yeah, i liked that. me and you should do that again sometime. that is weird. it was. it's like he was trying to be... a father or something. i don't know. last couple of days, he's been all... pleasant. pleasant. was he feverish? remember that construction worker in ripley's believe it or not, the--the guy who got the metal rod stuck in his brain? you know, he lived, but his personality changed. let me guess. he was suddenly more irritable. yes. yes, but with my father, it's the exact opposite. all of a sudden, he's nice. it's...weird. at first, it seemed fake, you know, but then... i don't know, we were talking, and he was listening. yeah. it was... nice. i don't know. kind of liked it.

you know what i think it might be? your father's getting older, and this is how he's trying to connect. i mean, frank's not the kind of guy that would change if you told him to, but maybe he's come around to it by himself. or there's a rod in there somewhere. ma, i do my own shopping now. i don't need all this. i saw your refrigerator in that apartment. all right, now, this is beef stroganoff, and you eat it with the noodles. ooh, and i got your favorite, steak and macaroni and ham and cheese alfredo. all right, ma. well, i appreciate it. you know, with my schedule, it's hard to eat healthy. oh, baby. no. n-no, no, robbie. no. that's not for you. chicken is for raymond. of course. raymond gets the chicken.

hey. marie: hey. is dad around? no. you just missed him. he's on his way to the barber shop. barber? why doesn't he just go down to the bowling alley and stick his head in the ball buffer? come on, man. that's a little rough. what? listen, listen, has--has dad been acting different lately? you know, now that you mention it, he has been in a very good mood. yeah? yeah. and i notice he hasn't been quite so cheap. like today, he's not only getting a haircut, he's also getting a shave. ah, i think if you're charging dad for a haircut, you throw in the shave. i don't know, lately dad's been acting different to me, you know, like... nicer. yeah? typical.

so--so he hasn't been acting nicer to you? surprising, isn't it, ray? huh? robbie... chicken doesn't go there. come on, give me that. come on. and it's not for you. it's for raymond. i'm good. [doorbell rings] ooh. raymond, would you get that for me, please, hon? yeah. give me that. raymond said i could have it. you'd rather throw it in the garbage than give it to me? it's the only way you'll learn.

hey. hey. hey, stan. hey, garvin. hey, ray's here! ha ha! [mimicking] ha ha ha! hi, ray. we got the money we owe your old man. frank! he's not here. he's not here. he went to the barber shop to get a haircut and a shave. well, how do you like that? diamond jim brady's getting a shave, too. i guess we're paying for that shave. hey, ain't tonight your poker night? why don't you just give it to him then? i'm not gambling with him anymore. me, neither. i never seen a guy on such a hot streak. it's not natural. it's supernatural. you know why? 'cause he's a witch, that's what he is, a witch. not a witch, a warlock. nobody says warlock anymore. they're all witches. ok, guys. you're telling me he's a male witch? you don't say male witch. it's like male nurse. nowadays, they're all just nurses. i'll see that he gets that. then i say he's a witch doctor. i swear, ray, he put some kind of voodoo curse on joe taggart last week. yeah, he kept saying he had this feeling that joe taggart was off his game.

wait a minute. i thought you were talking about poker. no. no, we've been betting sports. yeah, yesterday your father takes seattle over the yanks, and would you believe, griffey breaks out of his slump and knocks in a couple of homers. how could he know about griffey? come on, garvin, let's catch up to him at the barber shop. uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. you know what? i'll see that he gets that. that's all right. we'll do it. no, if you don't mind, i'd really like to give it to him. fine with me! he's not a gracious winner, your father. you know what he is? he's a witch who made a pact with the devil. he didn't make a pact with the devil. he is the devil. satan! beelzebub! this house should have 666! hey, nice to see you, ray. say hi to your mom. honey, don't use your sleeve.

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with everything. no. no no no no no. mommy's here. but instead she gives him capri sun. with absolutely no artificial preservatives.

but instead she gives him capri sun. ah, i feel like i'm back in the womb. 15 years you been coming to me, frank. how come you finally sprung for a shave? times are good, sal. times are good. hey, dad. hey, ray. sal, this is my son ray. a son? 15 years, you never told me you had a son. i got 2. this one's a sportswriter, a great sportswriter. ah, come on, dad. ah, don't be modest. he's one of the best. you ever hear of ray barone? ray barone? you're ray barone's father? 15 years, you never told me your last name. i didn't want to bother you. hey, stan and garvin came by, and they, uh, wanted me to give you this. ah. thank you. yeah. what'd you, win at poker or something? uh, something like that. hey, ray, how about a shave?

ah, uh, i don't think so. hey, i know this is not the kind of highfalutin "salon" you usually go to. the hair barn? come on. we'll talk. oh, you-- you wanna talk. all right, great, yeah, let's talk, yeah. yeah, my treat. your treat. ha. in that case, give me a perm. a shave for my boy, sal. dominic. customer. ah, sit down here, ray. yeah, yeah. see? see, this is nice-- father and son getting a shave together. ah... my son won't even talk to me. i don't know, maybe it's that metal bolt he's got stuck through his tongue. i mean... that's too bad. a father should be able to talk to his son. right, son? right. right, dad. we've been having some real good conversations lately, haven't we?

we sure have. yeah. yeah, they've been enriching. have they been enriching for you, dad? aah! oh, my god! that's hot! hot towel. what, you got that, uh, sensitive skin? yeah. it's sensitive to fire. [whirring] so, uh, what are you working on there today, ray? hockey. hockey. the avalanche. they're in town to play the rangers. oh, yeah? the rangers don't have a chance. uh, i wouldn't be so sure about that. oh, yeah? why? well, nobody know-- pfft! you moved. what, ray? nobody knows what?

[sneezes] nobody knows about, uh... patrick roy. the avalanche goalie? yeah, he's out. knee problems. i think the rangers got a pretty good shot. yeah, no kidding? uh, thanks, sal. thanks. ahh, feel like a baby's butt. w-what's your hurry, dad? i gotta see a guy about a thing. i thought we were gonna talk. here you go, buddy, and here... this is for my favorite son. [honks] [chuckles] [door closes] father and son, it's a sacred thing. what you two got is beautiful. now, don't move your head. this is very sharp, honey. so your father's just been using you? yep. i'm just a tip sheet to him.

yeah, heh heh. what are you laughing at? ha. i thought dad liked you more. welcome home. all right, come on, ally, bedtime. daddy, will you tell me a story? yeah. yeah, here. jump on. ohh! once upon a time, there was a little boy who had a very mean father. robert, i'm glad you're here. i think i figured out why your father's been acting so differently. it all adds up. i mean, the pleasantness and e spendi and the haircut. he's fooling around. fooling around? come on. i'll tell you something, if that weasel thinks he can stay with me and keep some chippy on the side, boy-- where's ray? who is it, frank, harriet lichtman?! ray! oh, sure, sure, you're just her bridge partner, huh? you know, that's a wig she wears.

ray! hey, keep it down. the kids are in bed. ray! what? ally: mommy! [sighs] you're killing me, frank. hey, dad. what, did you come by to have another chat? don't you think you can come crawling back, frank, 'cause lips that touch harriet lichtman will never touch mine. quiet, marie. i go to the lodge tonight, i turn on the ranger- avalanche game, it's in overtime. guess who's playing goalie for the avalanche! why, i believe that's patrick roy. does anybody care about me? ma, dad's not cheating on you. he's cheating on ray. what? you told me he wasn't gonna play tonight! must have got it wrong. whoops. i got a lot of money on this game. money? dad... you wouldn't be betting

with information i gave you, would you? you set me up. yes, sir. i'm family. you never go against the family. what family? you used me. coming around here being all warm and cuddly, compliments out the wazoo. you just wanted inside information so you could bet guys at the lodge. so you're not having an affair with harriet lichtman? was there an offer? see, ma... i told you it was nothing. oh. you would think i'd be happier. come on, robbie. hey, dad if you want, you can use me for stuff, 'cause i wouldn't mind the occasional compliment, even if it is from your wazoo. oh, a power play, dad. your rangers are in trouble.

you're going down. damn you! come on, you mammy hancher! center it! center it! hit him off the puck! there it is! go! announcer: shoots, scores! yes! yes! yeees! you see this? this is proof of god here. you go against your father, thou art smited. i tell you what i'm gonna do. i-i'll... i'll split the money with you. come on, you're not gonna say no to 15 grand. 15 grand? ok, 80 bucks. don't talk to me anymore.

what do you get so mad about? you know, we had fun, didn't we? we were hanging out, palling around, having conversations. yeah, you know what, dad? i did have fun. i thought you were talking to me like a real father. there you go. good. good, good. go. hey, you think i like having to do the hokey-pokey around you just to get some information? i mean, if--if you weren't such a boy scout, i could just come right out and say, "ray, who do you like in the game tonight?" and then we'd bet together, and we'd win together. and then we'd go to one of those restaurants where the girls have the tight tops and bring you the big burgers. that's the real father-and-son stuff. that's real nice, dad, but you know what i do for a living. you know i could never bet with you. hence the ruse.

ahh... you know... y-you're out of line if you think that i was faking it. th-the part about enjoying... whatever, you know, you and me... a-and, uh... if that's how you feel about the betting stuff, i won't do it anymore. ok? what are you doing? uh, how are the kids? yeah. they're good.

and how do the twins like that new preschool there? yeah. they like it. it's good. good. ok. what? i think that was a good start, don't you? let's not push it. yeah, ok. maybe we'll do some more tomorrow. let's play it by ear. yeah. with our heads in the clouds. whoo! like a bunch of space cadets. huh? what? i've drawn a blank. what's my line? cut! maybe we do live in a fantasy. a little bit out there. maybe. but just a bunch of dreamers? no way! we're just like everyone else. we put our boardshorts on one leg at a time. [ female announcer ] start dreaming big at visitcalifornia.com. it's time...

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the strong but affordable picker upper. hey, dad.

hey. listen... you know the corner of hempstead turnpike and uniondale? yeah. there's a new speed trap there. good to know. ray already told me. come on! gah! captioning made possible by talk productions captioned by captioneering your closed captioning resource

mornin', deb. here's your paper. thanks, robert. just stopped by mom and dad's for some coffee, but couldn't take all the...mom and dad. here. you can have ray's. oh. thanks. there's a vibe over there that gives me... i can't describe it. searing abdominal cramps. why do you keep going over there? good coffee. how's this, huh? well, when you... when you factor in the vibe here, the...the whole package is good.

robert: hey, ray. robert. out of milk. you did that on purpose. you wanted milk. [door opens and closes] i've gotta buy myself a coffee maker. with everything. go! gooo! but instead she gives him capri sun. with absolutely no artificial preservatives.

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you can talk to me. i'm your mother. please. talk to me. nothin'. nothin'. it's just... unnhh. what? what? can't you read the signs? "nothin'. it's just... nuhhh." he's married. oh. what did she do? so...trouble in paradise? oh, no. it's just that... you know. why would you want to hear me complain about ray? perhaps we haven't met. i'm robert barone. nothin'. she just... she went all nuts over a can opener. can opener? mmm. oh, poor raymond. [chuckles] nothing good comes from a can.

go on. go ahead. tell me. nothin'. i don't know what i did wrong. i mean, i come home in a good mood, like usual. well, of course, dear. you were always a happy child. yeah. i know. anyway, i'm walkin' in... hi, daddy. hi, daddy. [cheerfully] hey, everybody. hi, daddy. [cheerfully] hi! uhh. how was your day? everything's fine. great. what's for dinner? i haven't made you anything yet, ray. can you wait? fine. i'll make my own dinner. [whistling tune]

mmm! tuna fish. where's that can opener? it's in the drawer. what? the can opener is in the utensil drawer! rightie-oh. ah. yeah, i bought a new one. oh. did we need a new can opener? it's better! ok? it cuts from the side so there's no sharp edges. how does this thing work? you put it on the can! you twist the thing! you open...the can! [sighs] great! a better can opener! ha ha ha ha! what's so funny? whoop! whoop! whoa! ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha! would you look at this?

oh...use a fork! god. hmm? oop. [exasperated sigh] was...was there somethin' wrong with the other can opener? there's nothing wrong with this can opener. [chuckling] no, nothing's wrong, honey. i mean, i would've preferred the tuna on bread, but, you know, it's... it's just as delicious right out of the sink. ha ha ha ha! this is the can opener i bought. ok, ray? because it's better. it's not stupid, and i'm not stupid! [clunk] what'd i say? and i'm not exaggerating. it's just that sometimes he's such a jerk! given. details?

last night. ok? the kids are a mess. i'm tryin' to hold everything together. you're the glue, debra. everyone knows that. anyway, you know, he comes home... [kids all shouting] ok! come on. i'm gonna run away. no! don't run away. mommy would miss you so much. yes, she would. ohh. come on. sit, sit, sit. let's eat. hey, daddy's home. hi, ray. yeah. hi, daddy. [flatly] how was your day? oh, gosh. well, actually, it was-- great. what's for dinner? i haven't had time to make you anything yet. if you could just wait. [grouchily] fine. make my own dinner. again. mmm! tuna fish. son of a--well, where's the can opener?

uh, it's in the drawer. what? the can opener's in the utensil drawer. right. [loud rattling] see? i bought a new one. [irritated] did we need a new can opener? it's better. it cuts the can from the side so there's no sharp edges. how does this thing work? look. see? you just put it on the can... you twist the thing, and it opens the can. mmm. huh? great. a better can opener. [chuckles] what's so funny? nothing! oh, great. would you look at this? oh, my god! tuna juice! oh, my god! here.

sweetie, use a fork. was there somethin' wrong with the old can opener? well, there's nothing wrong with this can opener. oh, no! nothing's wrong, honey! i mean, i would've preferred the tuna on bread, but it's just as delicious right out of the sink! no, ray. this is the can oper i bought because...it was better. i mean, it's not stupid, [tearfully] and--and i'm not... stupid. [chuckles] what'd i say? that bastard. i don't know. one-- one little comment about a can opener, and...she freaks out. like the time i bet the kids