"snap, crackle, and pop: i.p.s. switches bubble wrap suppliers." i'm actually gonna read this. kids, i think we should nail down a date for our christmas card photo shoot. and as far as wardrobe goes, i'm thinkin' everyone in denim shirts and jeans. and i'm thinking no picture and you go downstairs and get last night's broccoli out of your teeth. come on, darling, what do you say? let's show a little father-daughter holiday spirit. who knows how many christmases we have left together? ohh. maybe next year, daddy, ok? fine. i wanna wish you both a merry christmas in hell! oh, my god, look at this. 4 doritos got baked together. i don't know whether to eat it or donate it to science.

huh. what? your depot is hiring payroll assistants to handle the extra holiday load. they need people who can type and do payroll. i've done both. [coughs] i should apply for this, right? no, i don't know. it would be so great to get out of the house during the day and make a little money. you know? and i'd feel like i was part of the world again. i'm gonna go e-mail my resumé right now. oh. if it's cool with you, because i would be invading on your turf, you know? what? is that all right? yeah? yeah! great! thanks, baby! [laughing] oh, yeah! [whispers] no! so she's standing there, and she's got some grade-a sweet potatoes. you know what i'm saying? so what she does is-- guess who? hey! [laughs] hi, honey. what are you guys talking about?

i heard sweet potatoes. uh, yeah. we were thinking about gettin' 'em for the vending machine. actually, i was just, uh, telling a story about this female person on my route. sorry. oh, that's ok. i know what guys talk about. keep goin' like i wasn't even here. was she hot? that's ok. oh, come on! all right, well, uh, this w-woman got splashed by a car and her--her shirt kind of got wet. that's where the previously mentioned sweet potatoes come in. so i was like, you know, "take your package. i'm not here for the show, lady. "i don't know what crap you're tryin' to pull, but i love my wife." you know what i'm sayin'? god. good one, honey. all right, snack time. honey, can i tell you how good it feels to be back at work? i already have a best friend upstairs and a girl we both hate. good for you. yeah. so, what are you gonna get?

eh, i'm not sure yet. hey, how 'bout this? you pick the letter. i pick the number. live dangerously. mmm, i don't think so. i can't risk ending up with a comb for lunch. i think i'm goin' with fritos. oh, don't get the fritos. get the cheetos. i'm in the mood for those. uh, well, you know, for 70 cents, you can get your very own bag. i know, but i only want a few. come on, j-6, j-6, j-6, j-6, j-6, j-6-- o-o-ok. j-6. yeah! carrie, on c.b. radio: how's it goin', stud? carrie? hi, honey! what are you doin' on the c.b.? wanda's teachin' me how. right, wanda? wanda, unexcitedly: that's right, doug. ok. gotta wrap this up. got a package thing to do.

ok. bye, honey! bye. oh, wait! say good-bye to wanda. bye, wanda. wanda, unexcitedly: bye, doug. ok, i need hershey in a little tighter. cupcake, quit the funny business. this is a family picture. and that's it. now, hold it. now, just wait for the flash. arthur, i hadn't planned on you actually being the photo. why not? it's a picture of everyone you walk. well. yeah, but i'm sending these to my clients, and i'm not sure they would understand that i walk a human being. when they see your name on the list, i tell them you're a schnauzer. just smile. arthur, i don't think i really wanna do-- do it or you're fired!

now smile. only 80 more seconds. ok. i'm going to sears. fine, but if you're so worried about your picture being ruined, i'd worry about him! buster? something that ugly doesn't deserve a name. [gasps] are you sure northern boulevard's the best way to go? there's so many lights. i think we should cut through the waldbaum's and go through the neighborhood. you know? and then we'd avoid all that. let's try that tomorrow. okey-doke. [yawns] ohh! ahh. i am beat. i'm gonna head upstairs to bed. yeah, me, too. you know what? actually, i'm gonna stay down and actually watch a little tele-vis-i-on for a while. ok, baby. ok.

oh, is that patrick swayze?

hey, man. have you seen carrie? no. thank god! i gotta hit the men's room where i can grab 20 minutes alone before we drive home tonight. yeah, about all that time you're spending in the bathroom... the other drivers are getting a little creeped out walking in and finding you in that folding chair by the urinals. i'm sorry, but it's the only way i can escape her. she's everywhere! carrie: doug? oh, my god! cover for me! hey. hey. you see the big guy? uh, i--i think he's still out on his route. but his truck's right there. oh, he--he must be delivering on foot, then. [bell dings] uh, that's my snack. see you later. hey, that's my lean pocket. no, it's not. yes, it is. i need to do this.

[footsteps approaching] [footsteps going away] aah! hey, baby. hey! calm down. it's just me. i know. what's up? what's goin' on? oh, i was just wondering if you can store some stuff in your locker for me. like what? oh, just my sweater and some of my lady products and a picture of me so you'll remember me when i'm not here. and when will that be?!

what? i'm sorry. it's just... every second of every day, you know? driving together, calling me in the truck. all night with me, you, and patrick swayze. i can't take it anymore! all right, look, doug, maybe i went a little overboard here, ok? maybe i called you a little too much on your little radio there, but i'm only gonna be here for 2 weeks! you couldn't take it for 2 weeks? i was surprised myself! you know? but 2 weeks can seem pretty long! you know, like, if you're on jury duty or trapped in a mine! you know what, doug? i am so sorry that my very presence here has been so awful for you. i mean, you know what? it's really funny, because for me, i love spending this time together. i--i love being here with you. you know? i mean... watching you work has actually been a turn-on for me, if you could believe that. really?

yeah. you know, watching you lift all those heavy boxes and gettin' sweaty and workin' the forklift. i've never seen you at work, you know? you're good at what you do. it's sexy. it is? yeah, but you hate me, so... what's the point? i-- i feel like an idiot now. well, you should. look, i'm--i'm sorry. you know i love you. i just-- i just got carried away. so you like the forklift, huh? yeah. especially when you raise and swivel at the same time. you know, that breaks every safety code, but... it's my signature move. do you, uh... like it when i do this here? do you like that, right here? huh?

we get it, doug. yeah. give it a rest now. how 'bout this stuff here? [bubbles pop] ohh! bubbles no match for me! look, i'm-- i'm really sorry. ok? ok. [bubbles popping] have a good day at work, tiger. mmm. i hate to see you go, but i love to watch you leave. what's up with you two now? oh, just found out there's a couple of perks to havin' your wife around at work. what do you mean? mmm. i don't like to have sex in a truck and tell.

oh, wait. i guess i do. nice. yahtzee! doug and carrie, back of his truck. turnin' this place into i.p. "oh, yes." that's the story, duke. and by the way, he punched out after. rockin' on the clock. now, that's the way to do it. i heard it was surprisingly tender. i think it's pretty inappropriate. aren't they married? yeah. still, in a truck? yeah, guess you're right. why are temps always so slutty? lets you choose two of five seasonal favorites starting at just $10.99. [ male announcer ] that sounds like a lot of choices. exactly! and the flavors complement each other perfectly. like our new blackened sirloin with the green goddess wedge salad or lemon shrimp fettuccine and seasonal berry spinach salad.

ohh, the garlic rosemary chicken pasta... [ male announcer ] woah, woah, chef? you had us at two seasonal favorites starting at $10.99. really? fist bump. [ male announcer ] nice! applebee's new take two menu. two seasonal favorites, one amazing plate. starting at just $10.99. see you tomorrow. and late night for half-priced apps.

new york state beaches are back and open for business. starting at just $10.99. with miles of waves to surf. with brand new attractions that will have you screaming for more. fleets of fishing boats to reel in the big one. and more than enough wineries to please every palate. we're ready to make your new york state vacation perfect. there's never been a better time to vacation in long island and new york state beaches. plan your vacation at iloveny.com. the new state of new york. welcome. [knock on door] spence, my good man! yeah, i'm here. um... why did you want me to wear a green turtleneck? for our christmas card, of course.

come again? a simple snapshot. you offer me these chocolate chip cookies, and i react with delight, thusly: hey! what-- what exactly is our relationship that we're sending out a christmas card together? buddies, confidantes, 2 randy gents about town. don't you think that seems... joyous? inspired? gay. christmas is no time for bigotry! i'm not homophobic! i just don't wanna be on a card with you. these aren't even real! of course not. they're prop cookies. real cookies photograph like buttons, idiot! merry christmas, arthur. good! leave, then. now i don't have to explain to people how i befriended a lawn dwarf! back of the truck. now.

ahh. comin' back for some more dougie lovin', huh? i guess once you pop, you can't stop. ow! tough love. i'm in. i can't believe you told everyone! and you didn't tell anyone? oh, yeah, i just couldn't wait to tell everyone how chunky nailed me on bubble wrap. you see, i knew this was wrong for a husband and wife to work together! well, you know what, you don't have to worry about that anymore, because for the rest of my time here, we are not husband and wife, ok? we are separate employees with separate lives. works for me! perfect! ok, payday! who wants a paycheck? uh, la pointe? la pon-tay. right. there you go. deacon? thanks, carrie. you're welcome. and... hefferman? actually, it's heffer-nan. oh! right. ok, well, here's your check, dick.

oh, i'm sorry. it's doug. i'm sorry. i'm new here. ok, florsheim? listen, i do need to speak to you about one non-work-related matter if that's ok. what is it? well, it's about our christmas tree. we're supposed to get it tonight, that is, if we're still celebrating christmas. well, i know i am. as am i. in fact, i'm gettin' a santa tattoo. how 'bout this, doug, how 'bout we each get our own tree this year? hmm? sounds good to me. now i can break out my naked lady ornaments. [doug grunts] ohh. well, i got my tree. oh, is that one yours? that's adorable. actually, um, no. i'm gonna-- this is the tree that i'm getting right here. ok. there you go. i got it. yeah. ok.

hi. hi. how much for this one? uh, that's $55. $55. all righty. here we go. 60. ben, honey? yeah? you got change? oh, i sure do, sweetheart. well, where--where'd i put my fanny pack? it's in the trailer. right. he never remembers anything. in case you forget, your hat's on your head. [laughs] you guys are married? oh, yeah. and you work together? we've been together 24 hours a day since 1951. let me get some rope for your car. ok. wow. they've worked together for half a century, and, uh... we couldn't even make it for 10 days. [sighs] we suck. yeah. [sighs] look, i'm-- i'm sorry about all of this. i-- i love being with you, and if you want, you can work at i.p.s. full-time. should i quit? that would make it the best christmas ever. yes, sir, got the change.

and did you want the other tree as well? uh, you know what? i think the one is just good for us. we're fine. thank you. yeah. thank you, you guys. merry christmas. both: merry christmas. nice work. you just cost us a sale. i did? yeah, if you'd had your fanny pack around your waist where it belongs, they wouldn't have time to change their mind. but the money's safer in the trailer! oh, you get stupider every year! oh, shut up! [over her talking] shut up. shut up! shut up! with mccafé. every irresistible smoothie and delectable frappé is a break from the ordinary. and it all starts with a sip.

there's something for everyone to love from mccafé. ♪ don't you wanna, wanna ♪ don't you ♪ don't you want to see me flaunt what i got? ♪ oh. ♪ don't you ♪ don't you wanna, wanna ♪ don't you ♪ don't you wanna, wanna stress sweat is different than heat and activity sweat -- it smells worse. secret clinical strength gives you four times the protection against stress sweat. live fearlessly with secret clinical strength.

good evening, this is flo. [laughs] yes, i'm that flo. aren't you sweet! licensed phone-ups available 24/7. call 1-800-progressive.

captioning made possible by sony pictures television fire! captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute

it gets more and more entertaining every day. and once you've got verizon fios, that's when you get it -- america's fastest, most reliable internet takes your entertainment to ridiculous levels. i was streaming videos, movies, music. once i realized how fast it was, that's when i got it. [ male announcer ] and now you can get it too. for a limited time, get a hot summer deal online with fios for an amazing $79.99 a month for the first year. plus get a special bonus -- $300 back with a 2 year agreement.

technology that makes life more entertaining, call the verizon center for customers with disabilities that's powerful. at 800.974.6006 tty/v. >> reggie, i was trying to have lunch. what'd you call us down here for? >> yeah. what'd you call us down here for? >> first of all, i got a surprise for you. and secondly, ain't nobody called you. >> and fourthly, you too dumb to be getting smart with anybody. >> so what do you want me to see? >> oh, cora, it is not a what. it's a who. >> he got a big turkey in there.

>> introducing my frat brother, mike! >> hah! hah! hah! hah! hah! >> [ groans ] >> ooh. you all right? hey, pleased to meet you. >> i knew it! i knew it! he trying to pimp you out, cora! you ain't gonna pimp my daughter! get you some of this, dumb juan! [ men shouting ] >> hey! hey! hey! [ whistles ] hi. i'm cora. >> hi. pleased to meet you. >> and this is my daddy, mr. brown. >> yes. i'm her daddy. >> mike here, he's a big-time football recruiter at decatur u. >> wow, that's impressive. >> yep. yep. that's impressive. >> yeah. >> yeah. you're a big-time recruiter, and your friend is just big. >> hey, cora, in college, i used to be better than him at everything. >> please. >> football... >> nope. >> baseball... >> are you kidding me? >> women. >> you pitched a no-hitter on and off the field. >> heh. yeah, but that's all changed now. >> hah! no, it ain't. >> so, mike, what brings you to

town? >> oh, he came to see me about a job. >> really? >> yes. i'm gonna have my frat work with me at decatur u. in illinois. >> doing what? y'all got an eating team? >> no. coaching. >> coaching what? the eating team? >> football. >> reggie coaching football? you got to be -- be serious. be serious! [ laughs ] oh, you're serious. >> of course he's serious. >> yes, the university is looking for an assistant coach, and this is the best man for the job. >> really? that's wonderful, reggie. >> cora, that's whack. that sandwich this boy got hidden in his drawer is a better coach than he is. >> i ain't got no sandwich hidden in my drawers. >> hey, coach, bite me. say cheese. >> mr. brown. reggie, so does that mean you have to relocate? >> yeah, maybe. >> yes! yes! like i was saying, reggie is the best coach in here right now. [ male announcer ] now we can all be at the corner

of "just another prescription" and "sweet, something just for me." with walgreens balance rewards, everyday trips to the pharmacy earn you 500 points for each prescription you fill. and 500 more for immunizations. points you can redeem for, well, almost anything. get five dollars in rewards points when you fill 10 prescriptions, right here. at the corner of happy and healthy. [ female announcer ] some prescriptions not eligible to earn points. restrictions apply. see website for details. [ female announcer ] some prescriptions not eligible to earn points. dazzler, on. wow! dirt dazzlers let me clean and work out at the same time. shame, shame, shame. ooh, slippery, ooh! uh, let's ditch the cha-chas and get down to business. pine sol - a real clean. no gimmicks. perfectly bite-sized drops of rich and creamy chocolate happiness. when the chocolate is hershey's,

life is delicious. [ school bell rings ] >> oh, hey, reggie! i've been looking all over for you. i confiscated this from one of your students. >> oh! well, he was just practicing. i mean, you said you was grading on a curve. >> yeah. >> so reggie's been telling me about all the work he's been doing here, and that's the kind of man we want at decatur u. >> ha ha! i'm gonna be making so much money, i could buy a house, a car. i could buy you bus tickets to and from the games. i could buy you hot dogs, and we're talking about footlongs, cora. >> i can hardly wait. >> well, just hold up on the bus ticket, okay? it's not final yet, but they asked me to find somebody, so i thought of my boy. but he wasn't available, so then i called reg! >> oh, go ahead, frat man. you know i can coach. >> hey, coach, i learned all the plays in the playbook. >> oh, david hill. hey, you need to meet mike -- uh, mr. johnson. he's a big-time football

recruiter at decatur u. >> really? how you doing, sir? >> and what do you play, son? >> a little halfback. >> a little? you ought to see this boy play. >> mm-hmm. he leads the district in touchdowns. >> he had four last week. >> actually, that was five, miss simmons. >> all right. >> and we almost won. [ laughs ] ooh, this kid is being recruited by some of the top schools in the country. [ chuckles ] i'm surprised you never heard of him. >> we have so many kids trying to join our program, you know, it's hard for me to keep up. >> huh, but none of them is like david here. he averages eight yards a carry. >> 8.5. >> and he's a 3.0 student. >> oh, that's 3.6, miss simmons. >> all right. >> yeah, that's pretty impressive. >> hey, look here, son. don't correct us in front of company. >> um -- >> yo. >> [ sings indistinctly ] >> what are you doing, mr. brown, hmm?

>> i'm watching "freeloaders and the people that love them." >> but the tv isn't on. >> hint, hint. uh, where you going? >> we are going shoe shopping. >> oh, i feel sorry for you. mnh-mnh. i don't like going that shoe shopping. they sit there. they try on one shoe. they put off another shoe. they try on another one. they do it. you're sitting there, and you're waiting. you're looking, and they never make up they mind. >> that's why i bring a book. >> you? >> hey, everybody. >> hey, joaquome. >> hey, guys. hello, brianna. brianna? >> listening to that loud music is gonna damage your hearing. >> what? >> see? it's starting already. let me fix that. >> okay! no, mr. brown. i'm just kidding. i can hear just fine. >> girl, you better stop that. the lord gonna make that happen for real. you gonna go deef. i'm telling you, i don't play like that. mnh-mnh. that's why i can hear like a snake. >> snakes don't have ears.

>> oh. well, anyway, i can hear a rat pee on cotton. y'all hear that? y'all didn't hear that? >> think cora is calling you. >> yeah. i hear it. yeah. i can hear it. yes? huh? say what? yeah. i hear. i heard. cora, i'm coming! >> she's not home, is she? >> no. >> good one, baby. good one. [ laughs ] come on. >> uh, uh, sasha, can you pick up my red blouse from the cleaners? i want to wear that to tracy's party. >> well, have you finished your essay yet? >> huh? >> no essay, no partay. >> come on, baby. let's go before all the good shoes are picked over. >> sure. can't wait. yay. >> bye. this is the worst! >> i guess you better get started. >> hey, uh, why don't you help me? >> let me think about that. uh, no. >> come on, joaquin. pretty please?

i would do it for you. >> if you did it for me, i wouldn't get out of elementary school. >> hey, hey. i'll give you a quarter. >> a quarter? >> mm-hmm. >> a quarter. who -- who do you think i am? dee from "what's happening!!"? how about you give me your ipod? >> no way. nobody touches my ipod. >> okay, then. good luck. >> okay! ooh! you can have it for one week. but you have to write the essay in my words. i don't want my teacher to get suspicious. deal? >> that's easy. i'll just write it in crayon. deal. >> uh! not so fast. you need to get to writing. [ school bell rings ] >> whoo! >> man, that david kid is a beast! i did not know he was that good! >> i taught him everything he knows. >> yes, i noticed after he inhaled that sandwich after practice. >> ha ha ha. you still got jokes. i don't