you can go now. i love you. well, i got 8 months to die. you, uh... i'm sorry, what? i was at the cemetery paying my respects to one of your stepmothers, and i happened to look at my headstone. you have a headstone? yeah. i prepaid for it 20 years ago to save money. it says, "arthur spooner, 1926 to 19 blank blank." they already carved in the 19, so unless i die by the end of the year, i'm screwed! uh...good luck? you know, when i bought the stone, the salesman assured me i would be dead by the year 2000. you know what my mistake was? i shoulda got that in writing!

and here's the driver's lounge. after a hard day on the road, you enjoy some burnt coffee and sit on a metal chair, you know what i'm saying? uh-huh. oh. any questions so far? uh-uh. i gotta go talk to him for a minute. uh-huh. phew. so how's it going with your trainee? man, the fact that they think someone like him could do my job is very depressing. hey, is one of you guys doug heffernan? that would be me. hi. i'm julie patterson. you're supposed to be my trainer person. hey, how are you there? great to meet you, julie. this is deacon palmer. how you doing? hi. sorry i'm late. i was just getting my uniform together. never thought green was my color, but i guess it is now. sorry. i have some hyper "first day" thing going on here. it's ok. settle down, julie. you already got the job. right.

so you ready to saddle up and hit the trail? i think so. let me just go grab my jacket. ok. damn! so, is shot hot or is she just delivery-person hot? hot hot. in fact, i might even throw in a third hot. really? you mean hot hot hot? that would be 3. very good. all right, moose, just bottom-line this for me. is she hot enough that you might think about her while you're having sex with carrie? i don't think about other women while i'm having sex with my wife. oh, sure. so what do you think about? i think about my marriage vows and the life we built together. ha ha ha ha ha ha! ah, funny stuff, funny stuff. so, how you plan on telling carrie about this little trainee? you think i should tell her? whoa, yeah, you gotta tell her.

that's a great big mistake. what are you talking about? if he doesn't tell her, and then she finds out, she'll wonder why he was keeping it a secret in the first place. he'll never get out from under that. so what do you want him to do, walk into his kitchen and say, "hey, honey, guess what. my new trainee's got an ass like a nectarine"? no. but he's gotta tell her something. there is no way that a guy could tell his wife about a broad that he thinks is hot without her knowing that he thinks that she's hot. give me a little credit, would ya? i can tell carrie about this without it being a big deal. no, you can't. yes, i can. i'll just bring up the topic of work casually. she'll ask, "oh, how's your trainee?" i'll say, "she's fine," and we'll move on. ok, let's try it out. i'm carrie. ok. so, how's your trainee? s-she's fine. oh, god.

arthur? arthur: hello. nothin'. hey. hey, what's with the-- tombstone? my dad got into a fight with the cemetery because they wouldn't change his date of death for free. god bless him, he keeps busy. so, hon... yeah? i had quite a day at work. oh, that's great. oh, before we eat, let me show you some paint samples. what do you think? you know, that's the exact color of the coffee stirrers we have down at work. who was using one of those today? oh, yes, my trainee.

i don't know. it might look good on a sample, but a whole wall might make you wanna puke. well, at least you'll be in the right room, right? puke. speaking of which, i almost puked on my trainee today. what? i didn't almost puke. it was more of a burp with ham. trainees. god love 'em, huh? you know, they're our future. so how is your trainee? oh, sheeeeesh... i got a good one. nice guy? you know, that's the funny thing-- [telephone ringing] wait. hang on one second. hello? oh, hi. this is his daughter. what?! oh, come on. you can't ban him from being buried in your cemetery. but he'll be dead! he's not gonna bother you when he's dead. all right. i'll call you back. ok. bye. hon, i got to go talk to dad.

[door closes] my trainee's a girl. she's hot. all right, anything up to 70 pounds can go as is. anything from 70-150, you got to throw on a heavy-package sticker. now, don't be the one who puts a heavy package sticker on my back. it's been done. ha ha. i'm heavy, we get it. yo, dougie? yeah? carrie's here. what? yeah, i just saw her in the front office chatting with sheehan's secretary. you know what? that's it for now. why don't you guys go practice punching in and out? what am i gonna do? i never told her about julie. ooh! i tried to the other night, but then the phone rang, and she left the room. i missed my window. well, i told kelly about my trainee, no problem. hey, you know what i was thinking? maybe you should go around the back and unload those 2-day packages.

but the 2-days aren't here yet. oh, well, maybe you should go around back, and, you know, start to stretch. maybe i'll just get our afternoon route schedule. sure. fine. good. ok. hey, what are you doing here? i love you. all right, i think i finally picked out a color, and before i get, like, 80 gallons of it i must wanna make sure that you didn't hate it. ok, what do you think? misty aqua. misty aqua. yes, yes! yeah! really? you don't think it's too light? no, no, no, it's perfect. it gives you that aqua feeling, only mistier. maybe i'll keep looking. keep looking. that's great, i'll see you tonight? all right. ok. i'll see you, hon. hey, doug. is this your wife? uh, yes, yes, yes, it is. isn't she a doozie? hi. i'm julie, doug's trainee. hi. i-i'm carrie. how you doing? fine. fine. so what, you guys have not met yet? have you not met before, 'cause i--i thought i was--

no, really? i must be screwy. 'cause...well, so here i am with my wife and my trainee, the 2 women in my life. haaahh! all right, guess i'll get going, hon. actually, doug, i think it's time to get back out on the road. oh, you're right. i'll see you tonight. doug? i'm coming with you, right? uh, sure, i guess if that's what you want. i come with you every day. listen, whatever.

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find out how the little things you do hey, arthur. carrie home? not yet. hey, give me a hand here, will you? what are you doing? i'm writing my epitaph. ok... since i'm getting a new headstone, i figure why not do a little rewrite on the whole thing. well, what do you got so far?

take a look. "arthur spooner, husband, father, true inventor of the moist towelette." touching, yet paranoid. i like it. how 'bout this one? "arthur spooner, your ad here." all revenue would go straight to you kids. they both seem fine. no, no. too long. i need something snappy. something that'll bring 'em in off the street. you got anything? i don't know. rest in peace. no. that's not me. let's both keep at it. i'll meet you back here in 2 hours. hey, you! hello. what's this? oh, seafoam, great. yeah, much better than that aqua mist crap. doug-- all right, my trainee's a girl. i should've told you, but i didn't. i'm sorry. can we please move on?

she's a girl, and you were afraid to tell me because you think she's hot. i don't think she's hot. doug, please. i know you very well. it's like you have a window on your forehead, and i can read your thoughts. right now, the 2 big ones are "entenmann's" and "she's hot." look, i'm sorry. i just didn't feel comfortable talking about it. i mean, here's this cute trainee driving around in the truck all day with me, and i wouldn't blame you if you felt a little weird about that. i don't. come on, it's not a little weird for you? no! doug, i mean, i know you wouldn't fool around on me. of course i wouldn't, but her. i mean, she looks up to me. i'm the center of her world. i'm the man with the dicad board. well, yes, honey, that is quite the aphrodisiac, but look, to be honest with you, i'm not worried about women coming on to you. you're not. no. you're a decent guy. and women sense that about you. i mean, you send out that "good guy" vibe.

you're nice. i am? yes! [slam] i am not nice! yes, you are. no, i'm not. i used to play football in high school. i used to shoplift candy. carrie's talking about me like i'm this little, harmless round guy. how dare she? look, i'm out of shape. i'll give her that, but, hey, i got a thing going on, don't i? sort of like a raw... you know, sexual energy? yeah, absolutely. i just wish you could turn it off so i could focus on my work. all i'm saying is someone like julie could be into me. carrie thinks it's impossible. i'll tell you what, it's insulting. you're not gonna fool around on her. why does any of this even matter? because there's a principle here. i assume sleazy guys are hitting on her all the time. don't i deserve the same respect? hey, what's going on? rich, what are you doing here? i, uh, i just wanted to send in my gas bill. ok. that would be the post office. we send packages.

oh. so, you got a box i could put it in? you are so obvious. come on, let me just meet her. come on. i got this whole rap worked out. little bit of this, little bit of that, bada-bing! who knows? doug, good. you haven't left yet. can i talk to you for a sec? yeah, sure. um... um, julie, this is my friend richie. how ya doing? good. ok. you got game. oh, what's up? oh, mr. o'boyle wants me to turn in my union application by tomorrow. do you have, like, 10 minutes to go over it with me? yeah, sure. uh, actually, you know what? i got some stuff i gotta do right now. why don't you give me a call home later tonight? can i? yeah.

that'll be great. you know what? i'll be getting in probably around 11:00. why don't you call me? here's my number. are you sure that late? oh, yeah. i mean, i'll be up. the night time is my time. i am the night. rowlf. r-r-r-rowl-rowlf. meowwrr. [imitating dog and cat snarling] [telephone rings] [ring]

doug, are you gonna answer that? why me? [ring] well, because you're wide awake and the phone is on your side of the bed. [ring] why don't you answer it? i love the way you say "hello." [ring] oh...hello? oh, yeah... oh, yeah, hi. yeah, hold on. it's what's-her-face, your trainee. really? calling me at home at 11:00? what's that about? yeah, julie. what is it? your union application? isn't this something we can talk about at work? i mean, it's after 11:00. no. not then either. i spend my weekends with my wife. look, i think you and i need to have a talk about boundaries. ok? ok. good-bye. jeez, well, what's tha... [snoring]

excuse me, honey. i just need to... you know what? i just need to-- real quick. i just want to see if there's room for a vanity here. you know what? can you hold this, real quick? can i please brush my teeth? what's wrong with you? you called me nice! what are you talking about? when we were talking about my trainee and you said you weren't worried because i'm a nice guy. oh, that's what this is? doug, nice is good. women like nice. yeah? well, let me ask you this. who would you rather have sex with? a guy with an eye patch who rides a motorcycle or a guy who's nice? well, i wouldn't want a guy who drives a motorcycle and has an eye patch. no depth perception there.

come on. doug, what do you want me to say? that you're a little worried that i have a hot female trainee with an ass like a nectarine. i'm sorry. i am worried. hmm? yeah. i mean, now that i think about it, you're out there alone in your truck with her every day. you know what? i want that little hussy away from you. don't even... doug. oh, hi, listen, i'm really sorry about that whole phone call thing last night. i'm gonna level with ya. i like my gin. look, uh, you clearly have some issues you're trying to work out. that's cool, but i really need this job, so... so? so i asked supervisor o'boyle to assign me to another driver.

ouch. i also asked that my locker be moved away from yours. ouch again. anyway, i think you're a great guy, and i'll see you around. wait, wait, wait, wait. just so you know, i'm not crazy. it's just you're an attractive woman, and i thought my wife would be jealous, and when she wasn't, i kind of felt bad, i flipped out, and i tried to make her jealous. anyway, i'm--i'm sorry. really? that's what this was all about? uh-huh. that is so cute! cute. great. well, i gotta go. oh, um, by the way, can i get your friend richie's phone number? plus the perfecting color of a bb cream equal? introducing the newest beauty trend. total effects cc cream c for color. c for correction. [ female announcer ] fight 7 signs of aging flawlessly.

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shari: doug? yeah. you got a rush order pickup at 1202 stratford. oh, i'm right here. i'll get it now. car, what are you-- i'm your pickup. what? i want to say i was sorry for calling you "nice." you're not nice. you're bad. no, i'm not. ok, fine. you're not bad, but... i think you are the sexiest nice guy in the whole wide world. and just because you're nice doesn't mean you can't get a little nasty. yes, ma. mm-hmm. you mean the back of the truck fantasy? that's right, tiger. come on. doug: whoa, that metal's cold, huh?

carrie: do you have a blanket or some bubble wrap or something? no. i've got a hand truck. still metal, honey. maybe we should just do this tonight at home. yeah, maybe. i'm still bad, right? yes, you are. captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute

>> pugh, cora! >> what? >> was that you? >> what are you talking about? >> cora, what is that smell? >> what? >> girl, you need to do something. >> i'm cooking my bacon, egg, artichoke casserole. at the county fair, it was number one. >> well, it smell like a number two, cora. that's nasty! >> don't be like that, mr. brown. >> i ain't being like nothing. cora, somebody breaking in! here -- throw your casserole at them! >> stop it! stop being silly, mr. brown! oh, it's just derek. oh, oh, and huggy bear. >> hey! you don't know high fashion when you see it. >> i know you must have been high when you got dressed. >> [ chuckles ] >> now, if brown's criticizing your clothing, you know something's wrong.

>> oh, hey, hey, what's wrong with my clothes? >> nothing, if you at the scramble board on "soul train." "number 2, and the clues are..." >> so, what are you guys doing here so early? >> early? >> yeah. >> we had a 7:00 tee time. >> mm-hmm. >> uh, it's 9:30 now, and we only drink coffee, you know. >> no, no, no, we played nine holes, a little practice round. but for the tournament, we need another man. >> yeah, and since we couldn't find one, we thought we'd get you. >> oh, i play golf. >> uh, that's nice. what's for breakfast? >> oh, you know what? i like golf. let me go get my helmet and my cup and my thigh pads. >> told you this was a bad idea. >> hey, i play golf. >> cora, quit interrupting. what y'all need another man for? >> well, the colonel's friend, roscoe, had to drop out. >> oh. slacker, probably. well, what's his excuse? >> well, he died. >> oh, well, that sounds like a pretty good excuse. >> so, brown, are you playing or not? >> i ain't played in awhile. i don't know. i need some practice. >> look -- i play golf! >> okay, look, i'll play, but i'm gonna need a new hat, i'm gonna need a new shirt, and i need some shoulder pads.

oh, yeah, and some of those long metal things. i'm gonna use some of them with the big ball on the end. >> together: clubs. >> yes! yes! i'm gonna need the clubs, and then also get me some cleats. i need cleats. >> fine, fine. let's go. >> yes. you know, and we also gonna need -- >> wait a minute! hey, guys, wait! what does he have that i don't have? >> balls! yes! golf balls! that's what we need! >> well, i can buy some balls! that ain't fair! ♪ ula ula, hagamos ula ula, ♪ ula ula ula ula al revés, ♪ hago que lo imposible sea posible, ♪ ♪ que todo lo increíble se vuelva visible, ♪ ♪ tres, dos, hola, ula... ♪ aplaudan en la luna. ♪ ula ula, hagamos ula ula,

♪ ula ula ula ula al revés, ♪ ula ula, hagamos ula ula, ♪ ula ula ula ula al revés, ♪ ula ula, hagamos ula ula, ♪ ula ula, hagamos ula ula, ♪ ula ula, hagamos ula ula, every day you stain it. so every day, use crest 3d white toothpaste to remove up to 90% of surface stains in just 5 days. no wonder the number one whitening brand is crest 3d white. [ siren wailing ] >> mnh-mnh-mnh. mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh. what? you got to be kidding. >> what do you see? >> girl, you got some long hair up in here. oh, shoot, my bad. it's my eyelash. i knew i shouldn't have got these from the corner store. [ sighs ] >> so, how bad is it? >> oh, yeah. i hate to be the one to tell you this, but, um --

break time! >> oh, hey, renee, could you -- >> break time! >> what's wrong with that nurse? >> you won't be here long enough for me to explain that. wow. okay, it says right here that you have got -- >> sasha? >> christie? >> both: ahhhhhh! >> my god! >> [ laughs ] >> i haven't seen you since the reunion! >> oh, my god. how are you? >> well, you tell me. >> uh -- oh! [ chuckles ] well, um, according to your test results, you're fine. yeah, you're good to go. >> wh-- i am? >> yeah. >> i'm not being admitted? >> no. >> but i still have this pain in my left arm. i -- >> well, no, no, no. according to this, it's your right arm. see? ugh. renee? coul-- what do you think you're doing? >> not listening to your conversation.

>> do you see anything wrong with this chart, huh? >> let me see. oh. yeah. i was wondering where my other eyelash was. >> no. no. you made a mistake on my friend christie's chart. >> oh, you two know each other. i knew it! bougie birds of a feather flock together. >> we grew up in the same neighborhood. >> mm-hmm. >> slumber parties at my house! >> braiding each other's hair! >> both: ahh! >> ahh! wow! you've seen sasha's real hair. >> okay, christie, if you have any more symptoms, please don't hesitate to come back, okay? >> or i could just stay. >> are you crazy? [ laughs ] girl, please, why would anybody want to stay in the hospital? >> ugh -- rich doctors, 2-ply toilet paper, all the q-tips you can use. oh, don't act like it's just me. what?

>> [ groans ] >> okay, brown, we got a lot of work to do here. now, what's your handicap? >> uh, i'm not anymore. >> what? >> yeah. they fixed it. it was my left leg. it was longer than my right leg. but they put this thing on it and stretched it out. you know what was crazy, though? when i used to run, it used to make me run in a circle, like i couldn't run straight, just in a circle just like that. >> okay, no, no, never mind, never mind. >> okay. >> all right, let's just tell you about the greens. >> oh, i already know about greens. i already know about turnip greens. you got your mustard greens. you got your mixed turnip mustard greens. >> brown, will you focus?! >> i am. y'all asked me about greens. >> okay, listen. listen here. which one is your driver? >> whichever one of y'all is gonna be driving. i thought i was riding with y'all. >> no, brown -- the club you're gonna be driving with. >> oh, that's easy. i know that. that's a driver right -- >> no, no. >> the driver -- >> oh, no! >> mm-hmm. the driver... uh... ha! >> that's your pitching wedge. >> oh. >> let's just start with that.

>> okay, okay, we'll start with that. >> get right here. >> all right. y'all ready? >> yeah. >> mm-hmm. >> mm-hmm. >> let me see you swing, brown. >> oh, it's on the front porch. you know, i used to like to sit on that swing and sip cool lemonade and watch -- >> he means your golf swing! >> oh, my golf swing, okay. y'all back up 'cause i don't want y'all to get hurt. >> what is wrong with you? >> i'm -- i'm stretching. you can't just get out and start swinging without stretching. that's how people pull a leg string. >> now, how is that gonna help? >> you watch. you got to watch. look at that. you check the barometric pressure -- >> brown, will you just do it?! just swing! >> i am checking the barometric pressure to make sure it's right. you don't watch the news. that's what you don't do -- watch the weather. okay. [ clears throat ] [ exhales sharply ] keep your head down.