if you want some boring, white bread clock-watcher who's gonna get you your paper when you ordered it for the agreed-upon price, andy's not your guy. you ever play russian roulette? time to spin the chamber, boris... by signing up for another year. - why are we even thinking cake? we could do a pie. we could do a cookie pie. i just feel that cake is so norman rockwell. you know, unless we're going for a norman rockwell thing, in which case, go for it. - hey, everybody here loves jell-o. if you cut it in little cubes, you chill it just so, you got teeth or no teeth, anyone can enjoy it. - how about cupcakes? - no cupcakes. - no. - okay. - you guys are over-thinking this. let's just get a cake. - exactly. now, darryl, what if i told you you could have a cake that is delicious and also sexy as hell? - i'm listening. - no smut cakes.

- what about fruit? with yogurt, obviously. fruit by itself, gross. - oh, i know what that meeting is about. it's about cake. and they didn't ask me. of all the people to not ask about cake, they... [smacks folder on table] i know what you did. you invited everyone into the conference room to talk about cake, and i was omitted. i was omitted! - did michael not just talk to you about being a caricature? - oh, yeah, i decided not to be a caricature. - mm-hmm. - shoot. - hmm. - that is cold, sir. absolutely cold. you know what? it was a complete waste of my time. - uh, deangelo, i'm, uh... i forgot my bag, so i'm gonna... i'll meet you in the car. - okay, whatever.

- sir. i'd just like to apologize for that. i could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head or that he's crazy, but the truth is, i think he's just a terrible salesman. and i want you to know that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, i will be the one to take your call. - keep talkin'. - yes. okay. all right. no. well, thank you. thank you. all right, take care. you'll never guess. we did it. - hey! - [laughing] - ha ha! ohh! all right. all right. good job, boss. - we did it. yeah. - ohh. - i know that gabe is young and hot and everything, and he's begging me to reconsider, but i...i just think i'm in love with someone else.

- kevin? - andy. - ahh. - i wish i knew who my birth mother was so she could just tell me who to choose. - maybe neither. - i'm not attracted to kevin. - erin, listen to me. you shouldn't rush into this at all. and you know why? because you are beautiful, and you are fun, and you are smart. and when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. you will. hey. and you know what? you don't need a mom, because you have my number and you can call me anytime. - extension 147. - n... - i know. - okay. okay. for contact lens wearers. [ elizabeth ] i have to be in front of the computer for hours and my eyes feel so dry.

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♪ of craving something that i can't have ♪ ♪ turn around barbara ♪ i finally found the right snack ♪ ♪ try new fiber one cinnamon coffee cake.

- okay, everybody, come on. conference room, five seconds! here we go! hurry up! let's do this!

- yes. what is this about? - what is this meeting about? - mm-hmm. - all right. well... okay. here we are in the conference room. once again. and i just wanted to call you all here together because i have something important... well, there's two things, actually. okay, first, i would like a whereabouts on pam, and, secondly, phyllis, how are those mittens coming? because i would actually like to bring them home and pack them, and i am leaving for the day at 4:00. - they're almost done, but my knuckles are swelling a little, and i can't-- - well, power through the arthritis, phyllis. you can do it. - is that it? - um, hmm? - is that it? - um...hmm.

no. no. there's a special guest that i would like to invite to say one last good-bye, so here he comes. he's coming right in. hi, everybody! it's ping! [all groan] [thick asian accent] and i'm here to say good-bye to all you wonderful people. thank you, everybody! you've bee so wonderful. we were such a good-- i "rove" you all. i "rove" you very much. - hey, can i talk to you for a second? - sure. see you later! - so i've been meaning to tell you. i want to take you out for lunch. for your last day. - oh. - what do you think? tomorrow? lunch? you and me? - okay. - you're not leaving tomorrow. you're leaving today, right? - maybe. - wow, so that's it, huh? just 4:00, and you are gone for good.

- why am i so sad? am i doing the wrong thing? - absolutely not. it's just that sometimes good-byes are a bitch. - t-shirt idea. "good-byes stink." okay. all right. so... james halpert... you started with this company... as a fine young man. - you know what i think we should do? i think we should just save the good-byes for tomorrow. at lunch. - oh. okay. - and then tomorrow i can tell you... [clears throat] what a great boss you turned out to be. best boss i ever had.

[horn honks] - oh, shoot. that's my cab. - all right. - all right. - listen, michael, i really-- i did text pam, but... - i know. it's okay. just give her a hug, all right? - i will see you tomorrow at lunch. - i am looking forward to lunch. and hearing about what a great boss i am. - you got it. - okay. okay. [sighs] phyllis. - mm-hmm. oh, they're still not done. - oh, no, no, no. let me see. oh, phyllis. nice try. i love 'em.

- good. okay. - see ya tomorrow, boss. - later, guys. well, got almost everybody, so... holly's my family now. she's my family. and the babies that i make with her will be my children.

the people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends. they say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office, but i will. got to be a lot better than a deathbed. i actually don't understand deathbeds. i mean, who would buy that? well, i guess this is it. hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? thank you. all right. oh. this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest. [no audio]

- no, he wasn't sad. he was full of hope. about colorado. and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member. and he said he was just real excited to get home and see holly. [jet engines rumbling]

why not save on car insurance? [ coin drops ] [ high-pitched voice ] thanks. [ normal voice ] you're welcome. get a free quote at progressive.com.

get jacobs on the horn and schedule a meeting pronto. [ alarm blares ] order lunch. something fast, smith. it's jones, ma'am. yeah, look, we'll leverage the synergy on both sides. hi, jimmy john's? yeah, no, look, the boys -- jimmy john's. yep. sky's the limit on this one. make sure the silverman file is on my desk a.s.a.p. did you order lunch? yeah. it's waiting for you. better be, smith. still jones, ma'am. can't wait on this. time is money. [ bell chimes ] jimmy john's. [ male announcer ] jimmy john's. order online now! nice job, jones.

[ hans ] toaster strudel! [ angelic music plays ] don't overthink it. [ hans ] warm, flakey, gooey. toaster strudel! faster than kenny can dodge a question. honey, how'd that test go? [ female announcer ] in just 60 seconds, you've got snack defying, satisfying mmm. totino's pizza rolls. mm-hmm. hmm. [ female announcer ] zero to pizza. pronto. now in two bold new flavors!

[ female announcer ] zero to pizza. pronto. - well, if he's not gonna make it, at least we should go ahead and eat the cake. - yeah. - i, for one, love the corners. why did i just do that? this is not even that good. i don't even-- i don't even want it.

i had cake for lunch. no, you know what? i've been good. i deserve this. - oh. - oh, um... - what am i doing? come on, deangelo. - hey... - no! - uh-oh. - no!

[alarm beeps] hey, michael. yeah. contractions are coming every ten minutes. okay, just remember to keep breathing. my cervix is ripening. okay, good. jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. and michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with dwight. now, this baby will be related to michael through... delusion. michael! yeah. my water's breaking! oh, okay. okay. [groaning] what do you do? what do you do? i get a call from jan, and i meet her at the hospital. right. highways or surface roads? i take quincy ave. to gibson. no, gibson is covered in potholes. your car breaks down. adapt.

i checked the route. there are no potholes. it's about adapting to the circumstances. get in here and have the baby. andy, would you like to have my baby? yes! yeah! aah! no, okay, no. i'm crowning! all right. come on. sorry. i'm crowning! aah! (michael) here we go, here we go. here we go! do it! (dwight) the pressure! the pressure! (michael) scream, scream it out. scream it out. scream it out. [both scream] babies are one of my many areas of expertise. growing up, i performed my own circumcision. just keep pushing. hold me! i'm right here. cradle my head! i'm right here. i'm right here. i'm screaming, i'm screaming! i'm screaming! (michael) dwight, just push and breathe. (dwight) numb me up! i want anesthesia. shh. no, you can't have it. it's too late. no, i don't want natural! no, you have to just push it out. dwight) okay! keep simulating. aah! okay! do you have the sharpie? keep simulating. do you have the sharpie? yes, i do. okay. when the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you can recognize and no baby snatcher could ever copy. okay. ready? yes. pop it. [screams] pop it! here we go. oh, god. wow. what was on that? butter. newborns are slippery. nice touch. good. let's try that again.

this is going to be the happiest day of my life. [cheerful music] ♪ (michael) hello, ladies. how is my shower going? phyllis, did you get the live storks? no. damn it, phyllis! i'm sorry. damn it, phyllis. it was hard enough to convince jan to come. so are we set for refreshments? per your instructions, we have the personalized m&ms with the baby names. this is your boy bowl. with the name chevy. that was me. and this is the girl bowl with m&ms with the name "astird."

that can't be right. michael wrote down "astird." she said it is the name of a viking princess, so... astird? i know. i know. it is beautiful. no. thank you. is this it? i mean, is this two bowls of m&ms and some balloons? you know what, phyllis? i think you need to step it up. i think you need to get the lead out. because, if i'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. we all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. well, you know what, where's my golden shower? phyllis? it does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. i am going to love it. it's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. have you seen that video? it is-- it's so bizarre and unnatural. but it--it happens. okay, i'm collecting for the baby shower.

but phyllis, it's not his baby. i know, kevin. why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby? well, look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby, sheet cake. i do enjoy being the head of the party planning committee. i'm no longer under angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine. hey, hey, what are you doing? don't talk to them. i'm sorry. make the party. don't--make the party, please. phyllis. pump it! (pam on phone) so you know stacy, right? right, the one from england. (pam) there's no one from england, jim. katie studied in ireland. this is stacy, the one who does the murakami-style collages. right. that style. (pam) so stacy and eric get to foner's g-tech half an hour early, so they don't have to sit on the slab. okay. (pam) anyway, foner's t.a., sarikaya, comes in. wait, who's sarikaya komzin? (pam) no, sarikaya comes in. don't interrupt.

i have, like, 30 seconds to finish this and get to digicrit. okay, okay. (pam) so sarikaya says to eric, "no way, you can't reserve seats." and then stacy gets all up in her face, and sarikaya picks up stacy's mi-tiente pad and throws it at the light box. no way. (pam) yes! [change jingles] that's hilarious. (pam) no, it was horrible. jim, she might get arrested. who, stacy? no, stacy is a boy. ugh, so frustrating. why can't you just be in art class with me? uhh. (pam) oh, wait, i gotta go. class starting. okay, i will ta-- [hangs up] i'll talk to you later. that was a good story. (andy) ew. got the 'nard puppy for you. what's going on here? it's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose. (andy) oh. check it out. who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby? that's phyllis.

it--well-- yeah, it is. so i hope you two are very happy together. pervert. wait, why does that make a pervert? i-i-- well, it does. that's me. (andy) that's not you. yes, it is. that's mean. come on. that's-- [angela scoffs] ahoy, matey. ahoy. [laughs] ahoy. so how you doing? good. um. listen, jan levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy. a child of which i have a vested interest. so, kinda weird. anyway, she is... incredibly fat and enormous right now. extremely unattractive. and you are, on e other hand,

one of the more attractive people in the office. so... while she is here, i am going to be acting kind of cold to you, um, and i am doing this to pay respect to her bloated... feelings. and i'm treating ryan the same way. of course. yeah. (stanley) i do not like pregnant women in my workspace. they're always complaining. [jingles] i have varicose veins too. i have swollen ankles. i'm constantly hungry. you think my nipples don't get sore too? do you think i don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital? jan. hi, jim. who do we have here? uh, this is my baby. really. oh, no.

jan had the baby,nd michael wasn't there to mark it. so the baby could be anybody's. except michael's. ♪ i'm watching you. ♪ you're knocking me out tonight. ♪ ♪ tonight. ♪ oooooooo. ♪

♪ i'm watcng you. ♪ you're knocking me out tonight. ♪ ♪ tonight. ♪ oooooooo. ♪ so this is astird. astrid. oh, oh, okay. why didn't you call me? well, um, you know, labor just kinda started very suddenly, and it was-- the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so-- him? you're gonna listen to that guy? he had no sense of humor, and i proved him wrong in so many ways. ou know what, michael? you don't have any idea what i've been through. o, i don't. so i just-- i'm sorry, i thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet. can i hold her? yes, yes, you can. you know, i think just leave her in the car seat. just--yeah. okay. [grunts] all right.

[sighs] okay. i love babies. i think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. i try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. it feeds my soul. babies are drawn to me. and i think it's because they see me as one of them. but cooler. and with my life put together a little bit. if a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. there would be no government. and... things could get terrible, and actually, probably, it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion. ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office, as-- trid. --trid levinson!

hi. astrid, this is everybody. look. this is your family. you're gonna know them for the rest of your life. well-- well. he may not be here. say hello. okay, here we go. lion king. michael, michael, michael. michael, michael, that's-- yeah, yeah, that's too high. okay. i'll take that. okay, come on. let's get our shower on. conference room. choppity-chip-chop. are you okay? you seem kinda-- i'm fine, weirdo. such an h.r. weirdo. try not to suck all the air out of there when you walk in. ready to play some games? let's do it. michael, the baby's already been born. yeah, duh. so we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of 'em. no, the baby doesn't ruin anything, kevin, okay? the baby multiplies the fun. let's just do what you were going to do. okay, who wants to guess when the baby will be born?

(michael) all right! how about some presents? i wanna see some presents. i got this, so i can write down for thank-you notes. thank you. that's very sweet. thank you. um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller. oh! she already has a stroller. (jan) thank you. (kelly) and this is way worse than the stroller she came with. she's got an orbit. that's a $1,200 stroller. [scoffs] $1,200 for a stroller? pffft! (michael) okay, what else? $1,200 is what i spent on my whole bomb shelter. for that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. ♪ being good isn't always easy ♪ ♪ no matter how hard i try ♪ ♪ when he started sweet-talking to me ♪ ♪ he'd come and tell me everything is all right ♪ ♪ he'd kiss and tell me everything is all right ♪ ♪ and can i get away again tonight? ♪

♪ the only one hey, you. (jim on phone) hey, you busy? not even, i'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month. okay, okay, you gotta hear ts. [dryer beeps] so jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing-- i can't hear anything. there's like-- [jim continues talking, indistinctly] there's, like, machines going. (jim) the song is about losing your virginity next to a church. [machines rumble and beep] i can't hear anything. (jim) oh. okay, well, you know what, i, uh, just call me later. okay. i'm not frustrated. even if i were in scranton, jim and i would have days like this. we're just a little out of sync. you know, that's all. oh, great, i-i washed my lipstick. (jan) ♪ how well i remember ♪ the look that was in his eyes ♪ ♪ stealing kisses from me on the sly ♪ ♪ taking time to make time ♪ ♪ telling me that he's all mine ♪

♪ learnin' from each other's knowin' ♪ ♪ lookin' to see how much we've grown ♪ ♪ and the only-- don't hit the fence. oh, no, my child! don't get stuck on the barbed wire! [grunts] playtime is over! (andy) so, jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth. well, actually, i had a tub birth. and that was really, really quite amazing. you gave birth in a tub? yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know. kinda like a big womb. um, so you're in the tub with everything? oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah. must be like the tide at omaha beach. oh, no, it's actually really hygienic, creed. after the birth-- i'm done. me too. (michael) hey, hey, no, no, no. no, no, no. no, no. this is the birth story. it was beautiful. it was beautiful. this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. [voice breaking] and i should have been there. i should have been there to witness this. i could have helped-- i know you're sad about this.