i had no idea--on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky. - well, i mean, i don't even have a paycheck yet. it is a start-up, so... these things go down all the time. - if this company's going down, i wanna go down on it. with it. i wanna go down with it. - are you cool to just hang out? - sure, no problem. - yeah? you ready? - yeah. - let's do it.

- the pen delivery went amazing, and now i've got all these pens just waiting to unpacked. but pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and i'm not one of those people who's just like, "uh, sure, i'll accept the pens when they come in," and then as soon as your back's turned, i unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. on the other hand... they are just sitting here. pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. don't wanna be a busybody, but i don't wanna be a lazybones. busybody, lazybones. busybody, lazybones. aah! my brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now. it's insane. i'm sorry. what was your question again? oh, yeah. no. i've never had an espresso before. they're good, though. - a-bam! my favorite is viennese amaretto. and the worst flavor i've tried so far is alpine select! - yes! [giggles] - ah! - one! - kevin! kevin! kevin! - two! - stop it! - three! - that's enough, kevin. - stop it, kevin! - four! - that's enough. - so for your menswear catalogue, i think we can offer you some very competitive pricing.

- i heard that before. - well, i understand, but-- - i bet you have. he knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son. - here we go again, another lecture from the old man. - listen to him. he created you. - maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve. no wonder women despise you. - women don't despise me. - his last girlfriend was a transvestite. i knew it right away. adam's apple like the prow of a ship. thumbs like a lowland gorilla. ha. but this one couldn't see it or didn't wanna see it. - all right, that's enough, 'cause i can say some things about him too. - yeah, like what? - like the time that you got drunk and--and then... killed those kids on their way to prom. - that never happened. he's always been a liar. ever since he was a little kid and he got caught "saving treats" from the kitty litter box. - really shameful. - so we can offer you matte or glossy printing-- - glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers. - there's obviously a volume discount if you-- - following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going, "please, kitty, may i have some more?"

you can't make this stuff up! - no, i think someone could make it up. someone with very few friends. - hey, fellas, sorry to keep you waiting. - there he is. my son. - [scoffs] got cat turd collector written all over him. - did you say cat turd collector? - so definitely looking to expand our marke but for now we're just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. of course, that's not a mandate. - "mandate"--always think of two men on a date. i have gay friends. i have one gay friend. oscar. - mm-hmm. - all right, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here? - okay. um... all right. obviously, y'all ok really busy and i don't want to waste your time anymore. sorry, i just, uh...

obviously, i'm not qualified to beere, man, i'm... i'm a warehouse manager, you know... - darryl, i was a newspaper editor. - science teacher. volleyball coach. - i work at a home shopping network. - i'm a lawyer. i'm the only one here who can honestly help. - and as you know, i was a paper salesman. hey, i find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. [laughter] - cool. hey, thanks. - so how about we start over, hmm? darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company? - yes, as a matter of fact, i, uh... i wrote some down. - oh. - there you go. wow, this guy came prepared. it impresses me! [laughter] - stocking pens, huh? you're like the new office administrator. - no. i just took over the pen shipment

because pam had to leave. when i say it out loud, i know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, i swear. - pam! pam, look out! erin's gunning for your job! - no, i'm not. - [imitating gunfire] - it's not like that at all. forget it. i'm so sorry. - pam, look out! - pens, you did not buy into this. i am sorry. what a day you've had. - the way, jim talks about you all the time. - that's sweet that he talks about me. - it's too bad he still has to work part-time in scranton though. - well, that's funny, 'cause i think of him as working part-time in philadelphia. - we can't wait until you move here. - i'm sorry--you guys are here to sell us paper? - do you mind? the men are talking. - sons used to idolize their fathers. - us old-timers need to stick together. and how better than by signing a contract? - i'd love to. sam junior here, he runs the business now. kinda pushed me out, truth be told. i'm just here for human contact. - okay, pop.

- wait. so you're the boss? - that's right. - hi. i'm clark. - hey. - let's talk. - okay. - so if you look at our catalog here... - well, thanks for coming down, darryl. - it was nice meeting you, darryl. i think you'd fit in great here. - yeah. yeah, me too. i think it'd be like... [laughs] you know what? i think it'd be like a kevin durant jump shot-- perfecto! oh, my god.

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who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. it's like if i put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and cece knocks it over, i don't blame cece. - so i'm like a three-year-old girl in this scenario. - say they don't hire you. it's not like you're out on the street. you have a great job with people who love you. - and i'd only get to see jada on the weekends. you know, i'm... i'm not so sure i'd like living in philadelphia. - right? thank you! it's just philly. everyone's acting like it's new york or paris or london. - who needs it? - not us. [footsteps] - okay. so the consensus was that that was unique. they're gonna make you pay for the fish, and... they wanted to know when you can start. - what? how 'bout yesterday? [both laughing] - congratulations. - oh, thank you. - i ess you gotta move to philly after all. - yes, i love philly! two-one-five or die! [laughing]

- no, i'm not upset. i'm really excited for darryl. maybe i'm a little disappointed that we'll be losing him. - it feels really hot in here. is it hot in here? it feels really, really hot in here. - it's insane! they need to have the a.c. on year-round! january too! [thudding] - don't get the point of this stupid window! - i mean, look, you and i both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. check out my dad's suit. you are looking at pure acrylic. that's why his face always breaks out. - does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? - [chuckling] - ha ha ha. - you know what, dad? maybe you should buy me a suit. i mean, i'm gonna need one, right, if i'm ever gonna get a "real" job and move "my lazy ass" out of your "g.d. house." - he's got ya there. that's italian silk. very comfortable. very tasteful... although expensive. - yeah, you don't want italian. you'll look like a mafia don.

next thing you know, you'll be doing life in rikers island. - well, that's better than looking like the undertaker om bing island. - that place doesn't exist. it's not a documented island. cartograph much? - [whistles] - how do i look? - actually... you look great. they steered you right. i guess it does make sense buying from a father-son team. you know what? i'll take one too. - everyone, now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to? - whoo! - frickin' a! - so long, noise! - one, two, three! [rip] - oh! - and we have torn up the carpet. oh, we're gonna be in so much trouble! - wait! it's beautiful. hardwood. i always knew it was down here. i just never dreamed that i would actually see it. - tear up the carpet! - whoo! - kill their fish, and they still hire me.

that's how you do that, baby. y'all ready for this? ♪ uh uh-uh-uh ♪ uh uh-uh-uh ♪ uh uh-uh-uh - ♪ everybody dance now - yeah! ♪ uh uh-uh-uh ♪ uh uh-uh-uh - kevin, move. i can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet. - well, i can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me. - oh, my head is killing me. does anyone have a baby aspirin? - oh, enough with the whining already. why don't you just have some more cfee? - it's all gone. i didn't get a chance to try them all because creed poured my bogota sunrise in the plant. - i saw the leaves twitch. - shut up. - you shut up! - everybody shut up and work. - we don't work for you. - yeah. - yeah. - hey. it's 5:00. [horns honking] - kevin, can-- - what is going on? [horns honking]

- yes! we did it! - well, you opened the door. - and you closed it. the boys are back in town. high fives! ha ha! - hey, so all that really specific cat turd business-- that was about you, right? - you got me! i used to collect 'em. - why? - each one is very different, like a snowflake. [monotone] she says, "switch to progressive and you could save hundreds." call or click today.

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- you left me in charge of the pens, pam.e? . that's what happened. the pens happened. - are the pens here? get jacobs on the horn and schedule a meeting pronto. [ alarm blares ] order lunch. something fast, smith. it's jones, ma'am. yeah, look, we'll leverage the synergy on both sides.

hi, jimmy john's? yeah, no, look, the boys -- jimmy john's. yep. sky's the limit on this one. make sure the silverman file is on my desk a.s.a.p. did you order lunch? yeah. it's waitg for you. better be, smith. still jones, ma'am. can't wait on this. time is money. [ bell chimes ] jimmy john's. [ male announcer ] jimmy john's. order online now! nice job, jones.

order online now! >> hi. >> good morning. can i help you? >> yes, i'm from techstar about a new phone system for you. i was wondering if i could talk to michael scott. >> i'm sorry. he's not in right now. >> really? he's never around when i come by. >> shoot. they have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting. basically, 95% of my job. but i'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. vending machine. >> how about i make an appointment to come back? that way i know he'll be here. >> that is a great idea. >> great.

>> um... oh, boy. let's see, he's really... >> michael scott, manager. hi, how are you? >> oh, hi. >> there he is. >> nice to meet you. >> great. >> yeah. >> hey, look at that. >> whoo! i can assure you we don't need a new system, though. happy with ours. >> hello, may i help you? >> jimbo. >> jim? >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! >> hey! all: hey! >> okay. i'm, uh, i'm gonna be going. >> hey! all: hey! >> [laughing] what was that? >> that was funny. >> that was funny. let's go do it to somebody else. >> hey! [cheerful music] ♪

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>> oh, look at that. >> ohh. >> cupids and hearts. really shoving our faces in it this year. you doing okay, bud? >> i miss stacy. >> yeah, i hear ya. it's been four months since i was with holly. and she was way hotter than stacy. so if you think you're hurting-- >> i can't even imagine. >> ohh. >> [snorts] >> this is our first and only valentine's day as fiances. >> you're only engaged once. well, present cpany excluded, but-- >> really, jim. on cupid's birthday. >> yeah. she's fine. >> so i received my first valentine

from a secret admirer. "roses are red, violets are blue, "it's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a check-up, too." >> ohh. >> oh, wow. look at those. how nice for you. up there front and center. beautiful. i think they would look better right here. they're very pretty, and i wouldn't want them to fall. >> [grumbles] >> just about everybody in this office is single right now, including me, and everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion. and it is my first valentine's day since holly, so i think that i am well-qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces. pam, really? they're back?

>> i can't see them when they're on the floor. >> [sighs] >> they're for her to look at, michael. >> could i have a word with you, champ? >> yes, let's have a word. >> yes. >> um, jim. >> mm-hmm. >> today's a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office. >> oh, i'm sorry. >> yeah. and the sexy looks between you and pam-- the general sexiness, the flowers-- it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment. >> i understand, yeah. >> it's so sexy it becomes hostile. >> mm-hmm. >> oh, i actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key. >> well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest... >> we do. >> that none of us can be a part of... >> mm-hmm. >> you can't be a part of our relationship, michael. >> then we are going to have our own private valentine's day party. >> that sounds fun. >> so suck it. >> yeah. >> yes. >> hey, everybody. i just invited jim to suck it, and i am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention-- a--a lonely hearts convention this afternoon. singles only. >> yeah! deal with it, pam! >> so we may not have someone in our lives

that we love, but we do have each other. >> having trouble finding a vein? >> yeah, a little. >> how about now? i've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. also, i can retract my penis up into itself. >> i am about to give blood. the gift of everlasting life. the transfer of my bodily fluids--no. wow! that's a big needle. that-- >> you're gonna need to lie down over here. >> okay. hello. >> hi, i can't talk right w. i'm sorry. >> oh, okay. >> whew! i'm really nervous. >> yeah. me, too. >> yeah? when i get nervous i sort of clam up and-- >> [chuckling] oh, well, that's fine. >> whew! it's better for me just to be quiet. yeah. >> yeah. >> [loudly winces] >> can i point something out to you? >> sure. >> you're actually talking a lot. >> yeah? sorry, that's the other thing i do when i get really nervous.

>> [laughing] okay. here we go. >> all right, here we go. >> oh, god. mmm! >> just relax. >> yep, i'm good. wow. i feel like a human juice box. >> oh, god. [laughter] uh, hawaiian blood punch. >> oh, that's gross. [laughter] >> type o-cean spray. >> god, stop. stop it. >> yeah. >> i want to pick the movie. >> i get to pick the movie. >> hey. um, why don't you guys come and have lunch with bob and me? we'll take all afternoon. michael is terrified of bob. >> what do you think? >> i have a lot of work to do this afternoon. >> mmm. >> those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves. >> [chuckles] >> so. >> we're in. >> ick. >> what? >> i looked at the bag. >> oh! >> i looked straight at the bag. >> that's not good. >> could you distract me for a second? just talk about things that don't have blood in 'em. >> well, okay. uh--bags.

>> what? that-- >> sorry, that was bad. >> that was mean. >> um, a hat. >> a hat. >> a hat with no blood in it. >> that is full of soup. >> you're cute. >> what? >> you're done. >> oh, already? >> ah, we did it! >> whoo! wow. i was so nervous about this i don't think i ate for three days. >> is he okay? >> [softly snores]

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christmas shopping is done!lot like ♪ we haven't even decorated yet. shop early with our new christmas ad match. even if you find a lower advertised price later, we'll give you the difference on a gift card. walmart. >> oh. oh, my god. how long was i out? >> what? >> excuse me, waitress. where did the lady go? >> oh, she left. >> okay. oh, wait a second. wait a second. that's hers. this is hers. she left her glove. i need her name if i'm gonna return her glove. >> oh, i'm sorry, sir. we can't give out that information. >> [sighs] >> what are you doing? >> decorating. >> i'll help. now it's just a stupid baby. >> yeah. thanks.

>> it is so nice to go out with another couple. >> anything to get out of that office, huh? >> i know. >> i honestly don't know how you can work with that jack-ass. and that other jack-ass and that new jack-ass. >> he's talking about michael, dwight, and andy. >> oh, yeah. i understood. >> well, here we all are. alone but together. no flowers for us. [with mexican accent] relationships? we don't need no stinkin' relationships. [in normal voice] i think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story and then get past it. just blow through it. yeah? kelly, what about ryan? he treated you pretty terribly, yeah? >> well, his heart was in the right place. >> yeah, but now his heart is in thailand-- along with the rest of his body, having random sex. okay. sorry. let's--who else? >> oscar? >> i don't think so. >> come on. i'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest. >> thank you. >> you wanna--just--anything?

you sure? i'm sure whatever you did wasn't your fault. okay, well, we'll-- who else? >> everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. >> no way. 280? >> wow. that's impressive. >> okay. now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand. >> yikes. >> come on, bob. raise your hand. >> no, bob, not--no! >> what? >> one time. you just love bringing up that one time. don't you? >> i do, i do. >> jim uses a six-pound ball. >> that is a lie. >> yes, he bowled five frames with this pink, sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her balback. >> but that girl must have had monstrous hands because the holes fit. >> no, you just have little dainty fingers. >> ah. you could always model ladies' jewelry. >> nobody asked, bob. [laughter] >> do you risk telling them how you feel? do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself? >> oh, god, what did you do? >> so-- >> wait, not that i approve of any of it, but-- >> i was stupid. i told him. >> was he into you in, like, a gay way? >> moron. if he was, there wouldn't be a story.

>> he told me he wasn't gay. >> [all groan] >> really sad. >> i'm not done yet. >> oh, my god. >> a week later, a friend of mine calls me up and he says, "i just saw him in a gay bar in kansas city." >> oh, no. >> wow. >> well, then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. you should call him. >> my worst breakup was actually two breakups. two different men. i was in love with both of them, and when things went bad, they had a duel over me. >> yeah, dwight and andy. we were here. >> no, this was years ago when i was living in ohio. john mark and john david. >> angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you? >> i guess i have. >> all right. who's next? where's andy? >> he's on one of his honeymoo. >> what? >> he made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knockin' 'em off one at a time. i think today he's hot air ballooning,