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♪ [ girl ] l'eggo my eggo™. man, did you see that game? those guys were just sleepwalking! we need a real running back. barlow's done. he's all washed up. amen. they're talking about football. i have that one. give me the cards. mr. monk, you don't need the cards. just go talk to them. you are an interesting person. can't you just be yourself? give me the cards. [sighs] weather, politics, movies, swear words-- swear words? don't you look at that one. here it is--football. okay, i got it. i got it. hey. ah, monk is here. i guess we can all go home now. you guys talking about last night's game? san francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points. yes, we know. that was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. it was the turnovers.

they always come back to haunt you. yeah, i was just saying rattay can't handle the pressure. i mean, why didn't they take him out? excuse me. that's true about tim rattay, the quarterback. but don't forget, he won four out of his last five home games. but they were playing in houston, monk. you guys... wanna hear some swear words? hey, monk... what are you doing? we're just talking about the local football franchise. mmm, all right. the niners. heh, no. the san francisco forty... niners. come on. body's over here.

yeah, sure. i'll catch you guys on the flipside. [snickers] [snickers] [men laughing] there it is. hearing them laugh as i walk away. that's the worst part. mr. monk, they're not laughing at you. yeah, right. victim "a," the garage attendant. his name was ronnie-- uh, ronald shelton. shelton. guy worked here for 10 years. shot twice in the chest with a .45. we recovered the shells. bang, bang, he's dead here. the shooter then drags shelton's body this way and rolls him under this truck. then he hangs out here in the garage and waits. for what? for victim "b": warren kemp. he enters the garage at 7:30. heads for his car. wow. sweet ride. yeah, i'm thinking of getting one of these myself. meanwhile, back on earth, the killer forces kemp over to the car-- at gunpoint, makes him put his hand in the car door... and breaks it. he killed the first guy, then waited around... but then only breaks the second guy's hand?

his right hand. not his left hand. he was very specific about that. and then he takes off. kemp recognize him? no. he didn't see his face. robbery? nope. why his hand? is he a musician or a surgeon? he's a big-time stock analyst. he works at one of the financial places upstairs. you know, buyouts and mergers. money for nothing. is that monk? yeah. he's supposed to be some kind of genius, like sherlock holmes. who's the girl? uh, his assistant, natalie something. [unzips purse] what you got? well, this tire iron is...metric. it doesn't fit this car. in fact, all the cars down here are american made. i think the killer brought this down

to pretend to change a tire. probably drives an import. good, what else? tweezers. well, he's insecure. he's always trying to impress people. act tougher than he is. how do you know that? he was chewing on this. it's not conclusive. (female officer) captain... just a theory. c-could be wrong. yeah? how's kemp? i can't release him yet. gotta get him back to the hospital for some x-rays. but he gave me a message. he said to tell you that he can meet mr. monk tomorrow morning at his office, 10:00. he says he hopes to see you too. who, me? yes, mr. monk. he's all the way to the end and on the left.

hi, adrian monk for mr. kemp. he's on a conference call. you can have a seat. i used to work in a place like this. i lasted about two weeks. you do the same thing every day. the same thing. after a while, you begin to feel like a number. a number. you're just like everybody else. everybody else. you're basically a drone. a drone? he's ready for you. if you'll follow me. [buzz] mr. monk. [grunts] warren kemp.

forgive me for not shaking hands. oh, i don't mind. it's natalie, right? his gal friday. [chuckles] something like that. how's the hand? nine broken bones. one more would have been an even 10. well, you sound disappointed, mr. monk. well, it's too late now. nice digs. yeah? so this "buy low, sell high" stuff really works, huh? well, apparently. wow. what's that? (warren) it's a voice scrambler. some of the transactions i handle are top secret. security comes through twice a week, sweeping for bugs. i feel like james bond. please, sit down. mr. kemp, i understand that the man that attacked you knew your name. that's right. but you didn't recognize him. no, i never got a good look at him. did you recognize his voice? no, sorry. any idea why somebody would wanna... break your right hand? are you about to sign an important contract? it would matter. i can still sign my name.

i mean, if i make an "x," it would still be legal. so you've been moving furniture? that's right! i just hired a new decorator. some feng shui nut. she says if my desk faces the door, it would open me up to new opportunities. maybe she was on to something. [giggles] [both laughing] how did you know about the furniture? impressions in the rug. the desk used to be there. that's pretty good. who's the detective here? [both laugh] mr. kemp, uh... captain said that you wanted to ask me some questions. mr. monk, i'll admit it. i'm scared to death. i mean, this creep knew my name. it could be someone close to me. i agree. and the police have the building staked out, but...i need someone working here. undercover, trying to figure it out.

i trust you. i trust your judgment. can you... recommend someone? i'll do it. what? i'll do it. oh, thank you. i feel better already. you can start tomorrow. no, no, no. you don't understand. he can't work in an office. there are people here. nah, nah, he'll be fine. i'll say you're an investment analyst i'm bringing in from chicago. chicago. all you have to do is... look busy. i'll give you some reports to collate. did you hear that? i'm gonna be collating. [monk and natalie giggle]

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do you smoke? if you do, the smoke detector in the break room's usually broken, if you know what i mean. isn't that kind of a fire hazard? i hope so. if we're lucky, this whole friggin' place'll burn down. here's your parking pass. if you park in the garage, make sure someone walks you downstairs. we had a problem there two nights ago. oh, i heard about that. why do you think someone would wanna break kemp's hand? probably someone who heard him playing piano at last year's christmas party. [raspberry] oh, more office humor. that's good. this is you. home sweet home. this is me? it's perfect. yeah. it's a dream come true. what are you doing? this is adrian monk. he's starting here today. mr. kemp said i could have that cubicle. what's the difference? it's closer to the emergency exit. statistically, it's a little safer. statistically, you're a little nuts. why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?

ignore him. he's a little... [whistles] so, we're all set. if you have any other questions, don't hesitate to ask somebody else. somebody else. i get it. we're taking up a collection for chilton handy. it's his birthday. he's 40. oh, i...i just got here. you work here, right? most people put in 10 bucks. i put in 20.

okay. okay, then. here you go. wait... you're chilton? that's right. i'm turning 40. well, happy birthday. what do you think about what happened? you mean to kemp? well, it's pretty strange, huh? breaking his hand. why would somebody do that? maybe someone didn't like their last employee evaluation. (randy) captain, this just came in. i think you better sit down. what is it? i really think you ought to sit down, sir. i don't want to sit down, randy. what is it? it's pretty big, sir. what is it? okay. sir, it's just that when i got the call, i was sitting down, and i'm really glad i was.

did somebody die? is anybody hurt? i just got off the phone with the s.e.c. they're investigating warren kemp for insider trading. is that it? there's definitely a leak. and they're pretty sure that it's coming from inside the firm. one theory is that it's warren kemp himself. but he was having second thoughts, so our guy breaks his hand as a warning to keep him in line. and that's it? yes, sir. and you had me sit down for that? no. no, it wasn't just that. i mean, you looked a little bit tired. is that my phone? your phone? disher. uh-huh. yeah. i gotta take this, sir.

yeah, no, no, no. i'm on my way. right, no. absolutely. uh, yeah. adrian, really, you don't have to reorganize the whole filing room. actually, i did. and thanks again for cleaning my office. i can see my desk again. you're gonna make somebody a wonderful wife. oh, greg, here's that quarterly sales report. i found a few typos and grammatical errors, so i retyped it. retyped the whole thing? you're my hero.

so, where are we eating? let's just go to the broadway grill. it's right across the courtyard. come on, adrian. come on, annette. [bell dings] i'll get the next one. there's plenty of room here. i'd rather wait. you could fit right here. it's only two floors. okay, i'm--i'm fine. i'll-- we're not contagious. [laughs hard] i know you're not...contagious. i-i-i'll take the next one. [ding] mr. monk. i was worried about you. how's it going? um, fine. it's going good. oh, good. all right, i just talked to the captain. the s.e.c. is investigating this place. they have a bank account in the cayman islands.

somebody's making millions based on insider information. yeah. they even have this crazy theory that warren kemp's involved. isn't that insane? come on, let's talk about it at lunch. oh, i can't. i'm meeting the gang. what gang? i have a gang. i'm in the gang. they're waiting for me. wait, what are you talking about? natalie... they like me. i brought some cards along. i haven't had to use them. nobody's laughing at me. i gotta go. i'll talk to you later. oh! oh! mr. monk, how's the case coming? any leads? nothing concrete. i can't talk right now. i gotta go. the gang is waiting for me. [chuckles] mr. kemp. warren, please. so what are you doing here? i was going to take mr. monk to lunch, but he had other plans. so...you're free. yeah. hmm. here you go. oh, thank you, pamela. dig in. mmm. ohh.

mmm. mmm. that was very good. [giggles] delicious. so... is it hard... to work together and--and be in a relationship? what? what? the two of you are having a thing, right? why do you say that? well, your shirt... there's a hole on the end of your collar. greg was wearing that same shirt yesterday. plus, you're using the same shampoo and the same deodorant. and today, greg walked in with your umbrella. oh, ho, ho. ooooh. [all laugh] (greg) you should be a detective. no...no, i couldn't be a detective. i could never be a detective. they're lonely. they're--they're very lonely... and sad. they don't have a gang. a gang from the office. [all laugh]

so this is how millionaires do lunch, huh? ah, this is how millionaires become millionaires. and divorced and stressed out and dateless. [both chuckle] oh, i can see my boss from here. [chuckles] he's laughing. i hardly recognize him. [chuckles] is that yours? that's in vermont. oh, it's beautiful. is it? i don't remember. i haven't seen it in two years. warren, we gotta get you out of this office. the last time i was in vermont, i was in jail. what? [both laugh] i hit a guy in a bar. he wouldn't leave my friend alone. so i just sort of tossed him through the window. if you're trying to turn me on here... it's working.

[both laugh] oh, my god. i can't believe i just told you that. you cannot tell anyone i've been arrested, okay? mr. monk...my god, julie, my daughter. if she knew-- please. you have to promise me. oh, no, i promise. okay. now you have to promise me something. yes. that you'll keep calling and reminding me how pretty that cabin is... until i can take you up there and show it to you myself. okay...

[laughter] hey, sherlock holmes. come here. we're trying to figure out who did this. this is a human caucasian buttocks. yeah. [all laugh] yeah, we know. but whose caucasian buttocks? gotta be chilton. go to hell. uh, no, this is ben. real mature, ben!

ow! how'd you know? well, the staples go out, not in. ben's is the only stapler in the office set to do that. what are you doing? taking this down. the tournament's over. you guys forfeit. who said that? we don't forfeit anything. it's our bowling league. the finals are tonight. okay, fine. i'll see you there. but you're just gonna embarrass yourselves. even worse than usual. mr. kemp was the only bowler you had that didn't suck. mr. kemp bowls? not anymore. not with a busted hand. creep is right. we're gonna get slaughtered. bowling. carnation breakfast essentials. bye, mom! ♪ with 21 vitamins and minerals,

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louder than i thought it would be. do you really think this guy...killed somebody... and broke warren kemp's hand just to win a bowling trophy? i know it's crazy, but look at him. he's completely obsessed. and not in a good way, like me. plus, he's a toothpick chewer. does he have an alibi for monday night? good question. adrian, you're up. me? yeah, we need someone to fill in for mr. kemp. why do you think we asked you to come? because... i'm one of the gang. here's your shirt. find a ball.

all right. yeah. you got this. good eye, good eye. find your ball.

walk's as good as a hit. take it, take it, take it. all right. you got this, adrian. yeah! do this. yeah.

bowl it down now. [chariots of fire theme] ♪ [all cheer] oh, yeah! [cheering] one more, it would have been an even 10. oh, you get another chance. you get two balls. really? (greg) go get it.

you're so slow. i'm-- [team cheering] hey, did you watch that comedy show on tv monday night?

what? oh, it was about this family that argued all the time, and the father was always wrong. you could hear the audience laugh. so you knew it was funny. i missed it. where were you... monday night? did you go out? are you a cop? no. then i don't have to talk to you, do i? so who's the girl with adrian? didn't you get that e-mail? somebody's been sending messages to the whole office about her. her name's natalie something. she's been hitting on mr. kemp. you're kidding! and get this... she's done time. she almost killed a guy in vermont. uhh! thanks. [ring] hello.

(natalie) everybody knows about vermont, warren. they're all talking about it. i told you that in confidence! natalie, i didn't tell anybody, i swear. well, somebody's e-mailing your whole office, and nobody but you knew about it. natalie, you have to believe me. like hell i do. mr. monk, we need to talk. natalie, look at this. chilton has an alibi. he was here monday night. he bowled a 294. i don't know what to think. well, i think warren kemp's involved. what? maybe the s.e.c. was right. that it's an inside job. now, i do not trust that guy. well, i thought we liked him. i thought we liked him a lot. well, we don't. you know what? i'll just meet you outside. i gotta get some air. adrian! we're only down two pins. if you can roll three, we can win the game. no problem. foul! that's a foul! he can't wear those. he's wearing street shoes. they're not regulation. but he's been wearing them the whole game. i don't care. he can't bowl if he's not wearing regulation footwear. that's a rule. fine! we'll just rent him a pair of shoes. what size are you?

uh, here's the thing. when you say, "rent a pair," you're talking about footwear that other people have already worn? that's right. on my f-feet? h-h-here's the thing. i don't like to share...anything. fine. let's just buy him a new pair. pro shop's closed. so what's it gonna be? if he doesn't bowl, you forfeit. here. we're about the same size. what the hell are you looking at? they're just shoes. just put 'em on. here's the thing-- okay, stop saying, "here's the thing." just put on these shoes for 20 seconds. then you can take 'em right off. 20 seconds. i don't know. so you forfeit? listen... we've been waiting five years to beat these creeps. all you have to do is put on greg's shoes and roll the freakin' ball.

i can't. yes! oh, my-- we win! yes! that's a forfeit! we win! forfeit! forfeit! forfeit, forfeit, losers. [team laughing] hey! hey... i bought some... i bought some bowling shoes. i'll tell you what you can do with those. [whispering] put 'em up your...

that's a new one. what do you think? i'm sorry? which one do you like? i'm doing the windows and all the offices. i'm trying to brighten up everyone's spaces. which one? this one i think is just a tad bit more sunshiny. don't you think? yes, it's very sunshiny. all right. [sewing machine hammering]

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they're comparing it now. uh... something else, too, sir. it's pretty big. don't worry, you don't have to sit down. i mean, you can sit. i mean...sit or stand. can i walk away? i'll just tell you. the victim, angela dirks, she was an interior designer. we found some recent invoices. guess what? she was working for pross financial services. the same company. yes, sir. so the guy breaks the boss' hand, and then four days later, he kills the interior decorator? what the hell is going on up there? but that's pretty weird about the decorator getting killed. there's gotta be a connection, don't you think?

mr. monk? that was our table. we ate nachos. you ate nachos? no. but i pretended to. and then later, ben made a copy of his caucasian buttocks. which was very funny. although i don't know exactly why. mr. monk, it's their loss. really, it is. they're all at the chinese restaurant. down the street. i saw them sneaking out. so i wouldn't come with them. uh-oh, what is that? what? there's-- there's something-- is that a hair? where? no, it's okay. it's just celery.

[teeth clenched] natalie... i think i know what happened. what? i solved the case! why are you talking like that? [teeth clenched] you see that guy by the window? the guy in the green jacket. when i said there was something in your soup, he reacted. he looked at his soup. his suit? his soup, soup! well, maybe he heard you. no, he couldn't have. he must have read my lips. he can read lips! that explains everything. it does? yeah, he's been sitting at that same table every time i've been in here. he must have been sitting there about a month ago. at some point, he looked out the window, and he saw something. something worth millions of dollars.

what? what did he see? he saw warren kemp. he's been reading warren's lips! from that table. he has a perfect view into warren's office. it's a company called maine fiber optics. $32.50 a share. before september 2nd. buyouts, mergers... that kind of inside information is worth a fortune. don't look! don't. he's staring right at us. i'm sure everyone is, the way you're grinning. that's okay. he'll just think we're in love. you don't look like you're in love. you look like somebody who's had some sort of industrial accident. here, just... i don't get it. why would he break warren's hand? [whispering] because warren redecorated his office last week. remember? you noticed it yourself. he turned his desk around, so that when he held the phone in his right hand, he was blocking his mouth. somehow he had to get warren to switch hands.

that's what all this is about? so he would hold the phone in the other hand? why would he kill the decorator? she was planning to put curtains up, remember? that would have ruined everything. oh, my god. here he comes. with this mirror, he could have been reading my lips. think you figured something out, huh? what do you say we all take a walk outside and talk about it? i'm gonna grab the gun. i can hear you. i was born deaf, but i'm okay now. modern science. now let's go. okay, okay, we're going, we're going. but you're making a huge mistake. do you know who this man is? he's... aaaaaaah!

all right, don't move! stay where you are! don't worry. it's okay. i used to be a cop. i'm calling the captain. now, wait, wait. could you... could you first call mr. wok's? why? that's where the gang is eating. i'd really love them to see this. please. to benefit cancer research i rode across the atlantic. crossing an ocean with your body as the motor, it hurts. so i brought advil to help me stay strong during the toughest journey of my life. [ male announcer ] paul ridley had a choice of pain relievers, but he chose advil. because nothing is stronger on tough pain. nothing. not tylenol. not aleve. [ paul ] when people are counting on me to come through, my answer is advil. [ male announcer ] real people. real pain. real relief. advil. relief in action. starts with freshly-made pasta, and 100% real cheddar cheese. but what makes stouffer's mac n' cheese best of all.

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i like the curtains. well, they're temporary. they're moving me upstairs to the 15th floor. uh, away from prying eyes. makes sense. at least we know who wrote that e-mail. the killer must have been reading our lips when we talked about going to vermont. [chuckles] guess he didn't want his golden goose going on vacation with anybody, so he tried to break us up. look, natalie, it doesn't matter who wrote the e-mail. i'm a bottom line sort of guy. and the bottom line is... i told you it wasn't me. i swore to you. and...you didn't believe me. you're right, you're right. i'm sorry. can we just pop this open and pick up where we left off?

it's expensive. don't waste it. (monk) how'd it go? let's get out of here. [snickers] there it is. [laughter] captioning by brian at captionmax www.captionmax.com

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let's see, what else? oh, okay. here's one of the first things your uncle charlie wrote. ( plays piano ) ♪ teenage mutant ninja turtles... ♪ eh? must have been before my time. okay, we're done here. hey, hey, hey. don't put your juice box on the piano. it leaves a ring. how could a box leave a ring? got to run to the grocery store. i'm going to need somebody to fold these clothes. i don't know if the grocery store is the first place i'd go for that, but good luck. oh, oh, remember. you're being punished. so no tv, no computer, no gameboy. charlie, i need you to be my eyes and ears.

okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate. whoa, whose is this? uh, charlie, you want to field that one? no problem. jake, sometimes when you have a casual, sexual relationship... all right, all right. jake, we take in strangers' laundry because we're poor. i'll be back in an hour. start folding. no tv. what'd you get busted for? painted my room at mom's house. what's wrong with that? i'm ten years old. hey, how about a little sock golf? what's that? okay, here's how it works. the living room is a dog leg par four. that means you have to get your sock into the kitchen sink in four strokes or less. okay. play for a quarter a hole. your handicap's obvious. you're short and you've never heard of the ninja turtles.

all right, keep your knees bent, your arms straight and swing easy. oh, man. i'm being hustled. we can play for less if you want. don't get cocky. there's 17 more holes. and you know what i walked out with? [ slurps ]

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