for the young phenom. what's going on? i won. i beat uncle charlie. excuse me. didn't i ask you to fold the laundry? laundry? are you barking mad? the child just won the coveted palmolive cup. ♪ i won, you lose, i won... ♪ charlie... when i ask jake to do something, i need you to help me make sure that he does it. i'm trying to teach him responsibility. this sock is soaking wet. yeah, i chipped into the water hazard on the ninth and the lid was open. so, this is toilet water. at least. all right, i put jake to bed, i folded the laundry, i put the groceries away... the guilt thing doesn't work on me, alan. yeah, well, it's all i got. i'll be back in a little while. where are you going? oh, i have to bring the garbage cans back in. today wasn't garbage day. oh, no, not here. at judith's. at judith's?

alan, your wife threw you out. yeah, well, that doesn't mean she doesn't need me. yeah, it kind of does. well, look, we're still married. it's still my house, and she still counts on me to do a few chores. it's good. it leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation. i see. so, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine? they're on wheels. what are you watching? i'm watching a movie. and you're not supposed to be watching anything. oh, yeah. is that guy a good guy or a bad guy? good guy. and you're not supposed to be watching tv. i know. is that his girlfriend?

ex-girlfriend. but he still loves her, right? i'm not going to walk you through the whole movie. i think so. go to bed, jake. okay. who's that guy? that's the guy he was in jail with and told him where the money was hidden. oh, right. hey, you're being punished. no tv. i know. ( door opening ) what the hell is going on? both: shh. jake. good night. hey, i'm watching that. what part of "no tv" didn't you understand? i'm allowed to watch tv. i mean jake. i said, "no tv." he said, "okay." i said, "go to bed." he said, "okay." what do you want from me? charlie, he's taking advantage of you

because he knows you won't follow through. well he obviously knows me better than you do. okay, look, if this is going to work out with jake living here part-time, you have to be an adult. you have to impose discipline. yeah, fine, whatever. give me back the remote. no, no, you're not listening to me. you need to be firm. okay. go to your room. yes, like that. i mean it. give me the remote and go to your room. that's very funny. ha-ha. i'm serious. get out of here. i will kick your ass. oh, man. shoo.

( "road runner" plays ) jake. ( firmer ): jake. it was on when i came in. yeah, right. what did i tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano? how do you know it's mine? oh, come on. who else around here drinks "transylvania goofy juice"? good point. and another thing, were you on the deck feeding the seagulls again? sorry, i forgot. okay. we need to talk. love you, uncle charlie. look, we don't feed the seagulls because you can't get rid of them. and we don't leave the doors and windows open because we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying in the house. okay. no, no, no. don't just say, "okay." this is not the grown-up telling the kid what to do. this is just two guys agreeing how to live together.

are we cool? yeah, cool. hey. what's going on? nothing. was he watching tv? no. jake, i have to run a quick errand, so why don't you wash and dress and when i get back we'll do something fun. can we watch tv? go. where are you off to? uh, the, uh, uh... grocery store. you're going to judith's, aren't you? ( scoffs ) no. then where are you going? judith's. oh, alan. i have to. i have to. the-the-the-timer on the sprinkler system is broken and the flower beds are getting flooded, and i love her and i want her back. oh, buddy, i feel for you. well, thank you. unfortunately, the feeling is nausea. great, great. i'll see you later.

alan, you've been making the same mistake your whole life. being the good boy, fixing everything so everybody would love you. it didn't work with mom, didn't work with either of the women you went out with. and it's not going to work with your wife. charlie, you know nothing about commitment and responsibility to a relationship. granted, but i do know when a woman's using me. and by that i mean not in a fun way. well, you can rest easy, because no one is using me. and did you mean that i only dated two women including judith? because, because if you did, i have two words for you. maxine chernakoff. ya! did you fix it? not quite.

doesn't seem like you're changing anything. well, no, well, sometimes change happens, judith, and you can't see it. okay, fine. when you're done fixing this, would you come inside and take a look at the garbage disposal? sure. thank you. wait, no. what? no, i-i won't come inside and look at the garbage disposal. why not? i know when i'm being used, judith, and not in a fun way. what are you talking about? who are we kidding? the marriage is over. you're just afraid to move on, so you keep dragging me over here, and i'm afraid to move on, so i keep coming. good-bye, judith. you're free. i... i hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. ( alan playing piano )

jake? what you got there? just a little bread. please tell me you're not feeding the seagulls again. ( seagull screeching ) okay. oh, man, did you let another one of those big, flappy bastards in the house? you have to put a dollar in the swear jar. you said "bastards." smart-- poke the bear. i'm telling you, jake, this is the last ti... ( seagulls crying ) yikes. like dishes that don't fit in the top rack of the dishwasher. come into sears, i'll tell you about our one hand adjuster... on our exclusive kenmore elite dishwasher. it's amazing what'll happen when... tall things have the right space. also amazing, jd power ranks... kenmore elite highest in customer satisfaction. one appliance store helps more people...

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that's the power of german engineering. and get 0% apr for 60 months, now until september 3rd. for a strong bag that grips the can... ♪ get glad forceflex. small change, big difference. girl: don't look at me. second girl: your hair's a bit frizzy today. aw! ha ha! you should pick that up. announcer: every day, kids witness bullying. poor you. ha ha! they want to help but don't know how.

teach your kids how to be more than a bystander. visit stopbullying.gov. for two and a half men provided by... i want it all... all the volume... all the drama. new l'oreal million shes excess mascara. our legendary llionizer brush for a multitude of volumized lashes clean-sweep wiper system means... no clumps new million lashes excess from l'oreal paris ally sorry, uncle charlie. i don't want to talk to you right now. hello, uh, do you have a department of animal control or bird abatement? i have a seagull problem. sea-gull. thank you. i'll hold. i didn't know there'd be so many. i told you, don't feed the damn things.

i told you, don't leave the windows open. yeah, hi, uh-uh, who is this? phyllis siegel. no, no, phyllis, i-i wanted to talk to somebody about seagulls. i got a flock of seagulls in my house. no, i don't know whatever happened to them. i'm really sorry. we had an agreement, jake, and you broke it. look, uh, i-i need somebody who can come over with a net or something. sure. i'll hold. hello? who is this? annette. look, i got a room filled with seagulls. no-no-no-no-no... hi, phyllis. hey. good-bye, phyllis. good news. really? come tell me in jake's room. what did he do?

he didn't paint anything, did he? i want you to be surprised. you will never guess what happened while i was at judith's. neither will you. ( gulls squawking ) so what's your good news? open the door! your kid got 'em in there. you get 'em out. ( banging door ) open... this door! that was not funny, charlie. depends on what side of the door you were on. look, i-i'm really sorry about the birds, but i'm sure they'll leave as soon as they get hungry. that's what i thought about you. well, you know what-- jake and i may be out of here sooner than you think. what do you mean? at judith's, there was kissing. mutual kissing. unprompted, but reciprocated by yours truly. wow. mm. and was it as boring as it sounds? charlie, charlie, she kissed me, and this was not the kiss of a woman

who just wanted her garbage disposal unclogged. well, you know her plumbing better than i do. you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to let her come to me. you know, be detached. play it cool. yeah, that's your home run swing. hey, uncle charlie, want to play some sock golf? no, thanks. jake: where you going? charlie: going for a drive. can i come? nope. i don't think uncle charlie likes me anymore. don't be silly. he-he's just a little upset about the 30, 40 screaming, crapping birds in his house. why don't you, uh... why don't you write him a note and tell him how sorry you are. okay. don't worry. he'll come around. sooner or later, everybody comes around. you just have to give 'em a little time... and a little space. hello, judith?

what's in the bucket? chum. what? bait. i went down to the bait shop and asked them what seagulls liked to eat. we're keeping them? no. we're going to throw the bait out the window to lure the birds out of the house. oh, that-that's pretty clever. yeah, it's a variation on something i do with women and tennis bracelets. hey, uncle charlie, i made this for you. thanks. i made it myself. i see that. what you doing? getting rid of the birds. can i help? nope. uh, jake, why don't you go out and play on the deck, okay? okay. what is wrong with you? he worked really hard on that card. you barely looked at it.

what do you want from me, alan? well, he's dying for you to forgive him. fine. i forgive him. now, are you going to help me or not? i got a serious problem here. really? 'cause you look like you have it all together. okay, here's the deal. we go in there and start throwing this stuff out the windows. when the last bird's out, we close the window and get on with our lives. you ready? sure. you know, if they love this bait so much, why would they even wait for... ( gulls squawking ) ( screaming ) it's almost like somebody tipped 'em off. got any other bright ideas? yeah. i'm going to get a dry wall guy in there and seal off that room. very funny.

i'm not kidding. that room is dead to me. it's either that or sell the house. i'll put it on the market as a two-bedroom-plus aviary. everybody loves an aviary. what about jake? you going to put him on the market, or just wall him off? hey, i tried with that kid, alan. he-he-he says one thing and then he goes and does another. he's ten. he's got the attention span of a hummingbird. well, then, what am i supposed to do when he ignores me? you punish him-- you-you take away his computer, his-his tv, his toys. well, you already took away all the good stuff. what am i supposed to take away-- his bronchial inhaler? you know what i'm saying, charlie. you just... you don't... take away your love.

hi, uh, i tried calling, but i kept getting your machine, so i thought i'd bring this over. what is it? oh, it's my master file of, uh, handymen, plumbers, electricians, maintenance schedules, warranties, authorized repair centers, um... et cetera. okay, well, uh, you're on your own. got to run. alan, wait. yes? about that kiss... ah. when you said we should move on, i got scared, and, uh...

alan, i kissed you out of fear. hey, it still counts. alan, you were right. we have to move on. okay. alan, wait. yes? the garbage disposal's still making that horrible noise. well, i keep telling you not to put bones in it. i didn't. the sink trap does not lie, judith. this is so cool, uncle charlie. yeah, well, i was kind of hard on you, and i... i wanted to make it up. so you're not still mad about the seagulls? oh, i'm still mad. i just figured out a better way to deal with it. well, i think this is a very good way. me, too. i'm buying you all this stuff, but, as punishment for letting seagulls in my house, you can't play with it for a month. a month? pretty smart, huh? it's not fair.

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i wonder why they left. maybe because we stopped feeding them. whoa, check it out. wow. you know what this means, don't you? yeah. breakfast. captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

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"mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." and yet both my ex-wives live on. morning. morning. uh-oh. not again. please, not again. thank god. always in the last place you look, huh? uh-huh. have a nice day.

(weakly): you, too. yeah, phil, it's charlie. put me down for a grand on detroit tonight. what's the line now? well, excuse me. but don't you think if the gambler is awake, it behooves the bookie to be up as well? all right, well, call me when you get off the can. are you aware that your sleepover buddy was packing heat? oh, yeah. any hotter and she'd have burned my pubes clean off. charlie, a gun in the house? relax, she's a cop. or was a cop. or is wanted by the cops. i know she mentioned cops. unbelievable. so this was another one-night stand? unless she comes back for her handcuffs, yeah. boy, how much satisfaction can you get from that? handcuffs? not really my thing. but, hey, she probably did some stuff last night that might not have been her first choice. no, i mean, how can you possibly get any satisfaction from an endless series of alcohol-soaked one-night stands?

and even as the words are coming out of my mouth i realize it's a stupid question, so forget i said it. she's married to a cop. you know, i hate to see you wasting your life having drunken sex with women you don't care about. well, who asked you to move back in and watch? you know who was good for you? don't go there, alan. mia. she was beautiful, she was smart. she got you to clean up your act. i'm telling you, charlie, letting her go was the stupidest thing you've ever done. you're going there, alan. i'm just saying you had this fantastic woman who was willing to marry you and you just threw it away. and for what? okay, you're there. you want to know why i gave up mia? i'll tell you why i gave up mia. i gave her up for you. oh, oh, for me? yeah. yeah, for you. she wanted you to move out so we'd have the house to ourselves, but i said no way. i am not throwing my brother out on the street. wow. what a loving gesture. oh, bite me. and you know what you did?

you married candy and moved out anyway. so if you want to know why i let the best thing that ever happened to me get away, it's so the worst thing that could ever happen to me would have a place to live. oh. (mimics): oh. i guess it all worked out for the best, huh? how do you figure? well, think about it. if mia had been living here when candy kicked me out and i came back... would've been a very awkward situation. oh! alan: charlie? huh? oh. yeah. awkward. ♪ men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ah. ♪ men. ♪

and you know what i walked out with? [ slurps ] [ dad ] a new passat. [ dad ] 0% apr. 60 months. done and done. [ dad ] in that driveway, is a german-engineered piece of awesome. that i got for 0% apr. good one, dad. thank you, dalton. [ male announcer ] it's the car you won't stop talking about. ever. hurry in to the volkswagen best. thing. ever. event. and get 0% apr for 60 months, now until september 3rd. that's the power of german engineering. and get 0% apr for 60 months, now until september 3rd. phil, phil, phil, you're my bookie, not my psychiatrist.

if i want to bet every single game in the country with money i don't have, that's my business. thank you. now, let's talk boxing. really? there's no fights anywhere tonight? okay, well, how are you and your wife getting along? what? it'd be a fair fight. she's got, like, 50 pounds on you. hello? my luck. i got to have a bookie who's afraid to fight out of his weight class. aren't you a little worried that all this betting might be turning into a problem? alan, if you don't bet big, you can't cover your losses. and if you can't cover your losses, a large man with a tire iron puts your address into mapquest, at which point, you have to sneak across the mexican border dressed in women's clothing. now that's when you have a problem. well, you know best. you hungry? i made your favorite sandwich.

turkey, ham and pastrami. gobble. (snorts) (os) no, thanks. okay. uh, how about something sweet? key lime pie. yummy, yummy. look, alan, i appreciate your sucking up, but you can't fill the gaping wound in my heart with deli meat. and pie. yummy. can't we just leave it alone? can we not grind on and on about the stupidest thing i've ever done? okay, okay, i'm sorry i said that. giving up mia was not the stupidest thing you've ever done. it certainly wasn't as stupid as when you came back from rio with that gorgeous model-- you know, the one with the adam's apple and the really big hands? you know, i'm going to give you some space. maybe go for a nice drive. (door opens) forgot my keys. aah! oh!

uh, you know what? they-they must have slipped out of my pocket and into the couch. um... excuse me. sorry. (grunting) right. sorry. (grunting) oh. found some change. oh, uh, look. is that a quarter in your ear? aah! tada! very impressive. ♪ men. man: ♪ hey-eh, he-ee, ya-ah, oh-oh ♪ ♪ hey-ey, he-ee, ya-ah, oh-oh, oh ♪ (high-pitched): ♪ ahh... (man scat singing scales) what is that? steven tyler rented the house next door.

(singing continues) the-the guy from aerosmith? i lost my virginity to him. you-you know, his music. thanks. i was confused. (loud, howling scat singing) apparently getting ready for a tour. so what's...? (loud scat singing continues) ...in the box? oh, i just went out and picked you up a little something i thought might put a smile on your face. alan, the only thing in this box that could possibly put a smile on my face is your severed head. (laughing) good one. zing! come on, open it. (scat singing continues) a hat? a very expensive hat. since when do i wear hats? well, you don't, but, uh, i saw it, and it seemed so you. you know, cool, rakish, yet forgiving.

okay, fine, i forgive you. oh, thanks. thanks. aren't you going to try it on? no. if you really forgave me, you'd try it on. oh, yeah. that is you. let's, uh, let's try tilting it a little bit here. oh, baby. (laughing): you got to see this. yeah, come on inside, we'll take a look. charlie, you coming? what's going on? you should leave, alan. why? just trust me. all right. (scat singing continues) (scat singing continues loudly)

hey, tyler, take a pause for the cause! ah, sorry, man. (shouting): thank you and good night! hi, charlie. rose. how cool is it that steven tyler moved in next door? i lost my virginity to him. you mean his music? no. nice hat. thanks. boy, you look like hell. well, that's strange, 'cause i feel like crap. how long do you think you can keep it up? what exactly are we talking about? the excessive drinking, the obsessive partying, the compulsive gambling. oh. hard to say. i try and take it one day at a time. you do realize this is all just an attempt to avoid feeling your feelings. let me tell you something about feelings. feelings are like your mother's breasts. you know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.

it's an interesting analogy, but may i point out that a mother's breasts are a source of nourishment and comfort? yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and russian vodka. not good for child-rearing, but she was a big hit at parties. charlie, i know how much it hurt you to give up mia, and i know you don't like that feeling, but the more you try to get rid of it, the more it's going to come back. oh, yeah. perfect fit. it's like somebody measured your head while you were asleep so when your brother called she could tell him the size. ♪ men. hey, uncle charlie, guess where i'm finally growing hair. come on, man, i'm eating. right here. i'm growing a 'stache. oh, yeah. look at that. hey, cool hat. whose is it?

yours. really? yeah. it looks great with the 'stache. you know, it just occurred to me that i have been feeling guilty because you called off your wedding to mia so that i wouldn't have to move out. but then when i did move out, you didn't call her. yeah, so? so, you know why i think you didn't call her? you didn't call her because the whole i don't want to throw my brother out on the street business was a very convenient and noble excuse to get out of the marriage. that's what you think, huh? yes, that's what i think. that's what you think? you heard me. that's what i think. yeah, well... think again. admit it, charlie, i've been beating myself up, buying you pie and hats for nothing. (deep voice): there's pie? there was. berta ate it. and-and...and why is he wearing your hat? i gave it to him. i bought this hat for you. and i gave it to jake. you can't commit to anything, can you?

it's just a hat! it's not just a hat. it's a symbol. of what? of...okay, it's just a hat, but the point is, you have nobody to blame for your miserable, lonely existence but yourself. and you can drink, gamble and hump all you want, but one day, you're going to have to face that fact. drink, gamble and hump! yeah, well, i don't have to face anything i don't want to face, and i don't have to feel anything i don't want to feel, and that includes mom's vodka knockers. who is this vod kanockers that you speak of? eat your dinner. the name's kanockers. vod kanockers. ♪ men. charlie? shh.

you okay? just dandy. would you close the blinds? come on, let's get you inside. looks like you had a tough night. (grunts) no, the night was great. it's the morning that's killing me. hey, alan? what? you were right. i can't keep running away from my feelings. well, i'm glad you realize that. you're a wonderful brother. and this is a beautiful hat. thank you. (charlie retching) charlie, you okay? i'm fine. the hat's not so good. ♪ men.

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oh yeah! i put my pants on one leg at a time except my pants are 22 different flavors. but other than that, i'm completely normal. [ male announcer ] now introducing new kool-aid liquid. smile, it's kool-aid.

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you know that's my juice. i know. you could at least ask. you could at least pay rent. touché. (phone ringing) if that's a bookie or a woman, you know what to say. harper residence. sorry, he's dead. interesting. no one ever calls back to find out where to send flowers. touché. berta: how's it feel to go a whole week without booze, broads or betting? it's actually kind of a relief. i never realized how much effort it took to avoid feeling anything. yeah? well, what are you feeling now? so far, mostly nausea and boredom. touché. you don't know what that means, do you? not a clue. hey, if girls with big boobs work at hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? ihop!

that's just cruel. (chuckling): actually, it's kind of funny. yeah, 'cause they got one leg, they have to hop. i hop. (laughing) tipping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning. (laughing) it's not that funny. i know. then why are you laughing so much? i don't know. dad, something's wrong with uncle charlie. what's going on? (laughing): hey, jake, tell your dad how one-legged girls work at ihop. oh, no. i gave away the joke. i'm so sorry, jake. (voice breaking): i've ruined everything. is he okay? he's fine. his feelings are coming to the surface.

oh, like when mom gets pms. well, kind of. hang on, uncle charlie. i'll get you some chocolate. ♪ men. what's he making out there? a lanyard. he's got a lot of free time now, so i gave him one of jake's old hobby kits. you know, so he'd have something to do. i'm surprised he's not making a vagina out of macaroni and bottle caps. over, loop, around. 'round the block and then downtown. (harmonica playing blues) over, over. loop, around. 'round the block, and then... yo, dude, some of us are trying to do crafts here! tyler: what?! can you lay off the harmonica-playing? hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.

they pay to hear you sing. they tolerate the harmonica! sorry i don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame ass jingle-writer! all right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end. now, now, now, now, let's slow down here. come on. tyler: let's see what you've got, jingle balls. okay, i'm gonna rip off your big, fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass! charlie, please, please. you know your emotions are a little bit frayed right now. right, right. okay, okay. i'm better. (tyler imitating chicken) that's it! no, charlie. charlie, wait! charlie, don't do this! charlie: come on, tyler, you want a piece of me? well, the dude may look like a lady, but you fight like a little girl. did it ever occur to you to help me out? well, yeah, but once you were cowering under his picnic table, i figured the worst was over. oh, quick thinking squirting that bottle of sunblock at him. i was hoping it would get in his eyes and blind him.

yeah, well, all you did was keep him from getting a nasty burn while he beat the crap out of you. please, alan, i'm begging you. okay. it's not right to kick a man when he's down. thanks. too bad steven tyler didn't feel that way, huh? you were right about mia. i got cold feet, so i used you as an excuse to call off the wedding. i am so proud of you, charlie. this-this is a real breakthrough. doesn't it feel liberating to finally hear yourself admit the truth? well, i feel something. but since i'm also hearing a high-pitched whistle, it might just be a concussion. ♪ men.

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but instead she gives him capri sun. with absolutely no artificial preservatives. but instead she gives him capri sun. what you making? a needlepoint sampler. no kidding. i find it very calming, and the message helps center me. "god bless vicoden?" pretty good, huh? you spelled vicodin wrong. (knock at door) that's the great thing about vicodin. i don't care. hey, is charlie here? uh, who may i say is calling?

it's okay, alan. hey, chazz, thanks for the gift. you're welcome. so no hard feelings? nah. you? why would i have hard feelings? i'm still pickin' pieces of your ass out of my boot. good one. okay, well, good luck with the tour. thanks a lot, man. who's the sponsor? metamucil? what was that? nothing, nothing. um, i just want to say, i'm a huge fan. um, i lost my virginity to you. really? well, you know, there's a lot of the '70s i don't remember. isn't that the hat i got you? yeah. the hat you threw up in? i had it cleaned... but i'll always know.

♪ men.

[music] [music]

shut the door! hey, ray. and don't step -- don't walk anywhere! you're freaking me out, man. what's going on? i lost the hamster -- ally's hamster. oh, no. he got out? yes, he got out. what the hell? come on. look, debra and the kids are going to be home in an hour. you got to help me look for him. they leave you alone for one weekend, and the only other living thing in the house needs to run away.

[ superfan ] helper help line. we're on our way. you have got to try this sweet & sour chicken helper. i didn't know they made chicken! crunchy taco or four cheese lasagna? there's 40 different flavors? that's really good. i love cheese. dad's night. helper makes daddy the man. yes. could i get another one of those, actually? thank you. [ male announcer ] hey, america, we're here to help. americashelper.com. we'reyou're supposed whatto help me.ing? would you look at these crumbs?

the way debra keeps this kitchen, it's a miracle this place isn't infested with hamsters. he's not in the basement. dad, just so you know -- we want the hamster brought back alive. that's up to him. all right, i checked out the entire top floor, and no sign of pumpernickel. by the way, you shouldn't hide valuables in your top drawer, and you could use some new underwear, raymond. i'll put it on the list, dear. they're going to be back in an hour. i'm going to get a new hamster. you can't do that. why not? they all look alike. she'll never know. you would lie to your daughter like that? i'm not going to lie. i'm just going to say, "here's your hamster, honey." i'm telling ally. will you just mind your business? you're not going to find one that looks the same. oh, yeah, where am i going to find a brown hamster?