[chew toy squeaking] ray. ray. eh, go around me. go around me. huh? what? that noise is driving me nuts. all right. i'll sleep on my side. sorry. ray, the dog. all right, all right, stupid toy all right. you gave him. i got it. i got it. i'm on it. don't worry. it's just his first night here, that's all. remember how you were on our first night? come on, boy. come on, give me the toy. come on, give me the toy. give me the toy, boy. come on. all right, this obviously isn't about the toy, is it? i'm onto some deeper issues here. give me the-- [toy squeaks] ray: i got it!

ok. all right. good doggy. good doggy. [toy squeaks] whew. see? that's all. no big deal. no big deal. he just needs a little love, that's all. that's all anybody needs-- a little love. [barking and scraping at door] ohh. ray, your lover is at the door. just--you know what? just keep quiet. he'll calm down. see? aw, that's a good doggy. whew. whew. ally: mommy! mommy! we're rich. the dog can talk. yes. yes, we might have your dog. yeah, what kind is it?

oh, a collie. ha ha! well, you know what? why don't you take this dog? yeah, because he's very smart. maybe he could help find your dog. no, ok. well, thanks anyway. yeah. bye-bye. ha! that's it. that's all. no more calls. we have a winner. we haven't slept in 3 nights. you know why the owners haven't showed up? because they're asleep, ray. we can't keep him. i love him. i love him like... an incredibly ugly son. listen, ray, i understand. believe me. i do. but, i mean, think about it, honey. i'm--i'm just swamped as it is, you know? uh, maybe when the kids are a little bit older. [knock on door] hello. you guys have any maalox or something?

what's the matter, robert, did you eat something bad? i'm a cop, and i live with my parents. i'm on a steady diet of human suffering. whose dog? i found him. but we're getting rid of him. oh? robert? it's just that he... looks so familiar. get him the maalox. go get him the maalox. hello, puppy. hello, puppy. oh, yeah. where'd you learn to kiss like that, huh? what? what is it? you heard me. no, i'm not giving robert my dog. ray, it's a perfect match. he needs a dog,

and we need not to have a dog. i want to have a dog. come on. we bonded. we have something special. what, more special than that? oh, give daddy some sugar. [growling playfully] he's probably picking up my scent on robert. no. listen, this is the right thing to do. give this dog to robert. i don't want to give robert my dog. got a hell of a dog here, raymond. yeah. know who he reminds me of? shamsky. oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. shamsky. yeah. he was a hell of a pooch, wasn't he? used to follow me everywhere. then one day i came home from school and shamsky wasn't there. of course mom tried to make me feel better. she told me he got hit by a car. but i knew what really happened. well, that-- that's ok, raymond. i'm not blaming you. it's not your fault you had allergies.

yeah, well, i don't have allergies anymore. hey, give me some sugar, too, there, huh? h-hey. he's cool, isn't he? oh, yeah. he's great. you're a lucky man, raymond. [choked up] lucky man. you know, it's a funny thing, but to this day, i can't even look at a liver snap without getting all choked up. robert, wait. what? here. why don't you take the dog? what are you saying? you mean you'd want me to have him? yeah, well, he likes you. we can't have a dog. we got a hamster. he's nuts. he likes you. no, no. no, i'd just be setting myself up for more hurt. you know, every time i get attached to something, i just get burned, you know?

first dog. my first wife. my first lawyer after my first wife. yeah. all right. ok. well, if that's how you feel... oh, yeah, that's how i feel. i appreciate it. aw, what the hell. life's too short. come on, boy! come on! hello, gorgeous. yes. oh, yes. hey. hey. they're all asleep. this is from the kids. hey. how about from you? hasn't come in yet. hey, hey, hey. what's this? oh, that's a gift from your brother. robert gave me a present? wow. look at this. oh, my god. it's a titleist putter. yeah, isn't that sweet? you know, since you gave him that dog, he's a different person. a better person.

you did a very good thing, ray. mmm. yeah. you know, it's always kind of bothered me that robert had to give away his first dog because of me. feels good to do the right thing. did he drop any balls off with this? [knock knock] ah, huh? hi. hello. can i help you? i believe you have my dog. the intense ache made it hard to do the things that i wanted. my doctor diagnosed it as fibromyalgia -- thought to be the result of over-active nerves that cause chronic, widespread pain. lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. i learned lyrica can provide significant relief from fibromyalgia pain. so now, i can do more of the things i enjoy. lyrica is not for everyone. it may cause serious allergic reactions or suicidal thoughts or actions. tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worsening depression,

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ask your doctor if lyrica is right your dog? phyllis? debra! i can't believe this. you know her? yeah. ray, this is phyllis from the salon where i get my hair cut. she shampoos me. yeah, yeah, great. it's very fluffy. so this is your dog? i can't tell you how upset i've been.

i left town for a couple of weeks and came back to find that the gardener had let him out. you know, he's a prize-winning stud. i'm surprised he has to work as a gardener. the dog, ray. he's a great champion. i've been breeding him for years. where is he? uh, come here. come on in, phyllis. come on in here. maybe i can explain this. explain what? where's baron? is he all right? no, no, no. he's fine, he's fine. uh, let me ask you something, do you know the ballplayer art shamsky? art shamsky has my dog? no. no, no, no. he's retired. but my brother-- you're dog's just across the street playing with ray's brother. we're gonna get him right back. right back? yes. here have a seat, phyllis. we'll go get him back. ray was just on his way over there now. how can i do this to robert again?

i know, but look at her, ray. she's waiting for her dog, ok? it's her whole life. you gotta go get the dog now. he gave me a putter. wait till you see these toys i got for the dog. i already bought him some today. yeah? did you get him the chewy phone? those phones are a waste of money. i got him the squeaky hydrant. please. please, there's no comparison. you know nothing about dogs. look at this. [barking] oh, stop. fun! this is fun! oh, please. [barking] come on, let go of that. frank, come on. [growling] maybe he needs to go out. hey, raymond. how you doing? hey, robert. how are you? great. great. watch this.

ok, spread 'em. you have the right to remain silent. [jabbering] [chuckles] good boy. good boy. ain't he great, huh? yeah, yeah. yeah, he's great. and he ain't the only one. my brother. mio fratello. ohh, look at them, frank. it's so sweet to see you two getting along lately. it's like old times. oh, frank, go get the moving picture camera. i mean, the whole family's here. ah, those lights are so damn heavy. no, no, come on, it's a special occasion. i know where it is. come on, come on. all right, all right. there might still be some film left from when we brought ray home from the hospital. that's a good boy, shamsky. that's a good boy. named him shamsky, huh? well, actually, shamsky roman numeral ii.

yeah. robert, the owner came by today. w-what? listen, i don't know what to say. i... the owner. look, you know what? just forget about it, all right? i'm gonna tell her that he ran away or something. no, no. give him to her. i know what it's like to lose a dog. go ahead. i'm sorry. come on, buddy. ok, everybody smile. come on.

where's the dog? where's ray?! what's going on here?! we're wasting film! cut, dad. cut. shamsky's owner showed up today. i had to give him back. oh, no. ohh, he was such a sweet dog. you gave him back? what about the 200 bucks we just spent to have him fixed? hi. all right. here he is. great. where's the lady? she's putting on some makeup. she wants to look nice for baron. how'd it go over there? it was great. i went over there, he was playing with the dog. i said, "hey, robert," and then i reached in his chest and pulled his heart out. ray... what happened over there?

what? what do you mean? i told you. this is not the same dog... anymore. what are you... talking about? of course it's the same dog. no, look closely, ray. yeah, yeah. o-other end. doesn't he look a little... lighter to you? ray, he's been fixed. get out of here! come on! are you sure? yeah, yeah, yeah. come on. maybe he's just a little chilly. no. shy? no. he wasn't always like that? trust me. he wasn't. how do you know? because i noticed. you noticed? well, what are you noticing that for? i didn't notice! ray, you don't notice when i get a new pair of earrings, and those are hanging off my face. yeah? i would notice if your ears were missing. god! those maniacs.

ray, what are they doing over there? oh, my god. it was probably my mother's idea. this is sort of a hobby of hers. baron! let me look at you! ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! hey! we're so happy for you. we are happy. yay. thank you. well, i... i won't take up any more of your time. thank you so much for all you've done. you don't know what it's like to be separated from something you treasure so much. i'm sure baron feels the same way. hey. i just thought i'd bring his toys by. oh...isn't that sweet? say thank you, baron.

baron? well, goodbye now and thanks again. all right. [sighs] ohh... well... maybe she won't notice. debra, the woman breeds dogs, all right. the subject's gonna come up sooner or later. all right, look! i don't know who did it and i don't care who did it! all i know is my dog is ruined and someone's gotta pay. phyllis, we tried to explain -- i don't want explanations i want cash. this dogs is worthless now. worthless? he still a delightful companion companion? my ass! he was good for one thing and now he's broken. don't talk about him like that. hey, hey.. look, i'd like to bu the dog from you. okay, for my brother -- no, no, raymond, look, you don't have to -- no, i want to do this, robert, okay? this is for both shamsky's.

it's the least i can do. how much will you take for him? two thousand dollars. two thousand dollars!? mio fratello. i love you.... two thousand dollars. he's a prize winning stud. not anymore. thank you. yeah. hey, hey, hey, wait a minute! give me those. huh? yeah. two thousand dollars... i could have got four thousand hamsters. but add brand new belongings from nationwide insurance and we won't just give you the partial value of items

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how do you like that grip? yeah, the grips good -- the club's bottom heavy, you know? i like that. that's a good putt. yeah. you know, this was a much harder shot before...yeah. captioning made possible by talk productions captioned by captioneering your closed captioning resource

[gasp] god, ray, what is that? oh, no. it's coming from my parents' house. my father put in one of those new motion-sensor lights. it's like the mother ship is landing. told them not to make it so sensitive. a moth probably flew by. let's see what's out there.

what do you see? i think i saw my own retina. what is your father doing? his stupid car is on the street, and he thinks this light is gonna keep people from stealing it. well, why doesn't he just get a car alarm? [car alarm sounds] hi, i'm ray and i live here in long island with my wife, debra. she's great with the kids, the house, everything. i don't know how she does it. we've got a daughter ally and twin two-year-old boys. it's not really about the kids. my parents live across the street. that's right, and my brother lives with them. now, not every family would go by on a conveyer belt for you, but mine would, because -- everybody loves raymond. yeah, yeah, yeah.

[buzz saw revving] your father is driving me nuts, ray.

did you call him? nobody's answering. they're probably deaf by now. why is he woodworking at 7:30 in the morning? because some genius gave him the big book of hobbies. i wanted to give him something to do so he'd stop coming over here and annoying us. yeah, so now he's... [buzz saw revs] so now he's... [revving] so now he's... [revving] good idea, ray! you had to give him the big book of hobbies. i'm going upstairs to take a nap. [revving] oh, god, it's loud here, too. what'd you do to your nose, robert? dad's car alarm woke me up last night. ran outside to turn it off, forgot we had an oak tree. thank you very much, raymond. how is your nose my fault?

if dad hadn't turned his garage into a workshop, he wouldn't have to park on the street, and he wouldn't need a car alarm that goes off every time i blow my nose, which now, thanks to you, involves blood. i'm a cop. i need my sleep. hey, i'm a working man, too, you know? oh, yeah. sportswriter. tough job. lot of shootouts at the computer? did you talk to your mom, robert? well, since dad's in the garage all day, i'm the only one she has to talk to. at least the buzz saw has an off switch. what are you doing in your pajamas? oh, dad, it's a little early for woodworking, isn't it? not for me. i never felt so alive. you know the satisfaction of doing something with your own 2 hands? i'm imagining it right now. i love the big book of hobbies.

best gift you ever gave me. oh, oh, hey, where's the drill? in the garage. frank: great, great. thanks. [humming ride of the valkyries] [telephone rings] hello. hello. oh, hi. it's ruth green from 2 doors down. ahem. yeah? oh, yeah, we heard the sawing, too. [frank humming loudly] uh-huh. yeah, that's him singing. uh-huh. oh. ok, well, i'll discuss it with ray. yeah. thanks for calling, ruth. bye-bye. oh, great. now the neighbors want to come over here tonight to discuss your parents. discuss my parents? this is so embarrassing. she actually said, "your family." like i have anything to do with it. who are these people to discuss my parents?

i should have kept my maiden name. i don't want them here. i don't want them over at the house. you know what, ray? i don't think it's such a bad idea. i mean, you gotta admit, your father's been making a lot of noise, and your mother is bit of a meddler. they're not so bad that we have to have a meeting. what are they gonna do, come over with torches and pitchforks? no. they just want to come over to discuss the problem, and you got to admit, there's a problem. i mean, they wouldn't have to be calling a meeting if the whole thing hadn't gotten completely intolerable. i mean, look, the neighbors just want to come over to ask for our help, and i think the least we can do is listen to what they have to say. look, i don't think a meeting is necessary, really. look me in the eye right now. i don't think we have to do this, but you know what? i'll do this for you. thanks. ok.

look, we all want to live in peace and friendship, and, ray and debra, you've always been good neighbors. thank you. i just-- i was talking. and so since you two are so close to the problem, we were hoping that maybe you could get through to them. ok, all right. i understand. you're talking about the noise: the car alarm, the buzz saw, my mom. gonna handle it, ok? good meeting. thank you very much. you know, take some cookies. my mom made those. they're pretty good. well, there's more to it than just the noise, ray. oh. you know your father's leaf blower? last week, he blew everything from his lawn onto mine, including a dead chipmunk. you're right. nobody should blow rodents around. and your mother accepts my packages, and then she neglects to inform me. yeah, you're mad now, but when one of those babies explodes,

you're gonna thank her, huh? we're very serious, ray. we hope that you will talk to your parents about all these things because we don't want to have to go to the...extreme. i don't get it. what are you talking about? we could initiate legal action and try to get your parents out of the neighborhood. is that possible? no. i-- i'm just asking a question. nobody really wants that to happen. i--i mean, they're older people. where would they go? florida. what are you doing? it's warm in florida. yeah. all right, listen, let's back up here a second. they--they make a little noise, and they can be a little... irksome sometimes, but come on, let's look at their good points, too. they recycle. they're not cannibals.

i didn't want to have to show this, but...i have a tape. the are cannibals? this is your father getting his morning paper. you're videotaping my father? i shot this over the course of several mornings.