he dentist today. so which one's mine? the red. i don't want to be red. take the blue one. the blue one is wet. i just used it. eew! you know, ray, i use the soap in there, too. not my soap. i have no toiletries. oh, would you please? all right? i already had to deal with 3 maniac kids at the dentist today. by the end of it, i needed the novocain. i couldn't believe geoffrey. yeah, well, i had a bad day, too. i had to talk to andy about his article. oh, well, that must have been awful. sitting and talking with an adult. jeez. you should have seen michael get into the chair-- it was awful, ok? you know how andy wants to be a writer, so i got to help him. ray, i'm trying to tell you something here.

ok, but, you know, i read his stuff, and then i got to think abo it, and then i got to make notes on his stupid thing. maybe it was your attitude. what attitude? "his stupid thing?" did you call h article a stupid thing? not to him. to him, i said it was very good. oh, god. very good, hmm? yeah, i know what "very good" means. what did you say about my stir fry last night? that was very good. mmm-mmm good. yeah. nice try. i'm just saying it probably meant a lot to andy to get your feedback, and maybe you could have been a little bit nicer. hey, you weren't there, ok? i was very nice. i tried to give him the key to the mint. the key to the mint? oh, you didn't say that, did you? it's an expression.

oh, and you are the keeper of the key to the mint? no, i...i... i happen to have one of the keys. listen, i was very nice. oh, is that the tone you used? there was no tone. that's tone right there. yes, with you i'm having tone right now, ok? but with andy i was very nice. i s very understanding, very patient. and then he embarrasses me by crying. you made him cry? ray! he wasn't crying crying. he was just kind of breathing hard and shuddering. everybody was looking at us. oh, i'm so sorry you had to sit next to your crying friend. listen, it's a lot harder to watch the person in pain than it is to be the person in pain. you said that to me when i was in labor.

you were screaming. i'm surprised you heard that. poor andy. why do you think he gave you his article? because i'm a sucker. because he looks up to you and respects y and whatever you say to him, he's going to listen to. yeah, he didn't listen when i told him to stop crying. listen. you know, you're very successful, and he's just starting out. you really have to try to go out of your way to be very encouraging to him, and kind. listen, you got to understand that other people have feelings, too. all right! now can i finish telling you what happened to me today?

what happened to you today? at the dentist! oh, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. go. michael gets in the chair, and the other two want to get in first, so that's when the fighting starts. dr. gibbons gets up and tries to turn on the choo-choo train. that's when geoffrey kicks him, and they all start screaming. the kids, dr. gibbons, the hygienist-- oh, no. that's right. no, no. not that. i have a dentist appointment next week. [sighs] what? i listened. hey. hey. i want to talk to you about the article. oh, yeah. listen, listen. listen, last week when i gave you the notes, i think maybe i wa't really thinking about your feelings or whatever. no. no, no. i wanted to thank you. i didn't take it very well. no, no, no. you were fine. and your article's really good. and i wanted to tell you that you should stick with it

and i'll help you however i can. well, here's the good news. you don't have to. sports illustrated bought it! what? i sent it over there, and they bought it. they're going to print it. can you believe it? ha ha ha ha! yeah! wow. so i guess... i mean, debra thought that i wasn't being encouraging, but i guess whatever i did kind of helped. yes, yes. in a way, yes. what do you mean? well, i didn't exactly take your notes. i mean, i went home, and i thought about it, and i decided i liked the way i had it, and i sent it. ha ha. ho. ha ha. wow. how about that. imagine that, huh?

thanks, anyway. your notes were very good. gotta get that bacon! yummy, crunchy, bacon bacon bacon there in that bag! who wants a beggin' strip? me! i'd get it myself, but i don't have thumbs! mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm it's beggin'! mmm, i love you. (announcer) beggin' strips...there's no time like beggin' time. she can't always move the way she wants. until now.

only stayfree ultra thin offers flex fit for movement, thermocontrol® for dryness, and free fitness classes with purchase. so keep moving. stayfree. [ gasps ] were you looking for this?

seems the drive-thru is closed tonight. instead... velveeta cheesy skillets. [ horse nays in background ] just brown the meat. stir in the noodles, seasoning, then smite them... smite them with the liquid gold until there can be no more smiting. hmmm yes... [ spoken faintly ] liquid gold.

very nice. very nice. very nice. here's your sports illustrated. very nice. wait a minute. what was that? oh. uh... i don't like it anymore.

so you're giving up reading altogether? i still have cereal boxes. unless count chocula suddenly lowers his standards. you want to tell me what's going on here? nothing. sports illustrated used to be good. now it's bad. they have no credibility. no taste. oh, ray. did sports illustrated reject you again? no. as a matter of fact, i'm proud of those rejections now because that rag is amateurville, jack. they're publishing andy's thing. oh, that's great! [mimicking her] no, it's not! but, ray, you should be happy-- oh, my gosh-- because you helped him.

oh, oh, oh. he didn't take your notes, did he? ray? how did he get into the mint without your key? he knows the janitor. you can't even enjoy his success. i'm enjoying it, ok? it's just that when that piece of crap comes out in sports illustrated, andy's going to be impossible. because he might think he's a real writer? yeah. and he might get full of himself? right. and he might think he's as good as you? no, no. you don't understand. i understand. today was all about andy, and it wasn't about you. no, no, no, no. yeah. come on, admit it. you're a little self-centered.

self-centered?! yeah. all you can see is how this news affects you. and can i tell you something? this isn't just with andy. where's thisoming from? it's coming from those of us orbiting around you. you think i'm self-centered. me. me. me! you know, i work hard. i try to make enough money to feed this family. i have to put up with friends who ask my advice and then ignore what i tell them. daddy. then i put up with traffic. then i have to come home... daddy! and explain myself to a wife who thinks i this self-centered guy... daddy! which makes me think that-- i hear her! what is it, honey? i have a thousand pennies.

did you see that daddy was talking, sweetie? and i would love to see those pennies later, ok? give me a kiss. huh? no reading. hey, hey. what are you doing there? i'm cutting an english muffin. you don't cut it. you use a fork. you don't use a fork to cut things. not to cut. to split. what? yeah. it says it right on the wrapper there. look at it. fork split. fork. with a fork. all that means is theve split with a fork at the factory.

if they split it at the factory, it would be open already, and i wouldn't have to talk to you. you want this or not? not now.ook what you've done with your knife. not only have you killed the crannies, you smushed them into the nooks. i'm going to smush you into a nook. hey. hi, dear. you want an english muffin? don't do it. it's cut! oh, stop. raymond, when they say on the box fork split, doesn't that mean they've started it for you already, like in the factory with a fork? do you have any unopened toothbrushes? of course. you need a toothbrush? yeah, i need a toothbrush. right. a blue medium. robbie. ma, robbie moved out. robert: what, ma? he still has to do laundry. robbie, go into the cabinet and take out a new, blue medium toothbrush for your brother.

robert: the blue mediums are mine. i'm taking them with me. robbie! i said get a blue medium toothbrush for your brother and bring it down right now. all right! i am not eating that. eat that damn muffin. am i catching you at a bad time here? no, dear. we're just having breakfast. here you go. that's yellow. oh! ma. i said a blue toothbrush, robbie. why does it have to be blue? 'cause that's what i want. what about what somebody else wants? do you ever think about anyone else? have you been talking to debra about me?

no. i've been talking to debra about andy. i hear he got into sports illustrated. wow. that's national. oh, yes, it is, daddy. and correct me if i'm wrong, raymond, but hasn't that been a life-long dream of yours-- to get into sports illustrated? how's it feel? listen, i'm happy for andy, ok? i'm not self-centered. [laughing] what? what? what are you laughing at? not self-centered? hey, i love you like a son, but you always were a pig for attention. a pig for attention? even as a baby, you would cry and cry and cry. waah waah waah. "look at me. i got colic." yeah, yeah. how about every time you walk in the door,

there's always a reason. i got married. i got kids. i got to have a blue medium toothbrush. you're wrong. yeah? when do you ever come over just to say hello? the hello is implied. ma, am i self-centered? of course you are, dear. ha-ha! but you have every right to be. you're very special. here we go. all aboard! you're handsome, you're charming, you're successful, you're a marvelous father and a beautiful son. and you wonder how you turned out self-centered. you're the one who's self-centered. i slave over those muffins, and you don't even have the decency to eat it because they're not sliced right. how about you? i got to eat my muinyour wa! i'll eat the muffin. no, you go upstairs and get your brother a blue toothbrush. they're not all for you. what are you saying? i'm self-centered now? you?

definitely! "i can't buy clothes where normal people buy clothes. "i need my own apartment. everyone shoots at me!" you're the one that's self-centered. [everyone arguing] thank you. hey, i understand now. i can live with yellow. the good-bye is implied. first date butterflies disappeared when conversation shifted to quoting classic '80s movies, followed by delicious entrees, like our new bacon jack grilled chicken with fresh avocado, from our $20 dinner for two menu. chili's. more life happens here.

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the strong but affordable picker upper. hey sports illustrated, huh? no. forget about sports illustrated. they rewrote my whole article. the whole thing? the whole thing. yeah, but they bought it, right? so they must have liked something. apparently they liked that it was about sports. they just didn't like the words i picked or the order i put them in. man, that sinks. who needs them, right? you did a good job, and you should keep at it and i'm here for you. thanks, ray. i should have listened to you. a lot of what those guys had problems with was exactly what you had problems with. yeah--oh, yeah? the sports illustrated guys? yeah? they had the same problems, huh? yeah. what did you do? did you mention that i gave you the notes? i might have. yeah. they know who i am, right? i mean, do they know who i am? maybe. i don't know.

what did they say when you mentioned me? i'm not sure, ray. i wakind of crying. oh, yeah, yeah. i'm sorry. you weren't crying when you mentioned me, were you? what the hell happened here? fork split. captioning made possible by talk productions captioned by captioneing your closed captioning resource

of course i miss ya, ma. what's wrong with sounding happy? why do you say it like it's a negative thing? ok, ok, i'm not that happy. all right, i'll see ya later, ma. [sadder] i mean, i'll see ya later, ma. [swing music plays]

take it, shamsky. [knock on door] just a minute.

happy new home! hi, amy. mmm, peanut butter. that's the way i getsha. beat it, shamsky. i brought you a friend. thank you. place on earth.he ht look. look at the balconywith t. sliding doors.slide open, s. whatever you want. oh, robert, look atthe . where? oh. you know, i wasstarting to think that this wasnever going to hap. what? you moving out ofyour parent's . everything finallymoving forwar. yeah, it's exciting.

you know what elsei? ice cube trays. i'm talkingabout us, yogi. the plan. oh, right. yeah. hey, um, maybe the couchshould . what do you think? i really don't likefacing t. you know, snipers. yeah. then it'd be hard. oh, we're keeping the tvin the ? no, no. that's justwher. and plugged it in... and hooked up the cable. you know what's really gonnapul? some nice curtains. curtains. yeah. what's the matter? no, nothing. curtains.

you want curtains. but don't youwant c? i want you to wantt. and aren't they goingto? after we...you know. buy the curtains?

hey. oh, crap. thanks. you might wannacinc. you got a little fruitc.

i can't go. that's ok. i'm notin th. mind if i hang outfor a? yeah. yeah. then i cantake a sh. i was gonna say. all day haven't had a chancebecg for debra's damn curtains! curtains. what is itwit? amy's got a thingwith t. tell me about it. r 3 hoursng herein my own filth waiting for curtains while debra's offat all kinds o. parties? yeah, yeah,this is my life now. i'm a hostage. i'm trapped insidethese 4... all the walls in this area! what do you meanhostage? a message.age. look at me.i'm tu

come on,what are you sa? you're not happy. i'm happy. i'm as happyas she l. i sleep when shelets me sleep. i eat whatshe lets me eat. only reason she keeps me alivei. i know you, raymond. you wouldn't trade this. i'll trade it all right nowfor . on a bad day.cansee i cu oh, it's every day. every day?i was at your. your little girl,u broue your twin boys. yeah, ok,there's some perks. that's how they hook ya. you know what i'm doingtomorrow? i'm going to see a movie. so what's wrongwith tha? debra's movie. the one with the motherwho has e who has the disease. learnsto cr

yeahyeah. ahh, who wants to seethat sniff? i wanna see the one-- the one with the guyand the guns and the nuditythat has no meani! i saw that one.it was g. sure, rub it in. in front of me?ank a supermodel all right, i'll see you. yeah, all right,if i'm allowed. just tell the worldi'm still in. hey. hey. doug. for last.saved t i can't believe it's you.i was . ahh, i get that a lot. but i brought you the thing, so how do you feel now? now i love you. hey, you're off now,right? mm-hmm. wanna goplay some golf? ohh...oh, i can't. i gotta get home. gotta go shoppingwi.

hey, auntie em. that smells good. dinner will be readyin a co. can you openthat jar for me? up in the bathtub.sten,there's r i hope he's not usingal. i need you to kill himfor me lar 'cause that's whyi keep you aro. you want some waterwith? yeah, all right.thank you. there you go.bread and . meal fit for a hostage.