what? [ gasps ] oh, my god. i'm gonna cry. [ crying ] can you believe this? it's nice -- the water. yeah. oh! that room's kind of small, though, don't you think? i mean, we're gonna be jammed in there with the kids for two weeks.

did you look at the place, really? it's all kind of...old. it's -- it's just... this -- this is not the ideal vacation for a guy who works like a dog his whole year. [ sniffling ] it's chilly now. i'm goin' in. my nose is runnin' here. [ sniffling ] [ italian accent ] i speak english little. oh, yeah? hey, beautiful. i'm glad you're here. is better. not so much meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh! what?

meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh! oh, i get it. yeah. [ high-pitched voice ] bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! sí. bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh! bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh! ha ha ha ha! heh heh heh heh hey! bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. all right, everyone. we don't have time to dawdle. oh. we've got to start sight-seeing if we're gonna stick to my itinery. get up, frank. come on, everyone. we're gonna have fun -- fun with grandma! come on, come on. whoo! here we go. she did pay for the trip. and now we pay.

marie: who wants the best ice cream in the world? come on. cheap foreign napkins! hey. what? what are you all mopey about? i don't know. i can't enjoy myself because of my dilemma. it's not a dilemma. it is a dilemma, raymond. you're not the only one with dilemmas. i got amy, but i keep thinkin' about joanne. i can't sort out my feelings. and i'm in the most gorgeous place in the world, and i'm sitting here next to you. robbie, here's your peach. raymond, you sure you don't want anything? no, i-i can't taste anything, ma. oh, don't be sick here. you know i called joanne today? what? what, from here? oh, what's wrong with you? i hung up when she answered. i couldn't talk to her. cost me 20 bucks. i'm a loser. it's just that, i want --

holy mother of god. what? this. this -- this is the -- it's as if i've never tasted a peach before. mmm, mmm, mmm. it's as if you've never been in public before. would you stop it? woman: scusate. desiderate qualcosa da bere? buon giórno. giórno. [ italian accent ] you like something to drink? sí. limonata? sí.

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every flavor is amazing. it's that thing dad always talks are yabout -- the thunderbolt. who, the gelatgirl? don't call her that. what are you talkin' about? that's what she is. all right? i don't know her long-term goals. excuse, please. oh, oh, oh, oh -- oh, my lord. g-grazie. okay. i'm gonna go blow my nose in the tablecloth. so...do you speak english? i -- a little. [ giggles ] so, you're in gelato? yes, for now. stefania!

oh, i think your boss wants you back. i better go. wait. stefania! all right, pal. jeez. he's got to learn how to chill out a little. what's with this guy? he's my father. [ exhaling deeply ] oh. that's nice. he's a hard worker. i will see you again? see me again? oh. oh. yes. stefania! ciao. ciao. hey, sexy! [ laughs ] what do you want? hey, listen -- rome today! it's only a half an hour away! and colletta's gonna watch the kids. yeah, great. i hate this damn thing!

[ sneezes ] sprayer has no pressure! it's like a third-world country. stupid place! would you lighten up?! look where we are! i am lookin'. i'm takin' a bath like columbus. how 'bout that giorgio guy? what? i saw him drinkin' my listerine -- that's what. whole place is annoying. you got to change money. that's a scam. nobody sees that? how can they not see that? say what you want about new jersey -- aaah! aaah! ray! turn it down! well, how did it get on?! aaah! hey! are you crazy?! i'm taking a shower! dammelo! oh, my god! oh, god! alza il braccio! no! alza il braccio! i would do what she says, ray. no!

alza il braccio! could everybody leave, please?! you want me to get the video camera? alza il braccio! no! will you stop hitting me?! all right? you can't do this to me. i'm an american. alza il braccio! alza il braccio! this wasn't in the brochure. marie: oh, here comes giorgio with the car. look how cute. okay. we're all gettin' in that? good luck, sweetie. ha ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha ha! eh...

i don't think i'm gonna fit in there, either. maybe you can sit on top and push with your arms. hey! oh! hello! hello...there. where did you go? uh, i was, you know, gonna go to rome -- roam around. [rome] uh, come with me. i can show you. okay. not you. get back. get back! i show you roma and the làgo di bracciano, where i grow up. okay? yes. very nice. uh, hurry up, before my father sees. marie: robert! i don't understand. what is this? this is luck. toots, over here. stefania: ciao! ciao! [ horn honks ] look at this.

robert gets the gelato girl, and i get hosed down by mrs. mussolini.

marie: oh, look at that! debra: and the colors of it -- this is beautiful. frank: this is somethin'! look at the -- look at the fountain. oh! ha! raymond, i can't belie wee here! these are the spanish steps. spanish? i knew we were walkin' too long. and the reason they're called that -- okay, sorry i asked.

we're goin' up. do we have to, really? ray, this is the spanish steps! where's the spanish elevator? i'll go with you, honey. thank you, marie. only you would think of these as stairs. what are they, then? hey, let me carry that stuff for you, cara mia. thank you, frank. one...two... three...four... walk, walk, walk, walk... five...six...seven... [ speaking italian ] excuse me? sei bellissima -- very beautiful, you. oh, ha ha ha! nice hair. oh, thank you. all right, let's go. what? man: ciao, beautiful girl. okay! bye-bye! don't say "bye" to them. why not? you talked to them, now they're gonna follow you home. oh, would you stop it? no, you stop. you like that. "hey, cacha poochie!"

oh, god. yeah, you listen -- you better watch yourself, okay? they got one thing on their mind. that's how italian men are. not all of them. hey! what?! what's that supposed to mean?! hey, you got nothin' better to do but ogle women?! you should start workin' on a stand-up shower! aw! anyway, so, the kids want to sleep with grandma and debra. so i'm gonna sleep here with you, okay? no problem. just don't hog the covers and it'll be an upgrade for me. you gettin' undressed, or what? i'll make a deal with you. i'll take somethin' off, you put somethin' on.

good night, there, son. yeah. [ grunts ] good night. it's a beautiful place, huh? oh. yeah. yeah, good night. i'll tell you, when your mother told me she'd been hidin' that money from me, i was thinkin' what dress to lay her out in. but now i'm here... in friggin' italy. it's like a dream. i'm from lynbrook. i-i worked my whole life. i never thought i'd be in such a place. i was just wonderin' --

could your leg be in another pce? i happen to be serious. all right, okay. no, i know i-i complain about stuff and all that, but...i'm a lucky man. [ crying ] i'm a very lucky man. [ sighs ] i'm not holding him.

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the opposite of that. mmm, mmm, mmm! thanks for all the gelato, stefania. all the gelato you want -- you have a great life. i'm glad you like. i like everything. [ door opens ]

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ray: are you out of your mind? you got amy on hold, you got stefania in italy, and now you're dating joanne again? no dating, okay? just talking on the phone, you know? like friends. friends. the woman threw an ashtray at your head. it's called passion, raymond... but who knows? there might still be some sparks there. then someone should throw a fire extinguisher at your head. joanne has changed a lot, okay? she's not like she used to be. three women. i don't know what i'm going to do. you're going to do a dance, you gigantic lucky bastard. i know, i know. i can't believe it. i never thought i'd have three women in my whole life. hey, we all lost money on that bet.

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you know how ylook,n tell which onit's all right --oad? everyone loves pillsbury grands! shut up. it's simple. which lady is going to take care of you, cook for you, let you have the good pillow? dad, you're 100. shouldn't you have more than one good pillow? it's the whole package. which one is going to laugh at your jokes? oh, they all do, except stefania doesn't speak english very well, so i have to do a lot of hand gestures, funny noises, you know? which one doesn't freak out when they see this coming at them? ha ha, raymond. who's got hips wide enough to bear your enormous children? well, that would be amy, but don't tell her.

you know, with amy -- you're the only one she's ever had sex with, so, technically, you can't disappoint her. true. add it up. amy is your winner. well, we did used to talk about having kids, and she's always stuck by me, and, well, we do make each other happy. it's as if we're... meant to be, isn't it? yeah, maybe. what do i know? all right, amy. that's it. yes, it's amy, and you know what? we're going to start fresh with a clean slate. i'm going to tell her about joanne and stefania. what?! i don't want to have any secrets. what are you, nuts? you never tell a woman anything. even if they figure it out, you deny. but amy would want me to be honest. yeah, that's how they get you. you think that's what they want, and then you cannot believe the yelling.

yeah, is that what you want -- 42 years of "for god's sakes, close your robe"? [ imitating robert ] hey... that's what i'll do. i'll -- i'll tell my girlfriend about my other girlfriends. [ imitating robert ] hey, yeah, that's a good idea. honesty is the best policy. hey, hey, hey, look, look, look, you got three women after you, huh? let me -- let me check over here. you got three women after you, huh, huh? then who does? oh, wait a minute. i believe that's me. i'll figure it out, gentlemen. and now... adieu.

the pizza was to your liking? mmm. it was perfect. no, you're perfect. ow! oh, robert, are you all right? here. yeah, thanks, thanks. i'm fine. who's burning fur? listen, amy, i think we're good together. don't you? yes. i mean, we make a good couple, right? [ nervously ] yes. that's why i'd like to talk to you about us being together. i'm listening. i think that you and i are "meant to be"... and th's why it's important for me to tell you about joanne. joanne? yeah, well, we've spoken,

and i think she wants to get back together, and, honestly, for a while, i wasn't sure what i wanted, but i've decided that you're the one i want to be with. you've been talking to joanne about getting back together? well, you know, we've been talking, and -- and i've been thinking -- you've been talking to joanne about getting back together. for how long... sweetie? i don't know. before italy, but, see, that's why i'm telling you because i want to be totally honest because i feel that we are meant to be. meant to be. don't you? let me see. you've been talking with your ex-wife for over a month behind my back, and then -- well, yeah, but, see, y-you're not focusing

on the positive part of the story. oh, but i am, robert. i'm happy. i mean, this is all such wonderful news. you've been deceitful, and you're settling for me, but, hey, before i get really, really, really happy, is there anything else you want to share with me? no. well, good, because i don't think i could get much happier. well, but i just -- and thank you for another fabulous evening. tonight, i'm taking the leftovers. i'll be in the office tomorrow if anybody wants to send me flowers. perhaps we should... cancel the spumoni.

[ soft groan ] how's the meatloaf? it's good. it's very good. your brother-in-law -- your brother -- he's a child. do men ever stop being stupid? no, they don't... and you might wa to hold on to your pizza. oh, i don't care. robert told you? you knew? he expects me to be grateful because he told me when he didn't have to. he's acting like he has nothing to apologize for. i know, and just because he was on vacation,

that is no excuse. vacation? he took joanne on vacation? no, no, no, stefania. who? wh-what? who's stefania? wait, who's who? wait, what name did you say? oh, my gosh. look at that. your hair looks so good that way. so, there was just the two slices? doesn't amy's hair look good? i don't know. oh, good, amy, you're here. i-i'm going to nd your office address. who the hell is stefania? uh, uh, uh...