i was watching the news the other day, brought to you by paxil. well now i need it. that's smart advertising. that's another thing too, when i was a kid the news was on once a day; you either caught it or you missed it. now the news is on 24 hours a day. and that's not enough, they got a guy talking and then there's a crawl down there. so you got that guy talking, you got the crawl going, you're online, you're putting in your opinion on your poll. "no i say to that, no!" "i said no too, that's right." [audience laughs]. [audience applause].

and then if you stop paying attention to the crawl, you to back to that guy for a minute, you go back to the crawl and you catch the end of something. "madonna's left foot." "what about madonna's left foot, what happened?" you're waiting for it to come back around again. it goes to commercial. "are you sad, do you get stressed?" [audience applause]. kristin chenoweth: here's one of my favorites, an adorable clip of ellen as dory the lovable little fish in the immortal "finding nemo." [ellen's voice as dory]. dory: now, let's ask somebody for directions. marlin: oh, fine, who do you want to ask the spec? there's nobody here! dory: well there has to be someone it's the ocean silly, we're not the only two in here. let's see. okay, no one there. ah, nope. nada. ha, there's somebody, hey! excuse.

marlin: dory, dory! ok, now it's my turn. i'm thinking of something dark and mysterious. it's a fish we don't know and if we ask it directions it could ingest us and spit out our bones! dory: what is it with men and asking for directions? marlin: i don't want to play the gender card right now. you want to play a card? let's play the "let's not die" card. dory: you want to get out of here don't ya? marlin: of course i do! dory: well then how we gonna do that unless we give it a shot and hope for the best, hmm? marlin: but dory. dory: hmm? marlin: you don't fully understand. dory: come on, trust me on this. marlin: alright. dory: excuse me, yoo-hoo, little fella? hello? don't be rude, say hi. marlin: ha, hello. dory: his son "bingo." marlin: nemo. dory: nemo was taken to uh. marlin: sydney. dory: sydney, yes and it's really, really important that we get there as fast as we can. so can you help us out? come on little fella, come on.

marlin: dory, i'm a little fella. i don't think that's a little fella. [whale call]. dory: oh big fella, big fella, whale. ok. maybe he only speaks whale? [making whale sounds]. marlin: uh, dory. dory: [making whale sounds]. marlin: what are you doing, what are you doing? are you sure you speak whale? dory: [making whale sounds]. marlin: dory, heaven knows what you're saying! see, he's swimming away. dory: come ba-a-a-a-a-ck. marlin: he's not coming back, you offended him! dory: maybe a different dialect? [makes deeper whale sounds]. marlin: dory this is not whale, you're speaking like upset stomach. dory: maybe i should try humpback? marlin: no don't try humpback. dory: [makes loud whale sounds]. marlin: alright, you actually sound sick. dory: maybe louder huh? [makes louder whale sounds]. marlin: don't do that! dory: too much orca, didn't that sound a little orca-ish? marlin: it doesn't sound orca; it sounds like nothing i've ever heard! dory: [making whale sounds]. marlin: it's just as well, he might be hungry.

dory: don't worry, whales don't eat clownfish, they eat krill. krill: swim away! dory: oh look, krill! marlin: move dory, move! announcer: please welcome two time grammy award winner, jason mraz. [audience applause]. jason mraz: and now a song of acknowledgement and a warning for it has an unpopular word in it. but gosh darn it, congratulations ellen; you bleeping did it. ♪ ♪ all those who were hanging round the water cooler. will never believe how you tackled the thousand puzzle pieces. and you could see it before we competed it. before we made it whole. how you put it all together with a blindfold. you're like a long game token that keeps the game goin. but your claim to fame is how you like to lay low. out of the lime light which can hurt your eyes. if you're not careful you'll become another devil in disguise. but you watch your back, you watch your back.

you're growing eyes in the back of your head to prevent another sneak attack, sneak attack. you must be keeping secret weapons in your fanny pack. you're like my laughing gas. you got the cat to dance. you're like a beetle's flashdance with your huli glass. you got a wing span, spanning the globe. you got gold and teaching us to let go. you're a wise old owl when your the cats meow. if this were twelfth grade you would be my cap and gown. if this were india then you would be a sacred cow. and i'd bow down to you. so grateful to the gods for making you. aw, you (bleep) did it. you really did it, yeah. you done did it. you really did it. you f'n did it. you really did it yeah. you done did it. you really did it. you'll be standing up for equal rights of the american people. and you'll be meeting all the influential seekers with a similar dream. you've got a seat save that's emblazed with our name. and a super hero cap on. you see the future as a sky full of possibility. with a spryness of mind and psychic ability. you probably won't die at the hand of an enemy. and not in a den of inequity. you're not the average joe. you're not the average jane.

you're not above or below. but you're never just plain. you never take no, personally. and any time you get stopped you try another way. could we settle for a kiss without a cease and desist? if they ask me we won't tell cause we're activists. i am that i am and you are that you are. and we're all that is. how p-e-r-f-e-c-t you're a-t-t-i-t-u-d-e be. what does that spell? it spells you did it. you really did it yeah. you done did it. you really did it. you f'n did it. you really did it yeah. you done did it. you really did it, did it, did it, di, di, di, di, di, di, do. ♪ whoo! ♪ ♪ ♪ monotone solo. ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ooohhh! ♪ ♪ ♪ [music tempo change]. when you circumnavigating the turntable calling the tracks. like you be jumpin in the water you be makin a splash. you be keeping your heart beat going.

and you be keeping the harmony going. well there's an awful lot of musical styles you could play. well there's an awful lot of tastes. an awful lot of dates you could be on, you be keepin' your back bone strong. and you be keepin the trombone blowin'. [music tempo changes]. well every friend of mine will give each other high fives. when your beautiful mind is to your own devices. you so what you like and you always like what you try. you touch me like an iphone application. move me like a smooth jazz music station. do what you do in the way that you choose to do them. oh my god. you're quick to be so quotable. damn you got a way with words. you got a magical handshake for saving the earth. you are degeneres and you are so awesome it hurts. well you are a-w-e-s-o-m-e. what does that spell? it spells you did it. you really did it yeah. you done did it. you really did it. you f'n did it. you really did it yeah.

you done did it. you really did it. well you are a-w-e- s-o-m-e. you are a-w-e- s-o-m-e. you are a-w-e-s-o-m-e. you are a-w-e-s-o-m-e. you are a-w-e-s-oooooooo. me. ♪ [audience applause]. announcer: to present the 2012 mark twain prize,

the chairman of the john f. kennedy center for the performing arts; david rubenstein. [audience applause]. ♪ ♪ david rubenstein: the last time i danced in public it was at my bar mitzvah. it wasn't a pretty site then either. tonight you have seen why ellen degeneres is such a worthy recipient of the 15th mark twain prize. like mark twain, and each of the previous 14 recipients of the prize, tonight's award winner has a unique style and manner of making people laugh. in ellen's case it is to use warmth and wit, grace and charm, friendliness and happiness. and all of this is always with a smile on her face and a spark in her step; especially her dance step.

it is unlikely that others can replicate this unique approach to humor, but no doubt others will try. they will try because ellen has simply become one of the modern "gold standards" of humor. and for that reason, at some point down the road, we can expect to see other organizations giving out humor awards, and calling them the, "ellen degeneres awards." but tonight, we are pleased that ellen is the recipient of our award and i am now honored to present the 2012 mark twain prize to ellen degeneres. [audience applause]. ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ellen degeneres: thank you. [audience applause]. thank you. goodnight, thank you. [audience laughs]. wow. um, thank you again. uh, this really is an amazing feeling standing here on this stage with this bust. and this beautiful statue of mark twain. [audience laughs]. it's a strange thing to get an award for being funny because when i started out doing stand up

i didn't do it to get awards. i did it for money, a lot of money. it's really all i wanted. to everyone, first of all, to everyone who flew out here; to be here, i thank you. jimmy and john and jason and john again and loudon and kristen and steve and lily and sean and jane; thank you for being apart of this pbs show. and i realize now with all the gay presenters and a lot of you tonight, this could have been on bravo; it easily could have been. different. it's kind of hard to stand on stage and follow all those very, very funny people, you know, to come up after they've spoken. to be honest when they called me and asked who i would like to speak before me i said, "ken burns." that's who i wanted. it would have been easier.

thanks to everyone at pbs, i am so happy to be apart of your farewell season; this is wonderful. [audience laughter and applause]. and really, to whoever found all those clips, thank you for sharing them with everyone. what a wonderful trip down memory lane and a little detour down mullet street. that was um. i, of course, want to thank mark twain. is he here tonight? if you see him, thank him. i've never read mark twain, but to be fair he never saw my hbo special; so i guess that's. it's really incredible. when i heard i was going to be getting this award and traveling to our nations capital i was so excited. i thought, "this is a big deal to go to new york city and accept this, this is." and then people were like, "you know new york is not the capital?" and i was like, "i know, i know and i love boston." so.

they're like, "it's not boston." so long story short, i'm happy to be here at the kennedy center where so may space shuttles have been launched. what a beautiful. [audience laughing]. i don't know where i am. i'm extremely grateful, i can't believe my life. i have emmy's and i have peoples choice awards and i have a peabody and now a mark twain prize and who knows maybe someday a mirror ball with "dancing with the stars," that would be, of course, the goal. actually this is technically it's not an award, it's a prize. ya'll are very particular with your words. it's intimidating actually to speak to a bunch of smart and educated people, but i'm no dummy. let me just say you all look verboten tonight. [audience laughs].

it really is amazing; it's funny how the universe guides you to where you're meant to be. i really did not know what i wanted to do in life, i had no intention on becoming a comedian. i wanted to make people happy and i wanted to make my mother laugh. my parents were divorced when i was young and my mother was sad a lot and i just wanted to make her laugh. and i had no idea that i could make a living, that there would be a career in making people happy. and as you saw earlier when i was speaking at tulane; i, i tried everything. i chucked oysters, i painted houses, i sold vacuum cleaners, i was a court runner but there was always a voice saying, "you should be doing something different." and it was usually my boss and i was being fired, but i would. [audience laughs]. so. i started working at comedy clubs, places like "the chuckle hut"

and "the giggle factory" and strip malls and i know it sounds glamorous, but. if you like really drunk people yelling out, "why aren't you wearing a dress?" my mother would show up sometimes. [audience laughs]. i'm grateful that i played all of those, i'm so grateful that i struggled; that i played very, very difficult, i mean i would play anywhere. it wasn't just comedy clubs, because there weren't a lot of comedy clubs when i was starting out in new orleans. i would play anywhere; it didn't matter if it had a stage. i played a restaurant one time; it was this long, narrow restaurant and when i showed up there was a chalkboard on the sidewalk that said, "soup of the day: broccoli and ellen degeneres." soup got the top billing and that was. you can imagine, by the time i actually made my first appearance on johnny carson i was so

nervous and excited and of course the outfit was very important, um. i had no idea what to wear and while i really try to have no regrets in my life; it was a bad choice that out fit was. [audience laughs]. the one where i was doing the "phone call to god" it was like a giant, like a tablecloth type shirt with huge pants and it was just a bad outfit. possibly because sinbad helped me pick that outfit out. that is actually true. i don't know why i thought i should take fashion advice from sinbad, but i did. that's where my self confidence was at the time. i've gained self confidence since then and i've come a long way. tonight tim allen picked this out and. i never could have imagined that my life would end up this way. i didn't think i'd end up having my own show,

i didn't think i'd end up being in movies, i didn't think i'd have a talk show, i didn't think that i would be a cover girl. i just thought that i would be a closeted gay comedian wearing parachute pants. i guess what i'm saying is, "aim low." thank you so much for this award. thank you so much to the hollywood foreign press. are they involved in anyway? i don't know. to everyone that i work with everyday; my executive producers, my writers, my team of people that support me and love me and give me so much joy; you are my family. i couldn't do, what i do without you. i love you all and portia, what can i say, you have the most beautiful, talented,

amazing wife. [audience laughs and applause]. i love you. the mark twain prize is an absolute honor and i would like to end by sharing my favorite mark twain quote. "don't you worry your pretty little mind." "people throw rocks at things that shine." "and life makes love look hard." that was actually taylor swift, but she does have a point. [audience laughs]. thank you so much, thank you so much everybody! [audience applause]. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ narrator: find a web exclusive performance by loudon wainwright iii. watch the show online and learn more about the mark twain prize and its past winners at pbs.org/twainprize.

corporate funding for this program was provided by. american airlines and its regional partners serve 250 cities and 50 countries with more than 3,400 daily flights throughout the world. we are proud of our support of arts programming on public television. and the kennedy center, mark twain prize for american humor. and by, capital one offers a broad spectrum of financial products and services to consumers, small businesses and commercial clients. we apply our business principles of innovation, collaboration and empowerment in our commitment to communities across the country. and are proud to support the mark twain prize. major funding for this program is provided by the corporation for public broadcasting and by the generous contributions to your pbs station from viewers like you, thank you.

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( theme music playing ) our journey through the annals of "roadshow" history are about to end. just time for one last edition as we dig out some golden nuggets from the vaults. just as well, we've left some of our most memorable moments for last. ( theme music playing ) if you ask our experts which are the most special finds

in 30 years on the "roadshow," for many it's been when they've touched objects associated with great moments in history. in this episode paul atterbury and simon bull recall some extraordinary encounters. simon bull: sometimes an item comes in that really sends shivers down your spine. ( laughs ) you get this feeling that here is history, real history. a fantastic feeling that is. one of our experts is transported back to his first job working as a porter in an auction house. come on in, knowles. we're expecting a lot of people today. - a very big sale. - right. so i want you to be on your very best attentive behavior. and what is the magic of the "roadshow"? hilary kay: one is incredibly lucky because the "antiques roadshow" acts as a magnet. and things that you really wouldn't believe existed just come out of the woodwork to the program. it's amazing. for some the love affair starts young.

collecting can be an infectious disease caught in your youth. high time, we thought, to remember some of our youngest visitors to one of britain's oldest shows. our experts have hosted a total of 14 children's specials over the years and it never gets any easier. the old phrase, "never work with children and animals" was what sort of went through my mind. i have to say that my experiences of working with children are absolutely delightful. - i like that one. - you like it too? you'd better do up your shoe down there, yes. kay: working with children, you know there is going to be that moment when you are going to be completely upstaged. you just have to lay back and enjoy it. the history of meccano goes back actually quite a lot further than 19-- - 1901. - that's right! tharp: and also, they don't take you seriously, you know? if you're wrong, they will tell you. mm...

it's a risk. the children are a definite risk. i've got a slight problem here today. i'm having great difficulty deciding who's who. - so who are you? - both: dan. doing a children's "roadshow" can be-- you can really get your comeuppance there. i remember two wonderful boys who brought in an early pocket watch. and in order to demonstrate how it worked, i actually needed to take the movement out. i'm gonna take this one a little bit to pieces-- do you know how to do it safely? yes, i hope so. "are you sure you know what you're doing?" kay: the children's "roadshow" really happened through something hugh scully and i did. we, just the two of us, appeared on a children's program and there was such an enormous response from the kids that made everybody sit up and take notice. and the decision was then to make a special children's program. ( "roadshow" theme playing )

bruce: dozens of youngsters have brought their treasures along to children's "roadshow"s since they started in 1992. and the memories have left a deep and lasting impression on some of our experts. i can almost hear the children now as i remember the bristol "roadshow." there were several children who clearly were already on the road to obsession in their collection. and some of them were absolutely charming. i think one of the most impressive young people who came to the show was the girl-- i think she was six years old and she brought in a collection of fossils. - you've got a little animal's graveyard here. - yes. can you just quickly take me through what they are? a dinosaur bone, an ammonite, a crinoid, petrified wood, some coral, a trilobite, shark teeth, archaeorhynchus. gosh, you could start a whole new planet

- with all of these. - yes. tharp: she could pin to each bone and tooth a correct polysyllabic word-- not bad for a six-year-old. and for anybody listening, "polysyllabic" means "long word." do you have any particular favorites here? this one is one of my favorites because i dug this one up by myself. and when did they live? around the cretaceous period. and at the end i said, "well, is there any fossil you particularly would like father christmas to bring you?" no, santa doesn't get fossils. but if he did, i saw this skull-- a bit of a skull of a baby mammoth and it was-- it was real lots of money. so we couldn't have it. you know, it's not every six-year-old who wants a baby mammoth for christmas. bruce: and at gateshead in 2008 christmas came early for bill harriman. this is a waterloo medal.

it really is one of the greatest battles in british history where the menace of napoleon was dealt with once and for all. and it's one of those medals every collector dreams of. so tell me how you got it. well, it is actually my great-great-great- great-grandfather's. it was passed down the family. harriman: i think it was an exciting object because it was a direct link with the owner's family. and he could say that he could hold in his hand an object which his ancestor had held. he was called william mcneil. he was born in 1795 and at the age of 15 he joined the army in leeds. and so by the age of 20, that's when he went to the battle of waterloo. harriman: i just think that that's a launch into your family's history. and he could also tell you that on the 18th of june, 1815,

exactly what his ancestor was doing, and that was banging two sticks on a drum. this is really rare because you don't often find medals that are inscribed to drummers. waterloo medals-- they cost anything between sort of £1500, 2,000. - okay. - but i want you to promise me that you will look after that for your family - because it's really important. - all right. i also think you don't own it, you just look after it for the next generation. i really wish that i owned that-- with something with my family name on it that was at that great event in europe. bruce: going back to 1992, an unsuspecting hilary was about to fight another battle. this is an enormous box. now it says meccano on the top. is it full of meccano? - yes, it's the number-six set. - yes. it was around 76 years ago, - in 1916. - 1916?! that memorable recording of the young boy with the meccano set

was sort of all my nightmares put together. i had this really young child to interview who i thought would know nothing. and of course he knew everything! so every fact i came out with, he sort of countered with a backhand slice. the history of meccano goes back actually quite a lot further than 19-- - 1901. - that's right! that's when he started producing meccano. and this tennis match went on. and it was always my ball that ended up in the net. it was-- it was completely priceless. watching the clip again, it does seem to have a quite quaint sense of comedy to it. it's almost like a bit of a pastiche of the "antiques roadshow" because i seem to come out with a lot of facts and dates and so on, which i probably wouldn't have known two days before. and almost certainly wouldn't have remembered two days afterwards.