l? nope. it's you. me? i-- i--i'm... why am i in heck, sweetie? because that's what grandpa said. grandpa said that? what? grandpa told you that i'm going to heck? he said, "hell." really? really? why did grandpa say that? 'cause you don't go to church. grandpa said that? where were you? i was in church. ok, i'm gonna, uh, i'm gonna go across the street 'cause, uh... if i'm gonna go to heck, i'm takin' him with me.

marie! go ahead, frank! heh heh heh heh! she is good for somethin'. mmm! mmm. all right, dad. why did you tell ally that-- you want some cake? no. good. see this picture, dad? it's a picture of me in hell. my 7-year-old daughter drew it because her grandpa told her that's where her father's goin': to hell! what kind of a mind does that?! mmm! this cake almost makes marriage bearable. hey! why did you tell her that? i never told her you were going there. she asked me what happens to people who don't go to church. i said, "they go to hell, sweetie." she must have put 2 and 2 together.

smart kid. go--go over there right now and tell her that i'm not goin' to hell! you know, i would love to, but i don't make the rules. oh, you know what? whipped cream. hey, you really think that i'm goin' to hell? i try not to think about it. look, hey, i don't care what you think, all right? i don't want you talkin' to my kids about this stuff anymore! you got that?! since when do you give me orders? since you crossed over the line. hi, raymond. you hungry? have some cake. i don't want any cake! we have whipped cream. how about this, marie: your son doesn't want me talkin' to my own grandchildren. oh? that isn't what i said. i'll talk to anyone i want anytime i want. unfortunately, raymond, this is america. mom, i don't want him tellin' ally-- hey, hey! what are you doin'? are you talkin' to my wife? what? don't talk to my wife. all right. all right, dad, don't be cute.

hey, hey, hey! you wanna be like that, you don't talk to her! only i talk to her! hello, sweetheart. how are you? oh, i'm fine, but, you know, i have a thing that-- oh, stop it, mom! he doesn't care how you are! hey! you're talkin' to her. stop talkin' to her. no. it's all right, frank. he can talk to me unless you want to talk to me some more. i liked it. i was just makin' a point. dad told ally that i am going to hell. frank. he never goes to mass, marie! it's an open-and-shut case. you see? you see, ma? no. you should go to mass, raymond. i don't wanna go! why do you hurt me? look, i don't mean to hurt you, mom-- stop hurting your mother! go to church! no!

oh! ooh... oh... look what you're doin' to her? go to church! no, no! i don't feel like it. "i don't feel like it." that's the problem with you kids today. everything has to feel good. do you think world war ii felt good? do you think korea felt good? in my day, nothing felt good! why don't you go back to your day and stop ruining mine? 12 years of catholic school down the toilet. go to church! frank, you can't just scream at someone to go to church. well, 40 years of your guilt hasn't worked. i need more time. look, i-- all i'm sayin', is from now on, if ally asks you something about religious stuff or government or minorities, please refer her to me! how do you think i feel? it's embarrassing. i'm in church. people are saying, "how come ray's never here? didn't you raise him right?" they say that? shut up. yeah. look, i'm not goin' just to make you look good.

go to church! no! then thou are doomed to suffer the fires of eternal damnation! see, now i would never scream at you like that, raymond... because i know that your failures... are my fault. medicare part d plan did you know that if you enroll in a where walmart is a preferred pharmacy, you could save up to 80% on your co-pays over other pharmacies? this could lower your prescription co-pays to as low as a dollar so you can enjoy the things that really matter.

and now that we're a preferred pharmacy for many national plans, it's never been easier to ve. choose any plan where walmart is a preferred pharmacy provider by logging on to walmart.com/rxplans now through december 7th. save money. live better. walmart. jolly rancher bold hand soft juicy chews. untamed fruit flavor... jolly rancher.

this is the creamchicken corn chowder. i mean, look at it. so indulgent. did i tell you i am on the... [ both ] chicken pot pie diet! me too! [ male announcer ] so indulgent, you'll never believe they're light. 100-calorie progresso light soups. [ female announcer ] at 100 calories, not all food choices add up. some are giant. some not so giant. when managing your weight, bigger is always better. ♪ ho ho ho ♪ green giant

"24 grams of fat."ho yeah, but don't worry. i'll be burning it off... in hell. ok, i'm goin' up. ok. you know, i kind of understand how your father feels. ok, good night. no, ray. ray, wait! wait, wait! oh! eh... you still consider yourself catholic? what are you talkin' about? uh, yeah. i'm catholic. you can't change that. it's like bein' italian or--or... sexy. so why don't you go to mass? come on. look, it's not like i never go, right? and you go all the time, and, according to this married thing, we are one.

ok. no, you know, i'm not trying to make a big thing. i was just thinkin' about you and your father and why you got so angry about it. because it's none of his business. why don't you go to church? i don't know. i-- it's--it's because of the kneeling, really. it's just--you know i have bad knees. you know, god can hear you right now. let me finish. all right? that's not the only reason. that's-- that's one of 'em. all right, listen, when i go-- when i go there, i should be thinkin' about god, right? but instead i'm thinkin' about some column i'm workin' on... uh, "what's up with this guy's scalp? oh, that lady sneezed. i'm not shakin' her hand." i'm not focused. i feel like i'm just goin' through the motions, and that's, uh... that's not respectful, right? yeah, you're right.

i mean, you shouldn't go if you're just goin' through the motions. what are you doin'? what? i'm agreeing with you. no. you're trying to make me feel guilty. no, i'm not. yechh...you're just like my mother. why do you have to insult me? we're talking. and, besides, you're the one that had to eat a whole pint of ice cream. if you're feeling guilty, it's not because of me. let me tell you something. i practice being a good person every day, ok? i'm a decent fellow. i--i do good things. i always leave a big tip, if a squirrel runs in front of the car, do i not swerve? i'm considerate of people's feelings. remember the plumber who came over with the big eye? i treated him like a completely normal person, ok? so why do i have to go to church every sunday to prove my goodness?

i'm living it. well, you know, since you are so good during the week, maybe on sundays, we should have everybody come over here and sit around you. ok, all right. why do you go, miss holy... moly? why do i go? yeah. i go, you know, to thank god for you and the kids and to pray for the strength to get through another week with you and the kids. ok. yeah. no. no, really. you know, i go to get re-energized, to be part of something that's bigger than me and my little problems. you know, it reminds me that i'm not the be-all and end-all. there's something out there that's greater than me. why do you have to have an answer for everything?

and you know what else? i like the feeling of community, the tradition, and i think that's what's ggin' your father. he wanted to pass his faith onto you. it's probably the only valble thing that he thinks he can give you, and you've rejected it. ok, i need more ice cream. you know, a lot of people would have made fun of that plumber, ok? big muppet-eye guy. hey, you workin' the church carnival next weekend? yeah. my wife signed me up for the dunking booth again. she loves seeing me wet. hey, ray's here! ha ha ha! and also with you. what are you doin' here? nothing. going to church.

how come? i...just felt like it. yeah. well, we don't need you part-timers droppin' by whenever you feel like it. it screws up the parking. i'm thinkin' of making this a regular thing. yeah, right. no, i'm serious. you wanna come every sunday? do they have it every sunday? yeah. every sunday. yeah. until your mother's guilt wears off. no, no. it wasn't her. look, you wanna know the truth? it was you. i want to set an example for my kids, you know... like you did. what are you, bein' a wise guy? no. i mean it. oh, yeah? yeah. look at you. mmm! us barones... we clean up pretty good, eh?

hey, it's the offertory, people. where are my ushers? let's go! let's go! get the lead out. come on! come on! go, go, go, go! father hubley, good news. raymond my son is coming back to the church. really? every sunday. welcome back, raymond. frank, you waitin' for an engraved invitation? go on. well, well, well, the prodigal son returns. of course, no one applauds a faithful son because the faithful son never leaves. the faithful son has nowhere to go. so what's your angle, raymond? nothin'. i was thinkin' about dad and-- oh, you're comin' back because of dad. yeah. every sunday. that's right. and you're gonna sit in the pews and be with the family?

hey, if dad can do it, i can do it. [chuckling] what? dad doesn't do it. what do you mean? i do it. mom, debra, the kids do it, but dad? he's an usher. so? so that means he spends most of his time out here, not in there. back here, he doesn't have to listen to all that-- as he puts it-- "mumbo jumbo." that's right, ray. oh, yeah, occasionally, he'll go down the aisle with the collection basket and wink at the pretty ladies, and he hustles bacto coy and clocks out. it's a beautiful set-up. mom can't get on his case for not going to mass. he's here every sunday serving the lord. he's just doin' it from the first-class lounge. oh, my god.

debra told me this was the best part of him. well... i knew there was no best part of him. oh, and i just promised in front of god and everybody-- all right, boys, count 'em up! hey, frank, get a load of roseanne kelly today? whoo-ooh. yeah. with the low-cut thing? i almost gave her a dollar. ha ha ha! praise the lord! heh heh heh! looks like i'm ahead here, boys. ooh, look at this-- a $50 bill. ooh! someone did somethin' to somebody. heh heh heh! hold it. hold it. this is it? this is what you do every sunday? what? this. this--laughin' and-- and talkin' about women and bettin on who collected the most money? isn't this where jesus is supposed to come in and turn this table over? since when did you start wearin' sandals? ha ha ha!

eh-yeh... you're so full of it, dad, you know? actin' all high and mighty, tellin' me that i'm gonna burn in... you know where. this is it? this is what you wanted to pass onto me, your little sportsman's lodge? you know what? forget it. i'm not goin' to church, ok? 'cause i don't need your hypocrisy. "hypocrisy." ooh, hypocrisy. ooh! who are you to judge? there's no hypocrisy. i made a commitment to the lord, and i'm here every sunday, helping. if you want to break your commitment to your family, to father hubley and to god, go right ahead. don't worry. it's a dry heat. fine. all right. i'm not gonna break my commitment. i said i'm comin' every week, and that's exactly what i'm gonna do. not only that, i would like to volunteer to be an usher. what? i wanna be an usher. come on, dad. that would be great. you and me, we could usher together. you mean, you wanna be an usher like your old man? ha ha ha! heh heh heh! what? why? what's so fuy?

you know how long the waiting list is? it took me 20 years to become ansher! oh. oh, well, i coulbe a fill-in guy, for when somebody gets sick. you don't look so good. sorry, kid. i promised that to your brother. oh, i hate that guy. look, you already missed half the mass here. come on. you better get back in there if you want this one to count. all right, but--but-- hey,ook, i gotta a lotta work to do here, son. go and join your family. all right, i'm here. anybody watch the knicks game last night? yeah. it was great.

hidden valley will never be the same. with delicious deliveries like sandwich spreads, and the zesty bold flavors of italian and vinaigrette dressings. (dootrick or treat!

mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm!

into an easy dinner with crescent dogs. just separate, add hot dogs, cheese, roll 'em up, and bake. lookin' hot, c-dog. pillsbury crescents. make dinner pop. he loves me. he loves me not. he loves me. he loves me not.

♪ he loves me! that's right. [ mom ] warm and flaky in 15, everyone loves pillsbury grands! [ girl ] make dinner pop! everwhat?n music plays]y grands! nothing. this is nice.

raymond. peace be with you. captions made possible by talk productions

ok. have fun drivingou later. your little scooters. they're not scooters, ok? they're professional go-karts. you know they're go-karts. hey, good news, raymond. they had "the meat lovers pizza special" today. you order one meat-lovers, you get another free meat-lovers. after breaking up with amy, i know you swore off women. but i don't think turning to meat is the answer. very funny. that's a good one. i got side salads and wings, too-- all for the big game. all right? so fire up the satellite,

because the food's gonna be here any minute. oh, man. robert, i completely forgot about this. me and andy, we... gotta go to work. what, on... on a saturday? yeah, saturday, tell me about it. we lost our columns in the computer. apparently, some janitor, he spilled coffee on the...motherboard. all right. ok, well, maybe we'll do it next week, huh? yeah. definitely. next week. don't even try to get out of it. we're doing this next week. ok. all right. you mind if i use your phone? no, no. go ahead. why can't robertgo with you? yeah, right. why don't ibrin?

[knock on door] frank: ray! hey, ray! you upstairs? yeah, but we're reading. ray! dad? let's go. your brother'sin . what happened? what do you mean? he's in the hospital. queens hospital. but why? he was on duty,he got h. that's all theywould te. let's go. oh, my god. mrs. scarpula's coming over. i'll meet you at the car. oh, my god.. what happened? were you shot? no. switchblade? no. who did this? tell me whodid this to you? what are yougon? you'd be surprised. all right, all right.back it up. let's back it upa little. some guys wererunning a rodeo, and we got the callto shut 'em . wait a minute.r? what is that,

police talk fo? no. it wasa real rodeo, a rootin'-tootin' rodeo. in new york? in queens. it wasan ill. these guys set 'em upin, with animals,rides,. this city'sgot everything. so we roll in,and every. we were runningafter th, and then we realizedsoms were heading downqueens. so i took offafter the horses. you alwayswanted a . about that.ma.ns what happenedto? well, the horseswere too fast, so i gave up. and then i hear,ba-boom, ba-boo. and i look over...and there he . who? a bull. a bull? yeah. a big ol' bull. but he broke loose.,

and then he startedheading righ. oh, my god. what happened? well, i yelled,"hey! hey! bull!" and, i don't know, i guess i distracted him,becaus. and then he turned... and then he startedcoming for m. oh, no. oh, yeah. it was likethat wall street ad. or that malt liquor. so, he's comingtowards me, righ? did you get away? where are we, ma? oh! oh, my god. i'm telling you,the ground, it .

why didn't you run? i did run, dad. situation before,ou'veever beens but the first thing thatcomes t" so i'm runningand running, and he's gettingcloser and clos. and then his horngets me. [gasp] and my feet areoff the ground like...like i'm flying. incredibly painful flying. and then he tosses me asidelike. a couple of snortsement,and he e and lumbers up the rampand into. unbelievable. you were gored. by a freakin' bull. holy crap. but where didhe get you? in my adductor magnus. your what? it's my upper thigh...area.

sounds like hegot you i. i'm not... i'm not laughing. it's horrible.it's horr. i'm not laughing. it's "upper thigh." oh, i hate all thispolice b. i always knewi'd get this c. really? by a bull" call.s beengs it's upper thigh. you're jobis so dangero. they should'veprepared . yeah. they should'vt as one of those clownsi. enough already. this is a seriousin. for your partner.oul hello. check your iv.,o what? what? what? do you realize, in a group that includesyour fa,

you're beingthe most insensitiv? yeah. i don't knowwhat'. he must be tired. come on, he's ok. laughter's the bestmedi? i'm keeping it loose.i'. how aboutkeeping it shut? see, you're funny. you should getin th. pretty lucky. if you're gonna sustain, area like the rump.tualy [laughs] you know, i, uh... i'm gettinga little tired. i really think that'senough vis. you rest, sweetheart. ok. see you tomorrow. all right there, son. take it easy. good job. [groan]