ok, nobody seems to care. that's because they're all losers. all right, people. let's push some tables together. 3 pitchers right over here. spence, nice bowling tonight, cutie. gosh, the man can't run, he can't jump. he can barely walk, but, damn it, he can roll a ball. magic fingers. i got magic fingers. and ianucci, obviously trying to impress someone into having sex with him. i don't know, i wasn't that impressed. just scored a 135. hey, a 191. i guess no love? come on, deac. you and i, we're the legends, you know? we don't talk about it, we just do it. yeah--yeah, a 191. i want to talk about it. hey, how about carrie over here, huh? hey, my lovely wife, huh? gutting her way to a personal best score of...47. [cheering] sucky bowler right here. can't bowl for crap. yeah! hey, but her ass was in great form, huh? oh, yeah. oh, yeah. all i saw was a nice ass. all right, well, if you guys will excuse me, i'm gonna go stop in on bobby and pick up our league checks. so do me a favor-- order me several thousand hot wings.

bobby! yo, bobby! bobby! hey, you're not bobby. where's bobby? i fired bobby. who are you? oh, i was just-- i was--who are you? my name is bruce degner. oh, so you're the new bobby? no, i'm not the new bobby. my father-in-law owns this place. he just had a massive brain aneurysm-- which he richly deserves. so now i have to spend time i don't have away from my law practice to come in here every night and sit and look over this random heap of post-its and napkins that passes around here for a ledger. something i'm trying very hard to do right now, which brings me back to my original, still unanswered question-- who are you? hi, i'm doug. doug heffernan. i'm a member of the bowling team you sponsor. well, member-- i'm actually the captain. so what do you want, captain? uh, it's just that, uh, bobby, who i did not like,

uh, was supposed to leave me a check for our league dues this month. oh, swell, because this place really isn't hemorrhaging quite enough money yet. all right, how much? it's $1,500. boy, it's getting cold down here. were you outside? 1,500? for the year? uh, well, if you mean calendar year, yes. of course, there is another 1,500 due in the middle of the season, but that's way, way off. so, let me get this straight. cooper's has been paying you people $3,000 a year-- no, season. season-- to bowl? can i assume that you are some of the finest bowlers in the history of mankind? if you want to. sorry, doug. i can't do it. come on, bruce. you can't just drop us. cooper's bowling team is a great tradition. plus it's great for business, too. you know, people see us bowling out there wearing these shirts that say cooper's, you know, and they think to themselves... "cooper's." you with me? i think so. plus when we win a big championship, there's an article in the newspaper,

pictures, more publicity. you're a championship team? did i say that? yes. well, no, no, no, we're not. but we often make incredible comebacks that fall just short. listen, doug. you seem like a nice guy. so do you. but it just doesn't make any sense to me to sponsor a bowling team unless it wins. and even then, it's hard to get too enthusiastic. yeah, but the shirt? yes, i know the shirts, yes, yes. but, uh-- look, i guess if you did well, the publicity would be good for business. i'll tell you what. you do what you got to do, and show me you got a shot at winning one of those trophies-- you know, the guy on top with the sweater and the silver-- and i'll write you a check. you got it? i got it. i promise we'll kick it up a notch. we'll see how you do next wednesday. all right. even if we lose, though, i could always just buy you one of those trophies. or just stand in your office like this, you know? all right, man. thank you. ok, now, when we lose,

it's only by an average of about 40 pins. so just one more strike, you know, per game from each of us ought to do it. that's it, just one more strike each. or 2 of us have to get 2 more strikes each. or we each take a turn bowling a perfect game. all right! i know, it's carrie! she stinks! she's stinky carrie! but what am i supposed to do? i can't fire my own wife. well, if you don't, we're not gonna have a team anymore. well, then, you know what? screw it. we don't need the league, right? with that whole free lane time, free food. i say we all get together and bowl on another night like regular people, huh? you wanna? no. [growls] oh, god. come on, doug, we've been bowling in a league for 3 years. that's the life we know. we're not like the others anymore. all right, anyway-- look, we gotta have 2 women out of 6. league rules. so who are we gonna get to replace carrie? we could go with pam dimeo, who i wanted to get in the first place.

pam dimeo, she's awesome. can you get her? yeah. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! this is carrie we're talking about here. you guys are like a pack of wild dingoes, you know, biting into her flesh and... pulling her off the bowling team. come on, moose, don't be putting this on us. when we first put this team together, we wanted to be good, remember? you more than anybody. that's true. he's right. yeah. and one day you just pranced in and said, "carrie's on the team," and that was it. i know, i know. she was like, "oh, bowling. i wanna play. how much fun would that be?" play. first of all, you don't even play bowling, ok? you go bowling. you should have just nixed it then, moose. nix it how? by not mentioning it in front of her to begin with, that's how. i mean, kelly didn't know i was in a bowling league till year 2. this is brutal. now i either gotta fire my wife or just let the team just fall apart. it's like-- it's like sophie's choice. not really. no? what was sophie's choice again? she had to decide which of her children to give to the nazis.

ok, yeah, that's harder. oh, what am i gonna do? [arguing] hey, guys, what's up? what's up? what, did i, uh, did i interrupt something? you guys talking about chicks? see a nice rack? huh? nice set of ta-tas? yes. 2. ok. that sucked. yeah. yeah, it did. mmm. diet coke me, baby. you know what? uh... just for fun why don't we try to, like, bowl really well, ok? are your sideburns longer? i don't know. maybe. look, wednesday night we're playing "hey eddie's!" pizza,

and i just-- i want to beat them. why? i like their pizza. that's not the point. i just think we should try to win more often, 'cause winning is good. you know, it means... you won. ok. all right, so let's practice. yeah, let's practice. ok, great. ok, let me break it down for you, all right? ok. all right. it's very simple, all right? it's here. it's 1, 2, 3, 4. yes. ah, yes. see right there? use the arrows on the lane. they're your friends. oh, all right, yeah, ok. let me try, let me try. great, great, great. ok. ok. ok, you're ready? yep. nice and easy. here we go. ok, ok. ok, it's 1, 2-- ok, that's 4. you forgot 3, forgot 3. yeah, yeah, number 3. ok, here. uh, let me try to teach you a little something about form. come here. teach away, mr. kot-ter. all right, remember now, it's here first.

and then 1, 2, 3, 4-- no! carrie, come on. you copped a feel there, didn't you? yeah, you did. knock it off! i wanna win on wednesday, ok? what's the big deal? i just want to beat "hey eddie's!" why? they don't use enough sauce. all right. talk to me here. what the hell is going on? it's the new guy running cooper's, all right? he's not gonna sponsor the team unless we get better. aha. in fact, if we don't win wednesday, it's over. that's why i wanted you to practice. 'cause i'm the weak link. got it. i'm sorry i didn't tell you. i just thought maybe, you know, if you improve, you might become one of those bowlers that actually knocks pins down. ok, well, let me save you some time here. i suck at bowling, and i always will. don't say that.

doug, stop it, will you? i'm not gonna get any better. so what is it? you want me off the team? is that it? no, i don't want you off the team. why, you want to be off the team? well, if i'm gonna ruin it for everybody else. you sure you're ok with this? i guess i have to be, don't i? hey, who's up for lemon ices? "these are exactly what says... i wanted" find the pink nike flex only at famous footwear. victory is yours. dare to see the difference with pantene anti-breakage.

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well, you have a great night. i love you, ok? love you, too. see you later. hello, douglas. what's going on? isn't she bowling tonight? uh... no, dad. why isn't she bowling tonight? she, uh-- i'm not on the team anymore. why not? is she injured? no. the guy at cooper's told doug that the team has to start winning more, or he won't sponsor it. so you fired her off the team? no, i just-- i agreed to quit. and you just let her quit? it's ok, dad. it is not ok. we're talking about disloyalty and backstabbing! and for what, a free night of bowling? excuse me, honey, but i don't like the smell in here.

ok. be back by 10:00. well, here he is. thanks for showing up. sorry, had a little trouble getting out of the house. doug, this is our new teammate, pam dimeo. hey, how you doing, buddy? whoa. hey. all right, it's time to focus. we're fighting for our lives here. "hey eddie's!" pizza's going down. all right, moose, you're up. let's go! all right, let's get down to business. no, uh, he's moose. time to get serious here. come on, dougie! [cheering] all right, come on, pick it up. spare it up, dougie boy. yeah, yeah, sparing it up! sparing it up. up it will be spared.

[thinking] ok, you know what your problem is? you're not thinking about what you're doing. think. think. don't think. clear your head. nice and easy. oh, mother of crap! ok, it's 1, 2, 3, 4. the arrows are your friends.

you fired your wife from the bowling team. oh, you're an ugly, ugly man. oh, look at that, the brunswick man wears a crown. come on, focus. focus! focus on the ball. or on the pins. one or the other. you fired your wife! [groans] it's ok, it's ok. i'm doing good! i'm actually-- i'm good, i'm good. they all know i'm good. yeah, yeah. i'm good. good bowler. big doug. big, big, big doug. good bowler. where's the ball? where's the ball? oh, what's the difference? really, what does it matter? use the arrows. why, why?! you don't deserve to use those arrows! [laughing] shut up, "hey eddie's!" honey, honey-- hey, bruce, can i talk to you? look, honey, if the doctor says it's time to pull the plug, he must have a good reason.

a-and plus, that nurse also thought it was time, don't forget that. only one second. hang on, honey, there's a guy in my office. fine. just lie down and put the doctor on. all right. what do you want? i just wanted to let you know that the bowling team won tonight. yes! there is a god! hello, doctor. dr. goldman, listen-- and and and and and and-- hold on, doctor. i also want you to know i'm quitting the team. but don't worry. everything will be fine, 'cause my friend deacon--you don't know him, he's a good guy-- uh, he's gonna be taking over as the new captain, and he'll get a great bowler to replace me, and they're gonna get you one of those trophies, you know. doug, you have any idea what's going on here? i'm about to give my permission to make a man stop living. no, no! that was not official! right, right, right, right. no. i understand that. i just wanted to make sure that we're on the same page, ok? i'm out. deacon's in. great bowling team. you'll keep writing those checks. it all sounds so wonderful. now please leave. ok, i'm out of here. and hey, good luck with the whole plug-pulling thing. i'm sure you'll make the right decision. unlike pulling the mozzarella sticks from the menu.

we can go over that another time. famous hs for 300. "she's the face that launched a thousand ships." i don't know. from troy. not sure. helen of troy. i still don't know. that's the answer! hey. hey. how was bowling? yeah, how was it? after firing your wife, did you find a little chippie? huh, did you? mr. arnold? benedict arnold? famous traitor, revolutionary war? doesn't anybody read a book around here? he's still pretty mad at you. you might not want to use the shampoo. thanks for the warning. so, you guys went pretty late tonight, huh? well, actually, i stopped by cooper's after,

and i quit the team. you quit the team? why? why? you know this wasn't working. come on, me on the team, you not on the team. all the unspoken tension. you know, we pass in the morning-- "oh, hello. you're looking well." ok, which one of us said that? you know what i mean, all right? i mean, i felt bad, you know? i was thinking about you all night, and i bowled an 80. aw, you sucked because of me? that's so sweet. but, honey, you shouldn't have quit the team. yeah, i should've. look at you. this is the first time in a week you're not depressed. well, yes, it's because i'm touched that you were willing to quit. so, it is good that i quit? no, it's not good that you quit. ok, what is this? a riddle? look, doug, i don't want you to quit the team. i never wanted you to quit the team. i just wanted you to want to quit. why didn't you just say that? well, i couldn't say that. if i had said that,

then you wouldn't really be wanting to quit. you would just be wanting it because i wanted you to want it. ok, if you don't make sense, i'm gonna tackle you. i want you on the team. so, let me understand this. there's no actual plug, per se? psst! [whispering] got a sec? (tires screeching) red hot deal days are back. (alarm beeping) stop for no one. what? it's red hot deal days. get $100 off the samsung galaxy note ii with features like pop-up play. lets you use any app while watching video. or use the s pen for hand-written notes. just $199.99. hurry in, sale ends august 11th. getting the best back to school deals. that's powerful. verizon. excuse me, sir i'm gonna have to ask you to

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>> ha ha! nice moves, baby. >> oh, my god, baby, why you didn't tell me you were watching? >> [ chuckles ] what, and miss this show? >> [ laughs ] >> looking good, baby, looking good. what's got you all macarena today? >> well, you remember that karen had those tickets to the red, hot, and latin dance this saturday? >> yeah! >> yeah, well, i told her we couldn't go. >> why'd you do that? >> because, baby, you can't dance. and i figured you had to work, anyway, so... >> well, actually, you're right, but that doesn't mean you should miss out on all the fun. ask somebody else. >> baby, who would actually be home on a saturday night? >> hey, anybody want to play bingo? ♪ b-a-n-g-o ♪ bango was his name-o >> hey, uncle brown. >> "uncle brown" what?

>> sasha needs a partner for the red, hot, and latin dance on saturday. want to go? >> oh, i'm -- i'm busy. >> doing what? >> i got to wash my hair. yeah, that's what i'm doing. sshh, sshh, sshh! >> well, that won't take long. >> oh, lord, look what the cat coughed up and spit in the kitchen. >> well, look, i'd love to hang out with y'all, but i got to run. heh heh! get it? >> all the comedians out of work, and he want to make jokes. that was hilarious, will. ha ha ha! >> baby, you want to catch that movie tonight? >> oh, sorry, baby. i got to work late. >> but that's the third time this week. >> yeah, i know. uh, i'm sorry, but i'll make it up to you, all right? see y'all. >> will seems to be working late a lot lately. >> that's part of being a doctor, ms. edna. >> you're a very sweet girl. gullible, but sweet.

>> ms. edna, what are you talking about? >> i used to have a husband who liked to work overtime. >> and what did he do? >> his secretary, mostly. >> ms. edna. >> i'm just saying. most women would be suspicious. >> ms. edna, i'm not going down this road again, okay? i have absolutely no reason not to trust my husband. >> sasha, i couldn't get this lipstick out of will's collar. >> oh, did you try that stain-stick thing? >> yes, i tried everything. i don't know what that is. >> cora, that's not my lipstick. >> it's not? >> ohh. >> okay, look, there's probably a very logical explanation for this, and-- >> yeah, will wearing makeup. ooh, i hope my nephew ain't turning into one of them transformers. ♪

♪ ♪ and the food you love is serving up fantastic prizes. everything from red box movies, to a chance to win a million dollar prize on a big mac. what will you be served up this summer? ♪ what will you be served up this summer? dazzler, on. wow! dirt dazzlers let me clean and work out at the same time. shame, shame, shame. ooh, slippery, ooh! uh, let's ditch the cha-chas and get down to business. pine sol - a real clean. no gimmicks. >> so you want to, or should i tell them? >> no, you tell them.

>> well, it'll sound better coming from you. you tell them. >> oh, your voice is more commanding. now, why don't you tell them? >> okay, now, look! would one of you just tell me? it ain't like it's something important. >> how do you know it's not important, mr. brown? >> cora, 'cause it's not about me. >> oh. >> mr. brown, would you let them speak? we all want to hear the news. >> yes, mr. brown. i want to hear what they have to say. >> jesus, don't you have something you can be fixing outside? >> i've already fixed everything. >> well, here. go fix that. what you got to say, ashford and simpson? >> well, the news is... edna and i have decided to move in together. >> oh, it's gonna be a beautiful wedding! ooh, we'll get everything together. it's gonna be great! you're getting married! >> no, we're moving in together. >> well, congratulations. >> yeah! >> that's great! [ both laugh ] >> is it yours? >> what? >> colonel, you done finally lost your mind. what's wrong with you? i tell you what, you and edna can squeeze up there in that room if you want to, but both of

you still paying full rent. >> we're not staying up in any room. we're getting our own place. >> that's right. >> how are the two of you gonna get your own place? both of you broker than the ten commandments. >> well, i've been saving some money. >> mm-hmm, and i got a little nest egg. see, you don't know about it. >> yeah, i know bats don't have no nest. >> actually, mr. brown, bats do have nests. >> who are you, the beastmaster? here -- fix that. and y'all go do something else. ugh. >> i'm gonna go tell the kids. >> whatever. >> mr. brown, why you just can't be happy for them? >> yeah. >> yeah, you said you wanted me to leave. wanted the satisfaction of kicking you out myself. >> well, then i guess you won't get that satisfaction, now, will you? >> i'm not worried, 'cause you'll be back. both of you will be back. >> mm-hmm. >> 'cause they got rules in most places about renting to people like -- like the two of you. >> the people like the two of us? what rules? >> i got three words for you, colonel -- no pets allowed. put your beast down.

>> okay. bye, baby. >> wait. where you going, huh? >> oh, i told you, i had to work tonight. >> will, what's this? >> uh, that's my shirt. >> don't be funny, william. >> my blue shirt? oh, oh, oh. heh, heh! that's lipstick. >> william! >> uh, try some stain remover. >> look, i know this is lipstick, but this is not my color. >> oh! [ chuckles nervously ] yeah, see, old lady carmichael, she gave me a kiss for every kidney stone she passed. >> carmichael is 4'11". how did she get to your neck, huh? >> you know, i should call and ask her. you seen my phone? i cannot -- i just realized i don't have my phone. >> your phone is upstairs on the

dresser, will. >> aha! thank you. [ chuckles ] you know what? i'm gonna hurry up, find it, get on out of here, and go see dr. harris. >> sasha, you shouldn't worry about what edna says. she just ignorant. will is a good man. he ain't nothing like his daddy. >> what about will's daddy? >> i can't tell you nothing about his daddy. >> yes, you can. >> my lips shut. i ain't gonna say nothing. >> okay, well, never mind. >> well, if you gonna beg me... ask me again, and i might say something. you ain't asked me, and i ain't said nothing. >> what about will's daddy? >> well, since you asked... you know the old saying, "papa was a rolling stone"? >> mm-hmm. >> well, will's daddy was a avalanche. yes! he cheated on my sister vera up until the day she asked him to go get her a pack of cigarettes from the store. he never came back from that store. he's been gone ever since! [ both inhale sharply ] >> i can't believe will never

told me. >> don't worry. will ain't like them other boys. he ain't nothing like his daddy. yeah, he don't smoke. hey, nephew. >> hey, what's up, unc? all right, babe. got to go. dr. anderson doesn't like to be kept waiting. >> i thought you said dr. harris. >> oh. oh, yeah. uh... [ chuckles nervously ] dr. harris-anderson. bye, baby. don't wait up. [ door closes ] >> you kept me waiting. >> i'm sorry. but i think my wife suspects something. >> how much time do we have? >> i don't know, an hour? >> will, with a man like you, i'm gonna need more time. >> well, that's all we got, so let's just make the most of it, okay? >> why can't you tell your wife that you're taking dance classes? >> well, because i want to surpri h