- no. - tell me one thing about you i don't know. - [chuckles] um, okay. he wasn't getting the necessary nutrients, so my pediatrician recommended pediasure. [ male announcer ] pediasure is a source of complete, balanced nutrition to help support healthy growth and development. pediasure. the #1 pediatrician recommended brand. ♪ ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's so groovy now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪

(dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! - oh, here's one. did i ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement and bought the winning numbers the next day, and then, played the tape for me the next week-- - and you thought you guys were millionaires. - you heard that one. - yes, but there's--wait. oh! there's a funny ending to that story. i can't remember. - that i thought we were millionaires. - that you thought you were millionaires. - yep. - that's funny. - shoot, i knew that one! - that's all right. - the senator and i still have mystery. i'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next. [spits] [coughs] - you all right? - you support the taliban abroad, so i assume you're willing to live by their rules here. - anything else would be inconsistent. - will you join me then in a pledge to live by taliban law in this office?

- absolutely, i will. i feared nelly had some sort of a plan, but she used a ridiculous font. [snorts] [in cockney accent] you don't have a plan! - when you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan. looking for this? - what the-- - oh, this is a lovely pen, [exhales] and it's mine now, because i stole it. - gimme that. - didn't you sign a contract to live under taliban law? and now, there's been a theft. that means you're not serious, or someone's getting their hand cut off. - you're insane. - i know, so it's better that you pick another charity. - oh, and let your precious "operation: power grab" proceed unchecked? no, thank you. - in that case, you...

will have to chop off my hand. - this cleaver appears to need sharpening. i suggest you spend some quality time together, just you and your hand, tie a shoe, toss a salad. do any of the two-hand activities that you'll miss the most. - i tell you what. i need to make three calls. and then after that, you can become a person who chops off people's hands. - sounds like a plan. - clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment? - yeah. - clark, you and i need to have a little chat. what clothes does erin need for this news audition? - uh, a couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe a-- no, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. uh, something low-cut, because the camera

makes everything seem higher-cut. - really? - yeah, industry secret. you're gonna want some of those pantyhose with the seam up the back. - seems unnecessary for an audition. - and then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes, but i probably got one that she could borrow at my place, so-- - thank god someone here knows what they're talkin' about. [chuckles] i want you to take this credit card. take erin to the mall, and get that stuff. - i absolutely will do that. - awesome. plop. - [blows lips] guess i'll just head over to the mall then, buy erin some sexy, fun outfits. - that clark, huh? [growls] [mimics explosion] - next question for our oldyweds. - what is the craziest place you ever made whoopee? - language. - who was pam's first celebrity crush? - oh, thiis good, okay. - pam's first celebrity crush. - [whispering] john stamos. - ready? - uh-huh. - john stamos. - oh, yes! - john stamos was temporary. i quickly moved on to johnny-- - johnny depp.

uh, um, i was having a separate conversation with kevin? uh, johnny depp. - totally. george clooney. [phone rings] - mm-hmm. - okay, i'll have one. i have one. [overlapping chatter] - where is the craziest place you ever made whoopee? - kevin, stop it with that question. - right? and did you show them the market--yeah. and what'd they say? that's awesome. [chuckles] that--aw, my god. wow. it's not even real yet, and i'm not gonna tell her until it's real. - i think maybe they're actually is something i don't know about jim. could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. yep, everybody knows that. well, did you know the ancient pyramids

were actually a mistake? uh-oh. geico. fifteen minutes could save you...well, you know.

fifteen minutes could save you...well, you know. - erin has an audition to be a newscaster. all: wow! - woo! - uh-huh. - congratulations! - and i want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin, so everybody say something that you like about her body, all right? darryl. - okay. um, i like erin's hair. it's a very pretty color. - yeah, right? - i'm sorry. this is for a news audition? - yeah. - then why are we talking about her looks? why not her credibility or her reliability? - news flash, everyone-- the human race finds attractive people more trustworthy. - so sorry, andy, but for 20 years, the most trusted man in america: walter cronkite. - cronkite was hot. if i could go back in time, i'd take that moustache ride. - does erin have any experience? has she taken any journalism classes, maybe? - has she done the pageant circuit? - no, i watch the news-- - she's gonna be amazing. look at her. she's gonna light up the screen. - this is a first for me, and i don't get a lot of chances,

so i have to take them really seriously. i will do whatever it takes to get the job. - whatever it takes. - yeah, i know, i heard. - this is it. any questions? - is it gonna be numb? - no, it's gonna be over before you know it. - mm-hmm. - afghan president hamid karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country, promising low, low prices on all 2012 kia sentras and sonatas. "aren't you glad you waited?" karzai commented. - um, where did you get that story? - a little bit here, a little bit there. i bet you didn't think i knew current events. - i love it. it's fantastic. now, tag it with your name. - for channel 11 news, i'm erin hannon. - pause after news. - for channel 11 news, i'm erin hannon. - no, pause longer.

- that was a good one. - pause--pause--pause longer. okay, build suspense. don't be shy. - got it. [clears throat] for channel 11 news... - what, it's-- - i'm erin hannon. - okay, all right. great. some great stuff in there. - i can feel you looking at me. - okay, well here's something you don't know. a couple of weeks ago... - mm-hmm. - i ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced, and he hit on me in the mall. and i didn't tell you because--i don't know, i felt embarrassed, and i didn't know if you'd be mad or worried, but anyway, i thought you'd wanna know. - that didn't happen. you would've told me right away. - yeah, i would've. - [chuckles] - what about you? come on, there's gotta be something.

between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven't had the chance to tell me. - uh... - just tell me. - god, give it up, beesly. you know me too well. - [grunting] [grunts] - hey. - hmm. - um, i knew something bothered me, and i finally figured it out. what news producers are gonna wanna see is how erin relates to the other people on the news team. - oh. - the weird thing is erin is doing the audition alone. - oh, god. - now, i'd say clark could be your co-host. he's already doing camera. - [scoffs] - somebody who's already got rapport with erin, maybe. i don't know. - [grunts]

hey, this is for real this time. [grunts] - it's gettin' late. thought you guys could use a little inspiration. - oh, a movie. what is this? - 127 hours. it's abouthis guy who-- - no, no, no, no, no spoilers. please. - my bad, my bad-- - no-- - you're right, okay. good night. - hey! - hey. - everybody. - yeah. - come in. - all right. - come on in. - [gasps] wow! - thanks. what are you doing here? - [exhales] sorry, man. andy thought erin need a co-anchor. i'm his makeup guy. my hands are tied. - [sighs] - the victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns. - oh, wow. you know what they say, erin? if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. - well, he tried to, but the fire door was blocked. - he sure did. [chuckles] - all right. we got that. that's a rap everybody. - [sighs] - it's just--you sure, clark?

- yep, she's done. - no, i just-- i don't mean erin. i mean for me. i didn't feel good about that. - oh, no, we got it. we got it. - great! let's get some food. i'm starving. - i don't think we did get it. i could do a couple more takes. we could do it in close-up. that might even be better for editing. - okay, i don't. - all right. - i'm hungry. - uh, pete, you wanna take erin to get a burger or something? - yeah, whatever you say, boss. - okay. i'll call you later. - okay. - okay. - great job. - [clears throat] so this is a single. - hey, even this doesn't work out for me, i'm just glad i had the guts to do it, and maybe it'll work out for andy.

"and what do you do?" "oh, i sell insurance like no one else." "oh, that's nice." "thank you." now, that's progressive. call or click today.

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[ man ] adventure, it means taking chances. it means trying something new. [ woman ] just, that uncertainty of what's to come. [ man ] just kidding. ♪ can you please stop doing that? ♪ [ woman ] you walk outside in brooklyn, and it's cement and broken glass. and this is just like... the opposite of that. ♪

the opposite of that. - oh, that is absolutely revolting! - yeah. - he is so good, though... - yes. - the way he just cut off his arm. - if you like james franco, we really should watch rise of the planet of the apes. - well, he's a genius, you know? he was in graduate programs at yale, columbia and nyu all at the same time. - whoop-de-doo. that doesn't make you a genius. - well, it doesn't make you stupid. - oh, yeah, it does. actually, it makes you real stupid. - oh, stupid like you. - no, like you. - like you. - you're the stupid one. both: you're the stupid one. - you, you, you, you, you-- - you're the stupid one.

♪ smile on your brother ♪ everybody get together ♪ try to love one another ♪ come on, people, now [ female announcer ] breyers. the taste you've loved for over 140 years. ♪ right now (michael) we are going to beloved f standing herears. every monday for the next seven mondays. this summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest. you lost 31 pounds. hey! fax this for me. come on, man. she goes to new york in, like, ten minutes. (pam) tomorrow i start a three-month design program at the pratt institute in new york. why haven't i proposed yet? we just decided that, um, we didn't want to spend the first three months of our engagement apart. uh. that was the last time, dwight.

i mean it. monkey. no, no, i have a fiance i very much like. hey, could i have a rain check on the mini golf? i, uh... actually have a date tonight. [cheerful music] ♪ (holly) it's kind of a good news, bad news situation. the bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. but the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are. so corporate upped the prize to five days. so if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off. [door opens] how's my favorite branch doing? all right.

(michael) ronnie was blecch. things were at an all-time sad here. but then i got an email from ryan that he was coming back to town. and i called the temp agency, and i told them, "i will pay you any amount. "just give me ryan howard. give him to me. i want him. i need him." and you got a goatee. i did. did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine? yes. gooo-atee! fire-ed guy! [chuckling] hey, kevin. that's really funny. yeah. it's great to see you, kev. you too. (ryan) i'm keeping a list of everyone who wrongs me, so when i'm back on top, they'll be sorry. kevin just made the list. jim. i wanted to apologize for how i treated you last year. i lost sight of myself. and now that i've quit the rat race, i realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest vp in the company's history. i've even started, um, volunteering.

giving back to the community. that's great. you're talking about your court-ordered community service? i don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean. but he did, right? all right. all right. well, you lost zero pounds. [all groan] no change. on the brighter side, you gained zero pounds. hey, you know what? i can't do this by myself, people. kelly and i are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. damn it, i need these five days for my honeymoon! who is slacking? okay, let's just all try and work harder, okay? no, i want names! this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my entire life. i haven't had a very hard life. so how was your date? 8.5. i got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. but he's cute, right? [moans] what's wrong?

nn--mm-- um... close the door. this is your fault. no. your stupid "friend zone." hmm. i should've been lovers with her first and then friends. that was terrible advice. terrible advice! you know my seduction method. i like to get in there and get my hands dirty. wh--you sabotaged me. you sabotaged me, man. attention! attention! we only have a few weeks left, and most of you are just as fat as the day we began. this is what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna randomly select three names, and these three people will get liposuction. uh...stanley, phyllis, kevin. and you will be responsible for your own medical bills.

kelly. oh, hello, ryan. you look well. i wanted to say i'm sorry for treating you bad the past couple of years. i--i was in my mid-twenties, and... i was going through a lot of stuff. i think i never really processed 9/11. um, i want you to know i've changed. cool. we should get a drink later, catch up. pick me up around 8:00? oh, that is so sweet, um, but i'm dating darryl still, and we're, like, crazy in love, so... i-i--cool. um...well, maybe i'll see you around. it's a small office. yeah. hey, phyllis, do you have a minute? listen... i'm really sorry about what i said before, okay? i was way out of line.

yes, you were. but you know what? i want to make it up to you. there is a surefire sale, but it's a two-man job. interested? split the commission? [breathes deeply] 60/40, hmm? i'll drive. (michael) hey, jim, over here! sit here. (jim) probably the weirdest thing about pam being gone will be lunch, actually. but, um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people i consider... coworkers. oh, my god. uh, okay. everybody just act normal. don't say anything. what? my ex-girlfriend, she's right behind you. really? where? just hide me. no, no, don't look-- hmm. wow, was it the age difference? uh, actually, kind of, yes. i just didn't like eating dinner that early, so... [cell phone rings] [chuckling]

hey, jim. um, listen, can i call you back in a little bit? i made friends. [doorpens] are you insane? hey, hey. god, what happened? there was no client. dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. i had to walk home with no money and no phone. and you burned over 1,000 calories walking home, and this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. phyllis vance, ladies and gentlemen! you left me in a bad part of town. yeah, i took your purse. what are you worried about? (dwight) you look great. i can definitely see the difference. phyllis vance for david wallace. he wasn't getting the necessary nutrients, so my pediatrician recommended pediasure. [ male announcer ] pediasure is a source of complete, balanced nutrition to help support healthy growth and development. pediasure. the #1 pediatrician recommended brand.

♪ ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's so groovy now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ (dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! (holly) "dunder mifflin wants to make it clear "that dunder mifflin does not discriminate. "nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits "or extreme weight-loss strategies as was clearly stated in the official--" (michael, deep voice) oh, bang boom! shake! clargh!

why, hello, everybody! what are you doing? fair question. i say, i say, i say sit down, holly! [normal voice] i'll take it from here. [deep voice] i am beautiful. they are beautiful. he is beautiful. this big fat pig is beautiful. it's my sumo suit. i just didn't inflate it all the way. i'm so glad that i bought instead of rented. body image. we are here because there is something wrong with society. see, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but maybe there's something wrong with you. if it's me, then society made me that way. now i know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "why are you dressed in a plus-size suit?" because you're kind of doing michael klump. how do you know michael klump?

because it's your "making fun of fat people" character. how dare you! michael klump is a celebration of fat people. i think of him as more like a monster. what about, "i say, i say, i say, i sit on you"? no, no, no. it goes, it goes--look. [deep voice] "i say, i say, i say i sit on you!" no, no, no, no! you know what? fat people are not monsters. why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject? bang, boom! case in point. look at the outside of this building. it is ugly. but you come inside, and it is beautiful. just like this unappealing fat suit. inside is a rather handsome, sexy man. vamping. hey, why don't you just sit down, please? eh, i've been sitting all day. we're doing this because of you, so why don't you just go stand somewhere else. hey, hey. shaved. i did. why?

(professor) so in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. some blame it on the new air contioning system that was installed. some on the high-powered lights. others feel that fungus is due to-- [chuckling] (pam) nice. quiet, please. sorry. sorry. dwight, i would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her, is basically a death march. (dwight) she should thank me. okay, phyllis, thank dwight first. why should i have to thank him? you're right, you're right. just-- dwight, do it. just say it, okay? [exhales] i apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise. finally! right? okay, phyllis, you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. why don't you have a seat? let's all clap at phyllis. [applause] okay. well, michael klump wants to remind you that corporate-- their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight. but more importantly, what this whole thing is about,

this contest is really about being healthy. and in order to be healthy, you have to eat, kelly. [softly] kelly-- that's-- back, back! kelly, i want you to stand up on your chair. come on, stand up on your chair. stand up, stand up, stand up. somebody help her. here we go. okay, i want you to look at her. she's a beautiful indian woman. why? what makes her beautiful? everything. she's perfect. (meredith) i like her nails. okay, be more specific. i like her finger nails. i like her purple dress. what about her looks? hell of an ass. what else do people like? i wonder what people like about me. probably my jugs. kelly, will you just agree to stop this madness and stop trying to kill yourself? i hate dieting. i hate it so much. i hate this worm inside of me! i want you to know-- kelly, look at me.

i want you to know that you are beautiful. you are truly, truly beautiful. give me a hug. mmm. (jim) summer's going great. just spent two hours listening to michael klump. i have a weird pain in my left side that i'm convinced is an ulcer. my girlfriend lives in new york, and i haven't seen her in ten days. how's your summer? could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. yep, everybody knows that. well, did you know the ancient pyramids were actually a mistake? uh-oh. geico. fifteen minutes could save you...well, you know.

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