it's over. what's this? some kind of show on how to eat right and stay healthy as you age. so change it. spence: hey, doug? yeah. there's half a bag of m&ms under the seat. how old are they? i just got 'em the other day. they're fine. wait a minute. are they plain or peanut? spence: let me look. peanut. hey, they taste weird. hey. hey, rich. hey, spence. hey, deacon. listen, can't stay. just wanted to return your casserole dish. oh, and you were right, by the way. that cold lasagna made a good breakfast. what's this from? huh? oh, me and kelly had dinner over here last night. oh, yeah? all right, well, you know what, deac? thanks for bringing it by. you take it easy now, all right? all right. later on. oh, by the way, we can't do a movie on thursday night after all. we gotta go see kelly's mom, you know? no problem. i'll see you on monday. monday, not a fun day, ok?

quit pushing me, man. yeah, whatever. good. you had deac and his wife over for dinner last night? no, no, no. i mean, they were here, and there was food, and we all ate it. if that's having them over for dinner, then... whatever. come on. what's the deal? i've asked you, like, 67 times if you and carrie want to do something with me and marie, and you're always too busy. really? are we? yeah. huh. so, you wanna do something? absolutely. yes, you know? hey, let's check with the wives and we'll, at some point, we'll look towards penciling in a date on the books, huh? what about thursday? hmm. can't say. don't have my book with me. you're free. you had deac for thursday. he just canceled. just open your little book, cross out deacon, write "richie."

you can even keep the "e." ok, yeah, yeah. thursday's good. all right. all right. hey! hi. carrie, i need to talk-- not now. gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee. smell me. i'm sorry. i heard "smell me." that's right. come on, now. i don't have all day. smell me. do i smell like a meadow after a fresh morning rain? i'm not gettin' that. those bastards!

big gulps and traffic jams do not mix. so what's up? nothing. i just wanted to let you know that deacon and kelly, they can't make it thursday. oh, really? that's too bad. but, you know, not to worry 'cause i saved the night. got another couple to fill in. so i'll see you thursday, all right? who's coming over? richie and marie. no! carrie, it's only a couple of hours. so is childbirth, but i don't wanna do that on thursday, either. what can i do? richie asks me, like, every week. i can't keep putting the guy off. his feelings are getting hurt. honey, richie's fine. i've got no problem with him. it's that marie i'd like to smack. she's not that bad. doug, she's stupid, loud, and doesn't give a crap about anybody but herself. she gives a crap. please. the only reason why you guys don't see how obnoxious she is is because you all think she's so hot.

she's hot? hmm. i never thought of her... i don't know. hot. i'll watch for that. i, uh... shut up. come on, carrie. one dinner. look, if you do it, i'll let you have sex with me. huh, huh? you can dress me up like a big baby. ok, but i'm not changing you. so, thursday? dinner at 7:00. they get 2 hours, and i'm timing it. thank you. yeah, yeah. just put away the groceries, butch. we're in luck, douglas. are we? they sell this lousy deodorant, and they think no one will read the fine print. but i do. and you know why? 'cause you got nothing else to do? no. because i'm nobody's sap. here. read this. no cap, huh?

ok, thanks. "not completely satisfied, return the unused portion, "and we'll send you a full refund and a free stick of your old deodorant." you're in the delivery business. get that out for me tomorrow, first thing. oh... and tell them my old brand is macgregor's extra strength. macgregor's? they'll know. unh! and you know, i always thought those psychic phone lines were for idiots, but the woman told me i was attractive, intelligent, and had wonderful people skills. and this is somebody who never met me. ooh. that is spooky.

hey, carrie, that chicken a la... whatever was terrific. thank you, richie. oh, yeah. looked delicious. i've just made a moral decision not to eat anything with a face. sorry. that's ok. i'll eat anything that doesn't have a driver's license. hey, marie, you know, carrie just started working for this big-time law firm in manhattan. how's that goin'? personally, i would never consider getting a job. i think it's more important for me to be there for this one, to take care of him, make him a good home. but that's just me. i'm not judging you. great. now i can sleep. hey, kids, let me supersize those drinks for you.

no, no, no. i can get it. i'll get it. i got it. ng? carrie, come on. come on what? could you please try to be nice to marie? i am trying. if i weren't trying, she would have a fork sticking out of her neck. wow. i'm sorry, hon. i really just cannot stand that girl. look, i know she's obnoxious, but she's not all bad. i mean, she's obviously very devoted to richie. yeah, right. she is. she's not. trust me. what do you mean? nothing. forget it. tell me. if you have something-- just forget it. you don't wanna know. i do! no, you don't. carrie, if you have something to say, say it. she cheats on richie. what... like in...poker? no, like in...sex.

so, this is goin' great, huh? it's going fine, richie. ah, moose, i don't know why we waited so long to do this. hey, next weekend, atlantic city, the 4 of us. ohhhh! oh. this is another! ta-daa! try charmin ultra strong. it cleans so well and you can use up to four times less than the leading value brand. oh! there it is. thanks son. hey! [ female announcer ] charmin ultra strong has a duraclean texture that can help you get clean while still using less. and it's four times stronger versus the leading value brand. charmin ultra strong helps keep you and your underwear clean. we all go. why not enjoy the go with charmin ultra strong?

aúaú ok, well, chathis was great.ng helps keep you and your underwearyeah.n. yeah, it was a lotto fun. we have to do it again real soon. we'll call ya. real soon, soon. yeah, definitely. all right, take care now. she really cheats on him? hey! atlantic city, right? yeah! no stoppin' me. all right. all right, man, ok. you're kiddin' me? she ch-- ohh! gotta stop doin' that. forgot my keys. oh, ok. forgot the keys. all right. all right. bye. ohh! ohh! so how do you know?

a friend of mine works with one of the guys she sleeps with. one of them? oh, god. things are getting worse. i'm sorry, but it's absolutely true. i can't believe this. i mean, from watching her tonight, you'd never know she was fooling around. hon, she's not gonna do it in our living room. she's crafty. so why did you just spring this on me tonight? why didn't you tell me when you first found out? because i didn't think you wanted to know. i don't wanna know! why'd you have to tell me at all? wait a minute. are you mad at me for telling you or not telling you? yes. both. well, then i apologize. i was wrong to tell you, wrong not to tell you, and i'm probably wrong for saying i'm wrong. well, it's too late for apologies. i already know it. can't un-know it. i need some kind of cake. douglas, i'm starting to get worried about this deodorant business.

i haven't gotten my new stick of macgregor in the mail. you sent my old one back, right? uh-huh. well, then they're obviously trying some monkey business. better give me the tracking number. the what? you know, for the package so i can follow up. oh, it's, uh... 2, 4, 6, 8... 10. got it. thank you. and, douglas, don't lose any sleep about this. i'm on the case. what's going on, dad? it's a whole crazy thing doug and i are wrapped up in. he'll get you up to speed. this whole richie thing is killing me. oh, i know, honey. it's rough on you guys to actually know real things about each other. it is. what do you think i should do?

should i tell him? well, he is your friend, and his wife is making a jerk out of him. i know i should tell him. it's just so personal. up until now, our relationship has been so simple. we watch the games, we drink beers, we eat chips, we never share a deep feeling or thought. i don't wanna lose that. i know, sweetie. she's really fooling around on him? can you believe it? hell, i believe it. i mean, come on, let's face it. marie's the type that needs a lot of attention and validation... and sex. ixnay. here he comes. hey, ladies, what's happenin'? what, you don't say hello? hey, richie! richie, richie! richie, what's up? hey, richie! what's with you guys? we're just, you know, foolin' around.

foolin' around! so, uh, moose, what's your answer on atlantic city? was carrie able to get out of jury duty? don't know. that judge won't call us back. gotta make this happen, moose. you know marie, she's friendly with all the pit bosses. she gets comped everywhere. anyway, you know what i was thinking? i mean, the 4 of us, we hang out so much, but we never really talk, you know, about real stuff. you wanna talk about real stuff? sure. i'll give it a shot. doug: ok. let's do it. here's something. you ever think about relatives who have died and wonder what they look like right now? ok, not that real, all right? i was thinking more like, i don't know... uh, let's see... like marriage, you know? oh. good one. yeah. a lot of good stuff in marriage, huh? a lot of bad stuff, too, though. yeah.

hey, how about that bad stuff, huh? um... pantyhose on the shower rod? i hate that! hate it! or how about when she uses your razor on her legs? my mom does that. uhhh! what about this toilet seat business? up, down, what do they want, right? yeah. it's crazy! it's crazy, you know? hey, how about when they have sex with, like, another guy, huh? oh, man! that's rough. what are you sayin', moose? are you saying that carrie's cheated on you? yes, i am. oh, man. i'm so sorry. i never would've thought that carrie would do that. i was upset, too, until i found out how common it is. it's so...common. you think?

yeah, i mean... deac's wife, she cheated on him. really? well, i gotta tell ya, your wife kinda does send out that vibe. all right, hey, easy, easy, easy! the point is, we can't let it make us crazy, you know? you gotta just, you know, brush it all off, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get back on your horse. jeez, i gotta say, you guys handled this a lot better than i would. if it were me, i'd probably drive my car into a tree 'cause i'd feel like my life was over. that's 2, 4, 6, 8... 10. well, check it again. i'm dealing with morons here. look, if my son-in-law says he sent it to you people, then he sent it!

yeah, i'll hold. arthur, forget this. here. let me give you 5 bucks for some new deodorant. let them win? never! hey. hey, honey. how'd it go? did you talk to richie? up. listen, if it ever comes up, you had an affair with milt housner from the recycling center. what? i was trying to ease into telling richie, saying that a lot of wives cheat on their husbands, including...you. oh. but milt housner? the guy with the weird lump on his forehead? why couldn't you say it was kenny from walbaum's? the box boy. uh-huh. the one who delivers here every week. uh-huh. first of all, he's never delivering here again. and second of all, i already told richie it was milt housner. i can't switch names now. well, could you add kenny? all right, stop!

so what happened? did you finally tell richie? i couldn't, i couldn't. he was just sitting there, looking at me with those sad eyes. i just, i can't do that kind of thing, carrie. it's not in me. i know. you're just a big softie. but at least you tried. thanks for understanding. by the way, start packing. we're going to atlantic city with them. no. carrie, the only way to get out of it was to tell him about marie, and i couldn't do that, ok? so we have to go. i don't have to go. i have fake jury duty. come on. it's only for the weekend. huh? i know who's gonna be at the taj mahal. a certain mr. don rickles, huh? hey, irish guy, where's your whiskey? i grant you, the man is a genius, but i'm still not going. honey, whether you tell him or not, that's up to you. but if we go away with them like 2 happy, peppy couples. then we're only helping her deceive richie,

and that's just not right. i know. you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna stop being a wimp about this. i'm gonna take him to lunch tomorrow, get a few beers in him, and i'll tell him the truth. there you go. yeah. feels good. moose, you've been staring at me for 45 minutes. what is it? i am not going to atlantic city. moose... what the hell is this? doug, if you say the words "atlantic" or "city" again, i will hurt you. carrie, i've tried to tell him. i just can't find the right moment.

well, keep trying. all right, baby, we need an 8. we need an 8. come on, give me an 8. big 8! big 8! here we go. by the way, your wife's cheating on you. yeah! yeah, all right! yeah! what? so, you, uh... you all moved into your brother's place? yeah. yeah, 2 days ago. listen, moose, thanks again for telling me. i'm sorry i threw up on you. well, it was bad news. that 75-cent shrimp cocktail didn't help, either. so you and marie, have you started that counseling yet? yeah. the guy's great, too. we went together the first time, but marie feels that since the problems are mostly her fault, she wants to see the guy alone for a while. all right.

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good night.

>> they just got that car. i know -- i ain't seen that car in this neighborhood. i know that ain't their car. and that ain't her husband. >> what are you doing?

>> cora, i didn't know you had facial hair. you're gonna have to start shaving like your mama. >> mr. brown, what you doing out here? >> oh, nothing. i'm not doing nothing. >> are you snooping on the new neighbors, mr. brown? >> no. >> you need to mind your own business. come on in this house. >> cora -- >> just so nosy. >> this is my business. they could be some vicious kidnappers out there to come take me. >> take you where, clothes shopping? >> cor-- don't be like that, cora. do you want your daddy's face to be on the front of a chocolate milk carton? >> i should be so lucky. >> you are lucky. you're lucky to have a daddy like me to protect you. i'm telling -- i can pick out a robber from a thousand paces. >> well, it's too bad you can't pick out a matching shirt and pants. >> what you talking about? this match. look -- lot of colors, lot of colors -- bam! >> amazing. >> hey, everybody. whoa. that's a lot of colors. >> i told you. matching, don't it? >> so, what's for breakfast? >> a warm bowl of, "derek, go

the heck home, please." >> i'd rather have eggs. good morning, miss cora. >> good morning, sweetie. how are you? >> ooh! look. look -- they got a flat-screen tv. you know what? this is suspicious. this is real suspicious. >> everybody got a flat-screen tv but y'all. >> i'm not trying to keep up with the jetsons. >> you ain't keepin' up with the flintstones. >> [ laughing ] that's a good one, derek. that's a good one. [ laughs ] >> what is that? look -- what -- what is there? what is that? >> let me see. let me see. let me see. >> hold on. you're hurting -- derek, you're about to choke -- you're hurting my neck. you're hurting my neck. >> what neck? >> ohh. >> ooh, that was good. boy, you are rolling. dang! >> that's a clothes steamer. >> never heard of it. >> of course you haven't. polyester doesn't wrinkle. >> [ laughs ] that's a good one, boy! you are good!

>> you don't need no suit made out of her! let that girl go! [ doorbell rings ] i hope that ain't -- hope that ain't derek. you want some food? here. >> i prefer wheat. >> oh, excuse me. i'm so sorry. >> i'm officer roberts, and this is officer whitney. >> oh, y'all are po-po? >> i prefer "undercover." >> ugh. whatever you do on your time off is your business. >> can we come inside? >> uh, you sure you don't need a research warranty? >> we would only need a search warrant if we wanted to search your house. >> look -- christie love got a nasty attitude. come on in. you just -- ohh, you ain't got to shake your neck and do all that. >> sir, have you noticed anything strange about your new neighbors? >> uh, yes. ohh, you got to see them. down the street, the colonel live with a moose. yeah, it's a new reality show. i think it's called

"animal love." would you like a sandwich? >> no. >> you sure? >> we believe your new neighbors are involved in subversive activity. >> shut up! they been in a submarine, and there ain't even no water in atlanta. >> we think they're breaking the law. >> and we need to use your house for a stakeout. >> uh, that's just -- oh, look at -- no wonder we can't get nothing done around here. we got people out there breaking the law, and y'all want to come over here and do a cookout? when did y'all trade in donuts for ribs? >> a stakeout is when we hide in your house to gather evidence against a suspect. "stakeout." >> oh! oh, like real detective work? >> absolutely. that doesn't make you nervous, now, does it? >> oh, no. i could be a private detective. yes. i'm something like one, anyway. you mind if i get me one them shoe phones? just give me a size 6. >> are you kidding me? >> we don't have shoe phones.

but, uh, i can give you...these. >> wait a minute. shut up! i'm a po-po? freeze! don't move! >> shh! >> we have to keep this a secret. >> yes, we don't want anyone getting hurt. >> okay, i'll keep it down. i'll keep it down. i don't want everybody to know i'm a secret asian. i do, like, kung fu, kung pao chicken, and i solve crimes. >> well, congratulations. >> thank you. >> welcome to the team. >> thank you. let's get something straight before i get started. i got to give you my rules. okay, first of all, i don't report to nobody. i get off at 2:00, and i need a throwdown weapon with the serial number scraped off the side of it. i need a full dvd set of "t.j. hooker." you never can do too much research. and, uh... who loves ya, baby?

>> and in here is the reception area, and this is where we do our -- renee. renee. >> i'm busy. >> what, are you meditating? >> no. medicating. ooh, yeah. [ laughs ] the red pill just kicked in. oh, yeah. [ laughs ] [ sighs ] okay. how may i help you? >> renee, i need you to run these files over to cardiology. >> oh, right away. ooh. oh, wow. i forgot that baby was 100 milligrams. [ chuckles ] okay, take it slow. all right. >> renee, would you hurry? cardiology is waiting. >> uh, do you want me to take them? >> hey, hey, hey, rent-a-kid, she can't make you work. there are child-labor laws to protect you. i know because i have a case pending. my son -- it -- never mind. um, anyway, what are you doing here? >> brianna is helping out because it's role-model day. she came over here to shadow me nd