i've fallen and i can't get up. - maybe i just need to look into my heart. deangelo, where is michael scott? - i'm here. - [gasps] - in a good way. i've been here the whole time. - the analytical part of me wants to examine it. [laughs] but i know it has no content. - ladies and gentlemen, please stand up for your co-host of the evening, michael gary scott. [applause] please remain standing for your other co-host and new manager, deangelo jeremetrius vickers! [cheers and applause] is that part of the-- doorbusters starter ] this friday at 3p.m. columbus day sale. to saturday 1p.m. like 50% off outerwear and select cold weather accessories for her and 60% off stafford and j. ferrar dress shirts.

jcpenney. served on a toasted pretzel roll, our new bacon avocado chicken sandwich comes with fries and your choice of soup or salad. it's just one of chili's delicious lunch break combos. more life happens here. - [groaning] - deangelo. hey. - [gasping] - deangelo, what are you doing? there's a live audience out there. - just go do it by yourself, or get ryan. - no, ryan would never do it. it's too on the radar.

look, look. the boss hosts the dundies. it's sort of our perk. - this was not part of the job description. - okay, listen to me. you're not doing this for me. you're not doing this for you. you're not even doing this for them. - what am i doing it for? - you're doing it for all those kids out there eating off the louie volpe's kids' menu, who are wondering, "does it get better?" what i want you to do is i want you to say "it's showtime." get out there. - i can't. - say it. - stop hitting me. - you can do it. just say it. - hit me again. - now hit me. one, two, three. both: it's showtime. - all right, here we go. [notes droning] - okay, okay, sorry about the delay, everybody. but we were at the dmv waiting in line. [laughter] - fall asleep right after sex, huh, guys? - nope. go back to the script.

- there are a lot of great salesmen in this office. but one of our great salesmen is also a great dad, and a close personal friend of mine. jim halpert, best dad dundie! [applause] - wow, i do not parent for the awards, but i gotta tell you, it feels pretty good. um, cece, if you're watching this at home, it's way past your bedtime. by the way, how did this get televised? thanks. [sporadic laughter and applause] - well done. - i don't know. maybe being a good dad is just following your own compass. i don't know. i don't know. thank you. - okay. [applause] - didn't think to mention me, huh? - didn't i? - which moves us to best mom dundie. this person, well, i guess we all sort of consider a mom around the office-- meredith palmer! [chatter and applause] - say whaaaat? [all gasping] - i'll tell you one thing--

i'm not gonna be a good mom tonight. whoo! - excuse me. can i get a photo of the best mom and the best dad, please? step on up. - well, i gotta go do this. - why? - big smiles, folks. there they are. - year after year, i catch aot of flak on this particular award, because year after year, i present this award to a guy instead of a girl. hottest in the office goes to danny cordray! danny could not be here tonight... - how do i feel about not winning hottest in the office this year? um, i'm very relieved. how do you--how do you judge something like that? what is his criteria even? it's-- it's so subjective. - stanley hudson is a grump. everybody knows that. but did you know that stanley hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes? [springy sound effect] the diabetes award goes to stanley hudson! come on up here, you sick bastard. we're proud of you. - i have diabetes too,

but you don't see me making a big deal about it. - "they say he's going to be my right-hand man. ad-lib masturbation joke." nope. i hate this. i hate it so much. "dwight shrute, please accept this promising assistant manager dundie." [applause] - thank you. thanks so much. um, i want to dedicate this award to something that, uh, we take for granted in our daily lives. and that is the humble trash can. this is for you, trash can! [microphone thuds] [thud, microphone feedback] - pippi longstocking. ronald mcdonald's wife. ron howard. ron weasley. what do they all have in common? redheads. erin hannon... come on up here to receive your cutest redhead in the office award! - this is bull! - [gasps] thank you! thank you! thank you! this is the first award

i've ever won in my entire life. [laughter] people were right about the dundies. they are magical. but i don't feel it, and i think that's because i'm not with the right person. gabe... - what? - we should break up. - what? - i'm not attracted to you. i just--i cringe when you talk. i have to be honest. right? right, pam? - [mouthing silently] - thank you for hearing me. - okay, well, this is embarrassing. um, i'm obviously really angry at erin. here comes that quarter-life crisis everyone's talking about. - it is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. but he is a good guy. so the michael scott award for best dundies host

goes to deangelo vickers. [cheers and applause] all: [chanting] speech, speech, speech, speech! - hold on. hold on one second. - okay. crank it. - ow. - [yelling] i want to--i want-- i feel truly blessed, uh, to be working with all of you. you know, before this all started, uh, funny story, i was in the bathroom vomiting and vomiting. the men's room. that's why it's been shut down for most of the evening. - that's it! - this is important. he's expressing himself. - no. - hosts don't get dundies. this--this is truly special for me... [microphone cuts off] normal voice: and, uh, anyway, it's so much lighter! - we're done. - that's it. [all murmuring] - michael, are we--what? - we're done. we're done. what if we took all this produce from walmart, and secretly served it up at this produce stand in the heart of apple country. it's a fresh-over. come on in, tastes some apples.

tell us what you think. come othat's really good.pples. nice and crunchy. this is the best-est. a burst of flavor. walmart works directly with growers to get you the best quality produce they've ever had. all this produce you see, comes from walmart. oh my goodness! are you serious? oh, you're kidding! i definitely would shop at walmart now. fine, fresh, crisp apples and all your quality produce backed by our 100% moneyback guarantee.

- hey, michael. we were thinking maybe we could keep this thing going. - what? - i know i'm the cause of this royal screw-up, but i would like to see the show go on. - no, don't. you're being too hard on yourself. we had a very truncated rehearsal time. - let's grab some ice cream, go back to the office, and finish what we started. - yeah. - so what you're saying is you kinda liked it. i've fallen and i can't get up! the phyllis bit, that was pretty good, right? - i don't know that we need to dissect it all right now-- - but that got a big laugh. - it did. - that actually got a pretty huge laugh. we were laughing, right? - i was. - oh, you know what, i have to go to the bathroom. - don't worry. we're really close. - you know, i can just run over to the gas station there. - we should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room? - that's true, we wouldn't get seats together. - okay, yeah, i'll hold it. i'm fine. - you know, despite a couple hiccups, i thought that went very well. - i thought it was the worst dundies i've ever been to. - man.

maybe you should have won the kind of a bitch award. - oh, gladly, i'd accept that award, because a bitch is a female dog. - okay. - what? what are you doing? - [grunts painfully] whoo. please don't stop so suddenly. seat belt's pressing on my bladder. - why are you even wearing a seat belt? you're sitting in the backseat, baby. - what is your problem? - i just don't see the point to the dundies, okay? the jokes were terrible, the venue was bad, the fashion was boring-- - okay, that-- that is unfair. the clothing was safe but tasteful. - and next time, why don't you pick a co-host that doesn't have microphone-aphobia. - look, whatever you're going to do, how long is it gonna take? ballpark? 'cause i just-- i've gotta make a decision here. he--he is in an all-out sprint. [overlapping chatter] - better than before. please, excuse me. - here, okay. by his own admission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the doobie-doobie pothead stoner of the year award

goes to andy bernard! [applause] - yes! oh. there's a lot of people i'd like to thank. but i think we all actually want to thank you, michael. - oh, thank you. - i mean, we actually really all want to thank you for everything. [soft piano music] - oh, my god, something's happening. ♪ - ♪ 9,986,000 minutes ♪ we actually sat down and did the math ♪ all: ♪ 9,986,000 minutes ♪ that's how many minutes that you've worked here ♪ - ♪ in costumes - ♪ in impressions - ♪ in meetings both: ♪ in cups of coffee - ♪ for birthdays stanley: ♪ more meetin and angela and phyllis: ♪ email forwards you made us read ♪ all: ♪ 9,986,000 minutes

♪ that's like watching die hard 80,000 times ♪ - ♪ you hit me th your car ♪ - ♪ you helped me get off drugs ♪ - ♪ i watch you when you sleep ♪ - ♪ i forgive you for kissing me ♪ all: ♪ remember to call - ♪ oh, you got to remember to call ♪ all: ♪ remember to call - ♪ love is a gift from up above ♪ all: ♪ remember to call both: ♪ text or call or email ♪ or call - ♪ measure ♪ measure your life in love ♪ all: ♪ remember to call - ♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪ all: ♪ remember to call - ♪ yeah yeah you got to remember to call ♪ all: ♪ remember to call - ♪ whoo-hoo-ooh ♪ ooh-ooh ooh ooh - yeah, okay. [inhales deeply] well, this is gonna hurt like a mother[bleep].

we'll take something tasty and healthy. ♪ ♪ if you wanna go and fly with me ♪ ♪ it's buzz the bee on your tv ♪ ♪ oh how did i get this way? ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ there's a party going on in your cereal bowl ♪ ♪ o's can help lower cholesterol ♪ ♪ oh why does it taste so great? ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ ♪ hey! must be the honey! ♪ hey! must be the honey!

♪ hey! must be the honey! - "every day, millions of americans "suffer from extreme repulsiveness. "someone in our midst is bringing that problem to light. "toby flenderson, please come up here and accept the extreme repulsiveness award"? oh, that's so mean. - no, it's fine. - it's his last dundies. - you gotta play along, man. - come on, toby. - here he comes! all right. you deserved it. - i really disagree with this. i think it's kind of hateful.

although i am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case that i was recently a juror on: the scranton strangler. a man's being put to death. i was part of the verdict, and i'm not so sure he's guilty anymore. [sample from yello's oh yeah plays]

this is a gift for your many years of service here. wow, thanks, michael. i didn't expect-- can i just say that of all the idiots in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend. [door opens] hello. (michael) hey! hi, good to see you. you too. i'm just having a little exit interview. yeah, i know. that's why i'm here. um, no, no, no. this is very boring stuff. why don't you take a tour? have you seen the baler? no, no, i'll look at it later. it's part of my job. [chuckles] okay. [clears throat] did you nd me to take notes? hi, pam. stay. okay. um...all right. well then, i will proceed. i just have somquestions that i was gonna ask.

um... who do you think you are? i'm toby. yeah. correct. um... what gives--what-- what gives you the right? um, i brought the binder. do you wanna take a little look? sure, you know what? that sounds good. i'll take a little looksie. here we go. thank you. "what would you improve about dunder mifflin?" well, let me see. i would, uh-- [quietly] i'll kill you. i guess everything's okay. toby, why don't you open your present? no, no, no, no, no, no. no, this--hey, hey, hey. this might not be what i think

that i don't even know is in there because there are a lot of presents in my car, and i don't know which is which. "suck on this." (michael) what the hell is that? (pam) michael... that's-- what do you mean "michael"? that's not even my handwriting. [loudly] hey! what the hell is going on here?! who thought it would be hysterical to give toby a rock for his going-away gift?! you did. no! you made me wrap it. [michael humming] i thought it was over the line. i just-- you know what that is? you know what that is? that is... a psyche. psyche. so, that is not my real gift to toby. so what is your gift? my gift is forthcoming, pam. what is it? i am going to give toby... your watch? yes, i am. that was it. how did you know that?

i just knew. how did you know? oh, that is so sweet. well... that's my watch. thanks. i'm gonna set it to costa rica time. hey, that's good. (creed) hey, it's the kid. lo, look, look, look. hey...it's the temp. look. (dwight) oh, my gosh. it's the temp. (pam) wow. is that the police? (dwight) yes. mm-hmm. (oscar) well, this is what happened. uh, ryan's big project was the web site, which wasn't doing so well. so ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. once as office sales, and once as web site sales. which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. another good term is fraud. the real crime, i think, was the beard. [cheerful music] ♪

oh, my god. ryan. oh, my god. (holly) what's protocol on this? well, i normally do nothing, i guess. no, you shouldn't-- [knock on door] michael, are you okay? [strained voice] i'm just worried about my friend. aww, of course you are. just--i'm fine. i'm holding it together. i have a business to run. i'm cool. no, hey, stop. you can let yourself be upset. he's your friend. you know what i usually find? (michael) holly is sweet and simple. like a lady baker. i would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. she has that kind of warmth.

i'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level. (kevin) cool! a bouncy house! kevin, take your shoes off first. [bossa nova music] ♪ no anti-gravity machine, huh? sorry, michael. i don't think they're real. the ferris wheel is pretty cool, though. wow. look at our parking lot. yeah, who'd have thought? ♪ (pam) is jim gonna propose tonight? he is, isn't he? no, he's not. is he? (holly) oh, it was a pretty good company, but i just couldn't see a future there. they kept hiring from the outside. it was easy to get in, but impossible to rise up. that's what she-- a lot of places are like that. i think it's really cool you hired kevin.

thanks. you have it? almost. okay, here we go. here we go. put it in. that--that's my car. [raccoon growls] hey. what are you doing? (michael) what is that? mose! what the hell's going on here?! n-nothing you need to know the details of. there is a raccoon in the car, dwight! no, there's not. why did you do that? it was playful hazing. no, there's no such thing as playful hazing. dwight, i want you to look at holly right now. everybody, i want you to look at holly right now. and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what i see in her. nd that is that we are all very lucky to have her here! holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since world war ii. 50 years-- she is the best.

take care of that, all right? it's not rabid. shh! thanks for bringing that up. get it out, come on, get it out, get it out. i'm really sorry. michael, thank you so much for saying that. i feel so welcome here. yeah... i just-- um...excuse me. did you see that? did you see it? did you see what-- wow-wee! uhh--well, jan didn't believe in showing affection, so sometimes i don't know how to react to when a girl touches me. oh... i like it. doorbusters startcer ] this friday at 3p.m. columbus day sale. to saturday 1p.m. like 50% off outerwear and select cold weather accessories for her and 60% off stafford and j. ferrar dress shirts. jcpenney.

served on a toasted pretzel roll, our new bacon avocado chicken sandwich ces with fries and your choice of soup or salad. it's just one of chili's delicious lunch break combos. more life happens here. hey, mrs. vance, we're all out. hey, kev, i need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbecue sauce. okay. cool. you drive your own car?

yup, this is my car. do you drive your own car? yep, just like you. okay, bye. bye. [starts car] kevin...i'm really proud of you. [music ends] all right. let's hear it for phyllis for this awesome party, huh? yay, phyllis! [applause] (michael) probably the best one that we have ever had. right? [cheers and applause] but the real reason that we are here is to say good-bye to a guy who we will probably never, ever see again. nowa lot of you know that i am an accomplished songwriter. song parody writer. i have done things like, um, beers in heaven. (jim) classic. or total eclipse of the fart. not my favorite, but-- i like that one. i love to sing them, but i am not going to be doing that today. i am going to be doing something i wrote specifically for toby. do you know, um... goodbye stranger?

supertramp. yeah. [playing goodbye stranger] ♪ it was early morning yesterday ♪ ♪ i was up before the dawn ♪ and i really have enjoyed my stay ♪ ♪ but toby must be moving on ♪ i'm gonna miss toby. he has a nice, calming presence in the office. [higher-pitched voice] ♪ goodbye, toby ♪ it's been nice ♪ hope you find your paradise ♪ don't tell him i said this, but i always thought he was kinda cute. ♪ come tomorrow, feel no pain ♪ ♪ feel no pain ♪ ♪ toby...toby ♪ to-bee-eee-ey toby's goin' away! see ya! see ya, toby, see ya! he's outta here. ohh!

♪ goodbye, toby ♪ goodbye, toby ♪ goodbye, toby ♪ goodbye, toby ♪ not bad. oh, hey. thanks. someday i would love to hear beers in heaven. oh, okay. yeah. well, actually, too soon. it's, uh-- it's very sexual. [cell phone ringing] sorry. kevin. kevin, where are you? you missed my song, buddy. (kevin) yeah, michael, i'm at gerrity's. you have to come down here. just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back. no, i-- i brought my money. michael, there's something that you need to see. what is it? just hurry. is he okay? yeah, he's at the supermarket. he needs me. yeah, well, the party, driving to the supermket-- it was a big day for him. yeah, that's true. don't move a muscle. i will be back momentarily. all right? [laughs] no, you can-- finish your drink and then i'll--okay. i'll be back.

(jan) it was good to see you. it was great to see you, jan. okay. hello, jan. hello.michael. wow, kevin, really? we're--sorry. we're in the middle of a party. is this why you called me down here? yeah, michael, i just, uh-- i think you kids ha a lot to catch up on. oh, okay. yeah. thanks, kevin. um... what if we took all this produce from walmart, and secretly served it up at this produce stand in the heart of apple country. it's a fresh-over. come on in, tastes some apples. tell us what you think. that's really good. nice and crunchy. this is the best-est. a burst of flavor. walmart works directly with growers to get you the best quality produce they've ever had. all this produce you see, comes from walmart. oh my goodness! are you serious? oh, you're kidding! i definitely would shop at walmart now. fine, fresh, crisp apples

and all your quality produce backed by our 100% moneyback guarantee. awesome cheeseburger. no, it's not. it's not awesome? no, it's not a cheeseburger. look what's on a pretzel bun now. wendy's new pretzel pub chicken. now that's better.