you're fired. you need to pack up your things and go. [laughs] i'm serious, stanley. it's over, i'm sorry. you're fired. get your fingers off my phone. [laughs harder] so, how did it go with stanley? how--how'd he take it? he wouldn't listen to me. oh, come on. if you wanna fire him, you're gonna have to tell him yourself. i don't wanna fire stanley. i never said that. i'm certainly not going to do it myself. get those big, baleful eyes staring at me. yikes. okay, just-- cumberland mills? and how did you get my résumé? oh, no, no. i'm very flattered. don't get me wrong. i'm just not sure that it's my official resume, or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. what does it say under martial arts training?

oh, okay, i'm gonna have to supplement that. could i have your fax number? would i ever leave this company? look, i'm all about loyalty. in fact, i feel like part of what i'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. but if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, i'm going wherever they value loyalty the most. so you got the fax? so why didn't you add it to the res-- what do you mean? of course martial arts training is relevant. oh, excuse me. i know about a billion asians that would beg to differ. uh, yeah, i get a little frustrated when i'm dealing with incompetence. well, you know what? you can go to hell too. and i will see you there... burning. fine. okay, wait. so you'll let me know whenou've made a decis-- jim is really talented. and he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. like, for real.

don't take this the wrong way, but you should go for that job. um, it's in maryland. yeah. but, i mean, look at the salary. and it's definitely a step up. and a challenge. yeah. yeah, you know what? maybe-- maybe i will. jim... this is called leveraging an offer. michael, can i talk to you for a moment? oh, god. i just thought you should know that i was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at cumberland mills. fantastic. and i turned it down. what? that would've solved all my problems.

out of loyalty to this company... oh, you idiot. so i was hoping to be made assistant regional manager. if you left, i wouldn't have to fire anybody. but then you wouldn't have me here. big deal, oh, it would've worked out so well. can you get it back? it's in maryland. you can call. can you call 'em? i can't--i--i suppose i--no. they never really made me an offer anyway. [growls] why are you torturing me? god. honestly, i don't think michael has the slightest clue of who he's going to fire. i think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. but in the end, really what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. [clicks tongue] and therein lies the true essence of his charisma. [clears throat] can i speak to you a minute? um...yes.

♪ ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's so groovy now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪

[ man ] adventure, it means taking chances. it means trying something new. [ woman ] just, that uncertainty of what's to come. [ man ] just kidding. ♪

can you pleae stop doing that? ♪ [ woman ] you walk outside in brooklyn, and it's cement and broken glass. and this is just like... the opposite of that. ♪ the opposite of that. michael, i really didn't mean to-- help me. i'm sorry? i want you to role play firing me. i want you to fire me, and i will take it. oh, you want me to be you? yes. i want you to be me, and i will be creed. oh, are you firing creed? no, no. no, that's just first--thing. can't--in head. we should switch seats in order to... yes, that's a good idea.

excuse me. [clears throat] i'm really sorry, but i have to let you go. and it's purely budgetary. it's not personal-- [screams] i'm gonna kill myself! wow. i'm going to kill myself! and it's your fault! that's an overreaction. corporate is really breathing down my neck. and they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month. is this you? are you being you, or is this creed? i--this is creed. okay. i'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings] and i'm very angry. hold that thought. creed? michael scott here. i'm gonna kill you for firing me. toby? mmm-hmm? i really have to take this, creed, so it was really worth-- get off, get off. no, no. just, just--yeah. [sighs] [door closes] what happened? it wasn't me. oh.

that was, like, crazy. i know. 'cause i was-- uh, hey, creed? huh? could i talk to you for a second? you are great. very ambitious. and i feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. and i understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings and fly the coop. what are you telling me? we're gonna have to-- you--you want something better. no, i don't. i wanna stay right here. no, you wanna leave. no, i wanna stay here. why are you making this so hard? i think there's a misunderstanding, michael. i think you're right. can i go? no, of course, you can't go. we haven't even started this horrible process of--

okay, creed, i need to let somebody go today. they told me i need to let somebody go. and as much as i think you're a great guy, and i like you, you're--you're, good-bye. let's fight it. hmm? let's call jan, and fight this thing together like the old days. what old days? what are you talking about? did you start the paperwork yet? it's right here on the desk, yeah. you don't have to do this, michael. i can't-- undo it! (michael) i can't change anything. (creed) no, you have the power to undo it. you undo it. michael, undo it. yeah, i went hunting once. shot the deer in the leg. had to kill it with a shovel. took about an hour. why do you ask? i have to fire someone today. okay? fine. fire someone else. fire devon, he's terrible. i am so much better at my job than devon. okay, well, i already picked you. and you know that. so, unless i just go through with this,

you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you. no, no, no, no, no. i will forget so fast. you will be my savior. you're the guy who gave me my life back. thank you. i knew you'd see my way, michael, god bless you. you're a fine man. don't... listen, you will not regret this either. devon's terrible. no one's gonna miss him. [imitates durante] good, good, good. devon, could i talk to you for a sec? creed's an idiot. you know that. well, he... no, no, no, no, no. you had it right the first time. well, maybe i did. exactly. you gotta go with your gut, man. huh. well... no, i can't-- no. i can't go back. i would look like an idiot.

that's why i'm being fired? no. so you might not look like an idiot? no. it was all the stuff that i said. it was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and-- this is unbelievable! i just hope that you and i can remain friends. (michael) devon, wait...please. look, look. in addition to severance, and everything, i want to give you this gift certificate to chili's. from me. okay? no hard feelings. kevin, jim, pam, kelly, toby, oscar, meredith, phyllis, stanley, or the temp. if any of you wanna meet me for a drink, i'm gonna be at poor richard's. and the rest of you can go to hell. what about the halloween party?

(pam) oh, hey, jim. wait, stop. um, i'm sorry for pushing you toward cumberland. seriously, if you left here, i would blow my brains out. [both laugh] come on. that's just a figure of speech, you know? blow your brains out? come on. all it really means is that we're friends. i mean, who else is she gonna talk to if i'm gone, right? i mean, if she left i wouldn't blow my brains out. of course, i would take that job in maryland. because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.

"and what do you do?" "oh, i sell insurance like no one else." "oh, that's nice." "thank you." now, that's progressive. call or click today. hey! have you ever tried honey nut cheerios? love 'em. neat! now you on the other hand... you need some help. why? look atchya.

what is that? you mean my honey wand? [ shouting ] [ splat ] come on. matter of fact. [ rustling ] shirt. shoes. shades. ah! wow! now that voice... my voice? [ auto-tuned ] what's wrong with my voice? yeah man, bee got swag! be happy! be healthy! that's gotta go too. ♪ hey! must be the honey! [ sparkle ] sweet.

i love halloween. ♪ hey! must be the honey! you, know it's just-- it's just fun. every year, it's just fun. last halloween, i came as janet jackson's boob. [scoffs] it was topical. people got a big kick out of it. the year before that, i came as monica lewinsky. and i wore a stained dress. the year before that, i also came as monica lewinsky. and before that, i was o.j. it was pretty funny. oh, i wish you were here last year. [doorbell] (children) trick or treat!

[laughs] hey! how you doin'? wow! you guys look great. i'm a bumblebee. you look great. and you're a princess? a fairy princess. you're very-- i'm a lion. you're a lion. wow, i want to hear your-- oh, okay, that's all yours. that's all yours. grab it, grab it. you know what? you guys are getting all of these.

♪ smile on your brother ♪ everybody get together ♪ try to love one another ♪ come on, people, now [ female announcer ] breyers. the taste you've loved for over 140 years. ♪ right now

the taste you've loved for over 140 years. i don't get it. do i stress you out? nothing stresses me out. except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. [murmurs] speaking of which-- remember when people used to say "boss" when they were describing something that was really cool? like... "those shoulder pads are really boss, man." "look at that perm. that perm is so boss." it's what made me want to become a boss. and i looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. but now, boss is just slang for "jerk in charge."

okay, everybody. i figured it out. the reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. you are keeping these feelings inside, and that is causing stress. so what is the solution? solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. in short-- a vacation. it--what? no. no, i am talking about a roast! of michael scott. oh, come on! who here has the comedy central roast channel? you've seen it, right? everybody gets together, and you start hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody is hugging each other. michael, are you serious? you really want us to roast you? mmm, si nor. that's offensive. it's not! it's not offensive during a roast. anything goes. and i want you guys to really get cracking on this. i want you to take me down. don't hold back. i want you to really

make fun of anything about me. it could be my race, could be the fact that i'm so fit, or i'm a womanizer. fair game. whatever. i don't want to write your stuff for you. but i just want it to be good. oh, my god. oh, man. [laughing] oh, my god. i consider myself a good person... but i'm gonna try to make him cry. (michael) i can already feel people's stress starting to melt. i think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. i have got to make sure that youtube comes down to tape this. [cheerful music] ♪

could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. mmmhmmm...everybody knows that. well, did you know that old macdonald was a really bad speller? your word is...cow. cow. cow. c...o...w... ...e...i...e...i...o. [buzzer] dangnabbit. geico. fifteen minutes could save you...well, you know.

so that's the stage? fifteen minutes could save you...well, yo yes.w. all right, yeah. you know, that'll work. that'll work for my roast. supposed to be working as a warehouse. well this is all about morale, darryl. i will need a big chair. a comfy chair. like a throne. for the--the man of honor. and i think all the other roasters should be up here on stage as well. everyone's on the stage? yeah, like a comedy central roast. who's in the audience? the audience will be in the audience. we'll charge $10 a head. charge who? we'll need alcohol. because that's very important for a roast. we'll need to get people drunk. and you need something to spit. ah, [mocks spitting]. you gonna be spitting in here? spit takes. yes, i'll be doing some spit takes. if it's funny enough. or i will do finger guns. or... [exaggerated laugh]

right. sammy davis jr. move. but you know that. what else could i do when i'm laughing? there he is. everyone's favorite redhead. hey, dwight. what's up? hi, toby. nothing. just wanted to come by and make some small talk. talk about your work. if you're enjoying it. you want me to sign your form? well i hadn't even thought about that, but well since you ask. wanna order some girl scout cookies from my daughter? girl scouts? i don't know. i think it's kind of dangerous to teach young girls self-esteem and leadership skills. i don't know. maybe the two of us should meet for an hour or two. discuss your progress. i'll take a case of do-si-dos. you really don't have to do that. oh, it's okay. i insist. yeah. i love...do-si-dos.

good. plus i just milked the goats, so. oh. okay. perfect timing. yeah. [phone rings] dunder mifflin, this is pam. oh. hey, mom. no. what did dad say? what did you say to my dad? what? after you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment. oh, my god. pam, i don't know. i--nothing. truly, nothing. i mean, i--i just was honest with him and i-- i'm so sorry, i--i don't know. i'll call him again. [stammers] 50% of marriages end in divorce. so... it was her parents or my parents. what could jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom?

and at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me? ♪ ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's so groovy now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪

it's back. olive garden's buy one, take one, just $12.99. choose one of five amazing entrees to enjoy today, like smoked mozzarella chicken. and take home a second entrée for later. buy one, take one just $12.99. go olive garden. honey, don't use your sleeve. for cold and flu season, there's clorox bleach. may i have your attention? please sign in. sign in on the sign-in sheet. the clipboard. this meeting is mandatory. if you do not sign in, your name will not be counted. thank you.

hey. this is your apology letter. that was the last signature i needed. [michael applauds] whoo! welcome, welcome, welcome! welcome, welcome! you are all jerks. [chuckles] just kidding. not yet, anyway. welcome to the roast of mr. michael scott. if you are here for the grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. so we all know how these work. needs to get crazy. take your best shots. i am going to sit right over "chair" and, uh, whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. okay. lower the mic for the midget. if you ever wondered whether you were michael scott, here's a quiz to help. if you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be michael scott. [laughter] i normally don't enjoy making people laugh.

if you ever called the fire department 'cause you--your head was stuck in your chair, you might be-- (all) michael scott. [laughter, cheers] hey, hey! i don't go make burgers where you work and then tell how to make burgers. [laughs] i have made a list of people that i would make out with before i would make out with michael scott. a turtle. a fridge. (andy) yeah. anybody from the warehouse. [cheers] a wood chipper. kevin. [light cheers] a candle. and lord voldemort. anyway, happy birthday, michael! yeah. you'd be so lucky! [applause] good one. michael-- [sighs] you ran over me with your car. [rim shot] you posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said, "gross." well. michael, you are the reason i drink. you are the reason i live to forget.

[makes gunshot noises, light applause] [speaking in spanish] it wasn't hard. i just wrote down some of the stuff that i usually yell on my car ride home. [light applause] (michael) nope. no! friends only. friends only! several times a day, michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary. i know where this is going. do you? no. okay. [laughs] remember spider face? nope. okay. 'cause the quote was, "cut off your nose to spider face." spid--okay. [laughter] yeah. yep. [laughter] how dare you all attack him like this? oh, stop it, dwight. michael is your superior. no, no, no. okay, you should be bowing down in front of him. dwight, you're supposed to do it this way. okay, no, they don't understand who they have. that is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot. you're interrupting me. i am trying to get your back. idiot. idiot. idiot. are you calling me an idiot? idiot. don't you ever talk to me that way. you pathetic, short little man. you don't have any friends or any family or any land.

yeah! [cheers, applause] well, i just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. that man is michael scott. [laughter] he's supporting about 20 nigerian princesses. hey, you know what? [laughter] forgive me for caring, right? well, you know, michael is a great delegator. he never does any work himself--ever. ha ha! ha ha ha ha! and one time i walked in on him naked. and his thing is so small. [chattering, whooping] (kevin) how small is it? if it were an ipod, it would be a shuffle. (all) ohh! uh, can i make just a little announcement? in a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done. something about how much they love them, so just keep that in mind. mike claims we're all a family. we are! isn't that right? we are a family. oh, okay. so, um...

what's his name? all the way in the back, there. oh, very funny. mmm. what's his name? uh... [laughs] i'm thinking roy. roy left years ago. what's his name? i don't believe i have had the pleasure. michael, i gave you a ride home last week and we spent an hour in traffic. what's his name? jefferson. nope. his name is michael. [rim shot] [playing tune of what i like about you] [audience clapping with beat] ♪ what i hate about you ♪ you really suck as a boss ♪ (man) yeah! ♪ you're the losiest, jerkiest ♪ ♪ and you're dumber than applesauce ♪ ♪ we're stuck listening to you all day ♪ ♪ stanley tried to die just to get away ♪ ♪ well, it's true ♪ that's what i hate about you ♪ ♪ that's what i hate about you ♪