you missed one.

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ambrose, about our date. is friday okay? no, natalie. that's okay. you--you don't have to. you thought i was dying. i'll be here friday. hey, look. there's a note. "stopped by. nobody home. "can't blame you. i wouldn't wait for me either. "dad. "p.s. ambrose, i'm proud of you for getting out of the house." he said he was proud of me?

you think he'll be back? i don't know. i think he'll be back. maybe we should, uh, go inside. let's go inside. it's better... inside. excuse me.

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now try new girl scout cookie flavors. no... no, charlie. it's mine. what? give it back. ow! mom! charlie hit me! oh, okay. consuela, charlie hit me. ow! mom, consuela hit me. god. here we go again. i'll run away, then you'll be sorry. ow! mom, charlie's making me hit myself.

hey. what are you doing up? your brother's talking in his sleep again. no kidding. what about? some childhood dream about you making him hit himself. what childhood? that was last week. "sports center"? yeah. i'm making my picks for tomorrow's games. really, charlie? tang the points against georgetown? no. if you want to throw your money away, why don't you just get married without a prenup. you know something i don't? so far this year, georgetown's covered the spread eight times out of ten. wow, you bet college basketball? only idiots bet college basketball. no offense. then how do you know all this stuff? i worked for a sports book in vegas. then i opened my own little business in the back of a candle shop in sherman oaks. i always wondered how those places stayed in business. yeah. so did the irs. so they nailed you for running a book? no. they nailed me for running a candle store

that made a quarter of a million dollars a year without selling one freakin' candle. okay, so no on georgetown. does alan know about this? he knows about the candle store. let's just keep the other part between us. yeah, he's kind of prissy about moral stuff like gambling. yeah, he is. and drinking. well, that's only because when he drinks, he gets all weepy and then he pukes. and whoring. no, he doesn't have a moral problem with that. he's jt cheap and he likes to cuddle. well, don't worry-- your sordid gambling past will be our secret. i'm glad to know i can trust you. well, of course you can. hey, i never told him about your little soft-core film career. oh, god. you saw "cinnamon's buns"? not all the way through. though i am very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. you know, with the frosting gun? i was 19, i needed the money. they promised me it would be tasteful. it looked very tasteful. and delicious.

yum, yum. glad to hear you enjoyed it. oh, yeah. although i don't think you were well-served by the screenplay. what screenplay? there was just a greasy little guy behind the camera saying, "do this, do that. more frosting." it's kind of weird. in some way, you and i have more in common than you and my brother. all right, let's take something off the table right away. what's that? my ass. that's not what i was getting at... seriously, charlie, in spite of my past, i'm just a nice little valley soccer mom now. whoa, whoa, whoa, soccer mom? your kid's a babbling pothead. he played soccer when he was ten. he scored two goals. in one game? in one season. shut up. the point is, i am way past guys like you. what do you mean, guys like me? i mean guys that i have to dip in ammonia before i'd let them anywhere near me. oh. those guys. well, as long as we're being honest, i'm perfectly happy with the way things are between us. besides, you're really good for alan.

thank you. yeah, yeah, no, y-you're, you're smart, you're strong, you're self-sufficient, and he's, well... not. i think you underestimate your brother. it's not an estimate. i already got the bill. you'll see, one of these days he's gonna surprise you. and one of these days, i'm gonna die of liver failure. want to lay odds which happens first? (laughing) good night, charlie. good night. ammonia? am i that skeevy? yes!

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did lyndsey leave yet? no. why? no reason. just trying to keep track of who's in my house. don't worry, she's leaving very soon. i'm not worried. actually, i like having her around. you not so much. thank you. that never ceases to be funny. ah, cinnamon buns! how did you know? i bought them. oh, right, cinnamon buns. who doesn't love cinnamon buns? charlie! what, what, what? alan bought cinnamon buns. with frosting. oh. yum. all right, honey. i'll see you later. oh. i'll call you after work. see ya, charlie. hey, lynds, has your son picked a college yet? uh, no. why? well, i was just wondering, if he were to choose between, say...

north carolina and kentucky... which one would you encourage him to pick? keeping in mind that as an out-of-state resident, kentucky is two-and-a-half times more expensive. i'd still go with kentucky. it's a better school. interesting. well, i hope he gets in. thanks. bye. bye. what was that all about? hmm? since when do you care about her kid's education? young people are our future, alan. i care about them all. oh, please. the only young people you care about are sliding down a pole to grab dollar bills out of your mouth. those aren't dollar bills-- those are 20s. and when did you become such a cynic? and when did you become so interested in the comings and goings of my girlfriend-- or what her kid's up to? whoa, whoa, chill. no, no, i will not chill. and what was all that about liking having her around? nothing. i like having her around. yeah, but around what? excuse me?

i think when you say "around," you mean under. don't go down that road, alan. oh, oh, why shouldn't i go down that road? is it slippery when wet? are you out of your mind? what's gotten into you? oh, i think a better question would be, what's gotten into you? i mean, who have you gotten into? alan, alan, listen to me very carefully. i have not had sex with your girlfriend. oh, so it's still in the planning stages. no. but you do want her? no. why not? what's wrong with her? nothing. she's terrific. so you do want her! alan, believe me, when it comes to lyndsey, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. uh-huh, uh-huh. that's what you said about wendy freidman and kathy bell and amy driskell. who? they're all girls you stole from me. what are you talking about? i never stole anybody from you. (laughs) wendy freidman. sixth grade, halloween party. i went to get her punch. when i came back, you were bobbing for her apples. innocent fun. oh... kathy bell, ninth grade. i brought her home to work on our science project. i went to the bathroom. when i came back, you were teaching her french.

harmless horseplay. amy driskell, sophomore year. first girl who let me get to second base. all right, her i nailed. wait, wait, wait. you nailed her? everybody nailed her. that was her thing. it took me six months just to touch her right boob! wow, you really missed the signals, didn't you? what signals? well, in my case, it was her taking off her sweater and saying, "quick, do me before alan gets back from his trumpet lesson." clarinet. i didn't have the lip for trumpet. apparently, you didn't have the lip for amy driskell, either. but all that was a long time ago. you're with lyndsey now, and what's important is that i wish you both a long and happy life together. really? from the bottom of my heart. okay. thank you. you're welcome. though i'd still like you to move out. got it.

soon. right. no, i guess that's about it. amy driskell. "no, alan, i'm saving myself for jesus." (knocking on door) come on in. hey. wow, the place looks great. doesn't it? even better than before i accidentally almost burned it to the ground. yeah. you're welcome. come here. i want to give you something. oh. fooling around? on the new couch? get your mind out of the gutter. i haven't scotchgarded yet. here. a house key? uh-huh. for this house? maybe we're not ready to move in together, but i want you to feel like you can come and go without checking in with me. wow. wow. thank you.

in a lot of ways, this isn't just the key to your house, it's the key to your heart. don't gay it up. now, listen, i'm thinking of having a housewarming party next saturday. great. what can i do? you can help me with the guest list. what would you say about inviting judith and herb? my ex-wife? they live right across the street, and herb is always so sweet to me. that's because every time herb looks at you, he's pretending you're wet and naked. all right. fine. i won't invite him. it would probably just upset judith anyway. yeah, you're right. you know what? let's invite them. take the high road. all right. what about berta? oh, no. i don't think so. why not? she's kind of mean to me. oh, honey. that's just 'cause she doesn't like you. fine. berta. and jake. oh, of course. great. and charlie. there it is. charlie. there what is? why do you want charlie to come to your party? why wouldn't i? when this place burned down, he took us in.

he took me in seven years ago, and i don't feel a need to invite him. oh, come on. he's a great guy. i really like him. of course you do. all the women like charlie. "all the women"? wendy freidman, kathy bell, amy driskell. who? and now lyndsey macelroy. oh, please. charlie and i are just friends. oh, no, no, no, my brother does not befriend women, he befouls them. are you saying you don't trust me? oh, no, no, no, i don't trust charlie. for him, you're unexplored territory. at some point, he's gonna try and plant his flag in you. and when i say "flag," i mean his... ...flag. okay, you're out of your mind. yeah, well, be that as it may, i do not want you hanging out with my brother. i mean, you know, you can be courteous to him. you know, like, "hey, charlie, you got some vomit on your shoe," or, you know, "hey, charlie, do you need me to move my car so your hooker can park her pink camaro?" do you realize how insulting this is? you don't get to tell me who i can and can't be friends with.

hey, it's just charlie. i gave you herb and berta. you know what, i made a mistake. well, i forgive you. give me my key back. what? give it to me. then how can i come and go? you can forget coming, you're just gonna be going. but i-i don't understand. we were doing so good. we were, then you started talking and spoiled it. okay, okay, ju-just to clarify-- you're not as angry with me now as you were when i burned down your house? okay, we'll talk after you've gained some perspective. the only thing anyone really cares about is that first day. everyone will be stylin' their faves. love that! but i'll be bringing it every day, 'cause i went to jcpenney. i know, right? check these out. they even have them in my signature color. that's what i'm talking about. they have so much great stuff.

oh, sweet! anyway, what's your first day strategy? [ female announcer ] come find your first day look at jcpenney.

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closed captionings. and other consideration for "two and a half men" provided by... am i tough? sporty? edgy? i get to be everyone i want to be because i went to jcpenney. what's your first-day look? [ female announcer ] this weekend, get $10 off when you spend $25. come find your first-day look at jcpenney. oh, everybody would love it. get a hot dog on a premium pretzel bun with melty cheese sauce and crispy bacon here! oh, no, thanks. i already got one. [ male announcer ] the summer's biggest hit is the new premium pretzel dog. [ "charge!" organ plays ] this is how you sonic. [ "charge!" organ plays ] jake, berta, let's go! party train's leaving. that what you're wearing to lyndsey's housewarming? i'm not going. why not?

she and i had a little argument. aw, that's too bad. jake, berta, let's go! charlie. if you do what i think you're gonna do, i swear to god i will never speak to you again. really? then by all means, tell me exactly what you think i'm gonna do. you know what i'm talking about. all right, all right, i'm gonna run this down for you one last time. i have no interest in lyndsey other than as a friend, and she has even less interest in me. i don't believe you. okay, fine, you're right. i'm going over to your girlfriend's house and i'm gonna do her right on the couch! no, you won't. why not? couch isn't scotchgarded yet. hey, charlie, did you remember to get the housewarming gift? jake's got it. jake? very funny. we thought so. (chuckles) how come you aren't dressed? he and lyndsey had a fight. oh. that sucks. see ya. so you're just gonna sit here all night? oh, i'll be fine. oh, i'm sure you will. but if you get bored, there's a load of laundry in the dryer

you could fluff and fold. so you want me to do your job? somebody has to. well, i guess there's nothing left to say except... you're an idiot. i may be an idiot, but at least i'm home by myself reading "moby dick." upside down. (dryer buzzes) might as well. maybe she'll like me better. where's your friend eldridge? he lives here, right? yeah, he's hiding in his room. how come? he gets really paranoid when he's high... ...ding in his room. i just came to get him these snacks. bye. amateurs. nice party. thanks. so give me the lay of the land. you mean who in this land can you lay?

if you will. all right. hot redhead by the bar-- that's wanda. recently came out of a terrible marriage. nice, nice. what else you got? pretty blonde on the couch-- that's terry. she divorced her husband to be a lesbian. how's that working out for terry? see the dirty look she's giving wanda? charlie: oh. i think i see an opening. and by that you mean? i wasn't being subtle; i see an opening. (both laugh) i knew it! anything good in my life, you have to take it away. "oh, charlie, you're so funny and so clever. "why don't i lean forward so you can look down my dress and see my boobies?" "why, thank you, i believe i will." "so do you want to have sex now or wait until after the party?" "you don't mind that i'm carrying most, if not all communicable diseases known to man?" "oh, no, charlie, that's part of your charm. come, take me on the couch."

"are you sure? it's not scotchgarded." "no matter. we'll scotchgard it with our love." uh... hello, mr. skunk. don't be alarmed. uh, i was just leaving. uh, there's, there's certainly no reason to feel threatened. good skunk. nice skunk. (grunting) (gagging) bad skunk! (gagging and groaning) oh, god, oh, god. (retching) oh, god, oh, god. who's out there?! alan? hey, herb. oh! oh, wow! (gagging) hope you don't mind. i got skunked.

oh, you sure did. yeah. how come you're not at lyndsey's party? oh, well, i wanted to, but judith came down with a sudden migraine. and by "migraine," i mean "bitch fit." got it. how about you? oh, lyndsey and i had kind of a falling-out. 'cause you showed up smelling like a skunk? no, no. long story. i got time. i-i think she's fooling around with charlie behind my back. charlie? that lucky duck. what? i said, that son of a bitch. story of my life. uh, wendy freidman, kathy bell, amy driskell. amy driskell? i lost my virginity to amy driskell. you're kidding. never even had to ask. aah... it was our first date. (groans) never got out of the driveway. aw... we weren't even in a car. hey, you know what's good for getting rid of skunk smell?

tomato juice. great. you got any? no. we might have some v-8. think that'll work? well, it sure doesn't taste like tomato juice, but you couldn't possibly smell any worse. hang on. what else could go wrong? of course. i'm standing in dog crap. i can't tell you how happy it makes me to bring two friends back together. any better? not really. well, that's all the v-8. want to try some ketchup? why not? i found this in one of my son's shoes. (sniffing) oh, yeah, i can get you better than this. that's what i was hoping. alan: lyndsey?!

alan? what the hell are you-- whoa! where is he? where is who? what is that smell? skunk, dog crap and ketchup. oh. and don't try to change the subject. where is my brother?! well, he left about 20 minutes ago with two women. really? really. so-so you and he aren't... (sighs) that's what i've been telling you, you smelly fool! wow. guess we had nothing to fight about. hug? i'll call you. (airy laugh) you don't scare me. you already shot your load. (spraying) although i suppose you could be a different skunk.

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kindle fire is amazing. it's a life-changer. so all i'm saying is, given my history, alan's paranoia is not completely uncalled for. no, no, this wasn't paranoia. this was insanity. i know, i know, but... the man was covered in ketchup. (sighs) well, to be fair, there was a time in your life when you were covered in frosting. it's not the same thing. i was putting myself through college. look, all i know is that alan really loves you.

now, if you ever repeat this, i will deny it, but my brother is about the most decent human being i know. can't you just give him one more chance? well, i suppose. (loud thud) i knew it! you bastard! you slut! so what do you say?

so you're not paying any rent at all? walden doesn't want my money, we're friends. wow. i can't wait till i grow up and find a friend of my own to live off of. that's my dream for you. walden: mail's here. whoa! whoa! whoa! hey!

uh, walden, are you feeling ok? yeah, fine. why? your junk's all over the couch, dude. yeah, so? it's my house, my couch, my junk. fair point. remember, we're guests. i thought we were friends. what is this? package for "alan smith" from "penis pump industries." nobody here by that name. i'll just...i'll take this back to the post office. oh, boy. perfect. what? it's my divorce papers from bridget. oh, oh, i'm sorry, man. i remember getting my divorce papers. that was a sad, sad day. remember, jake? i wasn't with you, i was with mom. she had a party on a boat. you gonna be ok? yeah, i'm fine. i guess i knew it was coming. well, that's a very healthy attitude.

of course, i was hoping she'd change her mind. but if i had hope in one hand and poop in the other, guess which hand would be full? the poop hand? bingo. yes. well, my marriage is over. big deal. it's only the final death knell of the most meaningful relationship of my life. bong. that was a knell. but you're young. i'm sure you'll find someone else eventually. yeah, yeah, i mean, sure. it's easy to find a soul mate. heck, you practically trip over them everywhere you turn. oh, look, a soul mate! oh, jeepers, there's another soul mate! everywhere i look it's another soul mate. no, it's a great day. it's just another fabulous day in the life of walden schmidt. yah! dad?

yeah? please tell me i'm not done growing. knock yourself out.

♪ with a sub and a drink, it's the $4 lunch ♪ ♪ anytime, all day ♪ made the way you say ♪ get the $4 lunch at subway ♪ made the way you say add the power of a serum.sults? garnier creates ultra-lift serum plus moisturizer. a powerful skincare innovation. in just one step... skin is smoother, firmer, lifted... ...transformed. ultra-lift serum plus moisturizer. garnier. walden? yeah? what you doing? if i'm going to forget bridget and start a new life, i got to get rid of the old one. uh-huh. so, uh, so this is all... wedding photos and love letters. right, right.

oh, this is from our second date. "i am bananas over you." isn't that adorable? burn in hell, little monkey. this--wedding video. honeymoon video. oh, maybe i'll keep that one. listen, i understand that you're very upset right now, but there may come a time when you'll regret not having some of this stuff. you still have your wedding photos? well, the half that she gave me. and by half, i mean half of each picture. [imitates paper ripping] yeah, well, i don't want any mementos. in fact, i don't even want to think about bridget anymore. i am wiping the hard drive. ok. i'm rebooting the system. whatever makes you happy. and to really get a clean start, i'm going to sell this place and move to new york. with the possible exception of that. why? what do you mean, why? if you sell the place, i wouldn't be able to live... ...with myself. if i didn't encourage you to reconsider,

and maybe talk to a professional. like a shrink? this could all be a sign of clinical depression. i guess you would know. if you're interested, i could recommend a good psychiatrist. the one that my brother used to go to. uh, your brother ended up dead. well, yeah, that's 'cause a crazy woman pushed him in front of a train. you can't blame his shrink for that. if anything, blame the crazy woman's shrink. i guess i got nothing to lose, huh? i'm in. ok. well, i'll go get her number. jeez, being a parasitic leech is exhausting. i'm sure you're aware that depression is often the result of repressed anger. i'm not angry. well, i got to tell you, walden, burning all the mementos and photographs from your marriage can be construed as an angry gesture. that's not an angry gesture. this is an angry gesture. arr! that's a good one, too.

why don't we put your marriage on the back burner for now? let's talk about your childhood. i had a very happy childhood, filled with wonderful memories. your parents still together? no, and i don't want to talk about it. all right, fine. my first childhood memory was my father disappearing when i was three. he abandoned you and your mother? no, he disappeared. he was an amateur magician and it was his signature trick. oh. and then when i was four, he ran off with a lady sword swallower. at least that's what my mother called her. in retrospect, it might have been a euphemism. so what was your mother like? well, after dad left, she raised me by herself. and how was that? it was great. she did everything for me. and i always felt safe with her. that sounds wonderful. it was.

and the saddest day of my life was when it ended. why? what happened? i got married. hello. how did your wife and your mother get along? not very well. i don't know why, though. maybe it was just 'cause they were so different. i see. tell me more about your wife. bridget? she's great. she did everything for me. and i always felt very safe with her. oh, isn't that what i said about my mother? oh, walden, you went and beat me to it. i wonder if when we get right down to it, i married my mother. and we're off. what are we saying here? that bridget's right and i am emotionally immature? and all those years, i was treating her more like a mother than a wife? and how would that make you feel if that were true? that would make me feel very angry. and repressed anger is sometimes the cause of... depression. ta-da. ta-da. that's the last thing my dad said before he disappeared.

is that it? am i cured? well, "cured" is one of those laymen's terms that we psychiatrists try to avoid. it hurts repeat business. do i need to come back? i'm thinking three times a week. well, i was going to leave town. well, then you have a choice to make. you can stay here and make your problems go away, or you can go away with your problems. well, that is going in my book. ok, i need to know one more thing. when i was having sex with my wife, was i really having sex with my mother? i'm thinking double sessions. monday, wednesday, thursday? what...you...um, you don't work on fridays? not anymore. i'll see you next week. thank you, dr. freeman. you're welcome. oh, gosh. ok, that's fine. bye-bye now. hmm, maybe i'm not gay.

so it turns out all these years, i've been trying to duplicate the good feelings i have for my mother with my wife. oh, see, you lose me at good feelings toward my mother. uh, i would like a jumbo hot dog, an extra large nachos, and a super slushee. um...you want anything? no. no, i'm good. oh, come on, you treated me to the movie, let me treat you to a snack. give my friend a small popcorn. oh, god! what? it's my wife. oh... wow! that is one handsome man she's with. you think? oh, yeah. he's gorgeous. he's better looking than me? well, it's apples and oranges. i mean, you're prettier, but he's more... [growls] what do i do here? well, the adult thing would be to say hello and meet her new fella, but i'm a big believer in yelling fire and escaping in the confusion. no, no. i'm going to be a grownup.

bridget! hiya! over here! oh, lord. the closer he gets, the better he looks. uh, walden, this is alex. alex, walden. heard a lot about you. yeah? did you hear about my giant penis? [sniffs] i smell smoke. does anybody else smell smoke? hey, alan. hi. hey. alan lives with walden. so, alex... what do you do? i'm a cosmetic surgeon. really? beverly hills, botox, boobies? more like mogadishu, cleft palates and burn victims. he travels around the world helping children in war zones. oh. what are you guys, like, on a date? walden, you knew eventually i'd start seeing other people. uh-uh. whatever.

um, we should go. nice to meet you. really? what about this was nice? you didn't tell me he turned gay. he's gonna split that little guy in half. what a loser. that'll be $47.28. oh, oh, damn. i-i left my wallet in the car. uh, do you mind? oh, yeah, sure. oh, and throw in some twizzlers. no, no, the big one. the only thing anyone really cares about is that first day. everyone will be stylin' their faves. love that! but i'll be bringing it every day, 'cause i went to jcpenney. i know, right? check these out. they even have them in my signature color. that's what i'm talking about.

they have so much great stuff. oh, sweet! anyway, what's your first day strategy? [ female announcer ] come find your first day look at jcpenney.

anyway, what's your first day strategy? closed captioning and other consideration for "two and a half men" provided by... am i tough? sporty? edgy? i get to be everyone i want to be because i went to jcpenney. what's your first-day look? [ female announcer ] this weekend, get $10 off when you spend $25. come find your first-day look at jcpenney. oh, everybody would love it. get a hot dog on a premium pretzel bun with melty cheese sauce and crispy bacon here! oh, no, thanks. i already got one. [ male announcer ] the summer's biggest hit is the new premium pretzel dog. [ "charge!" organ plays ] this is how you sonic. [ "charge!" organ plays ] i think you handled that very well, seeing bridget with another guy. another guy? she's dating conan the humanitarian. yeah, she kind of is. it's like evolution, you know? he is to you as you are to me

as i am to a howler monkey. that doesn't make me feel better. how do you think it makes me feel? you think she's sleeping with him? you kidding? i'm surprised they made it to the movies. oh, god. well, which raises a certain question. um, your wife clearly attracts some extraordinary men. yeah. of course she does. look at her. i have. which brings me to the question. uh, does she have some sort of special powers? you know, sexually? what do you mean? all right. i'll just come straight out and say it. does she have a magic vagina? like, can you pull a rabbit out of it? never mind. in retrospect, maybe that wasn't the best movie to see under the circumstances. are you kidding me? it was perfect. boy meets girl, boy loses girl to a better guy, boy kills himself.

still, you got to love sandra bullock. here. take my keys. why? 'cause i'm going to get dirty, stinking drunk. appletini. twice. two beers. whoa. check it out. what? who's that remind you of? harry potter? bridget. maybe a little. so? so it's a sign. of what? i don't know. but i'm going to find out. hi, i'm walden. dani. danny? short for danielle. my father wanted a girl. it's nice to meet you, dani. let me save you some trouble. i'm here with somebody. oh, yeah, of course. a beautiful girl like you. the bathroom's disgusting.

i had to do the squat and hover. at least you're not peeing in a trough with looky-loos on either side. i'm alan. kiki. oh, kiki. short for... k-ki-ki-ki-ki. obviously, i'm gonna have to spell it out for you guys. oh. yeah, that certainly clears things up. what, you thought we were hitting on you? maybe i have to spell it out for you. see? my apologies. i should've known by looking at...him. uh, what was that about? just work with me. still want to buy our drinks? uh, sure. cheers. cheers. cheers. we're here, we're queer, get used to it. oh, man, check this out. did you buy it together?

oh, i wish. mr. moneybags bought it. i just make it a home. come on, alan. let's go get our guests a cocktail. [chuckling] no offense. oh! cocktail. all right. what's the plan? we gonna try and get them blind drunk and then flip them over to our team? what? no. don't worry. i'll take danny. you can have the hot one. whoa. well, first of all, danny is the hot one. and second of all, i'm not trying to flip anybody. so what was kissing me about? i like her. and i want her to feel comfortable being around us. so you used me. oh, come on, alan. she reminds me of bridget. just help me out here. fine. oh, and i'm sorry about kissing you. no, it's all right. if a man's gonna kiss me, i prefer he looks like the son of god. thank you.

now, are we gonna do this? i can't quit you. so when did you realize you were gay? oh, boy, that's a toughie. uh...i guess my first hint was when i was, like, five or six years old. i used to make my g.i. joe dolls touch each other inappropriately. i used the horn from my toy unicorn to make a strap-on for my barbie. mom was not happy. so when did you come out? it was later. uh, i was actually married. ooh, i bet that didn't end well. no. but i still love her. even though, you know, i'm playing for team penis now. i am. so, girlfriend, scale of one to ten,

exactly how gay are you? i don't understand. well, you know, one being "love the one you're with," and ten being "touch me with that thing and i'll cut it off." oh. i still don't understand. are you exclusively with girls? oh, no. i like guys, too, sometimes. oh. ha ha! what coincidence. i happen to swing both ways as well. really? you don't look like it. so how'd your wife react when you told her you were gay? she was very understanding. very supportive. that's nice. did i tell you we were high school sweethearts? couple of times. she was the love of my life. what about alan? oh. yeah, you know, i-i...love him. ah, god. i can't do this anymore.

i'm on team vagina. what? i miss my wife, and i wanted to hang out with you because you remind me of her. really? i'm sorry i lied to you. it's ok. come here, you poor baby. don't even think about it, slick. sorry. i'm sorry. so, if you're not gay, what's the deal with alan? i'm not sure. he claims to be straight, but his lips opened a little when i kissed him. look at me. i'm kissing a girl. you're kissing my girl! oh! oh, yeah, yuck. walden: whoa, whoa, whoa. whoa, whoa. all right. calm down. you can tell him he can stop acting gay. i'm not acting! you really hit me hard. i'm sorry. let me see.

ok, that was uncalled for. how could you?! i'm sorry. don't blame her. i mean, it was really... come on. bye, walden. bye, danny. bye, kiki. you have a really lovely home. are you ok? well, i think she broke my nose, but i almost turned a lesbian, so... i'm gonna count it as a win. attaboy.

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[ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets! this was a nice idea. i'm just trying to cheer you up. after all, you did get your ass kicked by a girl. well, jury's out that it was a "girl." uh, walden, i-i've got a confession to make. listen, i know you didn't really forget your wallet. oh. ok, then i guess i have 2 confessions to make. the other one is that i-i've been a very selfish man. how so? well, when you told me you wanted to move to new york, the only thing i could think about was me losing a great place to live. i was totally oblivious to your feelings. don't worry about it. no, no, no, i need to say this. you know, you're a great guy and you deserve to be happy. and if you have to move, i'd understand. but, uh, i want you to know i-i'd really, really miss you.

i'd miss you, too. but i'm not going anywhere. oh, you're not? nah, the shrink's right. my problems are gonna follow me wherever i go. besides...how could i leave my best friend? [chuckles] aw... i'm the luckiest guy in the world. told you.

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no. i had some, you know, with the kids. i had some with the kids. oh... how you feelin'? it's not poison, ray. if i wanted to kill you, i wouldn't do it that way. all right, that goes in the file. hey! good? yeah! yeah...good. even better the second time, now that my tongue's not scared. mmm...man, this is great. yeah? you really like it? it's good. i really do. let me at it. oh! i'm so happy! oh, look, you're sitting down! ooh! i did it, huh? i really did it. ally: mommy! yeah, honey! i'll be up in just a second! ok, i'm gonna get ally out of the bath. there's a lot more on the stove here. not for long.

ha ha ha! mmm...mmm...mmm! heh heh! mmm.

1, 2... try this. what is it? braciole. braciole? i'm in. who made it? debra. i'm out. here, ray. i'll try debra's braciole. i'm filled with antibiotics. mmm! yeah? gimme. gimme. jeezaloo! see? huh? so, it is good.