've been thinking about what to get robert for his birthday. uh, all right. all i have is a 10. can this be for christmas, too? heh heh. heh. hey, can i go halvsies with ya? ok, you know, that's exactly why we need to do something nice for robert. because not only did he get gored by a bull, but he's had to put up with that kind of stuff for 3 months. what does she want, another 10? hey, how did robert's appointment go? not good. what do you mean? what happened? i asked the doctor about the clicking in my jaw when i chew sometimes... and he said there isn't much i could really do about it. i have a suggestion. what about robert? oh, no, he's good. his therapy's going very well. in fact, he can move back into his apartment in 3 weeks. oh, my god, another 3 weeks? hey, robert. hey, robert!

well, i suppose you heard my wonderful news. yeah, 3 more weeks! 3 more weeks. oh, listen, 3 more weeks! if you say it like that. here, let me try... bubonic plague! hey, what do you got, is that a new cushion? whoo. boy, i wish i had one of those. man, that is...sweet. robbie, 3 more weeks is not so bad. your father and i will help you with your stretching. i just wanna say, if you do the one where you throw your legs over your head, all baggage must be completely stowed. all right, go ahead and laugh. that's what everyone else does. robert, listen. we were just talking about your birthday. oh, yeah, yeah, my birthday. happy birthday to the middle-aged man who's back living with his parents.

♪ and many more oh, you drank all the coffee. [mutters] raymond! hello, son. yeah. we were just having some coffee. would you like me to make you some? no, no, thanks. uh, how are you? what's going on? what do you mean? why'd you tell me to come over? what? we like you. can't we just wanna see you? is that such a crazy-- robert's killing us. i can't take it anymore. what are you talking about? your brother. he's a jerk. no, he's not a jerk, frank. he's acts like it's so horrible having to stay here with us. it's not pony ride for us, either. he won't even do his exercises. he just sits around the house insulting us.

this morning, he told me that my pancakes were...dry. and yesterday, he told me i smelled like a billy goat. which wasn't true yesterday. raymond, please talk to him. what? no, no. no way. come on. he's your brother. he's your son! you're gonna throw that in my face? raymond, we don't know what else to do. look, he's probably just going stir crazy here, huh? i have an idea-- why don't you guys move? why would you say that? hmm... i'll talk to him. i don't understand why you would want us to-- i'm talking to him! hey. what, are you stretching? no. i dropped a fruit loop under the couch.

ahh... so, mom and dad starting to get to you? starting to get to me? they've burrowed into my head, and they sit on my brain, poking the backs of my eyes. yeah, they'll do that. maybe you should cut 'em some slack. what? yeah, 'cause they mean well, you know? well, mom means well. dad's just mean. what, they send you in here to talk to me? no, no, not at all. come on, ray. everybody knows you're ma's little lap dog. what are you talking about? she gives you treats, and you scamper around doing tricks like a trained poodle. i think i'll start calling you princess.

i'm not a poodle, robert. princess want a fruit woop? what, are you just gonna be a pain in the ass to everybody? ah, yeah, there you go. pain the ass. i get it. that's not what i meant, huh? come on! don't act so innocent, ok? you were the first one to find humor in my... discomforture. yeah, yeah, thanks for the laughs, funny man. what, so now you're gonna be mad at me now just 'cause you gotta spend 3 more weeks here? oh, how could i be mad at you...princess? you are a jerk. how'd it go in there? yeah, i, uh, stuck my fingers in his fruit loops.

what the hell is that? get back in there. no, no. look, he's out of his mind. no, don't leave, please. here, have a brownie. one. aw, a tweat for mommy's schnookums. ma, tell him i'm not your lap dog. he's not my lap dog, robert. i just wanna thank everybody for being such a loving family. i'm in there with a bull hole in me, and you're all in here calling me jerk. that's nice. hey, if you're having such a bad time living here, then don't. you want me out? you don't have to finish your rehab here. move out. that's right. you're pretty much back on your big clown feet. my feet are proportionate to my height. and maybe i will move out. would you like that, ma? whatever makes you happy, dear. ok, fine, i'm going right now. good! i'll be back for my personal effects tomorrow. take your time.

i'm out of here! you gotta move your car. it's blocking me. my pleasure! marie, move the car. i don't have your keys. i don't have them. you're always hiding them. no one has your keys, frank. if you'd just put 'em on the hook where they belong. don't tell me to put 'em on the hook. i hate putting them there. are they in your pants upstairs? i don't leave my keys in my pants. how about the time you left 'em in the front door? senile! how about the time you had 'em in your hands? where are my keys? where are my keys? all right, wait. i forgot. i had 'em. and here's your tv guide, and here's your big spoon. [door closes] i hope you're gonna boil that spoon. ♪

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yes honey? dad told me that cheerios is good for your heart, is that true? says here that cheerios has whole grain oats that can help remove some cholesterol, and that's heart healthy. [ dad ] jan? ♪

lead paint poisoning affects one million children today. it's also 100% preventable. if your home was built before 1978, visit leadfreekids.org to learn more. happy birthday, robert. we just wanted to stop-- we? come back here! they're just kidding, you know. get over here.

heh heh heh. hi. hey. what's up? happy...hello. let's go inside. ew. aah! oh, god! what the hell's that smell? i left a carton of milk out the day i got gored by the bull. apparently if you leave milk out for 12 weeks, it goes bad and then explodes. however, this is lavender bouquet. can we use it to light the apartment on fire? robert, do you have any more candles? or an old sneaker i can bury my face in? make yourselves at home. or not. i say not. i have my perfume. uh, yeah, that's good, ma. now it smells like a cow died in a whorehouse.

why don't we open a window, huh? yeah. and jump out. oh. is that the cake you made? you know, you could've made one, marie. the way robert's behaving? no, he doesn't deserve one of my cakes. this is perfect. ok. you know what? i think we all need to be a little more understanding of robert. that's what families are supposed to do. is that some of your "i'm ok, you're ok" hippy crap? no. it's just right. peace, man. oh, you're still here. we're not gonna leave, robert. it's your birthday! and by the way, this is for you. it's from all of us. huh? it's a gym membership.

ok, that's it. let's go. ray... wait a minute. ahh, pictures of beautiful people running and rowing and lifting weights. nice, huh? yeah, everybody can build up their arm muscles pointing and laughing at sergeant chubsy-ubsy. robert, we just thought that it might help you. i'll tell you what, deb-- why don't you take it, huh? you can go and exercise and lose, like, half a pound and then officially be perfect. ♪ perfect debra, sitting in a tree... ♪ ♪ p-e-r-f-e-c-t hey, that rhymes. look, robert, we were just-- listen, thanks for the present, thanks for coming over, thanks for everything, everybody, ok? you may just wanna go now because the birthday boy is gonna blow out the candle. just for the record, i said we should get him a strip-o-gram.

i'm gonna talk to him. oh, deb, just stop it with the "understanding" bit. it's not a bit, ray. if debra really understood people, she wouldn't serve that cake. hey! ok, robert, listen. stop feeling so sorry for yourself. i'm not feeling sorry for myself. yes, you are. spouting off at the family and insulting everybody. you just love playing the victim, don't you? ok, thank you, debra. you can go back to being princess fabulosa now. hey, you better be nice to me, pal, because i'm the last person in the family that doesn't wanna climb up there and strangle you! oh, a height joke. thank you, your majesty. yeah, it's very refreshing after all the bull-in-the-ass jokes. you know what i think? i think you love that bull. i think you were so happy he found you because he's 2-ton excuse for your life! that's right, you were a victim before that bull. you've been a victim your whole life

because there's nothing easier than playing the victim, is there, robert? w-why are you picking on me? see? again. wah wah wah. my mother doesn't pay enough attention to me. i broke up with my girlfriend. raymond has a better life than me. wah wah wah. i don't say, "wah wah wah." you're sounding like that right now. that's because i just said, "wah wah wah." listen, bad stuff happens to me, ok? i don't imagine these things. i'm just reporting the facts. the fact is, you love to suffer. that's why you were so mad about having to leave your parents' house. are you crazy? i couldn't wait to get out of there. oh, really? you don't seem so happy to be here. i have a milk situation. admit it, robert. you love being at your parents' house because that's the holy land of self-pity. you weren't unhappy because you only had 3 more weeks to stay there. you were unhappy because you only had 3 more weeks to stay there!

[blubbering] oh, my god! oh, my god! robert, i didn't mean-- maybe you're right, debra! no, i'm not. i'm not right. stop crying. sure, i put on a big show about how ma loves raymond better and dad's an ogre, but they do take care of me! o-ok. i got a place to sleep, l-laundry... the food is unbelievable. her lasagna. her pie. even something as simple as cream of wheat, which you think wouldn't be different from one place to another. i don't know why, but hers is better. robert, i--i didn't mean to suggest-- oh, my god! maybe i never wanted to move out of there.

what kind of a nut job am i? nut job! nut job! no, robert, you're not! you're right, debra. maybe i don't wanna get better. i must love being the victim. oh, my god! i'm doing it right now. look at me. i don't think i can stop, debra. i don't think i'm ever gonna stop! help me out of this! robert, you're crushing me.his. oh, my god! i am a nut job! [blubbering] i'm a--i'm a loser. i am such a loser. oh, robert, no. come on. robert, look. no, listen. you're not so-- listen, i feel sorry for myself, too, sometimes. not like me. i got issues. no, i have my moments. yeah, you. like what? like, um, ok, for instance,

i grew up in a nice normal family. i was used to people being a certain way. and then i married your brother, which is great, but... they are over every day...a lot. [imitates frank and marie] hello, dear. holy crap. hello, dear. holy crap. i mean, you know, on friday, your mother was over 9 times in one day! 9 times. and at times like that, it's hard for me not to say, "why me?" no, why me? why? why? why? why? why? why me? it's one of my favorites. that's probably why i've been the only one who's been able to put up with you lately-- 'cause we're a little bit alike. ya think so? sure. oh, robert. i'm--i'm sorry i yelled at you. no, no. i deserved it. i'm sorry i called you perfect.

it's ok. do you feel better? yeah. a little dehydrated. come on, let's-- let's get out of here. ok. thanks, debra. you're a good sister-in-law. thanks. you're a pretty good brother-in-law. so we really are kind of alike,arene? you feel sorry for yourself, too, when mom and dad bug you. oh, absolutely. yeah, but then, deep down, you really kind of like it, right? yes. yes, i do. good. you'reick, too. but if your skin feels tight and dry it could be a sign of dage

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hey, everybody. just wanted to, um... apologize for the way i've been lately. debra talked to me, and i'm actually feeling better now, so if you can all forgive me, i'm glad you came over, and let's have some cake. was that you crying in there? oh, frank. no, it's all right, robbie. you're never too big to cry. although you might be getting close to the cutoff point. you know what, robbie?

you need to air this place out overnight, and tomorrow, i'll come in and give it a good once-over. so tonight, you'll sleep at our house, and i don't wanna hear any argument from you. all right, if that's what want. come on, let's go home, and we can have the cake there. oh, no, no, dear. i have some cake at home. why don't we leave your cake here? it goes so well with this apartment. hurts so good, huh? captioning made possible by talk productions captioned by captioneering your closed captioning resource

hey, robert, can you move over a little bit, please? no. take the middle. i don't want the middle. gianni, you move over to the middle. i'll go to the end. will you just sit down? all right, you're gonna feel a little man-thigh. how does that grab you? you like that? come on! cool it already. people, shut up, all of you guys. what? what's wrong? nothing. it's... debra's not feeling well bio...hormonally. oh...got it. the enemy within.

so...do me a favor. just don't do--gi her a rea- be cool, be cool. hey, ray. these were on topof. are they dirty,or a? uh, yeah. those are dirty. a hamper works, ok?meenw there's a lid on it,and. now,not the clothes you'rew, but your dirty clothes-- and you shut that lid.i, yeah. got it. got it. this is very nice, ray. yeah. this is very nice. pretzel crumbsall over the . yeah, i'm gonna cleanthose up. ha ha ha ha ha. ok, see whati'm talking about? friggin' mood swings. believe the suicide note. the ft

too big. ♪ too soft. too small. ♪ mmm! ♪

too happy. ♪ [ male announcer ] at progresso, we've got a passion for quality. because you've got a passion for taste. i'm going to the bank, all right? listen, when the buzzer goes off, could you maybe take the clothes out of the dryer? yeah. no problem. how long you gonna be? why? oh, nothing. no. take your time. or hurry back, if you want to. [burps] ah... i thought she'd never leave. is debra aware of how she's coming off to others? no, she-- she doesn't hear herself. and if i bring it up to her,

she gets all nuts and denies it. that's the sickness. you shouldyou wanna wear a wire? and make her listen to it. i'll shave you down and hook you up. why doesn't she just take something for this? what's she gonna take? raymond, have you ever been in a drugstore? yeah? there's a whole wing dedicated to this problem. all right, what am i gonna do? what am i gonna do, buy her something? besides, i wouldn't even know what to get. get 'em all. yeah, all right. just don't worry about me,all r? i'll just ride it out. you dumb bastard. what? ride it out? you put a stopt! all right, dad.all right. let me ask you, she'sin, 2, 3 days, tops? not so tough now, right? pretty soon,

she's gonna get a moodt. then it's a week! and before you know it, what used to bea bad mod now takes over andbecom. and then... well, then you becomeli. where not a day goes by that i don't wishthere t screaming towards earthto b. what's so funny? dumb bastard.he's a dumb ba. hey, banjopants. hope you're in the moodfor some, and i don't mean just me. big bag of nemo's takeout. oh...

picked up some dinner. i std i also picked upsome after-. which for your sake,i've al. i have alreadystarted dinner, r. why didn't you call meahead of ? who knows?but look,! garlic bread. well, i've made a salad,and i'v, but-- forget it. we'll eat your food. you all right? yeah, it's...fine. i'm sorry.thanks for the dinner. don't worry about it. look, i know a lotof st. feminine-ally... uh-huh... i know... i know it's--it's n. i understand that.i. thing.ow, it's likee

only more...hyde. if he's the bad one? whatever. whatever. whoever it is,i knou for making a messmys on the hamper. crazs i know thatthat's n. that's hyde. if he wasthe ba. but you know what?w. while i was out today,i. i--i really... you know, and...ouf, of all your...houlde symptoms. except for bitchy,right, ray? what do you mean? i meanthere's nothing in here for bitchy. for bitchy.eda n

boy, this isjust like you, ray. any more insensitive, you can'te you rise to the occasion! hi, are the kids home yet?i. oh, mama, mom--mom! please, just go home.it- if she wants.any this.ot afraidis jekyllwould. tell you what,i cannot.. take this anymore, ok? you make a huge mess,you do, you invite your friends over to dall day,crazy and all you can think of is. let's just load her up with drugs!" in it.'s gotst.s i can't believe you! if there's ever anything wrong, it's pms! huh? sometimes--i just--i d! someto smack you!want debra's right, raymond.