i cannot be a party to that lie. you just keep your mouth shut, copper. don't tell me to shut up. yeah, how about i make you, huh? huh? how about i'm right over here? stop -- stop it! be nice, boys. all right, now we all need a break. let's have a snack, and maybe if pumpernickel hears us enjoying our food, he'll join us. he can have some of yours. he's not getting any of mine. dad... what? i'm trying to move it. could you get up? give me a ride. marie: aah! robert: what is it, ma? what? oh, boy. there he is. where? right there.

what? all i see is fudge pops. look at the hairy one on the left. what? holy crap. what did you do? what did i do? what, you think i put him in there? i don't know how he got in there. he climbed into an airtight freezer by himself? i don't know how this could've happened. i-i cleaned out the hamster cage, and i must not have snapped the cage back together tight enough, and then i went grocery shopping. did you have the groceries on the table? he must have climbed into the bag that had the fudge pops. look -- look at his whiskers. they're all fudgey.

his last meal. poor pumpernickel. ally is going to hate me. hey, give me one of those. will you get out of here? wait a minute. he may not be dead. what, are you kidding? you could crack a walnut with that thing. no, i'm serious. he may be cryogenically preserved in a state of suspended animation. he's dead, all right? i have to buy another one now. okay, look, not necessarily, ray. we may be able to resuscitate him. hey, let's toss him in the microwave. all right, all right, that's it. i'm taking over this operation. ma, get me some towels. dad, i need some ice. raymond, a cooler. we're evacuating pumpernickel to the vet. let's go. move, move. robert, the vet is not going to revive a hamster, okay? these are disposable pets. what about your daughter's feelings, ray?

are those disposable? all right -- no, it's not all right! i happen to care about a little girl whose heart is going to break if she finds out that her daddy didn't do everything he could to save the life of her precious hamster. now, damn it, raymond, get me that cooler! hey, ray, you forgot to fill the ice trays. well, then we'll just pack him with fudge pops. what about this box of fish sticks? oh, throw them in, too. when debra comes home, i'll show her how to cook a real fish. debra. frank, get up. huh? come on. this place is a mess. you haven't done a thing. hey, leave me alone. i'm taking a break.

what have you been doing? i not only straightened out the kitchen, i scrubbed the countertops and i-i cleaned out the freezer. and you celebrated with a bottle of hooch? hey, we're home. hi, grandma. hi, grandpa. hey, sweetheart. frank? hi, sweetheart. oh, this isn't mine. this is mommy's. marie, where's ray? oh, raymond had to rush out, but he should be back soon. why does my living room look like a frat house? i, uh, didn't notice any difference really. hi, daddy. oh, hey -- hey, everybody, you're home. hi. hey. hi. how was your visit? oh, boy, i missed you. how's your father? how's his thing? he's got a knee -- what did he have, a knee? oh, he got a new car -- he got a new car. ray... wh-what happened here?

oh, nothing. unh-unh. why? what's that? oh -- oh, we, uh, we gave pumpernickel a ride in robert's police car. yeah, yeah. he liked it, too. rode the whole way with his, uh, head out the window. this isn't pumpernickel. daddy, where's pumpernickel? um... um... pumpernickel sleeps with the fish sticks. "these are exactly what says... i wanted"

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you know, ally, it's my understandingever, that freezing is a virtually painless way to go. unlike marriage where the pain is -- frank. can i see pumpernickel? oh, no, ally -- yeah, sure, honey, you can go see him.

what? well, it's important for closure. closure. reading books again? why is he covered in chocolate? some of the fudge pops must have melted. michael: fudge pops? geoffrey: give me, give me! debra: no, no, no! get out of there! no. there's cookies in the kitchen. go on. go, go, go. come here, sweetheart. you know, the important thing to know, ally, is that pumpernickel is in heaven. not really. frank. not real heaven. not people heaven. there's only one heaven. for your information, there's a whole separate heaven for animals. and just where did you learn that? it's in the bible. like you've read the bible. i've read plenty of damn bibles.

do all animals go to heaven or just pets? all animals go to people heaven with us, dear -- yep. people heaven is for people. your grandma's been hitting the sauce. all right, thank you -- thanks for clearing that up. do some animals go to hell? we don't use those words, ally. bad animals go to hell, kid. believe you me, i know. when i was your age there was this mean old german shepherd named ilsa. i was walking to school one day, and i must have crossed too close to her territory. in those days the germans were very sensitive about their territory. well, that's all it took for fraeulein ilsa -- the nazi she-wolf -- to jump out and take a hunk out of my all-american hide. i still have the scar. you want to see it?

i'll show you. dad, dad, dad! what are you doing? sit down. oh, all right. the point is -- fraeulein ilsa is probably in hell right now dragging her nazi butt across the devil's carpet. thank you for that heartwarming story. look, ally, i'm very sorry that this happened, but now it's time to meet your brand-new hamster. no, thanks. oh, come on. look -- he -- he looks just like the old pumpernickel, and the guy at the store told me that in a couple years he might... fly. ray, don't tell her that. all right, all right, so he won't -- h-he's not going to fly, but he did say that -- that he's magical.

ray. his personality! no, dad. oh, come on, ally, just take a look. he's a cute little replacement. i don't want a replacement, daddy! i think that's exactly what she needs -- a replacement daddy. could you go home, please? and take these two theologians with you. lookit -- you don't understand, sweetie. when a child's pet dies, she has to go through a grieving process before she can take on a new pet. all right, you can read. we get it.

isn't it a little morbid to make such a big deal out of this? no, it's not morbid. it's reality. oh, come on. it's a hamster. just -- just leave her alone and she'll get over it. you know what i think would be healthy for all the kids? if we have a formal goodbye ceremony for pumpernickel. ray can dig a hole in the back yard. i'm not digging a hole. you're digging a hole. i will get a shoebox. okay, i'll put out the cold cuts. i'll get some beer. all right, let's put on a funeral. hey... how's it going? i'm digging through solid rock in a rainstorm. how do you think it's going? what, are you made of sugar? it's barely drizzling.

ow! careful, honey. why don't you dig this hole? this is all your fault anyway, you know? you should've told me about that broken piece on the hamster cage. hey, if you were a little more involved, you'd pick up on these details. oh, really? maybe i make this hole a little bigger. oh, come on, dad. again with the metal detector? what are you doing? your mother's birthday is coming up. yeah, well, there's nothing here but dirt and rocks. that's better than what he got me last year. all right, ally, why don't you -- we'll put the box in, and then i'll put the dirt on it. wait. i want everybody to say something about pumpernickel first. yeah. we'll all take a handful of dirt

and toss it in. what are you doing? that's what she wants. it's raining, honey. look, we should do this ally's way. you want to get under my umbrella? i'm wonderful right where i am, thank you very much. daddy, would you like to start? oh, i don't know, honey. why don't we let grandpa start? go ahead. grandpa? robert: uh, dad, could you power down for a second? huh? oh, oh, oh, oh. all right, all right. uh, pumpernickel... liked the hamster, love the bread. next! grandma? okay, dear. even though pumpernickel has gone from this earth, i know he'll always be looking down at us from heaven -- people heaven. all right, go ahead, uncle robert. [ clears throat ] death...

the final goodbye. the ultimate toodleoo... or maybe -- maybe death is not the end. maybe it's a beginning. perhaps it's the ultimate howdy-do. are you kidding me, are you kidding me? what's the matter, ray -- too deep for you? oh, god. go ahead, robert. you know, i have come to the conclusion that when i die, i would like to die like pumpernickel -- quietly, painlessly, chocolate fudge pop stuck to the corner of my mouth. for that, my friends, must be a happy death. aloha -- which means goodbye and hello.

all right. same with shalom. shut up. one meaning. all right, ray. your turn, mommy. okay, well, i've always felt very close to pumpernickel, especially since i did a lot of the feeding and the cleaning and, you know, most of the work... so pumpernickel's passing is going to leave a big hole in my life. i can't imagine what i'll do with the time. so long, pumpernickel. michael. ally, why don't we do the twins as a set, okay? 'cause it's raining. ray, if you want to come under my umbrella, just -- hey, no talking. hamster funeral. i miss you, pumpernickel.

geoffrey. i miss you, too, pumpernickel. now my turn. i'll miss you, too, pumpernickel. you were my best friend, and you still are. don't worry, pumpernickel. you'll always be with me 'cause i'll never forget you. your turn, daddy. uh... um... i didn't, uh, have much contact with -- i didn't know pumpernickel very well. uh, the only thing i remember is when we brought him back from the pet store, and ally wanted me to hold him,

so i reached out to grab him, and he bit me on the finger, and it hurt, so daddy said a bad word. but ally picked up the -- pumpernickel, and -- and she showed me -- she showed me how to hold him. like this... right? i never noticed until just now how grown up you are. the way you were with your friend, and what you said just now. you really -- you really seem grown up. i'm proud of you.

damn hamster. daddy... can we get a rabbit tomorrow? yeah, guys, whatever you want. children: cool. a rabbit! yeah! whoo! yeah, cool. a rabbit. [ door closes ] rabbit -- that's a bigger hole. ♪ ♪

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you all laughed at me, huh? big waste of time, huh? huh? i think i'll buy myself a yoo-hoo. there goes my birthday present. captioning made possible by talk productions

i'm under the gun here to finish a chapter, so i was wondering if you could kind of pick up the slack here till i'm done. my whole life is picking up the slack. i know, i know, i know, but, look, all i need is one day without any distractions. all right. i'll take the kids for the rest of today. you happy? that's great, but today is not really a full day when you consider that it's already 2:30 --

what do you want, ray? the publisher wants to see some stuff as soon as possible. the only time i could work on it would be this weekend. this weekend is our camping trip with the parkers. oh, oh, that's right, that's right. hmm. you want me to go camping without you with all the kids? are you insane? all right, it's a little extra slack. i know. yeah, listen, you waste time for over a year, and then you expect me to suffer so you can finally start getting serious? you don't think i'm going to suffer? i'm sacrificing the most precious thing of all -- time with my children, huh? you don't think i got "cat's in the cradle" playing up here? i think you got two monkeys and a yo-yo playing up there. yeah. you don't want me to be an author, that's what it is, 'cause there will be a book tour and then the groupies.

[ chuckles ] now there's a sad bunch of women. yeah. sad but happy, if you know what i mean. i don't know what you mean. come on. what, do you want me to beg? i'm no good at asking for help. it's my biggest flaw. [ laughs ] oh, don't be mean. come on, feel bad for me. help me. it's my dream to write a book. oh, god. oh, all right, ray. ha ha. you love my yo-yo monkeys. all right, but, listen, while we're gone, you work. yes. right. absolutely. you do not play golf, you do not watch tv. right, right. no fun. i'm not kidding, ray. i know. no kidding. no fun. i promise. stop looking at me. and, you know, if you break that promise, i'll know. i know you'll know,

and then -- then you'll have to punish me. oh, i'll punish you. oh, yeah? seriously, ray, i'll hurt you. work, ray.

okay, you guys go straight upstairs -- go right to the bath. don't touch anything. hi, dears. hi, grandma. hi. welcome back, debra. how was your camping vacation? what's going on? raymond said you weren't getting back until tomorrow. yeah, i know, but between the rain and the bugs and the kids going nuts, i decided we had enough vacation. is he in the office?

hi, hi. oh, you're all muddy. what are you doing, ray? okay, all right, listen, i-i know what you're thinking -- really? then why aren't you protecting yourself? listen, i finished, okay? i ended up working through the night, and i finished the first chapter. this morning i was able to knock off the second, then i faxed it over to the guy. raymond worked very hard so he could get it all done so he could have some time to relax -- like you. ray, after everything we discussed, how could you go out -- [ telephone rings ] yeah, hello. yeah, this is me. i got to take this. i'm sorry. hello. oh, hi, robbie. you want some angel food cake and chocolate sauce? of course.

listen, i have some news -- hey, how come he got so much chocolate sauce? you got the same amount. no, no, no. look at all that chocolate sauce. you told me i couldn't have any more chocolate sauce 'cause you didn't have enough, huh? i get two drops, and he gets a river. it's a lake. look how much he gets. how do you explain that? what, are you messing with my head? well, i can't mess with your hair. all right, listen, um, i wanted you guys to know -- ray, i just want to understand one thing -- why is it your mission in life to avoid spending time with your family? that was my agent. he said the publisher read my stuff, and they decided they don't want me to write the book. oh, ray, i'm sorry. i-i don't understand. what happened? i don't know, ma.

guess they didn't think it was good. were there spelling errors? it's the yankees. how can you screw that up? i don't know. hey, i'm -- i'm sorry, raymond. obviously this is a-a bad time. i'm just going to take my cake and go home. did you need something, robert? oh, no, no. it's nothing. what's the matter, robbie? no -- no, really. it can wait. it's nothing. what the hell is wrong with you? i... i made lieutenant. [ all gasp ]

i passed the test. i-i'm going to have to wait till somebody retires, but they're going to promote me. oh -- oh, wow. congratulations, robert. that is great. thank you. uh, yeah, hey, uh, way to go there, son. lieutenant. that's really up there. it's very -- very exciting news, robbie. it's very exciting. my son -- a lieutenant. oh, i am so happy for you. this is really great, robert. isn't it, ray?