else needs to end up bald. not that it looks bad, meredith. it looks-- it looks awesome. you look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. a cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. i'm so sorry. we need mayonnaise. we need it now. - oh, uh, uh, i'll go. - okay. - oh, thank you. - you're a saint, pam. - no, it's not a big deal, please, no. uh, meredith, can i get you something special while i'm at the store? candy or--or one of those stylish turbans? - thanks, pam. i'll take a pack of nicorette gum and a pack of kools. - okay. - let's talk pubes, people. - hey, darryl. - oh, hey, val. - darryl... you two still clearly have feelings for each other. - yeah. - what's gonna make you feel better, big guy? - when i was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when i wasn't feeling good. she's not around to do that anymore. i'm sorry. i just need a moment to myself, just to clear my head.

- oh, poor darryl. i can't bear to see him suffer like this. - i think he needs some hugs and maybe some chocolate cake. - mmm. this won't help him. it's a muffin, not cake. - listen, let's try and g darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most. - an escalade. - or what's her name. - val. - let's get darryl val. - i hope you don't mind me bringinyou out here. i can't get my knees under a desk. - are you kidding me? i could literally scalp tickets to this. - well, you think you could sink one from deep? - listen, i don't mean to intimidate you, but i did play a little high school ball. - okay. wow. halpert's got game. all right. [cell phone rings] - oh, sorry. i'm so sorry. this is my wife. cai take this? - if it's your wife, you better take it. - right? [laughs]

hey, what's up? everything okay? - oh, no. everything's great. um, i was just calling to see, uh, how the meeting went. - oh, it's still happeng right now, actually, so-- - he's, uh, really making you work for it, huh? - yes, it is very stressful. are you sure everything's okay? - great. i am killing it over here. [splat] jim, i gotta go. - okay, bye. so sorry about that. - oh, no problem. hey, jim, what size do you wear, man? i got a pair of japanese nikes with your name on 'em. what do you think? - i love it. - once it's all over your head, just leave it there for four hours. that will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffocate, and then pass away. - oh, sure. and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. - put those away before you hurt yourself. [faicips] - [gasps] - oh, god. oh, no. no. no!

no! no! no! no! no! - okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up. - oscar, you want to be my partner? - yeah. yea sure. i'd love to. - hey, uh, mayo buddy, $5 tip, you unclog my ears, okay? - oh, creed, i'm so sorry. i'm--i'm already partners with pete. right, pete? - uh, yeah. we promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up, so, sorry, man. - hey, creed. want to be my budd - oh, god. stuck with the weirdo. - [sighs] [hard slaps] - angela. - you don't want bugs. who knows where those bugs will end up. - you're getting a bargain. i ain't got no hair no more. - [sighs] - creed, i'm all done. my turn.

- i'm sorry, pam. it looks a little messy. - well, wait. - how's that? - i feel it working. [both grunt] - ksk, ksk, ksk, ksk, ksk. - eiffel tower. - oh! [laughs] - now. - can i help you? - well-- - um-- - we don't want to pry, but we heard you broke up with darryl. - yeah, that's true. - we think you made a big, big mistake. - big mistake. - quite enormous. - he's a real catch, and you should take him back. - okay. thank you. is that all? - no. no, that is not all. let me tell you what real life is like. the men dry up, and the nights get lonely. the only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you've never even worn. you stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. you buy a diamond ring for yourself,

wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself you're all you need. one day, you're alone, tired. at your feet, a dying bird. but where did it come from? why did you kill it? it is because, in some strange way, it is you? - thank you all for your concern, but i'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay? - pfft! well. - thank you. thank you. - so does this mean you're gonna take darryl back? - no. - well, then, what would you sa to you and me hitting the town? 'cause i'm free, literally, forever. - yeah, kevin asked me out. i was kind of feeling good about re-entering the dating pool, and then kevin asked me out. thought i might trade up to a new level of man. then kevin asked me out. [phone rings] [mayonnaise splats]

- hello? - hi, honey, it's mom. look, cece's school just called. she still has lice. - what? no, that can't-- i don't-- - now, don't worry, don't worry. i'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. you know, lice can be tricky. sometimes lice, like... [phone clatters] - oh, my god. - shave her head. shave her head!

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- well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, pam. she's a monster. - i meant to say something earlier. i just-- - just? just what? just forgot? who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office? meredith. sure, i gave everybody pink-eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. and, yeah, i bmed in the shredder on new year's, but i didn't bring the lice in. that was all pam. - [amplified] attention, people of the office, you have exactly 60 seconds to evacuate the bullpen. at that time, i will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide as well as-- [all gasp] - dwight, are you okay? - [coughs] whoa. that butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but i don't think it's kicked in yet.

i'm gonna count down from ten. nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [all gasp] - wow. he got to purple. - ow! - sorry. - [chokes and sputters] you're waterboarding me! - oops. - okay, you're up. - yeah, i'm actually kind of sad to see this baby go. - you do kind of look like elvis. - okay. - okay. okay. ithat too cold? - no. actually, it feels kind of nice.

[machine whirring, plastic wrap bubbles popping] - i wonder what happened over there. i've been sitting here the whole time. [machine continues whirring] - okay. - huh? - let's give it a shot. let's make it work. - oh, no. i mean, i want to. i just--i don't want to force you into doing something you don't want to do. - you're not. i believe in us. - but-- i'm back together with val. yay. - [humming] yeah, yeah, yeah. - had a pretty good day today. [coughs] not everything went exactly according to plan, but, lice, if you are watching, i am ready for you anytime, anywhere.

- hey, erin already take off? - i guess so. - okay. - you're kareem, coming to help. - okay, i'm kareem. that makes total sense. i'm kareem. you're dr. j. just sounds weird to say out loud. - and it went like this. [cell phone rings] - and that's all. - that's it. - no one will believe this back home, but that's okay. [phone ringing] let me show you how it's done. - yeah, you show me how to do it. - this is jim halpert. leave a message. [beep] - hey, honey, it's me. just trying to catch you before going home. um, oh, well, just give me a call whenever. hope your day got better. love you. - hey, what you doing right now? - oh, i'm just gonna go home. my mom's been watching the kids all day. - let her stay another hour. let's go get a beer. - really? a beer sounds incredible right now.

- no duh. let's go. you're buying. [laughs] - meredith, i am so sorry about today. - forget about it. - i just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without jim. i mean, i really respect you for being a single mom all these years. it whipped my ass in half a week. i have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you're rocking it. - right? i got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. i'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over. [laughs] - get it, girl!

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he loves me. he loves me not. he loves me. he loves me not. ♪ he loves me! that's right. [ mom ] warm and flaky in 15, everyone loves pillsbury grands! [ girl ] make dinner pop! >> i am on a lecture circuit.s! i'm going around to all the branches, and i'm telling them my secret recipe for success. i have now memorized all of your names. shirty, mole, lazy eye, mexico, baldy. >> hey, kelly. >> screw you! >> excuse me? >> screw you too! >> you forgot her birthday. >> then i turn it on and i say, "prepare yourself for the utica chain store massacre." >> how's jim? >> we're engaged. >> oh, my god, i'm so happy for you. >> oh, well...tha you. >> kelly kapoor spent april, 1995, to december, 1996,

at berks county youth center. juvie. >> you remember holly? she used to work for h.r. she was the love of my life. she just left, and i never got closure. and i feel like i need to go to nashua and get closure. >> okay. let's go. [cheerful music] ♪ >> two? >> i didn't eat lunch. i didn't eat all my lunch. >> hello, everyone. oh, ice cream. nice, kevin. looks good.

>> it...yeah. >> angela, you're more chipper than usual. >> i am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the martin family. she's hypoallergenic. she doesn't struggle when you try to dress her. she's a third-generation show cat. her father was in meet the parents. needless to say, she was very, very expensive. >> how much? >> $7,000. >> for a cat? i could get you a kid for that. >> where'd you get that kind of money? >> i sold andy's engagement ring on ebay. >> wait, you didn't give it back? >> he wouldn't have wanted that. her name is princess lady! >> seven grand. >> mm-hmm. >> i gotta see that little bitch. >> i have something better than a picture. come on. >> you have your cats on nanny cam? >> yeah. [cats mewing] i mean, i usually try to take leave when i get new cat, but i'm out of vacation days. and this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity. i mean, when somebody has a kid, oh, sure take off a year. >> she's right. i had my second kid just for the vacation. >> right. anyways...

i just want to make sure princess lady is acclimating well. she means more to me than anyone. >> any cat, you mean. >> and person. [cats mewing] >> so detour. we're now adding nashua to the lecture circuit so michael can confront holly and get some closure. nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. i don't think they get a lot of visitors. because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. hey-oh! >> [whispering] i've been driving too long. >> what did you do? >> stop yelling at me! >> what did you do? >> i didn't do anything! >> what did you learn in there? i bet you learned things, huh? like how to fashion a shiv, hmm? >> hey, what the hell's going on? >> why don't you tell jim where you were from ages 14 to 15. >> i was kickin' it. >> in juvie. >> what? >> juvie...nile... detention center. >> where they senteenagers-- >> yep. got it.

>> what did you do? huh? >> hey, dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy. >> if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. what did you do? >> my boyfriend dumped me, so i stole his boat. i mean, he told me it was his boat. it was actually his father's. i just thought it'd be really romantic, like thelma and louise, but with, like, a boat. and it was the worst year of my life. and i can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday! >> i thought you said yesterday was your birthday. >> hey, you know what? i got you a cake. >> you did? i want to see the cake. >> and...ta-da! >> i hate it. >> how do you hate it? it's a cake. >> well, there's no flowers or toys or-- i mean, there's nothing on it. where did you even find a cake like this? i mean, it doesn't have my name on it. do you guys know what my name is? my name is kelly! >> right. i forgot if there was an "e" between the "l" and the "y." i still don't know.

>> i mean, i don't even know what the theme is. what's the theme?! >> birthday. >> frosting. >> those aren't themes. there's always a theme. >> there's always a theme. >> nice job on the cake, bozo. >> okay, you know what, next time, i'll let you get the cake, and i get to scream at the birthday girl. >> okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. yeah. [door creaks] >> do i look okay? >> you look good. >> hi. >> hi, can i help you? >> yes, you can. i am michael scott, regional manager of the scranton branch. >> yes, we were expecting you. have a seat. >> thank you. um...is holly flax anywhere here? >> actually, she's on an h.r. retreat for the next three days. >> she's not here?

>> but if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to a.j. he's a salesman here. >> a.j. >> yeah, he's her boyfriend. he's just over there. ♪ filming a card to send to the fam. ♪ ♪ singing carol-oke with my best friends. ♪ ♪ hanging out with mom, ♪ making ninjabread men all day, ♪ ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ that's my kind of holiday, ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ what's your kind of holiday?

>> she has a boyfriend. >> i'm so sorry, michael. >> how could she do this to me, pam? >> she's not doing it to hurt you. >> i can't do the presentation. i can't-- [voice breaking] just...oh... thinking about seeing him... and...thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her.

it just--oh, god! >> listen, when jim was dating karen, i didn't want to come to work. it was awful. i hated it. >> i wanted to quit, but-- >> i know--please... come on, i'm going through something. okay? [sis] >> you know, when holly gets back, everyone'll tell her what a great job you did. and then she'll realize what she's missing. >> and then she'll move back to scranton. and her boyfriend will die. >> yeah. maybe. >> [michael chuckles] maybe. one step at a time. [sighs] you can do this. >> i can do this. >> i think there could be snacks or-- [cats mewing in disturbed way] >> is that what i think it is? >> good god! [kevin gasps, oscar laughs] >> that one ugly cat is humping princess lady!

>> no! >> awesome! >> stop it, mr. ash! bad cat! that is very bad. you stop it right now! i swear, he is fixed. >> yeah, i know fixed. that ain't fixed. >> no way. >> no, now listen. you can't let what you see here sully your image of them. they are good, decent cats. [kevin chuckles] i've gotta go. i'll be back in an hour. oh, stop that! oh! >> oh, the other one's watching. >> okay, so all we need is a theme... and cups and ice and punch and a cake. >> busy. >> hey, what's that show that she's always talking about? >> my god, is this how you are with pam? because she must want to shoot herself in the face. >> you know what. i could use a little help. >> you know what. i'm a little busy. >> we have a lot to do, and you are putting up a very effeminate sign. is that what you've been doing, making a sign? >> it's not effeminate. it's festive. >> you've been making that sign for something that we can just announce to the whole office? hey, everybody, the party's now at 3:00. >> i know, i just read it on the sign.

>> gooooood morning, viet-- nashua! [silly voice] sales. sales is what bwings us together today. how do we deal with clients who say, "frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn about paper," and get them to shous the money? well, we are going to find out today. show of hands. how many of you are salesmen? let's see the salesmen. ooh, okay. well, i know what the rest of you are thinking. wow, yuck. salesmen are the worst. they are awful. they are so arrogant. they think the whole place revolves around them. handsome. good listeners. funny. mr. wonderful. so, okay, you're a salesman. what's your name?

>> a.j. >> a.j. what kind of name is a.j.? >> [a.j. chuckles] what, do you race cars? >> i'm a salesman. that's why i raised my hand. >> ooh, ouch. okay. good. you're funny. very good and funny. tell me, a.j., are you dating? is there somebody you date? >> yeah. why, are you interested? [laughter] >> i have a question about discounts from distributors. >> yep, we will get to you. okay, so you're dating somebody. um...is it serious? >> it's pretty serious. yes. >> huh-- does she ever talk about me? >> oh, god. >> excuse me? >> what does this have to do with sales? >> it's all connected. shut up. does she ever mention michael scott? >> no. what are you talking about? [tense sigh] >> does it feel good? >> does what feel good?

>> your life. oh, wow. [claps hands, sighs heavily] ahh, legs are sort of giing out. long drive in the car. so let's just-- we'll just continue. [sighs] oh, wow. [deep breath] okay... >> michael, get off the floor. >> yeah, yeah... i can't do this, pam. just read-- just read the cards. >> [whispering] michael, you have to-- >> no, i'm okay. i'm all right. [heavy sigh] okay...okay. >> that was weird, huh? it's all part of the presentation. it was confusing, right? because confusing situations happen to us all the time

in our jobs. i'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened, and the fact that i'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation. [as forrest gump] sales is like a box of chocolates. you never know which vendor you're gonna get. forrest gump.

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