- you know, truth be told, i think all you'll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while i'm gone. - we've got all afternoon to talk about that. - morning, folks. - i'll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster. - actually, the surf and turf does come with lob-- - not enough lobster. side order. - how much wine do you have? - i brought you a cookie. - oh, thanks, oscar. you're such an angel. - i just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so...yeah, we're good. yeah. [exhales] we dodged a bullet, yes. okay. yeah. yeah, yeah-- well, i gotta go now, but-- okay, bye. bye. - there we go. [cheers and applause] - nicely done. very nicely done.

- all right, this next one goes to darryl for pocket dialing a customer while having sex. - ooohh...you salty dog. - well, yeah, what can i say, a player's gotta play. - there you go. - actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. but i'm gonna let them think the other thing. - okay, i got this one. - oh, be careful. be careful, be careful. - no, i got it. easy does it, everyone. nobody even take a breath. [overlapping shouts] - kevin! [overlapping chatter] - what did i say? what did i just say? - hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake. just a mistake. that's what this tower's all about-- mistakes. okay, if you're afraid of screwing up, the tower's not for you. show of hands--who here has never had a complaint? that's right. nobody. see that? nobody. okay? let's get back to work, huh? come on, you in?

yeah. there we go. all right, let's do it. - you know, at the end of the day it's really only two days, remember. i mean, i'll be back in the office. if you need me for an emergency, call me. i'll be there-- - you know what? i don't know where the years went. 'cause sometimes when i look at my hands, i don't even recognize them. - tell me about it. - whose hands are these? they're not my hands. i don't know. - all right. you know what? maybe we'll just-- - uhh-- - we'll go slow. - no. jim... [bottle clangs] - all right, check it out, huh? [cheers and applause] like a phoenix from the ashes. ksshhhh! - nice. - pretty soon, we're gonna be at the ceiling. - whoo! - can you hand me a card? - um, it's empty. - what? - oh, come on. we could use a blank card. all: no! - that's cheating. - i could get us a complaint. - you? little miss priss? you wouldn't fart on a butterfly. - no, i wouldn't. i can't even relate to that impulse.

but i bet i could get us a customer complaint. i'd like to try. - hmm. yeah. - all right. - yeah, go, pam! pam... [all chanting "pam"] - what? why did you call me out here? - the target-- it's oscar, isn't it? he and the senator are gaying each other. - i don't know what you're talking about. - your nostrils tell a different story. they flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. hello again, naughty nostrils. - fine! it's oscar. so what? - well, i could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. but a co-worker-- dare i say a friend? - exactly, a friend. someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband. - i can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. but the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me.

- well, you might be right, but it's too late now. - what do you mean? - he's here. - no! no, no! [groans]

- oscar? oscar. oscar. good. listen. hey, come with me. - what? - come--come with me. - what are you doing? - there are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. you have got to see this. they're extraordinary. - yahtzee. - sandwich delivery for mr. oscar martinez.

- i am oscar martinez. - no, not him, not him. outside. outside. - wha-wh-- - you know, there's doughnuts in the break room. - nice! - yeah. - listen, i was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over. - don't be pushy, jim. it's tacky. - all right. phyllis! phyllis, that's-- that's decorative. - no, there's wine in here. - still decorative. - is it white wine? - no. maybe stop with the-- don't poke people with knives. - [groans] ha ha! - phyllis! - wow. - bring it over. - got it. - there's no time to explain. okay, actually, there is time to explain. when angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your kneecaps. - oh, my god! what is wrong with you? - what is wrong with you? there are a million gorgeous guys in the scranton wilkes-barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child? - i don't know what you're talking about.

- oh, don't lie. i'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. now, let's get out of here. he could be right behind us. aah! actually, he's right in front of us. - let's get it on. i'm gonna do this. i might--i might puke, but i'm gonna do this. - no, trevor, i am not gonna let you. he's a dunder mifflin man. he's my tribe. - i'm sorry, dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, i'm gonna follow through on something, all right? i have masculinity issues-- - stop! no! - i got it. - disarm! - you don't-- [all grunting] - don't move. - and disarm now! - okay. okay, okay... - no, oscar, no. no, he's a friend. he's a friend. - okay, the client is heymont brake and tire. they're family-owned, but don't let that take away your edge! - come on, pam, i know you can fail. i see failure in you. - remember, you're a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. like this. - hello, this is pam halpert.

i'm calling from dunder mifflin. yes, your paper provider. and i just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, "hey, kool-aid." yeah, your mama's fat. this is pam halpert. - did she buy it? - did they say anything? - i don't know. i couldn't tell. i don't-- - were they angry? - i--i felt like they were confused, at least. - okay. [phone rings] - dunder mifflin. this is erin. - yes, you can. okay. i will make sure that goes on file. ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client! [all cheer] - nice. nice. - you did good. you did good. - see ya later, heymont. - no. - oh. oh... - if you chase me, i will run so fast. if you cch me, i will bite so hard. - got it? good-bye, my friend.

- what the hell, dwight? - see you later, trevor. - you are incorrigible! - i just saved your life. you're welcome! - you hired someone to hit me with a pipe! - you deserved every bit of it! you made my husband gay. - what--what i did was wrong, and i have to live with that every day. but your husband is gay. he was gay when you married him! - no. no. - angela, until you face that, you're gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. but if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead-- i won't stop you. hit me. you have my blessing. hit me. - well, are you gonna let go of it? because part of the blame is definitely on you. - angela, it's a lead freaking pipe. - god! - aah! - you were supposed to be my friend. - i'm so sorry. angela-- - oscar. - our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to pamela halpert...

[cheers and applause] for insulting a client's recently deceased mother. - yes! - i did not know that. - well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life. - i'm so sorry. - wow. - yeah, that's-- that is terrible. [cheers and applause] - you did it. - yeah! - i feel so stupid. i sit next to him every day. - you're not stupid. jazz is stupid. jazz is stupid! i mean, just play the right notes! - i know. you're gonna be okay, monkey.

- i don't like your friend, trevor. - i don't like him either. and yet, i really like him. - well, we're here. pet. - we're gonna cover for you, you know. [stanley chuckles] - phyllis, what was that? phyllis, are you dreaming, or-- - i did enjoy grinding your beans, son. - yeah, we really did peel your grapes. - this is hilarious, but we're gonna stop with all-- - shuckin' your peas. - shuckin' the peas. you should go back to the first part, though. you are gonna cover for me? - yeah. - of course we are, jimmy. we love you guys. - oh, my god, thank you. thank you.

- if you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea that you can't please everybody all the time. - you paint very bad-- - shut up, hide! i mean, do you think kevin cares what people think about him-- or creed or meredith? [all cheering] oh, my gosh, these are my role models now. you know what? i'm okay with that. unisom sleeptabs help you fall asleep 33% faster and wake refreshed. unisom. a stressful day deserves a restful night.

and wake refreshed. - where does gayness come from, and how is it transmitted?

- that is-- that is a loaded question. - my pastor said it can come from breast feeding. - he said that? - well, he didn't fight me hard on it. - i-i don't know if there's truth to--to, uh, that. - can you become gay from french-kissing another man or is that safe to engage in? - well, how would you do that if you weren't gay? - presumably to get tickets to an event you were interested in. - uh...wow. into an easy dinner with crescent dogs. just separate, add hot dogs, cheese, roll 'em up, and bake. lookin' hot, c-dog. pillsbury crescents. make dinner pop. he loves me. he loves me not. he loves me. he loves me not. ♪ he loves me! that's right.

[ mom ] warm and flaky in 15, everyone loves pillsbury grands! [ girl ] make dinner pop! where teams compete to make the right decisions about safe food preparations. our challenge in this round -- read and follow package cooking instructions, and use a food thermometer. let's see how our teams are doing so far -- team 1? we just got 100 points. we separated our raw food from our cooked food. team 2? we got a 100-point green card for proper hand washing before our meal prep. referee: we've reached a critical safety point in the challenge. okay, team 1, let's check this out. uh-oh, not a safe internal temperature for those hamburgers. that puts everyone at high risk for food-borne illness. you get a red card -- undercooked. always read and follow the package cooking instructions and use a food thermometer. let's see how our winning team cooked it safe and avoided problems. well, i just kept focus on the four food safety steps -- clean, separate, cook, and chill. and we followed the package cookininstructions

and took the temperature. can you cook it safe? [heavy breathing over intercom] [wheezing laughter over intercom] [grunting over intercom] this morning, the phone guy comes in, and he shows michael that our phones have a p.a. function. and then he just left. (michael over intercom) this is your captain speaking. the office wl be flying at an altitude of two stories. look out your left-hand window, and you will see vance refrigeration. [snickering] i am the ghost of salesmen past. do not come near me! [wheezing laughter, coughing] [coughing continues] yes, michael scott for dr. jocelyn, please. hello, doctor. i was just following up about my mole again. no, i was looking online

about sebaceous cysts. i have not been squeezing it. [groans] could i stick it with a pin? ugh. toby flenderson to the principal's office. your mother called. and it appears that you wet the bed again. so you have to get home to wash your sheets because they're yellow and they're wet with your urine. [knocks ♪ you-- and at 6'6" from the university of north carolina, jim halpert! that's pretty funny. [laughs] hey, you know what? did i drop my, uh... what? what the heck... is that, uh... you find it? i didn't. i'll look somewhere else. all right. all right. [door slams] uffd] would you like fries with that? please drive around. [cheerful music] ♪

♪ ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's so groovy now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ just to tell you our products get the job done. instead, we give you $7.00 off disney's planes when you join scott shared values. ♪ sign up at scottbrand.com ♪ and it's just not your day ♪ let the fresh scent take you to a fresher place ♪

♪ ♪ there are some lizards that are eating your legs ♪ [ old spice whistle ] ♪ there are some lizards that are eating your legs ♪ hello. good morning. (pam) morning. you ready? and we're off! like a herd of turtles. [inhales, exhales] (michael) well, pam and i have eloped. actually, we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. [laughing] no. uh, seriously, i am on a lecture circuit. apparently scranton has the best sales of any regional branch, so david wallace has asked me to go to all the branches-- except nashua, so a little bit raw there--

um, but i am going to these branches and i am telling them my secret recipe for success. my 11 business herbs and spices in a sales batter. oh, that. well, that is pam. pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so i can focus. and i like to pack heavy. he brought a sled. no! that is a toboggan. you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill. so...every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and pam is my hot roadie. yeah. i love being on the road. but i especially love the time-and-a-half pay, 24 hours a day, for three days. 'cause i have a mortgage now. gotta bring home the bucks. yeah--oh, don't say "bucks." that's not ladylike. here we go! okay, so what we do is we drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night. separate rooms. well, that goes without saying. i'm gonna say it anyway.

hey! look at what you're wearing again. pam, have you ever seen a magician's assistant? that's... this is a new cardigan. kind of-- [retches] maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something. no. oh--all right. [door slams] hey, kelly. screw you. uh, excuse me. that is no way to address a superior. oh, yeah? screw you, too. (jim) whoa. what was that all about? you forgot her birthday. it was yesterday. go ahead. go ahead. you do it. okay. i insist. basically after phyllis blackmailed angela, michael asked them both to step down from the party-planning committee 'cause there was too much drama what he said was-- just--easy. there was a problem with having one head of the party-planning committee. she becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads. i am a paper salesman.

party-planning is literally the stupidest thing i've ever done in my life. this is humiliating. that's on my side. so this is fun. my birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. (kelly) i got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. there wasn't even a party. i think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl. can i turn on the radio? no. i need silence or sam kinison to prepare. but then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do. then listen to your ipod, pam. that's dangerous. well, then--hey. you know what? let's just talk. that's okay. i can--i'm fine. i'll just play a song in my head. [humming] you nervous about seeing karen again, since she was the other woman? actually, you were the other woman, so... no, that was a long time ago. is that why you're wearing makeup today? no. i'm not even wearing that much. oh, this is a nice office. you don't have to lie.

through here. um, phyllis? who's that? she's out of your league, andy. for your information, i have been with lots of beautiful women. sexually? this conversation is over. we just wanted to say we are very sorry. screw you guys. you're dead to me. if you say "screw you" one more time-- yeah, screw you, beefer. i don't forget your birthday. guys, guys. i would never do that. oh. hey. hey! guys, guys. we just want to make it up to you. what can we do? i guess my only wish would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again. [quietly] oh, god. okay. in a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least i can bear it. what kind of cake do you want, imbecile? ice cream. okay, uh, point at the dunder mifflin.

hello, rolando. how are you? hi. rolando-- [clears throat] i'd like you to meet pam. she is our receptionist. you know what? maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime. [sarcastically chuckles] uh, you're late. everyone's waiting in the conference room. karen will be right here to take you over. okay. don't be nervous. just picture her naked. stop it, please. that's what i do. steal my trick. please, cut it out. (karen) hey. hi, guys. oh, my god. is that jim's? what? of course not. michael! okay. wow. oh, man! my head just exploded. (michael) whoo! thank god. for everybody, right? whoo. 'kay. wow, you're huge! that's incredible! i--god. sorry. sorry, my head is-- i'm just-- i'm trying to figure out the last time that you and jim had sex and-- let's just get this over with, shall we? okay. mm-hmm. ten. ten months?

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go olive garden. so i am collecting $3.00 from everybody for kelly's party. i'd like to contribute. oh, great. there you go.

are you kidding? well, i'm not done yet. dwight. this fits in the palm of my hand. you haven't blown 'em up enough. why have you chosen brown and gray balloons? they match the carpet. what is that? "it is your birthday," period. it's a statement of fact. not even an exclamation point? this is more professional. it's not like she discovered a cure for cancer. i can't believe how bad this looks. are you trying to hurt my feelings? because if so, you are succeeding. fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's. okay, good then. have you collected the money from everyone? i am working on it. how much do you have? $6. that's how much you and i contributed! i-- damn it, jim! i said i was working on it. [sighs] trying to see what cds she's got. it's good to know the deets

about the girl you're wooing. eh...aha! feist. yes! whoa! [car alarm wails] aah, aah! [second alarm honks] [loud honking, wailing] no! oh, my god. oh, no. that is so awful. that is the worst news. i have to go. i have to do a presentation. i'll talk to you-- [michael sighs] this is going to be hard for me to speak today because i just learned that my father has died. [murmuring] no, he didn't! he is alive. and this isn't even a cell phone. this is a calculator. but you bought it! and now you can't return it. or can you? no, you can't. yes. karen, do you need to go pump? not gonna have to do that till after i have the baby. no, i am wondering-- what are you talking about?

i am talking about how you all need to sell an experience. like i sold you on the idea that my father had died. but now we think you're a liar. would a liar bring mini mounds bars? i am a theatrical person. growing up, i always thought i would become an actor because i have these memorization tricks that i use. um, for instance, i learned the pledge of allegiance by setting it to the tune of old macdonald. ♪ i pledge allegiance ♪ to the flag of ♪ of the united states of america ♪ ♪ and to the republic for which it stands ♪ ♪ one nation under god ♪ with a woof-woof here ♪ and a woof-woof there ♪ here a woof, there a woof ♪ ♪ everywhere a woof, woof um, you get it. i don't know you. but i need to know you in order to sell to you.