[robotic voice] to be like this. but michael thought that samuel should be a very advanced android, almost indistinguishable from a real person. - dwight does not play a robot. - i'm up. - it's the president. he needs you for a mission. - tell him i'm retired. - it's goldenface. - goldenface... this makes it personal. [dramatic music] ♪ - scarn, you're right on time. [cheers and applause] - hail to the chief. - i gave up a lot of weekends because i thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as president, even in a silly home movie. what a stupid waste of time. it's your old enemy, goldenface. he's after the nhl all-star game. he's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. scarn... this one is personal for me. i own the stadium. i can't see it blown up.

it's my retirement plan. - we have to search the stadium. - not so fast-- goldenface has taken all of the concession-stand workers hostage. scarn, will you find these hostages and save the game? - heads i do it, tails i don't. best out of seven. heads. [dramatic music] tails. ♪ heads. tails. heads. tails. looks like there's gonna be a clean up on aisle five. [cheers and applause]

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the only man who would care, michael scarn. [cheers and applause] see, i'm gonna lure him here. then i'm gonna kill everybody. then i'm gonna dig up scarn's dead wife, and i'm gonna hump her real good. [laughing evilly] i did not love the dialogue... or the character. i took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless. - well, the all-star game was three days away, so naturally, it was all sold out. the only way scarn was getting in was in a uniform. just one problem with that-- scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a slim jim. so he went to meet with the famed trainer, cherokee jack. - mop the ice. - i'm not here to learn how to mop, i'm here to learn how to play hockey. - mop it. [billy joel's running on ice] - ♪ oh ♪ i get no traction 'cause i'm runnin' on ice ♪ ♪ it's taking me twice as long ♪ ♪ get a bad reaction 'cause i'm runnin' on ice ♪

- come on. come on! ♪ - ♪ you got to run, run, run, run, oh ♪ - blah! blah! ♪ you run, you run, you run, run, run, oh ♪ ♪ oh-oh-oh-oh-oh - now take this. - ♪ running on ice - what am i supposed to do with this? - ♪ running on ice - mop. - ♪ running, running on ice ♪ ♪ running on ice - well, michael scarn was quickly becoming one of the hottest hockey players in the country. - each year the national hockey league accepts one civilian amateur to play in the all-star game. it's down to the three of you. the final test is speed skating. on your marks... get set... - die. [gunshot] [billy joel's pressure] [gunshots] ♪

- ♪ pressure ♪ ♪ 1, 2, 3, 4, pressure - [breathing heavily] nice try, goldenface, except you forgot one thing-- to kill me. - oh, i wasn't trying to kill you. i was trying to slow you down. - no! - oh, by the way... - yeah? how's your wife doing? [laughing evilly] - congratulations. - hey, you came in second-- not bad either, champ. - i am so sorry i have to do this. - [gagging] - shh! shh, shh! - [choking] - [grunts] i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. - i'm intercepting a name...

jasmine windsong. she works for goldenface. but what i can't figure out is, who is the funky cat? - not who, what. the funky cat is the hippest jazz club in town. - oh! oh, n-- [jazz music] ♪ - he cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned? then what was the point of spilling the drink on me? - ♪ they call me ♪ jasmine windsong - bingo. - he finished his movie? no kidding. wow. that's great. yeah, good for him. [singing unintelligibly] ♪ [click] [on playback] ♪ the hostages ♪ are under the stadium

- pfft! - ooh, ugh! [choking] [all murmur] - ugh. - check, please. - you have to let us go, goldenface. we have families. - ha! this is gonna show them... that i mean business. see ya. - far and away the most expensive shot of the movie, but it was "intregral" to the story. - ha! - it's scarn! - sorry about your friend, scarn. - the joke's on you, goldenface. that man was a wanted animal rapist. - we've searched the whole building, goldenface. where is the bomb? - hmm? - we've searched the whole building, goldenface. where is the bomb? - hmm? - we've searched the--okay. - he said, "where is the bomb?" - in the puck. - but why are you telling me this?

- because i'm going to kill you, unless... you forgive me for murdering your wife. [soft emotional music] ♪ - hey, goldenface. - yeah? - go puck yourself. - no! [gunshot] - that was not scripted. [gun cocks] [gasps] [gunshot] [soft emotional music] - [weakly] more tylenol. - you've already had four. - oh, god! so good. - you're lucky to be alive. - it'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back, and balls to kill michael scarn. - let's just make sure that everything's... working properly. [monitor beeping slowly] [beeping quickens]

- you just said the bomb is in the puck? both: yes. - is that where you hid the bomb, goldenface? - but why would you blow up the stadium? you own the stadium. - for the insurance money-- i knew it all along. you will never get away with this. - [chuckles evilly] [gunfire] - where had i gone wrong? all i wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. but somewhere along the way, things got messed up. - it wasn't easy for scarn to admit that he'd lost his self-confidence. and he hadn't, of course. he just wasn't using it right now. all: mike! - beer me, billy. - you don't look so good. what's got you down? - i got problems, billy, big problems.

- you got problems? my tv don't work. i pay 30 bucks a month for the damn satellite "whatsahoozit." i can't even get the damn game. now, you tell me, what's worse than that? - [chuckles] don't ever change, billy. - [chuckles] - goldenface is going to blow up the nhl all-star game tomorrow. - i see what you mean about problems. i know what'll cheer you up. that table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink. all: hey. - ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby? - why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later? - i'm too depressed to save the big game, billy. - i'm gonna cheer you up the only ways i know hows. hey, kid... hit g-9 on the jukebox. - no, billy, i haven't done that dance since my wife died. - there's a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the scarn.

[funky music] ♪ - ♪ well, my name's michael scarn ♪ ♪ and i'm here to say ♪ i'm about to do the scarn in a major way ♪ ♪ ♪ you jump to the right, and you shake a hand ♪ ♪ then you jump to the left, and you shake that hand ♪ ♪ you meet new friends, you tie some yarn ♪ ♪ and that's how you do the scarn ♪ all: ♪ you jump to the right, and you shake a hand ♪ ♪ then you jump to the left, and you shake that hand ♪ ♪ meet new friends, tie that yarn ♪ ♪ that's how you do the scarn ♪ ♪ you jump to the right and... - [chuckles] - shh. stop. all: ♪ and you shake that hand ♪ meet new friends, tie that yarn ♪ ♪ that's how you do the scarn - boom! - if doing the scarn is gay, then i'm the biggest queer on earth! - [laughs, snorts] - you guys, i think i have... - i'm really sorry. - my self-confidence back. [all cheering, video pauses] - hey, hey. - michael! - michael, i'm sorry. i'm really, really sorry.

i think i was just relieved to see that michael scarn got his confidence back. - yeah, michael, the movie's amazing. - it's, like, one of the best movies i've ever seen in my life. - you should enter it in festivals. - or carnivals. - yeah. - well, that's a pretty good reaction. that's pretty cool, right? did you like it? did you like that? - which part? - okay. all right. - oh, come on. - no. all: michael. - no, come on! - we have to see the end. - no, it's not good enough. it's not good enough. - some people are really popping on-screen. you know, from our 4,000 television commercials. yep, there i am with flo. hoo-hoo! watch it! [chuckles] anyhoo, 3 million people switched to me last year, saving an average of $475. [sigh] it feels good to help people save... with great discounts like safe driver, multicar, and multipolicy.

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what did you love about it? - i loved that you got to work together with all your friends. - mm-hmm. - isn't that so great when you can all work together like that? - no, no. holly, this isn't ocean's eleven, where you get together with all your friends, and you just have fun, and you don't care about how it turns out. what'd you really think, honestly? - um... - is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? because, see, i need you to keep me grounded. - i'm not worried about that. - this is 11 years, okay? this has been my dream for 11 years... and if you don't think it's great, then you're basically saying you don't believe in my dream. - it's your dream? you never even mentioned it before. - we talk about a lot of things, holly. you know, i was eventually going to get around to my dream, obviously. 11 years that i could've been working on the scarn nebulus. - well, why do you have to make a movie at all? - because if i don't have this, what do i have? i have nothing. - really? you can't think of anything else that you might have?

- i have my book on business, somehow i manage. i have my hbo comedy special, here i go again, dot, dot, dot. but you know what? when i think about it, when i really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie. - i'm real. - yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. and now i'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great. and i'm sorry i called you a pain in the ass. i'm angry, and i love you. - i love you too. - who likes threat level midnight? [cheers and applause] - okay, well, then who wants to watch the rest? [cheers and applause] [dramatic music] - michael, you have to get to that puck before halftime, or the whole stadium will explode. - i know. it's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on. - cherokee jack? michael, he died. [sad music]

♪ - this one's for you, cherokee jack. [cheers and applause] we filmed this during an actual scranton high school hockey game. they were trying to qualify for states. - shh. it's fine. it's great. - no, no, actually it was really screwed up, because they-- they were trying to qualify. they were disqualified. they had to forfeit the game. undefeated season-- that's why there were so many people there. [sad music] - why is your face gold? - why do you care? - i'm just making conversation. - i worked in a gold factory. we had a boss who only cared about money. - hey. - hey, i'm sorry. it is good. - no, no, it's not. it's not. but they really seem to be enjoying it.

- [snickers] - come on. - please, goldenface, let us go! [dramatic music] - cherokee jack. - i want you to take all your frustrations-- with women, the system, with everything-- take it out on the puck, all on the puck. - [laughing] [dramatic music] ♪ [laughing] - yah! - aah! - oh! - yay! - yay, they're saved! - whoo! ♪ - hey, we got sports games again. [all cheering] - [laughing] oh-- [explosion]

[cheers and applause] - some breakfast for me, some breakfast for you. [laughter] - aw. - oh, yeah, i guess i did let him be a robot. [phone rings] i'll get it. man, i love being retired. scarn here. - michael, it's the president. - hello, sir. - i need you for another mission. - uh... yeah, i'm in. [cheers and applause] - hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. isn't the president evil? - oh, yeah. [laughs] yes, he is. - no, no, he's doing it to catch the president. - no, no, dwight, he's just being stupid. [laughter] - well, michael scarn was back in the game. and i bet you're wondering why do i know so much about michael scarn? well, because i am michael scarn.

all: oh! [applause] - that was so good.

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now, in just one hour you can have a noticeably whiter smile. new 1 hour whitestrips from crest. life opens up with a whiter smile. [ superfan ] helper help line. we're on our way. you have got to try this sweet & sour chicken helper. i didn't know they made chicken! crunchy taco or four cheese lasagna? there's 40 different flavors? that's really good. i love cheese. dad's night. helper makes daddy the man. yes. could i get another one of those, actually? thank you. [ male announcer ] hey, america, we're here to help. americashelper.com. we're here to help. [groovy music] - aw, yeah! ♪ threat level midnight ♪ makes all the girlies feel all right ♪ ♪ from madonna to madeleine albright ♪ ♪ threat level midnight ♪ it's a threat, a level, a level, level threat ♪ ♪ he's the greatest hockey star i ever seen yet ♪ ♪ threat level what? midnight ♪

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the following program contains dangerous stunts that should not be reenacted and mature material. viewer discretion is advised. ♪ [ music ] now on "whacked out sports," our lights are on for danger. a sledder goes cliff diving. a rider's stuck in reverse. plus, munchkin wrestling. should it be outlawed? here's why i'm taking you -- >> ing. chuck wagon racing. and the "whaced out sports top five." it's "whacked out sports," diving into an er near you right now.

hey thrill seekers, thanks for checking us out as we check these stunt junkies in, to the nearest emergency room. if you're a connoisseur of comas, concussions, or good ol' compound fractures, you've come to the right place. >> i read this interview with conan o'brien once. that's right, jerks, i can read. you should try it sometime. the reporter asked what's the funniest thing in the world? conan said when someone hurts himself while trying to show off. conan, i hope you're watching. there he goes.

nope. almost. hmm, he crashed out of eye shot. that wasn't very satisfying. ah, that's more like it. i don't wish ill on ace jones but you can't pull stunts like this with such attitude and not expect something bad to happen. they say pried goeth without a fall. there's the pride, and there's the fall. all right, my peeps and peepettes, to scene i can switzerland where the clocks aren't the only thing coo-coo. welcome to the world of the european professional hang gliding circuit. here we are at lake oh my god, i'm drowning with mi