you dressed? deacon and kelly are gonna come pick us up, like, now. the game's almost over. it'll take me 5 minutes to throw on my tux. doug, i've seen you lose half a day on a shoe horn. ok, ok. thank you. sportscaster: he breaks a tackle at the 10! oh, my god! he's in for the score! jets touchdown! ok, being on your feet instead of your ass: not enough progress. you try getting up off my ass. doug, this isn't fair. todd's an old friend of mine. if we don't go to one of yofriend's weddings, you'd be all... nah, no, you wouldn't. look, i'm at the closet, huh? have you showered? yeah, this morning. that was 6 hours ago. i haven't moved. you pointed that out yourself. ok, let's come at it this way. what's the argument against showering? well, for one thing, the towel i used this morning is still damp. i'd have to get a new towel, create a whole... laundry situation.

plus, second shower of the day-- shampoo? no shampoo? it's a can of worms, carrie, really. doug, come here, come here. [sniffs] shower. 'kay? thanks. oh, daddy, you look so handsome. huh? oh, thank you. something wrong? uh, nothing i wanna worry you about. ok. it's that damn r.s.v.p. card! ok. remember when the wedding invitations came, we had to check whether we wanted steak or fish? yeah. i'd just had a big porterhouse steak at the time, so i checked "fish." now i haven't had steak in weeks. i'd like a nice steak today!

what's going on? just, uh, getting dressed. doug, your tux doesn't fit anymore? it's those damn dry cleaners. they must've shrunk it. all right, let's just cram you in there. hey-humunnuh-hah! you can't just go right up the middle. you gotta let me choose a side first. ok. ok...deep breath. [inhales, exhales] ok, i meant hold it in. [inhales] ok, all right... [squeaks] all right... a little more, baby. a little more. please... help me. ohh...

ok...how's that? [squeaking] let me out. doug, i asked you to try on the tux 2 months ago when we got the invitation. i know. i didn't think i'd put on any weight. that's it. no more cheese for me. all right, give me the pants. i'll let them out. there you go. simple solution right there, huh? ah, sweet cheese, welcome back. ok, lettin' out the pants, lettin' out the pants... don't know how to do that. [doorbell rings] fabulous. they're here. [sportscaster calling game] hi. hey, carrie. you look great. oh, thanks. you guys, too. hey, carrie, i may have solved the problem. what if i iron up my black sweats? no one will know the difference.

don't think so. what's going on? he had 2 months to try on his tux, but he waited till 10 minutes ago, and now his pants don't fit. see, that's the way you're supposed to look. trying my tux on 2 months ago was not gonna make me 6'5" and black. don't remind me. we're gonna be so late. kel, do you know how to sew? no, but he does. beautiful. sew like the wind. no problem. kel, come upstairs. help me finish getting ready. so, where'd you learn to sew? national guard. they teach you to knit little booties, too? no, but they taught me how to kill a man with a thumb to the eyeball.

just take 'em out about 2 inches is fine. you know you're good friends with someone when you're willing to shove your arm up their pantyhose. how can every pair have a run in them? i walk and sit. to look at these, you'd think i scale barbed wire for a living. so, is it gonna be a little weird for you, seeing todd walk down the aisle? why would it be weird? girl, you know what i'm talking about. shut up. it was one time. i was young. i had very high hair. it hardly even counts. mm-hmm. ooh, nice work. very nice. thank you. you must've been popular with the other guardsmen. i did all right. i'll tell you, though, i still wish we didn't have to waste half our saturday on this stupid thing. tell me about it. some good games on. yeah. hell, carrie and kelly are the ones went to school with this guy. they should go as each other's dates and leave us out.

absolutely. you know what we should do to get even? next time, drag carrie to a wedding of somebody you had sex with. yeah, right. what? uh... n-n-nothing? are you saying that carrie had sex with todd? maybe? probably not, though? well, did she? yes--before you guys were ever together. i assumed you knew. no. carrie never told me! told you what? about todd and carrie and the... w-w-wahhh! you weren't supposed to tell him! you never said that. well, i assumed you weren't an idiot. well, you assumed wrong. i feel like i've been punched in the stomach. ok...i got pantyhose, you got pants. we are good to go!

god, long island is so beautiful. we should get an estate out here, hon, ha ha ha! hey, i'm looking to make a swap. you order the steak or the fish? fish. you? fish. can't catch a break here. so, nice ceremony, huh? i can't believe little todd is actually married. litttodd, huh? heh heh heh... so, you really teared up back there. well, todd and i, we go way back. hmm. what? i was just thinking, what with you and todd being such old, close friends, i'm surprised the two of you, you know, never hooked up.

wha-what do you mean? you know, got freaky... did the y-y-yazzbahh! is that what you kids are calling it these days? ha ha ha! you're funny, honey. actually, now that i see him with the lights up, he's not the best-looking bow in the bag. look at those beady eyes, huh? that gigantic, misshapen head. he's kind of a freak, actually. you'd have to be quite a hard-up skank to want to jump those bones, huh, carr? well, "skank" is-- is a little harsh. is it? well, whatever. hey, look, little fried things. ahem. so, word on the street is you ordered the steak. uh, yes. why? you didn't hear? there's been some rumblings about the meat. what do you mean? mad cow disease. i had it as a child, so i'm immune. i ordered the fish, but i'd be happy to switch entrees with you.

no, thank you. kel, does doug seem weird to you at all today? what do you mean? well, it just seems like he knows what happened between todd and i, like he smells it on me. huh. well, men are perceptive like that. have you met doug? well, no, no. maybe you were just projecting a vibe... deacon told him. you told deacon?! he wasn't supposed to say anything, but i will tell you this--he is in big trouble. oh, thank you. what am i gonna do? "we're just friends, part of the same crowd." crowd, yeah. two's a crowd. good one, dougie. hey, where you going? you're with us, pal. just try to forget about it. it's not that big a deal. that's easy for you to say. oh, and speaking of easy, here comes the little missus. i'm gonna find kelly. i'll catch up with you later.

hi, carrie. [tersely] deacon. uh-oh. hi there. hey. you know, we should just pop into that reception line and say congrats to them. great. perfect. let's pop. hey...ahem... remember when you asked me if todd and i ever had a thing? well, i was just thinking, and i think maybe one time, we may have. yeah. yeah... we--we did. i, like, totally forgot about it. oh, my god! heh heh... anyhoo... nice room, isn't it? i wanna take one of those centerpieces home just for you. you finally come clean, huh? doug, please don't make a big deal about this. it was a long time ago. then why didn't you tell me in the first place? it's an interesting point i raise, isn't it?

isn't it?! doug, carrie, hey! hey, hi. congratulations, todd, on... everything. thanks for coming. hey, you. hi. come on. how about a hug, huh? ok. hey...paula, come here, you! yeah! oh, god! have we met? oh, we have now. you--you look so beautiful. thank you. i'm glad you're here. it means a lot to me. let me steal another one, ok? one more for daddy! doug. i'm almost done. mmm...ah! there you go. god, i love this kid, heh heh. so, todd, i'm very happy for you.

i hope you have a long and healthy life together. that being said, i need to talk to you about my entree because i'm gettin' the run-around here! ok, doug, you made your point. i'm sorry i never told you. now, could we just forget about it and enjoy the wedding? now it all makes sense. "shower, doug." "fit into that tux, doug." you just wanted to doll me up and show off your trophy to your precious little todd. would you stop it? we're together one time, 9 years ago, on a ski trip, for god's sakes. yeah? then why'd you need to lie about it? i did not lie about it. i never once said "i did not sleep with todd." you just assumed it. ok, yeah. this is my fault. so, from now on, when we meet a guy, i'll just assume you did sleep with him unless you tell me otherwise. maybe we'll work out a little signal, all right? uh, this is "no," and this is "yes"! you know, i'm not gonna talk to you

when you're out of control like this. look what you did. i'm sorry. i had the needle, the thread... i just started gabbing. why do guys overreact to this stuff? look, i tried to calm him down, but the truth is i don't think he is overreacting. you were friends with this guy, too. i'd be upset if i found out you slept with him and never told me about it. i'm just saying you can't make a person choose a meal 8 weeks in advance. it's barbaric! please, can we just talk about this later? 'cause, you know, the line is backing up-- february 23, the year 2005-- fish or steak, todd? decide right now! doesn't feel too good when you'in the hot seat, does it, todd? does it?! try our new chipotle chicken flatbread, made fresh to order,

with a drizzle of chipotle pesto and a crispy house-baked crust. and that's just the appetizer. chili's $20 dinner for two. more life happens here. [ sound fades ] at a moment like this, i'm glad i use tampax pearl. [ female announcer ] tampax pearl protects better. only tampax has a leakguard braid to help stop leaks before they happen. tampax pearl protects better.

to help stop leaks before they happen. [slow, romantic rock ballad playing]

mr. and mrs. todd schovanski. aren't they beautiful, ladies and gentlemen? and now we'd like to invite all the couples who are in love to join todd and paula on the dance floor. get on up there, ladies and gentlemen. [playing slow, jazzy number] so, welcome to the "todd had your wife before you did" club. hey, kelly swore they didn't sleep together. they just fooled around. which means what? i didn't ask. actually, you gotta give the guy credit. he nailed both our wives, and now here we are, giving him gifts. todd and i were roommates at college, and, paula, let me give you a little advice-- hide your laundry money. uh, but seriously, todd and i have been through a lot together: bio class, the big games, keg parties at phi delt...

todd never touched the stuff... oh, excuse me. i ordered the steak. no, sir, you didn't. how do you know what i ordered? were you there? uh, no. the people who ordered steak have a black ribbon on their place card. you have a yellow ribbon, which is for fish. yellow ribbon? no, no, no. that's for the hostages. congratulations, guys, and, todd... i love you, man. and next on the toast list is paula's first cousin, jill mccarthy. so, doug, what's the deal, you're not gonna come and sit and eat dinner because i slept with todd 9 years ago? that's correct. come on. doug, what is going on with you? you know we were both with other people before we ever got together. in fact, you showed me that list you kept.

that's right, i showed you my list, and there was no one missing on my list, either. in fact, i threw in a few fakes just to fill it out. ok, so i didn't make a list. excuse me. that's not the point. the point is we've hung out with todd. and all those times, you knew, he knew... everyone knew except the big, fat idiot here. what, were you laughing and high-fiving each other behind my back? yeah, that's what we were doing. you made a fool of me, carrie, and i would never do that to you. ...really special tonight. i really love you. congratulations, you guys. next on the magic list here is...carrie heffernan. oh. no... come on up, carrie. [guests tapping glasses] come on. ok. hi. uh...what can i say about todd? i'm just remembering now, todd and i ran into each other a few years ago at a party,

and i was there on my second date with this guy named doug-- who's now my husband-- [applause] thank you. anyway, um, i introduced todd as my really good friend, which was mostly true except for one thing that i left out, which was that todd and i had actually been... sexually intimate. doug! doug, would you listen to me? maybe i should've told you the truth that night, but i didn't because i really liked you, and i wanted things to work out between us. if i would've said, "hey, p.s., you see that guy over there? i did him..." would you have asked me out again? i don't know. maybe. yeah, maybe. and maybe not. and then we wouldn't have gone to coney island, and you wouldn't have kissed me on the bumper cars, and i would've missed out on the best thing that's ever happened to me.

you're referring to me? yes, i'm referring to you. i love you. i love you, too. maybe i overreacted. it's just that... even imagining you with another guy just gets me insane. believe me... [over p.a.] my thing with todd was nothing to get insane about. really? really. it was nothing, and i mean nothing. heh heh. nada. zip. over in a minute. ha ha! in a minute, really? yeah, if that. [both laughing] and then he kept apologizing, and he burst into tears. then he said something about having a fear of intimacy because his mother didn't hold him as a child. it was, like, "too much information, buddy." ha ha ha ha! oh, my god! hey, is that-- is that microphone still on?

heh heh... hope you guys enjoyed our little skit. ha ha! play something. and it feels like your lifeate revolves around your symptoms, ask your gastroenterologist about humira adalimumab. humira has been proven to work for adults who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease. in clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief, and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal events, such as infections, lymphoma,

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are prone to infections, or have symptoms such as fever, fatigue, cough, or sores. you should not start humira if you have any kind of infection. ask your doctor if humira can work for you. this is humira at work. "and what do you do?" "oh, i sell insurance like no one else." "oh, that's nice." "thank you." now, that's progressive. call or click today. [band completes slow, jazzy number] ahem. and now we'd like to invite everyone who ordered steak

to join us on the dance floor. captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute

get jacobs on the horn and schedule a meeting pronto. [ alarm blares ] order lunch. something fast, smith. it's jones, ma'am. yeah, look, we'll leverage the synergy on both sides. hi, jimmy john's? yeah, no, look, the boys -- jimmy john's. yep. sky's the limit on this one.

make sure the silverman file is on my desk a.s.a.p. did you order lunch? yeah. it's waiting for you. better be, smith. still jones, ma'am. can't wait on this. time is money. [ bell chimes ] jimmy john's. [ male announcer ] jimmy john's. order online now! nice job, jones. >> hey, good morning, cora jean. >> good morning. why aren't you dressed for work? >> because i'm going fishing today. >> fishing? >> yes. i'm off, a-w-f, off, cora. >> you ask me, you're off every day. >> oh, who released the kraken? >> the kraken -- oh. i mean vera came in at midnight. you were sleeping. >> i didn't know the bus from hell ran that late. >> i wish you were standing in front of the bus from hell with your big bubble head. >> good morning, everybody. >> hey. >> what are you two doing out so early? >> just taking a power walk. >> why did y'all have to make a power stop?

oh, colonel, i'm just being serious. hey, i'm going fishing. you want to come go with me? >> no, no, no, brown, not today. i got better things to do than fish. >> that's because you got your own barracuda. >> mr. brown. >> well, cora, i'm just saying, i mean, you know, you should have a license to walk around with something looking like that. i'm surprised they don't get tickets. >> stop it. look. well, i'm headed to work since i'm not off. >> okay. well, go ahead. good. see you, cora. i'm gonna get my rod and stuff. >> all right. you guys have a good day. >> all right. see you later, cora. >> so what brings you to this neck of the woods, missy? >> oh, well, my new friend took me out for an elegant evening of wining and dining. >> ooh, sounds exciting. what elegant place did he take you? >> club... his house. [ chuckles ] that's why my new friend is now my ex-friend. i just wanted to go dancing. >> ooh, colonel... i want to go dancing. >> well, i want my hair to grow back. ha! look like we're both out of luck. >> you know, i wouldn't let him

talk to me like that. >> stay out of this, vera. >> and you want to go dancing? go. we can make it a girls' night out. >> you ain't said nothing but the word. >> that's right! the girls' night out! >> okay. hold up. hold up. hold up. don't y'all need girls for that? >> [ laughs ] now, that's a good one, brown. that's a good one. >> how about the colonel sleeps on the couch for a week? >> [ laughs ] now, that's a good one, edna. >> brown, that joke sucked. >> look. i'm gonna go fishing, and i'm gonna stop by and pick up my check. hey, just in case you two are gone when i get back, give yourself this. >> you know, in that getup, those fish are gonna see that fool coming a mile away. [ male announcer ] if your road trip stops at the corner of "taking in the scenery" and "hey, they're taking our stuff," no need to panic. walgreens has over 8,000 stores across the country

with all your prescriptions on file and just about anything else you might need along the way. because you never know what the road will bring. so swing by walgreens today for all your summer must-haves like snacks and sunscreen, right here. at the corner of happy and healthy. ♪ wonder if i gave an oreo ♪ to somebody out there who i didn't know ♪ ♪ would they laugh after i'd gone? ♪ ♪ or would they pass that wonder on? ♪ ♪ i wonder how it'd change your point of view ♪ ♪ if i gave one to you? ♪ >> [ singing indistinctly ] [ chuckles ] ♪ bathe in the water somebody's gonna need some water ♪ ho!

>> ooh, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to scare you. >> oh, hey, you ain't scared nobody. >> why you breathing so hard? >> i am not breathing hard. >> yes, you are. okay. anyway, i came by to tell you i'm headed home but to remind you about bible study tonight. >> oh, bible study? >> yes. you said you would go. >> but there's a big game on tonight. >> do you think the lord care about your game? >> it is his team. ♪ mm, the saints not buying it, huh? >> no. >> fine. i'll be there. >> all right, and don't flake out like last time, giving me some old, tired excuse. >> what? i really did think mama was pregnant. >> what? >> miracles happen, just like that lady in the bible -- aunt ester. >> that was queen ester, not aunt ester, which is why you need to be at bible study early. >> fine. i'll be there. >> all right. >> with bells on. >> i think you need to wear a little bit more than that. >> hmm, ooh.

♪ all right ♪ where you got to go to? ♪ got to go in my -- >> porky! >> ohh! i ain't scared. >> yeah, and i'm not admired by all the teachers around here, either. >> hey, nobody admires you. >> don't try to tear me down. i see how they look at me. just like that. but you know what i tell them? i say, "i am just a man." >> yeah? well, what do you want, man? >> besides you drowning in a river of nacho cheese, i'm looking for cora. >> she just left. i'm meeting her at bible study tonight. >> oh, you can't come back to my church. my pastor said you can't come >> because pastor said last time you was there, you put spam on all the communion crackers. >> that was potted meat, and i don't know what you talking about. it's not like you anorexic. >> i have you to know i am sagittarius. and what's the point, anyway? what you got? what's the point? >> man, if dumb was a drug, you would overdose.

>> you know what? i could beat you with this thing and hide your body. won't nobody know because -- >> whoa! no! no! >> just like i thought. you about as brave as somebody who ain't brave. what? >> you just locked us in. in trapped? no! i'm too pretty to die. >> no, you ain't. >> i'm closetphobic. aah! i can't feel my legs! [ knock on door ] >> oh... whoo! miss edna, that dress is bad. >> you like it? >> i do. where'd you get that? >> you know that exclusive dress shop on piedmont? >> yeah. >> i got it at the thrift shop next door. >> ooh, hoo hoo! that is nice. i'll get vera for you. hey, colonel. >> hey, cora. >> so, what do you think? >> it's nice...