hey, you want to help the guy, stop talking and smother him with a pillow. judith: oh, great. hey, there's the blushing bride. she doesn't look fat at all. go ahead. give her the check. what check? oh, uh, well, i-i figured as long as i was here, that i would give you your last and final alimony check. got it. what the hell are you doing? just a little souvenir. i'll go find jake. see? she's being a good sport. let's get one with the big check. forget the big check. so, um, you know, uh, i-i read an interesting story the other day. uh, married men live, on arage, ten years longer than single men. what if they don't want to? come on. you and judith were meant for each other. what could possibly come between you? my sister. you got a sister? down, charlie. she came out a few days early to help with the wedding,

but it's not really helping. what does she look like? charlie! she doesn't have a therapist, does she? charlie, i swear to god! so what do you think? should i wear it or have a vet check it for worms? no, no, it looks fine. oh, myra, this is judith's first husband, alan. hi. so how does this work? do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his? myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old. not in my house. well, this is alan's brother, charlie. oh, yeah, the booze-riddled sleazebag. she did not hear that from me. it's not like it's a big secret. judith: myra, where the hell is jake? how should i know? because i asked you to get him ready to go to his father's. you also asked me to try on this satin stool sample. herb, tell your sister it's a lovely dress. herb, tell your fiancee the diet pills are affecting her judgment but not her ass. that's it. she's got to go. i can't throw out family!

and that's the bitch of it, herb. hey, um, charlie and i were thinking of taking jake out to a movie. we were? we were. myra, would you like to join us? you didn't say anything about a movie. i wanted to surprise you. herb: hey, you know what? that's a great idea. go to a movie with alan and charlie. can i wear my pretty new dress? get her out, herb. hey, look what i found in the bushes. ♪ men... (sighs) god. i hate family movies. what, you don't buy the central premise that a dog can play hockey? well, not as a power forward. oh. we're flying the friendly skies, are we? after you.

(smacks lips) why, thank you. so, you're staying at judith's. yep. what does she say abt me? well, if she's telling the truth, we really shouldn't be drinking out of the same cup. that might be the nicest thing she's ever said about me. just don't understand what my brother sees in her. you know, 15 years ago i asked the exact same question. a little tip? don't do it during the wedding toast. maybe you can clear something up for me. herb says you're a successful jingle writer, but judith says you are a drunken talentless hack who passed out and fell into a pit of money. so what do you need cleared up? boy, ahem, you got me at a disadvantage. i don't know why judith hates you. hmm, it's hard to say. maybe it's 'cause i'm smart.

maybe it's because i'm independent. maybe it's because i offered my brother a thousand dollars to call off the wedding. i did the same thing with my brother. you did? well, actually, it was a thousand-dollar hooker... but the thought was the same. so, myra... what do u do? i teach high school economics. huh. it may sound like a boring life, but at night, i dress up like a giant spider and fight crime. interesting. now, did you decide spider and have the costume made or did you find the costume and say, "ok, spider"? are you mocking the scarlet arachnid? sorry, sorry. it's just hard to believe that you're herb's sister. he's so... hapless? i was going to say "tall," but hapless works.

to hapless herb. to the scarlet arachnid. shh. (whispering) my enemies are everywhere. ♪ men... (charlie and myra singing old-time movie advertisement) (deadpan) we're here. oh, yes, judith's house of pain. shh, shh, ixnay! that's her id-kay. we're here. well, thanks for the movie. wait. wait, wait. i'll walk you. why, thank you. charlie: whoa! (thud) myra: you ok? charlie: i never know till i sober up. i think they like each other. well, sure, they like each other. no, i mean, they like like each other.

(chuckles) oh, no, jake. your uncle charlie only like likes a certain type of woman. mom calls 'em tramps. that's as good a word as any. thanks. that was fun. yeah, it was. see ya around. yeah. i'm sorry. i don't know why i did that. who cares? looks like aunt myra's a tramp, huh? ♪ men... new l'oreal magic nude. our first liquid powder. just shake... this delicate liquid magically transforms to an airy, powder finish. flawless un-makeup look, no-makeup feel. new l'oreal magic nude. now that's smart.

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closed captioning and other consideration for "two and a half men" provided by... oh, and the super crunchy outside has taught me some real important life lessons. like what? it's what's on the outside that's important. [ laughing ] no. [ male announcer ] juicy meet crunchy. new juicy super crunch chicken strips. this is how you sonic. when your allergies start, doctors recommend taking one non-drowsy claritin every day during your allergy season for continuous relief. 18 days! 17 days! 22 days of continuous relief. live claritin clear. every day. oh, come on, judith. so he gave her a kiss. it's no big deal. that's how charlie says good-bye. some people shake hands, some people wave, my brother darts his tongue in and out of your mouth. what'd i miss? you know dr. melnick?

the guy your mom's marrying? he has a sister... got it. i'm sure it has nothing to do with you, judith. wait. hang on a second. jake, are you done with your breakfast? yeah. then get out. fine. berta will just tell me later, right? right. ok, judith, that's insane. charlie would not do myra just to piss you off. i don't think. how would i know what he sees in her? she got working girl parts? you know what? you leave. send jake back. ok, ok, fine, fine. i'll talk to him. (chuckles) i don't know. i'll, uh, i'll tell him to keep his hands off myra. and then i'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to stop nagging me! oh, boy, i'm going to pay for that. you know what your problem is? phone cojones.

excuse me? when you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. the minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a ken doll. phone cojones. good to have a name for it. so, tell me about the sister. (sighs) i don't know. she doesn't seem like his type at all. what, no coin slot in her forehead? charlie: good morning. berta: good morning. charlie, we need to talk about myra. yeah, that was probably a mistake. it was? she's a nice kid, but... she's just not, you know... a red-hot simpleton with no self-respect? i just hope she didn't take that whole kiss thing too seriously. so, you're not planning on pursuing her? no, no, no. in fact, i got a date tonight with a lovely sex addict whose therapist is on vacation. it's what we eligible bachelors call "a window of opportunity." you know, charlie, there's a special section in hell reserved for people like you. that's good,

'cause i'd hate to have to stand on line. so i'm like, "yeah, i can make a lot of money "as a lingerie model, but then who's gonna take me seriouy as a director?" good point. sometimes i wish i wasn't beautiful. i mean, ugly people have it so easy, you know? i've heard. so, what about you? still writing jingles? just ding the day. at night, i dress up as a big spider and fight crime. huh. you know, i dated a cop once. well, it wasn't so much a date as a way to get out of a ticket. interesting. ok. here we are. oh. i hope this place has fresh lobster. that frozen stuff is just disgusting. ♪ men... judith: you know what, herb? forget it. i'll do it myself.

herb: i said i would do it. i'll do it! myra: for god's sake, judith, get off his back! judith: no one's talking to you, myra! herb: ok, everyone calm down. i'm doing it. oh. hi, charlie. hey, herb. just taking out the trash. yeah, i'm coming from doing the same thing. great. he leaves the door wide op... what the hell are you doing here? that's a good question. see, the thing is i... oh, hey, charlie. hi, myra. no. no. i forbid it. not in my house. what brings you to the cul-de-sac of the damned? just in the neighborhood. that's nice. come on in. thanks. i said no! doesn't anybody listen to me? herb: i'm doing it! look! you know, i really didn't expect to see you again. well, i wasn't doing anything, so... judith: no, alan, listen to me. he's here right now!

why would i kid about that? i don't know. maybe his other date didn't work out. ah, the plot thickens. (sighs) ok, ok, i can explain. no, i can't. give it a shot. well, um... i was with this girl, and i suddenly realized that i'd rather be with someone who i, you know, actually enjoy being with. judith: oh, just forget it, alan. you're useless. (hangs up phone) herb, do something! hey. i'm thinking about going out for ice cream. anyone want to join me? charlie, when's the last time you had a cone with sprinkles? you know what, herb? judith can relax. i'm gonna check into a hotel. (sighs) myra, no. you don't have to do that. yes, she does. hey, she's my sister! she can stay as long as she wants! i really appreciate this.

i'll go get my stuff. hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. you don't have to stay at a hotel. i got plenty of room at my place. yeah, i'll bet you do. n-n-no, no, no, no. no strings attached. really? really. still, i couldn't impose like that. it's no imposition. it's a big house. there's plenty of room for everybody. you sure? absolutely. ok, then. i'll be right back. judith: herb! you want to come, too? are you nuts? with myra out of the house, i might get lucky tonight. really? she seems pretty angry. it's better when she's angry. coming, pookie! ♪ men... (toilet flushes) this just sucks. it's just for a couple of days till the wedding.

yeah, but why does she have to stay in my room? because...i don't know. you're the kid. yeah, well, it's not fair. yeah, well, get over it. oh, my god! jake, that's disgusting. yeah, well, get over it. go to sleep. did you brush your teeth? dad, i'm asleep. go brush your teeth. i can't. i don't have my toothbrush. well, go get it. man! i have to do everything around here. aunt myra? i have to get my toothbrush. aunt myra?

aunt myra? huh. oh. myra. hi. hi. is everything ok? everything's fine. i just wanted to chat. oh. ok. i can go if you want. no, no. no. no, this is fine. so... what's up? well, we never really talked about that kiss last night. right, right. that was a little out of character for me. really? that's not the word on the street. ok, let me explain. um... with me, kissing is usually just a prelude to sex, but last night, sex was the last thing on my mind.

oh, gee, what girl doesn't like to hear that? no, no. no, wait. let me finish. i kissed you because i really liked you, and i wanted to express my...liking of you. be still, my beating heart. oh, come on, myra. i drove all the way to judith's house to see you. and you know what's at judith's house? judith! that was very brave of you. oh, no, it wasn't brave, it was... to tell you the truth, i don't know what it was, and i'm not really sure what to do here. what do you want to do here? let's forget about me for a second. what about you? what about me? you kissed first. why'd you do that? oh, i was plowed. really? oh, come on, you moron. i'm sitting in the middle of your bed in my sexiest lingerie. all right. i'm pretty sure i know what to do now.

charlie? yeah? i don't want to put any pressure on you, but... i'm a virgin. you are? man, you got to stop sleeping with dumb girls. it's rubbing off on you. ♪ men...

why can't i sleep in my bed? aunt myra's not there. i'm sure she will be. she's probably just getting something in the kitchen. (bedsprings squeaking rhythmically) that's not the kitchen. ♪ men

morning. morning. sleep okay? mm-hmm. great. sure. last night, me wanting to try that stuff out of the kama sutra, was that fun for you or kinda racially insensitive? yeah, just because you're in bed with an indian woman, you think that gives you permission hey, if you can find a book called weird sex with white boys, i'd be okay with that. no, no, you have such beautiful eyes.

have you ever thought about getting contacts? i tried in the seventh grade. i could never get used to them. yeah, if i had contacts, i would have been ever to be stuffed into his own cello case. if you had them on now, you could see what we're going to do next. th-that's okay. i can infer from context. hey, raj, want to see a new magic trick i've been working on? howard, if i may interject here is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? granted, you're just an engineer, but... or a thingamabob that may get you a "thank you" in someone else's nobel prize acceptance speech. is the trick making him disappear?

sure, let's see it. here, shuffle these. okay. now spread them out on the table face down. pick one, look at it. okay. now remember your card, put it back in the deck. is it any wonder he doesn't have a doctorate? remind me, what's your birthday? october 6. october is the tenth month. so ten-- one plus zero is one, plus six is seven. how about that? is that your card? yes, it is. very cool! it's not cool. it's a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. how'd you do it? but surely a future nobel prize winner can figure it out. fine.

you ever notice when he thinks real hard, it smells like bacon? oh, hey! sorry! oop! sorry! pardon me! (screams) oh, that was my fault. check it out. i just got contacts. ♪ our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... wait! ♪ ♪ the earth began to cool ♪ the autotrophs began to drool, neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ we built the wall ♪ we built the pyramids ♪ ♪ math, science, history, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ that all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ bang! ♪ ♪ le freak, c'est chic ♪ freak out ♪ aw ♪

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