tv FOX 45 Late Edition FOX October 31, 2013 12:35am-1:10am EDT
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where we were discussing the mural that i've commissioned pam to paint there. we were talking about the color schemes and the major themes we want to hit-- children of the world coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. but not in a child labor-y way. - it's just up and down... just a regular nod, like a person. - i am a person. - yes. - of course. you're a person. - yeah. - we can do this, all right? and then we thought we'd... i can't. i just-- i can't carry on with that face. look at it. i'm gonna get nightmares with that face. i mean, he looks like he's laboring over a stool, having just eaten human flesh. - that's a bit extreme. - i'm s--i'm sorry, but that is true. - he's screwed. the meeting's in less than an hour. - okay, i mean, this is a lost cause. he's hopeless. - ten years ago, i didn't care if dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor. but having kids makes you so soft. i used to watch pulp fiction and laugh, and now i'm like, "that poor gimp is somebody's child." you know, i think there could be a lot of benefits
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if you could learn to get along with women. - look, i have no problem with women. it's businesswomen and their-- their power suits and their shoulder pads. don't lie about your shoulders. - dwight, listen to me. businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. who's a nice, reasonable person in your experience? - i had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently. - okay, so, when you're selling to this woman, just imagine she's that nice, reasonable barber. - okay, i can do that. - mm-hmm. good. baby steps. - he used to fight dogs. - like, he used to make dogs fight, or he actually fought dogs? - little of this, little of that. - which one is the instructor? they're all fatties. - angela, angela. - [gasps] what? where? - stairs, the stairs. - oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god. - oh, so wait. blake is a her. - oh, my god.
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she's so stunningly tiny. she's like a petite double zo for sure, for sure. holy cow, look at what they're doing. - she's repositioning his hips for downward-facing dog. - [gasps] i've heard of this-- dog style. oh, wait. oh, look, oscar. [gasps] thumbelina has a boyfriend. and he has a ponytail? ew. i'd like to see that run for office. oscar, you were right. i had nothing to be worried about. thank you. let's go. let's go. - no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - ow. - shut up. hold on, hold on, hold on. shh. just--sorry. look. - [imitates missile whistling] - oh. - this is fun. - oh-- - you know? this is fun. - what i was saying is the genius of air jordan was not in the market saturation, it was in-- [saw buzzing] uh... - what? - sorry, um... - jim, we're having a lot of trouble hearing you. - the--the--the--what i was saying is the real genius was-- [car alarm blaring]
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- hey! are those skateboarders back? - jim? jim, are you there? - where are they? - it was, uh... - little punks. - it was in the authentic design, right? so, i mean, you really felt like michael jordan was wearing these shoes-- - jim! who was messing with my van? - nobody! - jordan wore them for nobody? - no, no, no... - we're not following you, halpert. - this ends now! - have a seat. um, she will be right in. - oh, great. oh, i'm sorry. do you mind telling me her name? i realized we don't have it. - uh, she'll be right in. - okay, great. - she--okay. - just a little off the top and then a nice combing. yeah. just comb it. - oh, my god. it's jan. - oh, dear god in heaven.
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- jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people i have ever met. - you son of a bitch. you're firing me? - i'm in an interview. - where the hell do you get off? - jim and i are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant hunter. he was 17. but she looks great. if she asks, will you tell her i said that? forget everything we taught you. you tell us what you want to pay, and we give you a range of coverages to choose from. who is she? that's flobot. she's this new robot we're trying out, mostly for, like, small stuff. wow! look at her go! she's pretty good. she's pretty good. hey, flobot, great job. oops. [ powers down ] uh-oh, flobot is broken. the "name your price" tool, only from progressive. call or click today.
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in the morning is easy. pop them in, go about your business, and in just 15 minutes, your family can enjoy warm fresh from the oven biscuits. pillsbury grands biscuits. et the making begin. so i should probably get the last roll... yeah but i practiced my bassoon. [ mom ] and i listened. [ brother ] i can do this. [ imitates robot ] everyone deserves ooey, gooey, pillsbury cinnamon rolls. make the weekend pop.
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just to tell you our products get the job done. instead, we give you $7.00 off disney's planes when you join scott shared values. ♪ sign up at scottbrand.com ♪ - hey, jan! it's so great to see you. - where's wallace? - what? - i was under the impression david wallace would be coming. he bought back dunder mifflin, correct? - hey. your daughter could be a bubble-bath model. i could just bite her head off. [laughs] - sorry. um, david is in vermont. did you speak with him? he sent dwight instead. - molly! david wallace is in vermont. - oh, my god. um, i talked to his assistant. and i guess it did get a little confusing 'cause you said not to tell anyone your name. and then also, these bluetooths are very hard to hear with. i know you love the way they look, but tom never had us use them-- - molly. i am not tom. i am jan. - i'm so sorry, jan.
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- anyway... i thought it would be fun to have a little chat with, uh, david wallace after all these years. oh, well. what are you doing? - listening. - stop. stop that. - sorry. okay. - so this was all just a trick. you don't really have any business to give? - no, i-i do. - but not to us. - insightful, pam. - you did good, dwight. it's okay. seriously, jan's not normal. let's just go. she's not gonna sell to us. - yes, she is. now, i may not have any instincts with women, but i have an instinct for sales. you keep her occupied. i'll be right back. - what? - [growls] - pam. - yeah. - i'm a very busy woman, so... - yeah, um... do you have any other pictures of astrid? - fine. i will show you one slideshow.
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- erin, did this call-- - uh! sorry. i just-- i saw your face. - oh. i'm sorry. it's for the thing. - i know. that's great. it just--it makes it look like there's an eyebrow in the middle of your face. - wow. - a handsome eyebrow, but, um... it makes your mouth look like an eye socket, which isn't bad. - uh-huh. - but, um, you look like a cyclops whose eye... fell out... which is great. it's such a great cause. - yeah. - [chuckles] - ♪ mommy, you're a princess ♪ ♪ mommy, you're a superstar ♪ ♪ mommy, you're the greatest ♪ ♪ how can i ever fill your sho-o-o-es? ♪ [sustaining note] - wow. your voice is as lovely as ever. - aw.
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- and it is so cute how she signs her name. - [chuckles] well, that--that was-- that was me too. - oh, okay. it's just that's how cece does it with the backwards "e"s. - cece can't spell her name. - oh, actually, she can. - well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? i mean, "cece" is two letters, and "astrid" is... i mean, there's even some adults who--who--who can't spell it. - of course. - can you spell it? try to spell it, pam. - um... "a"... "x"? i don't--you got me. - don't patronize me. - [whispering] i'm so sorry. i hate this. you're better. - [whispering] okay, we should go now. let's go. - [stammering wildly] just wait. just a minute. just watch. [scoffs] - wait. why are you-- oh, are you getting your jollies right now? can't get enough of the show? your jollies are all on fire-- - please. it's robert who's enjoying it. - what?
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- this could be the affair that you're scared of. politicians are wonderful liars. you never know who they really are. but, uh, he's probably not gay. he's straight. he's straight, so... - mm. excuse me. could i get some more water? - no. - jan... you thought i had no more cards left to play. well, i've got one. man-boy! the ace of babes. - oh, my god. - where's the quiznos? - you're the quiznos. [chuckles] jan, may i introduce to you your own personal dunder mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. i sensed that molly wasn't quite meeting your needs-- nothing like, uh, your old assistant... hunter. was that his name?
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- i-i-- - hmm? - i don't recall. and, yes, molly is crap. - okay, you do not have to do this. - do what? get into sales? that's what i want. - he's been growing that mustache for weeks. best he can do... so young. - will you, uh... [clicks tongue] you. can you turn around for me, please? dwight, you can go. i will call you in a week oro and let you know whether i want your business. - very good. - do you have a valid passport? [telephone rings] - jim halpert. - hey, it's colin. - hey, man. i am so sorry about that. - i know. don't worry about it. - [laughs] - it's just-- it's not totally working. - yeah. no, i know. this whole telecommuting thing--not ideal. but don't worry. i'll figure it out. - yeah, well, it's not just not ideal. i mean, with you there, i don't know how we're gonna do this.
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- uh, what does-- what does that mean? - oscar, what is happening here? why would you say you think the senator might be gay? - i don't know, angela. i'm dehydrated. maybe... you heard me wrong. we should just go. - look, look, look. here he comes. here he comes. - what is he doing? - he's making a phone call. - oh, oh! [phone vibrates, rings]
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♪ smile on your brother ♪ everybody get together ♪ try to love one another ♪ come on, people, now [ female announcer ] breyers. the taste you've loved for over 140 years. ♪ right now the taste you've loved for over 140 years. - oh, hey, molly. um, you should just quit. - yeah. thanks. - yeah. - okay. oh, and, uh, molly... i know it can't be easy working for jan. good luck with your feelings. - dwight, that was really nice. you should ask for her number. - oh, i got her number. 415-ycl. - that's a license number? - that's all you need. and when i have curried favor with her, i will let you know. - oh. why me? - because you are my friend and you are a woman... and women love gossip. it's like air to you people. ugh, god. [retching]
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people with ibd can't wait. won't you help someone you know? [telephone rings] (dwight) last week i gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] and nobody paid any attention. it's my own fault for using powerpoint. powerpoint is boring. people learn in lots of different ways, but experience is e best teacher. today, smoking is gonna save lives.
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[telephone rings] does anyone smell anything smoky? did you bring your jerky in again? [clears throat] oh, my god! uh, oh, my god. whoa. fire! oh, fire! oh, my goodness. what's the procedure? what do we do, people? the phones are dead. oh, how did that happen? it's out in the hall. no, we don't know that. the smoke could be coming through an air duct. oh, my god! okay, it's happening. everybody stay calm. what's the procedure, everyone? what's the procedure? stay [bleep] calm! wait, wait, wait! everybody, now [bleep] calm down! (dwight) no! no, michael, no! touch the handle. if it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway. what does warm mean? [all chatter, groan] mm, not a viable option.
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what next? (michael) don't run! (dwight) oh! here's a door. check that one out. how's the handle? i-it's warm. (dwight) well, uh, another option. [all chattering] bk to our options, jeez! okay, settle down, everyone. no bunching. oh, i forgot my purse. leave i woman! get out of the way. go, go, go! things can be replaced, phyllis. people--human lives-- however, can-- [nervous groaning] ah! my hand! that's hot! aah! this one's hot, too! okay, we're trapped. everyone for himself! okay. let's go! out of my way! let's go! get out of my way. [shouting, nervous groaning] (dwight) calm, please. (andy) get out of the way! (dwight) have you ever seen a burn victim? move it! okay! procedure, procedure. (dwight) exit options. where do we go, folks? wha--use a what to cover the mouth? a what? a rag. a damp rag,erhaps. remember those procedures. what are the options? okay, that's the wrong way. we've already tried that. remember your exit points. exit points, people. oscar. what's next? oscar! stay alive, i'm getting help! pull me up! you're too heavy!
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i only weigh 82 pounds. uh--save bandit! [bandit meows] [bandit screeches] how about 911? anyone? 911. [sighs] what do we do? [coughing] use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. okay, i am not dying here. come on. [sobbing, coughing] [firewos popping] (angela) what is that? what is that? the fire's shooting at us! what in the name of god is going on?! [coughing, alarm sounds] (andy) yes! yes, ba-- yes, battering ram. battering ram. [shouting, screaming] (andy) go, go, go, go, go! [screaming] help! [shouting, coughing] i'm about to die! [all chattering, shouting] [air horn blowing]
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attention! employees of dunder mifflin. this has been a test of our emergency preparedness. there was no fire. it was only a simulation. what?! fire not real. this was merely a training exercise. [coughing] so what have we learned? [coughing] oh, come on. it's not real, stanley. don't have a heart attack. no, no, no. you will not die. stanley! stanley! you will not die. stanley. stanley. barack is president! you are black, stanley! i'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth. no, no, no. don't give him mouth-to-mouth for this. he's gonna swallow his tongue. michael, michael. open your mouth. come on, don't swallow it. [all shouting at once] i'm fine! leave me alone! (andy) you're choking him! saving him! [cheerful music] ♪
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a lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. electricity. shampoo. you could have burned down the whole building. i just want to say for the record, i did not kill anyone. stanley was attacked by his own heart. and he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days. did you shout, "fire!", causing a panic? yes, i shouted, "fire!" i shouted many things. i also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what--heeded-- "hed." "hedded." heeded of-- when no one "hedded"-- take "hedded" of. n-no one would take "hedded" of my instructions. heed. heed. take heed of. so you-- and, well, i don't see my coworkers-- take heed of. hee--heeding this right now. wait--what?
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okay. [sighs] [sighs] this city... dwight. we are not mad, we are just disappointed. no, we are mad. yes. we are. (michael) we are livid. but we are going to let this one slide. no, we're not. i am not a mind-reader, david. [stammers] look, this is a very serious offense. we have cause to fire you. can you shove down? instead... shove down, please. instead, what i think we should do is strip you of your title as safety officer. no. and we should take a part of his pay and donate it to the charity of your choice. something that dwight doesn't like. peta. michael, you have to take responsibility here.
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one of your employees had a heart attack. he could have died because of the way you're allowing your office to run. do you want that on your conscience? do you? michael. you talking to me? yeah. what? nobody should have to go to work thinking, "oh, this is the place that i might die today." that's what a hospital is for. an office is for not dying. an office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... an office is a place where dreams come true. shh! don't excite him. don't make him excitable. [whispering] welcome back, stanley. thank you, michael. (stanley) it's true. around this office, in the past, i have been a little abrupt with people.
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not maybe. yes or no. no way. uh-uh. are you from another planet? boy, have you lost your mind? 'cause i'll help you find it. did i stutter? i'm done. good-bye. but the doctor said if i can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, i'm going to die. andy. [with british accent] a throne for your highness. i'm not sitting in a wheelchair. no, no, no. no debate. you are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet. i'm going to die. you tell us what you want to pay, and we give you a range of coverages to choose from. who is she? that's flobot. she's this new robot we're trying out, mostly for, like, small stuff. wow! look at her go! she's pretty good. she's pretty good. hey, flobot, great job. oops. [ powers down ] uh-oh, flobot is broken.
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just to tell you our products get the job done. instead, we give you $7.00 off disney's planes when you join scott shared values. ♪ sign up at scottbrand.com ♪ and that stands for airway, breathing, and circulation. okay, you know what? that could be a little confusing because in sales, a, b, c means "always be closing." (dwight) this is a farce. i should be teaching this course. shut it. shut it. we found ourselves on the less-prepared side of things when stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. and i knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense, i had no idea what to do. so i thought we should have a cpr training class. and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. red cross, you know, racket. i can't keep doing this forever.
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it's been 20 seconds. call it. would you like to try next? absolutely i would not. you know who i really think should go? stanley. oh, i don't know. that's not a good idea, michael. come on. he needs to rest. no rest for the sick. we are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. what are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops? i would die. and you're okay with that? i'm okay with the logic of it. uh-uh. no, no, no. come on. get up. let's do this. (stanley) yes, i had a heart attack. i would quit, but i'm too old to find another job. and i don't have enough saved to retire. i feel like i'm working at my own casket. come on, stanley. you're losing you. you're losing you. do it! michael. this is you we're talking about. michael. okay, okay. i'll show them. here we go.
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(michael) [whispering] stanley. all right. (rose) so assessing the situation, are they breathing? no, rose. they are not breathing. and they have no arms or legs. no, that's not part of it. where are they? (michael) you know what? if we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? i mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? i would want to live with no legs. how about no arms? no arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, kevin. you don't do anything. (rose) all right, well, let's get back to it. 'cause you're losing him. okay, too fast. everyone, we need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute. a good trick is to pump to the tune of staying alive by the bee gees. do you know that song? yes, yes, i do. i love that song. [clears throat] ♪ first i was afraid ♪ i was petrified no, it's-- ♪ ah, ah, ah, ah ♪ stayin' alive, stayin' alive ♪ okay, yes, i got it. you were in the parking lot earlier. that's how i know you.
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