>> announcer: the following is a paid presentation for kymaro's curve control jeans. we've all fallen victim to it--

the dreaded muffin top, the bulges, the infamous rear end cleavage, and let's not forget that awful flat-as-a-pancake derriere-- but whatever you want to call it, these are the reasons why we fear reaching for those jeans. >> the muffin top is so embarrassing. it's one of the most unflattering things, and i struggle with it all the time. >> it's embarrassing, this... i got these bulges here, loose material here, it's sagging in the butt, it... no shape whatsoever. >> announcer: it's so frustrating. jeans are a staple in every woman's closet, and why not? they're the only fashion item to never go out of style, but why does it always seem that high-quality fashion looks great but never fits great? >> hi, i'm julia parker, and i'm back with another incredible offer by kymaro. today's show is very special. you're gonna hear some personal and touching stories from kymaro customers just like you. now, it's amazing what they have to say. plus we're going back inside a retail store to let

some unsuspecting shoppers try the curve control jeans for the very first time. so don't go anywhere, because kymaro also has a new offer you don't want to miss. >> announcer: so say good-bye to all the frustration and say hello to the latest denim craze: kymaro's curve control jeans. >> i'm stephanie, i'm an actual customer for kymaro jeans. i bought them when i saw the commercial and i'm so happy i did-- i love the jeans. they've, um, they've made me feel slimmer and trimmer and they've, um, they've shaped me better... they just... they're great, they always look nice. um, i really love 'em. >> my name is patty and i'm a true curve control customer. i bought these jeans off tv because these women looked so great once they put 'em on and truly it makes your waist look smaller, it fits in the back, and it makes your stomach flatter, so, uh, they're the best things i could ever have gotten. >> my name's megan and i, um, bought these jeans off of the

kymaro jeans commercial that i saw one evening, and they fit great. i just... i love 'em, they're wonderful, um, fit great around the waist. the length is perfect for me 'cause i'm very tall, so, um, i would definitely recommend these jeans-- they're wonderful. i love them. >> i don't know how they do it. i mean, these jeans fit me perfectly. they have somehow constructed these in a way that fit my body as if i went to the tailor and had them done for my body shape, period. >> i have never bought any clothing over the tv or the internet until i watched this infomercial. i really, really love my jeans. >> i love the curve control jeans-- oh, they're amazing. i call them magical jeans. they do everything that i want. they are a miracle. i just love 'em, i... when i looked in the mirror, i felt so sexy, i just wanted to go out and show everybody. they are amazing.

>> now, noted designer katie rice jones and myself are going inside a popular retail store to put the curve control jeans to the ultimate test. now, these are real people, with real results. you won't believe your eyes. ...now we have heidi, who is here shopping today, right? >> mm-hmm, yes. >> well, thank you for stopping. >> you're welcome. >> what are you shopping for today? >> i am trying to find a pair of jeans that fits. >> katie: and why don't these jeans fit you? >> uh, look at 'em. i mean... [all laugh] they, they're way too tight on my hips and they look terrible... they make my stomach look terrible, and, i mean, after, you know, i had my two children, my stomach is now really out of control, and so... >> mm-hmm, i had the same thing. >> so a pair of jeans that doesn't fit you right just makes you look worse. >> katie: well, maybe showing off your curves a little too much? >> yeah, a little bit... >> well, you know, we want to embrace the curves, 'cause that's very important-- we're all ladies, right? >> that's right. >> um, but... from what i see from the pants that you're wearing, there's some pulling here... >> yuck... >> right at the crotch area... >> yeah. >> your jeans are trying to accommodate your hips. >> yeah. >> so we want to get a

pair of jeans that has a little bit more stretch in them... >> mm-hmm. >> as well as... i've noticed you're wearing a heel. >> yes. >> so, you're trying to look a little more tall... taller or...? >> it would be nice, being only 5'2", it would be nice to look a little bit taller than i am. >> well, i have the pair of jeans for you right here. >> mm-hmm... >> you've gotten measured earlier. >> oh, please don't bring that up! [laughter] >> o.k., well, i want you to take these jeans into the dressing room... >> o.k. >> try them on, and you're gonna be amazed at the change in your measurements when you come out. >> all right, i'll... >> katie: doll-a-rama. >> i will try them on. >> yes. [laughs] >> both: wow...! >> julia: look at you! >> katie: oh, my god! spectacular! like, two snaps! i mean, you look... >> look at my booty. [laughs] >> i mean, really, yes, seriously! >> these are fantastic! i love these jeans! >> we flattened down your tummy. >> oh, my gosh, my tummy... look at my tummy! it hasn't looked this good since i had my kids! >> yeah, see? >> it looks great. >> and there's less stretching here in the crotch area. >> yes, perfect. >> it's all one color, one rinse, so it's very slimming, longer-looking legs. >> i can't believe how tall i look, i, i look great!

>> and this little special detail back here perks the rump. >> aha... >> mm-hmm. >> we're gonna remeasure you and prove to you how much you've slimmed down with kymaro's curve control jeans. >> o.k. >> you ready? >> i'm ready. >> o.k., your stomach measurement is... >> the waist is 39. >> heidi: wow! >> julia: yes, and the hips are...? >> 46-1/2. >> katie: wow. >> you've slimmed down four inches... >> oh, my gosh! >> instantly! >> you go, girl. >> whoo-hoo! >> what do you think about that? >> i love it, it's fantastic! >> katie: no exercise, just the jeans! [all laugh] >> heidi: these are my new best friends. [all laugh] wow! >> julia: well, thank you so much for joining us today... >> you're welcome. >> i'm so glad you're happy with the jeans. >> cute! >> just another satisfied customer with heidi here. thank you souch. >> you're welcome, thank you. >> announcer: we've all fallen victim to it-- the dreaded muffin top, the bulges, the infamous rear end cleavage, and let's not forget that awful flat-as-a-pancake derriere-- but whatever you want to call it, these are the reasons why we fear reaching for those jeans.

it's so frustrating. jeans are a staple in every woman's closet, and why not? they're the only fashion item to never go out of style, but why does it always seem that high-quality fashion looks great but never fits great? well, kymaro's got the answer, so say good-bye to all the frustration and say hello to the latest denim craze: kymaro's curve control jeans. this special, patent-pending design will lift your bottom, flatten your stomach and slim down your thighs, giving you that incredible, sexy look you've been searching for. finally, specially designed jeans that fit any body type. these amazing jeans work the same way as shapewear, but are all jean, so there isn't any uncomfortable material that's tit and binding. not even your husband will be able to tell that these sexy new jeans hold the amazing shaping powers of kymaro's curve control jeans. simply call and give your pants size and our sizing specialists will guarantee you a perfect

fit, and if for any reason the jeans don't fit, kymaro will exchange the jeans free of charge, so there's no risk involved. you won't have to spend a million bucks to look like a million bucks. designer jeans can cost $200 to $300 or more, but thanks to kymaro, you don't have to spend $300 or $200, not even $100. curve control jeans by kymaro have become one of the most popular shaping jeans ever available. if you call right now, you can get yours direct from the manufacturer for the incredibly low price of only $39.95. stop! hold everything! at kymaro, we understand that times are tough and budgets are tight, but we believe that you still need to look good and feel good, so for the first time ever, we're extending a one-time-only offer to the first 50,000 callers. now you can get the kymaro curve control jeans for the unbelievably low price of only $29.95.

yes, you heard right! $29.95! but this is only available for a limited time and you must act now. and it gets even better! for those occasions when jeans aren't appropriate and you still would like to look your best, you can get the popular kymaro bottom shaper shorts for free with your order. yes, free! just pay the small processing fee. kymaro bottom shaper shorts will smooth out hips and thighs, lift your derriere and eliminate saddlebags, leaving you with smooth lines and sexy curves. you can go from this to this instantly. choose from nude or black. but wait-- this incredible offer just keeps getting better and better. introducing our new kymaro cami! this unique shaper has adjustable clear straps that will work with all your outfits. you can look slim and trim in all the latest fashions.

for a limited time, you can also get the kymaro cami free with your order. this is yet another $40 value free! just pay the small processing fee. choose from nude or black. and remember the kymaro guarantee: if for any reason you are not completely satisfied, simply return the jeans, and the bottom shaper and the cami are yours to keep. no questions asked. there's no other jeans on the market that even come close to kymaro's curve control jeans. we will have a size for u. be one of the first 50,000 lucky callers and call right now. >> if you have any hesitation about ordering the kymaro curve control jeans, just remember that we offer a money-back sizing guarantee, and if you're still not ready to order, just listen to what our customers are saying about kymaro. >> well, my name is judy and i've never owned a pair of jeans ever in my life because nothing ever fit right, and, um,

when i found your commercial on tv, i thought i would try a pair because of the way they looked like they fit. there was a little trepidation in buying something right off the tv, but the way they demonstrated it on television showing actual people being fitted and what it did for those folks, it definitely... exactly what they say. it is true to form. they do exactly what they promise to do. i would highly recommend these to anybody who's listening to my call right now. you will bamazed at the way they fit. >> aren't you tired of trying on several pairs of jeans to find the one perfect pair? now, ladies, kymaro has made it so easy. simply call and give your pant size and our sizing specialists will guarantee you a perfect fit. now, there's no risk involved, and if for any reason they don't fit, kymaro will exchange the jeans free of charge. so, what are you waiting for?

>> these jeans did slim me down a total of 7-1/2 inches and... wow, that's awesome. >> i have slimmed down six inches, no joke, and... i just love 'em and i'm sure you will too. >> the amazing thing is that these slim me down nine inches just by their curve control and the stretch, and that's pretty amazing. the minute you put 'em on, slimmer. mine was nine inches, a total of nine inches slimmer. >> i slimmed down 11 inches out of my waist by putting these jeans on and i was very, very impressed on the way i looked. >> now, eliza has been shopping in the store today, and she was so nice to stop by... thank you for joining us. >> yeah. >> so what are you shopping for today... and first of all, who is this gentleman behind you? >> oh, this is my husband, can't you tell? >> with the purse. [women laugh and comment...] >> excited. [laughter] >> so, are you shopping for anything specific today? >> jeans. >> and how do you like

the jeans you're wearing today? >> um, i like 'em all right. he seems to like 'em. he... he thinks they look good on me, so... [julia laughs] >> and what do you think? >> yeah, what do you think? >> they're all right. like, unfortunately, it's kind of... they feel bulky and they kind of pull a little here and... [lowers voice]: i have to wear... i have to wear a shaper. >> oh, is that a secret? >> it was a secret. >> oh, boy... oh, boy, oh... show 'em the shaper. come on, let's reveal the shaper here. >> here's the shaper. >> wow, yeah. >> supposed to... >> and that's not that comfortable, when you have to wear a shaper under stiff jeans already... >> it's not. >> julia: and i think it would be hot too. >> katie: yeah, and uncomfortable. >> absolutely. >> and also what happens a lot of times when you have to wear a shaper under jeans is you get the, is they give you the "double muffin top." >> mm-hmm. >> so i would think you'd want a pair of jeans that really smoothes you out but then keeps the nice... rump? >> yeah. >> maybe? o.k. >> absolutely. >> your husband says yes. >> yes. [laughs] i think we might have just the thing for you. i'd love to put you in a pair of curve control jeans, 'cause i think they're exactly what you're looking for. >> all right. >> so, you ready

for the challenge? >> absolutely. >> here they are. what i want you to do is go into the dressing room and try them on. now, i know that you had measurements earlier. >> mm-hmm. >> well... see the face you're making? [laughs] you're gonna turn that around into a smile as soon as you try these on, because you won't need your shaper anymore. so, you ready? >> i am ready. >> o.k., there you go and we'll see you in a minute. >> o.k. >> oh...! >> katie: wow... wow! >> oh, my gosh! [gasps] look at my stomach! >> i know! >> look at... wow! it's so slim! oh, look at my... >> husband: your butt looks really good. >> [laughs] >> i think he just let out a deep breath. >> we all want to hear this from our husbands, n't we? i mean, did you hear what he just said? >> i did-- it was perfect. >> does it get your approval? >> oh, yeah. >> wow, that's a reaction... that's quite a good reaction. so, how... how do they feel? >> her face is turning red. >> yeah, yeah, yeah... how do they feel on? >> oh, they're so comfortable. >> because i think that's key for you is that they feel really comfortable... >> there's no bunchiness, and the whole... it's just nice and supportive on the sides here... >> oh, i'm glad you noticed that, because there's a little secret stitching there that actually

perked the rump. >> we're all talking about slimming down 10 pounds and how smaller you look. [eliza sighs] we measured you before... >> mm-hmm. >> we're gonna measure you again, so you can see, by just putting on a pair of jeans, how many inches you've slimmed down. >> 34-1/2... >> o.k. >> 41. >> o.k., you have slimmed down six inches... >> six... >> husband: whoa... >> six inches, just by putting on a pair of jeans. >> isn't that amazing? >> what do you think about that? >> oh... i'm a little speechless-- it's just amazing to me. >> katie: yeah. >> you know, i was considering a tummy tuck. >> katie: huh, o.k. >> i don't think i need one anymore. >> katie: i don't think you need one either! >> so thank you so much for stopping by and trying these jeans on for us, and i'm so glad you're so happy with kymaro's curve control jeans. >> shopping at the mall is fun if you go with your friends and you're just going to, you know, sort of shop and look around, but when you're serious and you want to buy a pair of jeans and you need something, it's always, you know, a hassle. it's very rare that you get a salesperson that can come and bring you your different sizes and stand at your door and help

you out, and by the time i'm done, i'm always exhausted. i don't want to... i don't even care anymore, i just get something that works for that... you know, for whatever i need, and then i leave, and it's not very fun, so it was totally different buying kymaro and calling up, no problem, they were there very shortly and it was... they were perfect. >> i try and buy classy jeans but a little bit on the less expensive side, because i know i have to then go spend another 30, $40 getting the waist tapered, but these jeans fit me perfectly, and they're so affordable. it's like i'm getting a win/win situation: now i've got jeans that fit me perfectly and i don't have to spend a whole lot of money on 'em, so i couldn't be happier with the price of these jeans. >> you shouldn't have a fear of ordering jeans off tv. um, it's very easy, you don't have to get in your car and go anywhere, you can, um, sit in your pajamas and order 'em, um, and be comfortable. and they come right to your doorstep and, um, it's a very simple process. >> i tell my friends about them all the time, i recommend them to people on the street when they compliment me. i say, "these are the best jeans

ever, and you definitely need to get them." >> every woman needs a pair of curve control jeans. >> i love the color of the curve control jeans. they're a dark color, so they're very slimming, as well as the fabric being light, they're very comfortable and, uh, they don't bulk you up-- they actually make you look slim, because of the thinness and the stretch. >> i bought my jeans over the, the tv, i called the 1-800 number, and the ladies that i talked to were very helpful and they told me the measurements i needed and, um, they said that it would be there at a certain time, and in fact i think they were a couple of days early. >> hi. we just met claire shopping in the store. hi, claire, how are you? >> how are you? >> hi, claire. >> and who are you shopping with today? >> this is my best friend, andrianna. >> with julia: hi, nice to meet you. [laughter] >> well, i see that you're shopping-- are you shopping for anything special? >> um, we're going back to school, so i want to be styling for the first day. >> o.k., and what... and i see that you're wearing these beautiful jeans. >> thanks. >> are you happy with them? >> not so much. >> how come?

>> um, actually, they give me a bit of a muffin top, um... >> women: mm-hmm... >> they're really low-rise, so i get a lot of... cheek action in the back. [julia laughs] and, um, they're not really my favorite length. they kind of drag in certain shoes. >> katie: well, they're not respecting your curves. you have beautiful curves... >> thank you. >> and these aren't doing the job for you at all-- i mean, they're basically flattening you out, they're making your thighs look a little bit wider. >> i saw that. >> you saw that? o.k. >> andrianna: she sort of has a lumpy look. >> a lumpy look, and that's because of the waistband: it's really tight, it's not stretching, so it's not allowing for your waist, so then your waist kind of goes over the waistband, and it's giving you a bit of that uni-butt in the back, sorry to say. yeah, just kind of flat, right? and we know you got something going on back there... [laughter] so we want to put you in a pair of jeans that's gonna really respect your curves. >> i could look forward to that. [laughter] >> katie: funny you should say that. you took measurements earlier... >> claire: yeah... we shouldn't discuss those. [laughter] >> you're gonna be amazed at the difference in your measurements after you try these on, so i want you to go into the dressing room right now and try them on,

o.k.? >> o.k. >> all right. >> we'll see you in a minute. >> i'll see you again. >> andrianna: i am so excited. [women exclaim] [laughter, applause] >> look at you! >> wow... >> katie: you are rockin' those jeans. >> julia: oh, and, and her height? you look taller... >> katie: and so much slimmer. >> ...if possible. yeah, you look amazing. >> aw, thank you, guys. >> what do you think? >> i feel great... awesome. >> katie: how do they feel different, you know, for you than the other ones? >> i feel thinner, i have my... junk in the trunk back. >> yeah, no uni-butt... [laughter] >> "how you doing?" [laughter] >> yeah, exactly, exactly. >> looks so much smoother. >> yeah, she does. there's no muffin top there anymore. i mean, the great thing about these jeans is whatever you put on with them will look better on you as well, so it just gives you like a style pick-me-up, amps up the style or the fashion quotient of what you're wearing, and your legs look so slim... so slim. >> so we can definitely say i get a "a". >> katie: you got an "a," you got an "a," yeah.

>> that's the question i have. you're so into fashion... what do you think about kymaro's curve control jeans? >> i can't believe i ever owned another pair. [laughter] where have you guys been hiding? >> julia: i love it-- another great success... from a fashionista. you look absolutely amazing. [laughs] you're glowing. [laughter] ...for those of you watching who still haven't tried the shaping powers of the kymaro curve control jeans, now it's your time to take advantage of an incredible value and find out how these jeans have changed the lives of millions of women across america. >> announcer: finally, specially designed jeans that fit any body type. these amazing jeans work the same way as shapewear, but are all jean, so there isn't any uncomfortable material that's tight and binding. not even your husband wi be able to tell that these sexy new jeans hold the amazing shaping powers of kymaro's curve control jeans. simply call and give your pants size and our sizing specialists

will guarantee you a perfect fit, and if for any reason the jeans don't fit, kymaro will exchange the jeans free of charge, so there's no risk involved. you won't have to spend a million bucks to look like a million bucks. designer jeans can cost $200 to $300 or more, but thanks to kymaro, you don't have to spend $300 or $200, not even $100. curve control jeans by kymaro have become one of the most popular shaping jeans ever available. if you call right now, you can get yours direct from the manufacturer for the incredibly low price of only $39.95. stop! hold everything! at kymaro, we understand that times are tough and budgets are tight, but we believe that you still need to look good and feel good, so for the first time ever, we're extending a one-time-only offer to the first 50,000 callers. now you can get the kymaro curve control jeans for the

unbelievably low price of only $29.95. yes, you heard right! $29.95! but this is only available for a limited time and you must act now. and it gets even better! for those occasions when jeans aren't appropriate and you still would like to look your best, you can get the popular kymaro bottom shaper shorts for free with your order. yes, free! just pay the small processing fee. kymaro bottom shaper shorts will smooth out hips and thighs, lift your derriere and eliminate saddlebags, leaving you with smooth lines and sexy curves. you can go from this to this instantly. choose from nude or black. but wait-- this incredible offer just keeps getting better and better. introducing our new kymaro cami! this unique shaper has adjustable clear straps that will work with all your outfits. you can look slim and trim in all the latest fashions.

for a limited time, you can also get the kymaro cami free with your order. this is yet another $40 value free! just pay the small processing fee. choose from nude or black. and remember the kymaro guarantee: if for any reason you are not completely satisfied, simply return the jeans, and the bottom shaper and the cami are yours to keep. no questions asked. there's no other jeans on the market that even come close to kymaro's curve control jeans. we will have a size for you. be one of the first 50,000 lucky callers and call right now. >> kymaro loves to hear from their customers and we get calls and letters daily, so let's hear from some of our kymaro customers right now. >> my name is meg and i am an actual customer of the curve control jeans. i absolutely love my kymaro jeans. i purchased them online probably about six months ago and they

still hold their shape and fit perfectly. when i ordered them, i wasn't sure, i'll admit, that i would like them, but to my amazement, these jeans were the most comfortable of any jeans i've every owned. the material is not binding, but it's soft, light and airy. the added bonus is these jeans make you look good too. if you're listening to me right now, i would highly recommend these jeans. the quality is excellent, so, thank you, kymaro, for my favorite jeans. >> worried about sizing? well, rest easy with the kymaro sizing guarantee. the special denim weave shapes and molds to your body unlike any other pair of jeans you've tried in the past, and we promise a perfect fit with our money-back sizing guarantee. >> you know, obviously it's always a question when you order

something that you haven't actually tried on, you know, whether or not it's gonna fit, but i felt so comfortable right when i called and the person on the other end of the line was confident about measurements and what size i normally wear and how tall i was and things like that, and, you know, they gave me the right size and it fit, and it's always nerve-wracking when you go to put on a pair of jeans that you ordered, like, what if it doesn't fit and then it's gonna feel, you know, you're gonna feel bad, but they fit great and it was perfect. >> and remember this, ladies: don't be fooled by other imitation products out there. there's only one curve control jeans by kymaro-- a name in health and beauty products you can trust. >> no way i would spend another dime on another pair of designer name-brand, because these jeans right here, they're inexpensive, they look better, they feel great on you and i would recommend anyone to try the kymaro jeans because they are the best. >> i would recommend that you think about picking up the phone right now and calling and

ordering yours too, because they are fabulous. >> so, if you're like me and you like designer jeans and things that just look really fashion-forward and, you know, edgy, these are something that will be a great part of your wardrobe. they're basic, at the same time they can be dressy. so they're really great, i highly recommend them. >> kymaro loves their customers and the customers love the curve control jeans. the people you've heard from today shared their real-life experiences because they want you at home to take advantage of these incredible jeans. so, what are you waiting for? if you're ready for a slimmer, sexier, more confident you, then you know what you have to do. pick up the phone and call right now. you'll be so happy you did. >> announcer: designer jeans can cost $200 to $300 or more, but thanks to kymaro, you don't have to spend $300 or $200, not even $100. curve control jeans by kymaro have become one of the most

popular shaping jeans ever available. if you call right now, you can get yours direct from the manufacturer for the incredibly low price of only $39.95. stop! hold everything! at kymaro, we understand that times are tough and budgets are tight, but we believe that you still need to look good and feel good, so for the first time ever, we're extending a one-time-only offer to the first 50,000 callers. now you can get the kymaro curve control jeans for the unbelievably low price of only $29.95. yes, you heard right! $29.95! but this is only available for a limited time and you must act now. and it gets even better! for those occasions when jeans aren't appropriate and you still would like to look your best, you can get the popular kymaro bottom shaper shorts for free with your order. yes, free! just pay the small processing fee. kymaro bottom shaper shorts will

smooth out hips and thighs, lift your derriere and eliminate saddlebags, leaving you with smooth lines and sexy curves. you can go from this to this instantly. choose from nude or black. but wait-- this incredible offer just keeps getting better and better. introducing our new kymaro cami! this unique shaper has adjustable clear straps that will work with all your outfits. you can look slim and trim in all the latest fashions. for a limited time, you can also get the kymaro cami free with your order. this is yet another $40 value free! just pay the small processing fee. choose from nude or black. and remember the kymaro guarantee: if for any reason you are not completely satisfied, simply return the jeans, and the bottom shaper and the cami are yours to keep. no questions asked. there's no other jeans on the market that even come close to

kymaro's curve control jeans. we will have a size for you. be one of the first 50,000 lucky callers and call right now. the preceding has been a paid presentation for kymaro's curve control jeans.

hey, tommy, how was school? terrible. i got hauled into the principal's office because of my grades. what did he do to you? he made me valedictorian. apparently, i have the best grades in the school, damn it.

but you barely ever go to class. i know. that's how stupid everyone else is. damn it! that was awesome! it was so great. oh, thanks for letting me come with you, janice. anytime, sally. it is so cool to finally have another woman around to do girl things with. where were you guys? chasin' hobos out of the freight yard. hi, harry. hello, janice. last time i saw you, i was kissin' you good-bye after a long night of kissin' you hello. so, why haven't you called? well, at first i was playin' hard-to-get. but now... i'm playin' paralyzed by insecurity. that's too bad. well, it was nice seeing you all. harry. nice seeing you, too, janice. janice? my god, that's the biggest cop i've ever seen. you two know each otr?

dick, of course they do. rry, what's the matter wh you? don't you want her? oh, yeah, so bad. then go get her. that's easy r you to say. i mean--agggghh! inming message from the big giant head. the big giant head and his een wi be arrivi shortly for their first appearance oearth as husbandnd wife. they're coming today!? ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together for mr. and mrs... big giant head! everyby, please... join the couple out on the dance floor. ♪ sunrise, sunset ♪ sunrise, sunset ♪ swiftly blow the years

captioning made possible by carsey-werner company l.l.c. and the u.s. department of education

nn!nn!n!n!n! oh, it is so great to be back. we would've brought the baby, but space travel is really hard when you're teething. he's with the nanny. nice robot. i would like to propose a toast. may you two lovebirds be happily married for all eternity. ohh. thank you, dick. but come on, i'm married. eternity's the last thing i want. hey, hey, hey, stone. when is he gonna stop? breathing. vicki, how's space? well, when i first saw where i was living, let's just say thank god in space no one can hear you scream. she really classed things up. she redid the death chamber in orange shag carpet. i mean, it was so drab, i wanted to die.

people have been dying in there for years. nobody complained until you came along. you guys are really cute together. dick, where can we have a private conversation? how about right here in front of everyone? join me in the kitchen. does anyone here do a good impression of me? no, but i do an awesome bette midler. so, uh... what brings you back to earth, sir? an extended honeymoon? the honeymoon is over. then why are you here? start saving these box tops. i want this boomerang. yes, sir. sit down. how are you? you're asking how i am? how do you think i should be? i think you should be very proud of yourself. i'm proud of you. have i ever told you that? uh, no. you have threatened to kill me, though. well, that was a mistake. i'm sorry. i'd like to make up for that. i'd like to get to know you better.

get to know me, sir? yes. everything about you. things you wouldn't dream of telling that frosty little bimbo of yours. dick, tonight you're taking me out for drinks. tonight? i--i would love to accompany you, sir, but i have a date with that frosty little bimbo. cancel. well, perhaps frosty could come with us. no. you and me. alone. are you going to kill me? oh, don't be silly. you're my designated driver. come on, push it, donnie. not a problem. you got 3 more? i got 10 more. [grunting] hello, janice. harry. uhhh! i've been thinking about you. and i you. help! i'm here to ask you out on a proper date.

that is so romantic. cracked ribs. so is that a yes? i can't breathe! yes, of course. i'm comin', grandma! dick, we're gonna be late for-- [moaning] my god, dick, what's wrong with you? i'm burning up, mary. i can't hold anything down. i was throwing up all night. i don't think i can go out. oh, well, in that case, i'll stay home and take care of you. no, mary, go! save yourself before you get whatever i-- dick, let's hit the town. stone phillips! what's he doing here? he-he's here to take me to the hospital. the hospital? what a great name for a jazz club. club? you're not really sick, are you? how can you be so insensitive? quick, mary, the cat's on fire. put it out! put it out! let's go! let's go!

[cough cough cough] tommy, i really don't think this is an acceptable valedictory speech. it's fine. let us hear it. want to hear it? yeah. "fellow classmates, long live rock." you know, you had me... and then you lost me. but then you had me again. tommy, you should just write what you feel. i don't know what i feel. what do you feel? well... i feel like this is a new beginning... timeo say good-bye to old friends, make new ones. it's the end of an era, and no matter how close we've become, it's time to move on. man, that's harsh. sorry, but whether we like it or not, this chapter of our lives is over. i gotta go. see you later. you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna go read some churchill for inspiration.

oh, really? nah. i'm gonna go get some fries. did you hear what alissa just said? oh, well, you mean about saying good-bye and movin' on and meetin' other people? harry, she's gonna dump his ass. oh, my god! and right before graduation? poor tommy. the kid doesn't even see it comin'. and there's nothin' we can do. we're powerless against alissa. no, we're not. we're not? look, she's just an evil little teenager. and i am an intergalactic force for good. long live rock! [jazz music playing] you're a good-lookin' man, you know that? and you're big. big. how'd you get so big? i--i--i--i--i--

and i like you. we're havin' a good time, aren't we? you light up the room. thank you, sir. so do you. thank you. you're tense. don't be so tense. i'm tense, too. my marriage is a charade. i'm so lonely. sir, what are your intentions? i just want to know what you think of me. your record speaks for itself, sir. the universe has never been cleaner. not my job. me, the man. i think you're swell, sir. he thinks i'm swell! well, thank you, sparky. let's have some fun. fun? i'm gonna talk to the bandleader. bandleader! mrs. dubcek: hey, hey, hey, hey. sorry about that last song. my mike crapped out. it didn't crap out. i unplugged it. hit it! [music plays] ♪ somewhere there's music ♪ how faint the tune ♪ somewhere there's heaven ♪ how high the moon hey, dick, come on up here.

hey, hit that man with the spotlight. come on up here, dickie. come on, boy. come on up here. attaboy. ♪ that you love me as i love you ♪ [scat singing] [scat singing] [both scat singing] ♪ how high the moon yeah! yeah! let's hear it for sparky! hey, harry. ooh, hey, vicki. i can't sleep. you know what works for me? goin' to bed. so, how do you like bein' queen, vicki? well, you know, it's got its perks.

i get a lot of presents. like this hair curler thing. wow. yeah. it adds a lot of bounce to my hair. and then it also demolecularizes any poor bastard who tries to cross me. good reason to tip your hairdresser. of course, you know, bein' queen does have its downside. i mean... stone and i have not had intimate relations in quite some time now. you mean, because up there you're just a purple tube? well, that's his excuse. you know, i--i just-- i miss intimacy, harry. i miss fondling. i--i miss...sex! ohh! so, how's this thing work? no, no, no, no. no, no. baby, don't play with fire. hey, you know what?

i just saved your life. [giggles] i wonder if you can think of a way... to say "thank you." um...yes. thank you. hey, alissa. hi, sally. you got a couple of minutes? i was about to go to english class. this'll just take a second. ok. listen, tommy's breaking up with you. what? you said it yourself. it's the end of an era. time to meet other people. oh, no, that's just-- what you were feeling. i know, it's cool. open a new chapter. but just remember this. the last chapter ended with tommy breaking up with you. why isn't he telling me this himself? alissa, it's time to move on. move on to english! move. hey. you want to mess with tommy? huh? you want to mess with tommy?! anybody want to mess with tommy?!

all right. when light hits the surface of water, how can we determine the angle at which it enters... the water? that depends on the angle of incidence. no, you clod. wait. you're right. it does depend on the angle of incidence. you've been listening. yeah, that determines the angle of refraction. you said "refraction!" my god, you're getting this. please, stay with me here. oh, dick, there you are. stone, i'm so glad you're here. for the first time ever i'm getting through to them. they're actually learning. that's great. class dismissed. wait. are we allowed to leave? i don't know. i kind of trust that guy. wh-what did you do that for? do you know how difficult it is to be king of the universe? i imagine it's kind of a hassle. now everybody says, "look at that big wheel with his trophy wife.

i'd like to be like him." well, let me tell you something. this big wheel's life is a wreck. it's a tragic comedy. it's a farce! well, it's all good. there's only one thing in my life that means anything at all. you!

so where should i take janice on our date? it depends. you want to go to a movie, you want to go out to dinner? well, i want to get jiggy with it. but on a budget. why don't you take janice where i took sally on our first date? yeah, the seafood hut. it was great. we had a bucket of steamers, a couple of cold beers. yeah, and at the end of the night, both of us had crabs. that didn't sound exactly right, sally. don, we had crabs, and you know it. i gotta go. there's a car stolen every 15 minutes, and the guy who's doin' it has to be stopped.

have fun. hey! have you guys seen the big giant head? why, you lookin' for him? big giant head! big giant head! no, no, shh! i don't mind. big giant head! will you shut up?! i don't want to see him. i don't want to be anywhere near him. what's the matter, dick? i thought you guys were, like, best friends. no, he's become this clingy, needy, sobbing mess. i want to go back to what we used to have, when i was his suck-ass lackey living in perpetual fear. yeah, those were the days. who wants to go back to the jazz club and is named dick? dick does! come on, dick, let's go. this is so nice. mmm, well, you spend so much time in here workin' out, i figured you might want to know what it's like to eat in here, too. you're a special guy, harry. and you smell like sweat, janice. that's probably the gym. don't try and play it down.

you know, in every gym, there's always 2 types of guys. you got the big, strapping man with the weight belt and the scrawny little guy who can't get his quarter out of the juice machine. i prefer the scrawny guy. well, that's too bad. i guess i'll be goin', then. harry... you're the scrawny guy. oh! will you be my boyfriend? your boyfriend? well...um... if i say no, will you hurt me? well... maybe. well, in that case, no. ooh! [purrs]

[scat singing] [monotone] ♪ yabba yabba yabba [scatting] ♪ yabba yabba yabba yabba yabba ♪ ♪ how high the moon [sparse applause] tough crowd. yabba. [bell rings] where's your aunt sally, solomon? s-sally? how'd you open your locker without your aunt sally helpin' you? i know the combination. why are you carrying your own books? yeah, don't you need your aunt sally to carry 'em for you? what are you people talking about? hey, do you know why everyone's talking about sally? that's for you! and that's for sally.

you didn't answer my question. bye, janice. no, you hang up first. no, you hang up first. no, you hang up--hello. ohhh. she hung up. all right, harry. i've tried to be subtle, i've tried to be seductive, and i've tried to be incredibly obvious. about what? i want you, baby. i want you now! no! wait! stop! now! i'll stop. i'll stop when we're finished, baby. [kissing] vicki, i got a girlfriend. what? well...harry, you don't-- you don't like her as much as you like me, do you? oh, no. more.

the queen... is...pissed. is this shirt slutty good or slutty bad? hey, girl! vicki, hi! you two know each other? yeah! harry and vicki used to sleep together! and janice is harry's new girlfriend. how you doin'? hi. wow! two women who both slept with harry bumpin' into each other at the discount rack! how cool is that? huh? man, it's cool! see you, vicki. yeah. bye, vicki. no, good-bye to you, jan-isssssss!

i made it very clear to stone you are my highest priority. so he's not going to be here tonight? no. i've cleverly disguised a pillow in my house as me. he's probably talking to it as we speak. what is going on between the two of you? why do you have to disguise a pillow if you don't want to have dinner with him? i know it's sick. oh, it's really sick. dick! oh, no. oh, no. oh, dick! i walked into your bedroom. i thought you'd stopped breathing. i wore myself out trying to revive you. and then i took a nap on you. then i awoke completely refreshed and ready for our evening. oh, say, i'll have what he's having. send hers back. it looks awful. i'm going to the rest room. i'm going to stand on the toilet and jump out the window. what's with her? all right, that's it. i may be a whale of a friend, but that doesn't entitle you to stick to me like a pathetic barnacle.

i don't care about the problems you're having with your wife, your existential crises, or your inexplicable desire to befriend me. zap me to oblivion if you want, but so help me, i will never sing another jazz standard with you! dick, stop! no, you stop! why are you following me? why are you so fascinated by me? why do you have to get so close? how dare you talk to me like that? why, because you're the big giant head? no! because i am... your father. well, you've found delicious! ♪ ♪ if you wanna go and fly with me ♪ ♪ it's buzz the bee on your tv ♪

♪ oh how did i get this way? ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ it is so honey swagalish ♪ so much crunch, can you handle this? ♪ ♪ the party in the bowl don't stop! ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ must be the honey!

♪ hey! must be the honey! captioning made possible by carsey-werner company l.l.c. and the u.s. department of education captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

announcer: this program contains mature subject matter. viewer discretion is advised. announcer: today on "the test." >> accusations all over the place.

announcer: he's sleeping with the baby's mama. she's cheating at the dominatrix job. >> the most shock of all she's hiding fake junk in the trunk. >> her booty is hard. you know. announcer: could this booty be bogus? it's time to check her cheeks. >> we put her tush to the test. announcer: that's today. [ applause ] [cheers and applause] >> welcome to the keft i'm kirk fox. this story vols two men, a woman and a cellphone full of text. taylor found racy photos on her boyfriend's phone.

his best boy marcus sold him down the river told taylor james was playing with more than his phone. >> my boyfriend's friend told me. >> james says he's a flirt but not getting busy with anyone else. >> my so-called friend is spreading lies t to get my woman. >> let's talk to taylor. come on out, taylor. [cheers and applause] >> hi. >> taylor, why you here today? >> well me and james have been together about a year. everything was great. you know how the new iphones are. a text message pops up you can see the message. so i was downstairs. a message came up -- >> i still have a flip phone from 86. >> you need a upgrade, honey. >> okay. >> a message popped up. are you still coming over. i left it alone. another one popped up. it was basically inappropriate.

i shouldn't say too much. i opened the text messages. it was naked pictures of a female. his begging for sex. so, i decided to go through the rest of them. messages to another girl saying "i love you." >> has this been going on a long time. >> from the dates it looked like three weeks to a month of doing it. i was ob liveious to it i didn't know. i was thought i was in the perfect relationship. >> what desay when you showed him the naked pictures. >> i didn't say anything. we were going to a friend's party. i kept it to myself. we go out. >> just wanted to ruin your moment instead of his. >> no, i didn't want to ruin my moment. i didn't want to know. this we go out. his roommate is drinking. we're having a good time. he was passed out. his roommate was up. i told him what i found. his roommate goes to what i call dry sniffing. ya he's had women in and out of

the house. >> his roommate is marcus. >> yes. >> you met them both of same night. >> we met through a mutual friend. >> marcus liked you. >> yes, i didn't know that. marcus originally liked me when i met marcus he was drunk, sloppy. i was like, i wasn't interested. >> would you rather have james who passes out drunk. >> no. he was more laid back. he had a mature feel. i started to talk to james. it lead -- it was like, it was wonderful. rainbows and meadows, all that. >> until you found all of the texts. >> i have a woman's intuition something was going on. i thought maybe, i have trust issues. i thought maybe it's old relationship baggage. >> alright. let's find out. maybe you're on track here. >> james says taylor shouldn't of been looking through his cellphone. he still wants to prove he's faithful with a polygraph. come on out, james.