[laughs] there you go. phyllis, think fast. all right, guys, a little foreplay before we do it. fans of ken burns' jazz will most certainly enjoy civil war. - you know, i just got limitless on my ipad. i bet i could get it on the tv. - ooh. isn't that the one where the guy becomes limitless? - it's just not appropri-- i mean, if we were going to visit bradley cooper's birthplace, i'd be the first one suggesting it. i'd be rooting for it. all: limitless! limitless! limitless! limitless! - all right, all right, all right. [indistinct chatter] - not food and stuff. - here. like it? - oh, if you buy the picnic table, then you've got to get the fire pit. - i can't get a fire pit. i have two babies. - the fire pit is a no-brainer. - oh, hi, there. - plants and--hi, robert. hey, um, how are you doing? good to see you again. - where is everyone? where is andy? - andy took some of the other people on a corporate retreat to gettysburg. - well, i was hoping to talk out some ideas with andy. but what we have here...

is perhaps better. by not going on the trip, you've shown you're the free-thinkers of the office. - robert, you got your sheep and you got your black sheep, and i'm not even a sheep. i'm on the freaking moon. - so here's what we can do. game changers-- changes to the game such that the game can never be playedhe same way again. everyone, brainstorm some innovations. don't be afraid to get weird with it. meredith! excited. - okay. [stapler clicks] - you guys. - j-j-j-ju... - get excited. - shh! movie's almost over.

- all right! we're here. limitless can wait. - fun fact--in france, they call limitless "the man with many capabilities." - whoo-hoo! ladies and gentlemen, the 1800s await you. we can watch limitless on the way back. - i got source code on the way back. - ooh. - all right. - whoo! try our fresh, new, house-made guacamole bites or savory new nacho bites. for a limited time, pair with two favorites for just $9.99. chili's triple dipper. more life happens here. ♪ and i'll never desert you ♪ ♪ i'll stand by you yeaaaah! yeah. so that's our loyalty program. you're automatically enrolled, and the longer you stay, the more rewards you get. great! oh! ♪ i'll stand by you ♪ won't let nobody hurt you ♪

isn't there a simpler way to explain the loyalty program? yes. standing by you from day one. now, that's progressive. and? and then i'll become a scientist and change the world! the world? now you're talking! [ female announcer ] packed with whole grain fiber and a taste kids love, kellogg's frosted mini-wheats. he feed their full potential. kellogg's frosted mini-wheats. - whoa, where you going? - visitor center. gonna grab a map for the memorials, right? - yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. we're not tourists. - no, of course we're not tourists. we're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour. - yeah, sign says "begin tour here." - unless you're going on the very specially-created and meticulously-researched andy bernard tour. after chancellorsville, lee brought his army up the shenandoah valley right through here! they stopped in this field for a picnic, which they called lunch. - yeah, but i'm confused. - total deaths belongs to gettysburg, but when you're talking about d.p.a.,

that's deaths per acre... - mm-hmm. - nothing beats the battle of schrute farms. - oh. d.p.a. sounds way more important than total deaths. - oh, it is. andou suld read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. i mean, it makes the battle of gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. i'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. so beautifully written. - dwight, what are you telling this girl? - the truth. - stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? she doesn't know any better. - oscar, i am so glad you just gotere. i would've believed everything he said. - no, no, no! you're filling her head with nonsense. you and the history books. i'm telling the truth. - interesting. - yes, thank you. all of history has been whitewashed. - really? why don't you tell us the real history, gore vidal. - okay, i will. i don't know who that is, but i'm gonna to tell you this-- - he's a historian. - gettysburg was very important. credit where credit is due, okay? big mad pps to gettysburg. was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war? not by a long shot! - yes, yes, yes! - no! - no! no, it was not! - oh! - no, it was not! was it the second-most northern?

- what? - sure! i will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle! was it the northernmost? no. get out of here, oscar. - get out of here! - i am so eager to hear your game-changers. let's dig in, shall we? - may i go first? - absolutely. - raw fish-- the disgusting food from japan that americans would never want to eat. now we can't get enough of it. from movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. let me throw another idea at you. origami. don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in manhattan? we can do that! with... origami. it's the sushi of paper. - this idea hasn't gripped me.

what else did you come up with? - well, i had to memorize the presentation, robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-- - that was bad. - if your woman is like mine, i bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. "this paper is so hard. it scratches. why can't there be a paper just for me?" well, now there is. "papyr." paper for women. it's pink, scented, and silky soft. now you can watch the game, and she can write a letter to her sister. - the situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one i'm familiar with. - in the african-american community-- - no. - [murmurs] thought it was worth a try. - tallyho! - are you lincoln? - no, no, i'm-- apparently, i bear a passing resemblance to abraham lincoln. makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums,

historical monuments, elementary schools. i don't see it. - chelsea, give mr. lincoln your hat so i can take a picture. - okay. quick. - hey! lincoln's starting. [light applause] - oh, uh, no. no, no, no, no. i'm actually with a tour group myself, so-- [laughter] - [laughs] [raspy voice] hello, i'm abraham lincoln. some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny. [laughter] - okay. you know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. i was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us, and as--you know, as i tell it, i don't like it. unless, of course, you are responding to it. - i am not. - um, excuse me. i'm gonngo to the bathroom. at this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. the other day i spit my gum out on the carpet. - kevin, you've been quiet.

i'm curious to know what your game-changer is. - well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the a-1 spot? they do that 'cause they think a-1's the best spot for the best cookie. but the real best spot is d-4. right? that's where the eyes go. so... - cookies. cookie placement. - yeah. but not just the cookies, though. that was just a "for instance." - who else agrees with kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products, when we should be pushing our top-performers? - [laughs] - [laughs] there you go. consensus. - okay, we are now on a planet where kevin is the most creative person around, and i am just some go-looking guy.

- i just don't understand. it's 1865, victory is ours, i've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. - oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits. all: no! - 'kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies-- who even wants them? i mean, i've seen toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... [scoffs] like, forget it. - interesting. so what is dunder mifflin's oatmeal cookie? what is the product that no one wants? - how about that two-hole-punch letter? only the lawyers want that punch at the top, and they use legal. - that's the oatmeal cookie. fantastic, kevin. fantastic. - thank you. - [laughs]

- by the way, did we leave all the food on the bus? - let's talk about food for a second. food for thought. - yeah, that's what i had for breakfast, and i think that's probably whi'm still hungry. - hunger! hunger for victory. hunger for honor. hunger for pride. - hunger for hamburger. - hunger for chicken chimichangas. right, darryl? - that's good. - exactly. now, do you know what the civil war soldiers were hungry for? pride! now, each battalion had it's own flag, and they guarded these flags with their lives. colonel harrison jeffords of the fourth michigan infantry saw his flag being carried away. chased it down with nothing but a sword. fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. he wasn't about to let them have that flag. pride. right, guys? i commissioned this flag for dunder mifflin. cost me $200. - only $200? - we are all branches on this tree.

and from the tree comes paper. we're all part of a business. but business is war. [southern accent] what's that i hear? uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! wha--what's going on here? whoo-hoo! come and get it! who's gonna get the flag? [normal voice] who's getting it? whoa! hey! ho! don't look where i am, look where i'm going. juke right, juke left. - andy, this in inappropriate. peopleied re, man. - get the flag! get the flag! come on, big tuna. what you gonna do about it? we got a flag right here. whoo-hoo! like, scoring the perfect table? ♪ or getting a better seat? ♪ or let's say there's an accident. if you have esurance, you can use their mobile app to start a claim... upload a few photos... and get your money fast. maybe that doesn't make you a control freak. more like a control enthusiast. esurance. insurance for the modern world.

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over 40 cereals. 130 calories or less. [ laughs ] ♪ [ female announcer ] hey ladies. you love it. you've got to have it. cinnamon toast crunch, 'cause that cinnamon and sugar is sirresistible. everybody craves those crazy squares.® if you like options, we've got lots of them. burger bites, boneless wings, potato skins, and more. choose any three for just $9.99 for a limited time. chili's triple dipper. more life happens here. - spangler's spring is a mile this way. - oh, wow. so that's two miles if you incorporate the walk back. [grunts] - it's-- i mean, come on.

- ooh, i don't think i should walk anymore. you know, all i had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, um, coffee, orange juice, and toast. two poached eggs, and then that half a sandwich on the bus. i-- - all right, fine. you know what? i guess this place just hasn't rubbed off on you the way that i hoped it would. i'm still going. and i'm not going to ask anymore. i'm not even gonna look back. i'm just gonna assume that you're with me. - you said you weren't gonna look back. - and why is blackrock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared? - i don't know. - right? i mean, you're an accountant. those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane. - yes. i am an accountant.

- dwight, this is one of the archivists here. i thought maybe we can consult him. - really? - yeah. - well, anyone employed by the gettysburg industrial complex is certainly gonna want to keep quiet about the battle of schrute farms. - schrute farms, did you say? that is a fascinating little chapter of the civil war. - you've heard about it? - yes! ha! prepare to be refuted. go on. come on. - there you go. [violin plays] - families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front. - "dearest mother, "i'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. "it is three months since i arrived at schrute farms, and i fear i may never leave this place alive." melvin feiffer garrison. - hallowed ground. - but the battle at schrute farms was no battle at all. it was a code used by pacifists from both north and south who turned the pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.

- you have to understand, poets, artists, dancers, these kinds of men preferred peace to war. these delicate, lovely men found a place of refuge among the schrutes at schrute farm. amidst the macho brutality of war, this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays, sing tender ballads, and dance in the moonlight. i like to think of schrute farm as, uh, the underground railroad for the sensitive and, well, fabulous. - wow. this is so much better than the story you made up. - i've seen enough. - you're right. there should be a monument to this. - never trust a cookie with a woman's name. pecan sandie. lorna doone. madeleine. oh, they'll just break your heart. - kevin, you are-- - robert, i hate to interrupt,

but i would love to pitch you one last idea. i call it the big mac idea. - what? no. - big mac idea. it sounds encouraging. - it's really, really good, robert. let me explain it. - no, this is not fair. this is my idea. he's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me. - well, what is the idea? - every time you buy a big mac, yet set one ingredient aside. then, at the end of the week, you have a free big mac. and you love it even more, because you made it with your own hands. - you know what? now i remember. that was your idea. that is 100% your idea. [door closes] - oh-ho, my. it was just actually cookies the whole time. [scraping] - damn it. - hey. - you guys came. where's everyone else? - back at the bus. we were locked out.

phyllis is sitting on the ground,eating a dirty sandwich. - yeah, i asked the bus driver to lock it, 'cause our stuff was in there. i guess he follows orders - yeah, sorry everybody else didn't come. i think they're just tired. with holes in their shoes, and they have dysentery. - even without an audience you're still at it. - what are you talking about? - our office has a disease, and it goes by many names-- sarcasm, snark, wisecracks. - you take things that people care about, and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. that's what you did with this trip. - andy, this whole idea of our situation being just like war, it's just not true. we just work at a paper company, and you're our regional manager. and guess what, man? you don't have to prove anything. we like you as regional manager. andy, if you don't believe me, take a look at what's on my head. i'm wearing a very pink hat. i've been getting weird looks all day because i'm pretty sure "dm does gb" means something kind of sexual.

but guess who's wearing them? all of us. just for you, man. that's huge. - you don't like the hats? - they're terrible. - i hate myself. - they just didn't turn out how i wanted. in my head, they were cooler, but they do look weird. the world will little note nor long remember the fight that jim and i had here at gettysburg. and that's good, because i was basically wrong. i wanted my team to be, like, this army, and i was their general, but i guess it's really just more like they're people who work in an office, and i'm their manager. yeah, that's really probably a better analogy, now that i think about it. but add brand new belongings from nationwide insurance and we won't just give you the partial value of items that are stolen or destroyed... ...we'll replace them with brand-new versions.

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[ mom ] in my family, so we just look for this g. 'cause general mills makes over 40 yummy flavors that are 130 calories or less per serving. and they're packed with vitamins and minerals. from lucky charms to cheerios. over 40 cereals. 130 calories or less. [ laughs ] ♪ [ female announcer ] hey ladies. you love it. you've got to have it. cinnamon toast crunch, 'cause that cinnamon and sugar is so irresistible. everybody craves those crazy squares.®

right?! is this the bacon and cheese diet? this is the creamy chicken corn chowder. i mean, look at it. so indulgent. this is so much more... what's different? oh, it's my chicken and cheese enchilada diet. well keep it up, honey. it's working. oh, gracias!

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[ superfan ] we're hitting the road to help america discover the new helper. ♪ you've got to try this sweet & sour chicken helper. i didn't know they made chicken. there's 40 different flavors? i would absolutely look into trying them all 'cause this is very good.

crunchy taco or four cheese lasagna? i love cheese. [ laughs ] who doesn't? can i get another one of those actually? thank you. [ laughs ] ♪ [ superfan ] hey, america, we're here to help. the following program contains dangerous stunts that should not be reenacted and mature material. viewer discretion is advised. ♪ [ music ] now on "whacked out sports," a

poster gets a jolt to the jock. a spinning class for cars. plus, it's motorcycle hunting season. will these bad boys bag their limits? >> hot chicks and hot dogs. >> who told this guy to go fly a kite. it's hammer time, our "whacked out sports top five." hey, america, let's break somethg. it's "whacked out sports," right now. ♪ [ music ] welcome to "whacked out sports," a 30-minute show that guarantees 30 minutes worth of merriment

and may help m mayhem or your m. the jung ca junkies take it to t and one messed up step further. let the bad choices begin. who doesn't love a good cat fight? whether it is between hot purebred pussycats like these or some scrappy alley cats like these two charm school dropouts in milwaukee, take it from your buddy, announcer boy, when girls fight, always bet on the shorter one. they build up the resentment. this one's like a freaken ballet. this tall one leap into a vicious oncoming left. sweet dreams, princess. people are always telling me i fight like a girl.

hey, don't i wish. hey,y cycle soul mates, for sheer excitement and bloodshed you can't beat bike racing. if you've been to one of these, you know you spend 12 bucks for parking, 30 bucks to get, in. what do you get for coughing up the hard-earned cash? fear not, we hear at "whacked out sports" made a commitment to bring you, the viewer, inside the action. here we are at the california speedway in speedway, california. using our exclusively helmet cam, we take you terrifyingly close to the action. usually your humble announcer boy would be wearing the camera, today i'm graciously letting