they want to hear. i would-- i would love to help. - oh, thank you so much. - [whispering] just don't tell andy because-- - he hates me. - and-- - thinks i'm a monster. - that-- - should go back to loch ness. - stretch. all right. - how many times do you need to take a stroll? - i--my legs cramp up, okay? it's a circulation issue. - boy, i will hammer-spank your rear. - all right, all right, gang. let's just settle down. you're yelling in her face. - it's a medical thing. - just--you good? - i'm good. i-- - [sighs] i'm so sorry for all of this. - it's okay. you know what they say, a change is as good as a rest. - i--i need to get to the paper, please. - sorry. - oh, god! - oh, oh, my god! - okay-- - oh! - i'll get you a napkin. can someone get napkins, please? - you know what, it's fine. it's fine, let me just-- it's fine. - pam, i'm really sorry. i just-- i'm--i'm really sorry about all that.

really? smirking? - what can i say? i love justice. you forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and now you're locked in a prison bus, and your woman drips with beverage. - hey, dwight, i was trying to do something nice for pam. can you just help me out? can we maybe take this thing somewhere, or do something to not make this the worst day ever? - it's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas. - andy! - yo! toonces. - you're the boss. don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work, we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in pennsylvania? - ooh, i know i'd be more productive. - as would i. - no question. - no! no! this is a work bus. the wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site. - what are you talking about? you're not the boss, andy is. andy? all: pies, pies, pies, pies, pies, pies. - all right! the fat people have spoken.

dwight, get this bus moving. [all cheering and clapping] - next stop, laverne's pies, tires fixed also. - oh, yes! [all cheering and clapping] - yeah, jim! - so it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh? - get your foot behind the yellow line. - you got it. [applause] - yeah, jim! - stop. - come back. - too late. - mm. all: ♪ shabooya roll call, shabooya-ya-ya ♪ ♪ shabooya roll call - ♪ my name is pam all: ♪ yeah - ♪ i like to paint all: ♪ yeah - ♪ you think you're better? all: ♪ yeah - ♪ oh, no, you ain't all: ♪ roll call ♪ shabooya-ya-ya ♪ shabooya roll call, shabooya-ya-ya ♪ ♪ shabooya roll call - ♪ my name is kevin - ♪ yeah - ♪ that is my name - ♪ yeah - ♪ they call me kevin - ♪ yeah - ♪ 'cause that's my name all: ♪ roll call

♪ shabooya-ya-ya shabooya roll call ♪ ♪ shabooya-ya-ya shabooya roll call ♪ - thanks. playing a little hooky from work today. [sighs] oh, my god. - dunder mifflin road trip 2012! okay, now a serious one. - hey, where's dwight? he should be a part of this. has he been acting kind of weird to you lately? - if by "lately," you mean for the last 12 years, yeah. - no, i mean, he's sulking. that's not like hi - he's just mad that we're all having fun. - then why isn't he scheming or preparing to avenge? - he's fine. he's indestructible. - always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. we're not hostages.

- [chuckles] although i have considered kidnapping one. - oh, and never say that. all: [chanting] next stop, pies, next stop, pies! - let's go, driver! laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so-- - at 5:00? that's only 20 minutes from now. the pie shop is 13 miles away. so at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us 5 minutes to spare. - so, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head? - hold on, kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies? - 314 pies. - what if it were salads? - well, it's the-- carry the four and the-- it doesn't work. - i'm sorry to spoil jim's fantastic voyage, everyone, but we're almost out of gas. - okay, well, i saw a station about a mile back, so chop, chop. - that name brand place? no, forget about it, sorry.

the tanks are so big on this thing, 5¢ a gallon extra? it really adds up. - are you kidding me? dwight, come on. - hey. honey, i don't think we should push him. - oh, no, i'm going to push him. you know why? because you are getting a pie. why? 'cause you deserve it. and what is he doing? he's trying to drive us all around the countryside, looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. is that what we want? all: no! - stop ordering me around, jim! - what do we want? all: pies! - when do we want it? all: pies. - okay, fine. you win, jim. you win. we have been battling for a long time, but, you know what, you win. 'cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male. there you go. alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. go buy the whole world a pie. - that's impossible. - oh, no! - dwight! - what are you doing? - dwight! - what the hell? - whoa, dwight. - dwight. - what? - well, now i don't even feel like pie. wait. no, it's back.

♪ ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's so groovy now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪

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[foo - phyllis,he roof] - o that's not safe.y, just-- - guys, we only have 18 minutes left. at 61 miles an hour, we're just going to barely make it. - go up and check on him, he's upset. - you know he's doing all this on purpose. - please, just make sure he's okay. - [sighs] - hurry it up, for god's sake. they're going to be out of banana cream. - banana cream's the first to go. we'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point. - [gasps] what? - dwight? why are you such a jerk? i'm trying to do something for my wife, and you keep-- - i'm barren, jim. - what? - my trouser hives are void of honey. i had congress with angela, and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins.

thought i would be a father, and instead i am a eunuch, neutered by my own building. - is this about the popcorn, or the "x" on the ceiling? dwight, that was a prank. - you mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank? - no. - that's genius. that's theest prank you've ever done. - i'll take it. - andy? - who is it? - um, is this a good time? - yeah. perfect time, right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. fine, yeah, let me read it. what do we have here? okay-- you've made this very easy for me. it's unsignable. - oh. what, is there something--? - it's inaccurate, dishonest, and, in a word, dong-water. - oh, well, perhaps i could reword some of it-- - here's the thing. you asked me to do you a favor, i did it, i read it. thank you very much to me for my time.

good luck with your impossible dream. - all right, then. - dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant. - really? how long did it take you and pam to conceive? - that doesn't matter. - what position did you use to conceive, regular or lady-on-her-back? you used lady-on-her-back, didn't you, freak? yuck, gross. never mind, jim. - [crying] [sobbing] - british women, famously over-emotional, am i right? - i don't think that's nellie. - what? - oh. oh, no, no, look. it's all right. really, it isn't your fault. no, no. look, it's-- you were so kind, and it isn't anything to do with you.

- did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kind of like your children. - you know, there's a phrase about that in german, bilden-kinder, used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves, but now, i really understand it. - well, now you have a bus full of real building-kinder. - bilden-kinder. - okay. and they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. and there's only one guy who can save them. it's not me. - i agree. - oh! - oh. hey, how did it go? - it was pretty good, actually. - yeah? - we bonded, we got to t-- - oh! - whoa, whoa, whoa! - dwight, dwight! - dwight! - that's what happens when you don't get out of the way. out of the way! - you feel okay now? - oh, better than okay. and you know what, honey? i'm going to get you that rhubarb pie. - well, actually, rhubarb is the one pie that i don't-- - don't, don't. - everybody, hang on!

[turns engine on] [all scream] [tires screech] [all scream] all: pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie! [all cheering] - oh. - i changed my mind. - oh, you signed it? - yeah. not as is, obviously. made a couple of changes, added some sentences at the end. trust me, it needed it. but, yeah, whatever. - "she's tough in business, but tender "with the people she cares about. "she'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents."

- i insult you, oscar. - what? - i insult you to your face. - i don't know what you're talking about. - then why don't you do something about it? - kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you in the face with my pie? - you don't have the guts. you stupid, dumb, doo-doo face. yes! - oh, my god. i'm getting so stuffed. - we did it. - you did it.

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it's harder whenever there's a bigger group. pretty much a good day for me would be people leaving their hands off of me. i'm always called names. um, everywhere that i go there's always someone calling me names, calling me gay. i've been choked. thrown up against a wall. punched. nobody's ever tried to help me.

- ♪ i don't do drugs all: ♪ yeah - ♪ now, check the style all: ♪ yeah - ♪ of flatt and scruggs all: ♪ yeah [banjo music playing] ♪ all: [murmuring] roll call. - roll call. - roll call. - roll call. - what?

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the crohn's & colitis foundation of america. ccfa was created to help those with ibd cope and to find a cure. people with ibd can't wait. won't you help someone you know? girl: don't look at me. second girl: your hair's a bit frizzy today. aw! ha ha! you should pick that up. announcer: every day, kids witness bullying. poor you. ha ha! they want to help but don't know how. teach your kids how to be more than a bystander. visit stopbullying.gov. what is this? happy holidays, dwight. but do not open it till christmas. you are so pathetic. how long did this take you? three hours? five minutes, actually. i am a black belt in gift wrapping. yeah, no such thing. they don't give out black belts for things that are stupid.

[scoffs] well, i hope it was worth it, 'cause i'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes. i think it'll take you a little bit longer than that. really? if i can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, i ought to be able to cut my-- [cheerful music] ♪ (stanley) eh... i'm sorry, it's the largest one i have. i will not be the big guy in the tiny hat. this is the first christmas party i'm throwing as head of the party planning committee. the theme is "night in morocco." this isn't your grandmother's christmas party. unless, of course, she's from morocco, in which case it's very accurate.

hey, phyllis, do i need this invite to get into the party? yes. awesome. i think this is going to be the best christmas party ever. angela... you're going to move this for the party, right? it's not our theme. it's the nativity scene. all right... you can keep your camel, sheep, elephant. hey. and the north african king can stay. everything else goes in the drawer. (angela) i am not gonna judge phyllis for desecrating christmas. there is one person who will, though. and phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer. i need you to get rid of the tree. but-- thank you. (phyllis) oh i don't think it's blackmail. angela just does what i ask her to do so i won't tell everyone that she's cheating on andy with dwight. i think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.

ah, you brought in your doll collection. [scoffs] these are not dolls, jim. these are commodities, the same as gold or oil. every year i do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the christmas season. this year it's a doll-- half girl, half unicorn. catch phrase: "my horn can pierce the sky." pathetic. i bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks. and as lazy parents become more desperate, i will sell them at an enormous profit. isn't that right, princess? that's the christmas spirit. i am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to give their child a gift. and such a genetically improbable one. look at that. how does that happen? the king had sex with a unicorn? a man with a horn had sex with a royal horse? yes. oh, hey, is that princess unicn? i thought they were all sold out. they are now. cool. ♪ my horn can pierce the sky ♪

[moroccan music] ♪ this is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of splenda. i call it a one of everything. oh, my god! [laughs] hit me again! all right, one more time around the block. it will grant you one wish. i wish you would stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way. stupid--everybody knows to ask for 100 more wishes. dumb. [sitar being tuned] hey, hey, ange, check it out. [exotic accent] ♪ there's a place in france ♪ where the naked ladies dance [chuckles] really, andy?

it's christmas, and you're singing about nudity and france. ♪ there's a hole in the wall ♪ where the men can see it all ♪ jim, check that out. what is it? that is vodka, and i mixed it with orange juice. i call it an orange vod-juice-ka. wow, that is delicious. yeah. i can't believe no one's thought of it. i know! [moroccan music] [shouting] aw, yeah! [tom-tom beats] belly dancing. 120, 180...200. all right. ah, thank you so much. my daughter is gonna love this. so glad i could help. thanks. merry christmas. you too. ♪ fa la la la la ♪ la la ka-ching [moroccan music] (michael) oh, so this is what every day would be like

if you hadn't left india. oh, oh, oh, oh! burnin'. make way we got a live one! on fire! [screaming] i'm all right. i'm all right. get doorbusters, this saturday to only 10 am to 1pm.er sale. like, 50% off worthington apparel, 60% off all men's suit separates, and $8.99 jcp home twin sheets. jcpenney. so if ydead battery,t tire, need a tow or lock your keys in the car,

geico's emergency roadside assistance is there 24/7. oh dear, i got a flat tire. hmmm. uh... yeah, can you find a take where it's a bit more dramatic on that last line, yeah? yeah i got it right here. someone help me!!! i have a flat tire!!! well it's good... good for me. what do you think? geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. [sitar out of tune] we're back on the fifth. should we just do it then? we cannot do it then. monthly dental appointment. soft teeth. what about february 2nd? uh... would you want to do it on groundhog day? no, no. i celebrate privately. that's right. (michael) um, why don't we just do it now? we'll do it quickly. well. now? it's our christmas party. we'll do it quickly. what if we can't do it quickly? [mockingly] what if we can't so it quickly? what if we can't do it? do you know how to do an intervention? hey, shut up.

here we go. everybody gather up. an intervention, it's sort of hard to describe. but really it's-- it's a coming together-- it's a surprise party... for people who are-- who have addictions. and you get in their face and you scream at them, and you make them feel really badly about themselves. and then they stop. it looks like we're gonna be here for a while, so why don't you make a little plate of hummus for everyone? little triangles of pita toasted on both sides, fanned, so you can easily grab them. i don't-- and napkins. fanned. okay...how do you feel? a little better. i threw up. ecch. t.m.i. fire girl! too soon. yeah. okay, you know what i thought we should do is have a quick intervention, and then get back to the party. michael, we're only allowed to talk about meredith's work performance. we cannot ask her to stop drinking. i am not asking her to stop drinking. i am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.

i'm not an alcoholic. yeah, obviously you are. okay, everybody who thinks that meredith is an alcoholic, please raise your hands. aye. the ayes have it. i don't care what everyone thinks. i know i am not an alcoholic. all right, well, let's look at this a little bit closer then. shall we? when i was in college i used to get wicked hammered. my nickname was "puke." i would chug a fifth of so-co, sneak into a frat party... polish off a few people's empties... some brewskis, some jell-o shots. do some body shots off myself. pass out, wake up the next morning, bot, rally, more so-co, head to class. probably would have gotten expelled if i'd let it affect my grades, but i aced all my courses. they called me "ace." it was totally awesome. i got straight bs.

they called me "buzz." meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind? sure. do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday? obviously. have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the mormon church? where did you get this? i got it on a web site. that's not important. michael, we should contact some experts. you don't know what you're doing. you know what, toby, one of my employees is undergoing a crisis. and i wish for just once you would take my side on this. i'm doing your job, man. here's what i'd like to do. i'd like to go around the room and have us each express to meredith how her alcoholism has affected us. i'll begin. this christmas party is perhaps the best christmas party i have ever been to. but then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this. that's how your drinking affected me. anybody else? another time when meredith's drinking affected you?

come on, people. if we don't say anything, she's not gonna get any better. yes, kevin. well, meredith, there was that one time you bought movie tickets, and then you got too drunk to go. so you gave them to me. and that was really cool. that's--you didn't-- you weren't hurt by that. yeah, you said affected by it. thanks again. you're welcome. (michael) no, that's not what we're going for. who has a problem with meredith's drinking? it has to bother you. it bothers me, right? how does it bother you? dwight? don't you have anything? no. i like meredith. actually, i don't care for meredith. but i don't believe in this kind of thing. in the schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. awareness, education, control, acceptance, and punching. who's gonna tell us the latest dirty joke? who is going to tell us what you watched on television last night? i am fine. was john belushi fine? was bob hope fine?

hey... come here. if anything ever happened to you, i would be very angry at myself for not doing all that i could do. (meredith) i know i drink. i like to party. i want you to say "i'm an alcoholic." [loudly] i'm not an alcoholic! you can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you. i was waiting until later to hand out this year's gifts from corporate. i don't think they're appropriate anymore. please stop making me do these things. oh, sorry, it's your job. but it's the season of mercy. you never showed me mercy when you were in charge. why aren't you wearing the hair net? i lost it. fine.

okay. nice. i don't mind telling you that i have an addiction. i do...to porn. [all groan] all right. no, no, no. no. that is-- you lit your hair on fire today. what about tomorrow? what is going to happen when you come in to work and you're dead? i stab her in the brain with a wooden stick. there are several ways to kill a zombie. but the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick. everyone in this room loves you. but mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore. the next time you light yourself on fire, we are not going to help put you out. oh, as fire marshal, i would have to. dwight-- she is a hazard to the other people of the office. oh, okay. i suppose i could do it if it was a controlled burn in a well-ventilated area. yeah, but you're gonna need a permit for that.

oh, right, that'll take a couple of weeks. i can get you one in an hour. really? okay, you know, this-- this is over. (stanley) i agree. michael, i think you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us. enabler. enabler. enabler. enabler. enabler. enabler. it's christmas, and we are turning our back on somebody who's asking for help. you know what the only thing i want for christmas? i want meredith to get better. that's my only wish. but you know what, my wishes never come true. so i'm not going to wish that on her. i--a watch would be nice. ♪ ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's so groovy now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪