hanging on the rinaldis' door. so? so? it's a snub! it's their way of saying, "look at us, world, we're richer than those schnooks across the street!" how dare they flaunt their wealth at us. ugh! wealth? dad, mr. rinaldi drives a cab, and his wife works for easter seals. yeah, and they're gonna make sure everyone in the neighborhood knows it. well, honey, the rinaldis are about to look directly into the mouth of hell! dad, dad, can't you just take a white pill and a blue pill and leave this alone? oh, i will take those pills, but i will not leave this alone. hi. hey. want to help me wrap a little bit? uh, sure. but, uh... i think we need to have a little talk first. what? what happened? is everything ok? oh, it's just that today, uh, at work, out of the blue, i get called into supervisor o'boyle's office and, uh...

and--and what? uh, he just handed me this $3,000 christmas bonus! $3,000! i can't believe it! and see what i did there? i made you think it was bad, when actually it was good. yeah, you're a comedic genius. let me see this. ohh! holy crap! 3,000 bucks! and all i got was a donation made in my name to some disease charity. yeah, thank ya! so what do you want to do with it? well, i'm thinkin', and go with me here--ahem-- double-d breast implants. why? the ones you have now are so cute and perky. way to turn it around on me. look, i'm serious. what do you want to do with it? i don't know. i guess we should throw it in the bank quick before they realize what a mediocre employee i really am. really? put it in the bank? why, you got another idea? hmm?

solid gold bathtub? should we have our teeth drilled and little rubies put in? [imitates bugs bunny] hey, what's up? no. i was thinking that all these lawyers at my firm have been investing in all these internet stocks, and they have been making some stupid money. you want to put the money in the stock market? doug, these web stocks are exploding. you remember that lawyer from my firm, harry sternin? no. the one you said looks like a fat phil collins? oh, yeah. anyway, he--he bought this stock called shominy dot something, and he tripled his money in the last 4 days. "shominy"? what do they even do? i don't know. they make shominies. who--who cares? the point is... the stock was at $2.00 on monday and now it's at 6.00! what do you think? i don't know. i kinda like my "put it in the bank" idea. come on, dougie, the gravy train is pullin' out. why can't we jump on the gravy train? because sometimes gravy trains derail. then there's blood and gravy everywhere.

all right, whatever. i tried. [door opens] put it back! [belches] carrie: doug! doug, come here! what? advanced digital business to business e-commerce networking solutions. shominy dot com. you wanted to know what they did, so i looked it up. now you know. thanks. i'll be in the shower. doug, come on! this is a great stock. 4 analysts made it their top pick. come on, carrie. all this stuff is just so risky.

so you take a risk once in a while. why do i have to take a risk? look, honey, if we put the money in the bank, it'll grow in little dribs and drabs, but if we buy the stock, we--we have a chance to finally make some real money. we--we can go someplace, like europe. what's in europe? we don't have to go there. we can go anywhere. busch gardens? we can go to busch gardens anytime. want to go this weekend? ok. you are really missing the point. look, honey, i am happy with our life. i really am. we love each other, we have good friends, good jobs. now if we just had all that plus, you know... money... better yet, huh? you really want to do this, huh? yes. all right, i'm your guy. i'm in. yay! mwah.

oh, here you are. yes, here i am. how ya doin'? good. what'd you do? what's the matter? nothin', just feel like gettin' a little action. before dinner? are you drinkin'? no, but maybe these stock reports i'm holding might have something to do with it. dougie, shominy dot com just doubled today! no! yes. yes. no! no! yes! let me see! let me see! oh, sweet shominy! 6 grand! 6 grand! i know. i wish we had the cash right now. we could throw it on the bed and have sex on it. want to do it on the stock report? no. i think it has to be money, don't you? uh, don't go by me. i'd have sex with you on an angry bear.

[imitates thurston howell] hello, lovey! oh, hey. what you-- what you doin'? oh, nothin'. just surfin' the web. why is your voice so high? [in high voice] psh, it's not! what's going on? the stock is down a little. a little? w-what's a little? all right, before i tell you, you have to agree not to panic. ok, you see, by saying that, you make me panic. now tell me quickly before i pass out from fear. ok, it's at 4. carrie, no! we bought it at 6! we bought it at 6! i know. but 4 is less than 6. i know! i went to first grade. now just calm down. i can't calm down, carrie. it's at 4! look, harry sternin said that--that--that it's normal for the stock to dip a little. well, you know what? then marry him! i gotta think, i gotta think, i gotta think, i gotta think! well, what do we do? we hold onto the stock. it'll come back up. you think so? it has to. now--now look... get a grip!

remember, we are long-term investors. we're in this for 3 to 4 weeks. all right, now just calm down and we'll ride it out, ok? ok. [mumbling] [birds chirping] [beep] [beep] what are you doing? i want to see where the stock is at. here, help me get online. no, no, sweetie. you can't watch it every minute. you'll drive yourself crazy. look, i don't care. i want to know where it's at. fine. do it yourself. look, i need your help. i'm stuck in solitaire. ok, one look and that's it. one's fine. one--one's great.

ok, you're signed on. it'll just take a second. hi. hello. ok, we're in. now we just type in the symbol and... ohh! ohh? what--what's ohh? where you lookin'? it says, uh... it's at 3. 3?! oh, my god! it's at 3?! come on, let's sell. let's sell-- no, no, no. look, look, look here. it says the dip in the stock was because the ftc approval of their technology was delayed. of course it was delayed, 'cause no one can figure out what the hell they make! they--they make advanced commerce...something! whatever it is, it's good. oh, yeah? can i buy one? where do i go? where? waldbaum's, huh? sam goody? has goody got it?! ok, doug, could you just calm down, because you're starting to panic me. yeah, 'cause you know i'm right. oh, my god! we're gonna lose the whole 3 grand! it's going to go down to zero! oh, god! dry heaves.

ewww! carrie, look, i am begging you. please, let's just sell, ok? let's sell while we still have enough to go to busch gardens. i don't--i don't know. i mean, harry's not selling. harry's a millionaire, all right? he buys and sells people for sport. he'd kill you as soon as look at you. look... carrie, i'm not wired for this kind of stuff. you know, i'm--i'm jittery, i-i'm nervous. look, my eye is twitching. look, you see it? no. well, it's not now, but it was. we gotta sell. come on! i don't care if it goes up to 100 tomorrow. let's just get out of it and be done with it. fine! if it's gonna make you this crazy, then we'll sell it. good. thank you. i can't tell you how good it feels to be done with this madness. it's back up. hmm?

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[ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets! [ female announcer ] nestle. good food. good life. tv anchorwoman: the fourth record day in a row for the nasdaq as tech stocks continue to fire the market. leading the charge is new issue shominy dot com, up over 200% on news that it received ftc approval of its highly anticipated advanced digital business to business e-commerce networking solution technology. approval. they got approval. good for them. yes... good for them. you're hating me right now, aren't you? nooo! yes, you are. come on, you can say it, huh? "chunky made us sell. chunky cost us money." that's what you're thinkin'. that is not what i'm thinking. you have to be thinking that, carrie. if it wasn't for me, we'd be up like...

like 4,000 bucks. closer to 5. but it is not your fault. i'm the one who let your non-stop bitching and whimpering wear me down. and for that, i am very, very sorry. so we're cool? oy. i'm sorry, all right? i feel guilty. you know, i--i acted like a little... sissy investor girl. here, make this part of my body. just make it part of my body. doug, would you just forget it? come on! we--we sold the stock. it's over with. could we just get on with our lives? ok? ok. ok. let's buy back in. what?! come on. it's on its way back up. that settles it. you need lithium. no. think about it. we only sold 'cause we-- we didn't have any approval, you know?

now we have something to sink our teeth into. we got the--grr grr-- the approval. god, doug, you are driving me crazy! but the stock is so high now! high and only goin' higher. i know it, carrie. i feel it, i swear. it's a gut feeling. this does not lie. all right, we buy back in. b-b-but this time, we buy the stock and we leave it alone for one full week, ok? we do not obsess, we do not panic. we just go on with our lives and let the stock do whatever it's gonna do. hey! what stock? it's all right there. take your time crossin'. and have a nice day. yeah, there's a new invention. it's called a turn signal. why don't you use it, you moron? hey, got enough dogs there, guy?

that's crazy, walking all those dogs. ♪ go on, now go ♪ walk out the door ♪ just turn around now those wheels are on your chair for a reason... use 'em! [car horns honking] bob cratchett: we've never had any quarrel that i've ever been party to. i ask nothing of you. i came here in the spirit of bright good will and i won't let you dampen it. so a merry christmas to you anyway, uncle. good evening. scrooge: humbug! o-ok, why are you doing that? what? mouthing. what are you talking about? you're mouthing along to the movie. so? i've seen the movie 100 times. i know all the words. i understand that. but it's annoying.

so then don't watch me. i wasn't watching you, ok? but i can see it in my periphinal vision and it's distracting. it's peripheral. what did i say? you said, "periphinal." no, i didn't. ok, fine, you didn't. can i watch the movie now? oh, go ahead. scrooge: that's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every 25th of december. i said "peripheral." cratchett: it's the family more than me. see, they put their hearts into it. for god sakes, wash your feet. they stink! ok, it's not my feet. it's my socks. well, burn 'em. funny, you didn't have a problem with my feet when the stock was at 12. ok, here we go. look, stinky, you're the one who begged me to buy back in just in time to ride the plummet. they got the approval!

right. the approval. oh, i could sink my teeth into the approval. you know what? why don't you sink your teeth into my ass? that's nice. that's nice. that's very ladylike. what a delicate little flower i married, hmm? well, doug, at least i know not to buy high and sell low, ok? so here's a tip. why don't you buy yourself some instinct? you know what? that's a real good idea. i'll--i'll go down to the bank and i'll take out a little bit of my christmas bonus-- oops, it never made it there! you know what? you could pin this on me if you want to, doug, but remember, you're the one who sold, you're the one who panicked. oh, here it comes. ok, go ahead, say it, say it. chunky cost us money. come on. come on, say it. it doesn't matter. well, chunky did cost us money. i can't believe you just called me chunky. hey, kids, come here. i want to show you something. ok. come on, double-time.

come on, let's go. quick. quick, quick. what's up? i, uh, scrapped all the other junk and i went out and i got this. so what do you think? [silent nig ht playing] you know, i shouldn't have told you about my christmas bonus in the first place. that's it. oh, sure, why don't we just sell the stock, hmm? it's just about low enough. fine, sell! good. then when it goes back up on monday, you'll be all, "ooh, chunky sorry." again? again with the chunky? yes, yes. you back it down. both of you stop it! how sad this is. it's christmas eve and all you two can do is argue about a couple of nickels and dimes? let me tell you something. the best christmas i ever had was with your mother in our first house, the one in flatbush. we were broke. we had no heat, no hot water, and a leaky roof. but we loved it! you know why? 'cause you had each other.

'cause we had vodka! so come in and let's have some shots. um... i'm sorry. i'm sorry, too. let's just sell the stock. yes. i mean, who cares how much we lose? at least we'll be done with it, right? let's just dump it and be happy with the life we have. yeah. hmm, yes. ok. merry christmas, baby. hmm, merry christmas. mmm. although it really can't go any lower, can it? i was just thinking the same thing. maybe we should keep it. maybe we should buy more. you know, harry bought more. harry knows. he's a very, very smart man.

so we'll buy some more? well, how we gonna get the money? i don't know. uh... second mortgage? better yet. cash advance on our credit cards. yeah, 'cause we get the miles. captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- i don't do any cleaning. i make dirt. ♪ very, very heavy. i'm not big enough or strong enough for this. there should be some way to make it easier. [ doorbell rings ] [ morty ] here's a box, babe. open it up. oh my goodness! what is a wetjet? some kind of a mopping device. there's a lot of dirt on here. morty, look at how easy it is. it's almost like dancing. [ both humming ] this is called the swiffer dance. [ both humming ] are you flo? yes. is this the thing you gave my husband? well, yeah, yes. the "name your price" tool. you tell us the price you want to pay,

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biscuits. just like me, golden-brown. >> mmm. they look good. >> yeah? >> something smells good. >> these biscuits. >> are those biscuits homemade? >> yes, i went to the store and got a can of them, brought them back to the house, and made them here at the house -- homemade, made here at home. >> i'll take two. >> sure. okay, here you go, right. let's get you this one right there. bam! one, two. and there go your little butter right there for your biscuits. hot, buttered biscuits on your breakfast plate. >> you're so generous, mr. brown. >> thank you. >> what are you doing, mr. brown? you playing with her food? >> no, cora, i'm trying to make the food stretch. ever since edna, the colonel, and london moved out, they stopped paying rent. i told you they was all selfish. i knew it -- selfish. >> mr. brown, you can't expect them to move out and still pay rent. >> yes. >> you know what? you are -- you're so right. both of you are so, so right. i'm gonna triple your rent. yes, you pay 3 times. >> that's not fair. >> well, i know. i'm just so desperate. i-i'd do anything to get out of this hole. >> well, you can let colonel, miss edna, and london move back in. >> anything but that. i'm not that desperate. i won't do that. no.

>> ugh! mr. brown, this juice tastes like water. >> well, that's because most of it is water. it's called "rationing." >> no, it's called "being irrational." >> you can call it what you want to, cora, but the next time you go to the salon and try to get your eyebrows arched and you can only afford to get one of them done, you'll be walking around here looking like this, like you winking at everybody. "excuse me, sir. excuse me." you'll be looking like... [ imitating popeye's laugh ] >> that's how you look every day. >> ha ha ha! >> okay, i finished cutting the grass and trimming the hedges, and i got the leaves out of the drain. >> oh, thank you, jesus. you're such a good young man. i don't know what we would do without you being around here. but times are hard, and i'm about to find out. you're fired! goodbye. >> what?! >> oh, you can't understand. uh, el let-o go-go. bye-bye. bye-bye. >> why didn't you tell me i was fired before i did all the work? >> because if i'd have told you that, you wouldn't have done all the work. duh! >> what am i supposed to do now?

>> i don't know. cora! >> jesus, i read on the message board that the hospital's looking for janitors. you can stop by later and apply. >> okay. thanks, sasha, i will. >> uh, jesus, i knew it was something else i forgot to ask you. can you look at the toilet? i forgot that one. >> mr. brown. >> huh? >> i have a hoe. >> speaking of, i think edna owe me some money for breaking her lease. i'm gonna call her. [ female announcer ] you've always got a new accomplishment in sight. and now you've got new one a day women's proedge. a complete multivitamin with 8 essential b-vitamins that help convert food to energy. because an active lifestyle has its rewards. new one a day women's proedge. the next powerful storm is going to hit... but it will... that's why there's a new duracell battery. introducing duracell quantum. with its high density core, it's a quantum leap in battery power.

the next storm is out there. but so are the heroes. so we're giving a million duracell quantum to first responders everywhere. power. in the hands of the most powerful. duracell. trusted everywhere. >> hey, simone, come look at this dress. tell me if you like it. right there. >> it's cute. ooh, what about this one? >> girl, you know that is way too short and way too skanky. >> should i order you one, too? >> yeah, you know it, girl. >> [ laughs ] >> [ sighs ] >> hey, derek. >> hey, little bit. >> sean. this is my friend simone. >> what's up, simone? >> how you doing? >> i'm fine. >> hey, simone.

>> hey. how was the game? >> oh. well, it was, uh... good for me but not so good for them. >> hey, man, my shot was off. >> of course it was off. that's because i blocked it way off up in the bleachers. >> is embarrassing me really necessary in front of the women? >> ain't no women here. i don't see nothing but two little girls. and that's what you get for calling me "old man." >> that was old-school. >> well, will, you know, they say the hearing is the first thing to go. >> [ laughing ] that's funny. go where? >> hey, man, about tonight, go ahead and ask him. >> no, you ask him. >> come on, we discussed this. you supposed to ask him, man. >> rock, paper, scissors. you lost. >> yeah, but you cheated all seven times. will, derek has something he wants to ask you. >> what's up, derek? >> hey, um, so, we were thinking of having a quiet little

get-together over at the house tonight -- you know, kind of like a bible study, and, uh, we're a little short on chairs. >> you're gonna have a quiet little bible study at your house? >> mm-hmm. >> the frat house? oh, so you mean, like, a frat party? >> yeah, you can call it that. >> we've never been to a frat party. >> never been. >> uh, sorry, little bit, no little girls allowed, right? >> that's right. >> right, will? >> my man! >> yeah. >> uh, excuse me, who you calling little girls? >> uh, you and you. >> yeah, yeah, plus, we wouldn't want you guys to miss your cartoons. >> oh, man, i love cartoons! what? >> see, that's child's play over there. we grown men doing manly things. >> grown men, right. >> bonding, right, right? >> that's right. that's right. >> will you buy us some liquor? >> uh, no. you guys are underage. >> yeah, i didn't think so. come on, sean, let's go. >> right behind you. wasting my time with this old man, anyway. we should have never let him win. >> what?! [ door closes ]

>> oh. they are so... >> hey, you know what? before you two even ask, the answer is no. >> please? >> no. it's a frat party. it's for college students. >> yeah, well, i'm almost in college. >> well, then consider yourself almost going. >> come on, will. i mean, you were in college once. you know you kicked it at a few frat parties a long, long... long, long, long, long... ♪ long time ago [ laughs ] >> well, i don't know if it was that long ago, but i definitely went to some frat parties. oh, yeah. ha ha! get it. get it. oh, no. oh, you're definitely not going. no. frat parties are wild and out of control. anything can happen. >> but we'll be careful. >> very careful. >> oh, yeah, i know you're gonna be careful. you know why? because you're gonna be careful right here at home. >> thank you, mr. brown, for

giving me a ride. i appreciate it. >> well, it's the least i can do for shattering all your dreams and hope and your aspirations. >> so, giving me a ride is how you pay me back? >> mm-hmm. i'll tell you what. here, just take that, and we ought to be even. what? you already drunk four of them. now, here, take this one. yes, we even now. >> where's sasha? i don't see sasha. >> i don't know. you seen sasha? sasha! [ bell dinging ] sasha! >> shh. >> you don't shush me. you shush. you don't know me. i'm a grown man! sasha, we been looking everywhere for you in this hospital. >> i know. you're in a hospital. you got to keep it down, guys. hospital rules. >> [ grunting ] >> didn't you hear sasha just say, "keep it down"? >> mr. brown. >> i'm trying to help you. >> okay, you know what? jesus, are you ready for your interview? >> yes. i mean, no. i mean, yes, as soon as i come back from the men's room. >> jesus? >> i would scream and tell him to come back, but i don't want to break no hospital rules. >> mr. brown, i got to get back