what kind of girl stuff? i don't know. i don't know. bubble bath, tryin' on outfits, walkin' around with a book on her head. whatever helps you sleep at night, peaches. y, look, don't care what you think, all right? you don't have the facts. debra has a mustache. do you mean a lover? no! no, no, mom! it-- could you please never say the word "lover"? i mean, she's got a--a-- a lipular forestation. you know... fuzz thing. that's all.

she just needs time for that kind of... maintenance. hey, i don't want to alarm you, son, but even if she had a big woolly, lumberjack beard, she wouldn't need a whole afternoon. raymond, there's something going on. all right, i don't care what she's doin' over there, all right? i gave her some time alone, and whatever she's doin', it's all right with me, all right? i totally understand, so let's just drop it. it's eatin' you up alive, isn't it, kid? no! no, it isn't. where u goin'? i'm goin' outside, all right, huh? or do yothink you're the king of where i go? 'cause you're not, ok? nobody is!

very good, robbie. team effort. [sobbing]

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hey... robert? yeah? what are you doin'? physical therapy. what do you want? she--she was cryin'. what? debra was crying? yeah. what did you do? noth-- i didn't--nothing. it's just i loed in the window, and she was sittin' on the couch, crying. well, i didn't tell you to go spy on her. yeah, all right. i already got that lecture from the mailman. well, was she watching a sad movie? no. the tv wasn't even on. what's she cryin' about? what are you askin' me for? go talk to your wife. i can't talk to her now. she'll know that i was lookin' in the window. looking in the window.

all right, so don't ask her. just go back over there and see what's wrong. you know, be a husband! yeah, yeah. yeah. she could have done so much better. honey? hello? yeah. hi, ray. i'm right here. oh, hi. hi. hey, i'm not here. you're still alone. [chuckles] that's ok. what's up? nothin'. i just came by 'cause my mom wants her big spoon back. you know how she is with that damn big spoon. so i'll just-- i'll get that, and i'll be on my way, then. the spoon. ok. there it is. ok. here you go. see you later. ok. how you doing? you all right? you ok? yeah, i'm fine. ok. good, good. we're good over there, too. heh... so you're good? you didn't, like, stub your toe or anything?

stub my toe? yeah. you know, it's like... it's like an expression. i made that up. it's like when you're in a play, you say, "break a leg." this is like... it's like a small, if you were, like, a small place-- that doesn't make sense, but that's... all right, let' me get the big spoon back. ok, see you later. i don't get it. she still cryin'? no, no. she's fine. it-- it was spooky. what are you doin' now? clenches. oh. will you stop workin' your ass for a minute?

98... 99... 100. yeah. let that bull try me now. i could open a jar of pickles with this thing. what's goin' on? i mean, why is debra cryin'? well, obviously she's upset, and she doesn't want you to know. what did you do? i don't know. i... i joked around a little about the old cookie duster. that's all. well, maybe you hurt her feelings. no. she was a little annoyed. it was 2 days ago, and she made 100 jokes about my big nose, ok? it's over. all right, other than the crying, has she been acting differently? no! no. she's been actin' normal. oh, no. what? "acting normal." what if the-- what if the whole thing's an act. what if the crying is real and all the rest is an act? you know, the whole, "oh, you're a wonderful husband, ray. "oh, oh, we have such a happy life, ray.

"i love you, ray. bye, ray. i hate ray." i could see that. come on. no. i mean, it-- it makes sense. it makes sense. she's always complaining about me. i fall asleep with the tv on. i don't help out around the house. she bought me that expensive mouthwash. i never use it, right? she can't take it anymore. nah. that's not it. but i don't want to lie to ya. a couple of minutes with the mouthwash would be time well-spent. she thinks i'm a lousy, bad-breath husband. look, it's not like debra didn't know what she was gettin'. yeah, all right, but after 10 years now, she's sick of it, but-- but she could tell me. she could talk to me. she tells me everything else. why is she sittin' there cryin'? i feel for you, cubby.

hi, honey. hi. oh, hey, let me get that for you. that's ok. i got it. i want to put that away for you. what's wrong with you? i want to help out around here. let me put the laundry away! where's it go? would you just let me do it, please, ok? what's the matter with you? oh, nothin', just tryin' to pitch in. that's all. h-h-how are you? what? h-h-how are you? that's nice, huh? smells minty. tryin' to prove to me you haven't been drinking? i'm sorry i've been kinda jerky the last couple of years. who said you were jerky?

you don't have to say it. i know. what do you mean, you know? look, you don't have to hide your feelings. i know why you cry. what are you talking about? were you watching me today? it's ok. oh, my god! ray, i tell you i need privacy so you spy on me? it's not spying if you love the person. that's what peeping toms say. look, that's not the point. you regret your life with me. i do not! oh, don't insult me, ok? come on. we both know that i'm lazy, i don't help out with the kids, and until recently, my breath has been questionable. you know, now i almost hopeou've been drinking. come on. look, i'm trying to make an effort here! yeah? why don't you try not spying on me? if you thought i was a better husband, i wouldn't have to spy on you. you are an egomaniac.

what? you think everything's about you. my crying had nothing to do with you. you want to know why i was crying? 'cause i was in the mood. in the mood? yeah, that's right. i just felt like it. it's cathartic. all right, we have to get a dictionary for in here. you know that commercial where the little kid's makin' soup for his sister and how every time it comes on, i get all choked up? yeah. ok, i like that. sometimes i just like to cry. it's like a release. so you saw the soup commercial this afternoon? no. i was just in the mood, and i made myself cry. well, how do you do that? i take my mascara off, and sometimes i put on a sad song, and i make a crying face, and it just comes out. what song? theme from ice castles. really? yes. i was having a good cry. that's all it is.

haven't you ever heard of somebody singin' the blues? so, all of a sudden, you're this old blues-sing' guy with a mustache? see? that's why i wanted alone time today because obviously this isn't something i can explain to you. ok, so you cry because i'm stupid. i eat ice cream because you're stupid. look, i--i just don't like you cryin'. oh...tsk... ray, listen, here. come here. just...sit down, ok? i just-- i don't know how i can explain this to you. i want you to understand, but i just like doing it. it makes me feel good. ok. look, haven't you ever just felt like crying? yeah. when somethin' happens, you know?

when i slam my finger in a car door. uh... i mean, i'm a human being, but i don't like to cry. i don't schedule time to cry. maybe you should. maybe that would be good for you. all right, i'll get my calendar and put "teardrops on wednesday." ok, ray. ok. you know what? i want to just give you something to think about, ok? just look at me. what? look at me. look at me! i just want you to feel some honest emotions, and then let's see how you do with that, all right? ok... the night ally was born. remember that? that was this really long labor, and you were so worried about it. and then she came, and, oh, my god, she was just... so beautiful. and then the doctor handed her to you, and he said... "here's your daughter." ha ha ha!

you are a monster! i'm not a monster. i'm just-- ok, then i cried, but you're tryin' to-- you're tryin' to manufacture this thing, and you're makin' that--that face. it's, uh... it's just-- it's--it's funny. that's fine. that's fine, ray. it's funny. all right. i feel good, though. i do. maybe you should schedule time for laughing. ok. uh, heh... how about the time you were in the fifth grade, and you came home, you found out your parents gave your dog away? that's not funny. and how did that make you feel? shut up. how'd you feel about that ray, huh? what was your dog's name? shamsky, number one, wasn't it? they gave your dog away. boo hoo hoo hoo. you! ah! ah! come on! hey, uh... if you hit me-- i'll cry if you hit me.

come on. what? all right, so i didn't cry. what's the big deal? just forget it, ray. i mean, i'm trying to get you to understand something, but i guess it doesn't matter. tsk! all right, how about this? i got a great idea for tomorrow. since you like to be alone and cry and my mom likes to be with the kids and i happen to like golf... i have a better idea. remember how you wanted to help me with the laundry earlier? uh-oh. there's 2 more loads downstairs. honey--honey, listen-- and then you need to go to your folks' house and get the kids and take them shoe shopping. oh, my god! what happened? no! come on! we were just talking here! oh, yeah. well, i like that. i like that you want to be a better husband. yeah, but i want to do it gradually! come on. how about-- how about i'll let you cry and i won't even look in the window. and keep usin' that mouthwash. oh, come on. no. this--this--this hasn't worked out well.

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[theme to icecastles, "through the eyes of love" plays]

[music stops] ["lady marmalade" plays] captioning made possible by talk productions

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oh, hi, dear. hey. ya hungry? nah, i'm good. debra made lunch. heh heh heh. heh heh heh. i'm hungry. come on. oh, a wonderful sense of humor. robbie, i'm gonna do a load of your socks and underpants. are you wearing today's underpants or yesterday's? they're fine, ma. no, no. let me see. no, no, no. no, no, no, no! no. come on! robert! you know the most important pants a person has? underpants. i know, ma. you remember when you ran out of underpants that time? it was the fifth grade, ma. and you had to wear a pair of raymond's underpants to school? ew! you never told me that. i'm checking your dresser.

hey, ray, you hear my imitation of robert's tushy cushion? "how about a salad, fatso?" a salad. oh, man. talking tushy cushion. that's clever. yeah. you should hear his new bit about the toilet seat talking to me. how do you do it? how do you live with them? if i were you, i'd be wiping off my fingerprints and rehearsing my 911 call. you get used to 'em, you know? it's like an impacted wisdom tooth. without the wisdom. my tv guide is missing. i left it on the sofa armrest, and now it's not on the sofa armrest. where is my tv guide? ma had it last. marie, tv guide!

yeah, heh heh. got to have a little fun, right?

you and me watchingh? the ball game. oh, yeah. yeah, this is nice. you know, there's another game next week. shut up. it's back on. hey! listen, is robert around? uh, marie took him to his doctor's appointment. oh, good, 'cause i wanna talk to you guys. ah, good lord almighty. what? listen up. i've been thinking about what to get robert for his birthday. uh, all right. all i have is a 10. can this be for christmas, too? heh heh. heh. hey, can i go halvsies with ya? ok, you know, that's exactly why we need to do something nice for robert. because not only did he get gored by a bull, but he's had to put up with that kind of stuff for 3 months. what does she want, another 10?

hey, how did robert's appointment go? not good. what do you mean? what happened? i asked the doctor about the clicking in my jaw when i chew sometimes... and he said there isn't much i could really do about it. i have a suggestion. what about robert? oh, no, he's good. his therapy's going very well. in fact, he can move back into his apartment in 3 weeks. oh, my god, another 3 weeks? hey, robert. hey, robert! well, i suppose you heard my wonderful news. yeah, 3 more weeks! 3 more weeks. oh, listen, 3 more weeks! if you say it like that. here, let me try... bubonic plague! hey, what do you got, is that a new cushion?

whoo. boy, i wish i had one of those. man, that is...sweet. robbie, 3 more weeks is not so bad. your father and i will help you with your stretching. i just wanna say, if you do the one where you throw your legs over your head, all baggage must be completely stowed. all right, go ahead and laugh. that's what everyone else does. robert, listen. we were just talking about your birthday. oh, yeah, yeah, my birthday. happy birthday to the middle-aged man who's back living with his parents. ♪ and many more oh, you drank all the coffee. [mutters] raymond! hello, son. yeah.

we were just having some coffee. would you like me to make you some? no, no, thanks. uh, how are you? what's going on? what do you mean? why'd you tell me to come over? what? we like you. can't we just wanna see you? is that such a crazy-- robert's killing us. i can't take it anymore. what are you talking about? your brother. he's a jerk. no, he's not a jerk, frank. he's acts like it's so horrible having to stay here with us. it's not pony ride for us, either. he won't even do his exercises. he jt sits around the house insulting us. this morning, he told me that my pancakes were...dry. and yesterday, he told me i smelled like a billy goat. which wasn't true yesterday. raymond, please talk to him. what? no, no. no way. come on. he's your brother. he's your son! you're gonna throw that in my face? raymond, we don't know what else to do. look, he's probably just going stir crazy here, huh?

i have an idea-- why don't you guys move? why would you say that? hmm... i'll talk to him. i don't understand why you would want us to-- i'm talking to him! hey. what, are you stretching? no. i dropped a fruit loop under the couch. ahh... so, mom and dad starting to get to you? starting to get to me? they've burrowed into my head, and they sit on my brain, poking the backs of my eyes. yeah, they'll do that.

maybe you should cut 'em some slack. what? yeah, 'cause they mean well, you know? well, mom means well dad's just mean. what, they send you in here to talk to me? no, no, not at all. come on, ray. everybody knows you're ma's little lap dog. what are you talking about? she gives you treats, and you scamper around doing tricks like a trained poodle. i think i'll start calling you princess. i'm not a poodle, robert. princess want a fruit woop? what, are you just gonna be a pain in the ass to everybody? ah, yeah, there you go. pain the ass. i get it. that's not what i meant, huh? come on! don't act so innocent, ok? you were the first one to find humor in my... discomforture.

yeah, yeah, thanks for the laughs, funny man. what, so now you're gonna be mad at me now just 'cause you gotta spend 3 more weeks here? oh, how could i be mad at you...princess? you are a jerk. how'd it go in there? yeah, i, uh, stuck my fingers in his fruit loops. what the hell is that? get back in there. no, no. look, he's out of his mind. no, don't leave, please. here, have a brownie. one. aw, a tweat for mommy's schnookums. ma, tell him i'm not your lap dog. he's not my lap dog, robert. i just wanna thank everybody for being such a loving family.