hey. what up, bro-seph lieberman? no, uh-uh. randy, we never use the word "bro" in the name of a failed democratic vice presidential candidate. good-bye, "geraldine ferrar-bro." you know what? i'm excited about this, randy. you will be my next masterpiece. it's like with ted. when i first met him, he was an even bigger loser than you. what a loser. but tonight, i am going to make you the greatest wingman in the history of wingmen. oh, well, it's gonna be easier than you think, bro. yeah, i've been reading your blog for years. you are like a god to me. that's why tonight is going to be legendary-- wait for it-- dary. oh. okay, randy, let's do this. (under breath): okay.

you ready? yes. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! what? what's the matter? nothing. let's do this. no, no, no, no, no, please, please, please. just wait. just wait. just wait. just wait! randy, what are you doing? dripping with game, that's what i'm doing. okay, let's go. no. let's... yes. no! randy, listen to me: you can do this, okay? oh, i don't know. are those girls really that hot? yes, they're hot. let's do this. okay! hey, ladies. have you met... hey, guys. hey. hey. so, uh, looking forward to tonight? yeah. definitely. it's been such a long time since i've had a night out. yeah, we heard. i would explode if it had been that long since i had a "night out." this one wakes me up

at 4:00 a.m. sometimes just to have a little "night out." um, what are you guys talking about? nothing. pizza. what are you talking about? hey, guys. ted, you told them, didn't you? told them what? you told them that i haven't had sex in five years. you haven't had sex in five years?! that is a shocking revelation that we're just finding out about right now. [ male announcer ] the real power in these tools isn't just the motor. it's the potential to turn plans into projects and rooms into remodels. it's the freedom to turn a single lithium battery into hours of doing. with guaranteed low prices on the names we know and friends in orange with all we need to know, let's unleash the raw power of possibility. more saving. more doing.

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stella, i'm sorry, i shouldn't have told them. but they're my best friends. i tell them everything. i-i didn't even think about it. ted, that was so personal. plus, now your friends think i'm a freak. no, they don't. look, i realize it's weird, okay? not many people go five years without having sex. 13 years?! i peaked really young. that's why it was difficult for me to tell you. but i did tell you because i thought that i could trust you. you can trust me. obviously i can't. you know, there's always a reason not to sleep with a guy, and you just gave me yours. wait, did i give you a reason, or were you looking for one? why would i be looking for one? because things are getting serious between us, and that scares you.

good night, ted. (door slams) okay, randy, now, tell me, without looking at your hand, what are the three beginner techniques for picking up a woman at a bar? isolate her from her friends; repeat her name in conversation; subtly put her down. excellent. now... let's put those to use. i'm right behind you. hi, i'm randy. what's your name? haley. haley. haley, that's a pretty name, haley. haley... come here, haley. um... okay. haley, you are a fat, ugly whore. oh, hey. we got two live ones.

new plan: this time follow my lead. evening, ladies. oh, i like your brooch. what is that? oh, it's a koala bear. i think they're adorable. no way! my friend randy here is the leading expert on koala bears in australia! he's in town working with the bronx zoo. you are? that is so cool. what is your favorite thing about koala bears? their... meat is delicious. i'm sorry, barney. ah, it's okay. new plan: we need to get you comfortable just saying words to women. now, there's no reason to be nervous, because my friend robin has agreed to help out. because you threatened to put a video of us on the internet, which i'm still not convinced you have. right, which is why you came all the way from brooklyn at midnight.

now, randy, let's keep it simple. just start by introducing yourself. hi. my name is randy. hi, randy. how are you? i'm good. how are you? good, thank you. great. you're doing really, really well. now, ask her what she's doing later. what are you doing later? yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet. oh, god. this happens every time i get an erection. i am so sorry. (sighs) okay. okay, new plan. we wrap his face in gauze so he can't bleed or talk. you are the woman... barney, why are you so desperate to have this happen? i'm a wingman. that's what wingmen do. is it possible that you're trying to fill the void of losing ted by rushing into a new wingman relationship? what are you saying? i'm saying that randy is your rebound bro. no. that's crazy.

what randy and i have is real. no, it's not, barney. and even if you got randy laid tonight, would it feel anywhere near as meaningful as when you got ted laid? he was just so happy the next morning, you know? i know. all right. it hasn't clotted, but i think it's pretty much draining backwards now. randy... i've been thinking, this isn't working out. yeah, i figured. i knew i couldn't fly this close to the sun without getting burned. this is the story of my life. i always let people down. you, my dad, the chief. the chief? yeah, i was a cop for, like, three months. but i got kicked off the force because i screwed up so much, i was an insurance liability. you were a new york city police officer, and you didn't tell me? wow! did you ever shoot anybody? only all the time. but not himself. and not in the foot. actually... ah, bah, bah, bah, bah. but nothing.

i don't think there's anything hotter than a cop. are you okay? your nose is bleeding. uh, old injury. the bullet's still lodged in his sinus. oh, my god! you know what? i live right around the corner. can i take you to my place and fix you up? that would be very nice. yes. have a great time, you two. (whispering): oh, my god, thank you. i can't thank you enough. i am the greatest wingman of all time. ted doesn't know what he's missing. (voice cracking): you had to mention ted, didn't you? (knocking) okay, i really overreacted last night. i'm sorry. (sighs) maybe i have some trust issues, but believe me, i have earned them. you said that i was looking for a reason for this whole thing to fall apart.

well, you're on to me, ted. that's actually something that i do a lot. but i'm not going to do that with you. ted... i'm in. this is awkward. i have a girl here. so... come on. there is something that i'm ready to do with you. ♪ who's that looking in the mirror? ♪ ♪ gonna take your time... ted, this is lucy. hi, lucy. lucy, this is ted. narrator: stella and i thought our relationship was going to take a big step that weekend. turned out, it took an even bigger one.

hey fox! hey washington. how's it going bro? hey man. physical therapy makes kandahar look like summer camp. i end up whining like jackson! jackson! man i'll tell you, that dude was a trip. that's the truth. how about you man? how you doing? well it's like you said , sessions are tough, but i gotta' get back on track. so, it is helpin'? yeah, man. i've been sleepin' like a baby. i even went easier on the class six. alright man. i'm glad you made that call to the hotline. yeah man, me too. i'm a veteran and these services are for us. we've earned them. whether your wounds are visible or not treatment works. treatment works. treatment works. and calling the confidential veterans hotline can help. i know. call 800-273-8255 and press 1.

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they're the better way to enjoy your fiber. garlique's clinically tested ingredient hey, ask our doctor about garlique, okay? maintains healthy cholesterol naturally. eat right. exercise. garlique. no time for coffee. try 5-hour energy - it's ready right now. no waiting. no hassle. let's do this. she's sound asleep. oh. she is so great. i think so. so, uh, i was thinking, my sister is in town until tomorrow. and, uh, there's a motel just down the turnpike. hmm. (panting) wow, that was amazing! oh, yeah. what are you doing? i got to call marshall and lily, tell them about this. (thud) ow! captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

[grunts] ty... what's going on? nothing. ever since clint and those kids got here, you've been acting pretty weird. i'm fine, amy. it's just my damn truck. well, you can't hide out in here all weekend. i'm not a camp counselor, amy. it's not my job to deal with those kids. yeah, and it's not my job, either. but with clint gone, we're just gonna have to make it work. at least you have some experience with...

with what? i just mean that you probably know a lot more about tara and badger than i do. why? because i got into trouble when i was a kid? that makes me an expert? you know what i mean. if you think i'm gonna sit around the fire with these kids, swap stories about our hard-knock lives, and sing "kumbaya," you've seen one too many after-school specials. [indistinct chatter] are you sure i can't get you something, jack? no, thanks. i'm just curious to know why you called me here. um...i have to have some tests done on monday. well, i hope that's nothing serious. well, my doctor's probably just being overly cautious, but, um...they have to put me under, and i--i was just wondering if you wouldn't mind... driving me there and back.

i mean, i--i know--heh! it's kind of out of left field, huh? but, actually, i--i didn't know who else to ask. oh, of course i'll drive you, val. you don't even have to ask. i appreciate it. i know this is none of my business, but don't you think you might want to mention this to your daughter? no. no, i--i don't want to worry ashley over nothing. it's...it's better this way. trust me. man, on tv: this is a charming, delightful snake-- you did not just do that. i don't think clint brought you here so you could watch tv all day. i'm just checking out the big snake. you should have seen it. right. so you're not avoiding your riding lessons at all. oh, well, the thing with my riding lessons is that i'm more of an advanced/intermediate, so the beginner class is just not working for me. mm-hmm. you're not afraid of horses at all?

no. good, because mallory's waiting for you in the barn. [sighs] this is copper. he's my horse. well, sort of. i train him, i groom him. anyway, he's a super-gentle horse, so he's really good for beginners. yeah, hillary duff, before you, like, bust out into a musical number or something, you should know i'm not into horses. ok, then what are you into? i don't know. music, slasher movies, japanese game shows, boys. i'm into boys. yeah, i bet. i'm sure they love you, too. all that pep. i do all right. my last boyfriend got on my nerves, so... i zapped him with a stun gun. zzzt!

that's how i wound up on probation. does that freak you out? no. bet you've got a pink room, like, filled with stuffed bunnies, two perfect parents who tuck you in every night. am i right? ok, i'm gonna saddle copper up and then we can get started. i told you, i don't want to ride your stupid horse, ok? god, you horse girls are so annoying. ok. why do you got to be so mean about it? what are you gonna do? you gonna call the warden? maybe you could call the care bears. they could come to heartland on a caring mission and cure me with their care bear stare. [nickers] zzzt! ha! thanks. hey, lou. oh! oh, my god! i can't believe i just did that again.

it's ok. you know, ever since i met you, my dry cleaning bills have doubled. it's, like, bizarre. i am so sorry. don't be. don't worry about it. you know, it's my fault. i should know by now not to get in your way. no, um, you know, i'm--i'm such a klutz and-- wow. i am really embarrassed, so i'm just gonna go. well, wait, wait, wait. so we're not gonna-- like, about the flowers i sent you or anything? peter, listen-- i know what you're gonna say, actually, and i totally agree. flowers are a lame gift. incredibly lame, actually. i'm gonna get you something else, something better. this is not about the flowers, ok? what happened between us was a mistake, and, you know, just because there's an attraction between us-- wait, wait, wait. there's an attraction? is--isn't there? yeah. absolutely. that is--that is not the point. the point is that... maybe online things worked out, but in reality, we are from different universes, and i am running a campaign against the oil company you own. that is bound to be awkward, so...

we just--we have to be practical here. so...good-bye. [door opens, closes] man, on tv: ...allow us to kind of engage and interact where she can move around a little bit more. down in front. you think you know everything about me, but you don't. ok, so, yeah, so i do have a stuffed bunny and his name's knucklehead, but you were wrong about all that other stuff, like my parents. they don't tuck me in every night, because they're not here. they haven't been around for months, so that's why i live at heartland. and, yeah, everyone may seem nice and stuff, but nobody ever really pays any attention to me, so sometimes i feel the only one that's happy to see me is copper. wow. reese witherspoon, you really did deserve that oscar. ok. i don't really care what you think about me, but just to let you know, you're not the only one in the world with problems.

[rock music playing on radio] ♪ it's hard to come by... [singing continues indistinctly] tangiers? haven't heard them in a while. yeah? well, i'm old. obviously. nobody listens to trashy garage rock anymore. now it's all about "hannah montana." yeah, well, mallory can lend you one of her albums if you're jonesing for a miley fix. yeah, right. you know, clint said he used to be your probation officer. what'd you do? it's none of your business. oh, so it's a big secret, huh? whatever. it's not like i want to hear some big sob story anyway. i'm just glad there's at least one cool person here. i'm not cool, believe me. you seem pretty cool to me. of course, i always fall for the moody, damaged types.

if you like tangiers, you will love these guys. they're called hey, rosetta. ♪ i've been asleep... it's, like, total back-to-basics rock, you know, without any of that earnest, post-grunge radio crap. ♪ blonde hair and brown... your boyfriend's here. he's not my boyfriend. badger, leave me alone, ok? stop being like a creepy stalker. ♪ but i was asleep go. ♪ for all the time... they're totally sick, right? yeah, they're good. [nickers]

[horses whinny] what's going on with the horses? amy: how did they get out? ty. ty, come on. go block the door. what the hell do you think you're doing? hey. come on, badger. you don't want to do this. come on. give me the hook. tara: oh! ok! chill out, badger. relax. nobody's gonna hurt you. i told you i was gonna watch your back, ok? that's what i'm doing. hey! hand it over.

jack: ty! what's going on in here? ty: nothing. i got it under control.

tara: badger's sort of down a bit.

he gets like that sometimes, but he really wouldn't hurt anybody. ty: yeah, right. he's not a bad guy. so how come he never talks? i don't know. he just won't. all i know is what kids say about him around the group home. his stepdad messed him up quite a bit, so sometimes he freaks out about stuff. hey, ty, thanks for not squealing on him. i knew you wouldn't. what's that supposed to mean? well, just that that would make you a hypocrite, wouldn't it? i mean, especially after all the stuff you must have pulled when you were our age. look, i don't know what you've heard, but whatever you think you know about me, you're wrong. so like i said before, mind your own business. god, you are such a drama queen. what is your problem? [door opens]

are you gonna tell me what the heck was going on out there? let's just say the sooner those kids leave, the better. i remember thinking the same thing about you once. you know, when you first got here, i couldn't wait for you to mess up so i could kick your ass out of here... and i almost did, several times. but, in the end, you proved me wrong. you know, you proved a lot of people wrong, so maybe you ought to give those kids a chance to do the same. [sighs] look, i'm sorry about the whole reese witherspoon thing, ok? it's just... you seem so perfect, like, popular and stuff, like. you should be the student council president. are you kidding? all the kids at school think i'm weird.

maybe you should bring me to school with you on monday. they'd have a whole new definition of weird. maybe they'd make you president of the student council. i'm so sure. so...do you think maybe we could start over with cooper or goober? copper? whatever. i thought you weren't into horses. i'm not, but this place doesn't have cable. [ashley giggling] now, that's some nasty wieners and beans. ha ha! amy! hey, you're just in time for dinner. good. i'm starving. well, don't get too excited. it's just wieners. not just wieners. wieners and beans. and for dessert, we're having whipped cream straight out of the can. how cool is that? ashley's idea. hey, hey! now, don't ruin your dinner.

i don't care! i've emancipated myself from my mother, and i can do what i want, right, amy? yeah, i guess. well, at least share. heads up! yeah. that's pretty good stuff. want some, amy? no, i should probably get going. well, you just got here. hey, what's the matter? i don't know. i should just probably go. you might as well get back to your little party there. maybe later, you and ashley can have whipped-cream fights. i thought we talked about this. you said you trusted me. i thought i did, too, caleb. i don't get why people go crazy over horses. they just seem like big poo machines to me. well, they're really smart, and you can tell them secrets because they're pretty much guaranteed that they won't tell anyone. kind of like a horse therapist?

[sighs] ok, copper. here i come, so you better not slobber on me. [nickers] i can't do it. he's gonna eat my arm off. i know it. ok, he won't hurt you. i promise. tara: badger, what are you doing? oh, my god, he's eating it. are you seeing this? yeah. i think he likes you. [tara chuckles] [pop music playing] ♪ i want you ♪ i don't need... that is about as much math as i can stand on a saturday night. sorry. it's just, no matter how hard i study, i always feel like i'm playing catch-up to everyone else. you know, in all this time that i've been helping you with your homework, you've never told me why you didn't finish high school. i just wasn't a very good student.

i find that hard to believe. you've been getting straight a's on everything we've done so far. well...maybe if i had a hot tutor like you back in the day, i'd have made the honor roll. ♪ ...i'll never forget your face... ♪ so who was that guy that we saw this morning? you know, the wrestler? it's nobody. hey, how about some dessert, huh? here, you pick. you know what i like best about math? it's that if i work at it hard enough, i always find the answer. but with you, ty borden, no matter what i do, i always end up with more questions. ♪ i got a feelin' the woman who treats... ♪ dibs on the bed. ok, i guess i'll just sleep on the floor, then. hey. dibs on the bed. nuh-uh! i called it. you'll have to fight me for it. uh, mallory, what are you doing here?

lou said i could sleep over. [gasps] ok, this night just keeps getting better and better. aah! i will suffocate you! [mallory and tara laughing] hey. hey. any room here for a slumber party reject? [chuckles] yeah, sure. where's badger? he's sleeping. you're not such a bad camp counselor after all. yeah, right. are you gonna tell me what's been going on with you? it's nothing, amy. ty. it's just... clint brought those kids here thinking i'm some kind of poster boy, and i'm not. maybe he's just proud of you. there's nothing wrong with that. you don't understand, amy.

i want to, ty. all right. when i was... a bit younger than badger, my mom married this new guy, and he was... let's just say that he made my real dad look like a saint. and i promised myself that when i got older, i'd pay him back for everything, and i did. probably would have killed him if the neighbors hadn't called the cops. and then that's when i met clint. uh, everybody at the group home used to say, "you don't meet clint unless they really think you're hopeless." well, they were wrong, weren't they? i'm not so sure about that. i don't regret what i did, amy. i'd do it again if i had to.

[mallory and tara laughing] mallory: hey! oh! you should go. you don't have to say anything, amy. ty. [clattering within] go, before they completely destroy the cabin. you know, for what it's worth, i, uh... i'm really glad that clint brought you here. good night. [firewood crackling]

shh! [laughing] you shh! [both laughing] [sighs] [owl hoots] tara: i have never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life, except maybe ty borden. i kissed him once. shut up! you and ty macked out? well, it was kind of impulsive, and he didn't really kiss back, so it didn't really count. oh, it counts. you are, like, my new hero. you must have some serious mojo. mallory mojo. ha ha ha! what about you and badger?

i like badger... but i don't know. it's hard to know where he's at. he, like, never talks and he's just so... damaged. i don't know. sometimes he scares me, but anyway, i want to hear all about your kiss with ty, starting from what you had for breakfast that morning. ha ha! mallory: oh, my god. [birds chirping] ty: badger! badger! badger! ty, what is it? badger took off. tara: he probably went out for a smoke. no, i checked everywhere, and one of the horses is missing, too. mallory, take tara inside, ok? screw that. hey, do you want us to find him or not? come on. let's split up. you take bank river trail and i'll go down by ryder ridge.

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badger. all right? let's get you out of here. you ok? come on. let's get you warmed up here. let's get you warmed up-- come on. you don't want my jacket? fine! if you want to die down here, i don't care, but you putting that horse in danger? that was a really stupid thing to do! leave...me...alone. wow. you actually do talk. i don't want your help. so that's it? you're done? giving up? [panting] something like that. well, that's crap. clint gave you a chance when you got here, and you just blew it. you probably just bought yourself a one-way ticket to a locked unit. who cares? i bet tara does.

no, she doesn't. she just thinks i'm a freak. oh, gee, i wonder why that is. this whole not talking thing--i don't know a lot of girls that are into that. it's too late. no, it's not. trust me, i know. come on. let's get you out of here. 1, 2, 3. ty: he went out for a smoke, and he must have gotten lost. it happens sometimes. bush is awful thick in that part of the ranch. and he took a bit of a spill on his way back, but he's ok now. right. well, i'll put that in my report. glad to hear that, for the most part, the kids were well-behaved. judging from the success of the weekend, i'll definitely be bringing more kids out here to

the dude ranch in the future. jack: anytime, clint. anytime. duly noted. are you sure about this? of course i'm sure. you're gonna look so bad-ass. go like this. your parents are gonna totally freak when they see you. all right, but remember our deal: if i do this, you have to ride copper. [sighs] i'm a woman of my word. oh. peter, huh? another gift? internet boy's got it bad for you. amy, give it back. no, not until you tell me what's going on. i mean, how was your date? what did he look like? well, he was... he was very. goth? what? really?

no, not peter. you got to see this. what are you looking at? nothing. i'm just glad to see the riding lessons are going well. whatever. i think it might just be a phase. hey, what did i tell you about smoking? hey, ty... thanks for not telling on me...twice. don't worry about it. i'm, uh... i'm gonna try talking to tara. yeah? pretty brave move. you sure you're up for that?

no. heh! but, uh, i guess i'm gonna do it anyway... before it really is too late.

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ashley, what are you doing here? jack called me. [truck door closes] why didn't you say anything? um...honey, it's just some tests. whatever this is, mom, i'm not gonna let you do it alone. look, just get in the car. don't argue with me. i don't want to fight anymore. ok. but just give me a sec, all right? val... i know it wasn't my place, but, uh... hmm.

♪ everyone around ♪ wants to give you their things... ♪ hey. oh, spill-proof mug. world's a safer place. yeah, it keeps my coffee warm, too. oh, yeah? yeah. better gift than flowers, right? what am i doing here? i--i don't even know you. well, here's what we're gonna do. we're gonna have an actual conversation-- no instant messaging, no spontaneous make-out sessions, just two people talking, all right? what do you think? i think that i can handle that. well, good. ahem. great. ok. that's not to say that the spontaneous making out couldn't happen later, you know, i'm-- just in case. don't push it.

♪ ...if i could give it away ♪ ♪ i'd send you flowers in... ♪ hey, what's the matter? [voice cracks] it's my mother. i just took her to the clinic. what if she's really sick? [sniffles] i don't have anyone else. hey, you've got me. ♪ ...i don't ♪ wish for this home... ah, so this is where you've been hiding-- shh. [whispers] check it out. ♪ ...is not yours alone... amy: wow. badger's actually talking. [giggles] ♪ ...it goes on and on... what do you think they're saying? i don't know. ♪ ...everyone around...

[tara giggles] whatever he's saying, it worked. ♪ ...their hands ty, um... you know those things you said last night about your stepdad? ♪ ...everyone around why didn't you ever tell me? ♪ puts their hands on your back ♪ i never told anyone that stuff before. ♪ and they say ♪ we want to thank you so much ♪ ♪ we want to thank you so... ♪ hey, you two! get a room! [chuckles] just having some tender chicken and some tasty noodles. let's see...south western vegetables...60 calories. ya' know those jeans look nice. they do? yup. so you were checking me out? yup. [ male announcer ] progresso. 40 soups 100 calories or less.

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♪ ...the night ♪ 'cause all he did for them ♪ you also did for us