all right. come on, kids have one. isn't this good? ooh, look -- this is chocolate. oh, my god, this is amazing! ray, taste this. no, i can't -- i can't taste anything. i got a cold from that damn air conditioner on the van. it's freezing in there. unh. jeez aloo! i married the wrong broad. [ loudly and slowly ] you...have...a...lovely...home. come on, we're gonna go see the house. come on, sweetie. come on.

oh! oh, this is wonderful. oh, i love this. marie: okay, here we go. this is it? what, ray? nothin'. had more room in coach. oh, my god, look at this. look at this! what? [ gasps ] oh, my god. i'm gonna cry.

[ crying ] can you believe this? it's nice -- the water. yeah. oh! that room's kind of small, though, don't you think? i mean, we're gonna be jammed in there with the kids for two weeks. did you look at the place, really? it's all kind of...old. it's -- it's just... this -- this is not the ideal vacation for a guy who works like a dog his whole year. [ sniffling ] it's chilly now. i'm goin' in. my nose is runnin' here. [ sniffling ] [ italian accent ] i speak english little.

oh, yeah? hey, beautiful. i'm glad you're here. is better. not so much meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh! what? meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh! oh, i get it. yeah. [ high-pitched voice ] bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! sí. bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh! bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh! ha ha ha ha! heh heh heh heh hey! bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. all right, everyone. we don't have time to dawdle. oh. we've got to start sight-seeing

if we're gonna stick to my itinery. get up, frank. come on, everyone. we're gonna have fun -- fun with grandma! come on, come on. whoo! here we go. she did pay for the trip. and now we pay. marie: who wants the best ice cream in the world? come on. cheap foreign napkins! hey. what? what are you all mopey about? i don't know. i can't enjoy myself because of my dilemma. it's not a dilemma. it is a dilemma, raymond. you're not the only one with dilemmas. i got amy, but i keep thinkin' about joanne. i can't sort out my feelings. and i'm in the most gorgeous place in the world, and i'm sitting here next to you. robbie, here's your peach. raymond, you sure you don't want anything? no, i-i can't taste anything, ma.

oh, don't be sick here. you know i called joanne today? what? what, from here? oh, what's wrong with you? i hung up when she answered. i couldn't talk to her. cost me 20 bucks. i'm a loser. it's just that, i want -- holy mother of god. what? this. this -- this is the -- it's as if i've never tasted a peach before. mmm, mmm, mmm. it's as if you've never been in public before. would you stop it? woman: scusate. desiderate qualcosa da bere?

buon giórno. giórno. [ italian accent ] you like something to drink? sí. limonata? sí. excuse, please. than he did yesterday.stand taller today... nike, sperry, and the vans atwood all at famous footwear. victory is yours. served on a toasted pretzel roll, our new bacon avocado chicken sandwich comes with fries

and your choice of soup or salad. it's just one of chili's delicious lunch break combos. more life happens here.

[ superfan ] helper help line. we're on our way. you have got to try this sweet & sour chicken helper. i didn't know they made chicken! crunchy taco or four cheese lasagna? there's 40 different flavors? that's really good. i love cheese.

dad's night. helper makes daddy the man. yes. could i get another one of those, actually? thank you. [ male announcer ] hey, america, we're here to help. americashelper.com. we're here to help. it's that thing dad always talks are yabout -- the thunderbolt. who, the gelato girl? don't call her that. what are you talkin' about? that's what she is. all right? i don't know her long-term goals. excuse, please. oh, oh, oh, oh -- oh, my lord. g-grazie.

okay. i'm gonna go blow my nose in the tablecloth. so...do you speak english? i -- a little. [ giggles ] so, you're in gelato? yes, for now. stefania! oh, i think your boss wants you back. i better go. wait. stefania! all right, pal. jeez. he's got to learn how to chill out a little. what's with this guy? he's my father. [ exhaling deeply ] oh. that's nice. he's a hard worker. i will see you again? see me again? oh. oh. yes. stefania! ciao. ciao.

hey, sexy! [ laughs ] what do you want? hey, listen -- rome today! it's only a half an hour away! and colletta's gonna watch the kids. yeah, great. i hate this damn thing! [ sneezes ] sprayer has no pressure! it's like a third-world country. stupid place! would you lighten up?! look where we are! i am lookin'. i'm takin' a bath like columbus. how 'bout that giorgio guy? what? i saw him drinkin' my listerine -- that's what. whole place is annoying. you got to change money. that's a scam. nobody sees that? how can they not see that?

say what you want about new jersey -- aaah! aaah! ray! turn it down! well, how did it get on?! aaah! hey! are you crazy?! i'm taking a shower! dammelo! oh, my god! oh, god! alza il braccio! no! alza il braccio! i would do what she says, ray. no! alza il braccio! could everybody leave, please?! you want me to get the video camera? alza il braccio! no! will you stop hitting me?! all right? you can't do this to me. i'm an american. alza il braccio! alza il braccio! this wasn't in the brochure. marie: oh, here comes giorgio with the car.

look how cute. okay. we're all gettin' in that? good luck, sweetie. ha ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha ha! eh... i don't think i'm gonna fit in there, either. maybe you can sit on top and push with your arms. hey! oh! hello! hello...there. where did you go? uh, i was, you know, gonna go to rome -- roam around. [rome] uh, come with me. i can show you. okay. not you. get back. get back! i show you roma and the làgo di bracciano, where i grow up. okay?

yes. very nice. uh, hurry up, before my father sees. marie: robert! i don't understand. what is this? this is luck. toots, over here. stefania: ciao! ciao! [ horn honks ] look at this. robert gets the gelato girl, and i get hosed down by mrs. mussolini.

marie: oh, look at that! debra: and the colors of it -- this is beautiful. frank: this is somethin'! look at the -- look at the fountain. oh! ha! raymond, i can't believe we're here! these are the spanish steps. spanish? i knew we were walkin' too long. and the reason they're called that -- okay, sorry i asked. we're goin' up. do we have to, really? ray, this is the spanish steps! where's the spanish elevator? i'll go with you, honey. thank you, marie. only you would think of these as stairs. what are they, then? hey, let me carry that stuff for you, cara mia. thank you, frank. one...two... three...four... walk, walk, walk, walk... five...six...seven... [ speaking italian ]

excuse me? sei bellissima -- very beautiful, you. oh, ha ha ha! nice hair. oh, thank you. all right, let's go. what? man: ciao, beautiful girl. okay! bye-bye! don't say "bye" to them. why not? you talked to them, now they're gonna follow you home. oh, would you stop it? no, you stop. you like that. "hey, cacha poochie!" oh, god. yeah, you listen -- you better watch yourself, okay? they got one thing on their mind. that's how italian men are. not all of them. hey! what?! what's that supposed to mean?! hey, you got nothin' better to do but ogle women?! you should start workin' on a stand-up shower! aw! anyway, so, the kids want to sleep with grandma and debra.

so i'm gonna sleep here with you, okay? no problem. just don't hog the covers and it'll be an upgrade for me. you gettin' undressed, or what? i'll make a deal with you. i'll take somethin' off, you put somethin' on. good night, there, son. yeah. [ grunts ] good night. it's a beautiful place, huh? oh. yeah. yeah, good night. i'll tell you, when your mother told me she'd been hidin' that money from me, i was thinkin' what dress to lay her out in.

but now i'm here... in friggin' italy. it's like a dream. i'm from lynbrook. i-i worked my whole life. i never thought i'd be in such a place. i was just wonderin' -- could your leg be in another place? i happen to be serious. all right, okay. no, i know i-i complain about stuff and all that, but...i'm a lucky man. [ crying ] i'm a very lucky man.

[ sighs ] i'm not holding him. vamanos dusty! the fans await! roger that. so, el chu... what do i do? i've never done this before! just smile and be yourself! oh! it's dusty crophopper! over here! dusty!!! hey!

aaaaaagh! wow! so many fans! dusty my friend, don't let it go to your head. you have to stay humble... like me! aaaaaaaah-ha-ha-hiiiiiiy! fly into target for everything planes.

mmm, mmm, mmm! thanks for all the gelato, stefania. all the gelato you want -- you have a great life. i'm glad you like. i like everything.

[ door opens ] i fully intend to pay for this. captioning made possible by talk productions closed captioned by captioneering your closed captioning resource

debra: don't you miss italy, ray? oh, i just loved it so much there. everybody got along so well. i wish we could hold on to that feeling, you know, of just enjoying every day. how about we go upstairs and enjoy the rest of today? okay. [ car approaching ] you hear that?

hey.

this is your father's fault. what are you talking about? i was saying "stop." i was stomping on the brakes, but nothing happened. oh, my god. [ stuttering ] our house -- look at our house. i know. i know. ma, what the hell? he knew about the brakes. what did the mechanic say about the brakes? tell them. ah! aw, look at this. the mechanic said the brakes were bad. of course he's going to say that. every time, he says the brakes are bad. well, i think the brakes are bad, frank.

okay, fine. i'll have the brakes checked when i get the taillight fixed. the taillight?! frank, look at the house! i saw it. look at this -- this dry wall, it's like paper, probably foreign-made. on the other hand, say what you want about american cars... beats a house. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

what, did they driv? yeah. yeah. what happened? granstopped by.ndpa robert, what do we do? i'll fill out a report. you. oh, here we go. did i let you drive? becausanymore.n't see i can see a house! oh, my god. what -- all right, look,don't w. that dad's car insurance

will cover this. i'm not sureit'. we never go anywhere. i can't believe this! all rhomeowner's insurance? okaygood. right.nce. where did i put that? it's not over there. get out of here, dog. no, go away. oh, look at him. can we keep him? no, sweetie. we never get anything. we can't keep a dog. he'll juokay?n away, get him out. go out the back. let them take the dogt through the kitchen. he'll make a mess in there. looks like we're covered. oh, wonderful.

you'the deductible. pay stinkin' crooks. here's what you do. yto add an extra grandr to the bill, your insurance company cuts yi get it back. i don't want to hear this.-- hey, dudlwake up.ght, the world works. into the insurance system. well, it's also built into the system.l justice category -- fraud. nerd! nerd? you called me a nerd? you drive into the houseand? you're calling me a nerd? ray, do something. what? tell your father the right way.this

hey, to pay anything is the right way. look at this scratch. see, here's the thing. drives their carn into someone's home, should be sympathetic and try to help the person whose home has been d try to make it better! but you won't listen. i won't listen? i must say, debra, thatthe situation.help my tone? my tone? you just drove a carinto my hou! to leave the back door open cross-ventilation going. okgoing to do? we wilyou talk to them.m?