so i'm going to up the ante, give her a clearly romantic gift. and we'll get to the meaning of the beanie. - pam, pack up your postnatal swimwear, make it a one-piece, or this offer is rescinded, and join me for a fantastic barbecue, one week from today, in tallahassee, florida, where i'm going to be living for the next three weeks. - really? - mm-hmm. - i'll fly anywhere for some good barbecue. - ooh, me three. - [imitates buzzer] no plus-ones. this is for competent workers only. and don't worry about the cost, sabre is footing the bill. - does this have anything to do with what you were talking to andy about? - god, you're such a spy. - [clears throat] notice anything different about me? - you're wearing the beanie. you like it? - super comfortable, like sweatpants for my head. - i love it too, val. it's really itchy, but to be fair, my head is constantly itching. so i can't really peg it on the hat. - wow, it's like the nation of islam down here.

- i like to knit. don't hate. and who's that for? - oh, this is a gift for my man, nate, here. - what? - yeah. - darryl, you shouldn't have. can i open it? - no, no, no, maybe just-- - ah, i can't wait, i'm sorry, i'm too excited. darryl. - wow, those are really nice. - they're so elegant. - cashmere. - how'd you know? - just a hunch. your gift is on the way. - can't wait. - "i'm glad you're in my life, happy valentine's day." oh, darryl. i am glad to be in your life too. your card is more beautiful than the gloves. - my first task as special project manager, dwight schrute? assembling a crack team. i need people who are loyal. people who will help me get an inroad

with the gay-hispanic community. people who won't be missed. we don't need idiots. - this hurts. - good for nothings. meth-heads. or-- what's your name? - kathy. - kathy. [phone beeps] - i just got a text from robert california that says, "bring your clubs to florida." - why? does he think you're going to florida? - i hope not, because i am not going. two question marks. - no, just do one. two question marks is kind of aggressive. you know, it's like, "wh--what?" just do one. - you want to take darryl, phyllis, toby, angela, and oscar? - yes. - can i interest you in someone less essential? like a-- a creed or a meredith perhaps? - are you kidding me? i'm supposed to get on an airplane with those nincompoops? we'd never make it off the runway. - i gotta keep this office functioning somehow, so--

i have put together a list. here's your team. darryl and phyllis, you can have. but you're also taking kathy, kelly, and kin. - oh, god. andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? i have, and now i no longer own an arctic wolf. side-by-side, so you get the same coverage, often for less. that's one smart board -- what else does it do, reverse gravity? [ laughs ] split atoms? [ flo chuckles ] [ whirring ] hey, how's that atom-splitting thing going? oh! a smarter way to shop around -- now that's progressive. call or click today. and now, there's a plan that lets you experience that "new" phone thrill again and again.

and again. can you close your new phone box? we're picking up some feedback. introducing verizon edge. the plan that lets you upgrade to a new verizon 4glte phone when you want to. having what you want on the network you rely on. that's powerful. verizon. upgrade to the new moto x by motorola with zero down payment. - well, let's hear it. - "robert, hey!" exclamation point. - i like it so far. - "got your text, awesome idea. let's hit the links the next time you're in p.a." dash, j.h. - it's perfect. you emphasized the golf, completely omit the florida. - yeah, it's a golf text. - total golf text, send it. - done-- wait, i just feel weird. i should just call him. - you want to call someone that texted you? do you want to drive them away? i mean--? [phone rings] - this is darryl. - oh, sorry, i asked for the main shipping number. i just need the address for the warehouse. i want to send my girlfriend some flowers. - your girlfriend? is your girlfriend val?

- yeah, do you know her? - we're friends, we're friends. - cool. uh, so can i get that address or--? - yeah, yeah, sorry, i'm just looking for a pen. - why do you need a pen? - back off. i got my reasons. - may i have your attention, please? could kathy, phyllis, darryl, kevin, and kelly please join me in the conference room immediately. - why? - oh, no big deal. it's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three-week, all expenses paid business trip to tallahassee, florida. - hell, yeah. - what? - oh, i'm sorry, stanley. i can't share any more details with you. you see, andy rejected you. - wait, kathy gets to go? why does she even still work here? pam is back. - it just feels like a slap in the face. - i can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. i'm sure he had his reasons. - we're not questioning his reasons. i just want to know what they are. - he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime. - well, he nailed it. because i do deserve a vacation.

sometimes batman's got to take off his cape. - what were the criteria for going? - it might be innate goodness versus innate badness. but there's an easy way to find out. oh, andy, got a few questions for you. - moshi moshi. - [chuckles] uh, the florida picks got out, and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked, and maybe you could just clarify. - uh, well, the deliberations were confidential, so i feel like we should respect that. - respect it? you're trying to tell me kevin malone deserves more than stanley hudson? - hey. - okay, it's obvious that andy picked the people that are least important to the office. - important? oh, because you and your enormous monster-baby are so important to the branch. - my baby is not a monster. - hey, be proud of your enormous monster-baby. i was once an enormous monster-baby. - guys, guys, guys, come on, seriously? we cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys.

- stop calling us "guys." - i use the word "guys" a lot when i'm nervous. guys. guys, guys, guys. - andy, please. - stop it, andy. - dudes-- - andy. - the dudes who are going to florida were picked by dwight and me. - okay, hey, i specifically remember that there were a lot of other people i thought should be considered. - if anybody's going to florida, it should be me. every shirt that i have that isn't a work shirt is a tommy bahama. - okay, i did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly. so if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to florida, i'm happy to hear you out. - great idea. so why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours, come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to florida, and andy and i will listen to it. - no, that is a ridiculous waste of time. - for you, maybe. - five to six hours? - three to four hours. - no, no, no, no. - just two to three hours-- come up with a statement over the next hour. - 30 minutes. - i'm out. - okay, read it back to me. - "robert, great offer. "wish i could hit the links with you in florida, "but a father of a newborn really should be helping out

his wife any chance he gets." - good, doesn't sound pushy. you're just stating a fact. - absolutely. works for me. - okay, sending. - well done. and we managed to kill the entire morning. - we really did. [phone beeps] - he responded "lol." - [laughs loudly] - i have a new swimsuit i need to break in. - i already picked my team. - darryl, oscar, angela, phyllis, and toby. and that is the team that i am taking. what's that? it's not up to me? i only have influence? well, that's all baltzer glattfielder had, and now no one eats owls for thanksgiving. - you have two young, dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. that's myself and kelly kapoor. you need one of us there. - or both. - not both. just one. me.

or if not me, kelly. ideally, me. again, youth knowledge. that's what you get when you put ryan howard on your special project team. or kelly kapoor. again, not both. thanks. - very impressive. he put a lot of work into that. - mm-hmm. powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world. all show, no meat. - because i feel like that i'm at a place with my gambling rehab that i can finally start going to dog racing again. you know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport. maybe putting down a few dollars, if there's, like, a crazy mismatch or something. - okay, thank you, kevin. we'll let you know. - thank you. - when do we leave? - thank you. - "florida stanley" smiles. "florida stanley" is happy to go to work. "florida stanley" is who you want on your florida team. - it's still, well-- [knock at door] - hey, guys, any spots left? - erin, you want to go to tallahassee? - i do. i really do.

i think it would be a nice way to clear my head. - you know, i don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head anymore than it has been already. i think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality. - either or. but if you can find someone to fill in, i would love to go. - well, it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in. - really? oh, great, good. now, is it too dark to say that cece's having an operation? - i think you need to go to florida. - i think you're right. - it's only for three weeks. you know, with my mom and sister at the house it'll be-- - a total nightmare. - i was going to say, "good, because i'll have all the help i need." - yeah, that's what i'm saying. they're incredibly helpful. you're lucky to have them. i mean, with them there, you probably won't even know i'm gone. - exactly. - well-- no, no, absolutely not. you are not going. over my dead body, no. - tunes, i'm really sorry. you're too essential to the operation here. i can't let you go.

- i wouldn't say that. that's a bit much. - you know, dwight, if you didn't want me to go, the smart move would be to tell andy that i actually am essential to the operation. that way i couldn't go. - jim is essential to-- - hold on, just want to get it on camera. - andy, jim is just too ess-- - essential. - this is stupid. cut. - all right, i'm going to pack my trunks. - he doesn't even want to go. - well, i got a text from r.c. inviting me to come down, so i think that's going to make us roommates. - oh, my god. - hey, quick estion. do you shower at night or do you shower in the morning? because i want to shower when you're showering to save some water. - okay, listen up, everyone. here's who's going to florida. - kathy. - what? - stanley. - no. - ryan. - no. - erin. - [bleep]. - and jim. - you got to be [bleep] kidding me. okay, okay. florida group, welcome to the team. aah!

we have got a safe driver headed toward the freeway. he is doing 44 in a 45, now looks like he is headed into a tunnel. the headlights are coming on, it's dark in there, that's good. in the nation, safe just got a little more exciting. alright he's out. add vanishing deductible from nationwide insurance and get $100 off for every year of safe driving. he's entering the freeway, blinker is on. just another way we put members first. because we don't have shareholders. look at that. bill, that's a perfect merge. join the nation. i mean that was just, that was flawless. ♪ nationwide is on your side ♪ yeah. yeah. then how'd i get this... [ voice of dennis ] ...allstate safe driving bonus check? what is that? [ normal voice ] so weird, right? my agent, tom, said... [ voice of dennis ] ...only allstate sends you a bonus check for every six months you're accident-free... [ normal voice ] ...but i'm a woman. maybe it's a misprint. does it look like a misprint? ok. what i was trying... [ voice of dennis ] silence. ♪ ask an allstate agent about the safe driving bonus check.

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this is the exact environment that you will be facing for the next three weeks of your life. welcome to special projects orientation. the next three weeks of your life are going to be the most miserable you've ever faced. they're going to be hard, they're going to be dirty. you're going to wish you were dead. - but. - but? there's no buts. that's it, you'll wish you were dead. you seem a little disturbed, do you want to stay here? - no, no, i want to go. - because if any of you would prefer to stay here, all you need to do is ring this bell. - is that the buzzer from taboo? - shut up, maggot! - it is. - you don't want to go, ring the bell. ring it, ring it. how many of you have seen the documentary deliverance? - how did a mosquito get in here? - i released 300 mosquitoes into the conference room. just temporarily. when i'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes. - then he brushes your soft, supple cheeks

with his worn, leathery hands and says, "i'm going to make you the seventh mrs. rosenblatt." unless you ring the bell, ring it. - no. - ring the bell. you want to spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? huh, do you? ring it. ah. [bell rings] what was that? - mosquito. - [sighs] [growls] - orientation's over. - oh, darryl, hey. - hey, what's up? you called? - yeah, you know, i felt really terrible that you got me these lovely gloves and i didn't get you anything. - it's cool, really. - no, it's anything but cool. now, i haven't really had time to go out and buy you anything, but here goes. - "this coupon entitles you to one free tickle-monster attack." - yeah, they're nate coupons, or "na-pons," and they're all different. cash that one in and i will bring you a stick of gum. any time, any place. i'll find you.

- thanks. nice flowers. - thanks, they're from my m. - your mom? - yeah. - oh, so i guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? real deep-voiced woman. - yeah, that's her. - she said her name was brandon, i think. your mom's name is brandon? - yeah, darryl, my mom's name is brandon. - i guess i figured out where i stand. this is a love beanie. - okay, florida team, let's reconvene. - i'm going to florida and i'm not coming back.

- so sabre has set up a conference room for our use while we're at corporate. - so what is this special project? - basically, sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace. they want to setup their own version of an apple store. - that sounds awesome. - it did, it did. - you know what might be great is if instead of a genius bar, we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it. - yeah, and they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers before they see you so you don't have to carry it around like a dope. like a coat check. oh, don't write it down unless you like it. - oh, i like it. - it seems to me that the apple store is kind of like a party, so i think our question is, "how do we make this a better party?" - no, we sell business tools, and the stores need to reflect that. they need to be all business. let all the other stores look like a toy store. - right, think different from apple.

- dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us? - yes. what are my expectations for the group? i had been given the responsibility to manage stanley, a solid player. ryan, who is capable of surprises. erin, an excellent follower. and kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma. and, well, jim. under the right manager, that's not a bad team. perfectenschlag. try our fresh, new, house-made guacamole bites or savory new nacho bites. for a limited time, pair with two favorites for just $9.99. chili's triple dipper. more life happens here. we have got a safe driver headed toward the freeway. he is doing 44 in a 45, now looks like he is headed into a tunnel.

the headlights are coming on, it's dark in there, that's good. in the nation, safe just got a little more exciting. alright he's out. add vanishing deductible from nationwide insurance and get $100 off for every year of safe driving. he's entering the freeway, blinker is on. just another way we put members first. because we don't have shareholders. look at that. bill, that's a perfect merge. join the nation. i mean that was just, that was flawless. ♪ nationwide is on your side ♪ and more on how the fit makes us feel? take the special k challenge™, and slip into size sassy. ♪ hey, we're gonna have a good day ♪ car insurance companies say they'll save you by switching, you'd have, like, a ton of dollars. but how are they saving you those dollars? a lot of companies might answer "um" or "no comment." then there's esurance. born online, raised by technology and majors in efficiency. so whatever they save, you save. hassle, time, paperwork,

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- i don't know how i'm going to live here without you. - me neither. hey, will you put this coat on my chair? i just realized i'm not going to need it down there. - yes, i will take your coat and i will keep it with me. and i will sleep with it, because it smells like you. - no, no, no, no, just put it on my chair. - all right. - bye. - bye. - call me when you land. - i will. - safe travels. - good-bye. for a very, very long time. - hmm? okay. it's only three weeks. - all expenses paid. yeah, jim's going to be there. that marriage is not good. nobody knows better than me. definitely we will. it's three weeks in tallahassee. what else is there to do?

[ mom ] in my family, so we just look for this g. 'cause general mills makes over 40 yummy flavors that are 130 calories or less per serving. and they're packed with vitamins and minerals. from lucky charms to cheerios. over 40 cereals. 130 calories or less. [ laughs ] ♪ [ female announcer ] hey ladies. you love it. you've got to have it. cinnamon toast crunch, 'cause that cinnamon and sugar is so irresistible. everybody craves those crazy squares.®

right?! is this the bacon and cheese diet? this is the creamy chicken corn chowder. i mean, look at it. so indulgent. this is so much more... what's different? oh, it's my chicken and cheese enchilada diet. well keep it up, honey. it's working. oh, gracias! did i tell you i am on the... [ both ] chicken pot pieiet! me too! lisa, did iell you i'm on the... [ male announcer ] soups so indulgent, you'll never believe they're light. 100-calorie progresso light soups. the following program contains dangerous stunts that should not be reenacted and mature material. viewer discretion is advised. ♪ [ music ]

now on "whacked out sports," our lights are on for danger. a sledder goes cliff diving. a rider's stuck in reverse. plus, munchkin wrestling. should it be outlawed? here's why i'm taking you -- >> ing. chuck wagon racing. and the "whacked out sports top five." it's "whacked out sports," diving into an er near you right now.

hey thrill seekers, thanks for checking us out as we check these stunt junkies in, to the nearest emergency room. if you're a connoisseur of comas, concussions, or good ol' compound fractures, you've come to the right place. >> i read this interview with conan o'brien once. that's right, jerks, i can read. you should try it sometime. the reporter asked what's the funniest thing in the world? conan said when someone hurts himself while trying to show off. conan, i hope you're watching. there he goes. nope. almost. hmm, he crashed out of eye shot. that wasn't very satisfying.

ah, that's more like it. i don't wish ill on ace jones but you can't pull stunts like this with such attitude and not expect something bad to happen. they say pried goeth without a fall. there's the pride, and there's the fall. all right, my peeps and peepettes, to scene i can switzerland where the clocks aren't the only thing coo-coo. welcome to the world of the european professional hang gliding circuit. here we are at lake oh my god, i'm drowning with mitch michaelson is demonstrating the loopy loop of death. >> i have not excited. i hadn't been traveling or doing competitions for a couple of years and i had just broken up

with a girlfriend. >> yeah, yeah, world smallest violin. get looping, i'm on a tight schedule. that's better. now we can see mitch in action, flying and looping and -- thing he knows his wind's on fire? whatever. the flaming loop deloop of death is a dangerous trick and he needs a set of bells to pull it off. that's hard to switch watch. here's an idea, how about renaming the loop de loop of death to hitting the loop at 75 miles an hour and having your lungs filled with water. not as catchy, but peoplenow what to expect. you know, i get asked all the time, announcer boy, how come there's so many car crashes on your show? despite what you think, it's not just to get