of the accounting department, but he only ever talks to kevin. what about pam and kelly? also department heads, but has he ever met with you or even asked you to do anything? - huh, how could i not see it? you're so right. - why don't you talk to him about it? - and say what? hey, deangelo, are you shy or just a sexist? - why don't you just tell him how his actions are being perceived by the women in this office. - mm-hmm. and if he doesn't listen, then he can kiss his penis good-bye. snip snip. am i right, girls? can i help you? ahem. excuse me. hi. uh, i wanted to find out about the unlimited for life guarantee. sure. sprint is guaranteeing unlimited talk, text and data for life. cool. cool, cool, cool. and, uh, what if, say, technically, you were not alive. like maybe you were undead? like a zombie. whoa. let's not go puttin' labels on people. i'm a zombie. [ male announcer ] unlimited for life. it's guaranteed.

only from sprint. trouble hearing on the phone? visit sprintcaptel.com [ male announcer ] unlimited for life. it's guaranteed. have hail damage to both their cars. ted ted is trying to get a hold of his insurance agent. maxwell is not. he's on geico.com setting up an appointment with an adjuster. ted is now on hold with his insurance company. maxwell is not and just confirmed a 5:30 time for tuesday. ted, is still waiting. yes! maxwell is out and about... with ted's now ex-girlfriend. wheeeee! whoo! later ted! online claims appointments. just a click away on geico.com. - hey, you got a second? - yeah, i got tons of time. this job's a joke. so what's up? - um, really, it's nothing. i was just talking to angela. - mm-hmm. - and she was-- - hey. saw jim come in. are we meeting? - yeah, se, let's make it a meeting. - if it's all right, can i just have, like, one minute alone, just to go over-- - what's the big secret? why are you even whispering? come on, it's the guys. - i know, just the guys.

well, maybe that's part of the problem, i think. so what happened was, i was talking to some of the department heads. - right. - uh, some of the female department heads. - uh-oh. - yeah. - right? - hot. - maybe there's a vibe out there with certain members of the office that you are a little sexist, or-- - damn! - whoa. - whoa, wait. - are you serious? who feels this way? - oh, like, nobody, it was-- - uh, pam? was it pam? - oh, my gosh. that sounds like pam. - yeah. - you know how she gets. deangelo, she can get really bitchy. [imitating pam] kevin, wah-wah. - guys. - hold on. doesn't matter who, okay? i'm just happy that jim brought it to my attention. because honestly, i had no idea. - that's awesome. - thank you. - mom, ryan's taking us out to dinner tonight. no, no, he's not gonna stand us up like he did last time. he won't ever stand us up again. - so i am the new customer service supervisor. - when deangelo's around.

- and i'm also a very dutiful boyfriend when-- - all the time. - all the time. - erin, do you mind running down to the lobby and bringing up my brand-new executive assistant? - absolutely. - hey, who'd you end up hiring? - i'm glad you asked, jim. because apparently there's a rumor running around here that i'm a sexist. - mm-hmm. - i can't work here effectively if you guys think i'm something that i'm not. i'm not a sexist. raise your hand if you have a vagina. raise r hand if someone you love has a vagina. yeah, yeah, okay. just about everyone. what about deangelo's hand? oh, wow. he's got 'em both up. yeah. uh-huh, yeah. so it bothers me when i hear that there's gossip

round here that i treat women lesser than men. okay? frankly, we all look a little ridiculous when that happens. - i'm not a feminist, but i think that the men in this office are being given chances that the women aren't. - dwight. what's your take? - what's the argument here? nba, wnba. one is a sport, one is a joke. i love sports, i love jokes. room for all. - man, you're smart. - oh, hey, hi. hello. - hi. - welcome. uh, everyone, i'd like you to please welcome jordan garfield. this is everyone. - hello. - so jordan, uh, where did you work before? uh, a law office? - no, anthropologie. "we don't have this in that size." pretty--pretty lame. - hm. - is this your first office job then? - yeah. - yup. - wow. - no corporate experience whatsoever. i didn't want anyone with any bad habits. kevin: nice!

- jim, you coming? - oh, yeah, did he text us? - yeah. [cell phone buzzes] - no! - jim, what are you doing? get in there. this is not the time to take a stand. at least he likes one of us. - he didn't text me. [cell phone beeping] - yes! i'm in. - andy, what are you doing? - uh, i'm going in to the belly of the beast. i'm gonna infiltrate and change from within. what's up, man cave! [barking] - just go in. - hm? - just go in, he probably just forgot to text you. - internally for office use. where do we get our paper from? do we go and-- do we have that system? - don't worry, the first day's always the hardest. - yeah. - hey, jim. - yeah. - can i help you? - nope, just...

okay. [clea throat] so, he kicked you out of the inner circle, huh? - no, there is no inner [voice breaks] circle. ♪ ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪

♪ i'm watching you. ♪ you're knocking me out tonight. ♪ ♪ tonight. ♪ oooooooo. ♪ - dwight? deangelo wanted me to ask you f there's anything i could help you with. - really? anything? - do you need anything? - deangelo? tell your whore to leave me alone!

- okay, i do not wanna waste your time, so i will keep this brrrrrrrrief! now, word on the street is mercy hospital. back on the market. deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week. deangelo has also recently learned about t barnacle project, which is a non-profit organization based in mystic, connecticut, that assists in the scraping of barnacles-- - so this is my life. until i win the lottery. or pam finally writes that series of young adult books. - so one afternoon while walking home from school, quirky tenth grader becky walters finds a wounded pegasus in the woods. and she becomes "the horse flyer." - hey, kelly, that's the last time i'm gonna talk to you about your paycheck, okay? we pay you a fair salary here and if you're only here for the money, maybe you shouldn't be here at all. - no one likes a money-grubber. - i'm sorry, mr. howard. i apologize for grubbing for money--

i can't do this, i can't do this. i--i'm sorry, i just can't do it. deangelo, ryan is not my boss, okay? frankly, he hasn't had a real job here in years. - oh-ho-ho. - whoa. - oh, that's hilarious, kelly. - no, he's just a big fraud, deangelo. he's like rango. he doesn't work here, basically, just like the way rango didn't save those animals. it was just a big misunderstanding. - is this true, ryan? - i did not see rango. - okay, i don't have time for this "he said, she said." - he's not saying anything! - it's too murky. i like ryan. you seem kind of hysterical to me. ryan's your supervisor. let's just leave it that way. but it's not fair, i've been working here for such a long ti-- - [sighs] close call. okay, why don't you just finish this stuff up and leave it on my desk, and i will see you at your place around 2:00 a.m., okay? [cheers and yells] - oh-ho-ho, yeah! - oh, angry, angry dunk.

- hey. it sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun, but it's really loud and some of us are trying to work, so... - okay. - do you think you could do it a little more quietly? - well, that's gonna be tough because we're getting a dunking clinic from magic jordan himself. - [chuckles] oh, you mean, uh, michael jordan? - [laughs] total brain-burp. - i'm no mj. please. i can do his dunk, from the free-throw line though. - whoa. - [swishing] ooh! - damn! mad respect from a brother! the man is paying me to take chinese. i will say what i need to say. and soon, i will say it in chinese. - okay, well, it's just really loud. - okay. we'll keep that in mind. all right, ladies. [claps] back to the game. - do it! - and jim. come on in. - [whispering] you're back in. - you know what? instead of a game, why don't we do an exhibition? love to see that dunk of yours. - yeah, we'll set that up one day. - today. now, maybe.

'cause we have a hoop downstairs. and a real ball, so you don't have to mime it. - yeah, i don't know. - why not? - only because no one has called nasa to request a lift-off. - whoa! - let's go downsirs, okay? - let's definitely do that. - let's do it. - pass. if i wanted to see a pissing contest i'd lock mose in the chicken coop. - damn it, dwight, enough! get your ass downstairs, or find a new place to sell paper! - okay, a little about me. [exhales] i respond to strong leadership. - all right,here you go. - seems a little close. you're sure that's the real foul line? - 15 feet from the baseline. so you need me to move it in? - nah, that's 15. yeah. - okay. - and, uh, you know what, to make it interesting, jordan, why don't you sit underneath the basket? - seriously? - yeah, come on. i'll dunk over you, best seat in the house. - i don't--i don't think i can do that. i'm holding your jewelry. - right, yeah.

okay, fair enough. kevin, you do it. - yes, okay. - why don't you? - here? - someone wanna sit in kevin's lap? - angela? - no. - oscar? - no, thank you. - okay, jimmy, this is for you, to show you that anything is possible. - fantastic. - all right? - yup. - this is also for the troops. [grunting] - whoa! - whoo! - doctor is in! aaaaaaaah! - whoa! [loud crash] [ambulance siren] - now what?

"and what do you do?" "oh, i sell insurance like no one else." "oh, that's nice." "thank you." now, that's progressive. call or click today. when ouwe got a subaru.s born, it's where she said her first word. (little girl) no! saw her first day of school. (little girl) bye bye! made a best friend forever. the back seat of my subaru is where she grew up. what? (announcer) the two-thousand-fourteen subaru forester. (girl) what? (announcer) built to be there for your family. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.

mom swaps one of my snacks for a yoplait. i don't mind, i mean it's orange crème. and when mom said bobby was too edgy... 'sup girl. i just swapped him out for tyler.

'sup girl. mom never questioned bobby again. two can play at ts game. [ female announcer ] swap one snack a week for a yoplait. and everybody wins. yoplait. it is so good.

- deangelo? - tablab. - oh, my god, are you all right? [indistinct chatter] - erin, would you call 911 please? - who should i say is calling? - erin. - [slurred speech] walked into a bar.... [slurred speech] says to the bartender... [slurred speech] [slurred speech] - yes. - dra sweb. - dra sweb, yeah, i get it. - [sneezes] - okay, we're gonna work on dra sweb.

pam, linehree. okay, thanks. new york, as it turns out, is very expensive. and i ran out of money.

i thought about selling a kidney, but michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate. hey. (michael on phone) ♪ pamela-a-a of course, now michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week. hey, michael. (michael on phone) ♪ pam-o-la-a-a miss, you, kiddo. miss you...so much. [cheerful music] ♪ hey. hello. that was really fun last night. yeah, it was nice. i'm actually thinking about getting

my own set of put-put golf clubs. oh, that would be great. you need that. yeah? yeah. oh, really? yeah, it would help. well, i, uh... i let her win. no, he didn't. so... when, um, can i see you again? um, tonight. i'm free tonight. is that too eager? no. i don't care. i'm free tonight. okay. oh, wait. oh, tonight's no good. because i am busy taking you out. [gasps] oh, i just remembered. i can't tonight. why? i'm going out with you. wow. [both laughing] oh, wait a second. oh, i can't tonight. tonight's-- no more. no more. all right. too many times. it's all good. um, all right, so good. so have a nice day. thank you. you too. you're welcome. in my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. does holly feel that way?

i don't know. i will probably find out tonight. if she starts having sex with me, i'll know for sure. that's for you. and, uh, oh. i am right in auming that dwight is short for d-money. 'cause that's what i wrote on your save-the-date. [whispering] you set a date? (andy) j-money. or should it be t-money, for tuna? receptionist-money. k-money. [sigh] what are you making? a knife. you're making a knife with a knife? you got a better way? you wanna talk about it? about what? you know i know. you know they know. i know none of that. and if i did, you'd be the last to know.

oh, the mall could be fun. yeah. we could go to the food court, get different foods. you could get chicken teriyaki. i could get a hot dog. some of what we order depends on whether we're having sex after. [laughs] oh, my! wow, elephant in the room. are we, do you think? do you think we're gonna have sex tonight? hell, yeah. okay, so we do the restaurant thing, and then--then-- then we can do-- we'll just do the restaurant thing first. yeah, that's good. probably get soup or something light. hi. i just don't get it. what don't you get? why is she marrying andy? angela's not really a risk taker. and andy's not really a risk.

that's really fattening. no, it's lettuce. it's time to go? no. oh. no. reservations are at 8:00, so we've got, like, an hour 45 minutes. [sighs] [goofy voice] i'm a crazy 8. i'm crazy. [goofy voice] you're crazy. go crazy. oh, i forgot my keys. do you need 'em? yeah, let's go grab them. all right. oh, after vous. thank vous. [chuckling] what?

oh! [kissing] (holly) i didn't forget my keys. i just didn't want to make out with you in front of the cameras. [kissing] do you think they can hear us? (michael) not if we turn these dials [getting louder] all the way down. [whispeng] now they can't hear us at all. (holly) oh, good. (michael) we're totally alone. [holly giggling] can i help you? ahem. excuse me. hi. uh, i wanted to find out about the unlimited for life guarantee. sure. sprint is guaranteeing unlimited talk, text and data for life. cool. cool, cool, cool. and, uh, what if, say, technically, you were not alive. like maybe you were undead? like a zombie. whoa. let's not go puttin' labels on people. i'm a zombie. [ male announcer ] unlimited for life. it's guaranteed. only from sprint. trouble hearing on the phone? visit sprintcaptel.com [ male announcer ] unlimited for life. it's guaranteed. have hail damage to both their cars. ted ted is trying to get a hold of his insurance agent. maxwell is not. he's on geico.com setting up an appointment with an adjuster.

ted is now on hold with his inrance company. maxwell is not and just confirmed a 5:30 time for tuesday. ted, is still waiting. yes! maxwell is out and about... with ted's now ex-girlfriend. wheeeee! whoo! later ted! online claims appointments. just a click away on geico.com. [chattering on police radio] (angela) yes, that's correct. i need to cancel checks from 10,001 to 90,000. [drawer slams shut] great, they stole my laptop. yeah, well, they stole my surge protector. how does that even compare? oscar, i'm now going to be prone to surges. oh, my god. what happened? we were robbed last night. bravo, watson. looks like a classic seven-man job. okay, security tapes were stolen. motives--financial, or possibly vintage hp computer collectors. hank down at security had clocked out. and that is all we have. can i talk to you for a second? yeah. oh--oh!

that wasn't us, right? you remembered to lock the doors? no, did you? michael, i think this is our fault. oh, no. my god. oh, my god! so much for sex without consequences. (pam on phone) you are such a dork! shots! so apparently pam went out last night and accidentally called my work phone at 3:00 in the morning. so... (pam on phone) i'm not drunk. i'm on minute six of this message. (pam on phone) okay, i do not sound like that. (man on phone) you can take the girl out of philly... (pam on phone) scranton. the future mother of my children. i never felt safe here. you're always safe with me. i'm a very good screamer. and one day, we're gonna move to disney's celebration village in florida and leave all of this behind. i would very much like that. yeah? yeah. [cockney accent] ♪ consider yourself ♪ at home [dwight groans]

ugh. get in. where are we going? i know she loves me, phyllis. i am sure of it. she practically told me so. then you need to give her an ultimatum. tell her she needs to make a choice. you or andy. if she picks you, great. if not, you can move on. are you sure that's gonna work? it did when bob said i had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much. wait--this isn't our floor. dwight. how's everyone doing? my door is always open if anyone wants to talk. i don't want to talk. i want my laptop back. conference room, 15 minutes. 1/2 hour. all right? to recoup their losses, i am planning a little charity auction. where people from all over scranton can come and bid on our goods and services. i'm calling it crime-aid. it's like farm aid. but instead of farms fighting against aids,

it is us fighting against our own poverty i think it's a fun idea. thank you. we could auction off things that we do for each other, like cleaning or tennis lessons. my sorority did it all the time. okay, i'm gonna have to stop you right there. was this a sorority that you didn't get into a real sorority so you had to kind of form your own? move on, michael. okay. okay, well, come on! let's have an auction. let's do this. we'll auction off people, like in the olden days. so in order to recoup the vue of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want. who would ever come to this? (michael) i don't know. it could be any number of people. it could be a pedestrian. it could be a old person. it could be a lookie-loo. or it could be a bruce springsteen fan-- what? who said that? i did. why did i say that? oh, i think you know why i said that. i think it is very apparent. i think it goes without saying. bear with me. there's a point there.

but what is the point? i don't understand what he's saying. it seems a little shady. it seems a little foggy. well, it's not a little foggy. there's really something going on here-- do you need us for any of this? do i? (holly) michael scored the big ticket item. springsteen tickets. the boss scored the boss. yeah, i think that's pretty boss. he knows how to get things. he got me. whoa! ohh... [giggles] sorry. went twice. right? mm-hmm. mm-hmm. mm-hmm. listen to me close, 'cause i'm only gonna say this once. you either break off your engagement with that singing buffoon, apologize, and then date me. or you can say good-bye to this. i think you have me confused with another person. i said i was only gonna say it once. you have until 6:14 p.m. 6:14. i heard you.

pump it up! yeah! [huey lewis' heart of rock and roll] yeah! yeah! pump up the volume. thank you very much, everybody. thank you, mr. springsteen. [music stops] and welcome to c.r.i.m.e.-a.i.d. [clears throat] crime reduces innocence. makes everyone angry, i declare. it is not known how many office robberies occur every second because there is no wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics. however, tonight, its victims are standing together and standing strong in the form of song... [cheers and applause] cooking lessons... and hugs. really, phyllis? you're auctioning a hug? okay, so with no further ado, lights, camera, auction! take it away, bruce!

[huey lewis' heart of rock and roll] (darryl) mike gave me a list of his top ten springsteen songs. three of them were huey lewis and the news. one was tracy chapman, fast car. and my personal favorite, short people. ♪ l.a., hollywood ♪ and the sunset-- okay, this is the moment that you have all been waiting for. our first item up for bids tonight is something i consider to be very boss indeed. [cheers and applause] it is a yoga lesson from holly flax! yoga! and i would like to start the bidding off at $300. $300, do i hear $300? $300. hey, batter, batter. hey, batter. swing, batter, $300, $300, $300. anybody, $300. $400. [speaking gibberish] do i see somebody in the back? is there somebody in the back? do i see somebody in the back? 400--$450. [speaking gibberish] sold for $300 to me! [gavel squeaks]

what the hell is that? it's the only gavel i could find. it squeaks when you bang it. that's what she said. let's hear it for me! right? [applause] a bargain at any price. (darryl) hey, mike, do my thing. oh, yes, great. very good. um, so, darryl and the boys in the hood in the warehouse have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. you know what? i'm actually going to bid on this. i'm gonna start the bidding, because this is something that i've dreamt of. mike, you can't do that. it's conflict of interest. $5. sold to jim! okay, sold! [gavel squeaks] have fun, you guys. well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. it just says creed. yeah, that's all-inclusive. she thought i was mcnabb.